Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 1, Episode 5 - Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend - full transcript
A reward is offered when a wealthy customer loses a diamond in the store. But which of the staff will be the one to find it?
Theme)
♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor, carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas
♫ Going down
- Miss Brahms.
- Yes, I know, Captain Peacock, I'm late.
- Not good enough, Miss Brahms.
You are 15 minutes late.
What would happen if everybody
else was 15 minutes late?
- The store would open at quarter past.
- Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms.
Captain Peacock is quite within his rights
to dress you down.
- Yes.
It's Friday, I haven't got any money,
and I couldn't afford the bus fare.
I had to hitchhike.
- Then you should have left home earlier.
- I did.
I stood on the corner
and I lifted my skirt
and showed a bit of stocking
like Marilyn Monroe did in Bus Stop.
- The bus crashed.
And I had to make a statement.
- The same thing happened to me once
with a centurion tank.
- Were you trying to
stop it, Mrs. Slocombe,
or were you driving it?
- I think Mr. Grainger is trying
to attract your attention,
Captain Peacock.
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- I hope you won't mind
my mentioning the fact,
but I left my purse behind
on the wireless in the
kitchen this morning.
- No, I don't mind you
mentioning it at all.
- No, well, I was wondering
if you could let me have the pound back
which I lent you yesterday.
- Of course, Mr. Grainger, I...
Oh, dear.
I, too, seem to have left
my notecase in the study
on top of the color television set.
I seem to remember that
you did the same thing
last Friday, Stephen.
- Yes, Ernest.
Yes, it seems I'm
getting rather forgetful.
- Yes.
That's why I reminded you about the pound.
- Don't worry, Mr. Grainger.
Our pay will be down in a moment,
and as soon as I can get change
for one of my larger notes,
you shall have it.
- You know, you really should try
to make your money last
out the week, Miss Brahms.
- I can't even make it last the weekend.
- Clothes.
- Yes, clothes, so the
boys'll ask me out to dinner.
- Yes, but if you didn't
spend it on clothes,
you could stay at home and
cook something for yourself.
- Oh, I can't afford
to buy food for meself.
It's too expensive.
- Yes, but you could afford it
if you didn't spend your money on clothes.
- Yes, well, if I spent my money on food,
I couldn't afford to
spend it on the clothes
so the boys would ask me out to dinner.
- I just don't understand
young people nowadays.
I don't understand what
you're talking about.
- I just like going out, that's all.
- My dear girl, I could be wined and dined
every night if I wanted to.
If it wasn't for that awful
wrestling match in the car
when you got home.
Those roving hands and the sloppy kisses
and the fight to get the
door open and escape.
- Did many of them get
away, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Go and check the till, Miss Brahms.
- Well, so, anyway, I couldn't
take her home to my place,
see, 'cause it was Thursday night,
and that's the night me mum does her feet.
- Well, I suppose that would
take the romance out of it.
So what did you do?
- Well, I took her back to hers.
It was an absolute disaster.
Her old man came back early
and insisted on watching
the telly with us.
Then her aunt came back.
Then her mum came home from Bingo.
And then her sister came
downstairs with the baby
'cause it wouldn't stop crying.
Three hours later, her old man asked me
what my intentions were.
I told him, "With all you
lot here, nothing at all."
So he kicked me out.
What did you do?
- Well, I had an old
friend round to dinner,
but it wasn't a very successful evening.
I mean, you've got to be
in the mood for cooking,
haven't you?
I got a bit cross and
slammed the over door,
and, well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise.
You know, I didn't know which way to turn,
which is very unusual for me.
- Yeah.
- I got me rolling pin out,
I flattened it all down,
I threw a tin of fruit salad on it
and served it as a surprise pancake.
It made the evening.
- Yes, it would.
Hello, what's this?
That's a friend of mine.
- You left in such a hurry.
I forgot to give you the keys to the flat.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
I'll phone you when I'm free.
- Well, we've known each other for ages.
We see a lot of each other.
- She's a very good friend of mine.
- Look at those legs!
- That is a very lovely person.
- You're telling me!
- And I'll tell you something else.
She's much more settled since
she's had the operation.
- Come in.
- Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, come in.
It's Friday once again.
- It is indeed, sir.
- Would you be good enough to
take round these pay packets?
- Yes, sir.
Well, that's what all the
workers have been waiting for.
- I don't know how they
manage, some of them.
- By Friday morning,
half of them are borrowing money for...
Where's mine?
- Oh, some mistake in accounts.
They say it'll be through this afternoon.
See you for lunch as usual?
- Um, no, I'm putting it
on a bit round the old tum.
- Perfect, Miss Brahms.
There, you see, Madam.
With the shorter hem and the
alterations to the sleeves
and a bit taken out of the back,
and, oh, yes, the shoulders
adjusted and the buttons moved,
it'll fit you like a glove.
- Wouldn't it be easier
to get one in my size?
- But it's an unrepeatable offer.
- Yes, it's last year's stock.
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
If Madam would like to
go into the fitting room
and take it off, we'll get
it sent away for alterations.
- Oh, much less than a month.
And I'll have the £2 alteration
fee put on Madam's account.
- Well, it does have to
go to Edinburgh, Madam.
All our alterations go to Edinburgh.
I mean, if you have them done in London,
you never know who'll be
handling the garment, do you?
- Very well, then.
- Only a woman with your
persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe,
could unload a 44 long onto a 36 short.
- Well, we have to get
our commission somehow.
- The receipt slips are inside, as usual.
- Yeah, they've taken £4.62 in tax!
- And you owe me a pound, don't forget.
- Well, with all this
kneeling we have to do,
they ought to give us
something for our tights.
Look at my knees, look at them!
They're all baggy.
- Pull them up, Miss Brahms.
- Yes.
I have to get long ones
on account of the fact
that I've got big feet.
- It might solve your
problem, Miss Brahms,
if you wore braces.
- Very funny.
- Or, alternatively,
you could sew suspenders
onto your brassiere.
Around the chest, I mean.
- Well, he can get into
my sweater quite easily.
- In that case, you can't go
wrong with a fluffy Fair Isle.
- Difficult to say.
He's about your build and he's ginger.
- Oh.
Well, that goes with a
fluffy Fair Isle, all right.
- He's got a beard.
- His eyes are a different color.
- Would it be easier
if you brought him in?
- Well, that'd spoil the surprise.
And he loves a surprise.
- Oh, well, you bring him in then, Madam.
Mr. Humphries'll find a
way of surprising him.
- I'll do that.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Good morning, Madam.
Mr. Humphries,
Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Yes, we're free.
- Check these, please.
Mr. Grainger, are you free?
- At the moment.
Thank you.
- Oh, blimey!
£11, 47p?
I'm supposed to get 19 quid a week!
- Well, there's probably some deductions.
Check your slip.
- Tax, £6.12.
- Well, you see, the
Concorde is expensive.
Then there's the Coal Board
and the Iron and Steel
Board, the railways,
not to mention the upkeep of our stall
in the common market.
You know, you've got
yourself a bargain there
if you didn't but know it.
- National Health, £1.21.
I haven't been near a
doctor in five years.
- Oh, well, when you get pregnant,
you'll get your maternity grant.
- 10p for Grace Brothers Social Club.
Social Club.
A converted scout-hut on
the edge of Romney Marshes.
A cracked ping-pong ball and
three darts with foul pest.
- It's worth it for the
annual outing alone.
Now, where else could you see
Captain Peacock in a funny hat
and Mrs. Slocombe going
home kale
- 20p for Grace Brothers Staff Home.
Now, that I don't mind.
I mean, what a way to end your days.
When you're too old to bend
down and take an inside leg,
you can sit all day in the
drizzle in a wheelchair,
waiting for that voice to
come crying out of the sky,
"Are you free, Mr. Lucas?"
And five minutes later,
you've got Grainger measuring
you up for a pair of wings,
telling you they'll ride up with wear.
- He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.
- Yeah, all right.
Here's your alterations.
Cor blimey, is that all they give ya?
If you wanna join a working
class, mate, look at that.
- Our workers were strike, you see.
When we come back, we have to do overtime
to catch up with the backlog.
For the sake of wearing a cardboard collar
and calling yourself middle class,
you're doing yourself
out of all the readies.
- We do have one advantage.
What's that, then?
- Take this to the dustbin, Mash.
- Capitalist.
- Mr. Mash.
- Oh, sorry, Constable.
Was I speeding?
- Mr. Mash, you are not
supposed to appear on this floor
after 10:00 in your working clothes.
- Well, how am I supposed
to deliver this lot, then?
Starkers?
- You will leave in the staff entrance,
and attract Mrs. Slocombe's attention.
- Now, look here.
I've been here many--
- Stop arguing, Mr. Mash,
and just do as you are
told by your superiors.
- Well, I'll bet you didn't get 60 quid
in your pay packet this week, did you, eh?
Eh, eh,?
- I'd like a pair of
gloves for my husband.
He has such cold hands.
- Just over there, Madam.
Mr. Mash!
Do handle those with a little delicacy!
They're £44 each!
- Well, I'll tell you something.
I get more for pushin' 'em about
than you do for sellin' 'em.
- You just can't get
the right sort of people
for this job nowadays.
- Yes, and he's worked here for 35 years.
- I've told him in future
to attract your attention
from the staff entrance.
- Thank you, Captain Peacock.
- Now, do bring the gloves
back if they don't fit, Madam,
and we'll change them with pleasure.
- The fingers do seem a bit long.
- Well, don't worry, Madam.
They'll ride up with
wear, everything does.
- Or one of our latest novelties.
An automatic umbrella.
- He won't need it in the south of France.
It hardly ever rains.
- They make very good sunshades as well.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, the center stone is gone.
Look.
- Well, I shouldn't worry, Madam.
I don't think it'll notice
amongst all the others.
- But it was three
carats, worth over £1,000.
And it was so pretty.
- They usually are.
- Are you sure you had
it when you came in?
I mean, are you sure you didn't leave it
trapped in your Rolls Royce?
- Oh, well, I did try on a
mink at Alastair Solomon's.
Perhaps it's there.
- Well, I should pop back
before Alastair sweeps up,
in the meantime.
- I was also at the
hairdresser's first thing.
And then I bought a pair of shoes.
- I tell you what, Madam.
You retrace your steps,
and we'll take care of
everything at this end.
- You're very sweet.
- So I've been told.
- I'm sorry to give you so much trouble.
- It's no trouble at all, Madam.
- Oh, thank you.
Ooh, my husband'll be
furious if he finds out.
I'll give £100 to the person who finds it.
That is very generous.
Now, don't worry.
If it's here, we'll find it.
Mr. Lucas, where are you?
Get up, you fool!
- Look, there's 100 quid
lyin' around here somewhere!
- We don't want the rest
of the shop looking for it.
Otherwise, we won't get the reward.
Now, I'm not just a pretty face.
- I'll tell what, we'll both look,
and if we find it, we'll split it 50-50.
- Well, it was my customer, 60-40.
- Ah, yes, well, then if I
spot it first, 60-40 to me.
- Then if I spot it first, 70-30 to me.
- A straight 50-50.
- A straight 60-40.
- A straight 50-50 is my last offer.
- Give me one good reason.
- I've just spotted it.
- A straight 50-50.
Where have you spotted it?
- Between Peacock's legs.
Oh! I see what you mean.
Oh, it's just by his heel.
It's shining like Beachy Head Lighthouse.
- Yes, and if he looks
down between his legs now,
you and me have got 50% of sweet Fanny.
Listen,
I'll go over there and hide it,
and you try and get it away.
- Why are you standing
like that, Mr. Lucas?
- Why am I standing like
this, Captain Peacock?
- That is what I asked.
- It's your lumbago, Mr. Lucas.
- It's my lumbago, Mr. Lucas,
er, Captain Peacock.
- Why do you suddenly
get it behind my back?
- No, no, it's behind my back.
- Come here, Mr. Lucas.
- At the moment, sir, yes.
- I usually have to massage
it for him, Captain Peacock.
- Oh, the relief!
- Why are you massaging
his ankle, Mr. Humphries?
That's not where you get lumbago.
- If I was to massage him
where you get lumbago,
we'd both be thrown out.
- It's gone!
- It's in my pocket.
- Back to your places, both of you.
- Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.
I'd like a word with everybody.
- Would all the staff
pay attention, please?
Mr. Rumbold would like
a word with everybody.
- Captain Peacock, would you like us
to go back to our places
while Mr. Rumbold has
his word with everyone,
or stay here?
- Don't be juvenile, Mr. Lucas.
- I have just had a message from a lady
who has lost a valuable diamond
somewhere in this department.
Now, she's offering a substantial
reward for its recovery,
so I suggest you all
have a very good search.
Whoever finds it should
bring it straight to me,
and I will divide the reward
equally amongst you all.
- How much is the reward.
- Yes.
- Um, £75.
How does that sound?
- Very convincing, sir.
The old chisler's trying
to do us out of 25 quid.
- It's his ears, you know.
When they're low-set like that,
it means they've got criminal instincts.
- Well, carry on and good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
- Pretend to be looking.
- Now, that's £75.
That's three in this department,
and two in the ladies', that is five,
divided into 75, is five and five, 22,
that'll be £15 each.
- Divided among six, Mr. Grainger.
- Oh, Captain Peacock.
As you are neither a
member of my department
nor of Mrs. Slocombe's,
I don't see how you could possibly have
any claim on the reward.
- I, on the other hand, have
no difficulty whatsoever
in seeing how I might have a claim on it,
and have a claim on it I will.
- Well, I think whosever's
department it's found in
should get the lion's share.
- Well, I think whoever finds it
should get the lion's share.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Well, there's no doubt that
Mr. Lucas has the best suggestion.
- Well, are we all agreed
to cut Captain Peacock in?
- Believe me, Mr. Grainger,
I am very much in.
So now let's all start
looking for it, shall we?
- It must be very small.
- Captain Peacock!
What is the reason for your proximity?
- This is my area, I shall look here.
You look over there.
- Oh.
Captain Peacock?
- On your feet, Captain Peacock.
- Hmm.
- Should we discover the diamond,
wouldn't it be better to take
it to the young lady direct?
Should
you discover the diamond,
Mr. Humphries, it would be
the sensible thing to do, yes.
Madam's butler?
Well, would you tell
Madam when she returns
that we have located her stone.
No, this is not the doctor's,
we are Grace Brothers.
Yes, I have the diamond here in my hand,
and the message is--
Not now, I'm busy with my secretary!
Yes, the message is for her
to come directly to my office
and make the £100 reward to
payable personally to me,
Cuthbert Rumbold,
and I will see that it goes
to those who deserve it.
Yes, good-bye.
Come in!
Oh, yes.
Don't tell anyone else.
You couldn't hear through
the door, could you?
- No, sir.
- Good.
- Pretend you're looking.
- Oh, use your loaf.
If we take it to him,
she'll make out the check for 100 to him,
he'll pocket 25,
and six of us'll have
to share what's left.
Do you follow me?
- Well, I'm trying, but it's
gonna give me housemaid's knee.
Are you being served, sir?
Good.
What we've got to go is to get this woman
to make out the check for 100 to us.
We'll pocket 25 and then
take our share as well.
- Of course, and Rumbold can't complain,
because he was trying to
fiddle us in the first place.
Yeah, but how are we gonna get a hold
of this woman's telephone number
so we can ring her, tell her we've got it,
and then she's gotta come and see us?
- One of us will bravely
sneak into Rumbold's office
when he's at lunch and get it.
- A toss of the coin'll decide.
- Heads.
- Good luck.
- You've got low-set ears
as well, haven't you?
- Mr. Rumbold!
Mr. Rumbold?
Blue-white, flawless,
three carats or more.
58 facets.
What a careless lady.
Now, where's her number?
Ah.
Now, then.
Mr. Rumbold is going to
make a telephone call.
Operator, Rumbold here.
Would you get me 965 0721?
- No, it's only me.
I've found it!
- Put it out of sight!
Follow me.
Now that we've found it,
I'm going to see that we
get the biggest share.
- But I found it.
- It was found in my department,
and I gave you permission to look.
- All right, then, well, how
can we get a bigger share
if we've already agreed?
- Because we'll hide it.
And if they don't divvy up,
we'll say we can't find it.
Hand it over.
- Right.
Oh.
Oh, it must have slipped through.
I can't find it.
- You wouldn't double-cross
me, Miss Brahms.
- No, honest, Mrs. Slocombe, it...
Oh, yes, I've found it.
It's gone down the
insides of me tights, ooh.
Ooh, they're gonna take ages to get off.
- Oh, well, shake it down your leg
and we'll cut the toe off.
- Yes, he went about 10 minutes ago.
And I'm gonna get mine now.
- Quite true.
- Ooh!
- Now, I suggest, Madam,
that you meet me by the
lifts on the ground floor.
Oh, that's quite easy.
I shall be wearing a red carnation.
I am tall, slightly graying at the sides.
Yes, that's right, rather distinguished.
If you'll make the check
payable to Captain S. Peacock,
and I will see that the £75
gets to the one who deserves it.
It was £100?
I see.
Madam is very generous.
Some people have no integrity.
Operator, I wonder if
you'll get me 965 0721.
What, again?
- Yes, again.
Hello,
oh, my name's Lucas.
Could I speak to the lady
that lost the diamond?
Lucas?
- Yes, that's right, Lucas.
Lucas!
- Captain Peacock!
- Ah, well,
I was just trying to ring
up the lady, you see, sir.
- Ah. Yes. Why.
Well, it's a private matter, really.
- Well, you see, sir, she fancied me.
- Ah, you noticed it, too.
- I demand an explanation!
- Shall I come down there,
or will you come up here?
- I was...
I was searching for the diamond.
- It wasn't lost in here.
- Well, it could have been carried in here
on the sole of a shoe
that had a bit of a
chewing gum on the sole.
- I came to say that I hadn't
found the diamond, sir.
- And I came to say that I
hadn't found the diamond either.
- Well, keep searching, gentlemen.
Come in.
- Oh.
May I have a word with Mr. Rumbold?
- Well, I came to say that
I haven't found the diamond.
- And I haven't found it, either.
- But if Miss Brahms or
I did find it, we feel,
and I am unanimous in this,
that we ought to get a bigger cut.
- Yes, well, I think if
you find the diamond,
that's perfectly fair.
- Yes, whoever finds the diamond
should have the larger cut,
nor, indeed, all of it.
- Yes, well, let's agree to that, then.
Whoever finds the diamond
gets all the reward.
- Yes, I definitely agree with that.
- Oh, Mrs. Slocombe--
- Not yet.
Yes, we agree also.
And I think the moment has
come for me to tell you that--
- Come in.
Have you come to tell me that
you haven't found the diamond?
- No, I've come to tell
you that Mr. Grainger has.
- It had rolled under the counter.
Isn't it marvelous?
We all get £12 and 50 new pence.
She must have lost two.
- Or three.
- She couldn't have lost four.
- Come in.
- Come in, Mr. Mash.
- Oh, there you are, Mrs. Slocombe.
Here, you've got a bit of sewing on to do.
I found these in my truck.
- Ah!
They're off the dresses!
It's all rubbish.
Look, we should have guessed.
Look, they're all mounted for sewing on.
- Oh, so they are.
Well, we'll
have to get lucky again,
won't we?
- Just a moment, just a moment.
Rumbold here.
Somebody phoned and suggested what?
Yeah?
Yes, I see.
The lady is on her way up.
Apparently she's been waiting
by the lifts downstairs
for a gentlemen who is tall,
slightly graying at the sides,
rather distinguished, he says,
and wearing a red carnation.
I wonder who that could be?
- Oh.
- Now, correct me if I'm
wrong, Captain Peacock,
but I don't recall you
producing a diamond.
- Well, I...
I thought it was rubbish, like the rest.
- Well, let's have a butcher's.
- Here, here, let me see that.
It's not mounted!
It's the real one.
Ooh, £1,000.
I've never had anything worth that much
in my hand before.
- Neither have I.
- Yes, well, you can all
get back to work now.
And Captain Peacock, I'll
see that you get the £75.
- I prefer to stay, sir,
and receive the full reward personally.
- Come in.
Ah, it's young Mr. Grace!
Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.
- We weren't expecting you, sir.
- No, you were in a
fortnight ago for 10 minutes.
- This young lady has told
me all about it in the lift.
I think you've all done very well.
Thank you, Mr. Grace.
- I'm happy to say that I did.
- Oh, I'm very grateful to you.
And now I'll give you the £100 I promised.
- It was a bad line.
- Well, I'm going to put in another £100,
making it £200 in all.
- That's very generous of you, Mr. Grace.
- Oh, yes, you're all going to benefit.
Now, you make the check out to me,
and I will make out
another check for £100--
- £200, I think you said, Mr. Grace.
- £200 to go to Grace Brothers Staff Home.
You see, virtue does bring its own reward,
as I can see by all your happy faces.
- Grace Brothers Staff Home.
- Well, it rather seems that I shall be
the first one to benefit.
Theme)
♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor, carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Material, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas
♫ Going down
♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor, carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas
♫ Going down
- Miss Brahms.
- Yes, I know, Captain Peacock, I'm late.
- Not good enough, Miss Brahms.
You are 15 minutes late.
What would happen if everybody
else was 15 minutes late?
- The store would open at quarter past.
- Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms.
Captain Peacock is quite within his rights
to dress you down.
- Yes.
It's Friday, I haven't got any money,
and I couldn't afford the bus fare.
I had to hitchhike.
- Then you should have left home earlier.
- I did.
I stood on the corner
and I lifted my skirt
and showed a bit of stocking
like Marilyn Monroe did in Bus Stop.
- The bus crashed.
And I had to make a statement.
- The same thing happened to me once
with a centurion tank.
- Were you trying to
stop it, Mrs. Slocombe,
or were you driving it?
- I think Mr. Grainger is trying
to attract your attention,
Captain Peacock.
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- I hope you won't mind
my mentioning the fact,
but I left my purse behind
on the wireless in the
kitchen this morning.
- No, I don't mind you
mentioning it at all.
- No, well, I was wondering
if you could let me have the pound back
which I lent you yesterday.
- Of course, Mr. Grainger, I...
Oh, dear.
I, too, seem to have left
my notecase in the study
on top of the color television set.
I seem to remember that
you did the same thing
last Friday, Stephen.
- Yes, Ernest.
Yes, it seems I'm
getting rather forgetful.
- Yes.
That's why I reminded you about the pound.
- Don't worry, Mr. Grainger.
Our pay will be down in a moment,
and as soon as I can get change
for one of my larger notes,
you shall have it.
- You know, you really should try
to make your money last
out the week, Miss Brahms.
- I can't even make it last the weekend.
- Clothes.
- Yes, clothes, so the
boys'll ask me out to dinner.
- Yes, but if you didn't
spend it on clothes,
you could stay at home and
cook something for yourself.
- Oh, I can't afford
to buy food for meself.
It's too expensive.
- Yes, but you could afford it
if you didn't spend your money on clothes.
- Yes, well, if I spent my money on food,
I couldn't afford to
spend it on the clothes
so the boys would ask me out to dinner.
- I just don't understand
young people nowadays.
I don't understand what
you're talking about.
- I just like going out, that's all.
- My dear girl, I could be wined and dined
every night if I wanted to.
If it wasn't for that awful
wrestling match in the car
when you got home.
Those roving hands and the sloppy kisses
and the fight to get the
door open and escape.
- Did many of them get
away, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Go and check the till, Miss Brahms.
- Well, so, anyway, I couldn't
take her home to my place,
see, 'cause it was Thursday night,
and that's the night me mum does her feet.
- Well, I suppose that would
take the romance out of it.
So what did you do?
- Well, I took her back to hers.
It was an absolute disaster.
Her old man came back early
and insisted on watching
the telly with us.
Then her aunt came back.
Then her mum came home from Bingo.
And then her sister came
downstairs with the baby
'cause it wouldn't stop crying.
Three hours later, her old man asked me
what my intentions were.
I told him, "With all you
lot here, nothing at all."
So he kicked me out.
What did you do?
- Well, I had an old
friend round to dinner,
but it wasn't a very successful evening.
I mean, you've got to be
in the mood for cooking,
haven't you?
I got a bit cross and
slammed the over door,
and, well, me Yorkshires wouldn't rise.
You know, I didn't know which way to turn,
which is very unusual for me.
- Yeah.
- I got me rolling pin out,
I flattened it all down,
I threw a tin of fruit salad on it
and served it as a surprise pancake.
It made the evening.
- Yes, it would.
Hello, what's this?
That's a friend of mine.
- You left in such a hurry.
I forgot to give you the keys to the flat.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
I'll phone you when I'm free.
- Well, we've known each other for ages.
We see a lot of each other.
- She's a very good friend of mine.
- Look at those legs!
- That is a very lovely person.
- You're telling me!
- And I'll tell you something else.
She's much more settled since
she's had the operation.
- Come in.
- Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, come in.
It's Friday once again.
- It is indeed, sir.
- Would you be good enough to
take round these pay packets?
- Yes, sir.
Well, that's what all the
workers have been waiting for.
- I don't know how they
manage, some of them.
- By Friday morning,
half of them are borrowing money for...
Where's mine?
- Oh, some mistake in accounts.
They say it'll be through this afternoon.
See you for lunch as usual?
- Um, no, I'm putting it
on a bit round the old tum.
- Perfect, Miss Brahms.
There, you see, Madam.
With the shorter hem and the
alterations to the sleeves
and a bit taken out of the back,
and, oh, yes, the shoulders
adjusted and the buttons moved,
it'll fit you like a glove.
- Wouldn't it be easier
to get one in my size?
- But it's an unrepeatable offer.
- Yes, it's last year's stock.
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
If Madam would like to
go into the fitting room
and take it off, we'll get
it sent away for alterations.
- Oh, much less than a month.
And I'll have the £2 alteration
fee put on Madam's account.
- Well, it does have to
go to Edinburgh, Madam.
All our alterations go to Edinburgh.
I mean, if you have them done in London,
you never know who'll be
handling the garment, do you?
- Very well, then.
- Only a woman with your
persuasive tongue, Mrs. Slocombe,
could unload a 44 long onto a 36 short.
- Well, we have to get
our commission somehow.
- The receipt slips are inside, as usual.
- Yeah, they've taken £4.62 in tax!
- And you owe me a pound, don't forget.
- Well, with all this
kneeling we have to do,
they ought to give us
something for our tights.
Look at my knees, look at them!
They're all baggy.
- Pull them up, Miss Brahms.
- Yes.
I have to get long ones
on account of the fact
that I've got big feet.
- It might solve your
problem, Miss Brahms,
if you wore braces.
- Very funny.
- Or, alternatively,
you could sew suspenders
onto your brassiere.
Around the chest, I mean.
- Well, he can get into
my sweater quite easily.
- In that case, you can't go
wrong with a fluffy Fair Isle.
- Difficult to say.
He's about your build and he's ginger.
- Oh.
Well, that goes with a
fluffy Fair Isle, all right.
- He's got a beard.
- His eyes are a different color.
- Would it be easier
if you brought him in?
- Well, that'd spoil the surprise.
And he loves a surprise.
- Oh, well, you bring him in then, Madam.
Mr. Humphries'll find a
way of surprising him.
- I'll do that.
Thank you.
Not at all.
Good morning, Madam.
Mr. Humphries,
Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Yes, we're free.
- Check these, please.
Mr. Grainger, are you free?
- At the moment.
Thank you.
- Oh, blimey!
£11, 47p?
I'm supposed to get 19 quid a week!
- Well, there's probably some deductions.
Check your slip.
- Tax, £6.12.
- Well, you see, the
Concorde is expensive.
Then there's the Coal Board
and the Iron and Steel
Board, the railways,
not to mention the upkeep of our stall
in the common market.
You know, you've got
yourself a bargain there
if you didn't but know it.
- National Health, £1.21.
I haven't been near a
doctor in five years.
- Oh, well, when you get pregnant,
you'll get your maternity grant.
- 10p for Grace Brothers Social Club.
Social Club.
A converted scout-hut on
the edge of Romney Marshes.
A cracked ping-pong ball and
three darts with foul pest.
- It's worth it for the
annual outing alone.
Now, where else could you see
Captain Peacock in a funny hat
and Mrs. Slocombe going
home kale
- 20p for Grace Brothers Staff Home.
Now, that I don't mind.
I mean, what a way to end your days.
When you're too old to bend
down and take an inside leg,
you can sit all day in the
drizzle in a wheelchair,
waiting for that voice to
come crying out of the sky,
"Are you free, Mr. Lucas?"
And five minutes later,
you've got Grainger measuring
you up for a pair of wings,
telling you they'll ride up with wear.
- He'll measure you for an asbestos suit.
- Yeah, all right.
Here's your alterations.
Cor blimey, is that all they give ya?
If you wanna join a working
class, mate, look at that.
- Our workers were strike, you see.
When we come back, we have to do overtime
to catch up with the backlog.
For the sake of wearing a cardboard collar
and calling yourself middle class,
you're doing yourself
out of all the readies.
- We do have one advantage.
What's that, then?
- Take this to the dustbin, Mash.
- Capitalist.
- Mr. Mash.
- Oh, sorry, Constable.
Was I speeding?
- Mr. Mash, you are not
supposed to appear on this floor
after 10:00 in your working clothes.
- Well, how am I supposed
to deliver this lot, then?
Starkers?
- You will leave in the staff entrance,
and attract Mrs. Slocombe's attention.
- Now, look here.
I've been here many--
- Stop arguing, Mr. Mash,
and just do as you are
told by your superiors.
- Well, I'll bet you didn't get 60 quid
in your pay packet this week, did you, eh?
Eh, eh,?
- I'd like a pair of
gloves for my husband.
He has such cold hands.
- Just over there, Madam.
Mr. Mash!
Do handle those with a little delicacy!
They're £44 each!
- Well, I'll tell you something.
I get more for pushin' 'em about
than you do for sellin' 'em.
- You just can't get
the right sort of people
for this job nowadays.
- Yes, and he's worked here for 35 years.
- I've told him in future
to attract your attention
from the staff entrance.
- Thank you, Captain Peacock.
- Now, do bring the gloves
back if they don't fit, Madam,
and we'll change them with pleasure.
- The fingers do seem a bit long.
- Well, don't worry, Madam.
They'll ride up with
wear, everything does.
- Or one of our latest novelties.
An automatic umbrella.
- He won't need it in the south of France.
It hardly ever rains.
- They make very good sunshades as well.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, the center stone is gone.
Look.
- Well, I shouldn't worry, Madam.
I don't think it'll notice
amongst all the others.
- But it was three
carats, worth over £1,000.
And it was so pretty.
- They usually are.
- Are you sure you had
it when you came in?
I mean, are you sure you didn't leave it
trapped in your Rolls Royce?
- Oh, well, I did try on a
mink at Alastair Solomon's.
Perhaps it's there.
- Well, I should pop back
before Alastair sweeps up,
in the meantime.
- I was also at the
hairdresser's first thing.
And then I bought a pair of shoes.
- I tell you what, Madam.
You retrace your steps,
and we'll take care of
everything at this end.
- You're very sweet.
- So I've been told.
- I'm sorry to give you so much trouble.
- It's no trouble at all, Madam.
- Oh, thank you.
Ooh, my husband'll be
furious if he finds out.
I'll give £100 to the person who finds it.
That is very generous.
Now, don't worry.
If it's here, we'll find it.
Mr. Lucas, where are you?
Get up, you fool!
- Look, there's 100 quid
lyin' around here somewhere!
- We don't want the rest
of the shop looking for it.
Otherwise, we won't get the reward.
Now, I'm not just a pretty face.
- I'll tell what, we'll both look,
and if we find it, we'll split it 50-50.
- Well, it was my customer, 60-40.
- Ah, yes, well, then if I
spot it first, 60-40 to me.
- Then if I spot it first, 70-30 to me.
- A straight 50-50.
- A straight 60-40.
- A straight 50-50 is my last offer.
- Give me one good reason.
- I've just spotted it.
- A straight 50-50.
Where have you spotted it?
- Between Peacock's legs.
Oh! I see what you mean.
Oh, it's just by his heel.
It's shining like Beachy Head Lighthouse.
- Yes, and if he looks
down between his legs now,
you and me have got 50% of sweet Fanny.
Listen,
I'll go over there and hide it,
and you try and get it away.
- Why are you standing
like that, Mr. Lucas?
- Why am I standing like
this, Captain Peacock?
- That is what I asked.
- It's your lumbago, Mr. Lucas.
- It's my lumbago, Mr. Lucas,
er, Captain Peacock.
- Why do you suddenly
get it behind my back?
- No, no, it's behind my back.
- Come here, Mr. Lucas.
- At the moment, sir, yes.
- I usually have to massage
it for him, Captain Peacock.
- Oh, the relief!
- Why are you massaging
his ankle, Mr. Humphries?
That's not where you get lumbago.
- If I was to massage him
where you get lumbago,
we'd both be thrown out.
- It's gone!
- It's in my pocket.
- Back to your places, both of you.
- Good afternoon, Captain Peacock.
I'd like a word with everybody.
- Would all the staff
pay attention, please?
Mr. Rumbold would like
a word with everybody.
- Captain Peacock, would you like us
to go back to our places
while Mr. Rumbold has
his word with everyone,
or stay here?
- Don't be juvenile, Mr. Lucas.
- I have just had a message from a lady
who has lost a valuable diamond
somewhere in this department.
Now, she's offering a substantial
reward for its recovery,
so I suggest you all
have a very good search.
Whoever finds it should
bring it straight to me,
and I will divide the reward
equally amongst you all.
- How much is the reward.
- Yes.
- Um, £75.
How does that sound?
- Very convincing, sir.
The old chisler's trying
to do us out of 25 quid.
- It's his ears, you know.
When they're low-set like that,
it means they've got criminal instincts.
- Well, carry on and good luck.
- Thank you, sir.
- Pretend to be looking.
- Now, that's £75.
That's three in this department,
and two in the ladies', that is five,
divided into 75, is five and five, 22,
that'll be £15 each.
- Divided among six, Mr. Grainger.
- Oh, Captain Peacock.
As you are neither a
member of my department
nor of Mrs. Slocombe's,
I don't see how you could possibly have
any claim on the reward.
- I, on the other hand, have
no difficulty whatsoever
in seeing how I might have a claim on it,
and have a claim on it I will.
- Well, I think whosever's
department it's found in
should get the lion's share.
- Well, I think whoever finds it
should get the lion's share.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Well, there's no doubt that
Mr. Lucas has the best suggestion.
- Well, are we all agreed
to cut Captain Peacock in?
- Believe me, Mr. Grainger,
I am very much in.
So now let's all start
looking for it, shall we?
- It must be very small.
- Captain Peacock!
What is the reason for your proximity?
- This is my area, I shall look here.
You look over there.
- Oh.
Captain Peacock?
- On your feet, Captain Peacock.
- Hmm.
- Should we discover the diamond,
wouldn't it be better to take
it to the young lady direct?
Should
you discover the diamond,
Mr. Humphries, it would be
the sensible thing to do, yes.
Madam's butler?
Well, would you tell
Madam when she returns
that we have located her stone.
No, this is not the doctor's,
we are Grace Brothers.
Yes, I have the diamond here in my hand,
and the message is--
Not now, I'm busy with my secretary!
Yes, the message is for her
to come directly to my office
and make the £100 reward to
payable personally to me,
Cuthbert Rumbold,
and I will see that it goes
to those who deserve it.
Yes, good-bye.
Come in!
Oh, yes.
Don't tell anyone else.
You couldn't hear through
the door, could you?
- No, sir.
- Good.
- Pretend you're looking.
- Oh, use your loaf.
If we take it to him,
she'll make out the check for 100 to him,
he'll pocket 25,
and six of us'll have
to share what's left.
Do you follow me?
- Well, I'm trying, but it's
gonna give me housemaid's knee.
Are you being served, sir?
Good.
What we've got to go is to get this woman
to make out the check for 100 to us.
We'll pocket 25 and then
take our share as well.
- Of course, and Rumbold can't complain,
because he was trying to
fiddle us in the first place.
Yeah, but how are we gonna get a hold
of this woman's telephone number
so we can ring her, tell her we've got it,
and then she's gotta come and see us?
- One of us will bravely
sneak into Rumbold's office
when he's at lunch and get it.
- A toss of the coin'll decide.
- Heads.
- Good luck.
- You've got low-set ears
as well, haven't you?
- Mr. Rumbold!
Mr. Rumbold?
Blue-white, flawless,
three carats or more.
58 facets.
What a careless lady.
Now, where's her number?
Ah.
Now, then.
Mr. Rumbold is going to
make a telephone call.
Operator, Rumbold here.
Would you get me 965 0721?
- No, it's only me.
I've found it!
- Put it out of sight!
Follow me.
Now that we've found it,
I'm going to see that we
get the biggest share.
- But I found it.
- It was found in my department,
and I gave you permission to look.
- All right, then, well, how
can we get a bigger share
if we've already agreed?
- Because we'll hide it.
And if they don't divvy up,
we'll say we can't find it.
Hand it over.
- Right.
Oh.
Oh, it must have slipped through.
I can't find it.
- You wouldn't double-cross
me, Miss Brahms.
- No, honest, Mrs. Slocombe, it...
Oh, yes, I've found it.
It's gone down the
insides of me tights, ooh.
Ooh, they're gonna take ages to get off.
- Oh, well, shake it down your leg
and we'll cut the toe off.
- Yes, he went about 10 minutes ago.
And I'm gonna get mine now.
- Quite true.
- Ooh!
- Now, I suggest, Madam,
that you meet me by the
lifts on the ground floor.
Oh, that's quite easy.
I shall be wearing a red carnation.
I am tall, slightly graying at the sides.
Yes, that's right, rather distinguished.
If you'll make the check
payable to Captain S. Peacock,
and I will see that the £75
gets to the one who deserves it.
It was £100?
I see.
Madam is very generous.
Some people have no integrity.
Operator, I wonder if
you'll get me 965 0721.
What, again?
- Yes, again.
Hello,
oh, my name's Lucas.
Could I speak to the lady
that lost the diamond?
Lucas?
- Yes, that's right, Lucas.
Lucas!
- Captain Peacock!
- Ah, well,
I was just trying to ring
up the lady, you see, sir.
- Ah. Yes. Why.
Well, it's a private matter, really.
- Well, you see, sir, she fancied me.
- Ah, you noticed it, too.
- I demand an explanation!
- Shall I come down there,
or will you come up here?
- I was...
I was searching for the diamond.
- It wasn't lost in here.
- Well, it could have been carried in here
on the sole of a shoe
that had a bit of a
chewing gum on the sole.
- I came to say that I hadn't
found the diamond, sir.
- And I came to say that I
hadn't found the diamond either.
- Well, keep searching, gentlemen.
Come in.
- Oh.
May I have a word with Mr. Rumbold?
- Well, I came to say that
I haven't found the diamond.
- And I haven't found it, either.
- But if Miss Brahms or
I did find it, we feel,
and I am unanimous in this,
that we ought to get a bigger cut.
- Yes, well, I think if
you find the diamond,
that's perfectly fair.
- Yes, whoever finds the diamond
should have the larger cut,
nor, indeed, all of it.
- Yes, well, let's agree to that, then.
Whoever finds the diamond
gets all the reward.
- Yes, I definitely agree with that.
- Oh, Mrs. Slocombe--
- Not yet.
Yes, we agree also.
And I think the moment has
come for me to tell you that--
- Come in.
Have you come to tell me that
you haven't found the diamond?
- No, I've come to tell
you that Mr. Grainger has.
- It had rolled under the counter.
Isn't it marvelous?
We all get £12 and 50 new pence.
She must have lost two.
- Or three.
- She couldn't have lost four.
- Come in.
- Come in, Mr. Mash.
- Oh, there you are, Mrs. Slocombe.
Here, you've got a bit of sewing on to do.
I found these in my truck.
- Ah!
They're off the dresses!
It's all rubbish.
Look, we should have guessed.
Look, they're all mounted for sewing on.
- Oh, so they are.
Well, we'll
have to get lucky again,
won't we?
- Just a moment, just a moment.
Rumbold here.
Somebody phoned and suggested what?
Yeah?
Yes, I see.
The lady is on her way up.
Apparently she's been waiting
by the lifts downstairs
for a gentlemen who is tall,
slightly graying at the sides,
rather distinguished, he says,
and wearing a red carnation.
I wonder who that could be?
- Oh.
- Now, correct me if I'm
wrong, Captain Peacock,
but I don't recall you
producing a diamond.
- Well, I...
I thought it was rubbish, like the rest.
- Well, let's have a butcher's.
- Here, here, let me see that.
It's not mounted!
It's the real one.
Ooh, £1,000.
I've never had anything worth that much
in my hand before.
- Neither have I.
- Yes, well, you can all
get back to work now.
And Captain Peacock, I'll
see that you get the £75.
- I prefer to stay, sir,
and receive the full reward personally.
- Come in.
Ah, it's young Mr. Grace!
Good afternoon, Mr. Grace.
- We weren't expecting you, sir.
- No, you were in a
fortnight ago for 10 minutes.
- This young lady has told
me all about it in the lift.
I think you've all done very well.
Thank you, Mr. Grace.
- I'm happy to say that I did.
- Oh, I'm very grateful to you.
And now I'll give you the £100 I promised.
- It was a bad line.
- Well, I'm going to put in another £100,
making it £200 in all.
- That's very generous of you, Mr. Grace.
- Oh, yes, you're all going to benefit.
Now, you make the check out to me,
and I will make out
another check for £100--
- £200, I think you said, Mr. Grace.
- £200 to go to Grace Brothers Staff Home.
You see, virtue does bring its own reward,
as I can see by all your happy faces.
- Grace Brothers Staff Home.
- Well, it rather seems that I shall be
the first one to benefit.
Theme)
♫ Ground floor, perfumery,
stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor, telephones,
gents' ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor, carpets,
travel goods, and bedding
♫ Material, soft furnishing,
restaurant, and teas
♫ Going down