Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 2, Episode 5 - Hoorah for the Holidays - full transcript

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationery and leather goods,

♫ wigs and haberdashery,

♫ kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones,
gents ready-made suits

- Certainly sir.

Mr. Lucas, are you free?

- I'm free Mr. Humphreys.

- Your customer for the
made to measure suit.

- Ah, good morning sir.

And may I say, what a
lovely morning it is.



One can almost feel a
touch of spring in the air,

don't you almost feel there's a touch

of spring in the air, Mr. Humphreys?

- Now that you mention it Mr. Lucas,

I did feel a bit frisky about
half past seven this morning.

Mind you, it was a waste of time.

- Fetch the gentleman's suit, Mr. Lucas.

- Yes, one suit coming up, Mr. Granger.

- I'll take the customer

into the changing room, Mr. Granger,

and put his clothes on a coat hanger.

- And come straight back, Mr. Humphreys.

- And that's of the main street in Ajaxi.

- Oh, my girlfriend went there last year,



but she didn't like it.

Every time she went out,
she got her bottom pinched.

- Well, of course, that only happens

to a certain class of person.

I mean, my friend Mrs. Elthrope and me

walked up and down
there one entire evening

and nothing happened.

- No, I think I'll try somewhere else.

I've decided on Tunisia.

I feel in the mood for
palm trees and deserts.

- Oh well, that's funny,
because my girlfriend

went there the year before last year,

and she didn't like that either,

'cause she got tangled up with this sheik

what wanted to put in his harem.

Where exactly was that?

- No, they're photographs
of my holiday last year,

Captain Peacock.

- Well, perhaps we could
have a look at them

after hours, eh Mrs. Sloakam?

- We couldn't have a look at
them at all, Captain Peacock.

- Let him see that one
of you in your bikini.

- Oh no, Ms. Bronze.

- I just don't care when
I'm on the continent.

I must say it's the
first time I've ever seen

anybody doing a cartwheel with
an ice cream in both hands.

- You've got it upside down.

- Yes, I did think the
sky was rather overcast.

- I'd just been in the ice cream parlor,

and I'd just come out.

- Yes, you had, didn't you.

- My boyfriend wants me to go on

those adventure holiday trips with him.

- Oh that would have been very exciting.

And where were you going, India?

- Well, we never got that far

because when I said I wanted
separate sleeping bags,

he went off the idea.

- I think Mr. Mash is trying
to attract our attention.

- It's nine thirty, Captain.

Do you mind if I bring my audible self

on to the floor, Captain?

In my dirty, scruffy overall,

which you don't like the
customers to see, sir?

- You are permitted to
come on the floor, Mash,

provided you have a good reason.

- I have.

I've come to stick this
up Mrs. Sloakam's corsets.

- And about time, too.

- It's for the Firm You Up
Fat Fighter Control Corset.

It's been here for three days.

- It's a mystery to us all.

- There you are, Mrs. Sloakam.

Your juice is one.

- Well, I'm not having
that there all day long,

having indigestion.

- It certainly would be more acceptable,

if it didn't inflate quite so much.

I mean, if it sort of.

- You haven't improved
it, Captain Peacock.

- Take it away, Mash. Take it away.

- Mr. Humphrey, how did it come to pass

that Mr. Lucas got the
made to measure customer.

- Well it was when you were away

poorly with your back, Mr. Granger.

I was fitting a gentleman
for a pair of bathing shorts,

and before I knew where I was,

Mr. Lucas had taken them down.

- No, the measurements
for the made to measure.

- Well I must do the fitting,

so bring the pincushion and the chalk.

- Yes, Mr. Granger.

- Oh!

- Yes, well, considering
it's your first fitting,

they're very near.

Have you put weight on, sir.

- No, as a matter of fact I'm on a diet.

- Ah yes, I remember you
mentioned you were on a diet

when I was measuring you, yes.

So I allowed for it, you see.

Yes, another couple of months,

they'll probably fit perfectly.

- Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger's
here to do the fitting.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

- Yes, I see, yes.

It is a little snug, I think.

Don't you agree?

- Yes, it is rather snug.

- That's because I've got
my hand in the waistband.

- Well, take it out, Mr. Lucas.

Thank you.

- Yes, let me see here.

Oh yes.

Let out waist.

- Let out waist.

- Ease seat.

- Ah, the professional touch, Mr. Granger.

- Couldn't have don't it better myself.

- And I think the rise is a little short.

- Yes, I was just
thinking that Mr. Granger.

- Lengthen rise.

Lengthen rise.

- I think they're breaking
a bit early, Mr. Granger.

- And finishing rather late.

- Mind you, it will be
a lot better of course,

when you're wearing shoes.

- I am wearing shoes.

- Yes, well of course I rather
saw you in high heels myself,

didn't you Mr. Humphreys?

- I did, I did.

- I think that we shall have to take

a touch off the leg.

- Allow me to chalk the leg, Mr. Granger.

- We are just going to take
a shaving off the leg, sir.

- About eight inches.

- Ah yes, I'm sure you'll find the jacket

to your liking, sir.

If you care to just
slip your arms in there,

that's it sir.

There we are. There.

- Mr. Lucas.

Do you think you got the right jacket?

- I think so.

- Not quite as much as that.

- There's plenty to let down.

- Yes, I hadn't thought of that.

- The 12 button look is quite
the thing now, you know, sir.

- I think we'd better have new sleeves.

- Yes, I think we'd
better have new sleeves.

I think this is yours, sir.

- Don't worry about that sir,
our repair department will

tack that up for you before you leave.

- Don't you find that it's
much easier under the arm, sir?

- Yes, yes, yes it is much.

- Good, good, well
we're on the right line.

- These were taken on
my holiday last year.

- Oh, doesn't it look hot.

- Oh you're right, yes.

Yes, that's the worst of the desert.

- Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well.

- Yes, she does, yes.

We went back to Bessamachu,

where scored our first big victory.

- Oh, that was where
you had your honeymoon.

- No, that was where
we pushed Rommel back.

I was dug in at this very spot

for about seven whole days.

It's a motel now, you know.

Oh it was absolute hell, you know.

The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms,

the monotonous food.

- Oh what you poor boys
must have suffered.

- No, that was last year at the motel.

- Hope I'm not interrupting
anything, Captain Peacock.

- Now, he's just showing
us his holiday pictures.

- Well, perhaps we could look at those

after the store closes.

Now, I'd like a word with everybody

if you could get them to gather round.

- Yes, of course.

- Thank you very much, sir.

I'm glad that your satisfied with

this part of the suit anyway.

And the rest of it will be
ready a week on Tuesday.

- I shall look forward to that.

- Mr. Granger, Mr. Humphreys,
Mr. Lucas, are you free.

- Yes, I'm free.

- I'm free.

- I'm free.

- Mrs. Sloakam, gather round please.

- Now, I've just come from a board meeting

which we held in the board room

with regard to the
redecoration of the store.

Rather than disrupt
sales for weeks on end,

we have decided to close the store

for the first two weeks in August.

I feel sure you'll agree this
is an excellent decision.

- Does that mean we get
two weeks extra holiday?

- No, the board hopes that
you will take your holiday

to coincide with this.

- But I can't possible
go to Little Hampton

for the first two weeks in August.

I mean, the place is full of trippers,

and Mrs. Featherston would never be able

to squeeze me in.

- The Isle of Capri will be an
absolute nightmare in August.

I've heard that Gracie
goes somewhere else.

- Yes, well we did realize
that there would be hardships.

I have therefore recommend the payment

of inconvenience money
of five pound per head.

- Per day.

- No, for the fortnight.

- Inconvenience money, five
pounds for a fortnight?

- That's not even convenience money.

- It certainly won't make up to me

for being on a camel in the desert

when all the sheiks are on
their yachts in the Caribbeano.

- It doesn't fit in with my plans at all.

I had reserved a holiday
on the island of Levant.

That's a nudist colony.

- Nature camp.

- Oh, Captain Peacock.

That wasn't you sawing down that tree

in last month's Health
and Efficiency, was it?

- No, it was not.

- If I cancel now, Mrs. Featherston

will have me blacklist by the LHLA.

- The Little Hamptons
Landladies Association.

- Oh, the disgrace.

- Needless to say, it's not
very convenience for me either.

I had aimed to go to Monte
Carlo, try my hand at the tables.

- Don't they need waiters
any time of the year?

- I think I speak for all of us when I say

that we would ask the board
to reconsider their decision.

- Yes, it is his last word.

- I'm surprised at you, Captain Peacock.

- There comes a time, Mr. Rumbolt,

when any man who is a man
must stand up to be counted.

- One.

- You have my support, Steven.

- And mine.

- I'm right behind you, Captain Peacock.

- I'm right behind you, Mr. Lucas.

- I'd rather you were
behind Captain Peacock.

- To be sure, it is a beautiful color.

- Oh yes, that shamrock green goes so well

with madam's eyes.

- It's the blarney you're giving me.

But I'll take it all the same.

- Certainly.

Will it be after going on madam's account?

- Oh, I was looking for a dressing gown.

- Certainly sir.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

- Yes, I'm free.

- This customer would like to see

what you have in dressing gowns.

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

- Would you like to see what I've got

in long ones or short ones?

- Well, I'd like something that

hangs to about there.

- Yes, they're very popular.

Mr. Lucas, Mr. Lucas, are you free?

- I'm free, Mr. Humphreys.

- The customer would like a dressing gown.

Bring the rail.

- One rail coming up, Mr. Humphreys.

- Now sir, we got Turkish
towel, terry towel,

terralin and wool, short
length, calf length,

slim fit or full,

all on, band lung, shangton
silk or simulated seersucker.

- I'd rather show you.

- One rail, Mr. Humphreys.

Good morning sir, could
I take your coat sir?

- Yes, thank you, thank you, yes.

- Now sir, how about something like this.

This is from our Kung-fu range.

Quite a little relaxing thing it is,

plenty of room under
the arms for movement.

I get quite carried away
when I put one of.

So sorry sir, I don't
know what came over me.

- I don't think it's quite me.

- No, no.

If they send aftershave lotion,

you could do yourself a mischief.

What about this sir? I
call this one the Nanny.

- Oh, yes, it's a beautiful blue.

- Yes, but it hasn't a hood.

- I hadn't really thought about a hood,

that would rather,

would be rather nice.

- In that case sir, you want
our Christopher Robin range.

These are very popular,
we've sold a lot of these,

haven't we Mr. Lucas?

- Oh yes, we've sold a lot
of these Mr. Humphreys, yes.

- Matter of fact, I have one myself.

I lie in bed and I pull the
hood right over my head.

♫ And close your eyes and curl up small

♫ And nobody knows you're there at all

- Dont go on, Mr. Lucas.

- God bless you, Father.

- Enter.

- Mr. Rumbolt, have the higher-ups

come to decision about the holidays, then?

- Well if you'd like to stay,

I've called a meeting to give a ruling.

- 'Cause I've been on the blower,

and I can't cancel the Seashells.

- No, no. The Seashells
in the Indian Ocean.

- Seems a long way to go for
someone in your position.

- I've got this urge for some of them

native girls with grass skirts.

Ha-hey.

- Indeed.

- I'm leaving the wife
and taking the lawnmower.

Get it?

Grass skirt, lawnmower.

Oh, blimey.

Here, now look at that.
Now that's the hotel, see.

And here is a typical native girl

sitting under a palm tree, see.

I bet you've never seen
coconuts that size have you, eh?

- Enter.

- Oh Mr. Rumbolt, I hope this
isn't going to take long.

My pussy's been locked up for eight hours,

and I'm afraid it's just not convenient.

- And I've gotta be back in
time for Top of the Pops.

- No, but someone has to hold me mum back

when Gary Glitter comes on.

- No, she kicks the settee.

- Come in and shut the door.

Now, before I begin, have you
reconsidered your decision

not to help Grace Brothers
over this difficult period?

Are you determined to reject
the board's generous offer?

- Perhaps, as senior staff member,

I should be spokesman?

- Carry on, Steven.

- Yes, you carry on.

- Would you like our feeling
in a nutshell, Mr. Rumbolt?

- Please, yes.

- It's not on.

- I see.

- You'll have to up the ante, Mr. Rumbolt.

I mean, five pounds goes nowhere.

A loaf of bread costs three shillings.

Five pounds is only 35 loaves.

- And where can you go
on holiday for 35 loaves?

- It doesn't buy much crumpet either.

- I don't get the enjoyment out of it

I used to in the old days.

- No, the bread.

- I think it's possible we
may be veering from the point.

As I understand it, you are
not accepting this offer,

is that right?

- Speaking for myself, I am unanimous.

- Nevertheless, the
store does have to close

for those two weeks.

However, young Mr. Grace did anticipate

that the wind might
blow in that direction,

and so he is prepared
to make what I consider

to be an even more generous offer.

He will pay for us to
have a holiday in the sun,

provided we agree to take it
during the said two weeks.

- Well, Mr. Grace does happen
to own Grace Air Tours,

and Grace Made to Measure
Continental Holidays.

- That does sound a much
more generous offer.

- Well, no, that would hardly be fair.

We all have to go to the same place.

That's how these charter holidays work.

- Well I vote we all go to
Captain Peacock's Isle of Levant.

I wonder what the money we'll save,

all we need is a pair of dark sunglasses.

- Oh Mr. Lucas, you're
not expecting me to go

walking along the beach
in my birthday suit.

- Very dark sunglasses.

- Well now, Mr. Grace
has given us the choice

of five resorts.

- Well I've had some slides prepared,

so we can all have a look through them

and then take a vote, if you'd like to

assemble in the boardroom.

The boardroom?

- I've never been there.

- There's nobody here.

We'd better go in.

- You know, this is a great moment for me.

I've been 37 years at Grace Brothers,

and this is the first time

that I've been in the board room.

- Oh look, they've got a cocktail cabinet.

It's tough at the top.

And dry.

- Buy Harrods, sell John Lewis's.

- Stop that, Lucas.

- Cancel that order.

- Why do you think he'd
have an old barrow in here?

- Oh yes, that's the original barrow

that young Mr. Grace used

when he was selling
fish in the marketplace.

- Mm, and the memory lingers on.

- Well now, let us all
seat ourselves, shall we?

- Alright.

- There's no need for us to
be overawed by the occasion.

After all, boardrooms are the
same the whole world over.

That's the phone.

- Right first time, Captain Peacock.

- It'll be somebody ringing up.

- Perhaps it's Harrods ringing back.

- Well somebody ought to answer it.

I mean it's no good sitting here

like a lot of stuffed dummies.

- You've been here the longest Ernest.

- Yes, but you're the senior, Steven.

- Hu Flungs Chinese Restaurant.

Hang on.

It's for you, Captain Peacock,
it's Rumbolt's secretary.

I can't hear you very well.

- Stop playing with the
phone, Captain Peacock.

- It's your secretary, sir.

Apparently you're on your
way up to the boardroom, sir.

- But this is the boardroom.

- That had occurred to me, sir.

- Well then stop wasting time.

- Mr. Rumbolt says stop wasting time.

I couldn't agree more.

- Well now, I have the slides here.

So, we'll just run through
them and we can chose

where to go by a show of hands.

Mr. Mash, could you
reduce the lights please?

Certainly, Mr. Rumbolt.

- Now first, we have Torremolinos
in the Costa del Sol,

which of course is in Spain.

That's not bad, is it?

- Golden sand, beaches lapped by the

clear tepid waters of the Mediterranean,

and in the background the
magnificent purple hills

of the majestic sierra rise

tier upon tier into the blue bright sky

while nature deftly mixes semi-tropical

multi-hued flowers and plants
in a carnival of color.

- Sounds quite nice.

- After dark, it vibrates to
the tune lively nightclubs

and open air gay cafes.

- Oh, I like it.

- Activities include tennis and golf

at the nearby Campo de Sport.

- I like it even more.

- This is the Hotel
Royale Meditterani Palace.

- Indeed.

- Extensively modernized in 1948,

it is now under the experienced management

of friendly Don Pedro Alvarez Cohen.

Situated a picturesque ten
minute amble from the sea,

it features the sophisticated
Calypso Gourmet Grill

and nightly bingo.

- Nightly bingo is hardly my cup of tea.

- Nor mine, Steven.

- Let's have a look at Portugal.

- Monte Listerone.

Once the playground of
the international set,

home of deposed kings and the idle rich.

Idle rich?

Soft yellow,
pink, and green houses

set off the grace of the old churches,

while above the mysterious cobbled lanes,

lines of drying washing wave like flags.

- Sounds like Accrington.

- Only a short donkey
ride outside the town,

we find the Hotel Tegas Excelsior Palace.

To this very pleasant one star hotel,

two further floors have been added

which are not shown in the photograph.

- You certainly have to use
your imagination, don't you?

- The cocktail bar of the roof restaurant

provides the ideal atmosphere for

a sophisticated tete-a-tete,

and adjoins the children's paddling pool,

rollerskating rink, hot
dog stand, and crazy golf.

- Nothing that I like more than

a tete-a-tete with a
golf ball and a cocktail.

- Well at any rate, they don't have bingo.

- Can I put it to you
this way, Mrs. Sloakam?

There is no such thing as a no star hotel.

- Let's take our magic carpet
to tantalizing Tunisia.

This is the view from your hotel.

Note the burnished sands,
the clear blue water

is a mere 50 minutes away.

- The unspoilt coastline presents
a paradise of tranquility.

Only 40 miles away is City Bel-Guli.

Famous for it's pottery
and wrought-iron work,

a much favored excursion point.

- Well I'm not going to travel 40 miles

in a smelly bus in order to see a pot.

- Hotel Gaza Guli Palace.

What, you mean that fellow

looks like Peter O'Toole?

- Yeah.

- They've got mendosis.

- Belly dancing and sword swallowing

are a nightly attraction for the diners

as they sit cross legged on their jiboes,

toying with their couscous.

I think a jiboe must be
some sort of cushion.

- I was going to ask you about that.

- It's an arabic sago-ey sort of dish.

You eat if with the
cut off ear of a sheep.

- Well I'm not sitting on my jiboe

in a Foreign Legion fort,
toying with me couscous.

Not even with a knife and fork.

- I thought it sounded rather fun.

- Lights, Mr. Mash.

- Lights, Mr. Rumbolt.

- Well, I'm afraid I must say Mr. Rumbolt,

I find these places no substitute

for a holiday in the Isle of Levant.

- They're no substitute
for my holiday either.

- Certainly not a substitute
for the Isle of Capri.

- They're not even a substitute
for Mrs. Featherston's.

- I'm sorry I'm late.

Good evening, Mr. Grace.

- It's nice to see so many
new faces on the board.

- This is not the board, Mr. Grace.

- We've been discussing
your very generous offer

of a package holiday.

I'm sorry to have to inform
you that Captain Peacock

has seen fit to turn it down flat.

- I was only voicing the views
of my colleagues, Mr. Grace.

- In that case, you'd
better have the money.

I'll give you 50 pounds each,

and you make your own arrangement.

- I trust you're not
going to turn that down,

Captain Peacock.

- Certainly not sir, that
sounds most acceptable to me.

- That's settled.

- Thank you Mr. Grace.

- Oh yes, there's just one thing.

The decorators can't make August,

so you'll have to take the
last two weeks in November.

Last two weeks in November?

- Where can you go in
November? It's out of season.

- Oh no, it's alright.

You can all come and stay
at Mrs. Featherston's.

I have a photograph here.

- Well, there's one consolation.

If we all go to Mrs. Featherston's,

we won't have to go 40
miles to find a pot there.

♫Ground floor perfumery,

♫stationery and leather goods,

♫wigs and haberdashery

♫ kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor telephones,

♫ gents ready-made suits,

♫ shirts, socks, ties, hats,

♫ underwear and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets,

♫ travel goods and bedding,

♫ material, soft furnishings,

♫ restaurant and teas

♫ Going down!