Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 1 - No Sale - full transcript

(cash register ringing)

(upbeat music)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ kitchenware and food going up

♫ First floor telephones

Nearly 8:30 ladies,

you're supposed to be
finished no the floor by now.

We're not used to
coming to work this early.

My old man had a fit with his licker,



had to get his own breakfast.
(audience laughing)

If you ask me it's ridiculous,

opening the shop at this hour.

Who wants to go shopping an
hour past eight in the morning?

One has to experiment, that's
why we built the Concord.

Hear that Ethel,

he'll let us come in to
work on the Concord next.

(audience laughing)

(elevator door ringing)

[Rumbold] Good morning Captain Peacock.

Good morning Mr. Rumbolds.

What have you got there?

A cup of coffee, and what
was described at Fred's Caff

as a bacon butty.



(audience laughing)

I thought Mrs. Peacock
always got your breakfast.

Not at 0600 hours.

(audience laughing)

I tried to wake her up.

She turned over, and murmured something

which sounded remarkably like get knotted.

(audience laughing)

Still I'm sure the early
start will pay dividend.

(elevator door ringing)

(audience laughing)

What did I tilly, we've
got a customer already.

Can I help you sir?

Don't be daft, it's me.

(audience laughing)

My dad gave us a lift in on
the back of his motor bike.

We picked up Mrs. Slocum on the way.

That's rather dangerous,
three of you on a motorcycle.

She was in the sidecar.

(audience laughing)

(elevator door ringing)

(audience laughing)

This is the last time.

(audience laughing)

Willy said it was a T.T
rider, I thought he meant,

he didn't drink. (audience laughing)

Well I told you to face the
front. (audience laughing)

I couldn't bare to
see where I was going.

Oh he's going to cost me a
fortune at Madame Barrels

to get this knot back into
shape. (audience laughing)

Well, at least you're
here on time Mrs. Slocum.

Time for what? (audience laughing)

There won't be any customers you know.

And what it's doing to
my domestic arrangements.

Having a bath at six
O'clock in the morning,

played havoc with my
pussy. (audience laughing)

I mean he sleeps in the airing cupboard,

and the gurgling of the tank woke him up.

(elevator door ringing)

Ah ha, Mr. Granger.

Reliable as ever.

I've had the most unpleasant experience.

Mrs. Granger hit me over the
head with a bottle of bismol.

Didn't your wife under
cook your breakfast either?

Apparently, when I woke
her up, she was dreaming

in which she was on Aero Flynn's yacht.

(audience laughing)

Oh, well she's got a friend.

No, no, it was much more
complicated than that,

she was Areo Flynn.

(audience laughing)

I shall have to sort it
all out when I get home.

Now well, only Mr. Humphreys
and Mr. Lucas to come.

Yes, Mr. Humpreys maybe a little late,

he was going away for
the weekend I believe.

Oh well, I hope in all,
continue to make a special

effort to get here on time.

Because I'm sure that the
sales figure is resulting

from the early opening,
will fully justify my faith

in the new system.

(elevator door ringing)

(audience laughing)

You're not joining, I hope.

Of course I'm not joining
up, it was the only way

I could get to Newcastle to
Ponteland and four o'clock

in the morning. (audience laughing)

People are very kind to
the services you know.

(audience laughing)

You were lucky to get away with it.

You know you should have
the name of your ship

on your headband.

If the Naval Police had
spotted that, you'd have got

in to trouble.

And I've got in to
worse trouble if they'd

seen what was on before.
(audience laughing)

What was that?

Kiss my Quig. (audience laughing)

Didn't anyone thing that
the umbrella was peculiar?

Oh yes, but when they
questioned it, I said it was

to keep my hair dry in the
fair Iles. (audience laughing)

You know, I'm surprised you didn't wear

the whole uniform.

Oh well I used to.

But people kept wanting to
touch me collar for luck.

I bet you met a lot
of nice girls that way.

I did.

Not to mention a roving
reporter, a trendy bishop,

a string-vestite, and a
dustman with a very interesting

tale to tell. (audience laughing)

(doorbell ringing)

In our places everybody.

Oh come on it, full tier.

Mrs. Slocum, uncover your bust please.

(audience laughing)

I beg your pardon?

Your counter bust Mrs. Slocum,

we're open for business.

Oh yes, of course.

Captain Peacock, I don't
want to be a tell-tale,

but our Mr. Lucas is not in yet.

Isn't that correct Mr. Humphrey?

- Yes, that's correct Mr.
Granger. (audience laughing)

I'm quite aware of the situation,

but you did right to
bring it to our attention.

I just hope he has a good excuse.

(elevator door ringing)

(audience laughing)

Good morning Captain Peacock. (laughing)

You know, you're never
going to believe this,

(audience laughing) but my
poor old crippled mother,

overslept this morning and
she forgot to wake me up.

(audience laughing)

Then I missed the bus, so
she had to give me a lift

in her invalid carriage.
(audience laughing)

I kept telling her to put her foot down,

her good one, that is, (audience laughing)

And then the police
stopped her for speeding

and they gave her a breathalyzer.

But now unfortunately
she only had time to cook

my breakfast this morning
and all she had was

a quick liquor chocolate on the way out,

well now, it was still on
her breath when she blew

up the bag you see. (audience laughing)

And all the time, I've been
to Bowstreet and bailed

her out, well, I was very nearly late.

(audience laughing)

- You are late Mr. Lucas.
(audience laughing)

That's because I met young Mr. Gray's

on the ground floor.

"Ah, good morning Mr.
Lucas" he said, how clever

are you to get here on time.

Well by the time I told him
how I was very nearly late,

I was. (audience laughing)

But go on, you can ask him.

(shaver buzzing)

But at least you could've
shaved before you left home.

No, I been shaving all morning sir.

I mean it's the battery, you see,

they're getting a bit low.

Me mother uses em during
the week in her deaf aid.

(audience laughing)

How did it sound? (laughing)

Wonderful.

Makes Doctor Who's
adventures seem quite normal.

(audience laughing)

And it's much better
than the one about you

helping to delivery a
baby, for a titled lady

on a bicycle, that had
to remain anonymous.

(audience laughing)

Ah well, here we are
at 8:30 in the morning,

when's it all going to start then?

When's the rush going to happen?

Well, to quote Mr. Rumbled,
the creative platform

of this idea, is built upon,
is based on the premises,

that by opening earlier,
we shall catch customers

on the way to work.

Well if you ask me,
people on their way to work,

won't have time to buy anything.

(elevator door ringing)

Good morning sir, are you bring,

oh you are.

Sixth suit on the dummy in the window,

32 pounds, size 38.

Can I help you sir?

That's it!

(audience laughing)

Oh it's heck yes, that's the new line,

and very popular indeed
you know, it's in plier,

and goat wool, and

50% manmade fiber, and then you,

Mr. Granger,

Not when I'm selling
Mr. Humphreys, please.

It's sold Mr. Granger, he's gone.

But I never told him
moodle sleeves would ride up

with wear.

Glass of water for Mr. Granger.

(audience laughing)

Good morning sir.

Gloves.

- Size?
- This is seasonable weather.

Large.

This.

Color?

Black.

One large black.

Fits.

How much?

Five pounds.

I see that you're
interested in gloves sir.

(audience laughing)

The gentleman is interested
in gloves Mr. Lucas

- It's all over Mr.
Granger. (audience laughing)

Oh bloody.

Hello, menswear. (audience laughing)

No this is not Mr. Humphreys.
(audience laughing)

It's for you, it's a lady.

Well there's no need
to sound so surprised.

(audience laughing)

Hello.

Oh hello mother.

Yes of course I'm all right.

She came to stay with me last night

and found that I wasn't in bed.

Yes dear.

Well I put me pajamas on the bolster,

that you'd think it was me
in bed when you arrived.

(audience laughing)

Well how did you know it wasn't?

Well, I don't sleep with
Paddington bear anymore.

(audience laughing)

His wellingtons were so
cold. (audience laughing)

No, no, no, I've been
hitchhiking dressed as

a sailor. (audience laughing)

For a party.

Was it for a party
the last time as well?

(audience laughing)

Mother, now I am over 21.

Well over. (audience laughing)

Yes, of course I'm still
your little boy. (laughing)

No, I haven't changed a bit.

Well not much. (audience laughing)

Well I can't help it if I'm popular can I?

Oh, that reminds me,
if a man rings up with

a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner

and you've never heard of me.

(audience laughing)

Mhm.

No, I don't owe him any money.

I don't owe him anything.

(audience laughing)

What do you mean there's someone coming up

the garden path in a kilt?

(audience laughing)

Mummy, look, lock the door
and hide in the cupboard.

(audience laughing)

I'll phone you before I leave here.

Whatever you do, don't
open the door unless

it's a young policeman
carrying a rolled umbrella.

And if I can borrow a helmet
from the toy department,

that'll be me. (audience laughing)

Well take the phone into
the cupboard with you.

Bye. (laughing)

It's all go at your place isn't it?

And it's only Monday.

(audience laughing)

This early morning
opening seems to be working.

They've taken almost for quid over there,

and that's before they've
unlocked the till.

That won't happen
over here, Mrs. Brahns.

Shopping is an art.

And women, like to take their
time to assess the goods

and make a decision.

I mean men just see something they want

and grab hold of it. (audience laughing)

You noticed?

Yes I heard, it happened
to me in the pub last night.

(audience laughing)

It didn't did it?

Mhm.

There was this bloke and
this open neck shirt,

and a hairy chest with big muscles,

and the pub was jammed
pack and I was wearing,

Just a minute.

How old was this man? (audience laughing)

Oh he must've been 40 if he was a day.

- Oh quite young really.
(audience laughing)

Go on.

I was wearing my skin-tight jeans,

you know those the ones with
the false patch just there.

"Blimey" he says, "there's a stick going."

Grabs hold and won't let
go. (audience laughing)

Oh I just imagine.

Go on.

Well didn't wanna shout
and make a fuss of anything.

No, one doesn't does one.

So what did you do?

Well, I ordered a
large gin and tonic with

a lot of ice, put it on
his bill and poured it down

the front of his trousers.
(audience laughing)

That got his hand off.

Do some men take, terrible liberties.

Where exactly is this place?

(audience laughing)

Good morning madame,
not a very nice morning

is it, but still,

The guest at a wedding
at 10:30, need hat.

Oh do hurry please, I'm late.

A millinery occasion
Mr. Brahns, this way.

Ah this is the last one
of these, it was a very

exclusive line.

Oh that does suit madame.

Oh that does suit madame.

(audience laughing)

Oh that does suit madame.
(audience laughing)

Oh that does suit madame.

Oh that does suit madame.
(audience laughing)

Oh that does suit madame.

Mrs. Slocum, your needles
stuck in the groove.

(audience laughing)

I just can't make up my mind.

How much are these?

They're all five pounds.

I'll take the lot.

One, two, three, four, that's

20 pounds.

Right, thanks.

Well, did you ever
see anything like that?

What was that?

They're at 50, 90.

It was probably the 10:30 bride.

(audience laughing)

Yes, very satisfactory.

Are you referring to
the cream pudding sir?

No.

No, the remarkable jump
in the sales figures

this morning.

It's very gratifying,
when one plays a hunch

and it comes off.

Yes sir.

This whole thing that
made Churchill great.

The right decision,
taken at the right time.

Turning defeat into victory.

It's an ability I put to
very good use in the war,

you know, the army.

There must be times when
you miss the catering quarter.

(audience laughing)

I must say the staff
don't look too happy.

I think we're all just getting
over the early start sir.

Still they'll soon settle down.

Mm.

Hows your cream pudding?

Hasn't quite fulfilled it's promise.

(audience laughing)

I don't know, it promised to be awful

and it's disgusting.

It's disgusted it lacks definition.

It's more like distemper.

(audience laughing)

What is custard?

Well, real custard is
made with new laid eggs,

fresh creamy milk and
refined castor sugar.

This lot's made of
edible starch, coloring,

flavoring, a modest sodium glutamate.

(audience laughing)

How do you know?

Well, the library
was shut the other day,

so I read the packets in me panty.

(audience laughing)

Well, it's no good,
I just have to eat it,

it's been such a long
time since breakfast.

I hope we don't go on with
this early morning experiment.

Yeah, well the way I
see it, they're bound to.

How do you arrive at that hypothesis?

(audience laughing)

Beg your pardon?

I won't say that again.

(audience laughing)

My teeth are caught up with this custard.

(audience laughing)

I mean it stands to reason doesn't it.

I mean look at the sales we
made in the first half hour.

I mean we were a hundred
quid up this morning.

But we weren't far short.

Yeah, but I mean if we
go on like this, at the end

of the day, and we're up
that much, well I mean,

this early morning start
could be way of life.

Well if it does, I shall
have to change my milkman.

(audience laughing)

And did you get his
name? (audience laughing)

Well this morning, was
the first time I'd met

him face to face.

And it was a very nasty experience.

(audience laughing)

I think he'd been to see
one of those films you know,

confessions of a milkman.

If he hadn't had his hands
full of raspberry yogurt,

I wouldn't have been
here to tell the tale.

(audience laughing)

What did we take last Monday?

I don't know, what did we
take last Monday Mr. Granger?

Don't ask me,

my memories like a
Like a sieve.

Thank you Mr. Lucas. (audience laughing)

All we got to do, is find out
what we did take last Monday

and then keep below it.

But old Jackie has keeps
all the figures in his office.

Well someone will have to have a peep.

How?

Well, listen, someone will have to get

him out of his office.

And then while he's out,
one of us could nip in

and nip through his files.

It's just the sort of
thing that Bulldog Graham

would have done when he was
trying to outwit Oscar Peterson.

You mean, Carl Peterson.

Oscar Peterson plays the piano.

He didn't play the piano
when Bulldog Graham was there.

(audience laughing)

What are you doing?

I'm making a dice
out of this sugar cube.

Now listen, we'll throw it,
whoever gets the smallest

number, does the deed.

Oh isn't it exciting?

Mr. Granger, you go first.

What is this?

It's, I'll explain later.

Now just put the sugar
in the cup and shake it.

(audience laughing)

Mrs. Slocum, look everything's fixed.

Now look you phone up
Rumbled and get him out here

and leave the rest to me.

Out and Roger. (audience laughing)

Would you connect me
with Mr. Rumbled please.

(phone ringing)

Rumbled here.

You don't now me, I
supported you at the school

sclab last night. (audience laughing)

Oh yes, what is the
nature of your inquiry?

I was in the gallery and I couldn't take

my eyes off you. (audience laughing)

[Mr. Rumbles] To whom am I speaking?

Oh, you wouldn't have noticed little me.

I'm only 21 with long blond hair

and a 40 inch bust. (audience laughing)

But our eyes did meet briefly for a second

when you lept into the air
and hit that winning shock.

You have terribly exciting
knees. (audience laughing)

Hold on.

Have I got this right?

You're 40 with a 21 inch bust,
No it's the other

way around. (audience laughing)

What's the other way around?

Oh nevermind.

Now, the fact is that I made inquiries,

and I found out where
your place of work was

and I must speak to you because I've

got this thing about bald
headed men. (audience laughing)

But I'm happily married.

Well I've got this thing
about happily married

bald headed men.

Swell, you're note
alone in that you know.

(audience laughing)

I'm coming to see you in your office.

Good heavens, are you in the building?

Yes, I'm in the restroom.

More tea dear?

Hold on, hold on, you
can't come down here.

I'll see you in a minute my sweet,

meet me at the lift.

Wait, but how shall I know you?

Oh well, I'll just go over
my vital statistics again.

(audience laughing)

I'm 21, with blue eyes, long blonde hair,

a tiny waist, and a 40 inch
bust. (audience laughing)

Oh Mrs. Slocum.

Goodbye Ethel.

Mrs. Slocum,

We do not make personal
calls in the firm's time.

Neither do we contre vine
the traits descriptions

accurately. (audience laughing)

Here he comes.

Well go on then.

Alright.

(audience laughing)

Everything all right sir?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I was just counting the customers.

Well at the moment, we have one there,

and one over there.

Good, I'll make a note of that.

Carry on Captain Peacock.

(audience laughing)

Carry on, Captain Peacock.

- I am carrying on sir.
(audience laughing)

This is what I do.

What all day?

All day.

I'll make a note of that as well.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

Figures.

(audience laughing)

I heard the phone
ringing so I came in to

answer it in case it
was urgent. Mr. Rumbled.

Well why haven't you answered it?

Yes.

Well I suddenly thought to myself,

perhaps it's a private
call and Mr. Rumbled

won't want me to answer it I thought.

Yes.

Well answer it now, ask them if they're 21

with long blond hair and a 40 inch bust.

Are you 21, with long blond
hair and a 40 inch bust?

Um me, me.

I'm 80, with short white hair and

aren't any bust at all.

(audience laughing)

I've got it.

Well quick before Peacock
gets back from his break.

Now what was it?

Last Monday, 325.

What have we taken so far?

Well I'm up to 170 already.

And we have 150.

And it's already half passed two.

Well any suggestions?

Couldn't we close?

No, but you've given me an idea.

We could stop selling.

Stop selling, how could you stop selling

if people come in to buy?

- That's quite easy.
How?

Put them off.
- How?

Well that's easy, instead
of pushing things, you do

the opposite.

Come on. (audience laughing)

Good afternoon sir, may I help you?

No your assistant is
attending to my wife,

she's buying an evening dress.

An evening dress?

About what price range?

95 pounds. (audience laughing)

95,

excuse me.

(audience laughing)

Yes Mrs. Slocum.

How's the sale going?

Oh she looks lovely in it.

If you sell it, we're done.

Well she likes it.

I haven't seen it yet.

Do come out when you're ready madam.

Well Henry, what do you think?

What do you think?

You're paying for it.

You've got to wear it.

It rather looks quite enchanting.

It's a delightful garment.

I'm afraid madam's
husband isn't quite so sure.

And I mean, can't you agree with him?

(audience laughing)

Well I didn't say I didn't like it.

Oh no, no, no.

You must speak your mind.

I think madam carries it very well.

Oh thank you.

What do you think about the color sir?

Well now you mention
is, it is a bit bold.

I think madam can get
away with a bold color.

Well she'll certainly be noticed.

(audience laughing)

May I inquire what the function is?

Its the firm's dance.

Oh you'll be the belle of the ball.

And is sir, the managing director?

No I'm manager of accounts.

Well If I may say so,
one has to be careful

not to outshine one's
superior's wives at these do's.

On the other hand, a man
is often judged by his wife.

I mean it doesn't pay
to be too flamboyant when

you're handling the firm's
money. (audience laughing)

Mrs. Slocum, I'm not
suggesting that the gentleman

has been tipping in the till.

Well then how could he
afford a dress like that?

(audience laughing)

I've been very careful all my life!

Don't call payin 95 pounds for a dress

for one occasion careful.

But, if madam is happy,
then no price is too great.

He's not doing it
for her, he's pandering

to his own ego.

Showing off in front of the boys.

It was your idea Henry.

I'd sooner have had a washing machine.

(audience laughing)

There you are you see,
why aren't you getting one?

Cause he can't show it off a a dance.

If you want a washing machine,

I'll buy you a washing machine.

I do want a washing machine.

Well, well take off that
stupid dress for a start.

You look like a great big stuffed turkey.

(audience laughing)

Oh, what a horrible thing to say!

Oh we're getting the truth now are we?

You never loved me anyway!
(audience laughing)

Madam of course he did.

No, he didn't

One word out of place and
she turns the waterworks on.

And you can go to the dance alone!

Oh I shall go to the
dance, but I shan't go alone.

Ah!

Oh the truth's coming out now isn't it!

It's the girl on the
Comptometer, it all adds up.

Madam don't jump to conclusions.

Ah but she doesn't need a 95 pound dress

to show herself off.

I don't need a 95 pound dress either!

Ahh, I hate it!

I hate it!

I'm gonna have to charge
you for that you know.

You've just ruined a perfectly good dress.

You've just ruined a
perfectly good marriage.

Just like crossroads isn't it?

(audience laughing)

Oh Mr. Grace, this
is indeed an honor sir.

Well, mean I've been waiting for you.

Oh, I've been checking the takings sir.

The new scheme was going very
well until this afternoon,

then for some inexplicable
reason, they dropped off.

What dropped off? (audience laughing)

The takings.

We're still 20 pounds short
on our last Monday's total.

Yes well I can't go back on my word.

If the figures don't
improve, the scheme's off.

Well we still got a
little time to go sir.

Yes, well, at the end of
the day, I come back here

to my office, and put the
figures here, on my desk.

Excuse me sir, this is not your office.

This is my office.

This is my desk. (audience laughing)

Oh, well.

That's our wife then. (audience laughing)

[Mr. Rumbled] Yes sir.

Thank God for that. (audience laughing)

Five minutes to go.

I don't think I can live
through another day like this.

I've lost eight pounds in commission.

I thought it was a
bit cheeky mind you told

that Arab that you thought
they were Jewish umbrellas.

(audience laughing)

(elevator door ringing)

Mr. Granger, Mr. Humphreys.

Customer.

Oh blimey, if he
wants anything more than

the shirt stud, shoot him.

Leave it to me.

Can I help you sir?

Thank you, I'd like a raincoat.

Oh, we don't sell many
of those these days.

What do you want it for?

- To keep out the rain.
(audience laughing)

Well we haven't got any
that'll keep out the rain.

We've got one or two that
might strain it for you.

(audience laughing)

If you really want to
keep out the rain you want

to go to the yachting
department and get yourself

an oil skin.

I do use an umbrella.

And I'd like the raincoat
I saw in the window

for 28 pounds.

Ah, that range has been marked up to 40.

Oh, oh I see.

Sorry I can't oblige.

That's alright, good day.

Well done Mr. Humphrey.

Look out.

Excuse me.

Why can't I have that
one in the window that's

marked 28?

What size are you sir?

40.

Ah well that's a 34 you see,
that's why it's going cheap.

Ah I see. (audience laughing)

Well done Mr. Lucas.

I don't believe it. (audience laughing)

Well I suppose as they've all gone up,

that's all there is to it,
I'll take one for 40 pounds.

Raincoat Mr. Lucas.

Oh it's alright, just
wrap it up, I'll take it.

No, sir you must try it on.

It's more than my jobs
worth to let you leave

the department without trying it on.

Here we are.

It's alright.

There.

Well then. (audience laughing)

Oh, just look at that terrible stitching.

How could they let it out
of the work room like that?

Hmm, you may well ask Mr. Lucas.

Well I have to ask Mr. Humphreys.

I mean we have a sacred
trust toward our customers.

Look at that.

Uneven sleeves. (audience laughing)

Well, I always have this
trouble, me arms are uneven.

I'm used to it, you know.

Oh yeah.

Well let's consider the color them.

Now you can't wear that
color with that color hair.

(Laughing) well of course the gentleman

could change the color of his hair.

I agree with you, but
my wife insists I wear

clothes this color.

Well the gentleman
could change his wife.

Yeah I tried to, but she didn't like it.

(audience laughing)

No it'll do fine.

Go on wrap it up.

Despite the fact that
it's the wrong color?

And it isn't waterproof?

Yes, just wrap it up.

And I must say, I'm really most impressed

with your honesty.

One would think you didn't
want to sell me an overcoat.

(audience laughing)

And that's because
you've got a fat face,

piggy eyes,

and a pimple on your
nose. (audience laughing)

You young salesmen just don't know how

not to sell clothes. (audience laughing)

Mr. Granger, are you free?

Yes I'm free.

A customer just complained to me

that you said he had
a fat face, piggy eyes

and a pimple on his nose.

Captain Peacock.

Am I the sort of man who
would tell a customer

that he had a fat face, piggy
eyes and a pimple on his nose?

No, of course not Ernest.

I'm sorry.

Thank you. (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)