Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Club - full transcript

♫ Ground
floor, perfumery, stationery

♫ and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

♫ kitchenware and food.

♫ Going up.

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes.

♫ Going up.

♫ Second floor, carpets.

I'm going to the ladies department.

Oh, I'll come with you.

No, darling, no.



You go over there.

Choose some material.

Have a coat made for
little Roger 'cause Roger

feels the cold, don't you, Roger,

what a shivery-wivery little tumble-wum.

Where shall I meet you?

I'll come back for you.

Where?

There!

Oh, do concentrate, you're so vague.

Oh, she's.

Are you being served, sir?

Eh, no, are you an assistant?

No, actually, I'm in
charge of the floor.



Oh, well, I must say,
it looks very nice.

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

I'm the floorwalker.

Oh, yes, yes.

It's my job to help you
find what you're looking for.

Well, I'm looking for
a made-to-measure coat.

Ah, in that case, you'll
require the services

of our Mr. Tebbs.

Are you free, Mr. Tebbs?

Not at the moment, Captain Peacock.

I must renap this homburg.

Well, in that case, I'm
sure our Mr. Humphries

can help you.

Mr. Humphries?

I'm free.

Come here, please.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

The customer would like
a coat made to measure.

He'll no doubt wish to see some materials.

Would you show him a length or two?

Well, I'm sure Mr. Lucas and I can find

something between us.

Would you walk this way, sir?

Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

You just seem to have caught
me in the middle of nothing.

That case, forward with the swatches.

Swatches coming up, Mr. Humphries.

This one is a Scotch swatch.

This is top-quality worsted, we call this

the top-notch swatch.

In fact, we have a whole
hodgepodge of top-notch swatches.

Now, say, what about this?

This is pure Irish tweed.

This material is actually
washed in the waters

of the Liffey, isn't that so, Mr. Lucas.

Oh, yes, Mr. Humphries.

In fact, when it first arrived, you could

still smell the Guinness.

See how well it goes
with sir's complexion?

Oh, it's not for me.

Oh, no?

No, it's for my friend, Roger.

Oh, yes?

No, that wouldn't go
with his eyes at all.

What colored eyes has he got?

Well, they're very deep
brown and they're big,

round and soulful.

Well, you wouldn't want
rubbish like that, would you?

How about black velvet?

Yes, I quite like it,
but, well, for rolling about

on the carpet, it does pick up the bits.

What are you thinking of, Mr. Lucas?

Oh, that's rather fun.

Don't you think it will be
too bold for the trousers?

Oh, he doesn't wear trousers.

Just short plastic
leggings when it's wet.

All the people in the village know him.

I'm not surprised, are you Mr. Lucas?

No, no.

You see, he's unbelievable intelligent.

He knows just what you want.

He sounds quite a character.

Oh, he is.

You know, many's the time
I've woken up in the morning

and there he is, in the bed
with a ball between his teeth.

Wagging his tail, it's just precious.

Did you choose anything?

Oh, yes this will do fine.

Would you care to measure little Roger?

I'm just going for
a lie down, take over.

There we are, madam.

Thank you so much for your
custom and if the D cup

isn't comfy, do bring it back.

We'll see what we can do
with the hat stretcher.

Where was I?

You'd just arrived at the doctor's.

Oh, yes, anyway, the nurse
said I'd have to see the locum.

Well, when you've sat in the
waiting room for an hour,

read all the papers and
found out that Italy's

just invaded Poland, you
don't care who you see.

Well, by this time, it was half
past eight and I was fed up.

So I went straight in, I stripped off

and I lay on the couch.

Well, I hadn't been
there a minute when this

very young man in a white coat came in

and he sort of ignored me, you know?

So I said, come on, I said, I haven't got

all night, examine me.

And did he?

He did.

He blew on his hands and he
gave me a right going over.

Top to toe.

Well, I said, what's the verdict?

It is me kidneys?

Was it your kidneys?

I never found out.

His foreman came in and
told him to get back

to his painting.

♫ Rolling 'round the world
and looking for the sunshine.

Here we are, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr. Harman, the store is open.

Stockroom staff are
supposed to deliver goods

before nine or after five.

Captain Peacock, this
very expensive model

has just arrived direct from the factory.

Mr. Rumbold has asked me to
bring it up here toot sweet.

Now, if this was Star Trek, I would put it

on the transporter beam in
the cellar, it would dissolve

in a lot of lights and reappear up here.

Unfortunately, Grace Brothers,
is only sufficiently,

scientifically advanced
for me to use a barrow.

Shall I take it down again?

No, just leave it there
and take yourself down.

When we take over,
you'll be the first to go,

you know that, don't you?

And what's this, Mr. Harman?

This is the new point of
sale model for the Flexibra.

No matter how wayward you
figure, Flexibra will cling

to it and control it like a second skin.

Shall I demonstrate?

Very well, Mr. Harman.

Gather 'round, everybody, the
Flexibra model has arrived.

Captain Peacock, I don't
think there'll be much call

for that at Grace Brothers.

Oh, I don't know, I could
have done with one of them

last night at the disco.

Well, I've come across a
few in me travels, but it's

the first time I've seen
them take evasive action.

I think that Mr. Harman
should take it back

to where from whence it came from.

- Mrs. Slocombe, if Mr.
Rumbold wishes us to sell

the garment, then I
think we must try it out.

Excuse me, madam, I wonder
if we could interest you

in the new Flexibra.

However wayward your figure,
the Flexibra will cling

to it and control it.

I know all about them, thank you.

In fact, I wear one.

And I have the matching pants.

Now you understand how
this works, Mr. Grace.

It's like your pacemaker.

Every time you feel any
stress, this little light

will flash, like this.

And you know what to do then?

Yes, I know.

When I start flashing, I'll call for you.

That's right.

Now, this is the battery
for the spare charger

and it plugs in here.

Will there be anything else, Mr. Grace.

No, send my secretary in.

Mr. Rumbold?

No, this is Mr. Grace,
you've got the wrong number.

Mr. Grace, this is Mr. Rumbold.

Ah, yes, I'm glad you called.

Somebody's trying to get hold of you.

I'm going to hang up.

Mr. Grace, this is me, Mr. Rumbold.

It was me the first time.

Well, why didn't you say so?

What do you want?

It's about the social club, sir.

I've spoken to my department
and they're all jolly keen

on the idea and they all want to join.

Ah, yes, well my
secretary's got the details.

She's doing a bit of filing at the moment,

I'll get her to get them.

Miss Bakewell, no, no, no, not--

I want the details of the club.

Here we are, sir.

Ah, yes.

Yes, you can have room five.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

May I say, we're all very thrilled.

Now.

Whoo!

Mister, mister.

Oh, Mr. Grace, have a sip.

I cannot agree.

I think we all see enough
of each other during the day

without meeting again after hours.

I hope they're not going
to serve food down there.

They'll probably have one
of those new microwave ovens.

You know, roast beef,
Yorkshire pud, boiled potatoes

and peas, two minutes flat.

Uneatable.

We had a club down in the
basement when I was a junior

at Derry and Toms.

I only went once.

Was that after it was
bombed by the Zeppelins?

Ignore him.

He only sold four pair
of Y-fronts this morning

and he's very bitter.

Where was I?

At Derry and Toms, in the club.

Mr. Lucas, you continue
to be disrespectful

to Mrs. Slocombe, you'll be
sent away from this table

and never allowed to eat here again.

You will be blackballed.

Not that as well.

You were telling us about
your club, Mrs. Slocombe.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

As I was saying, I only went once.

It was full of men smoking
pipes and swilling beer.

Oh, I think we should give it a try.

Well, what we gonna
do in this club, anyway?

Well, there's usually
ping-pong, even in the desert

we had ping-pong.

Aha, that's what made Britain great.

Yes, that's true.

It took over from bowls, didn't it?

There was Rommel, knocking
on the gates of El Alamein

and was Captain Peacock worried?

Not a bit of it.

He was winning 20-12 in Cairo.

If it weren't for men
like Captain Peacock,

where would be now?

Going down to room funf
to play ze pong mit ze ping.

When I was a callow
youth, I used to belong

to a dancing club.

Actually, I got quite good at it.

We used to do charity
concerts, a friend and meself,

you know, with a top hat and cane.

Used to call ourselves Fred and Ginger.

I often wonder what happened to Fred.

Let me say here and now,
that I think it's an admirable

opportunity for us to meet
socially in a convivial

atmosphere, remove the
barriers that separate us

on the floor.

An atmosphere were it'll be Percival

and Shirley and Elizabeth.

I think it's a very good idea, Steve.

Not until the club opens, Mr. Lucas.

We ought to have a club tie.

That's a good idea Mr. Tebbs.

When I belonged to a bowling
club, we had a club tie.

It had bowls on it.

That was very inventive.

Nobody was allowed into
the club without his tie.

But girls don't wear ties.

Well you could have club drawers.

Mrs. Slocombe wouldn't
be allowed in the club

without her drawers.

It wasn't me, it was him!

Mr. Humphries, I'm surprised at you.

If I could bring a moment
of sanity to this discussion.

Perhaps we could make a
list of all the facilities

that we'd like to incorporate.

Ladies first, Miss Brahms?

I'd like a jukebox.

If there is a jukebox, I shall resign.

You're not even a member yet.

I cannot stand all that hi-ba-ba-ree-ba

and hoo-doop-a-poop.

Neither could Mrs. Tebbs.

Especially the jitterbug.

That was after the finals
at the Hammersmith Palais

when he tossed her in the air and missed.

We'll put down jukebox, question mark.

Mrs. Slocombe.

Well, if I'm to spend
an evening in this club,

there'll have to be
accommodation for my pussy.

Plus recreational facilities.

What exactly do you have
in mind, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, a comfy corner
with a scratching post.

And a little area of
floor where she can play

with her clockwork mouse.

Ah, good, I'll bring my
Alsatian and he can play

with Mrs. Slocombe's pussy.

Don't, he hasn't really got an Alsatian.

He's just saying these
things to aggravate you,

to get under your skin.

Well, judging from the size of her,

she must've had a lot
of aggravating remarks.

That's it.

You can include me out.

No, no, just a moment, please.

I would like to have a vote,
here and now, that if Mr. Lucas

is rude once more to Mrs.
Slocombe, that he will

not be allowed to join the club.

Now hands up, those in favor.

What are we voting for?

It's about being rude to Mrs. Slocombe.

Well, I have no objection to that.

Carried.

Now, Mr. Humphries, what about you?

What would you like to see in the club?

Well, I'd like to bring in outsiders.

What sort of outsiders?

Well, I know lots of people
in different walks of life.

Yeah, and I've seen some
of their different walks.

Could we have a vote
about not being rude to me?

I'll put down guest night, query.

I think that should cover it.

Any other suggestions?

Well, I think we should
have a weekly dance

and get the girls down from accounts.

But accounts is in the basement.

How do you get them down?

We'll it'll be every
man for himself, won't it?

Mr. Lucas, before we continue,
have you anything to say

that will be of any interest
whatever to this table.

Yes.

Well, I'm sure that we'll
all be agog with excitement

to hear it.

Yes, you probably will be.

We're all late back for work.

It's five past two.

This is room five.

Have you got the key, dear?

Oh, here you are, Mr. Grace.

Let me.

I used to come down here in the war

when the sirens sounded.

Do you think he made
it before the all-clear?

This is it and it's all yours.

I should like to say
that we're very grateful.

Only the words got stuck halfway.

Oh, it's very stuffy in here.

Can't we open a window
and let some fresh air in.

Mrs. Slocombe, we're below ground.

We'll knock a hole in the wall

and let some fresh worms in.

We've got forced ventilation.

And I enjoyed that.

I didn't come down here just
to give you a cheap thrill.

You're quite right,
Miss Brahms, do it again

and I'll take the hat 'round.

Mr. Grace, Mr. Grace is, of course,

going to have it decorated.

You don't need a decorator,
you need an excavator.

When does one think it might be ready?

Well, that's hard to tell.

We haven't even had an estimate in yet.

In the meantime, form your
club, draw up your rules

and I'll keep you
informed of developments.

Oh, just one other thing.

I think we ought to signify
to Mr. Grace our appreciation

of his generosity.

Hip, hip.

Hooray.

Hip, hip.

Hooray.

Hip, hip.

Hooray.

Mr. Rumbold's sorry, he's
delayed with Young Mr. Grace

and he said, would the
members of the club look

through that lot and pick out
which ones they would want.

It's the stuff they've been trying

to get rid of from decorating.

Oh, and while we're on the
subject, will the members

of packing, stockroom and
maintenance department

be able to avail themself
of the faculties?

We haven't made up our minds.

Oh, I see.

Well, it might help you to come
to a decision if I tell you,

should the answer be in the
negative, you could find

yourself a bit short up here
with a bunged up causey.

How does Tuesday and Thursday suit you.

That sounds nicely, bruvva.

That's rather nice.

Oh, I think it's dead common.

Well, I will say it's very adventurous.

I had a friend, once,
who decorated his room

with flour bags.

That sounds rather nice.

Trouble was, he had
rising damp and it all

broke out in biscuits.

That's nice, but it's pure nylon.

Oh, I had a nylon carpet
in my front hall and every

morning when I opened the
front door to take the milk in,

I got a terrible shock.

Oh, perhaps that was
because you were wearing

a woolen dressing gown.

It builds up the static, you see.

No, it happened even when I wasn't

wearing me dressing gown.

I expect that gave the milkman a shock.

When it comes to the floor, Mrs. Tebbs

is very hot on linoleum.

Do you have it in every room?

Yes, practically.

I'm sorry about the delay.

There's some bad news, I'm afraid.

Yes, we've just had the
estimate in from the decorators.

Young Mr. Grace was prepared
to go to three hundred pounds.

The lowest quote is five hundred.

Five hundred pounds just
for decorating that one room?

We're in the wrong business.

Yes, well, anyway, I'm
afraid the club is out.

Just a minute, did you
say Mr. Grace was willing

to go to three hundred quid?

That's right.

Right, I'll do it.

You'll do it?

Have you any experience, Mr. Lucas?

Well, of course I have, I decorated

my mother's place, didn't I?

Even the landlord had
to admit it had changed

the value of the property.

Well, is it a deal?

Hang on, hang on, I'm not standing by

while he rakes in three hundred quid.

I've done some decorating, I'll do half.

And I'll do some and all.

Well, why don't we all do it?

Three hundred pounds divided
by six, makes 50 pounds each.

What a fantastic spirit
there is in my department.

Really found the last
few minutes most moving.

If private enterprise such
as this, were allowed to have

its head in Britain today,
we could move into the 21st

century a proud and strong
country whose flag would fly

once more in the four
corners of the earth.

On the other hand, you could
say that it's a reflection

of the miserable wage we're
paid by Grace Brothers,

which makes us desperate
to pick up 50 nicker.

You know, it's hard to
believe this is gonna look like

the talk of the town in a
couple of days, isn't it?

Here you are, here's your ladder.

Now, we'll start this operation
in the finest traditions

of the British workingman.

I'll put a kettle on.

Evening, comrade.

Well, now, the first thing we must do

is get rid of the furniture.

Hurry up, everyone.

Mr. Humphries, you're
standing like that again.

Like what, Captain Peacock?

Like that.

Would you believe it?

You know, I had five rolls
of wallpaper under there.

Well, Miss Brahms, you
and I will take the desk.

We'll leave the bed to the men.

Whatever you say, Mrs. Slocombe.

Just a minute, just a minute.

Look, I can't take proper steps.

Don't be in such a hurry.

Sorry.

Right.

Stop.

Look, it's easy for you.

You can take big steps going backwards,

but I can only take little steps.

All right, then, you go backwards.

Right.

- Now, come over here, Mr.
Lucas, take the mattress.

Yeah, right.

Roll it over, Mr. Humphries.

Right.

Right there.

I've got it.

- Have you got it?
- Yeah, I've got it.

- Okay, okay.
- Ah!

Be careful, Mr. Lucas.

All right, leave it to me.

Right, I've got it, ah!

Oh, well, if you're
going to just lie around,

I'm going home.

I'll have you know, these mattresses

are very hard to handle.

Oh, yes.

Come on, Miss Brahms.

We could do with your
help over here, Mr. Lucas.

Well, I'm sorry about
that, Captain Peacock.

Take the bed with me, take this--

Hey, hey, look at this.

Health and Efficiency, 1938.

Oh, do they have their hair cut short?

Oh, look, let me see.

Oh, I say, George, Harry and
Burt relax on a quiet beach.

Must have been a very cold morning.

The boys exercise in the gym.

Are they Indian clubs?

Not all of them.

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries, can we get on?

Ah, yes.

Now you take this end of
the bed with me, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Tebbs, that end.

- Oh, yes.
- Right, okay, here you go.

Out of the door, there we go.

That's it.

- I'm coming up.
- To you.

Hold up.

Not going to go through, you know.

Well, put it on its side then.

- Okay.
- Easy.

There you are, clean as a whistle.

Yeah.

- Keep going.
- Stop!

I'm caught in the caster.

You'll have to come back,
he's casterized his self.

Now, come around here,
Mr. Tebbs, that's it.

To you, that's right.

No, hang on, you'll
have to come back again.

No, it's no good.

What's going wrong?

Well, it's overtruding
here, you see, it needs to--

Well, if you just lift it up.

Put it down.

Come on, out the way, everybody.

Right, Miss Brahms.

Hup, forward, turn, shuffle.

- We've got a blank, Mr.
Harman, take that one back.

Very good, sir.

Now, I suggest that we get
ourselves organized into pairs.

Now, each pair can put
up one piece of wallpaper

and we'll finish the
job in no time at all.

Now, the first thing we
do is measure the paper.

How do you know how
much to cut off a roll?

Well, we measured that
before we bought it.

Now, each piece has to be
eight foot, four inches.

Has anybody got a tape measure?

Oh, search me.

Right.

Just cut that out.

If she has got one, it's well hidden.

My tape measure's in my drawer.

Well, just pop up and get it, will you?

What, four floors up
with no lifts working?

I should cocoa.

Besides, I'm mixing the paste.

I think I've got the answer to this.

Now, this table is exactly six foot long.

My inside leg is 30, so
I think, six foot, 30,

if you cut it about
there, we should be right.

Well, if I cut it about
there, that'll leave us

with two inches to play with.

If you're very careful
with those scissors.

Are you ready?

Yes, I'm holding my
breath, now, be careful.

Tea up.

Cor blimey, you gave me a start.

You nearly gave me a finish.

It's all right, I haven't spoiled it.

Thank heaven for that.

All we've gotta do now is
turn it over and paste it.

Mr. Humphries, it would
simplify matters if you turned

the same way as Mr. Lucas.

To date, you've no evidence
that I haven't done that.

Look, leave it alone.

Just in time.

Now, be generous with the
paste, Mr. Tebbs, I mean,

then we can move the paper on the wall.

Don't teach your grandmother how

to suck eggs, Captain Peacock.

Why, when I was first
married, Mrs. Tebbs and I

decorated the whole of our
house from top to bottom.

You're very thorough, aren't you?

We spent the whole of our honeymoon

stripping off downstairs.

I dread to think what
you were doing upstairs.

- Take my advice, Mr.
Lucas, you'll hold it

well away from your body.

Very important to get
it right up to the edge.

Aye, oh.

Like that.

Thank you very much, Captain Peacock.

Have you done?

I think I did a jolly good job of that.

Away you go, Mr. Lucas.

All right.

Hurry out with the next piece.

I think made a bit
of a nick in this one.

Do try to be more careful, Mr. Lucas.

And don't worry, it'll do
for the bit over the door.

All right, whatever.

The next piece is almost ready.

Well, look, I'll take this.

He's so cack-handed.

Right, you get the other
end, Mr. Humphries.

Right, Mrs. Slocombe.

Don't let it drop on the
floor, we don't want it

to get mucky.

- Mr. Lucas, give Mrs.
Slocombe a helping hand.

Right.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Oh, Mr. Humphries, we've
got it to the wrong side.

No, no, don't move, don't move.

I'll take it from the other side.

Now, pass it over, Mr. Humphries.

Are you sure?

Yes, pass it over.

Bit higher, Mrs. Slocombe.

Don't worry, Captain Peacock, it'll do

for the bit over the door.

There's another bit ready if anyone

fancies another adventure.

I'm sick of this.

You get to the other end, we'll do this.

Now, we'll pass it in the
back of the steps, first.

Yeah, that's it.

You go 'round the back, that's it.

Look out!

If you want your tea, it's on the floor.

Save that, do for the bit over the door.

I'll make the tea, I won't be a tick.

If we go on at this rate, I
shall require some more paste.

Here you are, more paste, Mr. Tebbs.

Careless monkey.

I'm sorry.

You did that deliberately, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

You were holding the bucket the other way.

Look at this.

Well, I mean, I could--

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yes, I would.

I believe you would.

Stop, stop.

Oh, look at him,
he's always so stuck up.

Now you look like a clown.

You chauvinistic--

I'll get you, you, how dare you?

Oh, hey!

No, no, no, get off, get off, will you?

I miss anything?

What are you doing?

Stop it, stop it at once.

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas.

Stop it, stop it.

Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you.

Have you all gone mad?

I've never see such a
disgraceful exhibition.

Young Mr. Grace makes
this generous gesture

and this is how you repay him.

If there are any more
incidents of any kind,

there will be no club at all.

Hands up, those who don't want a club.

All right, shall we make it final?

Yes!

- Right.
- Hey!

♫ Ground
floor, perfumery, stationery

♫ and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

♫ kitchenware and food.

♫ Going up.

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes.

♫ Going up.

♫ Second floor, carpets,
travel goods and bedding,

♫ material, soft furnishings,
restaurant and teas.

♫ Going down.

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes.

♫ Going up.