Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 4, Episode 2 - Top Hat and Tails - full transcript

♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

Thank you.

Mr. Harman, where's the
center display unit?

Here you are, Captain Peacock.

Here's Fred Astaire,

Mr. Lucas is following close
behind with Ginger Rogers.

Don't let me catch you
dancing cheek to cheek.

Just pull the trousers up, Harman,

we'll be having customers
here in a minute.



I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, Mr. Ludlow's

just been giving his work

a quick tweak with the screwdriver.

I'm afraid we've had a
few technical problems,

one does have these
teething troubles, you know,

it's a very sophisticated
piece of equipment.

Doesn't look very sophisticated
with its trousers down.

Have I missed something?

This is one of the
automated display units

for the new department.

It's 10,000 parts
worth of equipment here.

Fancy.

Captain Peacock, I do
hope that I'm not late,

I noticed that the customers
were already coming in.



Oh good morning sir, are you being served?

Braces, Mr. Humphries.

Explain to him, Mr. Humphries.

Is that it, is that the robot

they've all been making a fuss about?

Don't look very life-like to me.

Well you don't look very life-like

at this time of the morning.

What in heaven's name's that?

It's that robot they've
all been going on about.

Well it looks just like
all the other models.

What does it do that's different?

Well that's different.

I hope that's not going
to be a common occurrence.

Mr. Lucas.

Yes Captain Peacock?

Semi-clad models are not
permitted on the floor.

I'm sorry Captain Peacock.

Miss Brahms, adjust the
costume on that model.

Will you please remove your hands.

There speaks a voice of experience.

Store's opening, are these
things going to function

or are they just going
to stand there all day?

Just about ready, sir.

Now I've programmed them for
a very simple first maneuver.

Now he's going to salute, like that,

and she's going to curtsy,
just to acknowledge him.

People really seldom
curtsy in these days.

My milkman does.

You should stop answering
the door in your tiara.

You've been there early, have you?

Would you like to do the honors, sir?

Oh, yes, of course.

What do I do?

Ah, now just press button three,

the information is already in the memory.

Right, here we go then.

Before I do press button three,

I think it worth pointing
out that in so doing

I'm opening up a new
era for Grace Brothers,

the era of automated display.

To borrow the words of
the first man on the moon,

"A small step for man, a
giant step for mankind."

Is that all?

Well it's not easy to take a giant step

with your trousers around your ankles.

Excuse me sir, you did
actually press button eight

with the thumb of your left hand

as you were preparing
to press button three

with the forefinger of your right

so it received the wrong signal.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Does button eight always result

in the lowering of the
trousers in that manner?

Well, yes, it's to help make
a speedy change of clothes.

If you ask me, we could
all do with one of those.

Can you imagine leaping
out of bed and shouting

"I'm late, I'm late, I
must press button eight"?

Alright, ready to go again.

Before I do press button three,

I think it worth pointing out

Excuse me sir, you've done that.

Ready?

Yes, ready.

Ready?

Yes, quite ready.

Oh get on with it, the
suspense is killing us.

He looks a bit nervous.

Perhaps he's worried about his trousers.

I've sent the signal.

I think he's got the message.

Oh, something's happening, look.

Oh, it's uncanny, isn't it?

If my pussy saw that it'd
be straight up the curtains.

Press it again.

It would seem that
something has gone wrong.

Well you can't expect her to curtsy

after he's treated her like that.

Here we are, there's
the sugar, who wants what?

Well I prefer brown.

Well I'll give you some out this end,

where the gravy went in.

Mrs. Slocombe?

I'd like two big ones.

Shirley?

Not for me, thanks, it's fattening.

Here, dear, have one of
these, it's saccharine.

Oh, I didn't know you was on a diet.

I have to hold back.

I gave a dinner party last night.

Was it a special occasion?

Well it was to show off
my new electric log fire,

it's got one of those revolving disks

that puff out electric smoke.

It looks quite pretty, really.

What did you give them?

Quenelled halibut.

What's quenelled?

Well it's a very
refined way of doing fish.

You chop it up very, very small

until it's a smooth paste.

Fancy you going to all that trouble.

Well I wasn't going to but I slipped

when I came out the fishmongers.

May I join you for coffee?

Ah, we wondered where you were, Stephen.

I was having a sandwich
in the boardroom.

A sandwich in the boardroom?

Young Mr. Grace sent
for Mr. Rumbold and myself

to ask our advice about the
golden shoes competition.

Golden shoes competition, what's that?

It's a national contest
among department stores

to find the champion ballroom team.

Last year, Debbie and Tom's
wiped the floor with us.

What's it got to do with you?

Well, Young Mr. Grace wants
our ladies and gentlemen's

department to form a team this year.

Why us?

Six years ago,

I was in the team that
reached the quarterfinals.

I was in soft furnishings
and fabrics at that time,

if you remember?

Oh, yes, you were a legend.

Yes, I was.

What is more important is
that we have hidden talent

lurking in our midst.

Now, we've been looking
through Mr. Humphries' records.

I was innocent of the
charge, it was a case...

And it appears that at one time he was

an instructor in the
twinkle toes dance salon

in Weston-super-Mare.

Oh now that is muckraking.

And before that, at the age of eight,

he was a sunshine babe.

Oh it's just like being
on This Is Your Life.

A sunshine babe, what did you do?

I'll show you.

You know I saw them,

they had fringes and little short frocks.

That's what gave me mother the idea.

Young Mr. Grace feels that Mr. Humphries

could be, as it were, the trainer.

Well what about the rest of us?

There's more than two in a team.

Well, at the Christmas
party, Mrs. Slocombe,

you revealed that you are
very light on your feet.

She was very light in the head as well.

You're getting cheeky again, Mr. Lucas.

Mr. Lucas, I believe,
was a frequent visitor

to the Pelle de Dance.

Oh no, I don't go there
for the dancing though,

I only go there for the chatting.

He got chucked out the other night.

What for?

He tried to sneak in
on the under 25s night.

How did you know that?

I was there.

Anyway, Young Mr. Grace

is very anxious that we should compete.

And promote the dress high department

by wearing their costumes.

Knowing that we have to do a lot of work

he is prepared to pay us
a bonus of 25 pounds each.

Well that puts a different
complexion on the whole thing.

I'm very fond of
ballroom dancing, you know.

I'm not good at it, but
I'm very fond of it.

Then I shall inform Young Mr. Grace

that I have your full cooperation.

Where do you want the
piano forte, Captain Peacock?

Uh Mr. Rumbold, where
would you like the piano?

There will do very well, thank you.

The piano department
said if it ain't back

by 9 o'clock tomorrow
morning it's down to you.

I have written permission
from Mr. Widgery.

That's typical, isn't it?

It ain't what you know, it's who you know.

Alright, pay attention class.

Now this evening, the first
thing we're going to do is...

Mr. Rumbold, Mr. Rumbold, not
while I'm instructing please.

Now the first thing this
evening we're going to do

is to brush up on our quick step.

Hands up, who doesn't know
how to do the quick step?

I don't.

What do you do when you go dancing?

The funky chicken.

I'll put you down as
isolation freestyle.

Is that the one that
goes "dee dee dee dum dee"?

It's hard to tell, the way you do it.

Why I do hope it's that one
because I do that very well.

I think perhaps, Mr. Humphries,

we better start at the beginning.

Yes, shall you and I show them?

Yes, I think that would be best.

Shall I lead?

I'll lead.

Take your partners.

Just a minute.

I think that as I know
something about it and as

Mr. Grainger knows something about it,

we ought to take Mr.
Lucas and Miss Brahms.

Yes, good idea.

Fate has thrown us together
at last, Mrs. Slocombe.

Belt up and you'll learn something.

What are you doing,
directing the traffic?

Now you will note that
Captain Peacock's hand

is in the small of my back.

Hands in the small of the lady's back.

This would be wrong, and this...

This would also be wrong.

Hands in the small of the back.

What happens if your arm
won't stretch that far?

If I have any more of your
lip I shall tread on your toe.

Shall we show them just
the first basic steps?

Yes.

Ready for the music.

Take the time from me.

And slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.

Ready for the fishtail.

Spin.

You have a very positive
lead, Captain Peacock.

Ask him if he's free on Thursday.

I think that was rather too complicated.

Yes, perhaps we ought
to start with the foxtrot.

Good idea.

Any questions?

Yes, how was the piano playing?

Very good, Mr. Rumbold.

Well if you think you
could do any better.

I think with the slower
tempo, the foxtrot,

harmonies like these would be
a bit more easy on the ear.

Did you get that?

Yes, thank you Captain Peacock,

but I still prefer my version.

As you will.

Dancing so well, and
playing the piano as you do,

I'm quite surprised to find
you working in a store.

Playing the piano as you
do I'm not at all surprised.

Please, please, please, shall we try

the first part with the first couple?

Mrs. Slocombe, are you ready?

Quite ready.

Hand in the small of
the back, Mr. Lucas.

I can't find the small of her back.

I can find the big of her back

but I can't find the small of her back.

I'm so sorry.

Please, one, two, three, four.

Mr. Lucas, don't dance so close.

I'm not dancing close,
she's dancing close.

Mrs. Slocombe feels that
you're taking advantage of her.

That is not the case, Captain Peacock.

I hold back of her out there

but the front of her finishes up here.

Well do the best you can.

Very well.

Are we ready to resume?

Ready.

That's much better.

One, two, three...

Just a minute.

I do the one, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Just a minute.

Just a minute.

Mr. Peacock, if he does not behave himself

then I shall not proceed.

Mr. Lucas, if there's any more of this

I shall ask Mr. Rumbold

to make an adverse entry in your records.

I'm terribly sorry, Captain Peacock,

I didn't realize it was that
serious, I'm truly sorry.

Anyway I'm puffed, let
somebody else have a go.

Yes, good idea, try the
next couple Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grainger.

He's dropped off there beside me.

The excitement was too much for him.

Wake him up, Mr. Humphries.

Mr. Grainger.

I'm just serving Prince Philip.

You'll find the sleeves
will ride up with wear,

your heinous.

Mr. Grainger, are you free?

Yes, yes I'm free.

Take your partners for the foxtrot.

One, two, three, four.

Mr. Grainger, you've
left your engine running.

I'm sorry, I'm not
quite sure where to start.

We saw your difficulty.

Mind you, I'm excellent
once I do get started.

The competition might
not last that long.

You know, my father always said,

"Play a good game of tennis
and a good game of bridge

"and learn to dance well

"and you can mix with all
the crowned heads of Europe."

And did you?

Unfortunately I had B.O.

What a fragrant memory to look back on.

Let's try it all together, shall we?

Everybody, one, two, three, four.

Oh, damn.

Try it next time 'round.

Now.

Rumbold here.

Oh, good afternoon Mr. Grace.

The dancing?

Oh it went very well, sir.

We put in three hours overtime last night

and I think we have a team with a chance.

Good, well I shan't put them on

unless I think they're good, you know.

By the way Rumbold, are you dancing?

I'm on the piano, sir.

I once saw Fred Astaire
dancing on the piano, you know.

Looked to me very dangerous.

No sir, I'm on the keyboard.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Think of your great big
feet all over that keyboard.

I can't imagine that.

No sir, my hands are on the keyboard.

Really?

Dancing with your hands on the keyboard.

Even Fred Astaire couldn't do that.

Though he did once dance on the ceiling.

Perhaps I should start again, sir.

And there is your receipt, sir.

Thank you very much, good day sir.

Menswear.

Hello Leslie dear.

It's the higher stock
room, they want our sizes.

What for?

For our suits, for the competition.

Hang on a minute Leslie, love.

Mr. Grainger, do you know
your vital statistics?

I've had no interest in them

since I lost sight of my toes.

Hang on Leslie and I'll hand
you over to our Mr. Lucas.

Yes, he's right up your street.

What's he like?

I'm 60ish, baldish, fattish and I limp.

Oh, oh it's a girl.

What did you expect?

Ready Mr. Grainger?

Standby.

Standby, Leslie.

- Head.
- Head.

- Seven and a half.
- Seven and a half.

- Neck.
- Neck.

- 16.
- 16.

- Chest.
- Chest.

- 42.
- 42.

- Waist.
- Waist.

- 42.
- 42.

- Hips.
- Hips.

- 42.
- 42.

- Inside leg.
- Inside leg.

31.

Shall we serve again with a new ball?

Are you going to be much longer?

I think I've got it right now, sir.

Now I've designed a very simple program.

He will raise his hat
and do a courtly bow.

And she will nod to show her appreciation.

And if all that works

I shall program them to do
a little dance together.

This should be good,

we worked very, very hard on this one.

Would you like to do it, sir?

Well perhaps Mrs. Slocombe
would like the honor.

I'm not very good
with mechanical things,

though I did once hit the
jackpot on the pier at Blackpool.

Did ya?

I once hit the jackpot
under the pier at Blackpool.

That's enough, Mr. Harman.

Now just press button
one for the hat raising,

two for the bow and four for
the nod to show appreciation.

Well I feel just like the queen

launching a big battleship.

Ah, happy days.

Here goes.

By Jove, I think you
got it right this time.

Got a bit of rheumatism in the arm,

it's the weather that does it, you know.

Two for the bow.

It wasn't me, it wasn't me,

I didn't even press the button
to show her appreciation.

She's showing everything else.

Hey, I just remembered,

it wasn't Blackpool, it was Yarmouth.

I'm putting on my top hat,

tying up my white tie,

answering my mail.

Rumbold here.

How's dancing.

Oh, going very well, Mr. Grace.

We're just getting ready
for the dress rehearsal.

Oh good, I'll come down, I'm on my way.

I don't think we'll actually be ready

for another 10 minutes, sir.

Don't worry about that,

it'll take me as long as
that to get to the lifts.

Higher department.

I think there's been some slight
mistake over my dress suit.

What's my name?

Would you believe Stan Laurel?

You ready, Captain Peacock?

I'm just complaining about my suit, sir.

Oh don't fuss, Peacock,

it will be put right in the morning.

We've always got one or
two adjustments to be made.

In my case they'll
need to build an annex.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

Mr. Grainger, you look very smart.

Thank you very much,
I feel quite romantic.

Well the clothes should be alright.

I understand they're bankrupt stock

from a theatrical costumer.

Ah, then this is Stan Laurel's.

I've got the name
Michael Wilding in mine.

I think they must have let it out a bit.

There's something a bit
spooky about this suit,

you know the pockets
are filled with birdseed

and this hat smells like it's
had a rabbit sleeping in it.

Don't exaggerate, Mr. Lucas,

I'm sure there's a perfectly
logical explanation.

You're quite right, Mr. Rumbold,

a rabbit has been sleeping in this.

It's my own.

I wore this when I won the golden pumps

for the gay garden.

Does it light up in the dark?

No, but I do.

Cinderella shall go to the ball.

Oh, did you know, they
pulled this in in the back.

They've let it out in the front.

What's that bulge in your pocket?

It's a chicken.

Oh, ask a silly question.

Hey.

Go ahead, hold your hand out,
it's going to lay an egg.

Oh come along now, we
just need Mrs. Slocombe

and then we can start.

She couldn't get in the lift.

Am I anywhere near the edge?

Just keep walking, we'll tell you when.

I'm not coming down until
someone gives me a hand.

Michael Wilding, she
needs your assistance.

It's alright Mr. Grainger, allow me.

Oh that journey up the
stairs, I'm puffed out.

Here's a chair for you, Mrs. Slocombe.

Oh thank you so much Miss Brahms.

Will you tell her?

Will you tell her or shall I?

You're the senior, sir.

Are you there, Mrs. Slocombe?

We'd better get on our feet,

Young Mr. Grace will be down in a minute.

What's he going to see first?

Well if you don't get up,

no hands, two knees and
a lot of bumpsy daisy.

I just came to see if you're good enough

to go in for the competition.

Come and sit down, over here sir.

And we'll show you

the freestyle formation
first, I think, sir.

Now line up everybody.

May I ask a question?

Of course, sir.

Is your head getting bigger?

Oh no sir, it's an optical
illusion created by my hat.

Are you ready, Mr. Rumbold?

Ready.

Over to you, Mr. Humphries.

One, two, three, four.

What did you think, sir?

Well, it's a shambles,

save for those two at the end there.

Where are they from?

They're from here, sir,

they're the automated display units.

I see, well order four more
and send your silly lot home.