Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Hand of Fate - full transcript
Mr. Humphries' palm reading skills are put to the test when Mr.Rumbold's position becomes available for Captain Peacock and Mrs.Slocomb and Mr.Grainger compete over his position. Believing he can foretell their futures in their hands, Mr.Humphries makes surprising predictions on behalf of each member of the staff.
♫ Ground floor perfumery
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
♫ Second floor carpets
♫ Travel goods and bedding
- 'Ere!
- I do not answer to "'ere", Mr. Mash.
- All right then, oy!
- Did you put in an order
for 27 galvanized buckets?
- And what would I be
doing in Ladies' Department
with 27 galvanized buckets?
This is Ladies'
Department, not a farmyard.
- Well, you could be milkin' a Jersey.
- Mr. Mash.
- Ah, good morning, Captain!
Sorry I can't salute you, Sir.
- I am trying to ascertain, Sir,
who ordered 27 galvanized buckets.
- Obviously nobody on this floor.
- Well Hardware denies
all knowledge of 'em.
I know, I'll try Musical Instruments.
♫ Any old time, any old time
♫ Any any any old time
- Mr. Mash, please.
- Sorry, Captain.
- Mrs. Slocombe, what should I do
with these crochet barries?
- Oh, say, oh!
We've had these for years.
I think they were a special
offer for the Jubilee.
- It says here, it's worn
by Princess Margaret Rose.
- Oh yes, oh they were very popular.
- Well if they were so popular,
how come we got so many left?
- They were only popular
with Princess Margaret Rose.
- Two and eleven pence, three farthing.
- We can't put that.
- Well with our devaluation, inflation,
desemilization, purchase tax, VAT,
oh, put "unrepeatable at 40p".
- Put "as worn by Princess
Anne, at badminton".
- You can't wear these to play badminton!
- Oh, give over.
Are you being served, Madam?
- Yeah, no, I'd like to try
one of these Princess Anne hats, please.
- Oh, certainly, Madam.
They've just come in!
- Oh, thank you!
- Oh, oh, very becoming,
isn't it Miss Brahms?
- Yes, they're all wearing
them for badminton!
- Oh no, that's supposed to be four--
- Supposed to be four pounds fifty,
but they've been reduced.
- Well that's quite reasonable
according to today's standards.
- Yes, Madam, we think so too.
- Sale, Miss Brahms.
- The combinations are pre-shrank, Sir,
but it is advisable to wash
them in lukewarm water.
- Yeah, or better still, no water at all.
My old granddad used to
send his combinations
to the dry cleaners, you know.
- Well I rinse mine in the bath,
then let the wind dry them.
- Must be pure magic in your ass.
There we are, thank you very much,
good morning, Sir.
- Thank you for your custom, Sir.
Can I help you, Sir?
- Soh!
- Soh.
Can I help you, Sir?
- Soh!
- Soh.
Um, you wantee buy?
- Soh!
- Soh!
Mr. Lucas, chop chop.
Forward, Mr. Lucas.
- Credit card!
- Ah, soh!
You, Mr. Kato, I, Peacock.
Soh!
- Soh.
This, Honorable Mr. Humpries.
- Humpfries, soh!
- Soh.
- And this, Honorable Mr. Lucas.
- Rucas, soh!
- No, no, Lucas.
Rucas.
- No, Lucas.
- You must understand, Mr. Lucas,
that this gentleman is Japanese,
and he has difficulty getting his tongue
around his Rs.
- You know, I would've thought
it was just a matter of practice.
- What does the customer
require, Captain Peacock?
- I'll try to find out.
- Yes, of course you were
out East, weren't you?
- Hm.
Whatty wantee?
- Cotafalane!
Cotafalane!
- I think the customer
wishee raincoat, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah, "laincoat!"
- Ah, soh!
Ah, soh!
- Scusee, phony-lingy.
Men's Ready
- Mr. Rumbold for Captain Peacock.
- Doesn't sound like Mr. Rumbold.
- I'm Mr. Rumbold's new
temporary secretary.
Mr. Rumbold would like to see
Captain Peacock in his office.
- In that case, I shall
acquaint Captain Peacock
with Mr. Rumbold's wishes.
- Oh, you're very obliging.
- Only to a point.
Captain Peacock, Mr.
Rumbold's office, chop chop.
- Would I please get them off.
- The letters, you wanted
me to catch the post.
- Oh yes, no, what I meant was,
what was the last thing I said in the memo
to young Mr. Grace?
- Ah,
"I am both flattered and honored
"that you are considering me
"for the vacant paste on
the beard of doctors."
- Vacant post on the Board of Directors.
- Sorry, my shorthand.
"Of course, I would
readily accept if selected.
"Signed, Yours Crawly."
- Yours truly!
- I'm sorry.
- Yes, well that will be all.
Do try to be a bit more
accurate, Miss Ainsworth.
- Yes, Mr. Rumbold.
- I want that to go off tonight,
I don't want any correspondence delayed
the way it was yesterday.
- Of course not, Mr. Rumbold.
It won't be like last night,
I promise I'll have it off before I go.
Good, well done.
You have to be very firm
with these girls these days, you know.
- You seem to be getting results.
- There, sit down, Peacock.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Now, as you probably heard, Peacock.
- Oh yes.
- Yes, as you've probably heard,
Mr. Theobold is retiring
from the Board of Directors
due to continued ill health.
- Yes, two bottles a day I believe.
- Well, that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, they've been
preparing a short list
of suitable people with the
necessary qualifications
and requirements, which
are of course drive,
experience, integrity, et cetera.
And it thought it right, only right,
that you should be the first to know,
and so that's why I sent for you.
- Well, of course it doesn't come
as a complete surprise to me, Sir.
And I need hardly add that I'm
both flattered and honored,
and if selected for the
post, would readily accept.
- Um, Captain Peacock,
I feel I should explain that I'm the one
who's being considered,
and if I do get the job,
I was intending to recommend
that you should take over here.
- I see.
- Well you don't seem
too pleased about it.
- Oh I'm not at all sure
that a clerical job is right up my street.
I do so enjoy having the
friendly personal contacts
with people, and...
On the other hand, I'm not sure
that I would entirely miss it.
- £17.50, Sir, there's your receipt,
and your credit card.
- Soh!
- Yes, oh my word.
- You've got a cross on your fate line.
- Closs, closs on flate line.
Me ready handy-pandy.
- Ah, yes.
- Yes, cross means accident.
- Yes, cross means, uh, crash.
- Crash mean clash!
- Yes, something like that.
- Me no need clash, me got credit card.
- Yes.
Go home, go home.
- Sayonara, soh.
- Yes, cuanto le gusta.
- What's all that rubbish
about a cross on his fate line?
- Well, there are certain
times when I see things.
- Oh yes, and I'm not usually wrong.
- Some Japanese kamikaze pilot
has just tripped up in me buckets
and fell down the stairs!
- No, he'll be in Haberdashery by now.
Let them deal with it.
- I think I'd better go and check.
Hurry up, Mr. Mash, show me where he is.
- Well, I warned him.
- He saw it in his hand.
- Well I saw an accident in
his hand, and I told him.
- You never!
- He did, I heard him.
- I didn't know you could read hands.
- No, it runs in the family.
My father noticed something
funny about me when I was six.
- Well go on, read mine!
- No I can't, I've got to be in the mood.
- Well you was in the mood
when you were holding
that Chinaman's hand.
- He was Japanese.
- Same thing.
- Anyway, the vibrations
have got to be right.
I'll try over lunch.
- Here, here, hey,
that nitwit that fell down the stairs
has got his head wedged
in one of my buckets!
- Oh, poor man, and so far from home.
I hope he's got an account,
'cause him and the bucket's
on the way to the hospital
and he wouldn't pay cash!
- There we are, there's a coffee.
There's only one spoon.
- Don't worry, I'll use me finger.
- Mind that you don't
melt your nail varnish.
- I prefer to use my pencil,
the taste of the wood takes
my mind off the coffee.
- Well don't rush me, I'm
trying to take the taste away
of this Scottish pie.
- I think as yesterday's
Lancashire hot pot.
- No, no, I mean when you first found out
you have this gift?
- Well, I used to have
these funny turns, you see.
When I was about 15, I had the sensation
of floating out of me body
and looking down at meself
lying in bed in me pajamas.
- Well, nothing, I was just lying there!
- Of course I've learned to
do it at will since then.
I can pop out of me body whenever I like.
- Ooh, I wish I could.
- If I had a body like
hers, I wouldn't come back.
Just a joke, just a joke, Mrs. Slocombe!
- When I first joined Grace Brothers,
Juniors weren't allowed
to sit with the Seniors.
You was...
- Oh, lost of people leave
their bodies at night,
but they don't remember it.
- I have dreams like that,
quite often I dream I'm
flying around in the air
with no clothes on, and
all my friends are looking
up at me, and I wake up
and I'm blushing all over.
- You don't wanna be embarrassed by that.
- Well it's humiliating!
- Try flying on your back.
- I often dream that I'm
wandering about the house
looking for something.
- Oh yes, fortunately, yes.
Last night on the way
back, I fell over the cat.
- You know, animals are very psychic.
I mean, the least sign of danger
and my pussy's hair stands
on end like nothing.
Better than a burglar alarm, innit?
- Go on, and it'll be
going back time soon,
so see if you can see anything.
- Right, oh you have a very
pronounced Mound of Venus.
- Mr. Lucas, one sarcasm out from you,
I go straight to Captain Peacock.
- I never said a word!
- Your heart rules your head.
Now let me see, how many
affairs have you had?
Oh yes, one, two,
that's a big one!
- I don't we want to go into the past.
What about the future?
- Well, you have a very long life line,
you'll live well past middle age.
- No, that's the present,
she wants to know
about the future!
- You know, it's all quite clear.
- Well, I can see a man at your feet.
He's tall and distinguished.
- I can't see he won't turn round.
- Why don't you pop out of your body
and go round and have a look?
- Well all I can tell you is
that he's lying at your feet.
- I said it was never too late.
- Oh, I didn't know that
Mr. Humphries was a palmist.
- Oh yeah, not only that,
he can pop out of his pajamas
whenever he feels like it?
- You know, he's seeing things in my past
that I thought only I knew about.
- There must've been
somebody else there, surely.
- Captain Peacock, why
don't you let Mr. Humphries
have a look at your hand?
- Oh, no, I don't believe
in that sort of thing.
- Oh go on, Captaiin
Peacock, unless of course
you got some terrible
secret what you want hidden.
- Oh, very well, but I only have a moment.
There.
- Oh, well look at that, born to lead.
Look at that prominent forefinger.
A very ambitious hand.
Ooh, and such a long life line,
look it goes right round
here, splits into two,
and shoots right up his sleeve.
- You're gonna die of old
age in a railway tunnel.
- Such a lot of lines.
Your head rules your heart.
- It's big enough.
- I can see an opportunity.
- Something to do with your job.
- Go on.
- Well, I see you, as it
were, climbing a ladder,
and then a door opens
and you find yourself
wearing a new hat.
- Remarkable.
- Well I wasn't going to mention this,
but this morning I was
informed that Mr. Theobold
might be leaving because of ill health.
- Two bottles a day, I'm told.
- Mm, yes.
And I was told that I should stand by
to take over Mr. Rumbold's position.
- Well, that's it!
- Climbing the ladder.
- Well, certainly taking
over for Mr. Rumbold
is a door opening.
- Yeah, and he'll definitely
have to have a new hat
because then he'll be allowed to wear
one of those stupid-looking bowlers.
- Quite remarkable.
- Now let me see the
back of your left hand.
Oh, yes.
- We're late back from lunch.
Come on.
- Oh!
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- I would like a word with you.
Not you, Mr. Lucas, this is
for Mr. Humphries' ear alone.
- Well I wanted to say, Mr. Humphries,
for the last few weeks I've been watching
the way in which you've
been handling the customers.
- Ah, well I can explain
that, Mr. Grainger, you see--
- What I am trying to say is
that I have been very impressed
with your performance in trousers.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Grainger.
- The whole point is,
that if Captain Peacock
goes up, well somebody else
has got to take over the
position as Floor Walker.
- And you are going to recommend me.
Certainly not, I'm going to recommend me.
- Well I am going to
suggest to Captain Peacock
that you take over my position.
Do you think you could cope?
- Oh, I'm sure I could, Mr. Grainger,
especially with your hand to guide me.
- And do you...
Do you think that Lucas is capable
of taking over from you?
- With my hand to guide him.
- Well, better consult him.
- Are you free, Mr. Lucas.
- Yes, you have just
caught me at a free moment,
Mr. Humphries.
- Now, Mr. Lucas, if
Mr. Rumbold takes over
for Mr. Theobold, it's very
likely that Captain Peacock
will take over for Mr. Rumbold,
in which case, Mr. Grainger may take over
from Captain Peacock,
therefore I shall take
over Mr. Grainger's duties,
which will leave my position vacant.
Do you think you could cope with it?
- Wouldn't it be simpler if
I took over for Mr. Theobold?
- It is a serious responsibility
we are discussing, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh yes, I can see that, Mr. Grainger.
I mean, after all, it
means instead of standing
in the middle of the counter here,
Mr. Humphries will have to stand
at the end of the counter there.
And instead of me standing at
the end of the counter here,
I shall have to stand in the
middle of the counter there.
It's a very big responsibility,
that, Mr. Grainger.
I don't really know if
I'm ready to cope with it.
Mind you, it's not as big a responsibility
for me standing here as
it is for Mr. Humphries
standing over there.
I don't envy you, Mr. Humphries,
I'd be a nervous wreck.
- Well let me put it
another way, Mr. Grainger,
do I get more money?
Yes.
- I'll do it.
- Very well then, I will
confer with Captain Peacock.
Oh that blasted woman's got him.
- At the moment, Mrs. Slowcombe.
- Well it's like this, Stephen.
If you do take over for Mr. Rumbold,
that would leave your position
here vacant, would it not?
- That is true, yes.
- And I'm sure you will take over,
because with your military background
and your big forefinger,
you're born to lead.
- Yes, I suppose
advancement was inevitable.
- And I suppose it'll be up to you
to recommend someone to take your place?
- No doubt it will.
- Well I think that it's
time we had a change of sex
on the floor.
- Do I understand that you're
recommending Mr. Humphries?
No, no no, no, I'm recommending me.
A woman Floor Walker?
- Captain Peacock, women are equal
to men these days you know.
- Not that equal, floor
walking has always been
a man's job in this department.
- Well I don't see why, I
mean anybody can stand there
with their nose in the air looking stupid.
- If that were all that were
required, Mrs. Slocombe,
I would recommend you without hesitation.
- Male chauvinistic pig.
- I will pretend you haven't said that.
- I didn't want the job anyway.
- Not at the moment, Mr. Humphries.
- Oh, only Captain Peacock's free.
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- Oh well, would you mind taking over
this customer, please?
- Pleasure, Mr. Grainger.
- Right, thank you.
- I've already taken his inside leg.
- Oh.
- He's looking for
something in Scottish tweed,
with broad shoulders.
- Hm, aren't we all.
- Just a moment, Mr. Grainger.
I'm free now.
- I'm delighted to hear of the possibility
of your promotion, Stephen.
- Thank, Ernest.
- Well-deserved.
- Inevitable, I should have said.
- We've known each other
for many years, Stephen.
- You're one of my closest
acquaintances, Ernest.
- Oh it's very nice of
you to say that, yes.
I take it that you will
be recommending me?
- For your job, of course.
- I, I rather doubt it.
- I think it needs a
younger man to cope with it.
All you do is just stand there
with your nose in the air.
And say "Are you free, Mr. Grainger?"
- I have to check all the bills
and make sure they're properly made out.
- Well any damn fool can do that.
- And is that the
qualification you're offering?
- Captain Peacock, as
soon as I've had my tea,
I shall bring it up in
front of Mr. Rumbold.
- I can't understand a word you're saying.
I think he wants to talk to you.
- He sounds like a Japanese
with his head stuck in a bucket.
- Oh I've no time for practical jokes,
put the receiver down.
- I think I can explain that, sir.
- Don't even start, Mr. Lucas.
- Now let's get these complaints
over quickly, shall we,
it is 5:30.
- To put it in a nutshell, Captain Peacock
doesn't fancy a lady Floor Walker.
- Well, we only have
two lady Floor Walkers,
one in Costumery, one in Haberdashery,
which one don't you fancy?
- I don't fancy one in Menswear.
- Good lord, have we got
one dressed as a man?
- I was specifically
referring to Mrs. Slocombe.
- Ah, oh so that's the complaint.
Mrs. Slocombe has been dressing as a man,
and it doesn't attract you.
I think I agree.
Don't dress as a man
anymore, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Don't be daft, I haven't
been dressing as a man.
It's just that I don't want
to be under Mr. Grainger
on the floor.
- There's no danger of that.
Captain Peacock seems to
think that I'm past it.
- I sometimes wonder if,
sitting in this office,
I'm missing something.
- If there is a vacancy to be filled,
I don't see any reason
why I shouldn't do it.
After all, I have had
15 years' experience.
- Look, when Captain
Peacock takes over your job,
we're gonna have to
have a new Floor Walker.
- Captain Peacock, my possible promotion
was supposed to be a secret.
I only got the memo about it yesterday.
- Oh no, Captain Peacock
didn't tell us about it,
see, Mr. Humphries saw
it in his hand at lunch.
- Well what were you doing with my memo
in your hand at lunch, Captain Peacock?
- He didn't have the memo, I
read the lines in his hand.
- You see, he's a palmist
who can see into the future.
- And he saw Captain
Peacock climbing a ladder,
a door opening, and him wearing a new hat.
- Which means you're
getting Mr. Theobold's job,
he's getting yours, which
is why I'm applying for his.
- Well it's by no means certain
that I am getting Mr. Theobold's job!
- Well let Gypsy Rose
Humphries read your hand
and he'll tell your future.
- You've gotta see this.
- Oh yes.
- Go on.
- He's very good.
- Oh, very well.
- Yes.
- No, not that one, that's
the one you were born with.
- I was born with them both.
- No you see, the left one
is what you start out with.
The right one is what you
make of it and of the changes.
Now let me see, ooh.
- You've had a very unhappy childhood.
- His mother kept polishing
his hair with sandpaper.
- Well I can see a cross,
that's the crossroads
in your career.
And I can see a T.
- Theobold!
- No, it's a turning point in your life.
- When is it going to happen
- Well, I can see leaves.
- In the autumn!
- Well, it's the autumn now!
- Yes, yes sir,
yes sir, I'll tell him sir.
Young Mr. Grace wants to see you
on his way out to the department.
- That could be the news.
- But we haven't tidied up yet!
- Well look sharp about it, come on.
We have Mr. Grace coming
through, that's it,
come on Mr. Lucas...
- Hurry, hurry, hurry up!
You should have seen to this, Peacock!
Come on, Mrs. Slocombe,
get those boxes away.
- I am doing, only they
go on the top shelf
in Millinery and I'm
no good on the ladder.
- Come along, Miss Brahms.
- I'm not going up there
with you down here.
- Oh, give me those hatboxes.
Come on.
- Those go on...
- A strange thing happened
to me this afternoon.
- My teabag broke.
- Oh, I am sorry Mr. Grace,
I'll speak to the catering manager.
- Oh no, no, I'm glad it broke.
Lily, the tea girl, read my tea leaves.
- Oh, I hope it was good news, that.
- Well, it was more of a warning.
It said, "Beware of a
bald-headed man with big ears."
So you're not getting the job.
Carry on, everybody,
you've all done very well!
A fine fortune teller you are!
- Well, it wasn't far wrong,
I mean I mentioned the leaves, didn't I?
And that cup of tea could've
been the turning point
- No, he's been turned down.
- And what about Mrs. Slocombe
with her man at her feet,
and old Peacock going up a
ladder with a door opening
and all that rubbish about
him being in a new act?
- Well I can't be right all the time.
Come on, let's tell Peacock about Rumbold.
Peacock?
- Don't open the door!
Oh, oh dear!
- I think this will be a very good time
for me to leave my body.
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
♫ Second floor carpets
♫ Travel goods and bedding
- 'Ere!
- I do not answer to "'ere", Mr. Mash.
- All right then, oy!
- Did you put in an order
for 27 galvanized buckets?
- And what would I be
doing in Ladies' Department
with 27 galvanized buckets?
This is Ladies'
Department, not a farmyard.
- Well, you could be milkin' a Jersey.
- Mr. Mash.
- Ah, good morning, Captain!
Sorry I can't salute you, Sir.
- I am trying to ascertain, Sir,
who ordered 27 galvanized buckets.
- Obviously nobody on this floor.
- Well Hardware denies
all knowledge of 'em.
I know, I'll try Musical Instruments.
♫ Any old time, any old time
♫ Any any any old time
- Mr. Mash, please.
- Sorry, Captain.
- Mrs. Slocombe, what should I do
with these crochet barries?
- Oh, say, oh!
We've had these for years.
I think they were a special
offer for the Jubilee.
- It says here, it's worn
by Princess Margaret Rose.
- Oh yes, oh they were very popular.
- Well if they were so popular,
how come we got so many left?
- They were only popular
with Princess Margaret Rose.
- Two and eleven pence, three farthing.
- We can't put that.
- Well with our devaluation, inflation,
desemilization, purchase tax, VAT,
oh, put "unrepeatable at 40p".
- Put "as worn by Princess
Anne, at badminton".
- You can't wear these to play badminton!
- Oh, give over.
Are you being served, Madam?
- Yeah, no, I'd like to try
one of these Princess Anne hats, please.
- Oh, certainly, Madam.
They've just come in!
- Oh, thank you!
- Oh, oh, very becoming,
isn't it Miss Brahms?
- Yes, they're all wearing
them for badminton!
- Oh no, that's supposed to be four--
- Supposed to be four pounds fifty,
but they've been reduced.
- Well that's quite reasonable
according to today's standards.
- Yes, Madam, we think so too.
- Sale, Miss Brahms.
- The combinations are pre-shrank, Sir,
but it is advisable to wash
them in lukewarm water.
- Yeah, or better still, no water at all.
My old granddad used to
send his combinations
to the dry cleaners, you know.
- Well I rinse mine in the bath,
then let the wind dry them.
- Must be pure magic in your ass.
There we are, thank you very much,
good morning, Sir.
- Thank you for your custom, Sir.
Can I help you, Sir?
- Soh!
- Soh.
Can I help you, Sir?
- Soh!
- Soh.
Um, you wantee buy?
- Soh!
- Soh!
Mr. Lucas, chop chop.
Forward, Mr. Lucas.
- Credit card!
- Ah, soh!
You, Mr. Kato, I, Peacock.
Soh!
- Soh.
This, Honorable Mr. Humpries.
- Humpfries, soh!
- Soh.
- And this, Honorable Mr. Lucas.
- Rucas, soh!
- No, no, Lucas.
Rucas.
- No, Lucas.
- You must understand, Mr. Lucas,
that this gentleman is Japanese,
and he has difficulty getting his tongue
around his Rs.
- You know, I would've thought
it was just a matter of practice.
- What does the customer
require, Captain Peacock?
- I'll try to find out.
- Yes, of course you were
out East, weren't you?
- Hm.
Whatty wantee?
- Cotafalane!
Cotafalane!
- I think the customer
wishee raincoat, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah, "laincoat!"
- Ah, soh!
Ah, soh!
- Scusee, phony-lingy.
Men's Ready
- Mr. Rumbold for Captain Peacock.
- Doesn't sound like Mr. Rumbold.
- I'm Mr. Rumbold's new
temporary secretary.
Mr. Rumbold would like to see
Captain Peacock in his office.
- In that case, I shall
acquaint Captain Peacock
with Mr. Rumbold's wishes.
- Oh, you're very obliging.
- Only to a point.
Captain Peacock, Mr.
Rumbold's office, chop chop.
- Would I please get them off.
- The letters, you wanted
me to catch the post.
- Oh yes, no, what I meant was,
what was the last thing I said in the memo
to young Mr. Grace?
- Ah,
"I am both flattered and honored
"that you are considering me
"for the vacant paste on
the beard of doctors."
- Vacant post on the Board of Directors.
- Sorry, my shorthand.
"Of course, I would
readily accept if selected.
"Signed, Yours Crawly."
- Yours truly!
- I'm sorry.
- Yes, well that will be all.
Do try to be a bit more
accurate, Miss Ainsworth.
- Yes, Mr. Rumbold.
- I want that to go off tonight,
I don't want any correspondence delayed
the way it was yesterday.
- Of course not, Mr. Rumbold.
It won't be like last night,
I promise I'll have it off before I go.
Good, well done.
You have to be very firm
with these girls these days, you know.
- You seem to be getting results.
- There, sit down, Peacock.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Now, as you probably heard, Peacock.
- Oh yes.
- Yes, as you've probably heard,
Mr. Theobold is retiring
from the Board of Directors
due to continued ill health.
- Yes, two bottles a day I believe.
- Well, that's neither here nor there.
Anyway, they've been
preparing a short list
of suitable people with the
necessary qualifications
and requirements, which
are of course drive,
experience, integrity, et cetera.
And it thought it right, only right,
that you should be the first to know,
and so that's why I sent for you.
- Well, of course it doesn't come
as a complete surprise to me, Sir.
And I need hardly add that I'm
both flattered and honored,
and if selected for the
post, would readily accept.
- Um, Captain Peacock,
I feel I should explain that I'm the one
who's being considered,
and if I do get the job,
I was intending to recommend
that you should take over here.
- I see.
- Well you don't seem
too pleased about it.
- Oh I'm not at all sure
that a clerical job is right up my street.
I do so enjoy having the
friendly personal contacts
with people, and...
On the other hand, I'm not sure
that I would entirely miss it.
- £17.50, Sir, there's your receipt,
and your credit card.
- Soh!
- Yes, oh my word.
- You've got a cross on your fate line.
- Closs, closs on flate line.
Me ready handy-pandy.
- Ah, yes.
- Yes, cross means accident.
- Yes, cross means, uh, crash.
- Crash mean clash!
- Yes, something like that.
- Me no need clash, me got credit card.
- Yes.
Go home, go home.
- Sayonara, soh.
- Yes, cuanto le gusta.
- What's all that rubbish
about a cross on his fate line?
- Well, there are certain
times when I see things.
- Oh yes, and I'm not usually wrong.
- Some Japanese kamikaze pilot
has just tripped up in me buckets
and fell down the stairs!
- No, he'll be in Haberdashery by now.
Let them deal with it.
- I think I'd better go and check.
Hurry up, Mr. Mash, show me where he is.
- Well, I warned him.
- He saw it in his hand.
- Well I saw an accident in
his hand, and I told him.
- You never!
- He did, I heard him.
- I didn't know you could read hands.
- No, it runs in the family.
My father noticed something
funny about me when I was six.
- Well go on, read mine!
- No I can't, I've got to be in the mood.
- Well you was in the mood
when you were holding
that Chinaman's hand.
- He was Japanese.
- Same thing.
- Anyway, the vibrations
have got to be right.
I'll try over lunch.
- Here, here, hey,
that nitwit that fell down the stairs
has got his head wedged
in one of my buckets!
- Oh, poor man, and so far from home.
I hope he's got an account,
'cause him and the bucket's
on the way to the hospital
and he wouldn't pay cash!
- There we are, there's a coffee.
There's only one spoon.
- Don't worry, I'll use me finger.
- Mind that you don't
melt your nail varnish.
- I prefer to use my pencil,
the taste of the wood takes
my mind off the coffee.
- Well don't rush me, I'm
trying to take the taste away
of this Scottish pie.
- I think as yesterday's
Lancashire hot pot.
- No, no, I mean when you first found out
you have this gift?
- Well, I used to have
these funny turns, you see.
When I was about 15, I had the sensation
of floating out of me body
and looking down at meself
lying in bed in me pajamas.
- Well, nothing, I was just lying there!
- Of course I've learned to
do it at will since then.
I can pop out of me body whenever I like.
- Ooh, I wish I could.
- If I had a body like
hers, I wouldn't come back.
Just a joke, just a joke, Mrs. Slocombe!
- When I first joined Grace Brothers,
Juniors weren't allowed
to sit with the Seniors.
You was...
- Oh, lost of people leave
their bodies at night,
but they don't remember it.
- I have dreams like that,
quite often I dream I'm
flying around in the air
with no clothes on, and
all my friends are looking
up at me, and I wake up
and I'm blushing all over.
- You don't wanna be embarrassed by that.
- Well it's humiliating!
- Try flying on your back.
- I often dream that I'm
wandering about the house
looking for something.
- Oh yes, fortunately, yes.
Last night on the way
back, I fell over the cat.
- You know, animals are very psychic.
I mean, the least sign of danger
and my pussy's hair stands
on end like nothing.
Better than a burglar alarm, innit?
- Go on, and it'll be
going back time soon,
so see if you can see anything.
- Right, oh you have a very
pronounced Mound of Venus.
- Mr. Lucas, one sarcasm out from you,
I go straight to Captain Peacock.
- I never said a word!
- Your heart rules your head.
Now let me see, how many
affairs have you had?
Oh yes, one, two,
that's a big one!
- I don't we want to go into the past.
What about the future?
- Well, you have a very long life line,
you'll live well past middle age.
- No, that's the present,
she wants to know
about the future!
- You know, it's all quite clear.
- Well, I can see a man at your feet.
He's tall and distinguished.
- I can't see he won't turn round.
- Why don't you pop out of your body
and go round and have a look?
- Well all I can tell you is
that he's lying at your feet.
- I said it was never too late.
- Oh, I didn't know that
Mr. Humphries was a palmist.
- Oh yeah, not only that,
he can pop out of his pajamas
whenever he feels like it?
- You know, he's seeing things in my past
that I thought only I knew about.
- There must've been
somebody else there, surely.
- Captain Peacock, why
don't you let Mr. Humphries
have a look at your hand?
- Oh, no, I don't believe
in that sort of thing.
- Oh go on, Captaiin
Peacock, unless of course
you got some terrible
secret what you want hidden.
- Oh, very well, but I only have a moment.
There.
- Oh, well look at that, born to lead.
Look at that prominent forefinger.
A very ambitious hand.
Ooh, and such a long life line,
look it goes right round
here, splits into two,
and shoots right up his sleeve.
- You're gonna die of old
age in a railway tunnel.
- Such a lot of lines.
Your head rules your heart.
- It's big enough.
- I can see an opportunity.
- Something to do with your job.
- Go on.
- Well, I see you, as it
were, climbing a ladder,
and then a door opens
and you find yourself
wearing a new hat.
- Remarkable.
- Well I wasn't going to mention this,
but this morning I was
informed that Mr. Theobold
might be leaving because of ill health.
- Two bottles a day, I'm told.
- Mm, yes.
And I was told that I should stand by
to take over Mr. Rumbold's position.
- Well, that's it!
- Climbing the ladder.
- Well, certainly taking
over for Mr. Rumbold
is a door opening.
- Yeah, and he'll definitely
have to have a new hat
because then he'll be allowed to wear
one of those stupid-looking bowlers.
- Quite remarkable.
- Now let me see the
back of your left hand.
Oh, yes.
- We're late back from lunch.
Come on.
- Oh!
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- I would like a word with you.
Not you, Mr. Lucas, this is
for Mr. Humphries' ear alone.
- Well I wanted to say, Mr. Humphries,
for the last few weeks I've been watching
the way in which you've
been handling the customers.
- Ah, well I can explain
that, Mr. Grainger, you see--
- What I am trying to say is
that I have been very impressed
with your performance in trousers.
- Oh, thank you, Mr. Grainger.
- The whole point is,
that if Captain Peacock
goes up, well somebody else
has got to take over the
position as Floor Walker.
- And you are going to recommend me.
Certainly not, I'm going to recommend me.
- Well I am going to
suggest to Captain Peacock
that you take over my position.
Do you think you could cope?
- Oh, I'm sure I could, Mr. Grainger,
especially with your hand to guide me.
- And do you...
Do you think that Lucas is capable
of taking over from you?
- With my hand to guide him.
- Well, better consult him.
- Are you free, Mr. Lucas.
- Yes, you have just
caught me at a free moment,
Mr. Humphries.
- Now, Mr. Lucas, if
Mr. Rumbold takes over
for Mr. Theobold, it's very
likely that Captain Peacock
will take over for Mr. Rumbold,
in which case, Mr. Grainger may take over
from Captain Peacock,
therefore I shall take
over Mr. Grainger's duties,
which will leave my position vacant.
Do you think you could cope with it?
- Wouldn't it be simpler if
I took over for Mr. Theobold?
- It is a serious responsibility
we are discussing, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh yes, I can see that, Mr. Grainger.
I mean, after all, it
means instead of standing
in the middle of the counter here,
Mr. Humphries will have to stand
at the end of the counter there.
And instead of me standing at
the end of the counter here,
I shall have to stand in the
middle of the counter there.
It's a very big responsibility,
that, Mr. Grainger.
I don't really know if
I'm ready to cope with it.
Mind you, it's not as big a responsibility
for me standing here as
it is for Mr. Humphries
standing over there.
I don't envy you, Mr. Humphries,
I'd be a nervous wreck.
- Well let me put it
another way, Mr. Grainger,
do I get more money?
Yes.
- I'll do it.
- Very well then, I will
confer with Captain Peacock.
Oh that blasted woman's got him.
- At the moment, Mrs. Slowcombe.
- Well it's like this, Stephen.
If you do take over for Mr. Rumbold,
that would leave your position
here vacant, would it not?
- That is true, yes.
- And I'm sure you will take over,
because with your military background
and your big forefinger,
you're born to lead.
- Yes, I suppose
advancement was inevitable.
- And I suppose it'll be up to you
to recommend someone to take your place?
- No doubt it will.
- Well I think that it's
time we had a change of sex
on the floor.
- Do I understand that you're
recommending Mr. Humphries?
No, no no, no, I'm recommending me.
A woman Floor Walker?
- Captain Peacock, women are equal
to men these days you know.
- Not that equal, floor
walking has always been
a man's job in this department.
- Well I don't see why, I
mean anybody can stand there
with their nose in the air looking stupid.
- If that were all that were
required, Mrs. Slocombe,
I would recommend you without hesitation.
- Male chauvinistic pig.
- I will pretend you haven't said that.
- I didn't want the job anyway.
- Not at the moment, Mr. Humphries.
- Oh, only Captain Peacock's free.
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- Oh well, would you mind taking over
this customer, please?
- Pleasure, Mr. Grainger.
- Right, thank you.
- I've already taken his inside leg.
- Oh.
- He's looking for
something in Scottish tweed,
with broad shoulders.
- Hm, aren't we all.
- Just a moment, Mr. Grainger.
I'm free now.
- I'm delighted to hear of the possibility
of your promotion, Stephen.
- Thank, Ernest.
- Well-deserved.
- Inevitable, I should have said.
- We've known each other
for many years, Stephen.
- You're one of my closest
acquaintances, Ernest.
- Oh it's very nice of
you to say that, yes.
I take it that you will
be recommending me?
- For your job, of course.
- I, I rather doubt it.
- I think it needs a
younger man to cope with it.
All you do is just stand there
with your nose in the air.
And say "Are you free, Mr. Grainger?"
- I have to check all the bills
and make sure they're properly made out.
- Well any damn fool can do that.
- And is that the
qualification you're offering?
- Captain Peacock, as
soon as I've had my tea,
I shall bring it up in
front of Mr. Rumbold.
- I can't understand a word you're saying.
I think he wants to talk to you.
- He sounds like a Japanese
with his head stuck in a bucket.
- Oh I've no time for practical jokes,
put the receiver down.
- I think I can explain that, sir.
- Don't even start, Mr. Lucas.
- Now let's get these complaints
over quickly, shall we,
it is 5:30.
- To put it in a nutshell, Captain Peacock
doesn't fancy a lady Floor Walker.
- Well, we only have
two lady Floor Walkers,
one in Costumery, one in Haberdashery,
which one don't you fancy?
- I don't fancy one in Menswear.
- Good lord, have we got
one dressed as a man?
- I was specifically
referring to Mrs. Slocombe.
- Ah, oh so that's the complaint.
Mrs. Slocombe has been dressing as a man,
and it doesn't attract you.
I think I agree.
Don't dress as a man
anymore, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Don't be daft, I haven't
been dressing as a man.
It's just that I don't want
to be under Mr. Grainger
on the floor.
- There's no danger of that.
Captain Peacock seems to
think that I'm past it.
- I sometimes wonder if,
sitting in this office,
I'm missing something.
- If there is a vacancy to be filled,
I don't see any reason
why I shouldn't do it.
After all, I have had
15 years' experience.
- Look, when Captain
Peacock takes over your job,
we're gonna have to
have a new Floor Walker.
- Captain Peacock, my possible promotion
was supposed to be a secret.
I only got the memo about it yesterday.
- Oh no, Captain Peacock
didn't tell us about it,
see, Mr. Humphries saw
it in his hand at lunch.
- Well what were you doing with my memo
in your hand at lunch, Captain Peacock?
- He didn't have the memo, I
read the lines in his hand.
- You see, he's a palmist
who can see into the future.
- And he saw Captain
Peacock climbing a ladder,
a door opening, and him wearing a new hat.
- Which means you're
getting Mr. Theobold's job,
he's getting yours, which
is why I'm applying for his.
- Well it's by no means certain
that I am getting Mr. Theobold's job!
- Well let Gypsy Rose
Humphries read your hand
and he'll tell your future.
- You've gotta see this.
- Oh yes.
- Go on.
- He's very good.
- Oh, very well.
- Yes.
- No, not that one, that's
the one you were born with.
- I was born with them both.
- No you see, the left one
is what you start out with.
The right one is what you
make of it and of the changes.
Now let me see, ooh.
- You've had a very unhappy childhood.
- His mother kept polishing
his hair with sandpaper.
- Well I can see a cross,
that's the crossroads
in your career.
And I can see a T.
- Theobold!
- No, it's a turning point in your life.
- When is it going to happen
- Well, I can see leaves.
- In the autumn!
- Well, it's the autumn now!
- Yes, yes sir,
yes sir, I'll tell him sir.
Young Mr. Grace wants to see you
on his way out to the department.
- That could be the news.
- But we haven't tidied up yet!
- Well look sharp about it, come on.
We have Mr. Grace coming
through, that's it,
come on Mr. Lucas...
- Hurry, hurry, hurry up!
You should have seen to this, Peacock!
Come on, Mrs. Slocombe,
get those boxes away.
- I am doing, only they
go on the top shelf
in Millinery and I'm
no good on the ladder.
- Come along, Miss Brahms.
- I'm not going up there
with you down here.
- Oh, give me those hatboxes.
Come on.
- Those go on...
- A strange thing happened
to me this afternoon.
- My teabag broke.
- Oh, I am sorry Mr. Grace,
I'll speak to the catering manager.
- Oh no, no, I'm glad it broke.
Lily, the tea girl, read my tea leaves.
- Oh, I hope it was good news, that.
- Well, it was more of a warning.
It said, "Beware of a
bald-headed man with big ears."
So you're not getting the job.
Carry on, everybody,
you've all done very well!
A fine fortune teller you are!
- Well, it wasn't far wrong,
I mean I mentioned the leaves, didn't I?
And that cup of tea could've
been the turning point
- No, he's been turned down.
- And what about Mrs. Slocombe
with her man at her feet,
and old Peacock going up a
ladder with a door opening
and all that rubbish about
him being in a new act?
- Well I can't be right all the time.
Come on, let's tell Peacock about Rumbold.
Peacock?
- Don't open the door!
Oh, oh dear!
- I think this will be a very good time
for me to leave my body.