Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Think Tank - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

GOOD MORNING, LADIES.

UNDER THE ARMS?

OH, DIRTY NECK.

MORNING.

MR. MASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?



JUST GIVING HER A
SPONGE DOWN, SIR.

DO YOU HAVE TO DO IT UP HERE?

I DAREN'T DO IT
IN THE CELLAR, SIR.

I'D GET TOO EXCITED.

HURRY UP, DAPHNE.

YOU SHOULD BE UP
THOSE STAIRS BY NOW.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

DID YOU KNOW THAT THIS
SORT OF THING WAS GOING ON?

NO, I DID NOT.

MR. MASH, DO YOU USUALLY
DO THAT SORT OF THING?

ONLY ON THE DUMMIES, SIR.

THEY CAN'T DO IT
THEMSELVES, CAN THEY?

CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I FEEL THAT THE FEMALE STAFF
SHOULD WASH THE FEMALE DUMMIES.



I DO SEE THE REASONING
BEHIND YOUR OBSERVATION.

ON THE OTHER HAND, WHAT
ABOUT THE MALE DUMMIES?

AH, YES. THE MEN SHOULD
DO THOSE, OF COURSE.

HAVE YOU ANYBODY IN MIND TO
ATTEND TO THE FEMALE DUMMIES?

WELL, HOW ABOUT
THE FEMALE CLEANERS?

I FEAR THAT MAY WELL LEAD
TO INTER-UNION STRIFE, SIR.

YOUNG MR. GRACE WOULD
HAVE A FIT IF HE SAW THIS.

YES, AND HE CAN'T AFFORD
TOO MANY OF THOSE.

I HAVE IT, SIR.

WHY DON'T WE WASH THEM
AS THEY DO IN CONVENTS?

HOW'S THAT?

THEY WASH IN SHIFTS.

WE DON'T HAVE THAT MANY DUMMIES.

NO, THEY WEAR SHIFTS.

DO THEY? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

ONE READS BOOKS.

OH, I SEE.

WHAT EXACTLY IS A SHIFT?

IT'S SORT OF A PETTICOAT.

IS IT?

THAT SEEMS RATHER
A GOOD SOLUTION.

MR. MASH, IN FUTURE,

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WASH

THE FEMALE DUMMIES
WITH A PETTICOAT ON.

IF YOU SAY SO, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I
KEEP MY SOCKS ON?

- CAPTAIN PEACOCK...
- EXCUSE ME, SIR, I MUST SIGN ON.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK...

I'M RATHER SURPRISED TO SEE
YOU WEARING A BOWLER HAT.

REALLY, SIR? WHY?

AT GRACE BROTHERS,
BOWLERS ARE RESERVED

FOR DEPARTMENTAL
HEADS AND ABOVE.

I THOUGHT THOSE ARCHAIC
RULES HAD GONE LONG AGO, SIR.

WELL, NO, THEY HAVEN'T.

SENIOR FLOOR STAFF,
SUCH AS YOURSELF,

ARE ALLOWED A HOMBURG.

JUNIOR FLOOR STAFF SHOULD WEAR

CAPS OR TRILBYS.

I SEE.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. HUMPHRIES, MAY I
HAVE A WORD WITH YOU?

CERTAINLY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I DON'T THINK YOU OUGHT
TO BE WEARING THAT HAT.

NO? I THOUGHT A
HOMBURG WAS RATHER ME.

AT GRACE BROTHERS,
HOMBURGS ARE RESERVED

FOR SENIOR FLOOR STAFF, SUCH
AS MYSELF AND MR. GRAINGER.

WHAT A SHAME... I WAS
GOING TO SEE MY SOLICITOR.

AND THEY DON'T REALLY GO FOR A
PORKPIE AT SOLOMON AND FINKELSTEIN.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

ONE MINUTE TO
9:00. JUST IN TIME.

MR. LUCAS, WHY ARE
YOU NOT WEARING A HAT?

- AM I SUPPOSED TO?
- YES, YOU ARE.

IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY IN
WRITING IN THE STAFF RULES,

THAT THE JUNIOR FLOOR STAFF
WILL WEAR A TRILBY OR A CAP.

SENIOR FLOOR STAFF
WILL WEAR HOMBURGS.

MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL LOOK A
FAIR OLD TREAT IN A HOMBURG.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- GOOD MORNING, MR. LUCAS.

- WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT
TO WEAR A BOWLER?
- CERTAINLY NOT.

ONLY DEPARTMENTAL HEADS
AND ABOVE MAY WEAR BOWLERS.

IN THAT CASE, THIS CAN'T
POSSIBLY BELONG TO ANYONE HERE.

I'LL TAKE IT TO THE
LOST PROPERTY OFFICE.

Peacock: GOOD MORNING,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MORNING, MISS BRAHMS.

YES, JUST ON THE DOT.

OH, I'M WORN OUT, TO START WITH.

I HAVE STOOD STANDING
IN THE BUS ALL THE WAY,

AND NOT ONE MAN
OFFERED ME A SEAT.

YOU SHOULD DO WHAT I
DO... SHOVE A SHOPPING BAG

UNDER YOUR COAT
AND STAGGER A BIT.

THAT'S THE TROUBLE
WITH ALL YOU LADIES...

YOU WANT EQUALITY, BUT YOU'RE
NOT PREPARED TO STAND UP FOR IT.

YOU'RE VERY SHARP
TODAY, AREN'T YOU?

QUITE RIGHT. THEY ARE
ALL THE SAME THESE DAYS.

YOU TAKE GIRLS OUT, AND THEY ALL WANT
EQUALITY UNTIL THE WAITER BRINGS THE BILL.

THAT'S BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU WANT
AFTER THE WAITER'S BROUGHT THE BILL.

WHEN WE DON'T GET IT,

HOW MANY OFFER TO
SPLIT IT DOWN THE MIDDLE?

TIME YOU WERE AT YOUR
COUNTER, MR. LUCAS.

YES, OF COURSE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

TO DEAL WITH THAT MILLING
THRONG OF CUSTOMERS.

GOOD MORNING, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

I AM...

I GAVE UP MY SEAT ON THE
TRAIN TO SOME STUPID WOMAN.

THE LOST PROPERTY
OFFICE SEEMS TO BE CLOSED...

THE MAN IN CHARGE
HAS LOST THE KEY.

IN THAT CASE, I'LL
TAKE CHARGE OF THIS.

- GOING SOMEWHERE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- NO, SIR.

I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D
HAVE PUT YOUR HAT AWAY BY NOW.

ALLOW ME.

- IS EVERYONE HERE?
- YES, SIR.

WHILE THERE ARE NO CUSTOMERS,

I'D LIKE A QUICK
WORD WITH THE STAFF.

VERY WELL, SIR. WOULD
EVERYBODY GATHER ROUND, PLEASE?

MR. RUMBOLD WANTS A QUICK
WORD. MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS.

OH, HANG ON.

YOU SHOULD DO THAT
BEFORE YOU GET HERE.

SHE USED TO DO IT ON THE BUS, BUT
THE LIPSTICK KEPT SHOOTING UP HER NOSE.

I HAVE HERE THE TRADE
FIGURES FOR LAST MONTH,

AND I AM DEEPLY CONCERNED.

I READ ABOUT THOSE IN THE PAPER.

POOR OLD ENGLAND, HUNDREDS
OF MILLIONS OF QUID IN THE RED.

I'M REFERRING TO
THIS DEPARTMENT.

WE WERE OVER £600 DOWN AGAIN
LAST WEEK. NOW, WHY IS THIS?

I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT.

PEOPLE AREN'T
SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY.

THAT COULD HAVE
SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN
LOOKING LIKE THEY USED TO.

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN
YOU'D GO UP TO A CUSTOMER

AND SAY, "EXCUSE ME, SIR,
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?"

AND THEY'D SAY, "NO, JUST LOOKING."
NOW THEY DON'T EVEN COME IN.

IT'S MOST FRUSTRATING,
ISN'T IT, MR. GRAINGER?

MOST FRUSTRATING.

TROUSERS ARE AT A
COMPLETE STANDSTILL.

YOU'RE LUCKY TO GET
YOUR TAPE UP ONCE A DAY.

MY CORSETS HAVE BEEN
DOWN FOR OVER A FORTNIGHT.

WOMEN NOWADAYS LET
THEIR FIGURES RUN RIOT...

AND THEN WEAR A KAFTAN.

I KNOW WE ARE LIVING
IN VERY DIFFICULT TIMES...

PRECISELY. OF COURSE,
THE POUND IS TO BLAME...

LOOK AT THE PRICE OF MILK.

AND I REMEMBER WHEN
BREAD WAS FARTHINGS A LOAF.

THINGS WERE BOUND
TO GO UP AFTER MAFAKIN.

DO WE HAVE TO HAVE THE
JUNIORS IN ON THIS DISCUSSION?

I THINK WE ARE STRAYING
FROM THE POINT, WHICH IS

THAT OUR SALES FIGURES ARE DOWN

AND I AM GOING TO BE
ASKED BY THE BOARD

TO GIVE A REASON FOR IT.
WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

"GOODBYE, AND IT'S
BEEN NICE BEING HERE."

YOU MAY FIND
YOURSELF SAYING THAT,

IF YOU MAKE ANY
FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS.

- I'M SORRY, SIR.
- IT'S YOUTH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YOU CAN'T HOLD IT DOWN.

IF I MAY MAKE A SUGGESTION, SIR,

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LEAF

OUT OF THE GOVERNMENT'S
BOOK AND HAVE A THINK TANK?

- A WHAT?
- A THINK TANK...

WHERE EVERYBODY THROWS IN IDEAS.

WHAT... INTO THE TANK?

NO, MRS. SLOCOMBE,
THERE ISN'T ACTUALLY A TANK.

OH, YOU JUST THINK THERE IS.

PERHAPS I SHOULD
EXPLAIN IT MORE CLEARLY.

YOU SEE, EXPERTS SIT AROUND,

CHEW OVER A PROBLEM,

THEN BRING UP A SOLUTION.

WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT,
THEY COULD DO WITH A TANK.

I THINK THAT'S A SURPRISINGLY
GOOD SUGGESTION, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

ARE WE AGREED THEN...
WE'LL HAVE A THINK TANK?

All: YES, YES.

- A VERY GOOD SUGGESTION
DON'T YOU THINK SO?
- A STROKE OF GENIUS.

GIN USED TO BE 12
AND SIX A BOTTLE.

ARE WE AGREED?

All: YES, 12 AND SIX A BOTTLE.

NO, NO, NO. ARE WE AGREED
THAT WE SHALL HAVE A THINK TANK?

All: OH, YES, YES.

WE'LL MEET HERE THIS EVENING,
AFTER THE STORE CLOSES.

WELL, I CAN'T STAY BEHIND.

I'M BEING PICKED UP
OUTSIDE THE STAFF ENTRANCE.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D STAND
OUTSIDE THE FRONT...

YOU'D GET A BETTER
CLASS OF PERSON.

I SHAN'T BE SEEING
YOU, THEN, SHALL I?

I DARESAY, WE COULD MANAGE
WITHOUT YOU, MISS BRAHMS.

I CAN'T MAKE IT... I'VE GOT SOMEONE
COMING AROUND TO WASH MY HAIR.

WITH THE LITTLE BIT YOU'VE GOT,
THAT SHOULDN'T BE A TWO-MAN JOB.

COULDN'T YOU PHONE HIM?

WHAT MAKES YOU
ALL THINK IT'S A HIM?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S THE
GIRL FROM THE POODLE PARLOR.

SHE DOES A LOVELY
CUT AND BLOW WAVE...

AND IT DOESN'T COST ME A THING.

ALL I'VE GOT TO DO
IS SIT UP AND BEG.

OH, VERY WELL, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WELL, IF I'M NOT HOME
ON THE STROKE OF 6:00,

MY PUSSY GOES MAD.

IT'S HARDLY
CONVENIENT FOR ME, TOO.

WHAT EXCUSE HAVE
YOU GOT, PEACOCK?

I HAVE TO RUSH
AWAY AND BUY A HAT.

WELL, MR. RUMBOLD, IT LOOKS LIKE

YOU AND MR. GRAINGER
FOR THE THINK TANK.

DUE TO THE FACT THAT ON
CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S INSTRUCTIONS,

I, TOO, HAVE TO
GO AND BUY A HAT,

AS BEFITS MY MENIAL
AND LOWLY POSITION HERE.

I'M PERFECTLY PREPARED
TO TOSS SOME IDEAS ABOUT

AND GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF MY
VAST EXPERIENCE, MR. RUMBOLD.

I THINK IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES

WE WILL CANCEL THE
THINK TANK FOR TONIGHT

AND CONVENE AT A TIME
WHEN WE CAN ALL GET THERE...

LET'S SAY TOMORROW
MORNING AT 8:30.

8:30... BUT THAT'S A HALF AN
HOUR BEFORE THE STORE OPENS.

YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
EARLY ENOUGH. WE'LL MAKE IT 8:00.

( vacuum cleaner humming )

GOOD MORNING.

I'M DYING FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

SO AM I.

I WANT ONE TO TAKE MY PILL.

ARE YOU ON THE PILL?

WHEN MR. MASH GETS HERE
WE'LL SEND HIM TO THE CANTEEN.

BEATRICE, TURN THAT
CONFOUNDED THING OFF FOR NOW.

YES, SIR!

I HOPE I HAVEN'T
KEPT YOU ALL WAITING.

I JUST STOPPED AT
BEPPO'S TO GET A COFFEE.

- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
- GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

GOOD MORNING, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I MUST SAY, I LIKE THE HAT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

FOR SOME REASON, THEY SEEM TO BE
MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE THAN BOWLERS.

HARDLY SURPRISING, I SUPPOSE,

SINCE IT SEEMS THAT
BOWLERS ARE MAINLY WORN

BY PRIVATE DETECTIVES
AND BAILIFFS.

I'M DYING FOR A CUP OF COFFEE.

CAN I JUST HAVE A SIP?

- OH, VERY WELL.
- OH, THANK YOU.

MMMM.

OH, THAT WAS LOVELY.

MUCH BETTER THAN
THE CANTEEN MUCK.

TASTE THAT, MISS BRAHMS.

OH, ISN'T IT LOVELY AND CREAMY?

COULD I JUST HAVE A SIP

TO WASH DOWN MY PILL?

AHEM... IT'S MY BLOOD
PRESSURE, YOU KNOW.

UNLESS I TAKE THEM REGULARLY,

I FEEL AS THOUGH
I'M GOING TO BLOW UP.

PLEASE TAKE IT
NOW, MR. GRAINGER.

OH... IT HASN'T GONE DOWN.

( faint belch )

IT'S VERY NASTY.

YES, INDEED.

YOU'RE VERY QUIET THIS
MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I WAS JUST FINISHING
OFF MY DREAM.

I DREAMT THAT THERE
WAS THIS WILD CREATURE...

HALF MAN, HALF BEAST...

CAME GALLOPING TOWARDS
ME ON A BIG, BLACK HORSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN.

I WAS ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED,

UNTIL I NOTICED HE
WAS RIDING SIDESADDLE.

IT'S VERY DIFFICULT GETTING
UP EARLY IN THE MORNING.

MY WIFE INSISTS
THAT WE STILL CLEAN

OUR TEETH IN THE DARK.

IT'S ALL VERY WELL FOR HER,

BUT I CAN'T FIND MY TEETH.

IT MUST BE MAGIC BEING
MARRIED TO YOU, MR. GRAINGER.

YOU'RE LATE AGAIN, MR. LUCAS.

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE ALL HERE.

- I SAID, YOU'RE LATE.
- YES, VERY LATE.

WHAT IS THE EXCUSE THIS TIME?

I CAN'T TELL YOU,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

THE RELIEF TO SEE YOU
ALL SAFE AND BREATHING.

IT WAS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE.

WHAT WAS?

THIS DREAM THAT I HAD... IT
WAS MORE OF A PREMONITION.

I DREAMED THAT I WOKE UP,

STREAKED HERE SO AS
TO BE ON TIME, AS ALWAYS,

CAME UP IN THE LIFT RIGHT
HERE TO THE DEPARTMENT.

WHEN I GOT HERE, YOU WERE
ALL SITTING AROUND THE TABLE,

MOTIONLESS, JUST LIKE THAT,
WITH YOUR MOUTHS OPEN.

I THINK IT'S COME TRUE.

WHAT A HORRIBLE DREAM.
WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

I JUST TOUCHED CAPTAIN
PEACOCK ON THE SHOULDER,

AND HE JUST FELL OVER
SLOWLY OUT OF HIS CHAIR

AND CRASHED DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

AND BROKE INTO
HUNDREDS OF LITTLE PIECES.

I WAS JUST PUTTING HUMPTY
TOGETHER AGAIN, WHEN I WOKE UP.

WHY SHOULD THAT BE AN
EXCUSE FOR LATENESS?

I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR
HEAD, YOU SEE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

EVERY TIME I PUT IT BACK ON,

YOU SORT OF UNBALANCED
AND FELL OFF YOUR CHAIR AGAIN.

IT'S NOT AT ALL THAT
BIG EITHER, IS IT?

SIT DOWN, MR. LUCAS.

WELL, IF WE'RE ALL ASSEMBLED...

ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES... I'M FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES.

THE PROBLEM BEFORE US

IS THE FALL IN OUR SALES FIGURES

OVER THE PAST MONTH,

AND HOW WE ARE
GOING TO RECTIFY IT.

WE HAVE ALL HAD A
FURTHER 12 HOURS

TO THINK OVER THIS PROBLEM,

AND I FEEL SURE YOU'VE
ALL COME TO THE MEETING

FULL OF IDEAS AND SUGGESTIONS...

OOOH!

I DON'T THINK THAT'S SUCH A
GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL, MR. MASH.

I THINK YOU SHOULD DO
THAT IN THE FITTING ROOM.

I DON'T THINK HE
SHOULD DO IT ANYWHERE.

AT 20 PAST 8:00 IN THE MORNING,

IT'S MORE THAN FLESH
AND BLOOD CAN STAND.

YES, I THINK YOU'D
BETTER STOP, MASH.

- SHALL I POWDER
HER DOWN, SIR?
- CERTAINLY NOT.

- BUT SHE'S STILL GOT A WET...
- NEVER MIND, MR. MASH...

JUST LEAVE THE FLOOR.

OH, ALL RIGHT. MARVELOUS,
ISN'T IT, EH? BLOODY MARVELOUS.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WILL DO...

I'LL TAKE HER TO THE
STAFF CHANGING ROOM

- WE'LL HAVE A SHOWER TOGETHER.
- BETTER MAKE IT A COLD ONE.

I THINK YOU'D BETTER WAIT
UNTIL THE STORE'S CLOSED,

AND THEN DO IT SOMEWHERE
WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.

( blows raspberry )

CREAKY ARMS, SIR,
NEEDS A BIT OF OIL.

AS I WAS SAYING, HOW ARE WE
GOING TO INCREASE OUR FIGURES?

LET'S RUN A FEW IDEAS UP THE
MAST, AND SEE WHO SALUTES THEM.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE A SALE?

WE HAD A SPRING
SALE A MONTH AGO.

WE CAN'T GO ON HAVING SALES

WITHOUT ANY REASON.

WHY DON'T WE DO LIKE
THE PETROL STATIONS...

GIVE AWAY PLASTIC
FOOTBALLS OR TANKARDS?

THAT'S GOING TO BE A
BIG DRAW IN MY LINGERIE.

IN THE SPORTS DEPARTMENT
THEY'VE JUST HAD

A FAMOUS GOLFER
AUTOGRAPHING CLUBS.

BUT WHAT SORT OF PERSON COULD
WE GET TO AUTOGRAPH TROUSERS?

ERROL FLYNN WOULD
HAVE DONE VERY WELL.

I'M NOT HAVING RAQUEL WELCH

AUTOGRAPHING ONE OF MY BRAS.

WHO NEEDS RAQUEL WELCH?

THE WAY YOU'RE STACKED,
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH SPACE

FOR THE WHOLE OF THE
MANCHESTER UNITED.

IF I HAVE ANY MORE OF YOUR LIP,

I'LL COME OVER THERE
AND SMACK YOUR CHOPS.

I'M JUST IN THE MOOD.

ORDER, ORDER, PLEASE.

HOW ABOUT ADVERTISING

IN THE LOCAL NEWSPAPERS?

SOMETHING LIKE,

"YOU GET A SQUARE DEAL
AT GRACE BROTHERS"?

WE'D BE IN TROUBLE WITH
THE TRADES DESCRIPTIONS ACT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T HAVE SQUARER
CLOTHES THAN WHAT WE'VE GOT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MR. LUCAS?

WE'RE NOT EXACTLY
TRENDY, ARE WE?

LOOK AT ALL THE FUSS
YOU MADE THE OTHER WEEK

WHEN I CAME IN WEARING
HIGH-HEELED SHOES.

IT WASN'T THE SHOES... IT
WAS THAT WALKING STICK

YOU HAD TO STOP YOURSELF
FROM FALLING OVER.

ANYWAY, I THINK THEY
LOOK RIDICULOUS ON MEN.

I LIKE THEM... ALL THE
POP STARS WEAR THEM.

MR. LUCAS IS NOT A POP STAR.

NO, BUT POP STARS
SET THE FASHION.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE SHOULD
ALL DRESS LIKE BING CROSBY?

I DON'T THINK THAT BING CROSBY

WOULD HELP THE
SALES ON THIS FLOOR.

DO WE HAVE ANY
SENSIBLE SUGGESTIONS?

YES, SIR, I HAVE.

AFTER I CAME OUT OF THE ARMY,

I MADE A STUDY OF
SALES TECHNIQUE.

THERE WAS A THEORY
THAT A MOVING DISPLAY

HAS MORE IMPACT
THAN A STATIC ONE.

TRUE.

I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN WE
SHOULD HAVE OUR TROUSERS

- MOVING ABOUT MORE?
- YES.

HOW DO WE ACHIEVE THAT?

A COUPLE OF DOZEN
PAIRS OF ELECTRIC LEGS?

I'M BEING QUITE
SERIOUS, MR. LUCAS.

HOW DOES THAT
EFFECT MY DEPARTMENT?

YES... DO WE HAVE LOTS
OF ELECTRIC KNICKERS

JUMPING UP AND
DOWN ON THE COUNTER?

WOULDN'T THAT BE VERY EXPENSIVE?

WE CAN HAVE MRS. SLOCOMBE
JUMPING UP AND DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

THAT SHOULD MAKE
A BIG ENOUGH IMPACT.

THAT'S IT.

I AM WITHDRAWING TO THE CANTEEN.

PLEASE MRS. SLOCOMBE,
DO BEAR WITH US.

I THINK CAPTAIN PEACOCK
MAY BE ONTO SOMETHING.

- MAKE HIM APOLOGIZE THEN.
- LUCAS!

I'M SORRY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

YOU'RE SUCH A LIKABLE
PERSON AND SUCH A SPORT,

I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO THINK OF YOU
AS HEAD OF THE LADIES DEPARTMENT.

I SHALL ACCEPT YOUR
GRACIOUS APOLOGY,

BUT I SUGGEST FOR THE
REST OF THIS DISCUSSION

YOU SHUT YOUR CAKEHOLE.

WHAT I HAD IN MIND, IF I
MAY BE ALLOWED TO SPEAK...

- YES, DO CONTINUE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- THANK YOU.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE'D GET ON...

EVER SINCE I SAW HIM
IN "COLLEGE RHYTHM."

- SAW WHO?
- BING CROSBY.

WE'VE LEFT THAT SOME TIME AGO.

I KNOW, 1935.

MR. GRAINGER, MAY I SPEAK?

YOU SAW IT TOO,
DID YOU? IT WAS FUN.

LOOK, WE'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON.

I'VE STILL GOT TO TOUCH UP MY
MOUTH... IT'LL BE OPENING TIME SOON.

DO GET TO THE POINT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I THINK I HAVE THE SOLUTION.

I SUGGEST THAT WE
HAVE A FASHION SHOW.

HE'S RUN IT UP THE MAST...
WHO GOING TO SALUTE IT?

I DON'T MEAN A FASHION SHOW IN
THE ACCEPTED SENSE OF THE WORD...

WHERE ONE SHOWS
OFF EXOTIC CREATIONS...

I MEAN, A DOWN-TO-EARTH
FASHION SHOW

WHERE WE DEMONSTRATE TO THE
MAN IN THE STREET THAT WE SELL

ORDINARY CLOTHES THAT ARE WELL
WITHIN THE REACH OF HIS POCKET.

WHAT ABOUT THE
WOMAN IN THE STREET?

- UNISEX!
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I MEAN A SHOW FOR BOTH SEXES.

I DON'T THINK YOUR IDEA FOR A MEN'S
FASHION SHOW WOULD GET US ANYWHERE,

BUT MY IDEA FOR A UNISEX
SHOW SEEMS VERY ORIGINAL.

BUT I THOUGHT UNISEX MEANT MEN
AND WOMEN IN THE SAME CLOTHES.

- IT DOES.
- DOES IT?

PERHAPS I MEANT BISEXUAL.

NO, I DON'T THINK YOU
MEANT THAT, MR. RUMBOLD.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD CALL IT "A
MAN AND WOMAN'S FASHION PARADE."

OR BETTER STILL, "MALE AND
FEMALE MODES ON THE MOVE"...

YES, THAT'S IT.

I DON'T THINK YOUR IDEA
FOR A MAN AND WOMAN'S

FASHION PARADE WOULD
HAVE ANY APPEAL AT ALL,

BUT MY IDEA FOR MALE AND
FEMALE MODES ON THE MOVE

HAS FANTASTIC APPEAL... AGREED?

OH, YES, MR. RUMBOLD, YES.

WHAT A PITY YOU
COULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT

OF SOMETHING LIKE
THAT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YES, IT NEEDS AN EXECUTIVE MIND

TO COME UP WITH
SOMETHING OF THAT SORT.

ONE HAS A CERTAIN
RESPONSIBILITY TO PRODUCE IDEAS.

"UNEASY LIES THE HEAD
THAT WEARS THE CROWN."

OR INDEED... THE BOWLER HAT.

ALL I HAVE TO DO NOW IS TO
APPROACH YOUNG MR. GRACE

AND CONVINCE HIM
THAT IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

- THAT YOU'VE HAD.
- YES.

YOU'LL HAVE TO CONVINCE
HIM THAT IT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA

BEFORE HE FORKS OUT A COUPLE OF
HUNDRED QUID FOR SIX MANNEQUINS.

AS MUCH AS THAT?

IT'LL BE CHEAPER TO
HAVE ELECTRIC TROUSERS,

AND MRS. SLOCOMBE
JUMPING UP AND DOWN...

I'M SORRY! I JUST
GOT CARRIED AWAY.

YES, WELL, IT'S UP TO ME NOW

TO GET OVER THE
FINANCIAL PROBLEM.

IF I RUN INTO ANY DIFFICULTIES,

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO HAVE
ANOTHER SESSION OF THE THINK TANK.

IN WHICH WE THINK AND
IT ALL GOES IN YOUR TANK.

( bell rings )

THE STORE'S OPEN.
PLACES, EVERYBODY.

I HOPE THIS IS NOT
GOING TO TAKE TOO LONG.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GOING
TO SEE "LAST TANGO IN PARIS."

I GOT THE OKAY FROM MY
HEART SPECIALIST THIS MORNING.

NO, NO, MR. GRACE,
YOU JUST SIT THERE.

WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IS THE
FASHION SHOW I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

DID YOU?

OH, YES. YES, I REMEMBER...

"MALE AND FEMALE
MOODS IN THE MAUVE."

"MODES ON THE MOVE."

THE FASHION SHOW TO
HELP THE FALLING FIGURES.

ARE WE GOING TO
SEE GIRLS IN CORSETS?

NO, NO... SALES FIGURES.

AND IF YOU LIKE
IT, WE'LL HAVE ONE.

HAVE ONE WHAT?

A FASHION SHOW, SIR.

I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING ONE.

NO, THIS IS JUST A DEMONSTRATION

TO SHOW YOU WHAT
WE HAVE IN MIND.

IT'S AIMED AT THE MAN IN THE
STREET AND THE WOMAN IN THE STREET.

YOU MEAN TARTS?

NO, SIR, JUST ORDINARY PEOPLE.

ARE YOU READY WITH THE
MICROPHONE, MR. LUCAS?

( coughs ) READY WHEN
YOU ARE, MR. RUMBOLD.

THEN CARRY ON, MR. LUCAS.

( big band music playing )

FIRST, WE HAVE BOBBY...

SPRING IS IN THE AIR,

BUT BEWARE OF THE WINTER WIND.

BUT BOBBY'S KEEPING WARM
AS TOAST IN A COZY CROMBIE,

INSPIRED BY JAMES BOND
IN "YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE."

IS THAT A STORM APPROACHING?

( mimics wind gust )
BOBBY DOESN'T CARE.

HE'S GOT HIS SNAP-UP
JAPANESE BROLLY.

BOBBY'S GREAT GATSBY
HAT WILL STAY DRY AS A BONE,

AND BOBBY'S TOOTSIES
WILL STAY DRY AS WELL,

THANKS TO HIS "EVER-TOUGH
STREETWALKERS."

HAT, £3, SHOES, £9.50,

COZY CROMBIE FROM
GRACE BROTHERS, £44.95.

AND I'M EXTRA.

WELL DONE. VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

DOESN'T THAT BOY LOOK
LIKE OUR MR. HUMPHRIES?

THAT WAS OUR MR. HUMPHRIES, SIR.

OH, HE HAS LEFT US?

NO, SIR, BUT YOU WOULDN'T
PAY FOR PROFESSIONAL MODELS

UNTIL YOU WERE CONVINCED
IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

- ( music resumes )
- AND NOW WE HAVE
TANIA AND TONY.

HOME FROM THE
OFFICE AND SO TO BED.

- WAIT FOR ME!
- OH, COME ON!

LEAP INTO BED IN OUR
SNUG-AS-A-BUG RANGE OF SLEEPWEAR.

THAT'S NOT
GRAINGER'S WIFE, IS IT?

NO, SIR.

HE ALWAYS WAS A BIT OF A LAD.

TONY'S TIRED, SO
HE'S OFF TO BYE-BYES...

SO IT'S OFF WITH THE
DRESSING GOWN TO REVEAL...

TO REVEAL...

- IT'S KNOTTED.
- TONY'S GOT KNOTTED,

SO HE'S NOT GOING TO
REVEAL ANYTHING AT ALL.

SO LET'S TURN OUR
ATTENTION TO TANIA,

AND I MUST SAY, THAT'S
NOT TOO DIFFICULT AT ALL.

TANIA IS WEARING
ONE OF OUR NEW RANGE

OF NAUGHTY '90s NIGHTIES...

NOTE THE CHERRIES.

IT'S MADE FOR DREAM TIME,
BUT IF SHE WORE IT TO A BALL,

WHO'D NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE?

WELL, I WOULD FOR ONE.

Grainger: MR. LUCAS, I'M READY!

NOT NOW, TONY, NOT NOW!

WHAT SHALL I DO?

GO AND SNUFF OUT TANIA'S CANDLE.

- AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY NEW...
- ( music resumes )

AN EVENING CREATION AS
INSPIRED BY SUSAN HAMPSHIRE

IN "THE PALLISERS"...
AS WORN BY NAOMI!

HOW GRACEFUL THIS FASHION WAS.

HOW LUCKY SHE HAD
HER PARACHUTE WITH HER.

PERHAPS ALL THE GIRLS WILL
BE WEARING ONE OF THESE SOON.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

DRESS MATERIAL OBTAINABLE

IN LADIES BESPOKE.

AND SO WE SAY FAREWELL TO NAOMI.

AND SO WE SAY FAREWELL TO NAOMI.

OH, BELT UP!

AN ECHO...

AN ECHO FROM THE
ELEGANCE OF YESTERYEAR.

JUST ONE MORE TO
COME, MR. GRACE.

I HOPE IT'LL BE QUICK.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS
THE MICKEY MOUSE.

- AND NOW, SHOWING US HIS
CITY SUIT, - ( music continues )

FROM OUR "NEW TYCOON"
RANGE, WE HAVE RODNEY!

CONFIDENT IN HIS
CASUAL ELEGANCE,

RODNEY IS READY FOR A BOARD
MEETING WITH THE CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY.

THERE IS AMPLE FULLNESS
IN THE CHAIRMAN'S SEAT.

PLENTY OF GIVE IN THE ARMS FOR
THOSE TRANSATLANTIC PHONE CALLS.

CONCEALED POCKET FOR THE
KEY TO THE EXECUTIVE LOO.

RED LINING TO GAIN SYMPATHY
DURING TALKS WITH THE WORKERS.

RODNEY'S DAY'S WORK DONE,
THERE'S NO NEED TO CHANGE HIS SUIT.

IT'S FORMAL ENOUGH
FOR THE BOARD,

BUT ALSO TRENDY ENOUGH TO
CALL AT THAT PENTHOUSE FLAT

FOR THAT SOCIETY BIRD,
WHO IS PREPARING TO LOOK

HER VERY BEST FOR THE
MAN IN A "TYCOON" SUIT.

COR BLIMEY!

AIN'T THERE NO PRIVACY ANYWHERE?

AND NOW WE SEE THEM ALL
AGAIN IN THE GRAND FINALE!

( orchestral fanfare plays )

( orchestral fanfare repeats )

( orchestral fanfare continues )

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, MR. LUCAS!

( music drags, stops )

VERY GOOD... WELL
DONE, WELL DONE.

WELL, SIR... WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THAT, MR. GRACE?

WHO'S IDEA WAS
THE FASHION PARADE?

MINE, SIR.

WELL, I THINK IT'S
A ROTTEN IDEA.

- OR WAS IT MINE?
- YES, IT WAS.

IF YOU WANT TO SELL GOODS,
YOU'D BETTER HAVE A SALE.

WELL, I'M OFF.

OH, AND PEACOCK...

I WONDER IF MR. RUMBOLD
HASN'T TOLD YOU BEFORE...

THAT HAT DOESN'T SUIT YOU.

YOU SHOULD GET A BOWLER
AND WEAR IT ALL THE TIME.

DON'T YOU AGREE, MR. RUMBOLD?

ABSOLUTELY, MR. GRACE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

- GOODBYE, EVERYBODY.
- All: GOODBYE, MR. GRACE.

Mr. Grace: GOODBYE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪