Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Father Christmas Affair - full transcript

(knock on door)

Enter.

Here we are sir.

One cup of decaffeinated coffee

with two lumps of de-sugarized sugar

with a dash of de-fattenated milk.

It ain't worth drinking but
if you pour it over your head

it will wake you up.

Which one do you think suits me best?

This one, or this one?

Oh if I was you I'd stick to that.



Captain Peacock, are you free?

Not at the moment, I'm fluting.

I am free now.

Well gather the staff together.

The CDU has arrived.

The CDU?

The Christmas Display Unit.

Of course, yes.

Miss Brahms, forward
please. Mrs. Slocombe?

Oh she's in there, flogging a titfer.

If you mean she's
undertaking a military sale

I'm sure she can spare us a moment.

Mrs. Slocombe.

You called.



May we inquire why
you're wearing that hat.

A customer wanted to
see how it looked on me.

Where is the customer?

She left.

Mr. Rumbold would like to
see you, without the hat.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

Captain Peacock, would
you come over here.

I'd rather that you came over to me.

Well I would rather
that you came over to me.

Grainger, although you
are the senior assistant

I must inform you that I am the one

who is in charge on the floor.

And I must inform you that I'm the one

who has his tie caught in the till.

All you have to do is ring up no sale.

To do that I need your signature

so will you please come over here.

The store seems half empty.

Where's Mr. Lucas?

I'll be with you in a moment, sir.

Come here at once Mr. Lucas.

I just, I'm just coming
Captain Peacock, just coming.

What are you doing?

I was just demonstrating
the electric trouser press,

Captain Peacock.

I was just disconnecting it.

I see.

Your tested sandwich is ready, Mr. Lucas.

Explain yourself.

It's my breakfast, sir.

If I don't have breakfast, I
faint in front of the customers

and it's very bad for Grace Brothers.

Why don't you have breakfast
before you leave home?

Well I very nearly did,

only the central heating's
been cut off in the building.

I was just about to
have my two boiled eggs

when I noticed that my
poor crippled mother

was lying there, blue with a cold.

What could I do, I thought.

So I stuck the two boiled
eggs in the tea cozy

and stuck it on her head
to keep her ears warm.

If you care to join us for Christmas,

you're very welcome Captain Peacock.

Get rid of it.

Yes sir.

Well now where's Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grace gave him special
permission to be late

after the weekend.

Nobody told me about this.

Where have you been, Mr. Humphries?

Where no other man has ever been before.

Have you been in the lady's power room?

Mr. Humphries has been
at an outward bound school.

Yes, they rode us to this island

and we all had to fend for ourselves.

All they gave us was a two-man tent.

I fought til three o'clock in the morning.

That was just to get the stove alight.

Were they all men?

Well it's hard to tell
like this, isn't it?

Had it not been for a mouse
crawling into the tent

I'd never have realized
that for the past two days

I'd been sharing me razor
with a lady traffic ward.

Get into a fitting ward and take it off

before the customers see you.

With pleasure.

You know, coming here on the tube,

an Eskimo tried to rub noses with me.

But I should have thought
you'd be one of the last people

to go on one of those expeditions.

The advert said it
would make a man of you

so me mother thought I'd
better give it a try.

Feel the sunshine.

Everybody shines.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the CDU.

CDU?

The Christmas Display Unit.

Grace Brothers is purchasing
one for each department.

What a lovely thought.

I bet there's a diesel
powered radio to go with it.

Next Christmas they'll have
us all replaced by robots.

I can see it now, you know,

a remote control Grainger
with a bionic truss.

A gas-filled Mrs. Slocombe.

And a special switch for Mr. Lucas

to shut his atomic cake hole.

May we inquire exactly
what its function is?

Yes well, the specification says

that it utters a Christmas phrase

in a deep, avuncular
voice, and opens its arms

in a friendly, welcoming fashion.

That'll be nice.

Can I ask a question.

Yes, of course.

I realize it is all rather technical

for the average mind to
grasp, but I'll do my best.

What is it?

What does avuncular mean?

Well it means like a sort of...

Like an uncle.

But he looks nothing like my uncle.

Looks a bit like my Aunty Ethel,

only her beard's a bit longer.

Yes well I won't ask if
there are any more questions.

Can we see it work?

Yes, all we need is 50 P.

Oh, here. Be my guest Mr. Rumbold.

No call for you to
provide it, Mr. Harman.

Oh, think nothing of it.

I've got the key to the money box.

Ho ho ho little boy, have
I got a surprise for you.

Well you see there should
be a brand tub in front

where the little ones put
their sticky little mitts

and they bring out a
magnificent plastic present

made in Hong Kong.

Worth about (mumbles).

I thought you said it opened its arms

in a warm and friendly fashion.

I think a little technical
adjustment is required,

if you will excuse me.

- Shall I try again sir?
- Yes please.

Ho ho ho little boy, have
I got a surprise for you.

(audience laughter and applause)

Well the sleeves has
got stitched to the coat.

I'll soon get that fixed.

Have I missed anything?

Well there are one or
two teething troubles

but I'm sure you'll soon get the just

of what we're trying to do.

Show him, Mr. Harman.

There are going to be one of these

in each department for Christmas.

Ho ho ho little boy, have
I got a surprise for you.

(audience laughter and applause)

What type is that?

One sardine on toast.

Oh, watching our figures, are we?

We don't get paid until tomorrow.

You know, I can't make up me mind

whether to have it on the bone or off.

Why not have it stuffed, dear.

Have it stuffed as a
memento of your hard times.

You don't want all
those potatoes, do you?

Get off.

What did you select, Captain Peacock?

Steamed cod. Shall I take your tray?

Oh thank you.

Just think, 40 brave men
tossed in their frail craft

in a 90 mile an hour
gale, rammed by gun boats,

frozen fingers pulling at
the nets, all for this.

That's not haddock.

I should get on with it, if I were you.

It all tastes the same.

If you don't fancy
the tail, I'll have it.

Where's old Grainger?

When last seen he was
ordering a minute steak.

His teeth will never stand up to it.

Well at least it won't splash.

I think he's rather worried.

He's volunteered to do a turn at a concert

for the old people's home.

Didn't he do that last year?

He does it every year.

He does an impersonation of Churchill.

Never have so many Winstons
been done so often for so few.

Well this time they've asked him

to do something more up to date.

Oh yeah, what's he come up with?

Stafford Cripps.

Could you pass the water, please.

I'm on a health diet. Thank you.

You know, one doesn't realize how short

of the essentials one is
until one starts looking

at health magazines.

Which particular pill is going to cure

which particular deficiency?

I should start with the
big ones if I were you.

Funny you should say that.

That's kelp, very good
for the hair and nails.

And this is vitamin A, B, C, and D.

That replaces the
vitamins in bread, butter,

cheese, beer, and sunshine.

Well personally, I'd
rather have a cheese sandwich

with a glass of beer, sitting in the sun.

But I've paid so much for
these pills, I can't afford it.

This is a new one I'm taking
at the moment, vitamin E.

Isn't that supposed to make you be sexy.

Hang on a minute.

Nothing yet.

What are those little ones?

Oh those, those are to stop me

getting all gray and wrinkled and old.

I'll bet you've been taking those,

haven't you Mrs. Slocombe.

No, I just look after myself.

I'm sure you do.

And may I say how much I admire you.

Thank you Mr. Lucas.

How else could you look like that at 65.

Lucas, if you're
impolite to Mrs. Slocombe

you will not be permitted
to sit at the table.

Did you get your minute steak?

No, they said it would take ten minutes

so I settled for spaghetti bolognese

and some junket.

Mr. Lucas, get in touch with
the dry cleaning department.

Tell them to stay open late.

I'm very fond of this, you know.

Yes, Mrs. Grainger and I
first had it in Sorrento.

Did you ever finish it?

Facetious Mr. Lucas.

He eats the knack, you know.

Right hand down a bit.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Grainger,

you lie down and we'll drop
it into the little red hole.

Were you the last spaghetti?

Yes, well what's the trouble.

I hope you haven't eaten it yet.

No, you're just in time.

Pull up a chair and watch.

No it's the bolognese.

We just looked at the date on the tin,

it expired six months ago.

Damn. The first time I'd mastered it.

Never mind, you still got the junket.

I was hoping he'd forgotten that.

Am I to understand that you're looking

for alternative materials
for your old folks home?

Yes, a pity about Winston Churchill.

Yes, all the old values are changing.

And if I may say so,

I do think that Stafford
Cripps is a bit out of date.

Yes, perhaps you are right Stephen.

I might try Leslie Hore-Belisha.

Who was he when he was at home?

He was responsible for
flashers at pedestrian crossings.

And he got knighted for that?

He was knighted for
inventing the Belisha beacon.

It could be your greatest triumph, sir.

I can see it now, Mr.
Grainger is standing there

with his head painted red, flashing away.

My memory is not so good, you know.

I don't know whether I'd be
able to learn the new words.

Well, that's easily
remedied Mr. Grainger.

You could mime to something.

Yeah, what about Julie Andrews

and her
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Well I think it's very unkind

the way you go on at Mr. Grainger.

What have you ever done for old people.

I helped you the other day

when your fitting room door got stuck.

Lucas, you will apologize,
and that is an order.

I'm very sorry Mrs. Slocombe.

I do apologize most
sincerely and most deeply.

Accepted.

She really is a good
old sport, you know.

I think the idea of a mime

might very well solve your problems.

Yes, the black and white minstrels mime,

they just open and close their mouths.

Yes but there are 50 of them
and there's only one of me.

You could do Al Jolson.

I'm surprised you
remember him, Mrs. Slocombe.

They'll have the record
in the music department.

All you'll have to do is
open and close your mouth

at the right moment.

Bet you he can't do
that with the junket.

Perhaps you could get Mr. Humphries

to teach you a few actions to go with it.

Oh would you Mr. Humphries?

- Yes, with pleasure Mr.
Grainger, I love a challenge.

All we've got to do is
think of the right song.

What about the Old Folks at Home.

The Old Folks at Home,
Mrs. Slocombe could teach you

the actions to that.

- I'm off.
- Mr. Lucas.

All right, I'll go and apologize.

What about Climb Upon
My Knee, Sonny Boy.

I don't think his knees are up to it.

I can remember some
of the words of Mammy.

Which are the words you remember?

Mammy, mammy.

I'm not very clear after that.

There's a lot of work to do.

She's not cross.

She was at the counter
ordering a bowl of junket.

You're very lucky, Mr. Lucas,

that Mrs. Slocombe is a
woman of great self control.

Yes, she's not a bad old trout really.

Grainger, I borrowed this record

and we can play it
through the sound system.

This is really very good of
you you know, Mr. Humphries.

Not at all Mr. Grainger.

As soon as everybody's gone
we'll have a little rehearsal.

Just a moment please, just a moment.

Mr. Rumbold would like to
address you before you all leave.

Well I hope it's not going to take long.

If I'm not home on the stroke of seven

my pussy starts clawing at me.

Sorry about this, you've probably heard

that our electric Father
Christmases have not been

an unqualified success.

The voice is all right but the
arms need some modification.

Yes, it was a pity about the small boy

with the broken ribs.

Still, Mr. Grace did
manage to pull a few strings

and get him put in a
private ward with his father

who's no longer on the danger list.

Having recovered from the
electric shock sustained

when trying to release the little lad.

What it is to have influence.

So it's been decided
to abandon the project

and instead substitute
a live Father Christmas.

I'm asking for a volunteer.

Naturally, it's hot work
but there is a bonus,

10 pounds a week.

- Less tax?
- Less tax.

Anybody fancy wearing a beard

and a dressing gown for
a week for three quid.

Perhaps a show of hands.

With all these youth
pills that I'm taking

I don't think it would
be good for my image.

Children don't seem to like me.

When I smile they hide their
faces in their mother's skirt.

Well, if any of you do
decide to change your mind

perhaps you'd like to submit
a written application.

Otherwise someone will
have to be appointed.

Well that's all, goodnight everybody.

Right come on, I plugged it in.

- Now Mr. Grainger, Mr.
Lucas and I have worked out

one or two actions for you.

That's very kind of you Mr. Humphries.

Not at all, Mr. Grainger.

I just hope you'll bear it in mind

when I ask if I can leave
early on Christmas Eve

to do me shopping.

Well nothing is for nothing
as my grandmother used to say.

Now you sit down here Mr. Grainger

and we'll show you what we've got in mind.

Your hat Mr. Lucas.

Oh thank you Mr. Humphries.

Your cane, Mr. Humphries.

Are you free Mr. Humphries?

I'm free Mr. Lucas.

Right, contact.

("My Mammy" by Al Jolson)

♫ Mammy

♫ Mammy

♫ The sun shines east

♫ The sun shines west

♫ But I know where the sun shines best

♫ Mammy

♫ Mammy

♫ My heartstrings are
tangled around Alabammy

♫ I'm comin'

♫ Sorry that I made you wait

♫ I'm comin'

♫ I hope and pray I'm not too late

♫ Mammy

♫ Mammy

♫ I walk a million miles
for one of your smiles

♫ My mammy

(audience applause)

What do you think of that, Mr. Grainger?

What do you think of that?

Well there were one or two bits

that I didn't quite grasp.

Don't worry about that.

There's your stick, there's your hat.

All you've got to do is get
to the middle and follow.

Now back a bit, back a bit.

There you are.

Lucky you were a dancer, isn't it.

Yes, yes, I mean lots of
people would takes years

to get hold of a routine like this.

All right, stand by, here we go.

("My Mammy" by Al Jolson)
- Now walk round.

And swing.

♫ Mammy

♫ Mammy

♫ The sun shines east

♫ The sun shines west

Hang on a minute.

I'm afraid I made a few mistakes there.

Yes you did.

My mouth was moving
with the words, wasn't it.

Oh yes, your legs weren't
moving with your brain.

Perhaps we could do it a bit at a time.

Yeah, all right, yes.

First of all let's start by
deciding which is your left leg.

I'll tell you what you do, Mr. Grainger.

You see you come on like this and you go,

Mammy, Mammy, the sun shines east,

and you go over there,

the sun shines west,
and you go over there.

And I know where the sun shines best.

Which direction is that?

We'll meet that when we come to it.

Perhaps we could play
the music a little slower.

I'll have a word with Al Jolson.

It's on the record.

Well yes but you can change the time.

You're not as silly
as you look, are you.

All right, ready?

Yes, now steady Mr. Grainger.

And go.

("My Mammy" by Al Jolson)

♫ Mammy

♫ The sun shines east

♫ The sun shines west

Mr. Lucas, please.

He'll do himself a mischief.

But sir, I think I've
got the hang of it now.

I've got the hang of it now.

We're going to do it very
slowly, Mr. Grainger,

so that it gives you plenty of time

to think what comes next.

[Mr. Lucas] All right.

Now walk round.

It's bionic Grainger.

♫ Mammy

♫ Mammy

♫ The sun shines east

♫ The sun shines west

West is here, yes, yes,
by George he's got it.

Wait til he gets his heartstrings
tangled around Alabama.

The way he's walking, I
think he already has it.

♫ Mammy

Now Mr. Grainger, that's it.

Don't screw yourself into the ground.

♫ My heartstrings are
tangled around Alabammy

Now watch.

♫ I'm comin'

♫ Sorry that I made you wait

- This way.
♫ I'm comin'

♫ I hope and pray I'm not too late

♫ Mammy

♫ My little mammy

♫ I'd walk a million miles

♫ For one of your smiles

♫ My mammy

(audience applause)

It's like this Mr. Grace,

to begin with, there were
no applications at all

for the Father Christmas post,

but since I've told my
staff that you're offering

50 pounds in cash, they've all applied.

I thought they would.

Some people will do anything for money.

Are you still down there Miss Bakewell?

[Miss Bakewell] Yes Mr. Grace.

Please come up here.

- You've been there long enough.
- It's all right

I found it, it was in
the waste paper basket.

All right, I've found it,

it was in the waste paper basket.

Oh good.

Well, who do you fancy?

None of your business.

As Father Christmas, sir.

Oh well then, line 'em all up

and I'll come down and pick
one out before the store opens.

And it is definitely 50 pounds in cash?

Absolutely, cash in hand.

Thank you sir.

(knock on door)

- Oh, who is it?
- Captain Peacock.

Oh well, come in.

I'm sorry, I wanted to see Mr. Rumbold.

Ah ha, good morning sir.

I came to inquire if the
members of the executive staff

were permitted to apply for
the post of Father Christmas.

- They are.
- I gathered that.

(knock on door)

Who is it?

[Mrs. Slocombe] Mrs. Slocombe.

Wait a minute.

Come over here and stand by
me, we'll give her a surprise.

Enter.

Mrs. Slocombe what on
earth are you playing at?

I am not playing at
nothing, Mr. Rumbold.

(spits)

But I would ask you to
remember that parliament

has passed the Sexual Relations Act,

which states that women are
just as good at it as men.

And what's more, they should
be paid the same for doing it.

I'm rather confused as to exactly

what you're suggesting, Mrs. Slocombe.

That I should be allowed to
have a go at Father Christmas.

Father's are, by tradition, men.

Well with all these whiskers,

who's to know the difference.

Presumably the mothers.

I demand rights to a fair trial.

Oh very well, we'll let
young Mr. Grace decide.

The things I do for 50 quid.

Well come on then, stand
up, let's have a look at you.

It may take longer than you expect.

Where on earth did you get that?

It was always leftover from last year's

Snow White stand.

I didn't know whether to be
Happy, Sneezy, or Grumpy.

If you ask me, you're dopey.

Before you speak, I've borrowed it.

I borrowed it off a friend of mine

who's in a Soho review
called Merry Stripmas.

Did you see what the girls wear.

You shrunk, or are you standing in a hole?

Down Fido.

Now I've seen everything.

I hope not.

Young Mr. Grace will
be here in a moment.

Where's Mr. Grainger?

Well I phoned last
night just before he went

to his concert and his wife said he'd put

black grease paint all over his face.

The parrot had seen him
and had a heart attack.

So I told her to wish him luck

and give the parrot
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Oh Mr. Grainger, you're amongst friends.

He said he's sorry he's late

but he got roped in his
third dustbin in a steel bin.

I've sat up all night trying to get

this damn stuff off my face.

Well have you used
the remover I gave you?

Yes I did, it broke me out in big bumps.

You poor old thing.

And I went to an all-night chemist.

Couldn't he help you?

No, he just rushed for the telephone,

called for an ambulance and said fever.

For heaven's sake, Mr. Grace
will be down in a moment.

Get the rest of your
Father Christmas stuff on

and maybe with the whiskers
and a beard he won't notice.

How did the show go?

I was a riot.

He went to the wrong hall

and did two choruses
for the National Front.

Well it's very lucky the
old people laughed a lot

because I had a terrible row
with my wife before I left.

I caught her kissing the parrot.

Quick, into line everybody.

Here comes young Mr. Grace.

Good morning everybody.

Good morning Mr. Grace.

Neither of you, you're
both too shifty eyed.

I'm not paying him 50
quid, he's only half-sized.

Let's see, I don't think I know you, do I?

Ho ho ho little boy, have
I got a surprise for you.

Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

Let's see, yes, I thought
you were very good last week.

You saw my sales figures?

No, no, I saw Merry Stripmas.

I found one.

Ah yes, now I knew it
would be a difficult choice,

so I sent my secretary out to pick up

the first small boy she
clapped her eyes on,

and he can choose.

Wow, that's what I call
a real Father Christmas.

Ho ho ho little boy, have
I got a surprise for you.

(audience applause)