Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 6 - Oh What a Tangled Web - full transcript
When both Captain Peacock and Mr.Rumbold's secretary are late rumors start to circulate that the two are together on the side. Then Mrs.Peacock becomes very suspicious concerning her husband's strange behavior. She confronts Captain Peacock about his actions in the store and brings tremendous confusion and an assault on Mrs.Slocomb and currents in Mr.Grainger's ears.
♫ Ground floor perfumery
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
What are you looking at your watch for?
We've only been here a half an hour.
I'm worried about Captain Peacock.
I've never known him so late.
I explained the
situation to Mrs. Axelby.
"Well," she said, "handsome
is as handsome does".
"That's just the trouble,"
I said, "It didn't".
Anymore news about you
and that buyer's job?
I've got an interview
with a lady from personnel.
Whose personnel?
They sent somebody down from head office
and ask you a lot of questions.
Usually it's a man, and then
of course it's a pushover.
I just wear a short
skirt and cross me legs.
I'm out of there in a minute.
♫ Going 'round the world
♫ Looking for the sunshine
Heads up.
Mrs. Slocombe, just the
lady I'm looking for.
Do you miss out on the
important engagement,
and you find that you
cannot spare the time
for that little extra
something on your coiffure?
Do you wake up in the morning feeling like
you've been shot out of a cannon?
Do you wish your hair was like this, but,
when you look in the
mirror, it looks like this?
What is that?
That's an ado display
model for Beauty Bolts,
the new washable party wig.
You can wash it, crush
it, screw it, boil it,
and it still comes out bandbox fresh.
How's that?
Take it off,
and, if you're not off
the floor in one minute,
I shall report you to Captain Peacock.
No, you won't, 'cause
he ain't come in yet,
and what's more, you know
Mr. Rumbold's secretary?
She ain't come in neither.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, nothing.
Not unless you happen to see them both
come out of the duplicating
cupboard together.
Unless you see two
hands clasped underneath
the canteen table, and what is more:
who did he keep using his blow tickler on
at the Christmas party?
Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
He's much too old.
Yeah, and she's ever so common.
It's not a matter of
being common, darling.
You ain't exactly Easter Ranseed, are you?
Do you mind?
We live in a detached house.
Only because they
pulled down all the
other ones around here.
No sign of Captain Peacock, yet?
No, I've never known
him so late, Mr. Grainger.
As a matter of fact, I was
just saying to Mr. Lucas
that I've never known him so
late, wasn't I, Mr. Lucas?
You were. You were, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, and I was just saying
that Mr. Rumbold's secretary
wasn't in yet either.
That's right, indeed.
He just said that Mr. Rumbold's
secretary wasn't in yet
either, and he went like that.
What did you mean by that?
Have you noticed it's been going on
ever since the Christmas party?
I said we shouldn't have had mistletoe.
It always causes trouble.
It wasn't that.
It was the postman's knot.
It was very badly organized.
I got a parcel with 12 stamps on it.
Called out for three and
got the night watchman.
You're lucky I got Mrs. Slocombe.
I didn't see Captain
Peacock at all that evening.
- Well, he was with Mr.
Rumbold's secretary.
Yeah, and then he told
her that we were gonna play
Sardines, and he took her
into the broom cupboard.
We'd never have found him yet,
except he caught his
blow tickler in the door.
She said she'd missed her last bus,
so he said he'd give her
a lift home to Reading.
He was last seen surrounded by policemen
playing Amazing Grace
on a breathalyzer bag.
Mr. Humphries.
Men's apparel.
Assistant 13 speaking. Unlucky for some.
Hello, Mrs. Peacock, can I help you?
Mrs. Peacock.
Yes.
She wants to know if Captain
Peacock got back safely
from his conference in Birmingham.
Sales conference in Birmingham.
He hasn't been to a sales
conference in Birmingham.
You can't tell her that.
I know.
No, it's not convenient at the moment.
You've come straight
through to a fitting room.
How's that for you, sir?
Well, it's fine, it's fine. Just fine.
I'm just serving five rubbish in with a
at the moment.
Captain Peacock is dealing
with a customer elsewhere.
Probably in Reading.
He's probably in bedding.
I'll give him your message as
soon as he comes on the floor
and get him to ring you.
I see, you'll ring him yourself?
Bye bye, Mrs. Peacock. Thank you.
What about that then?
Well, it proves one thing.
He hasn't been home.
I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails.
I did myself, you know, when
I was in bathroom fittings.
There was a girl in haberdashery.
I got her into trouble.
What, with a supervisor?
In the club.
You mean the social club?
The pudding club.
You think you invented it?
Look, there he is now.
And there she is.
Don't let him see us looking.
It's disgusting.
They're pretending to ignore each other.
Did you see that?
Carry on, sir, nothing has happened.
Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Good morning, Captain Peacock.
Morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.
I guess I am a bit late.
There's a reason, of course.
And here it comes.
And the next object is a lie.
A lie.
I'm afraid I overslept,
and so did Mrs. Peacock,
and the alarm failed to go off.
Yes, well, the alarm's
gone off all right now.
Mrs. Peacock's just phoned.
What did she say?
She wanted to know if
you got back all right.
How thoughtful of her.
From your sales
conference in Birmingham.
Yes, I could explain that--
You better explain to her now.
Men's ready-made.
Hello, my dear.
How sweet of you to ring.
What on Earth makes you think
that I wasn't in Birmingham?
How could your brother have
seen me driving through Reading?
But, darling, there must be
lots of Fords with a broken
rear window, missing hubcaps,
and a dent in the rear wing.
Well, if he had a girl with
him, that proves it wasn't me.
Where was I when you last called?
In bedding.
I was in bedding.
No, not Reading. Bedding.
Look, dear, there's really no
need for you to come over here
to talk over anything,
We could easily have a
little chat when I get home.
Now, I must go.
We've got a lot of customers.
That's fine.
Yes, you've been a very
attentive young man.
Thank you, Mr. Robertson,
and don't worry if a bit long.
It's bound to ride up with wear.
As you can hear, dear, we are very busy.
Bye bye, darling.
All this must seem a bit strange to you.
Not when you watch Coronation Street.
Don't worry, Stephen, we'll back you up.
If you're referring to the
rumors that there is something
between Mr. Rumbold's
secretary and myself,
I must categorically deny it.
Excuse me a moment.
Not here.
Mr. Rumbold wants to see you.
Well, you don't have to
make a secret about that.
I'll be there in a minute.
She just came to tell me that
Mr. Rumbold wishes to see me.
Yeah.
Course it's none of my business, but,
while you're in there, I
should get Rumbold to back up
your story about the sales
conference in Birmingham.
I can't overlook your lateness.
I shall have to forward this report.
Come in.
I shall only be a moment, Peacock.
I'm just taking down the
details of why my secretary
was so very late this morning.
Now, let's just run over this.
You've spent the night with
Stephen in a car shelter.
No, no, with my friend
Stephanie in Carshalton.
Oh, yes, and by mistake, in the morning,
she took the Hamburg
from the bedside table?
Handbag.
Oh, yes. Handbag.
With your season ticket in it, and,
by the time she returned, you were late.
Do you have anything else to add.
I'm sure she hasn't.
No, sir.
Yes, I can't promise that
you won't hear more of this.
That's all.
I can't help feeling that that girl's
getting into bad company.
Peacock, you too were
rather late this morning.
No connection, sir.
Wasn't suggesting that there was,
but I would like an explanation.
It was for reasons
I'd rather not go into.
I told Mrs. Peacock that I was with you
at a sales conference in Birmingham.
But I wasn't at a sales
conference in Birmingham.
I know that, sir, but
couldn't you pretend
that we were at a sales
conference in Birmingham?
Is this some kind of game?
No, sir, but, if Mrs. Peacock asks you,
it's absolutely vital
that you bear up my story.
After all, we have known
each other 14 years,
man and boys wear.
I'm sorry, Peacock, but
I was in London last night,
and our friendship is not
strong enough to make me say
that I was 90 miles away in Birmingham.
Watford Gap?
Rumbold, here.
It's my secretary's father.
Yes, we were rather wired about it too,
but there's no cause for alarm.
She spent the night with
Stephen in a car shelter.
Stephanie in Carshalton.
I'm sorry.
It's my glasses.
With Stephanie in Carshalton.
I see.
Oh, dear.
Well, you better do what you think best.
Yes, goodbye.
These young girls, all a tissue of lies.
Her father phoned Stephanie,
and you can guess the rest.
She didn't spend the
night in Carshalton.
Precisely.
Has he any inkling where
she did spend the night?
No, but he's coming here
to see the girl and find out.
I'd suppose it's absolutely
out of the question
to have the rest of the day off.
Rumbold, here.
Mrs. Cannon from personnel's
coming over in five minutes
to interview Mrs. Slocombe.
Is it all right if she uses your office?
Yes, yes, of course.
Well, that'll be all, Peacock.
Thank you, sir.
You've been most helpful.
Peacock, I'll tell you what I can do.
I can try to be elsewhere
if Mrs. Peacock calls, hmm?
Thank you, sir.
Get me Mrs. Slocombe, will you?
It's Jackie. It's for you.
Mrs. Slocombe, underwear.
Oh, in your office, Mr. Rumbold?
Yes, thank you very much.
Wish me luck.
I'm going to be interviewed now
with the lady from personnel.
You know, I think I'll wear me
glasses, make me look older.
I mean, I don't want to
look too young for the job.
On the other hand
I don't want to look too old either.
Everything all right, Captain Peacock?
Yes, up to a point.
Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?
Let's put it this way:
if one were drowning, Mr.
Rumbold would be the first
to hold out an electric cow prod.
Hear, hear Captain Peacock.
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Get on with it. What is it?
Here's the bad news: your
wife has just cut through
the main doors, and the
good news is that there's a
sila bulletproof vest
down in sports department.
You know what I do in cases like this?
I just bare my soul and reveal everything.
And run like hell.
I'd be most grateful if
you'd both stay within earshot.
She won't make a scene in public.
Standby. Here's the lift.
Blimey, the worry has now have aged her.
That is not my wife.
This is my wife.
Stephen.
Hello, my dear.
I didn't expect to see you.
Where were you?
When, dear?
If you're going to prevaricate
with me, I shall kick you
right in the middle of the
gentleman's department.
Can't we discuss this
when I get home, my sweet?
You won't be going home.
They're changing the
locks now, my precious.
But we were going to the
old comrade's dance tonight.
You promised to press my dinner jacket.
I've kept my promise.
I have pressed it right down the lavatory.
And I pulled the chain.
But we bought that
dinner jacket together.
I remember it was an export reject.
I cleaned your shoes
as well with your shirt,
not to mention polishing
the silver with your tie
and sweeping the chimney
with your pajamas.
Very domesticated, isn't she?
You were with that girl, weren't you?
What girl?
I heard all about you
at the Christmas party
with your blow tickler.
You were disgraceful.
You were a figure of fun.
I was not a figure of fun.
I behaved with perfect dignity.
Is that not so, Mr. Humphries?
Quite right Captain Peacock,
and the stories about your blow tickler
are a gross exaggeration.
You didn't even use it
after you'd trapped it
in the broom cupboard, did you?
Let me tell you this, Stephen Peacock.
You've used your blow
tickler for the last time.
I'm going to see Mr. Rumbold,
and when I've told him
everything about you,
you'll be back where you started,
sweeping up in the stock room.
The lady from personnel
just called to say
she's sorry for the delay.
She won't be a minute.
That's quite all right.
Enter.
Is this Mr. Rumbold's office?
Yes, that's right.
Where is he?
I don't know, but I'm sure
he'll be back before long.
Do you work for him?
Yes, I do.
You're the one then, aren't you?
I sincerely hope so.
You're older than I expected.
I'm only a little over
40, and though I do say,
so I shouldn't, I have all the enthusiasm
of a younger woman,
combined with a great deal of experience.
You're pretty cool, aren't you?
Of course it's not the first time
I've been up for this sort of thing.
You've done it before, have you?
Oh, yes.
I believe in jumping at every opportunity.
Anything to get out of underwear.
I'm afraid, well, there isn't
much room behind the counter
for a woman of my imagination.
You're very outspoken, aren't you?
You know what us Northerners are.
You were in Reading, weren't you?
Reading?
Come along now. Tell me the truth.
Were you or were you not in Reading?
Will it help if I said I was?
I knew it.
That's all I need to know.
Don't you want to know any details?
I've got quite enough
for my solicitor to settle
the necessary documents,
and I shall see to it
that your name appears in every newspaper,
and they'll all know you for what you are.
Fame at last.
And from now on, you can
take care of the gallant
Stephen Peacock.
You can iron his shirts
and iron his socks,
and you can bring up his early
morning tea when he's sitting
up in bed in those
hideous striped pajamas.
They never mentioned anything about that
when they advertised a
vacancy on the notice board.
Captain Peacock, you want the bad news
or the very bad news?
Just get to the point.
The girl's father's here on the premises
looking for the man what spent
the night with his daughter.
Glass of water for Captain Peacock.
I should save it 'til
he's had the very bad news.
Mrs. Peacock was last
seen chasing Mrs. Slocombe
down the store there,
hitting her over the
head with her umbrella.
Mr. Grainger, would you
take care of the floor
for a few moments?
With pleasure.
Standby to make it permanently.
Pleasure, Stephen.
Anything to help.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
I'm very free, Mr. Grainger.
Will you take over
for me while I take over
for Captain Peacock?
Shall I take over
for you, Mr. Humphries,
or shall I stay standing here?
Keep going.
Just look at that action.
He's wanted that job for 15 years.
The mind is willing,
but the bunions are weak.
You take over for Mrs. Slocombe.
It don't look like she got the job.
Hey, look up, it's the girls father.
Good morning, sir. Can I be of any help?
Are you the person in
charge of this department?
I am, yes.
So, you're the one who's
ruined my daughter's reputation.
You mean the girl who
was in haberdashery?
There's another one?
But that was 25 years ago.
But you're still at it.
You see this?
This was for my daughter's
wedding next week.
Now her fiance has walked
out on her, and why?
All because of you.
You sit there, Mr. Grainger.
Are you all right?
What?
I said are you all right?
No, of course I'm not all right.
How can I be all right
with currants in both ears?
I'm going to sue, you know.
You do that, Mr. Grainger,
and don't forget to simulate
your cream up the nostrils.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Mr. Grace has very kindly
agreed to preside in this
sort of inquiry into the affair concerning
Captain Peacock and my secretary
I would like to object
to the word affair
being used at this stage.
There has been no affair.
I wasn't using the word
affair in that sense.
Shall we call it the occurrence?
I'm going to sue for that too.
Sue for what, Mr. Grainger?
The currants in my ear.
I'll explain to him.
We haven't got to your currants yet.
No, they're very deep.
I should probably have to be
anesthetized and syringed.
Carry on. He'll catch up.
We also have to consider
the case of the assault
by Mrs. Peacock on Mrs. Slocombe,
an assault witnessed by Mr. Harman.
Yes, I had one up my
nose, but I got it out.
Had what up your nose?
Salted almonds.
We're talking about Mrs. Slocombe.
She gets up everyone's nose.
Don't start.
I am just in the mood.
That was Joe Loss, wasn't it?
What was Joe Loss, Mr. Grace?
In the mood.
Yes, yes, you're quite right, sir,
but we're discussing the
assault on Mrs. Slocombe.
Yes, those terrible fellows,
those bad boys, you know?
Excuse me, sir.
Shall I serve out the
coffee while we sort it out
as far as we've got?
No, we must get on.
We also have to consider the
cake on Mr. Grainger'd head
with the cream up the nose
and the currants in the ears.
Now you're rambling.
Did you get all that down?
- Every word, sir.
- Well, cross it out.
Perhaps if we took things in the order
in which they happened,
we might avoid confusion.
Some, I hopes, we'll have
to send for Ellery Queen.
It would be the best Ellery to send for.
Yes, well, I think perhaps
you're right, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Grace and I are most anxious that,
at the end of the day,
every party concerned
should leave this room
completely satisfied.
- Does that include Mr.
Grace's secretary as well?
Mr. Lucas, this is a serious matter.
My whole future at
Grace Bros. is at stake.
Well, I think you
should be sent right off.
Mr. Lucas is a material
witness to you being hit
on the head.
Yeah, I was the one who cheered.
Listen, it's no laughing matter.
She could well have suffered brain damage
if it hadn't been for
the fact she got her hair
double-lacquered for the interview.
Mr. Harman, ask my secretary
to come in, will you?
Yes, certainly, sir.
I have kept Mrs. Peacock separate from her
in case they got together and
at each other on the carpet.
I've also taken the liberty
of confiscating her umbrella.
Calling Miss Monica Hazlewood.
Do, take a seat, please.
You see that.
You see? He's pretending to ignore her.
I bet it's been going on for years.
Now, Miss Hazlewood,
I'm going to ask you
a direct question.
I have no right to do so, and, of course,
you don't have to answer it,
and, if you do answer it,
nobody's going to hold
it against you or use it
in any future proceedings.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
It hardly seems worth
her coming, does it?
Did you or did you not spend the night
with Captain Peacock?
I object.
Spend the night has many connotations.
One can spend the night quite innocently
in someone's company.
If you mean did she have an
affair with me, then say so.
Very well. Did you have an
affair with Captain Peacock?
Certainly not.
Thank you.
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard of.
It's absurd.
Ew, it's unthinkable.
You've made your point, Miss Hazlewood.
A plain no would have
been quite sufficient.
It's a sultana.
I beg your pardon.
It's just fell out of my left ear.
I thought it was a current,
but it's a sultana.
Thank you, Mr. Grainger.
Shall I put it on
the table as exhibit a?
Damn, I've dropped the thing.
Miss Brahms is sitting
on it. Here you go.
Get off!
Look at that, it's still warm.
A bit flat, but it's still warm.
Allow me.
Exhibit a.
I can hear much better now.
I think the only way to
settle this is for me to give
a detailed account in front of my wife
of all the precise
circumstances that led to this
unfortunate chain of events.
Yes, I think you're right.
Mr. Harman, ask Mrs. Peacock
to come in, will you?
Calling Mrs. Peacock.
Please sit down.
Who's this?
This is Captain Peacock's wife, sir.
Sooner him than me.
Is that her?
That is my secretary, yes.
When I was in the navy,
we had a petty officer
just like that.
I notice she didn't burst into tears
when she thought it was me.
Funny, that.
I'm so sorry. It was such a shock.
First of all, there have
been rumors for some time
that I've been paying
attention to Miss Hazlewood.
It has been said that,
at the Christmas party,
I pursued her with my blow tickler.
Exhibit b, one blow tickler.
I should like to make it perfectly clear
that I pursued everybody
with my block tickler.
I'll second that.
We all did a lot of blow tickling.
I think we can ignore that.
Cross out the blow tickling.
Secondly, it has been said that
I held Miss Hazlewood's hand
in the canteen.
That is true.
Now we're getting down
to the gritty nitty.
I was comforting her.
I expect she was frightened
by the toad in the hole.
We were discussing marriage.
Emotional woman, isn't she?
Her marriage. Her forthcoming
marriage to her fiance.
She was asking my advice.
I was against it.
I thought she was too
young and inexperienced.
So you took her out to
give her some experience?
I did not.
On the night in question,
she was distressed,
so I took her to Beppe's
Cafe for a coffee.
Big spender.
I tried to dissuade her
from the irrevocable stab
of getting married.
Because of your own unhappy experience?
I didn't say that.
No, but you looked it.
Sound the gong, please.
Break clean.
I succeeded.
She phoned her fiance and called it off.
Am I correct?
Oh, yes.
I wanted four
He has a remarkable
effect on women, doesn't he?
He was so good looking,
and now he's got nobody.
Story of my life.
Miss Hazlewood was in a
state similar to the one
you see her in now, so I
thought it best to run her home
in my car.
Six miles outside Reading, I broke down.
It was raining, and I tried to restart,
but there must have been
an electrical fault,
because there was no
current in my battery.
I thought the currants
were in Grainger's ear.
No, sir, that was a sultana.
Very complicated, isn't it?
We waited until dawn when the patrol van
started me up again.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
What happened between the
time the car broke down
and daylight?
I suggested that Miss
Hazlewood climb into the back.
That's exactly what I would have done.
I sat behind the wheel all night
trying to think what to
say to the woman I love.
Why not jump in the
front for a quick cuddle?
Quiet, Lucas.
- Foolishly, I asked Mr.
Rumbold to perjure himself.
Quite correctly he refused so to do,
for after all, when the
final account is balanced up
in the book of life, we
are men of integrity.
What I've said is true, and I swear it
as a God-fearing man and an ex officer
of the Royal Army Service Corps.
Mrs. Peacock, if ever
I've heard the truth
from the lips of a man,
I've heard it today.
I'm sure you can doubt
your husband no longer.
I didn't think people
talk like this anymore.
Darling, I believe you.
Well, that's all settled then, and,
on behalf of Grace Bros., may we hope that
you will both sail life's stormy seas
into the calm waters of old age safely
and irremovably together.
We probably shall.
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
What are you looking at your watch for?
We've only been here a half an hour.
I'm worried about Captain Peacock.
I've never known him so late.
I explained the
situation to Mrs. Axelby.
"Well," she said, "handsome
is as handsome does".
"That's just the trouble,"
I said, "It didn't".
Anymore news about you
and that buyer's job?
I've got an interview
with a lady from personnel.
Whose personnel?
They sent somebody down from head office
and ask you a lot of questions.
Usually it's a man, and then
of course it's a pushover.
I just wear a short
skirt and cross me legs.
I'm out of there in a minute.
♫ Going 'round the world
♫ Looking for the sunshine
Heads up.
Mrs. Slocombe, just the
lady I'm looking for.
Do you miss out on the
important engagement,
and you find that you
cannot spare the time
for that little extra
something on your coiffure?
Do you wake up in the morning feeling like
you've been shot out of a cannon?
Do you wish your hair was like this, but,
when you look in the
mirror, it looks like this?
What is that?
That's an ado display
model for Beauty Bolts,
the new washable party wig.
You can wash it, crush
it, screw it, boil it,
and it still comes out bandbox fresh.
How's that?
Take it off,
and, if you're not off
the floor in one minute,
I shall report you to Captain Peacock.
No, you won't, 'cause
he ain't come in yet,
and what's more, you know
Mr. Rumbold's secretary?
She ain't come in neither.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, nothing.
Not unless you happen to see them both
come out of the duplicating
cupboard together.
Unless you see two
hands clasped underneath
the canteen table, and what is more:
who did he keep using his blow tickler on
at the Christmas party?
Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
He's much too old.
Yeah, and she's ever so common.
It's not a matter of
being common, darling.
You ain't exactly Easter Ranseed, are you?
Do you mind?
We live in a detached house.
Only because they
pulled down all the
other ones around here.
No sign of Captain Peacock, yet?
No, I've never known
him so late, Mr. Grainger.
As a matter of fact, I was
just saying to Mr. Lucas
that I've never known him so
late, wasn't I, Mr. Lucas?
You were. You were, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, and I was just saying
that Mr. Rumbold's secretary
wasn't in yet either.
That's right, indeed.
He just said that Mr. Rumbold's
secretary wasn't in yet
either, and he went like that.
What did you mean by that?
Have you noticed it's been going on
ever since the Christmas party?
I said we shouldn't have had mistletoe.
It always causes trouble.
It wasn't that.
It was the postman's knot.
It was very badly organized.
I got a parcel with 12 stamps on it.
Called out for three and
got the night watchman.
You're lucky I got Mrs. Slocombe.
I didn't see Captain
Peacock at all that evening.
- Well, he was with Mr.
Rumbold's secretary.
Yeah, and then he told
her that we were gonna play
Sardines, and he took her
into the broom cupboard.
We'd never have found him yet,
except he caught his
blow tickler in the door.
She said she'd missed her last bus,
so he said he'd give her
a lift home to Reading.
He was last seen surrounded by policemen
playing Amazing Grace
on a breathalyzer bag.
Mr. Humphries.
Men's apparel.
Assistant 13 speaking. Unlucky for some.
Hello, Mrs. Peacock, can I help you?
Mrs. Peacock.
Yes.
She wants to know if Captain
Peacock got back safely
from his conference in Birmingham.
Sales conference in Birmingham.
He hasn't been to a sales
conference in Birmingham.
You can't tell her that.
I know.
No, it's not convenient at the moment.
You've come straight
through to a fitting room.
How's that for you, sir?
Well, it's fine, it's fine. Just fine.
I'm just serving five rubbish in with a
at the moment.
Captain Peacock is dealing
with a customer elsewhere.
Probably in Reading.
He's probably in bedding.
I'll give him your message as
soon as he comes on the floor
and get him to ring you.
I see, you'll ring him yourself?
Bye bye, Mrs. Peacock. Thank you.
What about that then?
Well, it proves one thing.
He hasn't been home.
I do hope he hasn't gone off the rails.
I did myself, you know, when
I was in bathroom fittings.
There was a girl in haberdashery.
I got her into trouble.
What, with a supervisor?
In the club.
You mean the social club?
The pudding club.
You think you invented it?
Look, there he is now.
And there she is.
Don't let him see us looking.
It's disgusting.
They're pretending to ignore each other.
Did you see that?
Carry on, sir, nothing has happened.
Good morning, Mr. Humphries.
Good morning, Captain Peacock.
Morning, Mrs. Slocombe.
Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.
I guess I am a bit late.
There's a reason, of course.
And here it comes.
And the next object is a lie.
A lie.
I'm afraid I overslept,
and so did Mrs. Peacock,
and the alarm failed to go off.
Yes, well, the alarm's
gone off all right now.
Mrs. Peacock's just phoned.
What did she say?
She wanted to know if
you got back all right.
How thoughtful of her.
From your sales
conference in Birmingham.
Yes, I could explain that--
You better explain to her now.
Men's ready-made.
Hello, my dear.
How sweet of you to ring.
What on Earth makes you think
that I wasn't in Birmingham?
How could your brother have
seen me driving through Reading?
But, darling, there must be
lots of Fords with a broken
rear window, missing hubcaps,
and a dent in the rear wing.
Well, if he had a girl with
him, that proves it wasn't me.
Where was I when you last called?
In bedding.
I was in bedding.
No, not Reading. Bedding.
Look, dear, there's really no
need for you to come over here
to talk over anything,
We could easily have a
little chat when I get home.
Now, I must go.
We've got a lot of customers.
That's fine.
Yes, you've been a very
attentive young man.
Thank you, Mr. Robertson,
and don't worry if a bit long.
It's bound to ride up with wear.
As you can hear, dear, we are very busy.
Bye bye, darling.
All this must seem a bit strange to you.
Not when you watch Coronation Street.
Don't worry, Stephen, we'll back you up.
If you're referring to the
rumors that there is something
between Mr. Rumbold's
secretary and myself,
I must categorically deny it.
Excuse me a moment.
Not here.
Mr. Rumbold wants to see you.
Well, you don't have to
make a secret about that.
I'll be there in a minute.
She just came to tell me that
Mr. Rumbold wishes to see me.
Yeah.
Course it's none of my business, but,
while you're in there, I
should get Rumbold to back up
your story about the sales
conference in Birmingham.
I can't overlook your lateness.
I shall have to forward this report.
Come in.
I shall only be a moment, Peacock.
I'm just taking down the
details of why my secretary
was so very late this morning.
Now, let's just run over this.
You've spent the night with
Stephen in a car shelter.
No, no, with my friend
Stephanie in Carshalton.
Oh, yes, and by mistake, in the morning,
she took the Hamburg
from the bedside table?
Handbag.
Oh, yes. Handbag.
With your season ticket in it, and,
by the time she returned, you were late.
Do you have anything else to add.
I'm sure she hasn't.
No, sir.
Yes, I can't promise that
you won't hear more of this.
That's all.
I can't help feeling that that girl's
getting into bad company.
Peacock, you too were
rather late this morning.
No connection, sir.
Wasn't suggesting that there was,
but I would like an explanation.
It was for reasons
I'd rather not go into.
I told Mrs. Peacock that I was with you
at a sales conference in Birmingham.
But I wasn't at a sales
conference in Birmingham.
I know that, sir, but
couldn't you pretend
that we were at a sales
conference in Birmingham?
Is this some kind of game?
No, sir, but, if Mrs. Peacock asks you,
it's absolutely vital
that you bear up my story.
After all, we have known
each other 14 years,
man and boys wear.
I'm sorry, Peacock, but
I was in London last night,
and our friendship is not
strong enough to make me say
that I was 90 miles away in Birmingham.
Watford Gap?
Rumbold, here.
It's my secretary's father.
Yes, we were rather wired about it too,
but there's no cause for alarm.
She spent the night with
Stephen in a car shelter.
Stephanie in Carshalton.
I'm sorry.
It's my glasses.
With Stephanie in Carshalton.
I see.
Oh, dear.
Well, you better do what you think best.
Yes, goodbye.
These young girls, all a tissue of lies.
Her father phoned Stephanie,
and you can guess the rest.
She didn't spend the
night in Carshalton.
Precisely.
Has he any inkling where
she did spend the night?
No, but he's coming here
to see the girl and find out.
I'd suppose it's absolutely
out of the question
to have the rest of the day off.
Rumbold, here.
Mrs. Cannon from personnel's
coming over in five minutes
to interview Mrs. Slocombe.
Is it all right if she uses your office?
Yes, yes, of course.
Well, that'll be all, Peacock.
Thank you, sir.
You've been most helpful.
Peacock, I'll tell you what I can do.
I can try to be elsewhere
if Mrs. Peacock calls, hmm?
Thank you, sir.
Get me Mrs. Slocombe, will you?
It's Jackie. It's for you.
Mrs. Slocombe, underwear.
Oh, in your office, Mr. Rumbold?
Yes, thank you very much.
Wish me luck.
I'm going to be interviewed now
with the lady from personnel.
You know, I think I'll wear me
glasses, make me look older.
I mean, I don't want to
look too young for the job.
On the other hand
I don't want to look too old either.
Everything all right, Captain Peacock?
Yes, up to a point.
Was Mr. Rumbold helpful?
Let's put it this way:
if one were drowning, Mr.
Rumbold would be the first
to hold out an electric cow prod.
Hear, hear Captain Peacock.
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
Get on with it. What is it?
Here's the bad news: your
wife has just cut through
the main doors, and the
good news is that there's a
sila bulletproof vest
down in sports department.
You know what I do in cases like this?
I just bare my soul and reveal everything.
And run like hell.
I'd be most grateful if
you'd both stay within earshot.
She won't make a scene in public.
Standby. Here's the lift.
Blimey, the worry has now have aged her.
That is not my wife.
This is my wife.
Stephen.
Hello, my dear.
I didn't expect to see you.
Where were you?
When, dear?
If you're going to prevaricate
with me, I shall kick you
right in the middle of the
gentleman's department.
Can't we discuss this
when I get home, my sweet?
You won't be going home.
They're changing the
locks now, my precious.
But we were going to the
old comrade's dance tonight.
You promised to press my dinner jacket.
I've kept my promise.
I have pressed it right down the lavatory.
And I pulled the chain.
But we bought that
dinner jacket together.
I remember it was an export reject.
I cleaned your shoes
as well with your shirt,
not to mention polishing
the silver with your tie
and sweeping the chimney
with your pajamas.
Very domesticated, isn't she?
You were with that girl, weren't you?
What girl?
I heard all about you
at the Christmas party
with your blow tickler.
You were disgraceful.
You were a figure of fun.
I was not a figure of fun.
I behaved with perfect dignity.
Is that not so, Mr. Humphries?
Quite right Captain Peacock,
and the stories about your blow tickler
are a gross exaggeration.
You didn't even use it
after you'd trapped it
in the broom cupboard, did you?
Let me tell you this, Stephen Peacock.
You've used your blow
tickler for the last time.
I'm going to see Mr. Rumbold,
and when I've told him
everything about you,
you'll be back where you started,
sweeping up in the stock room.
The lady from personnel
just called to say
she's sorry for the delay.
She won't be a minute.
That's quite all right.
Enter.
Is this Mr. Rumbold's office?
Yes, that's right.
Where is he?
I don't know, but I'm sure
he'll be back before long.
Do you work for him?
Yes, I do.
You're the one then, aren't you?
I sincerely hope so.
You're older than I expected.
I'm only a little over
40, and though I do say,
so I shouldn't, I have all the enthusiasm
of a younger woman,
combined with a great deal of experience.
You're pretty cool, aren't you?
Of course it's not the first time
I've been up for this sort of thing.
You've done it before, have you?
Oh, yes.
I believe in jumping at every opportunity.
Anything to get out of underwear.
I'm afraid, well, there isn't
much room behind the counter
for a woman of my imagination.
You're very outspoken, aren't you?
You know what us Northerners are.
You were in Reading, weren't you?
Reading?
Come along now. Tell me the truth.
Were you or were you not in Reading?
Will it help if I said I was?
I knew it.
That's all I need to know.
Don't you want to know any details?
I've got quite enough
for my solicitor to settle
the necessary documents,
and I shall see to it
that your name appears in every newspaper,
and they'll all know you for what you are.
Fame at last.
And from now on, you can
take care of the gallant
Stephen Peacock.
You can iron his shirts
and iron his socks,
and you can bring up his early
morning tea when he's sitting
up in bed in those
hideous striped pajamas.
They never mentioned anything about that
when they advertised a
vacancy on the notice board.
Captain Peacock, you want the bad news
or the very bad news?
Just get to the point.
The girl's father's here on the premises
looking for the man what spent
the night with his daughter.
Glass of water for Captain Peacock.
I should save it 'til
he's had the very bad news.
Mrs. Peacock was last
seen chasing Mrs. Slocombe
down the store there,
hitting her over the
head with her umbrella.
Mr. Grainger, would you
take care of the floor
for a few moments?
With pleasure.
Standby to make it permanently.
Pleasure, Stephen.
Anything to help.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
I'm very free, Mr. Grainger.
Will you take over
for me while I take over
for Captain Peacock?
Shall I take over
for you, Mr. Humphries,
or shall I stay standing here?
Keep going.
Just look at that action.
He's wanted that job for 15 years.
The mind is willing,
but the bunions are weak.
You take over for Mrs. Slocombe.
It don't look like she got the job.
Hey, look up, it's the girls father.
Good morning, sir. Can I be of any help?
Are you the person in
charge of this department?
I am, yes.
So, you're the one who's
ruined my daughter's reputation.
You mean the girl who
was in haberdashery?
There's another one?
But that was 25 years ago.
But you're still at it.
You see this?
This was for my daughter's
wedding next week.
Now her fiance has walked
out on her, and why?
All because of you.
You sit there, Mr. Grainger.
Are you all right?
What?
I said are you all right?
No, of course I'm not all right.
How can I be all right
with currants in both ears?
I'm going to sue, you know.
You do that, Mr. Grainger,
and don't forget to simulate
your cream up the nostrils.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Mr. Grace has very kindly
agreed to preside in this
sort of inquiry into the affair concerning
Captain Peacock and my secretary
I would like to object
to the word affair
being used at this stage.
There has been no affair.
I wasn't using the word
affair in that sense.
Shall we call it the occurrence?
I'm going to sue for that too.
Sue for what, Mr. Grainger?
The currants in my ear.
I'll explain to him.
We haven't got to your currants yet.
No, they're very deep.
I should probably have to be
anesthetized and syringed.
Carry on. He'll catch up.
We also have to consider
the case of the assault
by Mrs. Peacock on Mrs. Slocombe,
an assault witnessed by Mr. Harman.
Yes, I had one up my
nose, but I got it out.
Had what up your nose?
Salted almonds.
We're talking about Mrs. Slocombe.
She gets up everyone's nose.
Don't start.
I am just in the mood.
That was Joe Loss, wasn't it?
What was Joe Loss, Mr. Grace?
In the mood.
Yes, yes, you're quite right, sir,
but we're discussing the
assault on Mrs. Slocombe.
Yes, those terrible fellows,
those bad boys, you know?
Excuse me, sir.
Shall I serve out the
coffee while we sort it out
as far as we've got?
No, we must get on.
We also have to consider the
cake on Mr. Grainger'd head
with the cream up the nose
and the currants in the ears.
Now you're rambling.
Did you get all that down?
- Every word, sir.
- Well, cross it out.
Perhaps if we took things in the order
in which they happened,
we might avoid confusion.
Some, I hopes, we'll have
to send for Ellery Queen.
It would be the best Ellery to send for.
Yes, well, I think perhaps
you're right, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Grace and I are most anxious that,
at the end of the day,
every party concerned
should leave this room
completely satisfied.
- Does that include Mr.
Grace's secretary as well?
Mr. Lucas, this is a serious matter.
My whole future at
Grace Bros. is at stake.
Well, I think you
should be sent right off.
Mr. Lucas is a material
witness to you being hit
on the head.
Yeah, I was the one who cheered.
Listen, it's no laughing matter.
She could well have suffered brain damage
if it hadn't been for
the fact she got her hair
double-lacquered for the interview.
Mr. Harman, ask my secretary
to come in, will you?
Yes, certainly, sir.
I have kept Mrs. Peacock separate from her
in case they got together and
at each other on the carpet.
I've also taken the liberty
of confiscating her umbrella.
Calling Miss Monica Hazlewood.
Do, take a seat, please.
You see that.
You see? He's pretending to ignore her.
I bet it's been going on for years.
Now, Miss Hazlewood,
I'm going to ask you
a direct question.
I have no right to do so, and, of course,
you don't have to answer it,
and, if you do answer it,
nobody's going to hold
it against you or use it
in any future proceedings.
Do you understand?
Yes, sir.
It hardly seems worth
her coming, does it?
Did you or did you not spend the night
with Captain Peacock?
I object.
Spend the night has many connotations.
One can spend the night quite innocently
in someone's company.
If you mean did she have an
affair with me, then say so.
Very well. Did you have an
affair with Captain Peacock?
Certainly not.
Thank you.
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard of.
It's absurd.
Ew, it's unthinkable.
You've made your point, Miss Hazlewood.
A plain no would have
been quite sufficient.
It's a sultana.
I beg your pardon.
It's just fell out of my left ear.
I thought it was a current,
but it's a sultana.
Thank you, Mr. Grainger.
Shall I put it on
the table as exhibit a?
Damn, I've dropped the thing.
Miss Brahms is sitting
on it. Here you go.
Get off!
Look at that, it's still warm.
A bit flat, but it's still warm.
Allow me.
Exhibit a.
I can hear much better now.
I think the only way to
settle this is for me to give
a detailed account in front of my wife
of all the precise
circumstances that led to this
unfortunate chain of events.
Yes, I think you're right.
Mr. Harman, ask Mrs. Peacock
to come in, will you?
Calling Mrs. Peacock.
Please sit down.
Who's this?
This is Captain Peacock's wife, sir.
Sooner him than me.
Is that her?
That is my secretary, yes.
When I was in the navy,
we had a petty officer
just like that.
I notice she didn't burst into tears
when she thought it was me.
Funny, that.
I'm so sorry. It was such a shock.
First of all, there have
been rumors for some time
that I've been paying
attention to Miss Hazlewood.
It has been said that,
at the Christmas party,
I pursued her with my blow tickler.
Exhibit b, one blow tickler.
I should like to make it perfectly clear
that I pursued everybody
with my block tickler.
I'll second that.
We all did a lot of blow tickling.
I think we can ignore that.
Cross out the blow tickling.
Secondly, it has been said that
I held Miss Hazlewood's hand
in the canteen.
That is true.
Now we're getting down
to the gritty nitty.
I was comforting her.
I expect she was frightened
by the toad in the hole.
We were discussing marriage.
Emotional woman, isn't she?
Her marriage. Her forthcoming
marriage to her fiance.
She was asking my advice.
I was against it.
I thought she was too
young and inexperienced.
So you took her out to
give her some experience?
I did not.
On the night in question,
she was distressed,
so I took her to Beppe's
Cafe for a coffee.
Big spender.
I tried to dissuade her
from the irrevocable stab
of getting married.
Because of your own unhappy experience?
I didn't say that.
No, but you looked it.
Sound the gong, please.
Break clean.
I succeeded.
She phoned her fiance and called it off.
Am I correct?
Oh, yes.
I wanted four
He has a remarkable
effect on women, doesn't he?
He was so good looking,
and now he's got nobody.
Story of my life.
Miss Hazlewood was in a
state similar to the one
you see her in now, so I
thought it best to run her home
in my car.
Six miles outside Reading, I broke down.
It was raining, and I tried to restart,
but there must have been
an electrical fault,
because there was no
current in my battery.
I thought the currants
were in Grainger's ear.
No, sir, that was a sultana.
Very complicated, isn't it?
We waited until dawn when the patrol van
started me up again.
Just a minute. Just a minute.
What happened between the
time the car broke down
and daylight?
I suggested that Miss
Hazlewood climb into the back.
That's exactly what I would have done.
I sat behind the wheel all night
trying to think what to
say to the woman I love.
Why not jump in the
front for a quick cuddle?
Quiet, Lucas.
- Foolishly, I asked Mr.
Rumbold to perjure himself.
Quite correctly he refused so to do,
for after all, when the
final account is balanced up
in the book of life, we
are men of integrity.
What I've said is true, and I swear it
as a God-fearing man and an ex officer
of the Royal Army Service Corps.
Mrs. Peacock, if ever
I've heard the truth
from the lips of a man,
I've heard it today.
I'm sure you can doubt
your husband no longer.
I didn't think people
talk like this anymore.
Darling, I believe you.
Well, that's all settled then, and,
on behalf of Grace Bros., may we hope that
you will both sail life's stormy seas
into the calm waters of old age safely
and irremovably together.
We probably shall.