Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 5, Episode 7 - It Pays to Advertise - full transcript

Ground floor,
perfumeries, stationary,

and leather goods,
sweeps and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones,
gents ready-made suits,

socks, ties, hats, underwear and shoes.

Good morning, sir.

Are you being served?

I am looking for perfume.

Oh, this way, sir.

Mrs. Slocombe, are you free?

I am free.



This lady will take care of you, sir.

Thank you.

He's handsome.

He's mine.

Good morning.

I wish to buy some perfume.

Well, as you can see, we
have quite a large range.

Now, this one is called Hilarity.

It's inviting and, at
the same time, amusing.

Pardon.

That has a background of onions.

Yes, well, I made
art-pork before I come in.

Perhaps, this young lady
will demonstrate one for me.

Perhaps, this one, huh?



Pardon.

Ah, yes.

Very sexy.

Oh yes, all the men say that.

Unfortunately, we only have the spray left

and it's 10 pounds.

That is ideal.

Thank you.

- Well, shall I have it gift wrapped?
- Oh, no, no, no, thank you.

I will wear it.

Did you find what you
were looking for, sir?

Uh, no, but wearing
this, I have high hopes.

Now sir, there's been a
lot of publicity recently

about swimming trunks
becoming transparent when wet.

These come with a stamped
address guarantee.

Now, all you do is, when
you come out of the water,

you check and the
slightest little problem,

you come out backwards and
pop that into a pillar box.

There we are.

Thank you.

Now, where were you?

I was telling you about this bird.

Oh yes, that's right, yes,

because your mother's got a
new battery for her deaf aid

and you had to spend the night
at your girlfriend's digs.

Well, we crept in the
backdoor, took our shoes off,

and tiptoed upstairs.

You see, her landlady won't
let her have men in the room

after 11 o'clock.

I had one like that.

We open the door and she said,

"Don't switch the light on!

"It clicks."

I held my breath and I
crept towards the bed.

Oh, the suspense.

I was just about to sit down.

She said, "Don't sit down there.

"She'll hear the springs!"

It's just like Mission Impossible.

So anyway, we sat down on the rug.

What happened then?

Well, I looked at her
and she looked at me.

After five minutes she said,

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

Well, what were you waiting for?

Well, I was a bit nervous

in case she had a noisy bra catch.

Before we knew were we were,
it was bang, bang, bang.

Oh, well, all's well that ends well.

No, that was the landlady
knocking on the door.

Cool as a cucumber, I picked
up the television set,

and walked straight out and
I said in a very loud voice,

"Don't worry, madame.

"I'll fix your vertical all by Thursday."

Did you get away with it?

I would've done if I'd
been wearing me trousers.

Mrs. Slocombe?

Miss Brahms?

Your wage packets.

Oh, thank heavens for that.

I'm skint.

Will you just sign on these?

Oh, I say, there's been some mistake.

I've got 10 pounds too much!

No, I think you'll
find that it's correct.

You and Mr. Humphries did
a photographic session.

We all did that.

Yes, well, you were not chosen.

Am I going to be on a big poster?

No, we're using your
likenesses as a basis

for our new display dummies.

Oh, how exciting!

Mr. Humphries, do you hear that?

They're going to make dummies out of us.

So I believe.

I only hope they've done a good job.

They only took photographs of my face.

What's so special about these two?

Mrs. Slocombe was chosen to
appeal to the average woman

and Mr. Humphries to the average man.

I should be so lucky.

When do we get to see them?

Well, they arrived this morning.

Oh, here they are.

Mr. Harman, over here.

Over here.

Here we are, Captain Peacock.

Here we are.

Where am I?

Just outside the gents.

Oh, I better go and get me

before I'm had out for loitering.

Oh, they've got me to a T.

You know, looking at that face
is a very eerie experience.

That's what I said to Mr. Humphries

the first day I met you.

Now, Lucas, if you're going to be rude,

you can return to your counter.

I think the display have
done a wonderful job.

It's absolutely life-like.

There's not so many wrinkles.

Well, they could've got
them all in only Mr. Grace

wouldn't pay the overtime.

If I may say so Mrs. Slocombe,

I think you look a very handsome woman.

Yes, and that brown
paper dress suits you

down to the ground.

I do like the way they've done my hair.

I'll tell you what, you
don't look so hot without it.

You an ugly baby!

Mr. Harman, put that back at once.

Let's see the rest of it!

Would you kindly not refer to me as it?

Here we are then.

In all its glory.

Captain Peacock, I
refuse to be displayed

with a size 50 bust.

My vital statistics are 38!

What about the other ones?

DOn't worry, that can easily be fixed.

The trouble is, you've been overstuffed.

Say when, Mrs. Slocombe.

Stop him, Captain Peacock!

I will not have rough
workman's hands inside my bra.

This could be your last chance.

I think that looks about right.

Yeah, right.

Her stockings are all wrinkled.

Allow me.

Mr. Lucas!

I never knew you wore
suspenders, Mrs. Slocombe!

I don't and knock it off.

I don't know if you've
been having trouble

with your elastic but there's a hell

of a lot of sellotape up here.

Excuse me, Mrs. Slocombe,

but may I say how very
nice your hair looks today?

Alright, ignore me, you
bad-tempered old cow.

Where do you want it?

Over there.

Just there, just there.

Do be careful with what you're
doing with your right hand.

You're making my eyes water.

Good afternoon.

Do you come here often?

Well, what do you think?

Well, it's alright in
here but standing like that,

I wouldn't give much for his
chances in a transport cafe

on the A One.

I'm going to tell
Mr. Rumbold it arrived.

Oh, it's no good.

I shall have to make some adjustments.

It looks too posed.

Hang on.

I shall smack your wrist

if you don't stop interfering with me.

There, now, do you think
that looks more normal?

It's as normal as you're gonna get.

I don't like the angle of his head.

Now we can soon fix that.

Look, just give it a twist.

Oh, you've got a stiff neck.

Let me try.

I once trained as an osteopath
and when I got down to it,

I wasn't up to it.

Teeny toe it towards me.

That's right.

Yes, oh, nice firm chin.

Now, just relax.

This won't take a moment.

You fractured his say-chin.

Yes, that's why they
wouldn't let me finish

as an osteopath.

Oh, you'll be for it now!

Don't worry.

I'll take it down to
do-it-yourself, see Mr. Furlow.

He'll fix it for you.

We better get it out of here.

I won't be a jiffy.

Yeah, well, alright,
get rid of it, will you?

For goodness sake.

They
really are quite life-like,

Mr. Rumbold.

It's Rumbold!

What?

Here, get on there.

He'll never know the difference.

By Jove, they are
realistic, aren't they?

A lot of men have worked very hard

to make her face look like that.

And it shows.

I think they were right to
hold back on the wrinkles.

It's typical, isn't it?

When a woman gets wrinkled, it's old age.

When a man gets 'em, it's character.

Something not quite
right about this one.

Yes, they haven't quite caught
the expression, have they?

No, Humphries doesn't
look nearly as wet as that.

I'm not sure I like the mouth open.

Yes, that's better.

Now, I think there's been
some misunderstanding

as to the purpose of these models.

They are designed to help us
with our underwear displays.

Well, that could easily be fixed.

Glass of water for Mrs. Slocombe

and after seeing that lot,

a glass of water for me as well.

And this Walter?

Uh yes, strip him off.

Pardon?

Strip him off.

Strip him off?

Yes, well, get on with it.

Come on, Lucas, take
the arm, take the arm.

Come on there.

What a lovely shirt he's got.

Why don't we just leave him
in his shirt and trousers?

Because we're having a
special event in y-fronts.

Many a true word.

You do the shirt, I'll
take the trousers down.

They're getting very thorough
in display, aren't they?

Shall I explain your idea to them, sir?

Well, yes, I think perhaps you'd better.

I've forgotten it.

Mr. Grace is continuing his campaign

to advertise Grace Brothers.

200 Mrs. Slocombes and 150 Mr. Humphries

will be going on display
in our various branches.

If I'd known I was going to be displayed

in 200 different
positions in my underwear,

I should've withheld my consent.

I'm already in the Portsmith
branch in my underwear

and I've had a lot of fan mail.

Most of which I don't
understand and none of which

I intend to answer!

And what's more, I was
only in the Chatham branch

for half a day and I was stolen!

Heaven knows where I am now!

Well the point is that the
idea of using ordinary people

to advertise the sort of
goods that ordinary buy

is working like a dream.

Now, Mr. Grace went to
the cinema the other day.

Yes, I saw Blue Emmanuelle 4.

Had a very good idea
from it too, didn't I?

Oh, you did, Mr. Grace.

Well, the idea concern, the
advertising in the interval.

Mr. Grace thinks it would be
a good scheme to advertise

Grace Brothers in the same
way that they advertise

Chinese restaurants and
cigarettes and things.

I seem to remember a very
good one with Spike Milligan

jumping through the bottom of a boat.

Yes, I didn't like that.

No, no, Mr. Grace thought
that was rather silly.

The whole point is,

Mr. Grace thinks that we
should have ordinary people

like you to do the commercial.

Now, our advertising agents
have been working on it

and they've come up with a sort of script

and a sort of storyline.

Yes and a sort of ridiculous
price for making it.

Precisely, yes.

Mr. Grace thinks that between
the display department

and photographic and ourselves,

that we could have a go at it.

Now, it all takes place
in a sort of cocktail bar

at the Coco Club.

Was that my idea?

Yes, sir.

Say, I really am on the ball, aren't I?

Is all this really necessary?

Switch him off, Mr. Lucas.

I'm glad that's over.

Beauty must pay the price.

It says in the script a
man, not unlike David Niven,

comes into the Coco Club
and you, Captain Peacock,

are the most not unlike
David Niven person we've got.

The resemblance has been remarked upon.

You know your hair's
in quite good condition.

It moves quite nicely.

It comes out quite nicely, too.

Now, purse your lips.

Like that.

They are sensuous but very dry.

What precisely do we do
about that, Mr. Director?

If this was MGM, I'd
suggest Lana Turner lip gloss,

but as it's Grace Brothers,

a quick smear with a canteen drip in.

Oh, drat!

What's the matter, Mrs. Slocombe?

Oh, it's these damned eyelashes.

Well, yours aren't big enough, dear.

They won't show up on the screen.

Remember, you're playing
the part of a femme fatale.

But it's like looking through bars.

I might as well be in Holloway.

Just give it a couple of blinks.

The left one's stuck.

It would've been easier
getting Spike Milligan

jumping through the bottom of a boat.

They'll be alright when the glue dries.

You seem to know a lot about it.

Well, I have the same
trouble with my mother

every Friday when she goes to the Bingo.

Here you are, Mrs. Slocombe.

Use this as a tire lever.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, that's better.

The other one's gone.

When they dry they'll crack open.

Now, let's have a look at the hair.

See what this looks.

You think David Nevin'll go for that?

Well, if he's reduced
to going to the Coco Club,

he can't afford to be too choosy, can he?

You're playing the leader
of the gypsy orchestra.

Could I have the mustache, Mr. Lucas?

Yes, mustache coming up.

There we are.

Other way up, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Brace yourself, Mr. Rumbold.

Here we are.

It's a bit Fu Manchu
but it'll have to do.

What about the wig?

Oh, do I have to have a wig?

It's all part of the
magic world of make believe.

Yeah, look over there.

I distinctly told you to get me

a Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

They've sold out of
Burt Reynolds six and 3/4.

That is no excuse for bringing me

a Liza Minnelli six and 7/8.

It's either that or
a Max Bygraves 9 1/2.

Look at what they've sent me!

Oh yes, Mr. Granger.

Now what part is he playing, Mr. Lucas?

Henry the lovable old bartender.

Damn fools, the sleeves
are miles too long.

Don't worry, Mr. Granger.

They'll ride up with wear.

Don't give me that.

And what's more, I
can't do my trousers up.

They won't show,
you'll be behind the bar.

Go on, off you go.

That's it.

My tail's come off.

Will you put it on for me?

Certainly, Shirley.

Not you!

Mr. Humphries, do you know where it goes?

Contrary to popular belief, yes.

Turn around and touch your toes.

About there Mr. Lucas?

Dead on target, Mr. Humphries.

Contact.

You can put these on.

Oh, thanks, Shirley.

Not there!

They go on my shoes only I can't see

'cause they've built me up so much.

I'm Crawford from Photographics.

I'm the camera man.

Oh, hello.

Humphries, Menswear.

I'm the director.

Do you mean to say with your looks,

you're not going to be in it?

Oh, well, one has to decide which side

of the fence to be on.

And it's not always
an easy decision, is it?

Anyway, I'm lit, I'm
loaded and I'm ready to go.

I think I've chosen the
wrong side of the fence.

Excuse me, Mr. Peck-and-poof,

we've got the sound
recording machine ready now.

Oh, yes, that's Mr. Crawford,
the camera man, over there.

It's no good talking to me
until I've plugged my jack in.

Nod if you understand.

Right you are then.

Right, places everybody.

Opening positions.

I do like a man who knows what he wants.

Oh, good.

Well, get behind your camera

and don't push it 'til I tell you.

I hope you all learned
your words last night.

Well, I didn't have much to learn.

Lovable old bartender does
nothing but wag his shaker.

Get behind the bar.

I'm wagging my shaker now?

Yes.

Well, but in the script,

nobody's asked me for a cocktail yet.

Well, why don't you just stand there

and arrange your nuts?

Mr. Lucas, I am the
director of this film

and if I find any artistic
value in his arranging his nuts,

I shall be the one to tell him.

I'm sorry, Mr. Humphries.

Well, I could count my olives.

Can we drop the subject?

One, two, three --

Will you shut up?

I was only trying to be helpful.

Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs. Slocombe.

Are you alright, Mrs. Slocombe?

What's the matter?

I can't blink.

They're not dry yet.

I'll come to you in a minute.

Now, Captain Peacock.

Now, you are the suave David
Niven type man about town.

Now, you come down the stairs
wearing your Grace Brothers

lightweight two piece.

On your arm is the Grace
Brothers shar-poof,

on the other arm is your
Grace Brothers pop-a-brolly.

Now, on your head is your
travel trilby at a jaunty angle.

Good.

Now, you come down the stairs

and you hand it to the check girl.

The hat check girl.

Now, that's you, Miss Brahms.

Yes, come over here.

We'll rehearse this, please.

Could we rehearse the sound, please?

I can see the microphone.

Higher, please.

Higher.

Super.

Action.

Thank you, sir.

Here is your ticket.

That wasn't quite right, was it?

We'll do it again in a minute.

Now, we must carry on.

Right, you cross to the
bar and you see sitting

at the bar a glamorous woman

wearing her Grace
Brothers cocktail casual.

Mrs. Slocombe, on the stool, please.

Give her a hand, Mr. Lucas.

Will you try and remember,
you're a woman of mystery?

Not after getting on that
stool, she's not.

That will be quite enough, Mr. Lucas.

You go to the bar and you see Henry,

the lovable old bartender.

My trousers are coming down.

Well, you're not called
the lovable old bartender

for nothing, are you?

You say your first line,
"The usual please, Henry."

Right, now we'll try that.

Am I supposed to be holding this?

No, take it from him, Mr. Lucas.

Right, action.

The usual please, Henry.

Good evening, sir.

How very nice to see you again.

What are you doing?

You're not supposed to say anything!

I was only being polite.

I'm supposed to be a
lovable old bartender.

It doesn't say that here.

Well, but it should though.

He knows my name.

Am I supposed to ignore him?

Just shake your cocktails.

Right, you see the woman.

She's alone.

You smile.

Now, show the, Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger!

I can't hear you.

You'll have to wait until I
finish making the cocktail.

What are you doing?

I'm making his usual, a Sidecar.

Just forget about the cocktail.

Get him a whiskey and soda.

Well, that's not his usual.

His usual is what I say it is.

You two, for God sake,
hurry up, will you?

This is killing me!

You open the coat to show the label

and you take out your cigarette case.

Action.

Would you like one?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

How kind.

Keep going.

We'll get that right next time.

The sound is hopeless.

Give it a radio mic, Mr. Lucas.

Well, here, hold that one.

Here.

Put this on, Mrs. Slocombe.

What do I do with that?

You put it down there.

Down where?

Allow me.

If anything is to be
located in my cleavage,

I'll do the locating.

It's dropped down.

It slipped right down, Mr. Hammer.

Well, it couldn't have gone that far.

Tell her to speak up a bit
and while you're at it,

ask Captain Peacock for a voice test.

I want to try and get him
on the same radio mic.

Say the next line.

Your face seems very familiar.

That's very faint.

Get closer.

Closer.

Your face seems very familiar.

Closer.

Your face seems very familiar.

How's that?

Like somebody yelling down a lift shaft.

Hang on a minute.

I'm getting some very
extraneous noises here.

Listen, listen, listen.

Blimey, it did go down
a long way, didn't it?

Well, I can't help it.

It's past my dinner time.

Wouldn't it be better if
he shouted up her skirt?

Nobody is shouting up my skirt

saying they recognize the face.

Mr. Lucas, it's up to you
to get as much as the sound

as you can.

Alright, alright.

Before we get to the dance part,

I must point out that I can't
give you any gypsy music

with this thing.

Oh, don't make
difficulties, Mr. Rumbold.

Well, if you're happy with this,

Blimey!

Now where's she got the microphone?

We'll put the music on later.

I hope you're ready to do my bit

because I've only got five minutes.

Oh, how can one director
film under these conditions?

I know how you feel.

There's only one thing you can do.

Go for a take.

I always find there's someone
up there looking after you.

Well, let's hope he's working overtime.

Right, now you all know the plot.

Opening positions and we're going to do it

for real this time.

Now, Mr. Grace, you're over
here with your champagne.

Come along over here.

That's right.

Here's the glass and the bottle.

Can't we have the girls in?

No, Mr. Grace.

Well, I tried.

Recording running?

Check!

Camera running?

Smooth as silk.

Grace Brothers cinema
commercial, take one.

Action!

Yuck!

The usual please, Henry.

Can I give you one?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

How kind.

Allow me, allow me.

Say when.

When!

Shall we dance?

Oh, I was hoping you'd
ask, whoever you are.

If I may say so,

it is a most unusual dress you're wearing.

Yes, I'm dressed from top
to bottom with Grace Brothers.

What a coincidence, so am I!

So here we are dressed
in our favorite clothes,

dancing to our favorite tune.

You have a bubbly champagne time

shopping at Grace Brothers.

Oh, dear.

I need a wider glass or a longer bottle.

Cut!

Well, then.

What do you think?

You're the director.

Well, you're the boss, Mr. Grace.

Mr. Rumbold?

Get onto the advertising agency.

We'll have Spike Milligan
jumping through the bottom

of the boat.