Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 5 - Fifty Years On - full transcript

Can I help you?

Yes, I was wondering...

We're going on holiday,
he wants some beachwear.

Yes, I want some, I want some beachwear.

Robes and swimming trunks.

Yes, a robe and some swimming trunks.

I just said that, Claude.

Yes, she just said that.

Yes, Mr. Grainger, are
you free for beachwear?

I'm sorry, Captain Peacock,
but I'm brim steaming.

What a lovely action you
have there, Mr. Grainger.



Are you free, Mr. Lucas?

I'm sorry, Captain
Peacock, this lady's looking

for something large in y-fronts.

Where's Mr. Humphries, is he free?

I'm free.

Just had a disaster with my braces.

I stooped to conquer an inside leg,

there was a loud ping,
and I had to finish up

the customer with my hands in my pocket.

This lady says that this
gentleman requires beachwear.

Oh, my word, doesn't
the year fly quickly?

One minute it's oh come all ye faithful,

the next minute you're flat
on your back in the sand.

It's hard to know which one
enjoys the most, this way.



Now what did Sir have in mind?

We have Bermudas, down to
there, we have the shorts

up to there, and we have
the briefs up to there.

Anything else is in the sports department.

We were thinking of
going to the Orkneys.

How about some heiress tweed cottons?

Now don't worry if the wig
is a little loose, madam,

you'll find it will ride up with wear.

Anyway, what was I saying?

You were in this pub on your own...

Oh, yes, I was just
ordering a bottle of champagne

for me birthday.

Your birthday, oh, we
haven't missed it, have we?

Oh, no no no,
it's not for three days yet.

I was gonna say, we
haven't had a collection yet.

Oh, you mustn't think
of buying anything for me.

Well, not much anyway.

Well, as I was saying, isn't it funny

how you get into conversation with people?

I mean, there I was sitting on this stool

and this man was right
over at the other side

and all I did was take
me shoe off and bang it

on the counter to knock a nail back in

and he looked up and smiled.

Well, after that he must
have been interested,

and he must have been watching

because the minute I dropped me handbag

and me change went all over
the floor, he was on his knees,

helping me.

Oh, was he good looking?

Well, you know that
film where Steve McQueen

played a racing driver with a limp?

He didn't look like
Steve McQueen, did he?

Well, no, but he had
a very similar limp.

There you are, sir.

Would Madam care to see the shorts?

Oh yes, of course.

Madam would care to see the shorts.

You are getting absent minded.

It's a good job he
remembered his wife runs.

♫ Been round the world

♫ Looking for the sunshine

Mr. Harmon, how many
times have I told you

not to present yourself on the
floor during opening hours?

It must be awful for you to
keep telling me off like that.

It's making you frown,
and if you keep frowning,

you're gonna look older and older.

And Mrs. Peacock will find a younger man

and leave you and you'll go all to pieces

and have to retire just 'cause
I keep coming on this floor

which I've every right
to do, seeing as I've got

deliveries to the gent's department.

Have you quite finished?

I'll just move it over
here and connect it up.

What on earth is it?

It's the new model for
if you wanna get 'eadgear

'at week.

That is why I was doing my
brim steaming, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Grainger's often shown
me how to brim steam and shape,

but I get the wrist action
wrong every time I do it,

it goes limp.

Your wrist or the brim?

I say, perhaps you'd like me
to give you a demonstration?

Carry on, Mr. Harmon.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Well, that'll come in
handy if you're carrying

a couple of suitcases and
you bump into the queen.

How funny, the eyes are
supposed to light up as well.

Perhaps they only do that
if the queen's actually there.

Yes, well now you've
delivered it, Mr. Harmon,

please leave.

I can't, I've got another
one for Mrs. Slocombe, Henry?

Here, Mrs. Slocombe,

I've got some new models
for the flexy girdle,

it contains a figure
what's out of control.

Captain Peacock, I
hope that is not going

to distract attention from my hat.

We're all working for the
same store, Mr. Grainger.

I don't think it's
fair, his moves and talks,

mine doesn't do anything.

Don't underestimate the
Flexy Girdle corporation.

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Where's the others?

Well, I rushed on ahead
to give them a chance

to talk about me birthday.

I haven't reminded them yet.

Haven't you, not that
it matters of course,

but they'll be so upset if
they find they've forgotten it.

Well, I haven't had time.

Anyway, should the conversation crop up,

I'll leave the table and
they ain't never confab,

only remember, I've got an
ironing board and an iron

and a coffee pot and a toaster.

As I said to Mrs.
Axelby, if Richard Burton

wants to give Elizabeth
Taylor a diamond ring

worth two million pounds for her birthday,

that's entirely up to him.

You know, I can't remember whether

this is chicken soup or vegetable.

Well, taste it.

That's not going to make any difference.

Oh, that's confused everything,
it's got a fish bone in it.

That's not a fish
bone, that's a hair grip.

It's game soup.

You know, I always think
the grapefruit segments

are safer.

That's what that fly
thought, and he was wrong,

it killed him.

You know, it's so expensive
to eat out these days.

I took Mrs. Peacock to a
little candlelit taverno

for an orzo and a good annopolu,

nothing particularly expensive

Of course.

And with a to finish,

it came to nearly six pounds.

Night light robbery.

Was it her birthday?

No.

No, one has to take
one's wife out occasionally

for an airing.

You make her sound like a spaniel.

She doesn't look the
least like a spaniel.

Mind you, he has to tie her ears back

when she's having the soup.

Don't forget you're a junior, Mr. Lucas.

She has many beautiful
ears, they give her

a very pretty profile, mind you,

head ornament's a bit of a shock.

I don't go out unless
it's a special occasion.

Like a birthday.

I stay at home, you know,
and do something exotic.

Every now and again me
mother gets the Jimmy Young

recipe book off the shelf and
we have a few friends round

and then we watch Warship.

Do you eat it while you watch it?

Only if it's calm.

Then we pass the grog 'round
and we all take it in turns

to pretend to be the
commander getting cross.

Does your mother play the admiral?

Only if she promises to go to bed early.

Mind you, I suppose she
stays up late on her birthday.

Anyway, while you all
talk about birthdays,

I'll just go and have a word

with Miss Cumlosey in cosmetics.

What was all that about?

It was her idea of a subtle hint.

In three days' time, it's her birthday.

So what?

Well, it is one of our
Grace Brothers traditions,

Mr. Lucas, that the
departments club together

to buy a little present
on these occasions.

Oh, well, that's easy, Miss Brahams

is the lady's department,
she can club herself together

and get something really nice.

Oh, you're mean as
well as being over-sexed.

The whole floor will
club together, Mr. Lucas,

any suggestions?

I vote we give her a cyanide tablet.

No, I take that back.

Good.

Two cyanide tablets, in case
the first one doesn't work.

Mr. Grainger still blames
Mrs. Slocombe's corset display

for giving his revolving
hat a nervous breakdown.

I think we should make
it 50 P a head, hmm?

25 P for juniors.

You're not that junior.

You're gonna have to
bung in more than that.

It's her 50th.

What makes you think that, Miss Brown?

Apart from her appearance.

Well, she happened
to let it out last year

that she's the same age as her cat.

Now she bought that cat in 1968.

- Which makes Mrs.
Slocombe seven years old.

No, in the animal kingdom,
one year counts for seven.

Now wait a minute, let
me get this straight.

That's seven times 50, that makes her 350,

I wouldn't argue with that.

The cat was 49 last year.

Right, which makes Mrs. Slocombe 50.

Yes, we shall have
to do something special

to mark the occasion.

Well, I've already
suggested a cyanide tablet.

Well, in view of this
information, I think

perhaps we should make it a pound a head.

Yeah, well, if Rumbold chips
in, that'd make it six quid.

Well, even that's not a lot these days.

Hmm, I don't know,
it's dinner for one twice

at Captain Peacock's
taverno with gernapolu.

I'm not putting a quid
in until somebody proves

that she's 50.

Yes, it's a pity we can't ask the cat.

It's very difficult,
you know, to get to know

a lady's age, I keep asking me mother,

she always says, I'm as old as me nose

and a little bit older than me teeth.

I'm a great deal older than my teeth.

Well, how are we gonna find out?

Well, it should be in
her confidential records

in personnel.

Yeah, but I'm not doing
a Watergate on her records.

Or perhaps we might sort of tie it up

with a national event.

What'd you mean?

Well, for instance, the
Jarrow March, that was in 1936.

Now, if she remembers having
seen it when she was 10,

that would prove that she was 50.

Suppose the Jarrow March
didn't go past her house.

I shouldn't think it would,
she was born in Blackpool.

I'm not suggesting it's easy.

I mean, this is simply a method.

Look, I've got a diary here
that's got important events

listed.

Oh, well, go on, read it out then.

Oh, I can't, the print's a bit small.

Allow me.

My goodness me, it is small, isn't it.

Now then, let's have a look at 1926,

now that's the year we're
assuming she was born.

Now...

Ah, yes, yes, here we are.

Let's see if she remembers any of these.

Ibn Saud proclaimed king
of the Hejaz in Yedar.

That would stick in one's mind.

Cologne evacuated by British troops,

Shakespeare Memorial
Theater, Stratford upon Avon

burned down.

Is that all?

That's all, yeah.

Quite a year, wasn't it.

Nothing about the general strike?

We all had to give a hand, you
know, I drove an ambulance.

You didn't by any chance
pick up Mrs. Slocombe's mother

and take her to a maternity home, did you?

I hope I'm not interrupting
a private discussion.

No, no, no, we were
just discussing memory

and seeing how far back we could go.

From our earliest years.

As Mr. Grainger here well remembers,

Ibn Saud proclaimed King
of the Hejaz in Yadar.

Does he really?

Oh, yeah, there was
dancing in the street.

Does that ring a bell
with you, Mrs. Slocombe?

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Does the British army
ceasing to use cologne

mean anything to you?

Didn't know they'd even started.

What's your earliest
memory, Mrs. Slocombe?

I remember as if it was yesterday.

I had this uncle with a big red face

and a great big mustache.

He put his face right into me cot

and he went

Now I don't suppose
that was in the diary.

And then another time I
remember waking up in me cot

and the place was filled with smoke.

Stratford?

No, Malcolm.

I don't suppose she'd see it from there.

There you are, madame, and
do bring the garment back

if you find that your
daughter can't get in to a 48.

Now then, well, I haven't
had a chance to ask you.

How did it get on, did you drop the hint?

Oh yes.

Ooh, how did you manage it?

I mean, subtly introduce
it into the conversation?

I said it was your birthday.

Mind you, they shouldn't
think of buying me anything.

Oh, they weren't.

They weren't?

No, they weren't, they
were discussing how much

to divvy up.

Well, any little thing will do,

I mean, it's the thought
that counts, just a token.

Now those simulated foxes
are rather nice, aren't they,

and they're ever so
reasonable at 18 pounds.

I don't think we can manage that.

Well, of course, I
could make a reduction.

And then offer staff discount.

Come to think of it, it's
rather shop soiled, isn't it?

So that's a further
reduction, how 'bout 11 quid?

You're getting warmer.

Oh, look, there's a
little hole in the lining.

Well, of course, that makes it seconds.

Would that bring it
anywhere near six pounds?

Exactly.

I'll just mark the tickets,
six pounds, slightly soiled.

Oh, that looks lovely, may I?

Six pounds, did you say?

I'll take it.

Sale, Mrs. Slocombe?

I'm afraid so, Miss Brahams.

Are you free, Captain Peacock?

At the moment Mr. Lucas, yes.

I've just come from the pet department.

They've checked the pussy
book, and Mrs. Slocombe

definitely bought a new one in 1969.

That means that she's 50.

And her pussy's 56.

Don't complicate things, Mr. Humphries.

Hey, wait, a minute, look,
there's Harmon over there.

If he chips in, that'll
take 16 and a half percent

off the ante.

You're very good at figures
when it comes to being mean.

Excellent idea, Mr. Lucas,
Mr Harmon, one moment please?

Yes, sir, Captain Peacock.

- Mr. Harmon, it's Mrs.
Slocombe 50th birthday

and we're all putting in
a pound, what do you say?

I'm not allowed on the
floor during working hours.

I suppose Mrs. Slocombe
wouldn't care to put a pound in.

At least the cake won't cost anything.

Why, why not?

Well, I've got this lovely
tall friend in the patisserie.

Trust you.

She's a very nice girl, she
likes doing different things

with cakes, you know, so I've given her

a lot of Mrs. Slocombe's background

and she's going to do something
exotic with 50 candles.

Excellent, and we'll all give it to her

when the store closes on her birthday.

What are we gonna do with the six quid?

Not even sure we've got six quid.

I mean, if old Rumbold
does a Harmon on us...

Yes, well, um, seems a
bit slack at the moment,

let's go into his office and ask him.

A pound, even allowing for inflation,

seems rather a lot.

Well, Mr. Grainger did have
a less expensive suggestion

but after general
suggestion, we decided to err

on the side of generosity.

Oh, very well.

Thank you sir.

I wondered if on this special occasion

young Mr. Grace would care
to make a contribution?

Oh, we can certainly find out.

Mr. Grace here.

You're very faint.

You have to speak up a bit.

You're very faint,
you'll have to speak up.

I said it first.

Perhaps you've got the phone
round the wrong way again,

sir?

Have I?

Is that better?

I think it's as good
as we're going to get.

'Scuse me sir.

Not now, I'm on the phone.

Allow me.

Oh, thank you.

We're making secret
arrangements for Mrs. Slocombe's

birthday.

No need to shout.

Would you care to make
a contribution, sir?

Well, yes, put me down for half a crown.

How old is she?

No, it's not half crowns
now, sir, we've gone metric.

It's new pence, of
which the pound has 100.

What was that?

100.

Ooh, she should be retired.

Since she's stayed such a long time,

I'll make it five crowns.

Young Mr. Grace has generously agreed

to contribute 25 pence.

How much have we got altogether?

Six pounds, 25 pence.

Have you decided what to give her?

No, before making that decision,

we decided to await the
result of young Mr. Grace's

contribution, sir.

It hasn't made a lot of difference.

I could probably manage
15 cut price vouchers

for a canteen lunch.

Rather along the lines you
were thinking of, Mr. Grainger.

Don't you think that's
a little impersonal?

How about a voucher
for the pet department,

to give her a new pussy
when hers wears out?

How about a voucher from
Madame Bell's beauty parlor

for her special spring facial?

- No, not for Mrs.
Slocombe, for six pounds 25,

you wouldn't get enough
cement to fill the cracks.

Yes, there's one good thing sir,

we've got a very nice cake.

Yeah, yeah, friend of
Mr. Humphries is making it

in the patisserie.

I'm sure he'll do it very well.

I like to make it quite clear

that being of an affectionate nature,

I have many friends of all
shapes, sizes, and sexes.

Even this morning I had
some amorous advances

from a rag and bowman's
horse, which I repulsed.

I'm sure you've made it
quite clear where you stand,

Mr. Humphries.

What sex was the horse?

When you've got hooves
trampling on the cobbles

behind you, you don't
stop to ask questions.

Well, the actual gift I leave to you,

but I do think it's time we did something

about the way we present the cake.

Ah, it's going to be served
on a solid silver plated salvo

I mean the way we sing
Happy Birthday to You.

We do tend to rush through it.

I think as it's her half century,

we ought to make it really good.

There was a transport strike
on, sir, when we sang it

to you and we were in rather a hurry.

The only person to get right
through it was Mr. Grainger.

Yes, yes, I remember, my
scarf had caught in the till.

Well, anyhow, let's try
specially hard for Mrs. Slocombe.

We'll have a little rehearsal
when the store closes, mmm?

Here's your note, Mr. Humphries, A flat.

You'll have to hang on a
minute, I'm phoning me mother

to tell her I shall be late.

Hello, dear, well, yes,
look, you have yours

and leave mine in the
oven, well, I don't know

what time I shall be there,
we're having a sort of rehearsal

It's like a choir.

No, it's nothing to do with the vicar,

that was all in the past.

Of course I've got the right key.

Trouble is I keep going in the wrong flat.

No it isn't the story of my life.

All the stairs in that block look alike.

Yes, well, you better go or
your greens will need straining.

I wish she'd get married again.

Now before we start, what is her name?

Mrs. Slocombe.

Yes, I meant her first name.

Well, surely somebody must know,

you, Miss Brahams, you must have heard it?

Well, she calls me Shirley,
but I always call her

Mrs. Slocombe, even her
best friend, Mrs. Axelby,

always calls her Mrs. Slocombe.

She's a very private person.

You can say that
again, I don't even know

what she calls her cat.

On the billhead, she
signs the initial E.

Oh, well, that's easy then, isn't it.

♫ Happy birthday, E. Slocombe

♫ Happy birthday to you

Well, before the presentation,
we shall have to find out,

for the moment, we'll just hum it.

Now, these are the notes
that Captain Peacock

will be singing.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh, uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

From now on I shall always
think of Mrs. Slocombe

as dear uh uh.

But I fancy her name is Eleanor, now,

that's three syllables.

Yes, good point, Peacock, well,

in that case, we sing

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh

I think uh uh uh suits
her better than uh uh.

I believe her name is Esmeralda.

Four syllables, Mr. Rumbold.

Yes, well, let's see how that fits in.

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh uh uh

Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

What are we going to sing
now, uh, uh uh, uh uh uh

or uh uh uh uh?

I'll settle for that.

No, we'll have two uh's.

I entirely agree, two uh is human.

Well, the melody from
Mr. Grainger, Miss Brahams,

and myself, is quite straightforward.

Ah, Mr. Humphries and Mr.
Lucas, here is your descant.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

Do you mind if I have
a word with my friend?

We don't think we can get the top uh.

You don't know what
you can do until you try.

True.

- Well, now, just Mr.
Humphries and Mr. Lucas, ready?

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

There you are.

All right for you, my
braces have gone again.

Well, let's try it all together, eh?

Now this time I want you
all to put more emphasis

on the you, make it more personal.

Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,

happy birthday, dear uh
uh, then the grand finale,

happy birthday to you.

One gets the feeling
you've done this before.

I was a founder member of
Derry and Tom's glee club.

No wonder they went out of business.

Well, if you lot are gonna
wander down memory lane,

I'm gonna wander down and get me bus.

No, no, no, Miss Brahams,
come along, everybody,

all together, from the beginning.

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear uh uh

♫ Happy birthday to you

I like it, I like it, I like it.

Oh, it's nearly going home time, ooh,

I'm getting quite excited.

You going somewhere special?

Well, me and Mrs. Axelby
are just going to have

a quiet dinner at that little restaurant

next to the Damsel, you know,

opposite the American Forces club.

Oh, is that what you
brought your dancing shoes

with you for?

- That's it, come along.
- Ooh!

Where's the cake?

Don't worry, my friend's
delivered it to the basement,

Mr. Harmon's going to bring it up.

The other present?

It's here.

And what about her name,
for the happy birthday to you?

Hang on, look, Shirley
wrote it out for us,

there you are, one each.

Thank you.

Look out, she's pretending to go home.

Oh, well, I must be off.

Just one moment, Mrs. Slocombe?

Who, me?

We couldn't let today
pass without making

a little gesture.

Don't tell me you've
remembered me birthday.

How could we forget?

Or be allowed to.

Psst, ready when you
are with the C-A-K-E.

Thank you, Mr. Harmon,
Mr. Humphries, the present?

Oh, yeah, here we are, sir?

Mrs. Slocombe, dear Mrs. Slocombe.

Dear.

On behalf of your
colleagues and senior staff

and young Mr. Grace...

5%.

We have much pleasure
in presenting to you

this birthday gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have
bothered, can I open it now?

Naturally.

Oh, it's just what I've always wanted.

Lovely, isn't it?

Come on, let's have a look at it, eh?

Oh, look at that, worth every penny.

- Oh, you know, Mrs.
Grainger's always wanted one.

Well, I've had one of these for years,

I wouldn't be without it.

I wish I'd had one in the desert.

I've never actually seen one before.

We're not going to tell you
what it is, it's a secret.

Right, come on everybody, all together.

Ooh, what's happening now?

One, two.

♫ Happy birthday to you

♫ Happy birthday dear

♫ Mary Elizabeth Jennifer
Rachel Abigail Betty Slocombe

♫ Happy birthday to you

Hey oh, here you are, she says she hopes

it's appropriate to the
background of the person

what Mr. Humphries described.

50, 50, I am only 46.