Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 3, Episode 9 - Christmas Crackers - full transcript

♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

♫ Just like the ones we used to know

Blimey, Captain, you're in
here early, couldn't sleep eh?

I bet you was wondering
whether Father Christmas

got your note up the chimney, eh?

Dear Santa, please fill my stocking up

with something I can play with.



But don't make it a,

but as long as it is not the wife's leg.

Mr. Mash, I am earlier than
normal because Mr. Rumbold

has called a very important meeting

about a Christmas sales drive.

So would you mind setting
up the table and chairs

in the center of the floor
and getting some coffee?

Yes I would mind, it ain't my job.

That militant attitude is not part

of the Christmas spirit.

And what is more, I
should be reporting you

to the head of your union!

Oy, I am the head of my union.

And I'm not going to alter
my intransigent attitude



under any circumstances,
or for bribes under 50p.

You like cream in yours,
don't you Captain?

Let the blood come back to
your head before you move.

I'll be all right, I'll be all right.

Is Mr. Lucas unwell?

He's got a terrible
hangover, Captain Peacock,

due to a pre Christmas
celebration with a young lady.

It was the sudden change in altitude

coming in the lift that
brought it on again.

He went as white as a sheet,

so I had to put my arm 'round him.

Now that was the reason
I went as white as a sheet.

Lucas you knew we had
an important conference

this morning, you should've
gone to bed early.

Oh I did Captain Peacock,
I went to bed early,

then I woke up at five
o'clock and thought, hello,

I've got an important
conference this morning.

So I got up and went straight home.

Well at least you're here
in body, if not in spirit.

There's plenty of spirit left.

Good morning Ms. Brahms,

I'm sorry it's such an early call.

You're lucky to have me at all.

I don't know, looking
like that, I'm not too sure.

What have you got under
there, spare cheese rolls?

I didn't have any
time for any breakfast.

I have ordered coffee.

Not ordered Captain, requested,

there is a subtle difference you know?

Incidentally, is Mr.
Grainger and Mrs. Slocombe,

are they coming to this
top level chat of yours?

Of course Mr. Mash, now hurry along.

I don't think Mrs. Slocombe will be.

And why not?

Well she ran me this
morning, a terrible state.

Her bus route's on strike,
she can't find her umbrella.

What does not finding her umbrella

got to do with her not getting here?

Well she's got to walk a mile
to the station, hasn't she?

And in the rain she's afraid
in case her rinse runs.

Guess I better cancel her coffee.

No, no, no, Mrs. Slocombe
is a resourceful woman.

If anyone can think of a way
of getting here, she will.

Always suspected it.

What a journey, do you
know, it was dark when I left.

I'm not surprised.

Blimey, you must've
frightened a few people,

riding your broomstick,
silhouetted against the moon.

What are you talking about?

I got a lift in a friend's
car so I took the opportunity

of bringing this up, it's
a present for Christmas

for a gardening friend of mine.

Only, I propped it up against the augur,

and the bristles bent with the hay.

They're not real twigs at all,

it's just cheap Japanese makuawa-tzu-ken.

It's disgusting what rubbish some firms

are selling these days.

You should've reported him
to the consumer counsel

or whatever they call it.

Where did you get it?

Here in hardware.

And I hope we're not
going to be late tonight,

because I've left Winston
clinging to the curtain ring.

He refuses to come down,

the mere sight of my pussy drives him mad.

Is Winston a lodger?

No, no, no, no, he's my canary.

He got out when I was
changing his sandpaper.

Well I think we'd all better sit down,

Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, Ms.
Brahms, let's sit down please.

What about Mr. Grainger?

Nevermind old Grainger,
where's Mr. Rumbold?

Oh I don't think he's arrived yet.

Oh, typical of old jack ears,

gets us here at the crack of dawn,

doesn't bother to turn up himself.

Well there was quite a gale blowing

when I left this morning.

Perhaps every time he turned
to say goodbye to his wife

the wind caught him behind his
ears and blew him in again.

Let's go phone his office
in case he's already in.

I was worried about getting
here on time today though,

and I couldn't put in an alarm call

because I've been TOS for a week.

What's that?

TOS, T-O-S, temporarily out of service.

Couldn't you have it fixed?

Yes, soon as I pay the bill.

Crown everything, my
strikers on me alarm clock's

gone on strike, all it does is buzz.

So there I was with it
clutched in me hand, by me ear,

and I couldn't get to sleep
for the ticking, anyway--

Here we are then,
refreshments for the troops,

courtesy of Captain Peacock.

On the contrary, they're 10 pence each.

I thought it was too good to be true.

Ladies.

Now where was I in my story?

You were lying in bed
with a chicken in your ear.

Me alarm clock doesn't
work, well I was--

It's probably your pinger, you know?

Well what happened?

Well there I was, you see, lying there,

worried about going to
sleep, and I dozed off,

and I dreamt I was winding
it up, woke up wet through.

Perspiration?

No, I hadn't screwed the
top of me hot water bottle.

Can I have your attention please?

As Mr. Rumbold is obviously
unavoidably detained,

I think I should take over.

Now, quite simply, what we're looking for

is ideas to push Christmas
sales on this floor.

Now, has anybody come up with anything?

No, I haven't come up with anything,

mind you it was touch and go

when I saw Ms. Brahm's cheese roll.

Mrs. Slocombe, as head
of the ladies section,

you must have some ideas?

Well I've been thinking about this,

and I think we should
have lots of trimmings.

Something to make people
sit up and take notice.

Give us the real Christmas spirit.

You know, snow round the display stands,

mistletoe in the fur muffs,

a sprig of holly in the underwear.

If that doesn't make people sit up

and take notice, nothing will.

I've got an idea, why
don't we give away kisses

to the gentlemen customers?

He was talking about the
ladies department, not ours.

I meant theirs.

I'm not quite with you, Mr. Humphries.

Well ehen a gentlemen
comes in to buy something

for his wife, Ms. Brahms
could give away a free kiss

with every purchase over 10 pounds.

Mr. Humphries, are you suggesting

that I also should do that?

No we'd make a reduction in your case,

anything under 10 pound.

Mr. Lucas, will you
keep your mouth shut?

I will if you will.

I do hope I'm not too late,

I'm afraid Mrs. Grainger failed
to rouse me this morning.

Oh that's understandable Mr. Grainger.

Go on, sit down Mr. Grainger,
and I'll just give a recap

on the ideas so far.

I shouldn't bother.

What we're looking for
is something to attract

people of all ages, what
we must bear in mind

is that when people come
shopping in a store like ours,

they bring their children.

Now if we could perhaps think of something

to occupy them while their
parents browse around?

What a good idea!

I dislike children intensely.

Nasty, noisy things.

Children should be seen and not heard.

And preferably not seen.

I trust you will not
give vent to those feelings

in front of our customers?

Of course I shall not.

When they come into the
store with their offspring,

I shall give them my usual
warm welcoming smile.

Blimey, that'll send 'em out screaming!

Let me put a point to you.

Now, Mrs. Slocombe, let us
say that you are a customer,

you have a child with you,
and you're on your way up

in a lift, now the door's
happen to open on this floor.

Now what sight would
attract your attention

and make you stop here?

Her husband buying his
girlfriend a present.

Mr. Lucas, if you
interrupt just once more--

Yeah I know, you'll send me home.

I wish you had stayed there.

I know what'll attract the
mother and child to this floor,

why don't we have someone
dressed up as Father Christmas,

beckoning to the little boy?

And who are you
suggesting, Mr. Humphries?

Well someone not too young,
which rules out Mr. Lucas

and myself, and someone not too old--

Which rules out Mr. Grainger.

And someone with a kindly face.

Which rules out Captain Peacock.

So it's between Mrs. Slocombe

and Ms. Brahms, really, isn't it?

Well we could easily
hire a Father Christmas.

No Mrs. Slocombe, I
think a Father Christmas

is rather old hat these days.

Well it wasn't my idea.

What about having a reindeer?

And a little sledge on
wheels to take the customers

up to the counter?

And where are we gonna
get a reindeer from?

Well I wasn't meaning a real one, was I?

I mean, you know, one of those
skins like a pantomime horse.

Oh yes, and who's gonna get into that?

Well you could get in the front,

and I could get in the back.

Not likely, I'd get hydrophobia.

You mean claustrophobia dear,

hydrophobia's when you
get bitten by a mad dog.

With him in there,
she'd probably get both.

Could we try to be a
little more practical please?

Well why don't we have a glee club?

You know, every time the lift doors open,

we all burst into a carol
like Good King Wenceslas.

I am not going to sing
Good King Wenceslas.

Now we'd make an exception
in your case, Mr. Grainger.

You could sing All I Want for Christmas

is Me Two Front Teeth.

We can't burst into song
every time the lift opens.

Oh, what a pity, I was looking forward

to being a countertenor.

Morning everybody!

Good morning Mr. Rumbold.

Yes I'm sorry I'm late.

I see you've already started.

Yes, we did have a few ideas,

but nothing concrete has emerged,

except the usual festive decorations.

Well you'll be pleased
to hear that the matter

has been resolved by young Mr. Grace,

who telephoned me this morning
just as I was leaving home

which is why I was late.

A likely story.

It seems that he has purchased

a number of novelty costumes,
and that it would be

an amusing gimmick if our members of staff

were to wear them over
the Christmas period.

What sort of costumes?

Well I understand
that they're characters

from nursery rhymes and fairy tales.

Oh, I like it, I like it.

Well I don't, I mean we're
not a children's department.

Yes that's true, but
we're all children at heart,

and it helps to take the hard, brittle,

commercial edge off Christmas.

Besides I can assure
you that no other store

in London is doing it.

I can believe that.

I am certainly not a child at heart.

Well you could dress up as Scrooge.

Now, each department is going to have

a sort of grotto effect over the counters.

Yours will be built during the lunch hour.

I trust I am not being
included in this charade?

Of course you are, even
I have been requested

to enter into the spirit of
things and let my hair down.

Oh well you're lucky,
you can come as you are.

Thank you so much, good morning!

What time is it?

Oh, 12:35.

Ooh I'm starving, you
should listen to my stomach.

I have been.

It was ridiculous bringing us
in at that time this morning.

Still, there's one consolation.

Our department has its
Christmas lunch today.

But it's ages to Christmas.

Ah, well, you see, last year,

they found they couldn't cope
with all the store at once.

So this year, they've
decided to stagger us.

Yeah, they got the idea when they saw

you staggering last year.

Don't be cheeky, Mr. Mash.

What's that?

Now this, this here, is
the new pointer display model

for these everlasting tights.

It's got a little motor in the base,

and it plays a lovely drop of belli music,

now listen to this.

Well hey!

It does that every few minutes.

I think it's awful,
where did you get it from?

Well it started out
in the sports department

with a soccer boot on the end.

It did, but after it kicked
a couple of footballs

through the window of
course, it was relegated.

Well it's going to be relegated again.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

No Mrs. Slocombe.

Now if you're free, Captain Peacock,

I wish to complain about
the tights display model.

It's too late to complain,

I've already approved it with Mr. Rumbold.

Well it's not staying in my department,

even if I have to move it meself.

Kindly leave it where
it is, Mrs. Slocombe.

And that is an order.

Get behind your counter.

Excuse me Captain Peacock,

would you mind initialing this bill?

Certainly.

What a lovely tune that
is, Mr. Grainger and I

were arguing as to what
belli it came from.

Yes it's very familiar,
I think it's Tchaikovsky.

You're right Mr. Grainger,
it's The Nutcracker Suite.

Oh, isn't it festive?

Look we've all got pads,
now come on everybody.

- Oh no, no, no, no Mr.
Lucas, you mustn't sit there,

Captain Peacock is joining us today,

and I think that he should
sit at the head of the table.

Oh that will be an honor.

Blimey, you know, they
get bigger every year.

Don't be so personal!

I was referring to the crackers.

I wonder what I've got in mine.

Well you mustn't pull
it till after the pud.

I can't get over not having to queue up.

Yes, it's nice to be
waited on once a year.

May I wish you a rather
premature happy Christmas.

And offer this wine as my
contribution to the gala--

Oh that's very kind of
you Stephen, I must say.

Has anybody got a corkscrew?

That won't be necessary,
you just unscrew it.

Don't forget your hat.

Very well, if I must.

White wine's my favorite.

Finn Blanc Coop, whereabouts is Coop?

That's co-op!

Can I get tickets please?

Oh, there we are.

What tickets?

Well
for the Christmas lunch,

didn't you see the notice on the board?

No.

Well you better buy one now.

He can't, all entrance
is closed for this table,

from the counterfuls, I've only
got five portions allotted.

Well what am I going to have then?

Hot pot, shepherd's pie, or halibut?

I'll have halibut with olly in it.

Go and serve yourself.

Oh sure, that's marvelous,
that is, isn't it?

I don't seem to have any turkey.

Unless it's under me sprout.

I think the bird is just coming.

Well now, this is always
an exciting moment.

Oh I hope mine's gonna
be bigger than that.

I rather suspect this is for all of us.

That's never turkey, it's
more like an emaciated budgie.

Well has anybody any preference?

Yes, halibut.

I like a little white meat
and not too much stuffing,

it gives me indigestion.

I've got indigestion just looking at it.

I'll serve the ladies
first, Mrs. Slocombe?

I'll have a wing and a slice of breast.

Seems to be putting up quite a fight.

Think it's the knife that's blunt.

Ah, now there we are.

Yes, do you require
stuffing Mrs. Slocombe?

He's going with a swing then!

Just a spoonful.

Mr. Humphries, would you
like to dispense the wine?

Oh yeah, Mr. Grainger?

Not too much, I tend to doze off

if I have it at lunchtime.

Yeah, same here Mr. Grainger.

Quite lively isn't it?

I've given you a bit of everything,

I hope that's all right.
- Thank you.

White meat for Mr. Grainger?

Thank you.

Oh, there's bristles on my leg.

You ought to write to Evening Home.

This one, look, it's
not been plucked properly.

Oh it's popping right off.

Ooh, isn't that leather?

You should've had the
halibut, it's quite nice really.

I can't get my fork into mine.

Leg or parts of its nose Mr. Humphries?

Neither, thank you, I'm just
going to toy with my sprouts.

Now don't forget yourself.

I think I'll call it a day.

Hope you've left enough
room for the pudding.

Ah, now that's what I
was looking forward to.

Oh miss, what about the
brandy to pour over it?

The other waitress is
bringing you a bottle.

Oh, that sounds more like it.

I must say, a flaming pudding

just adds the final touch to Christmas.

Yes, and let's hope it's
better than the flaming turkey.

Compliments of Grace Brothers.

Oh look, no expense spared!

It's last weekend all over again.

Well I suppose it's a gesture.

Shall I do the honors?

Oh yes, and do it
real, I'm still famished.

Very curious.

Oh, what's wrong with that brandy?

Perhaps it's got soaked up by a currant.

Happy Christmas all!

You trying to warm the pudding, Captain?

I'm trying to light the brandy.

Ah, well what you want is a
drop of this, mate, isn't it?

What's that, Mr.--

Here you are, it's
pure wood alcohol, that.

Where did you get it from?

Oh, maintenance, we use
it for stripping varnish.

Going to make our pudding taste funny?

No, no, no, that's 97% proof that is.

It's completely tasteless,
and it won't leave a trace.

He's right, it hasn't left a trace!

Sorry, sorry Captain.

Doesn't usually do that.

Still I'll remember next year,
next Christmas, to use less.

So this has been a lovely lunch.

You think we could stand the excitement

of pulling our crackers?

Oh yes, let's try and
get some fun out of it.

Well Captain Peacock,
as heads of department,

I think we should pull together.

Oh dear, that's--

There's nothing for me!

Ah, well,
you didn't buy a ticket,

did you?

Well I mean I feel such a fool,

sitting here, looking normal.

Look at Mrs. Slocombes' teeth.

Do I look a fright?

I think it's an improvement, actually.

You know I should've had these

when I was tackling that turkey.

Oh I like your lips Mr. Humphries.

♫ Climb upon my knees, sonny boy

Oh doesn't
Mr. Grainger look funny?

He
reminds me of somebody.

I know exactly who.

Mr. Rumbold!

Exactly!

Even better, the bald head.

On the contrary Captain Peacock,

I do not think Mr. Grainger resembles me

in any way whatsoever.

No of course not, Mr. Rumbold.

You must excuse us.

I am afraid that the whole
occasion just overcame us.

Can we have a little more
decorum, please, please?

Yes well, I've come to inform you

that maintenance have finished their work

on your department.

- Oh, good.
- Oh here's young Mr. Grace.

Afternoon everybody, don't get up.

Afternoon Mr. Grace.

Enjoy your lunch?

Well up to the usual
standard, Mr. Grace.

One has to push the
belt out occasionally.

Pity it was the Mary Celeste.

When you're finished,
I want you all to go up

to the board room and choose
your novelty costumes.

I feel sure they'll
prove a great attraction

and really pull the public in.

No doubt of it at all, Mr. Grace.

Well, carry on everybody,

I'll see you later Mr. Rumbold.

How's it going Mr. Mash?

Mr. Mash!

The men are almost finished sir,

if you could just give us a moment.

Well do hurry up,
they're on their way down.

Certainly sir.

Rumpelstiltskin says
get a flaming move on!

If I may say so sir, it's
very hot inside this snowman.

Never mind, the effect is excellent.

Avast there me hearties!

He just goosed me in the lift!

That wasn't a goose, it was
the parrot, behave yourself!

Bravo,
both of you, splendid.

Honestly, I feel like
Gary Glitter in this lot.

You'll be lucky.

Well obviously I look a right nun.

I'm sure none of us
is actually overjoyed

by this charade, Ms. Brahms.

I'm willing of going to work on an egg,

but this is ridiculous.

Well I hope nobody
expects me to sit on a case.

Do I have to have this
funny quiver round the back?

You've always had a funny
quiver round the back.

Belt up, or I'll break your other leg.

I see you're not bothering

to dress up then, Mr. Humphries.

On my way from the enchanted board room,

I found this slipper on the stairs.

I wonder whose dainty foot it'll fit.

Hey, that's mine, it
belongs to me other foot.

You sang into the harp tonight, here.

I really must congratulate you all

on the way you've entered
into the spirit of things.

Well I haven't and I
still think it's stupid.

All right, ready when you are!

God blimey!

I bet Walt Disney's turning in his grave.

I object to looking like a boiled egg.

Shall I unveil the magic enchanted land

what we've knocked up?

Yes, please do.

I'll bet it's a cheap load of rubbish.

All right lads, go on then!

What do you think of this?

There we go.

Oh it's lovely!

It's pretty, it's a gingerbread house!

And now, for the gents!

Have they
decorated that as well?

All right lads!

Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Yes, it takes me back to the
days when I was a little boy

and I was taken to my first pantomime.

Speaking as a snowman,
I'm beginning to feel

more at home now.

Holly, mistletoe, big
fir trees, and once again

the splendid reason,

♫ To celebrate the festive season

♫ Christmas time is here

♫ I've knocked up a land enchanted

♫ Christmas trees, freshly planted

♫ And the reason for my smile

♫ The overtime made it worth while

♫ I, although a senior member

♫ Get lightheaded in November

♫ That's why he's dressed up as an egg

♫ And I've lost half my inside leg

♫ Speaking of behalf of blouses

♫ It's rather drafty round the houses

♫ That must be why I saw you shiver

♫ You should've worn a bigger quiver

♫ Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees

♫ And once again the splendid reason

♫ To celebrate the festive season

♫ Christmas time is here

♫ Even we so far above you

♫ At Christmas time just want to love you

♫ I, after all, must be a sport

♫ I trust I shan't be taken short

No glass of water for Mr. Grainger.

♫ Humphries looks so charming

♫ It's his smile that's so disarming

♫ How kind, and if I were a prince

♫ I'd still like Christmas pud and mince

♫ Holly, mistletoe, big fir trees

♫ And once again a splendid reason

♫ To celebrate the festive season

♫ Christmas time is here

Young Mr. Grace!

And there's the bell!

Sit down sir,
you've done very well!

♫ We're so happy with our grotto

Here's a bottle, let's get blotto!