Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Clock - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES... ♪

CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?

WOULD YOU SHOW ME SOME
SPORTS JACKETS, PLEASE?

I WON'T PERSONALLY, SIR.

BUT I'LL SUMMON OUR SENIOR
ASSISTANT TO ATTEND TO YOUR WISHES.

( snaps ) MR. GRAINGER,
ARE YOU FREE?



YES, I'M FREE.

THAT IS A GUARD'S TIE
YOU'RE WEARING, ISN'T IT?

NO, IT'S THE TESCO TABLE
TENNIS CLUB, ACTUALLY.

TABLE TENNIS?

YES, THE STRIPE IS
A LITTLE NARROWER.

YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

SOMETHING IN THE SPORTS
JACKET LINE FOR THIS CUSTOMER,

WITH PLENTY OF
ROOM UNDER THE ARMS.

YES, I WOULD THINK A 44,
WOULDN'T YOU, MR. HUMPHRIES?

CERTAINLY, MR. GRAINGER. A 44,
DON'T YOU THINK SO, MR. LUCAS?

I HOPE SO. WE HAVEN'T
GOT ANYTHING BIGGER.

I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND
A CHECK, SIR,

IT IS APT TO MAKE THE FIGURE

A LITTLE MORE PORTLY. DON'T
YOU AGREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?



WE'VE ONLY GOT CHECKS IN 44.

WELL, OF COURSE, SIR,

YOU HAVE GOT THE
HEIGHT TO CARRY IT OFF.

- 44 CHECK, MR. LUCAS.
- 44 CHECK COMING UP,
MR. HUMPHRIES.

THIS RANGE...

IS IN PUSHCON, ISN'T
IT, MR. HUMPHRIES?

RIGHT FIRST TIME, MR. GRAINGER.

35% WOOL, 35% PUSHCON.

THAT ONLY MAKES 70%.

YES, WELL, THERE'S A LOT
OF AIR BETWEEN THE FIBERS.

IT ALLOWS THE FABRIC TO BREATHE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MR. LUCAS?

QUITE RIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES. IF
YOU LISTEN QUIETLY, YOU CAN HEAR IT.

WE'VE GOT A WHOLE CUPBOARDFUL
OVER THERE, PANTING FOR BREATH.

THE MIRROR, MR. LUCAS.

ONE MIRROR, COMING
UP, MR. GRAINGER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
MR. HUMPHRIES?

IT'S NICE AND SNUG IN THE FRONT.

YES, VERY SNUG, INDEED.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A LOOK AT THE BACK?

I'M SURE THE BACK
IS SNUG AS WELL.

YES.

IT DOES FEEL A LITTLE TIGHT.

Humphries: TRY BREATHING
IN AND OUT A LITTLE, SIR.

THAT'S BETTER, ISN'T IT?

YES, THAT FEELS MUCH BETTER.

IS IT HARD-WEARING?

OH, VERY HARD-WEARING, SIR.

THEY DISCOVERED PUSHCON WHILE
THEY WERE DEVELOPING THE CONCORDE.

IF YOU'RE THINKING OF GOING
THROUGH THE SOUND BARRIER,

- YOU COULDN'T
HAVE CHOSEN BETTER.
- HOW MUCH IS IT?

IT'S £30, INCLUDING V.A.T.

THAT DOES SEEM RATHER A LOT.

WHEN YOU CONSIDER IT COST £500
MILLION TO DEVELOP, IT'S REASONABLE, SIR.

STILL SEEMS AN
AWFUL LOT OF MONEY.

ACTUALLY, SIR, IT HAS
BEEN REDUCED FROM £42.

- OH, IS THAT SO?
- YOU'RE SAVING £12, SIR.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I'LL TAKE IT.

- SALE, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- BOOK, MR. LUCAS.

WELL DONE, MR. GRAINGER.

MISS BRAHMS!

THE BRIDAL VEIL WITH THE
BLUE ORANGE BLOSSOMS.

- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- WHERE IS MADAM GOING
FOR HER HONEYMOON?

WE'RE TORN BETWEEN
EASTBOURNE AND BRIGHTON.

IT IS DIFFICULT TO MAKE
UP ONE'S MIND, ISN'T IT?

- IT IS.
- WHY NOT COMPROMISE
AND TRY BEACHY HEAD?

THERE. HOW'S THAT?

IT'S A BIT THICK, ISN'T IT?

IT LOOKS LOVELY FROM OUR SIDE.

I CAN'T SEE.

YOU'LL HAVE SOMEONE
HOLDING YOUR ARM.

HE WON'T RECOGNIZE ME.

HE'LL KNOW YOUR VOICE, WON'T HE?

THINK OF THE SURPRISE HE'S
GONNA GET WHEN HE LIFTS IT UP.

THAT'LL DO, MISS BRAHMS.

THE ORANGE BLOSSOM
IS DETACHABLE,

SHOULD MADAM WISH TO USE IT FOR
DECORATIVE PURPOSES AFTERWARDS.

I SUPPOSE I'D BETTER TAKE IT.

- PACK IT UP, MISS BRAHMS.
- I'VE NOT SAID ANYTHING.

PACK THE VEIL UP, GIRL.

SORRY.

PSST... OI.

IS THAT THE WAY YOU USUALLY

ATTRACT A LADY'S
ATTENTION, MR. MASH?

NO, USUALLY I GO UP BEHIND THEM

- AND GO WE-HEY-HEY!
- OH-HH!

YOU GOING TO OLD GRAINGER'S
FAREWELL DINNER TONIGHT?

IT IS NOT HIS FAREWELL
DINNER TONIGHT, MR. MASH.

JUST BECAUSE HE'S 65, IT
DOESN'T MEAN HE'S RETIRING.

IF THEY GIVE HIM A
CUCKOO CLOCK, IT DOES.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DID TO
FREDRICKS IN HARDWARE.

44 YEARS HE'D
BEEN WITH THE FIRM.

THEY HAD THE DINNER AND
WHEN THEY GOT TO THE COFFEE,

THEY GAVE HIM THE CLOCK, ONE CHORUS
OF "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW,"

AND SHOVED HIM IN THE LIFT.

HERE YOU ARE...
SIX PAIRS OF TIGHTS,

AND SIX PAIRS OF "PUSSY BOOTS."

SIX PAIRS OF WHAT?

"PUSSY BOOTS"... FUR SLIPPERS.

AND WE'VE GOT A NEW SALES
GIMMICK, AS WELL, FOR THEM.

LOOK AT THAT.

WHATEVER'S THAT?

ONE ELECTRIC PUSSY.

BATTERY OPERATED.

( purring )

( meowing ) Pussy
Boots, Pussy Boots.

HOW COULD ANYONE
DO THAT TO A CAT?

YOU WANT TO THANK
YOUR LUCKY STARS, MATE,

YOU AIN'T SELLING
ELEPHANT HIDE LUGGAGE.

I'VE A GOOD MIND TO
WRITE TO THE R.S.P.C.A.

YOU'RE A BIT LATE. IT'S DEAD.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, JUST LOOK WHAT
THEY'VE SENT ME. IT'S DISGUSTING.

- WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE
IT WORKING, CAPTAIN?
- VERY WELL.

( purrs, meows ) Pussy
Boots, Pussy Boots.

( Mash laughs )

YOU MUST ADMIT... IT'S A
NOVELTY, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

Pussy Boots, Pussy Boots.

( recording accelerates )

( blowing air )

MR. MASH?

TAKE IT TO THE VET.

VERY AMUSING,
CAPTAIN, VERY AMUSING.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, MR. GRAINGER
HAS GONE TO HIS COFFEE BREAK.

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY
TO DISCUSS HIS BIRTHDAY DINNER.

OH, YES. MISS
BRAHMS, COME ALONG.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

YES, I'M FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

MR. LUCAS, ARE YOU FREE?

I THINK I AM FREE AT THIS PRECISE
MOMENT, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GATHER ROUND.

I'VE HAD A WORD WITH
THE CANTEEN MANAGER.

IT WOULD SEEM THE MOST
ECONOMICAL WAY OF STAGING

THIS FUNCTION IS TO HOLD
THE DINNER DOWN HERE.

OH, POOR MR. GRAINGER.

CAN'T WE GIVE HIM A PROPER
DO IN THE RESTAURANT UPSTAIRS?

THAT WOULD COST US
AN EXTRA £1 PER HEAD.

LET'S HAVE IT DOWN HERE.

LET'S HAVE IT AT THE
SCENE OF HIS TRIUMPHS.

THE MENU WOULD BE AS FOLLOWS:

VEGETABLE SOUP
OR HORS D'OEUVRES.

THAT'S A SARDINE ON
A BIT OF TIRED LETTUCE.

AND THE RUSSIAN
SALAD, MR. LUCAS.

I'D FORGOTTEN THE RUSSIAN
SALAD, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I SHALL NEVER FORGET
THE RUSSIAN SALAD.

A MAIN COURSE, WHICH
I SHALL BRING UP LATER.

WON'T WE ALL.

CABINET PUDDING WITH CUSTARD,

OR SIMULATED
CREAM; COFFEE AD LIB,

AND ONE "AFTER EIGHT" MINT.

AND HOW MUCH IS THAT LOT?

THE COST, MISS BRAHMS,

DEPENDS ON WHAT WE
CHOOSE AS A MAIN COURSE.

ROAST PHEASANT
WOULD BE £2 PER HEAD,

- POULET ROTI...
- YOU WHAT?

ROAST CHICKEN!

£1.50, STEAK PIE, £1.25,

OR MACARONI CHEESE, £1.

I VOTE FOR MACARONI CHEESE.

WE CAN'T GIVE THE POOR OLD SOUL
A DINNER WITH MACARONI CHEESE.

HE'D PREFER IT. ONCE HE
GETS THOSE TEETH OF HIS

IN A PHEASANT, HE'D
BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

IF WE HAVE THE CANTEEN STEAK
PIE, WE'LL ALL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

I'LL GO FOR THE
MACARONI CHEESE, MYSELF.

I THINK WE SHOULD
GIVE HIM THE CHICKEN.

- ANY OTHER VOTES FOR CHICKEN?
- I'LL VOTE FOR THE CHICKEN.

IT GOES SO WELL WITH CABINET
PUDDING AND SIMULATED CREAM.

I FAVOR CHICKEN
MYSELF, SO THAT'S...

THREE VOTES FOR CHICKEN
AND TWO FOR MACARONI CHEESE.

AND THE STEAK PIE
LOSES ITS DEPOSIT.

SO THAT MEANS WE HAVE CHICKEN.

THAT WILL BE £1.50 PER HEAD.

NEVER MIND, SHIRLEY, YOU AND
ME CAN SHARE THE WISHBONE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GOING TO WISH FOR.

EVEN IF HE WINS,
HE WON'T GET IT.

THE £1.50, OF COURSE,

DOES INCLUDE MR. GRAINGER
AND HIS GOOD LADY WIFE.

IS ANYBODY ELSE
BRINGING ANY GUESTS?

- NO.
- NO, I THINK IT'S BETTER
TO KEEP IT INTIMATE.

- WE'RE NOT ADVERSE
TO A LITTLE INTIMACY, ARE WE?
- NO, MR. HUMPHRIES.

WE COULD INVITE "THE
GALLOPING GOURMET."

IF HE TOOK ONE LOOK AT THAT
MENU, HE'D GALLOP THE OTHER WAY.

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.
NOW, AS REGARDS TO DRESS,

I THINK... BLACK TIE.

WHAT? NOTHING ELSE?

THEN IT'LL BE LIKE A FUNERAL.

I THINK IT'S MORBID,
THESE FAREWELL DINNERS.

MISS BRAHMS, WE DO NOT KNOW
THAT IT IS A FAREWELL DINNER.

THAT'S UP TO OUR
MANAGER, MR. RUMBOLD.

IT'S ONLY A FAREWELL DINNER
IF YOU GET A CUCKOO CLOCK.

THEN YOU DRAG YOURSELF
HOME FOR THE LAST TIME,

STICK IT ON THE MANTELPIECE,

AND WATCH THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE TICK AWAY.

THE WAY OLD GRAINGER WAS
STAGGERING AROUND THIS MORNING,

THEY COULD SAVE MONEY
AND GIVE HIM AN EGG TIMER.

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS. BACK
TO YOUR PLACES, EVERYONE.

- HAVE I MISSED ANYTHING?
- NO, NO, NO, MR. GRAINGER.

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING
THE MENU FOR YOUR DINNER.

OH, YES.

I DO HOPE WE'RE NOT
GOING TO HAVE STEAK PIE.

I'M TRAVELING HOME ON
A NON-CORRIDOR TRAIN.

CHICKEN, ACTUALLY.

GOOD. I REMEMBER
MR. FREDRICKS HAD THE CHICKEN,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, HE
ALSO HAD THE CUCKOO CLOCK.

I'M SURE THAT GRACE BROTHERS

WILL REQUIRE YOUR
SERVICES FOR MANY YEARS.

IS THAT OFFICIAL, STEPHEN?

NO, ERNEST, NO.
IT'S NOT IN MY HANDS.

THAT'S UP TO OUR
MANAGER, MR. RUMBOLD.

- ( phone rings )
- ( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

- YES, I'M FREE.
- YOU'RE WANTED
IN MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

OH, I WONDER WHAT THAT'S ABOUT?

IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING TO
DO WITH THAT AT ALL, ERNEST.

WHATEVER WILL BE, WILL BE.

I'VE HAD VERY MANY
HAPPY YEARS HERE.

YOU KNOW VERY WELL
THAT IF GRACE BROTHERS

WERE GOING TO ANNOUNCE
YOUR RETIREMENT,

YOUNG MR. GRACE WOULD
ATTEND THE DINNER PERSONALLY.

ISN'T HE COMING?

OFF THE RECORD, I HAVE
NOT BEEN SO INFORMED.

OH, GOOD.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

( coughs )

I UNDERSTOOD THAT YOU
WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR.

DID I?

AH, YES, IT'S ABOUT
YOUNG MR. GRACE.

OH, YES?

HE WON'T BE ATTENDING
YOUR DINNER TONIGHT.

OH, GOOD.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE
HAS A VERY BAD COLD.

OH, YOU MEAN, IF HE HADN'T
GOT A COLD, HE WOULD BE THERE?

WELL, WHEN SOMEONE
HAS BEEN HERE AS LONG

AS YOU HAVE, MR. GRAINGER...
HOW LONG IS IT NOW?

I JOINED GRACE BROTHERS IN 1937,

ON THE DAY THAT
MR. BALDWIN RESIGNED.

RESIGNED FROM GRACE BROTHERS?

NO, HE HANDED OVER
TO MR. CHAMBERLAIN.

AH, CHAMBERLAIN
OF CHINA AND GLASS.

THE PRIME MINISTER.

HE WASN'T AT GRACE
BROTHERS, WAS HE?

THE MR. CHAMBERLAIN
WHO WENT TO MUNICH.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE
HAD A BRANCH THERE.

WE HAVEN'T. HE
WENT TO SEE HITLER.

WHAT? MR. CHAMBERLAIN
OF CHINA AND GLASS?

I HAVE BEEN AT GRACE
BROTHERS FOR 37 YEARS.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD
TO YOUR DINNER.

WE'RE HAVING THE CHICKEN.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.
MR. FREDRICKS HAD THE STEAK PIE.

NO, HE HAD THE CHICKEN TOO.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE HAD
THE CUCKOO CLOCK AS WELL.

OH, YES... THE CUCKOO CLOCK.

THAT WILL BE ALL, MR. GRAINGER.

THANK YOU, MR. RUMBOLD.

( ticking )

DID I HEAR SOMETHING TICKING?

TICKING? NO, NO,
NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN... THE PIPES

OF THE CENTRAL HEATING
SYSTEM EXPANDING.

GOOD.

( clock cuckoos )

MR. GRAINGER,
WHATEVER'S THE MATTER?

YOU LOOK AS IF
YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST.

I'VE HEARD THE CUCKOO
IN MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE.

3rd OF MARCH? YOU'D BETTER
WRITE A LETTER TO THE TIMES.

IT WAS A CUCKOO CLOCK.

- GLASS OF WATER
FOR MR. GRAINGER.
- GLASS OF WATER COMING UP.

I HOPE SOMEONE TURNS UP SOON.
THESE BUBBLES IS ALL DRYING UP.

REMEMBER, MR. MASH,
ONLY ONE GLASS EACH.

YEAH, WE DON'T WANT THEM
LOSING CONTROL, DO WE, EH?

MR. JAMES LUCAS AND
MR. WILBERFORCE CLAYBORN HUMPHRIES.

- HELLO, WILBERFORCE.
- HELLO, JAMES.

THAT'LL DO, MR. MASH.

SO SORRY WE'RE LATE, YOUR GRACE.

BUT WE STOPPED OFF AT THE
OKLAHOMA PANCAKE HOUSE

FOR A CUP OF COCOA
AND A DANISH PASTRY.

THE EXCITEMENT WAS ALL TOO MUCH.

THERE WAS A LOVELY BIT
OF DANISH CRUMPET IN THERE,

BUT ONCE SHE HEARD
THAT WE WERE GOING

TO OUR ANNIVERSARY
DINNER, SHE WENT OFF ME.

OH, CHAMPAGNE!

DOM PERIGNON?

NO, JAPANESE TINNED, EXTRA DRY.

THE BUBBLES DON'T
GO UP YOUR NOSE,

THEY GIVE YOU KARATE CHOPS.

MISS SHIRLEY BRAHMS AND
THE DUCHESS OF SLOCOMBE.

- DRINKS, LADIES.
- WHY NOT?

I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING, MISS BRAHMS,

THAT FOUR VODKA MARTINIS
ARE BEYOND MY CAPACITY?

ONE OF THESE DAYS,
THAT ESCALATOR

IS GOING TO DO
SOMEBODY A MISCHIEF.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT VODKA, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

"ONE'S ALL RIGHT.
TWO'S THE MOST,

THREE UNDER THE TABLE,
FOUR UNDER THE HOST."

MR. HUMPHRIES, WHAT
WILL YOU SAY NEXT?

MR. RUMBOLD'S THE HOST.

CAPTAIN STEPHEN
PEACOCK R.A.S.C., C. OF E.,

HERO OF THE BATTLE
OF CATTERICK NAAFI,

HOLDER OF THE HOT
CROSS BUN AND BAR...

THAT WILL DO, MR. MASH.

- HERE YOU ARE, CAPTAIN.
- THANK YOU.

HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

WE AIN'T GOT NO RESERVES.

THE GROUP ARE COMING
UP IN THE OTHER LIFT.

GOOD, WHO'VE WE
GOT? THE NEW SEEKERS?

I DON'T THINK IT'S THE
NEW SEEKERS, LOVE,

MORE LIKE THE OLD KNOCKERS.

GOOD EVENING, I AM MADAM TRIXIE,

AND THIS IS THE TRIXIE TRIO.

WELCOME TO GRACE BROTHERS.

OH, CHAMPAGNE.

THE BEER FOR THE BAND
IS BEHIND THE PIANO.

WHERE DO YOU WANT THE ORCHESTRA?

OVER HERE, LADIES, I THINK.

BY THE PIANOFORTE.

WELL, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

IT LOOKS AS THOUGH WE'RE
GOING TO BE ABLE TO TRIP

THE TIGHT LANFASTIC.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- SHE WANTS YOU TO RIP
HER TIGHT ELASTIC.

PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER
SIT DOWN, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WE'RE STARTING IN
LESS THAN AN HOUR.

MR. RUMBOLD, SIR,

SINCE IT WILL AFFECT MY SPEECH,

IS MR. GRAINGER GOING
TO GET THE CLOCK?

YES, I'M AFRAID SO.

OWING TO YOUNG
MR. GRACE'S INDISPOSITION,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PRESENT IT.

WHAT A PITY HE'S GOING.

HE'S SUCH A USEFUL
MEMBER OF THE DEPARTMENT.

WE SHALL HAVE TO CARRY ON.

HUMPHRIES WILL HAVE TO MOVE UP,

- AND WE SHALL HAVE
TO GET ANOTHER MR. LUCAS.
- WHAT A TERRIBLE THOUGHT.

- WHO IS?
- MR. GRAINGER.

THAT POOR OLD DEVIL.
GRAINGER FOR THE CHOP.

OH, IT'LL BREAK HIS HEART.

IS THERE ANYTHING PARTICULAR
YOU WISH US TO PLAY?

YES, WHEN MR. GRAINGER
COMES DOWN,

I SHOULD LIKE YOU TO
PLAY SOMETHING SUITABLE.

- CERTAINLY.
- HOW ABOUT "GOODBYE"?

THAT'S A BIT SUDDEN,
ISN'T IT? WHAT ABOUT,

"WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU,
BUT WE THINK YOU OUGHT TO GO"?

WE OUGHT TO HAVE SOMETHING
CHEERFUL, LIKE THE ROLLING STONES.

YEAH... ♪ THIS WILL
BE THE LAST TIME... ♪

OOOH!

DON'T YOU COME
NEAR... I SUGGEST...

"A FINE, OLD ENGLISH GENTLEMAN."

SPLENDID CHOICE, SIR.

STAND BY, I THINK MR. GRAINGER'S
COMING UP IN THE LIFT.

PLACES, EVERYBODY.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE, WE'RE STARTING.
- STAND BY, ORCHESTRA.

ELSIE MAKEPEACE
AND DORIS POLAND.

( music begins )

NO, NO, SHH-HH.

DORIS, IT MUST BE
"THIS IS YOUR LIFE."

TA.

Peacock: WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?

IT'S HALF PAST 7:00. WE'VE
COME TO DO THE FLOOR.

YOU CAN'T DO THEM NOW. GO AWAY.

IF THAT'S HOW YOU
FEEL, DO IT YOURSELF.

YOU'LL HEAR FROM
MR. HEATHERINGTON ABOUT THIS.

DIDN'T YOU SPEAK TO
HEATHERINGTON ABOUT THIS?

IT'S NOT MY PROVINCE, SIR.

( phone rings )

LINGERIE, BLOUSES. RIGHT.

MR. AND MRS. GRAINGER
ARE COMING UP IN THE LIFT.

PLACES, EVERYBODY.

MR. AND MRS. ERNEST GRAINGER.

( music resumes )

( staff applauds )

( music stops )

MR. AND MRS. GRAINGER, IN
THE NAME OF GRACE BROTHERS,

WELCOME TO YOUR
ANNIVERSARY DINNER.

THANK YOU. THEY'VE
GOT AN ORCHESTRA.

MR. FREDRICKS DIDN'T
HAVE AN ORCHESTRA.

PERHAPS WE'LL BE ABLE
TO DO THE GAY GORDONS.

THAT SHOULD ROUND
THE EVENING OFF NICELY.

( loud bang )

MY LORDS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TAKE YOUR PARTNERS FOR
THE TINNED VEGETABLE SOUP.

SHALL WE GO IN, MR. HUMPHRIES?

RIGHT.

( waltz melody plays )

LIGHT AS EVER ON
YOUR FEET, MY DEAR.

THEY'VE CERTAINLY GIVEN
US A NIGHT TO REMEMBER.

THEY CERTAINLY HAVE.

I'M VERY GLAD WE
DIDN'T HAVE THE STEAK.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO DANCE
WITH YOUR HAND DOWN THERE,

I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN.

- YOU'VE GOT
PLENTY TO SIT ON.
- THAT'S MY BEST FEATURE.

WHOOPS...!

NEARLY WENT.

STRANGE HOW
POTENT CHEAP MUSIC IS.

MR. HUMPHRIES, YOU AND I APPEAR

TO BE THE ONLY TWO NOT DANCING.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU
PROMISE NOT TO LEAD.

I THINK WE'D BETTER GET
ON WITH THE SPEECHES.

MR. MASH, MY
COMPLIMENTS TO THE TRIO.

WILL YOU ASK THEM
TO TAKE AN INTERVAL?

CERTAINLY, SIR.

- OI!
- ( music stops )

JUG-EARS SAYS BELT
UP FOR FIVE MINUTES.

ALL RIGHT?

I'M REALLY RATHER PUFFED.

IT'S JUST AS WELL THAT I'M
GOING TO PUT MY FEET UP.

Rumbold: PRAY, BE SEATED.

COME ON, SHIRLEY. THE JUDGE IS
GOING TO PRONOUNCE SENTENCE.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- HAVE WE STOPPED?

I WOULD ASK ALL THOSE PRESENT

TO ENSURE THAT THEIR
GLASSES ARE FULLY CHARGED.

MINE SEEMS TO BE EMPTY.

BLIMEY, MRS. SLOCOMBE,

YOU GOT HOLLOW LEGS, HAVE YOU?

I NOW CALL UPON CAPTAIN PEACOCK

TO PROPOSE THE TOAST.

MR. AND MRS. GRAINGER,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HEAR, HEAR!

WE HAVEN'T GOT TO THAT
BIT YET, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

OH, OOH... ( chuckles )

( slurred ) I'D BETTER
HAVE ANOTHER THEN.

"HOW CAN ONE SUM UP A
CAREER LIKE MR. GRAINGER'S?"

QUICKLY, I HOPE.

"HE STARTED...

LITERALLY ON THE GROUND FLOOR,

IN HABERDASHERY, AND
AFTER TWO SHORT YEARS,

WAS GIVEN HIS OWN
COUNTER IN STATIONERY.

ALREADY THE WRITING
WAS ON THE WALL.

IT SPELLED "SUCCESS."

HIS... HIS AMAZING
DRIVE AND ENTHUSIASM

SOON CAME TO THE NOTICE
OF THE BOARD OF MANAGEMENT,

AND HE WAS TRANSFERRED
TO BATHROOM FURNITURE,

WHERE HE REMAINED FOR
FIVE TRIUMPHANT YEARS,

- BEFORE MOVING ON..."
- FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS...

"BEFORE MOVING ON
TO GENTLEMEN'S SHOES.

BUT ALREADY, ONE MIGHT SAY,

HIS FOOT WAS ON THE LADDER."

THANK YOU.

"BECAUSE FROM THERE,
FORTUNATELY FOR US...

AND GRACE BROTHERS...
HE FINALLY FOUND HIS NICHE

IN GENTLEMEN'S TROUSERS."

- WHAT'S A NICHE?
- I DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN ON.

"I WOULD LIKE YOU NOW
TO RAISE YOUR GLASSES

AS I CLOSE ON THESE
WORDS FROM POPE,

'OH, HAPPY THE MAN
WHOSE WISH AND CARE

A FEW PATERNAL ACRES BOUND,

CONTENT TO BREATHE
HIS NATIVE AIR

IN HIS OWN GROUND.'"

Mash: VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

PITY HE LIVES IN
A FLAT IN ELTHAM.

WE COULD ALWAYS
BUY HIM A WINDOWBOX.

I ASK YOU ALL TO BE UPSTANDING.

I GIVE YOU MR. GRAINGER,

COUPLED WITH MRS. GRAINGER,

All: MR. GRAINGER COUPLED
WITH MRS. GRAINGER.

- MR. GRAINGER...
- SPEECH! SPEECH!

All: SPEECH, SPEECH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

COME ALONG, MR. GRAINGER.

DEAR FRIENDS, MY
HEART IS VERY FULL...

MY GLASS-SS IS VER-RRY EMPTY.

THE GREAT HONOR WHICH YOU

HAVE DONE MRS.
GRAINGER AND MYSELF

IN GIVING US THIS WONDERFUL
BANQUET TONIGHT...

WITH THE CHICKEN,

AND ALL THESE
MAGNIFICENT PRESENTS...

ESPECIALLY THIS...

COMBINED SHOEHORN
AND BACKSCRATCHER.

YOU KNOW, AS I LOOK
BACK OVER THE YEARS,

THEY ALL SEEM TO HAVE
PASSED VERY QUICKLY,

BUT I SHALL ALWAYS HAVE

VERY HAPPY
RECOLLECTIONS OF YOU ALL.

AND ALL THAT I CAN
REALLY SAY NOW IS...

THANK YOU.

( applause )

OH, ISN'T IT SAD?

( sobbing ) IT IS SAD.

THANK YOU.

( loud blow )

PLEASE KEEP IT.

( banging )

PRAY, SILENCE FOR MR. RUMBOLD.

THANK YOU, MR. MASH. LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, MR. AND MRS. GRAINGER,

AS YOU KNOW, IT HAS
ALWAYS BEEN THE CUSTOM

FOR YOUNG MR. GRACE TO ANNOUNCE

WHETHER OR NOT HE
WISHES EMPLOYEES

WHO ACHIEVE THE AGE OF 65

TO TAKE ADVANTAGE
OF THE PENSION SCHEME,

OR TO REMAIN IN THE SADDLE.

AS YOU ALSO KNOW, YOUNG
MR. GRACE IS INDISPOSED.

IT THEREFORE FALLS TO MY LOT

TO PERFORM THE CEREMONY...

IT'S YOUNG MR. GRACE.

IS THAT YOUNG MR. GRACE?

OLD MR. GRACE DOESN'T
GET ABOUT MUCH.

GOOD EVENING, MR. GRACE.

- I HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE.
- YOU'RE NOT TOO LATE,
MR. GRACE.

THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF
CABINET PUDDING LEFT, MR. GRACE.

I SUPPOSE HE'S COME
TO HAND OVER THE CLOCK.

JUST IN TIME.

AHEM...

AHEM...

SHALL I CONTINUE, MR. GRACE?

PLEASE DO, MR. RUMBOLD.

I WAS ABOUT TO REMARK

HOW VERY MUCH WE APPRECIATE

THE LONG YEARS
OF DEVOTED SERVICE,

THE GREAT CONSIDERATION
YOU HAVE ALWAYS SHOWN

FOR ALL THOSE WITH
WHOM YOU HAVE WORKED.

Both: THANK YOU.

WE FEEL... WE DEFINITELY FEEL

AFTER ALL THESE LONG YEARS,

YOU HAVE TRULY EARNED A REST.

AND THEREFORE ALL THAT REMAINS,

IS FOR THIS TO BE
PRESENTED. HERE YOU ARE, SIR.

OH, THANK YOU.
THIS IS A SURPRISE.

HOW VERY NICE OF YOU ALL.

I'VE GIVEN A LOT OF THESE AWAY,

BUT I'VE NEVER GOT ONE.

MY DOCTOR SAYS I
SHOULDN'T BE OUT,

SO I'M NOW GOING.

ANOTHER FIVE YEARS, AND YOU'LL
BE GETTING ONE OF THOSE, ERNEST.

- WELL, GOODBYE, ALL.
- All: GOODBYE, MR. GRACE.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

WELL, ERNEST...

IT LOOKS AS IF
YOU'RE STAYING ON.

YES, IT DOES.

OF COURSE, I'M
VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT,

BUT I SHOULD HAVE
LIKED A BIT MORE LEISURE.

- COULD I HAVE MONDAY OFF?
- CERTAINLY NOT!

IF HE'S NOT LEAVING, HE WON'T
BE NEEDING HIS PRESENTS.

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW... ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW... ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW... ♪

♪ AND SO SAY ALL OF US. ♪

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪