Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 3, Episode 8 - New Look - full transcript

Ground floor perfumery,

stationary, and leather goods.

Wigs and habitatery,
kitchen ware and food.

First floor telegrams,
gents ready made suits.

Shirts, socks, eyes,
hats, underwear and shoes.

Going up.

- Oh blimey, it's coming
down in buckets out there.

Good lord.

What's that?

- It's me shower cap, I
couldn't find me umbrella.

- You didn't walk through
the streets in that, did you?



- Of course not, I came on the bus.

I didn't want to get me
hair wet, you see I set in

curlers last night ready
for the wedding tomorrow.

- Roger asked me last week.

Shouldn't you try living
together to be sure?

- I'm the best man.

- Oh.

No more Walter.

- Yeah and it works and all.

Hey hey look at that.

♫ By a babbling brook

♫ It's off her clothes she took

♫ That's where I fell in love with you

- Don't tell me, it's a model



of a French gents portable loo.

- No it's not.

Get your foot off of my pipe.

It's pouring with rain
outside, the customers come in

and it's still pouring with rain.

Who's stupid idea was that?

- Good morning.

What do you think of my idea

of having a fountain in the department?

- Oh brilliant sir yes.

I was just saying sir to
Mr. Humphries, wasn't I?

- Yes he just said what
a brilliant idea it is

to have a fountain in here.

Make the people feel at home
when they come in out the rain.

- I hope you're going to
hide this hose pipe Mr. Mash.

- Oh yes, certainly Mr. Rumbold.

And for that very purpose sir,

I've got out the Grace
Brothers red carpet.

You know, the one we keep
in case Her Majesty drops in

to buy Phillip a new pair of Y fronts.

Here we go.

- Ah yes, much better.

- Oh isn't it soft under foot.

Must be lovely being a queen.

- Don't,

don't keep doing that Mr.
Humphries, it makes me wanna go.

- Oh look, the white hunter.

Good
morning Captain Peacock.

I must say, it's not like you to be late.

- It's not easy getting
a taxi in the rain.

- Nah, especially when
you come on the tube.

- I obviously did not come on the tube,

there was a breakdown.

I had to get a cab.

- Ah yes.

Well it's alright Captain
Peacock, I accept your excuse.

- Don't be insolent Mr. Lucas,

I don't have to explain
to anybody why I'm late.

- The train broke down and he
couldn't get himself a taxi.

- I didn't ask you Mr. Lucas,
I'm sure Captain Peacock

has a far more original excuse than that.

- My alarm clock failed to go off sir.

- No he hasn't.

- Well nevermind.

I just came in to remind you that

tonight is suggestion box night.

We're having a meeting,
so if any of you have any

suggestions, bring them
along and they'll be welcome.

- Well I've got one.

Why can't we hold this
meeting in the firms time

instead of our own?

- That suggestion will
not be welcome, Mr. Lucas.

- Oh what a morning.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I
couldn't get on the tube

and I couldn't get a taxi.

- Oh you'll have to do better than that.

- Sounds a very valid excuse to me.

- In that case it's mine and all.

- It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know.

My pussy got soaking wet.

I had to dry it out in front
of the fire before I left.

Oh heck, haven't we got enough water?

- It's from gardening,
they're trying to shift them.

- Oh I can't stand the
sight of running water.

It always makes me want to go.

- Well there's one here
floating on its back.

- Oh no, it's righted itself

and it's gone to hide
under that plastic rock.

- Poor things.

Oh it's no good.

It's that fountain, I can't hold on.

No time to tell you now.

- It works.

- It certainly does,
I've got to go as well.

Excuse me Captain Peacock,
could I be excused.

- We can't have too many
people off the floor at once,

you'll have to wait.

- But Mrs. Slocombe's in
the ladies department.

- I was referring to Mr.
Grainger who's not here yet.

- Do you mean to say I've got to wait

until Mr. Grainger arrives?

- That is correct.

- Well what happens if he
doesn't come in at all?

- You're gonna have to use the fountain.

- It's just a matter of self control.

Are you being served?

You see I had this trouble for.

Years I think.

Thank you very much.

Humphries.

- I don't think I can hold on much longer.

- I may be able to help you.

- Close your eyes.

- Trust me.

Just stick your fingers in your ears.

It's alright he's gone
now, you can open them.

- I just put a bit of pressure on him.

- Well there I was stranded
in this pub and it was pouring

with rain, so this man
offered me a lift in his car.

- Well beggars can't be choosers.

And it's 15 P on the bus, you know.

So I said alright.

- Well he'd sent a couple of
port and lemons down the bar

and smiled a lot, you know.

So I felt I did.

- Well he helped me off the stool

and when we got outside he
held his coat over me head.

- To keep me hair dry.

Anyway, to cut a long story short,

when we stopped we weren't
outside my house at all.

- Outside his place, miles away.

- No.

- Yes.

Anyway he said, would I like
to go in for a night cap?

Well it seemed harmless enough.

It wasn't 'til he actually produced one

with a nightie to match that
I realized what he was after.

- I hope you asked him to
take you straight home.

Yes.

Eventually.

- Thank you very much sir.

Don't worry about the sleeves,

you'll find they'll ride up with wear.

What I can't understand is how he came

to pick you as the best man?

- Oh well I've known him for years.

We both tried to join the
Royal Marines together.

We were both turned down
for the same reason.

Flat feet.

- Well I'm not gonna
get married for a bit,

I'm gonna play the field.

- My mother said that to me,
so I joined a rugby club.

I think these two are getting married

for quite the wrong reasons, you know.

I mean it's so easy to get
carried away with beautiful blue

eyes, perfect teeth, Bridget
Bardot mouth, long blonde hair.

- Oh she sounds quite a dish.

- That's Roger.

Good morning Mr. Grainger.

- Who's ridiculous idea
is that monstrosity?

- Captain Peacock.

- Oh I might have guessed.

Damn stupid if you ask me.

- We didn't ask you Mr. Grainger.

Good morning.

Or should it be afternoon?

- I'm sorry I'm late.

- I hope you have a very good excuse,

which I'm waiting to hear.

- My alarm failed to go off.

- You have a very good
excuse Mr. Grainger.

Let me take your coat.

- Thank you sir.

- Yes well I, I think we'll
have this thing off for awhile.

What's that Mr. Mash?

- Oh it's a display unit
for Mr. Grainger, sir.

- Should've been in
position before we started.

- Well I was busy with
that fountain, wasn't I?

I mean that was your lousy
idea in the first place.

- It is not a lousy idea.

- Well, perhaps the fountain
part isn't quite right.

- Well take that away
and what've you got eh?

A tub full of water, stuck
in the middle of the floor.

I hardly call that a brilliant idea.

- Mr. Mash remember your position here.

- Oh of course Captain Peacock.

I'm sorry sir.

Shall I get down on my hands and knees

and crawl over to Mr. Grainger, shall I?

- No, no, just get on with
what you are here to do.

- Captain Peacock, would you
stop chatting with Mr. Mash?

I'm waiting for my display unit.

- Coming Mr. Grainger, coming sir.

Right away sir.

I'm sorry I can't stop
chatting to you Stephen,

I've got work to do.

One display unit Mr. Grainger.

Grace Brothers proudly
presents, the camishirt.

- I've been waiting for this.

- Well it's a camishirt to prevent

excess rise of shit tails.

- Absolutely invaluable
if you're show jumping.

- And guaranteed to stop this happening.

- I think this should boost our sales,

don't you Mr. Humphries?

- Well either that or it'll
knock the bottom out of it.

- It's certainly going
to attract attention.

- I thought we'd cured
it of that Mr. Grainger.

I'll get it fixed sir.

- I think you'd better.

- Thank you Mr. Humphries, thank you sir.

- Mr. Mash.

Mrs. Slocombe?

- Mr. Mash, Captain Peacock
has repeatedly told you

that you are not to be on
the floor after opening.

And now I am adding my voice to his.

Well I've only got one thing
to say to you Mrs. Slocombe.

- I don't want to hear another word.

- Alright then.

- I think it's disgusting keeping us

sitting waiting here on our own time.

- Mr. Rumbold will be here
in a moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

And after all may I remind you

that this meeting is
for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out
of it that increase sales

mean increased commission.

- I'm sorry I'm late, I was
trying to find the aspirins.

Then I couldn't find the suggestion box.

- It's here on the table sir.

- I did sir.

- That was a stupid thing to do.

- At Captain Peacock's request.

- I thought it might save time sir.

- Well it hasn't, has it.

- Oh for goodness sake,
let's get on with it.

- Yes well now, may I remind you

that this meeting is
for our mutual benefit.

Any ideas that spring out of it.

- I have been through all that sir.

- Oh, well perhaps you'd
like to open the box.

- Or will you take the money.

- I would hardly ask for it if it were.

- I just asked that.

- Well how do we know there
are any suggestions in it.

- Well there's something in here.

- It's probably the key.

- Oh good, he's dropped
off to sleep again.

- Wake him up.

- There's no point in waking him up

'til we've opened the box.

- A box without the key.

- I'll tell you what, we
could take the box down to

the x-ray machine the got in
the shoe fitting department

and then we'd be able to
see what's inside the box.

- I've a much better idea.

- Come in, the door's open.

- We're just looking for the key.

- It's under the mat.

- Go back to sleep.

- Oh give that to me,
give it here, come on.

- Oh well done Miss Brahms.

- Blimey, I wouldn't
like to have ridden off

to the Crusades leaving you behind.

You'd have been out of your chastity belt

before I got to Dover.

- Don't worry, I'd have been back

into it as soon as you got home.

- Captain Peacock, perhaps you'd
like to see what we've got.

- Certainly sir.

It appears to be a piece of pork pie.

- Oh I wondered what had happened to that.

- This one is unsigned and
suggests that you do something

physically impossible
with the suggestion box.

Increased sales would be
obtained if the whole floor

was devoted to menswear,
signed E. Grainger.

- I don't think I need comment.

- This one is from Mrs. Slocombe.

Dear sirs, sales in the ladies
section could and would be

improved by the removal of the
men's trousers and underwear.

- I totally disagree and
protest most strongly.

- I think we must all
accept that both the ladies

and the gents department are here to stay.

And that it's our job to
boost sales in both sections.

Is there anything else?

- Yes and this one appears to be in verse.

If you're wanting to sell ladies
knickers, here's a gimmick

that's brimming with fun, get
Miss Brahms to wear the very

brief pair and we all have
a look at her, one by one.

It's unsigned but in
Mr. Lucas's handwriting.

- It's a forgery.

- Some people's minds.

And a drawing of a Toby
jug with your name on it.

- Hey that's very good, that's
a very good likeness that.

One of your best Mr. Grainger.

Now have we any suggestions as
to how to improve the image?

- We could try making
the ears a bit bigger.

- The image of Grace Brothers.

- Lucas this is a serious discussion.

- You could've fooled me, we
haven't discussed anything yet.

- Well then, let's have
a woman's point of view.

- I wondered when you were
going to get round to asking me.

Well I think the whole place looks like

it had come out of the ark.

It wants bringing up to date.

I rather favor the beebar look.

- The Great Gatsby, you know,
ostrich feathers, concealed

lighting, and somebody
playing These Foolish Things.

- A tinkling piano in the next department.

- We could have those
lovely big potted plants.

You know the ones with the big leaves.

- That's right, the feel of the 20's.

- I'm very fond of a feel of the 20's.

- Well let's take a vote on it.

Hands up all those who
like the sound of it.

Yes well I like the sound of it too.

I'm rather surprised
that you don't Peacock.

- If you'll allow me to
finish my sentence sir,

isn't that rather old fashioned look

really quite a good idea.

- That just leaves Mr.
Grainger dissenting.

- He's not dissenting, he's scratching.

- And we could have those
lovely 1920's frocks

with all feathers and beads.

- Oh that would be nice.

- Only for the ladies of course.

- I don't think we could
afford to go that far.

I mean they give the
place so much atmosphere.

- I doubt if we could afford those.

- Well I think the concealed
lighting's a good idea.

- Yes, yes.

But it does sound rather expensive.

We'll just have to see how
far the budget will stretch.

- In that case it's all down to

a jar of daffodils and a nightlight.

I mean that puts everybody
in such a good mood.

- That's if we could
afford the music that is.

- There's no problem over music,

we can simply play a record
over the loud speaker system.

- I've been trying to remember
the tunes of that era.

What about Al Jolson?

You know, what was it?

♫ I'd walk a million miles
for one of your smiles

♫ My Mammy

- That should be very good
for the shoe department.

- What about I'll See You Again

Whenever Spring Breaks Through Again?

- Very good for bedding.

How about June is Busting Out All Over

for the bra department?

- If you can't say something sensible,

I suggest you leave your seniors
to come up with the ideas.

- I can mend your umbrella.

- I beg your pardon Mr. Grainger.

- Toodle uma luma, it's a song, you know.

♫ Toodle uma luma luma,
toodla uma luma too uma aye eh

♫ Hanging umbrellas, hanging
umbrellas, for mend today

♫ He'll mend your parasol,
it may be small, it may big

♫ He will mend them all with
what he calls his thingamajig

- Bing Crosby I think.

- We sell umbrellas, we don't repair them.

- No I know, but it would help
to draw attention to them.

- I think the background,
the music is intended

to be background, you see,
and is not necessarily

pertinent to any particular article.

- Yes, exactly.

The records rather depend on what

they are trying to push
in the music department.

- Well knowing our music
department it'll be

Kevin O'Conner and Red Vellum West.

- I've listened to what's been said

and I like what I've heard.

- You know what always makes me

buy things in those big super markets?

It's when they're playing
music and then the music stops

and suddenly you hear, bing.

- Well I said Bing Crosby before

as an idea but nobody would listen.

- I mean a bell that goes bing.

And then you get a deep
voice saying, frozen foods,

peas are down today, things like that.

- That's a very good idea there.

Yeah I could just see that now.

Bing, this is the ladies department,

knickers are down today.

You'll all get killed in the rush.

- You've got a one track mind.

- No, no, I think the
idea has possibilities.

We could have a voice to draw attention

to lines on special offer.

Although I'm not entirely sold on bing.

I think something, something
rather deeper like bong.

- So long as we don't have a pong.

And I think that's yours.

- Aren't we somewhat getting
away from the point sir?

- Yes, yes, I agree.

The fact emerges that my
idea of a recorded voice

to push a line is a good one.

- And I suggest that we need
the right sort of voice.

- Oh let's have that
lovely golden honeycomb

what reads the news on the telly.

- Oh I like Richard Baker.

He's got lovely eyes.

- Do you know I take more notice

of the news when he reads it.

- I don't think we could
afford professionals.

Perhaps one of the staff could do it.

- Yes, why not.

Any volunteers?

And he just needs a good
clear, commanding voice.

- We could probably arrange a small fee.

- I'll do it.

- My diction's clearer than yours.

- As a matter of seniority I think

I should be given the first opportunity.

- Nevermind.

- These aspirins don't seem
to be doing any good at all.

- Perhaps you need an ice pack.

- No I think he's better
to stock to the aspirins.

- I mean a female voice
to do the announcements.

- Yes, why not.

After all we women can speak

just as well as what you mean can.

- I myself favor a more impartial person.

- Me.

- And what about the two of
us, what's more, as well?

Only mainly me.

- If my mother was here,
there'd be no argument.

- Tomorrow I shall record
all your voices in my office

and we'll let young Mr. Grace decide.

- Yes, yes.

Been a most stimulating discussion.

- Well it hasn't stimulated
him very much, has it?

- Oh give him a prod.

- No, no, no, might startle him.

- Uh just chuck a sheet over him,

then he'll be ready for the morning.

- Leave it up to me.

Are you free Mr. Grainger?

- Yes.

- Oh blimey, out with the lock.

- Good morning Mr. Mash.

It is a particularly crisp
and clear morning, is it not?

- By George, he's got it.

- Around the rugged rocks,
the ragged rascal ran.

- I'll bet you caught them
and all, eh Mr. Humphries?

- Good morning Mr. Mash.

- You sound as if you've got
a mouth full of marbles, mate.

- Well I have.

To improve my speech.

Oh no.

What's up then?

- I had four when I was on the bus,

I've only got three here.

- How now, brown cow.

No I'm just practicing
my vowels Mrs. Slocombe.

How about this.

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's mate.

- That's enough of that Mr. Lucas.

- I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's mate.

- Enter.

Ah good morning Miss Thorpe,
nice to see you're punctual.

- I ran all the way from the tube station.

Well
there's no need to do that.

- Well this awful man was following me.

- Oh you must've been imagining it.

Why should anyone follow you?

- Well I don't know.

I mean we were on the train
and he was sitting there

just like you are and I
was strap hanging like this

and he followed me off the train.

- Yes, well, perhaps you
weren't imagining it after all.

Enter.

Ah Peacock, this is my
new secretary Miss Thorpe.

- I thought I couldn't
quite place the face.

- Yes well, anyway, I'm
sure you're going to be

much better than the last girl.

She hadn't got much up top.

Don't you agree Peacock?

- No comparison at all.

- Uh quite, yes.

- Well we're, we're all ready
for the bust, the test sir.

They're all waiting outside.

- Oh good.

Well I've got the tape recorder here.

Who's first?

- Me sir.

- Right well, carry on.

Perhaps you'd like to
hold up the microphone

for Captain Peacock, Miss Thorpe.

- Boing or bong, or whichever
one of those you prefer sir.

Bing, I'm sorry bong.

Welcome to Grace Brothers, this
is Captain Peacock speaking.

Of course I won't use my
name on the actual thing sir,

that's just to identify me
when Mr. Grace hears it.

- Get on with it.

I can't hear you.

- I didn't want my voice on the tape.

- Would you like me to stand
nearer to the microphone sir?

- No.

Ready?

- Yes of course it's on.

- I read him a chapter
from Valley of the Dolls.

- I dunno, he asked to keep the book.

- You know it's a wonder
there's any tape left

after Peacock took two hours.

- Well it's going home time soon.

Whoever it is, I hope
they announce it quick.

- How much longer is Mr.
Humphries going to be

trying on this morning's suit?

- I don't know Mr. Grainger,
but he made me take

his inside leg four times
before he was satisfied.

Ah here he comes now.

Fitting like a glove Mr. Humphries.

- Mirror mirror on the wall.

Oh, you cannot see the joint at all.

Do you know it's lucky
it's a Saturday wedding,

I wouldn't have been able to go.

- Fancy you being a best man.

- Yes it was a surprise to me.

And you're the competition.

- Don't forget that suit is hire

and we shall expect it back on Monday.

- You know I think these
sleeves are too long.

- Oh don't worry, they'll
ride up with wear.

- There's no need to
lie to me, I work here.

- Attention everybody.

Mrs. Slocombe, Miss Brahms,
Mr. Grainger, over here please.

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Humphries.

You should have changed
into that after the bell.

- You're looking very smart
this morning Mr. Humphries.

You're not getting married, are you?

- No Mr. Grace.

- No I thought not.

- Now then Mr. Grace has approved

of the use of background music.

- A suggestion made by Mrs. Slocombe.

- And of the use of a
recorded voice to push sales.

- A suggestion also made by Mrs. Slocombe.

- Thank you Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes, thank you Mrs. Slocombe.

Now I've listened to all the voices

and you've all done very well.

- Thank you Mr. Grace.

- Yes it was a very difficult
decision but in the end

there was only one voice
that I really liked.

Goddard?

This is Mr. Grace speaking.

Welcome to Grace Brothers
and the feel of the 20's.

There's quality goods in
store on every single floor.

- Well done Mr. Grace, I like it.

It's
clothes, socks, trousers,

shirts, ties, underwear, to the left.

- Most comprehensive.

Bras, knickers, petticoats,

tights, coats, dresses, gloves,
scarves, and sweaters, etc.

- I think you've covered everything.

- Oh I do Mr. Grace.

- Sock it to 'em Ginger.

- Takes me back to my bronze medal days.

Ah, Sunday night at the Coliseum again.

This step cost me mother 25 pounds.