Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 2, Episode 4 - Big Brother - full transcript

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes

- There you are, madam,
plenty of give in the leg.

And completely draft proof.

- No, I don't think I fancy them.

- Very few people do.

But they're very practical
in this chilly weather.

Of course, it's for madam to decide.

It's either cold and interesting,



or warm and safe in these.

- I'm afraid not, madam.

You've seen everything we've got.

That's right, isn't it, Miss Brahms?

- Yes, why doesn't
madam come back tomorrow

and look at them again?

- Yes, yes, I think I'll do that.

- You don't want to
rush into these things.

- Can't imagine anyone
wanting to rush into these.

- Thank you, goodbye.

- Goodbye madam, thank you so much.

Fussy old bag.

- Honestly, I can't
understand why people want

to buy old fashioned underwear like this.



I mean, that's not going to
turn her old man on, is it?

- Perhaps she wants to turn him off.

- Mr. Lucas.

- Am I correct in saying
that at Grace Brothers

we do not close until 5:30.

- Quite correct, sir.

- My watch, which is
never wrong, says 17:28.

- Ah, they knew how to make
watches in those days, sir.

- Don't be facetious, Lucas.

- Well, it's actually 5:30
by the department clock, sir,

and that's the one I set mine by, you see.

- Depends what you had
in mind, Captain Peacock.

Well, I make it 25 past
something or other.

I must get a new tail for my Mickey Mouse.

- As there appears to be a
discrepancy in your timepieces,

perhaps it would be as
well to take an example

from your department head, Mr. Granger.

- Goodnight, Captain Peacock.

- Goodnight, Captain Peacock.

- I must be slow, that's unusual for me.

- Ah, well I was waiting until 5:30, sir,

by your watch, that is.

- You seem in a great hurry
to get away, Captain Peacock.

Uh, could we all stay
behind for a moment please?

Ah, Mr. Granger.

- Mr. Granger.

- Once those lift doors open,
you'll never see him again.

- Allow me.

Mr. Granger, you've left
your wallet on the counter.

- You're wanted at the counter.

- I hope this isn't going
to take long, Mr. Rumbold.

It's my launderette night,
and if I'm not there

at half past six, all the
apparatus is otherwise engaged.

- Won't take a minute, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You won't needing me, I
presume, I have a do on tonight.

- Oh, please, bear with
me, Captain Peacock,

this won't take a moment.

- It's already taken a moment.

- Well, if we're all here, Mr. Rumbold

has a very brief announcement to make.

- I'm sorry to say that
shoplifting is on the increase.

This year alone, stock
worth millions of pounds

has been pilfered from
stores all over the country,

and we at Grace Brothers are not immune.

- Indeed not.

- Only this morning,
Mrs. Slocombe informed me

that she'd had a skirt lifted.

- Some people have all the luck.

- And I seem to remember that Miss Brahms

lost something last week.

- It wasn't me.

- You know, on the other day,
a customer reached across

the counter and put his
hands in my fairisle drawers.

He said he was going to pay.

- Yes, well, I've got a man
to hand that sort of thing.

- Oh, nice.

- May I introduce Mr. Clegg,

late of the CID,

who is going to take over security

and try out some new
anti-pilfering devices.

Mr. Clegg.

- Evening, all.

Now I won't keep you all a moment.

- Oo, not another moment.

- What I'm instigating is as follows.

We shall maintain a constant surveillance

in the most anonymous manner possible,

aided by the latest electronic device

in the shape of a hidden
camera or cameras.

Is that clear?

- Yes, most.

Goodnight, everybody.

- Mr. Granger, we haven't finished.

- Oh, get on with it.

- This department has been
chosen as a guinea pig.

And if this method proves successful,

then the whole store will
be similarly equipped.

- An excellent idea, sir.

Well, if that's all.

- Captain Peacock.

- Yes, sir.

Now before you all go ...

- Part of the new procedure will be

a series of random baggage checks.

- Well, you won't need the men.

- We need everyone, sir, all personnel.

- Oh, very well, let's get on with it.

All I've got in here is my laundry,

and if I don't go soon
I shan't get a dryer.

- Yeah, well, if you don't
mind, missus, uh, madam,

I'd just like to check the
veracity of that statement.

- Well, really!

- That will do, Miss Brahms.

- There's certainly nothing
new here, thank you, madam.

- Oh, really.

Fancy having you grope
about in my underwear.

How humiliating.

- Yes, and it's paid for.

- You would mind opening
it for me, please.

- All that's in here is my working bra.

- For the moment.

- Yes, you can go, Miss Brahms.

- My two assistants and I
have nothing to declare,

so I suppose we can go.

- Of course.

- Excuse me, sir, what's that
suspicious looking bulge?

- In you pocket, sir.

May I see it, please?

- Why, it's never bothered you before.

- If you must know, it's my orange.

- My orange.

I always eat one on the train.

It's the only way you can
get a seat to yourself.

- I see, sir.

Alright, off you go then.

Now, Mr. Peacock.

- Captain, and I am not a sales assistant,

I am the floor walker.

- Well, he's not limited like us.

He can nip about and nick things

from either department, you see.

- If you don't mind, sir, the
suitcase, up on the counter.

- I do this under protest.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you mind?

This is private.

- He's got the cut-up body
of his landlady in there.

- Allow me, sir, please.

Hello, hello.

- Oh, it's rattles.

- I can explain.

- That's what they all say.

- This may sound rather a cliche,

but I was on my way to a
regimental fancy dress ball

given by the Queen's Own.

- Wish I'd been invited.

- This is all from a theatrical costumer.

Nothing at all from Grace Brothers.

- I see.

I suppose that does have a
slight ring to truth about it.

Thank you.

- Well, I think we've all learned

the most valuable lesson from this.

One simply can't be too careful.

Now, I must run or I shall miss my train.

- Just a moment, sir.

Is that your scarf?

- Yes, of course it is, I always wear it.

I catch cold if I don't.

- Strange, sir, still got
its price tag left on it.

- So it has.

I must have picked it up by accident.

Now, how could that have happened?

- Perhaps you'd better come along

and explain it to me in your office.

- Yes.

- Like I say, it's always
the one you least suspect.

- Morning, Mr. Rumbold.

- Morning.

- Coffee on the desk there.

- Ah.

- Hear you got nicked last
night pinching a scarf.

- Misunderstanding.

- Oh, yes.

- Well, just making sure
it's properly connected.

I was here all night 'elping 'em

with them 'idden cameras, you know.

- I didn't know that you were conversant

with electronic equipment.

I was fakin' the tea.

Nice bit of overtime, that was.

'Ere, 'ow does this work, then?

- Well, I've had it all explained to me.

It's just like a normal television set.

- Go on.

- Well, one switches on here,

and then by pressing
these different knobs,

you can keep an eye open for shoplifters.

The store's open, let's
see what's going on.

- Hey, we just missed
them going on, didn't we?

- I must speak to Peacock about this.

- She ain't 'alf givin' 'im a mouthful.

Pity there's no sound.

- Well, there is somewhere.

Ah.

- You ought to have them cut off.

- His hands.

He's like an octopus,
they're all over the place.

- Oh, I know, and so cold.

- Let's check the men's counter.

- Yeah, let's check the men's counter.

Sound's gone up the spout.

- I don't understand it, it's on full.

- I had raspberry jam for breakfast.

Bits have gone under my plate.

I shall have to take it out.

- I don't think we want to see that.

- Ugh, like a horror movie.

Hey, what's that then?

What?

Well, it looks like smoke.

- Oh let's, let's see.

This is serious, this
is very serious indeed.

- It is.

I thought he'd given it up.

- That will do, Mr. Mash.

- All right, Mr. Rumbold.

'Ere, I 'ope you 'aven't got
one of these down in my cellar,

'cause we still ain't
got a door on the carsey.

- Yes, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Lucas.

What's up, what's up?

- You're wanted in the office.

- Someone has seen you smoking,
and as your senior here

I should have told you to put it out.

- Quite right, Humphries, good man.

- You never know when old
jug-ears is snooping round.

- Wish me luck.

What'll I do with this.

Allow me, waste not, want not.

I've been dying for a puff all day.

- Hmm.

- A raincoat and some underwear.

We can manage that, Mr. Humphries, can we?

- I'm with you, sir.

- Yes, you'll deal with the
raincoat, Mr. Humphries,

and I will deal with the underwear.

- Yes, Mr. Granger.

- I think I can show you
something nice and warm, sir.

- Do you mean to say that with
the aid of that thing there

you've been spying on us?

- Not spying, Mr. Lucas.

I was just testing out the
anti-pilfering equipment,

and happened to observe you smoking,

which is against the rules.

- Well, I consider that
an invasion of my privacy.

- Nevertheless, you
shouldn't have been smoking.

- No, well, it's, it's
my nerves, you see, sir.

- Yes, you see, my mother's
away for the night,

and its the first time, well I ...

I haven't been left alone
before since I was that high.

- You're not nervous of
being alone, are you?

- Yes, that's why I've
asked Miss Brahms over.

- Oh, yes, she's coming
over to cook my supper.

- Well, I think that's most
public-spirited of her.

- Yes, then she's agreed to
spend the night in a spare room.

- Well, that's where I sleep.

Me mother might come back.

- Well then, what you do outside
here is no concern of mine.

I just don't want to see
you smoking on the floor.

- Oh, don't worry, you
won't see me again, sir.

Which part of the floor
can't you see from up here?

- Well, with these hidden cameras,

I can cover most of the men's,

and the essential areas of the ladies'.

Look.

Miss
Brahms, customer waiting.

- Just checking the stock, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Yes, I see what you mean.

That's typically feminine, isn't it?

Trying to pull the wool over me eyes.

That will be all, Mr. Lucas.

Are you sure, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, you remember what Mr. Clegg said.

And you can tell they're working

when the little light goes on.

Apparently, Mr. Lucas saw Miss Brahms ...

You know, I wondered about them.

We shall have to keep
on our toes, shan't we?

I wonder if Mrs. Slocombe's aware of this.

By the way, where are they?

- Oh, the usual place, they're about ...

You mean the cameras.

Look, they're up there.

Oh, we're on.

Oh, wish it was over there,
this is my best side.

- Good morning.

- Is my hair all right
at the back, Miss Brahms?

- You keep asking me that.

I tell you, it's wonderful.

- It's like being on
Candid Camera, isn't it?

- Well, I don't think it's right,

them being able to hear
what we say as well.

- Oh, I don't let it affect me.

(with overly cultured
accent) Good morning, madam.

Can I be of assistance?

- Oh, certainly, madam.

Would madam mind standing
a little to madam's right?

A bit more.

Scarves, madam?

Any particular color?

- Mr. Mash.

- You're not supposed to
be on the floor after 9:30.

- Ah, well, I was putting me
best suit on, you see, sir.

You got to look for the telly, ain't ya?

Where's the camera then?

- Be off with you, Mr. Mash.

I don't want to have to tell you again.

- I like that, that was very good.

"Be off with you."

Here, do you want to do it
once more in case he missed it?

Sort of an action replay, you know?

Go on, go on, go on, go on.

- Please leave the floor.

- Certainly, Captain Peacock.

- Now look what Mr. Mash has done.

- Mrs. Slocombe's come back at last.

Make a note, make a note.

Four visits to the powder room.

- Yes, sir.

- Granger's eating a pie now.

A pork pie.

- Pork pie.

- It's amazing what you
can see with this thing.

- Hmm, about the only
thing you haven't spotted

so far is a shoplifter.

- Well, don't you worry,

if there is one, I'll soon spot him.

- You mean to say that
you haven't told her

that you sleep in the spare room?

- Well, not yet, no.

I was sort of saving it up.

- She might be, too.

Don't look now, but--

- Don't look now, but there's
a very suspicious character

in the 42 longs.

- Over there.

Hey, a pound to a penny
it's a, it's a shoplifter.

- Mr. Granger must be alerted.

- Yes sir, well I'm sure
that you will be happy

with the two silk jods,
the four pairs of socks,

and the cashmere sweater,

and I must say that I am delighted

that you are so pleased with
the efficiency of the store.

- Mr. Granger.

- Would you mind coming
round the other side?

- Mr. Granger, something very
suspicious in the trousers.

- Did I hear you aright, Mr. Humphries.

- Yes, over here.

- Mr. Granger, Mr. Granger.

That fellow over there in the mustache,

I think he's a petty pilferer,

I'm sure he's going to nick something.

You mean
the man with the case?

- Spot on, first time.

- In the ladies'.

- There we are, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Thank you so much, Captain Peacock.

Wasn't I lucky, being able to sell

two pairs of tights and
the green chantal dress

from a line that's been discontinued,

not to mention the bras
and a box of handkerchiefs.

- Yes, indeed.

And my opinion, which
the customer asked for,

without doubt clinched the sale.

- Good day, Mrs. Slocombe.

I'm sorry to trouble you, Captain Peacock,

but I think we have a petty
pilferer in my department.

- He's got a cap, a
mustache, and a suitcase.

- Over there, 44 longs.

- Oo, oo I wouldn't like to
meet 'im on a dark night.

- Oh, I don't know.

- Are you, uh, are you going
to tackle him, Captain Peacock?

- Well, uh, we can't do
anything unless we're

sure he's taken something.

- Well, he's taking something now.

Look, he's got a jacket out.

- He's, just looking at it.

- He's opening his case.

- He's putting it in.

- He's shutting it.

- It's an open and shut
case, Captain Peacock.

- Well, uh, right then.

Are you behind me?

- Right behind you, Captain Peacock.

Although a little way back.

- Nonsense.

- I can see it now.

Despite fatal gunshot wound,

fearless floorwalker saves 42 long.

That should make the front
page of the Tailor and Cutter.

- Well, go on, tackle him.

- Of course, I mean, we,
we, we, we must be sure

that's he's not going
to put, to put it back.

- Oo, you're as weak as water.

Weak as water!

- Careful.

- Hey, you!

- Oh, the man's mustache has come off.

- Oh, it's the store detective.

- I did advise caution.

- The reason Mr. Clegg took the jacket

was to test the efficiency of the cameras

and the alertness of the staff.

Now, owing to your
over-enthusiasm, there may be

legal proceedings when
he comes out of hospital.

A hand on the arm would have been enough.

- I did all I could to restrain them, sir,

but Mr. Granger was so sure.

- Yeah, so I saw.

But what worries me more than anything

is the general laxity of the department.

I've got some notes here.

Mrs. Slocombe, seven
visits to the powder room.

- It's been very chilly.

- Mr. Granger, 11:45,

one sandwich eaten in the fitting room.

12:30, a pork pie behind the sock counter.

Mr. Humphries, a long
personal telephone call

with customers waiting.

- To a sick friend.

- At the stage door of
the Sadler's Wells Ballet?

- He's sick.

- Mr. Lucas, four minutes
late back from lunch.

- I went to lunch four minutes late.

- You disappeared from that
screen at precise 1:00 p.m.

- Ah, yes, that's when I bent
down to tie up my shoelace.

But after I popped up again,
I served another customer.

You probably didn't notice.

You were probably having another look at

Miss Brahms adjusting her
cotton wool, I expect.

- Nothing, nothing.

- That's voyeurism, that is.

- It's private.

Well, it was private.

- I feel I must agree
with Mr. Rumbold that, uh,

there has been far too
much laxity of late.

- I'm glad you agree, Captain Peacock.

You were observed to pat
Miss Brahms' nether regions

shortly after the store opened.

- Yes, I meant to complain about that.

- You may be lucky tomorrow.

- Nevertheless, I, I do feel that this is

an invasion of one's privacy.

- That's exactly what
I thought at the time.

- It all smacks very
much of George Orwell.

- Are you trying to say
someone else did it?

- I'm trying to say, sir,
that the use of cameras

has an adverse effect on the
running of the department.

One tends to become camera conscious.

- Well, you're just going
to have to get used to it,

because I shall be watching you.

- Lower your voice.

Are you sure we're safe here?

- Listen, those cameras
have got to go, right?

Now, I've had a word with the ladies,

and they've agreed to help.

- Well, you know how much of a
hypochondriac old Rumbold is.

Well, what I thought was ...

Miss Brahms, I want

a word with you about Mr. Rumbold.

Yes?

- Did you notice how he looked
when he was telling us off?

- Oh, yes, 'cause I've
seen that look before.

My uncle 'ad it just before 'e went.

- Very drawn under the eyes.

Yes.

I wonder if anyone else noticed it?

- Oh, I don't suppose so.

I mean, you only see it if
you look really closely.

I mean, it would take a
doctor to really tell.

I wonder what Mr. Lucas

and Mr. Humphries are
looking so worried about?

- Poor old Mr. Rumbold.

It won't seem the same without him.

Although, I have seen that look before.

- You don't think he knows and he's just

bravely hiding it from us?

- No, not him.

He'd come out and make an announcement.

He'd come out and he'd say,

"I've been called, I've
been called," he'd say,

"to that great boardroom in the sky.

"Now carry on to the end."

- Yes, of course, that's
the sort of man he was.

Well, I mean, still is.

- Ah, well, only a doctor could tell.

- Get, get me Dr. Wainwright.

Urgent?

Yes, it may well be.

- Gladstone bag, that could be him.

- No, I'm a doctor.

I've called to see Mr. Rumbold.

- Allow me to direct you sir, this way.

- Morning.

- 42 Glendale check coat, thatched Trilby,

and a black Gladstone.

- We've got all that in stock.

Now listen, you give Miss Brahms the wink

as soon as the doctor comes out.

- Roger.

- Well, I can't find anything wrong.

You're as fit as a man of only 50.

- But I am only 50.

- Well, there's nothing I can do for you,

except suggest you give up smoking.

- But I don't!

Perhaps I should take a holiday.

- Lucky to be able to get away.

- Good day.

- Oh uh, good, goodbye.

- Oh, uh, I'd prefer a
check now if you don't mind.

Saves sending the account.

- Oh, Captain Peacock.

I wonder if you'd run
an eye over my checks.

I keep toting them up wrong,

and your maths is better than mine.

- Certainly, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Doctor, could I have a word
with you a minute, please?

- Well, it's my leg.

I think I've got a
varicose vein coming on it.

Could you have a look at it for me.

- Oh, very well.

- Oh, not here.

Come with me to the ladies' department.

I'll show you the quick way round.

Were on.

Now doctor, about Mr. Rumbold.

I mean, you know, the truth.

Oh yes, yes.

Well, we suspected something like that.

It was very wise of you not to tell him.

I mean, a sudden shock, hmm,

could have gone like an autumn leaf.

Check
now, if you don't mind.

Saves sending the account.

- In answer to your last question,

he has been under a
sudden strain recently.

It's these TV cameras he's
had fitted to stop pilfering.

He can't take his eyes off the screen,

frightened of missing something.

No, don't ask him to have them removed.

No, please.

I'm sure he'd want to go in the saddle,

making sure that Grace
Brothers ran smooth to the end.

Although he could last until
a hundred if he rested.

- Get, get me security.

Quickly!

No wonder he said I'd be
luck if I got a holiday.

- If you'll follow me, doctor,

I'll show you a quick way out.

Well done, Dr. Finley.

Do you think he noticed?

- Dear God, he wouldn't
miss a thing, does he?

I wonder where the doctor is?

- He's probably still looking
at Miss Brahms' leg, no doubt.

- Yes, I should be giving a second opinion

on that meself later on.

- Men, you're all the same.

- It's the doctor.

- He's going into Rumbold's office.

Well, that's torn it.

Oh, well, it was a nice try.

You'd better start looking for your cards.

- It was your face he saw, not mine.

- If I go, you go.

- And, and do it immediately.

Yes.

- I afraid I have some
very serious news for you.

- Yes, yes, I know, but don't tell me.

I'm trying not to put any
sort of strain on myself.

I've just ordered all
this equipment removed.

- Yes.

- Just the same, it's my job
as a doctor to tell you--

- No.

- Miss Brahms has measles.

.

Is that all?

- It's all I have to tell you, yes.

- Yes, well, I understand.

If I take it easy, I
could be here for years.

The one night me mother's way,

and she has to go and get measles.

Just my luck.

I haven't had it.

- The way things are going,
you're not going to get it.

I say, you haven't handled
her recently, have you?

- Well, I've just given
her a peck on the neck,

that's all, when I set the plan up.

Why?

I mean you, you don't think I ...

- Well, I was going to
ask you out for a drink,

but on second thought, goodnight.

♫ Ground floor perfumery,
stationary, and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food, going up

♫ First floor, telephones,
gents ready made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
underwear, and shoes, going up

♫ Second floor carpets,
travel goods, and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings,

♫ Restaurant and teas, going down