Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 2, Episode 2 - Cold Comfort - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS... ♪

- GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
- Women: MORNING.

- HOW ARE WE THIS MORNING?
- MY CHAMOIS' GONE STIFF.

IT'S SO COLD, I HAVE TO KEEP
BREAKING THE ICE IN MY BUCKET.

- WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THE HEATING?
- IT'S BEEN TURNED OFF.

HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?
THERE'S A FUEL CRISIS.

TYPICAL. THEY WOULD CHOOSE
THE COLDEST MORNING OF THE YEAR.



OH, IT'S A LITTLE BRISK
THIS MORNING, LADIES.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO
THE HEATING IN HERE?

IT'S BEEN TURNED OFF, BY ORDER.

WHOSE SILLY IDEA WAS THAT?

IT WAS MINE.

BUT SURELY, SIR, THIS IS ONE OF THE
DAYS THAT WE'RE ALLOWED HEATING?

GRACE BROTHERS' FUEL
STOCKS ARE PRACTICALLY NIL.

IT WAS A BOARDROOM
LEVEL DISCUSSION,

AND IT WAS AGREED TO
MAKE THIS FURTHER SACRIFICE

IN THE INTERESTS
OF EKING THEM OUT.

I SHALL BE MAKING A
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

AS SOON AS THE REST
OF THE STAFF ARE HERE.

WELL...
- HELLO, CHEEKY.
- SAUCEBOX.

OH... IT'S THE MASKED STRANGER.



TAKE MY BODY, BUT
LEAVE MY JEWELS ALONE.

- GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.
- I WITHDRAW THE OFFER.

VERY USEFUL FOR
KEEPING OUT THE COLD.

WHATEVER HAS HAPPENED TO
THE CENTRAL HEATING IN HERE?

MY BALLPOINT WILL NEVER
FUNCTION IN THIS WEATHER.

OH, OH...!

IT'S LIKE AN IGLOO IN HERE.

I THINK IT'S WARMER OUTSIDE.

MORNING, MRS.
SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS.

- GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
- ONE MINUTE LATE.

YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE ME
AT ALL, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I HAD TO THAW MY
PUSSY OUT BEFORE I CAME.

IT'D BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, MR. GRAINGER.

GOOD MORNING, MR. GRAINGER.

OOH, HE'S THE RUDEST MAN
I EVER CLAPPED EYES ON.

MORNING, MR. GRAINGER.

OH, GOOD MORNING, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

BUT MY PIPES WERE
ABSOLUTELY FROZEN SOLID.

NEVER MIND, MR. GRAINGER.
A NICE HOT CUP OF TEA

WILL SOON GET
THEM WORKING AGAIN.

MR. LUCAS NOT HERE, I SEE.

HE'S JUST COMING.

OH, LOOK, IT'S SONJA HENIE.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

DON'T TELL ME YOU
SKATED HERE, MR. LUCAS?

NO, I WENT SKATING LAST
NIGHT WITH A GIRLFRIEND,

AND SHE'S GOT THIN BLOOD.

WHAT HAS THAT TO DO
WITH YOUR BEING LATE?

I HAD TO STAY THE NIGHT WITH HER
TO KEEP HER CIRCULATION GOING.

IT'S A BIT TATERS IN HERE
THIS MORNING, ISN'T IT?

YOU NEEDN'T CONCERN
YOURSELF WITH THE HEAT.

MR. RUMBOLD IS GOING TO MAKE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW MOMENTS.

WE'VE GOT NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT THEN, HAVE WE?

THE SHEER EXCITEMENT OF AN
ANNOUNCEMENT BY MR. RUMBOLD

IS SENDING BLOOD POUNDING
THROUGH MY TEMPLES ALREADY.

THAT'S NOT EXCITEMENT,
THAT'S A HANGOVER.

- IS EVERYONE HERE?
- FINALLY, YES.

GATHER ROUND. MR. RUMBOLD
WISHES TO ADDRESS YOU.

DEPARTMENTAL STAFF
ONLY, NOT CLEANERS.

OH. BUCKETS.

MR. GRAINGER, WILL YOU JOIN US?

OH, YES, IT IS VERY
PARKY, ISN'T IT?

YES, I HAD TO PUT MY LONG
UNDERPANTS ON THIS MORNING.

ALLOW ME.

HE'S READY TO RECEIVE.

WOULD YOU MIND
JOINING US, MR. GRAINGER?

OH, YES, YES. I'M SORRY,

BUT I HAVE TO KEEP
THIS WOOL IN MY EARS.

OTHERWISE, THE WAX GOES HARD.

WE MUST KEEP THE WAX
FLOWING, MUSTN'T WE?

PERHAPS YOU COULD
JUST KEEP IT OUT

WHILE I MAKE MY
ANNOUNCEMENT, HMM?

AS YOU KNOW, THE
NATURAL FUEL RESOURCES

OF THE WORLD ARE IN JEOPARDY.

THAT'S ABOUT 10
MILES NORTH OF MECCA.

I USED TO GO DANCING
THERE, YOU KNOW.

LISTEN TO THIS. LISTEN, NOW.

"IT TOOK 70 MILLION YEARS

FOR NATURE TO BUILD THESE
RESOURCES OF COAL AND OIL.

IN THE SPACE OF 70 SHORT
YEARS, MAN HAS RAVISHED THEM."

IT'S TYPICAL OF MEN.

THE FACT IS, WE
CANNOT GET ENOUGH.

( together ) TRUE.

"STOCKS OF WORLD OIL HAVE
NEVER BEEN AT SUCH A LOW EBB,

THE SITUATION NEVER
MORE DESPERATE."

WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE
PULLED OUT OF SUEZ.

UH, QUITE. NOW, WHERE WAS I?

"DESPERATE."

AH, OH, YES. "WORLD OIL HAS
NEVER BEEN AT SUCH A LOW EBB."

AND NEITHER HAS GRACE
BROTHERS' COKE SOURCE.

WE SHALL ALL HAVE
TO DO WHAT WE CAN

TO COMBAT THIS CRITICAL CRISIS.

DOES THAT MEAN WE'VE
GOT TO GO DOWN THE MINES?

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- PRESENT.

IT HAS BEEN DECIDED
AT BOARDROOM LEVEL

THAT THE CENTRAL
HEATING OF GRACE BROTHERS

WILL BE TURNED OFF ONE ADDITIONAL
DAY PER WEEK, STARTING WITH TODAY.

COULDN'T WE WAIT
UNTIL THE SUMMER?

I KNOW THAT YOU'RE ALL BEHIND ME

TO HELP PULL THIS COUNTRY
THROUGH. THESE ARE DARK DAYS,

BUT I FEEL SURE THE END OF
THE TUNNEL CANNOT BE FAR AWAY.

BEFORE LONG, I'M CERTAIN

WE SHALL BURST FORTH
INTO THE LIGHT AGAIN.

OH, WHEN I HEAR WORDS LIKE THAT,

IT MAKES ME PROUD TO BE BRITISH.

THANK YOU, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

BUT CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE
ELECTRIC FIRE BEHIND THE COUNTER?

NO, CERTAINLY NOT. ELECTRIC
HEATERS ARE ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN.

- CAN WE KEEP
OUR COATS ON, THEN?
- NO, NO, NO, REALLY.

YOU MUST REMEMBER, AFTER ALL,

IT'S THE SAME FOR
ALL OF US, HMM?

SO, CARRY ON, AND GOOD LUCK.

I WISH I'D PUT ON THICKER
KNICKERS THIS MORNING.

YOU YOUNG GIRLS TODAY
DON'T WEAR ENOUGH CLOTHES.

AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

I KEEP WARM WITH THIS.

SEE? THE COMMANDOS USED
TO WEAR THEM DURING THE WAR.

YOU'D DO WELL TO DO THE SAME.

WHAT, STRING KNICKERS?
YOU MUST BE JOKING.

I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS,

EXPECTING US TO FIT A CUSTOMER
WITH A BRA IN THIS WEATHER.

NOW, REMEMBER, AS
MR. RUMBOLD SAYS,

IT IS THE SAME FOR ALL OF US.

YELLOW AND GREEN.

MUST BE THE EARTH.

THAT'S IT.

THE SWITCH IS OFF.

RIGHT, THEN... HERE WE GO.

FSSH...!

COFFEE, MR. RUMBOLD.

HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR
ELECTRIC FIRE, ARE YOU?

FIRE? WHAT FIRE?

THAT FIRE.

OH YES, THAT FIRE.

I'VE JUST TAKEN THE PLUG OFF

TO MAKE SURE THAT NO
ONE CAN USE IT BY ACCIDENT.

NEVER MIND, MR. RUMBOLD.

I WON'T MENTION THE SPECIAL
PRIVILEGES OF THE MANAGERIAL CLASSES

WHILE THE POOR OLD WORKERS ARE
OUT THERE FREEZING THEIR... KNEES OFF.

NOW, THEN...

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO INVEST
IN A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH, EH?

FELL OFF THE BACK OF A LORRY.

CERTAINLY NOT.

OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN. I'LL JUST
HAVE TO TELL THEM OUT THERE THAT...

YOU DON'T NEED IT 'CAUSE YOU'VE
GOT YOUR FIRE TO KEEP YOU WARM.

MR. MASH!

- YES?
- HOW MUCH?

I THINK YOU'LL FIND THESE
IMITATION RABBITSKIN GLOVES

TO YOUR LIKING, SIR. WE'VE
HAD QUITE A RUN ON THEM.

IMITATION RABBIT?

YES, THEY'RE JUST LIKE THE
REAL THING, AREN'T THEY?

WE DAREN'T PUT TWO PAIRS IN
THE SAME DRAWER TOGETHER, SIR.

THANK YOU, MR. LUCAS.

- I SUPPOSE I'D
BETTER TAKE THEM THEN.
- CERTAINLY, SIR.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?

AT THE MOMENT, YES.

- COULD I HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU?
- YES, CERTAINLY.

WELL... IT'S RATHER PERSONAL.

AH.

MISS BRAHMS HAS JUST BEEN...

AND IT'S FROZEN OVER.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THE LADIES'... IT'S SOLID.

I SEE.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU
EXPECT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

I... I THOUGHT I'D ASK YOU...

IF WE COULD USE THE GENTS'.

- IT'S RATHER URGENT.
- YES, WELL, I'LL...

I'LL HAVE A WORD
WITH MR. GRAINGER.

YOU MUST GO THROUGH THE
RIGHT CHANNELS, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, WELL, DON'T BE TOO LONG.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, I'M FREE.

A SLIGHTLY DELICATE
SITUATION HAS ARISEN.

IT APPEARS...

HE'S ASKING GRAINGER.

OH, FANCY TELLING
GRAINGER I WANTED TO GO.

YES, I UNDERSTAND,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

OF COURSE, I SHALL HAVE
TO CONSULT MY COLLEAGUES.

MR. HUMPHRIES,
MR. LUCAS, ARE YOU FREE?

- WE'RE FREE.
- WE'RE FREE.

OH, WE'LL BE SENDING FOR
DR. KISSINGER IN A MINUTE.

IT'S DEGRADING. HE'S
TELLING THEM ALL NOW.

WHY CAN'T SHE USE THE ONE
IN THE BARGAIN BASEMENT?

YES, OR THE PUBLIC ONE
ON THE SPORTS FLOOR?

NO, NO. YOU KNOW THOSE
ARE OUT OF BOUNDS TO STAFF.

I THINK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

IN VIEW OF THE APPARENT
URGENCY OF THE EMERGENCY,

THAT WE COULD ALLOW THE LADIES

TO HAVE ACCESS
TO OUR FACILITIES.

- AGREED?
- I AGREE,
MR. GRAINGER.

- MR. LUCAS?
- YES, AND MAY I SAY,
WHAT A TRIUMPH FOR DEMOCRACY.

THEN I WILL CONVEY YOUR UNANIMOUS
DECISION TO THE PARTY CONCERNED.

- WELL?
- THEY'VE AGREED.

THERE YOU ARE, MISS BRAHMS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO NOW.

MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M WARMING MY HANDS
IN THE CASHMERE.

OH.

IT WAS SO COLD LAST NIGHT,

I HAD TO IRON THE SHEETS
BEFORE I GOT INTO BED.

I'LL TELL YOU, THESE POWER
CUTS MAKE ME WISH I WAS MARRIED.

PSST!

- WHAT?
- WHAT?

- PSST!
- OH.

HERE, LADS. WHAT ABOUT A CUP
OF UNDER-THE-COUNTER COCOA?

OH, YEAH. DON'T LET PEACOCK SEE.

IF HE COMPLAINS,
HE WON'T GET ONE.

HE'S ONE OF US.

- 10 PENCE EACH.
- HE'S NOT ONE OF US.

YOU WANT TO GET A
FIRE LIKE OLD RUMBOLD.

HE AIN'T ONE OF YOU EITHER.

A FIRE? RUMBOLD'S GOT A FIRE?

THAT DOES IT.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
- COVER FOR ME.

YOU'RE WANTED IN THE
FITTING ROOM, MR. LUCAS.

I'M JUST GOING TO THE
FITTING ROOM, MR. HUMPHRIES.

MR. MASH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LITTLE COMFORT
FOR THE TROOPS, SIR.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
ON THIS FLOOR AFTER 9:30.

NICE HOT CUP OF COCOA, CAPTAIN?

LEAVE THE FLOOR.

I'LL LEAVE ONE ROUND
THE BACK FOR YOU.

I DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

( loudly ) I SAID I'D LEAVE ONE
ROUND THE BACK FOR YOU!

MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU LADIES

ON THE WAY YOU'RE BEARING UP
UNDER THESE ARCTIC CONDITIONS?

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
TOO COLD, MISS BRAHMS.

NO, I BORROWED A
PAIR OF EARMUFFS.

I TRUST YOU'RE NOT CONTEMPLATING

WEARING THEM IN THE DEPARTMENT?

I ALREADY AM.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,
DO YOU ALLOW THAT?

I REALLY DON'T SEE
HOW I CAN COMPLAIN,

CONSIDERING I'M WEARING THESE.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE THOSE?

A PAIR OF MR. GRAINGER'S
LONGJOHNS.

MR. GRAINGER'S?

THEY'RE FROM
MR. GRAINGER'S DEPARTMENT.

APPARENTLY, THEY
SHRANK IN THE WASH

AND WERE RETURNED
AS A COMPLAINT.

I'M NOT SURPRISED.

I'M AFRAID I SHALL HAVE TO
ASK YOU TO REMOVE THEM.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK...

WILD HORSES WOULDN'T
DRAG THEM OFF ME.

A PRETTY PICTURE INDEED...

BUT STAFF REGULATIONS REQUIRE
THAT YOU WEAR STOCKINGS OR TIGHTS.

BUT IT DOESN'T SAY I CAN'T
WEAR ANYTHING OVER THEM.

ANYWAY, NOBODY CAN SEE ME
WHEN I'M BEHIND THE COUNTER.

I'M AFRAID I MUST INSIST.

I SEE. THEN I SHALL HAVE
TO GO OVER YOUR HEAD.

YOU WON'T FIND IT EASY IN THOSE.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- YES, MR. HUMPHRIES?

IT'S ENGAGED AT THE MOMENT.

MR. GRAINGER'S
ADJUSTING HIS THERMAL PAD.

I WASN'T GOING THERE.

SORRY I SPOKE.

( knock on door )

JUST A MOMENT!

ENTER.

MR. RUMBOLD, I'M SO
SORRY TO DISTURB YOU,

BUT CAPTAIN PEACOCK
ASKED ME TO REMOVE THESE,

SO I SAID I'D ASK YOU.

YOU APPEAR TO HAVE GOT
THEM HALFWAY DOWN ALREADY.

WHERE EXACTLY ARE THEY STUCK?

NO, NO. THEY'RE NOT STUCK.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THEM.

TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK,

THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR ME.

THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE KEEPING ME WARM.

I SEE. AND ARE THEY?

YES.

THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

DO YOU MIND IF I
DON'T TAKE THEM OFF?

I WOULD PREFER IT.

THANK YOU.

ALWAYS GLAD TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.

I WONDER WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS?

HOLD THE FORT, WILL YOU?

I JUST WANT TO GET A PLUG
FOR THIS ELECTRIC BLANKET.

HAVE A NICE COFFEE
BREAK, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, BUT IT'S JUST AS COLD
IN THE CANTEEN, YOU KNOW.

( shudders )

I DON'T THINK MY THERMAL
PAD IS WORKING AT ALL.

HERE, LET ME WARM IT UP FOR YOU.

( sizzles )

WHERE DID YOU GET...

IT MAKES A LOVELY HANDWARMER.

- WHERE DID YOU GET IT?
- MR. LUCAS DID A FORAY
TO THE ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT.

HE'S DONE US PROUD.

MAY I?

YES.

OH...!

DON'T BE SILLY. IT'S ONLY ME.

NOW, THEN, YOU'D BETTER
TAKE MY HOT-WATER BOTTLE

JUST FOR THE TIME BEING.

IT'LL TAKE THE CHILL
OFF YOUR KIDNEYS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH INDEED.

THANK YOU.

( whirrs )

YOU SHALL GO TO THE BALL.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

GOOD, WE MUSTN'T KEEP
A CUSTOMER WAITING.

- THE IRON.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'VE FIXED
THE ELECTRIC BLANKET NOW.

- NO, BUT, YOU DON'T SEEM...
- Peacock: MR. HUMPHRIES.

I THINK YOU'RE VERY WISE, MADAM,

TO BUY TWO PAIRS
OF THE WOOLY ONES.

IT CAN GET VERY CHILLY
UP THE CAIRNGORMS.

IT CAN INDEED.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP.

YOU'VE HAD A LONG
COFFEE BREAK, HAVEN'T YOU?

I DIDN'T HAVE A COFFEE BREAK.

I WAS TOO BUSY QUEUING UP IN
WINES AND SPIRITS FOR YOUR ORDER.

- KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
- THEY DIDN'T HAVE
ANY HALF BOTTLES.

I HAD TO GET A WHOLE
ONE. IT'S ON YOUR ACCOUNT.

A WHOLE BOTTLE?

HOW CAN I TAKE A DISCREET NIP

OUT OF A WHOLE BOTTLE OF BRANDY?

I MEANT A MINIATURE.

CAN YOU PUT A DROP
OF IT IN SOMETHING?

YES, PASS ME ONE OF THOSE
DUMMY PERFUME BOTTLES.

NO, NO. THAT ONE AT THE
TOP WITH THE SPRAY ON.

NOW PUT IT THERE.

( groans )

MRS. SLOCOMBE, IT'S
FREE IF YOU WANT TO GO.

( whistles )

- THAT'S LOVELY.
- ( buzzing )

ARE YOU BEING SERVED, SIR?

I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT
SOME TROUSERS, PLEASE.

- ONE MOMENT, SIR.
- THANK YOU.

- MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHERE'S MR. LUCAS?
- EXCUSE ME, SIR.

HE'S ROUND THE BEND,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

( chuckles ) THE CIRCULATION'S
COMING BACK AGAIN.

MR. LUCAS, WAKE UP.
YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER.

HAVE I? WHERE?

- OVER HERE. HURRY.
- AH, YES.

UM... CAN'T HE COME OVER HERE?

HE WANTS A PAIR OF
TROUSERS, NOT SHIRTS AND TIES.

RIGHT. YES. HANG ON.

WHERE'S MY SHOES?
WHAT'D I DO WITH MY SHOES?

COME ON, COME
ON. WE'LL LOSE HIM.

I'M JUST COMING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HE WON'T BE A MOMENT, SIR.

IT'S A VERY BUSY DAY, YOU KNOW.

LUCAS... YOUR CUSTOMER.

AH, THERE YOU ARE. YES.

( loudly ) CAN I HELP YOU, SIR?!

YES, PLEASE. I'D... AHEM...

( loudly ) I'D LIKE A
PAIR OF TROUSERS!

BRING YOUR TAPE
OVER HERE, LUCAS.

MY TAPE. YES.

YES.

I SUPPOSE THE
GENTLEMAN COULDN'T COME

STICK HIS LEG UP ON THE COUNTER
AND I COULD DO IT FROM HERE?

NO, I SUPPOSE I COULDN'T.

( buzzing )

AHEM...

DON'T WORRY, SIR. HE'LL
BE WITH YOU ANY MINUTE.

- LUCAS!
- I JUST DROPPED
MY TAPE MEASURE, SIR.

I'LL JUST TAKE
YOUR INSIDE LEG, SIR.

MR. LUCAS, WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT ON YOUR FEET?

- ON MY FEET,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
- YES, MR. LUCAS.

AH, YES, WELL,

IT'S A NEW LINE, YOU SEE, SIR.

CONTINENTAL NOVELTY FOOTWARMERS.

THEY LOOK LIKE GLOVES.

QUITE RIGHT. YES.

THEY'RE DUAL-PURPOSE, YOU SEE.

THEY WERE DESIGNED ESPECIALLY

BECAUSE OF THE CRISIS
IN THE MIDDLE EAST.

I DON'T QUITE SEE WHAT GLOVES

HAVE GOT TO DO
WITH THE MIDDLE EAST.

YES.

WELL, IT'S... IT'S... IT'S...

IT'S QUITE... IT'S
QUITE SIMPLE, REALLY.

YOU SEE, BECAUSE
OF THE OIL SHORTAGE,

WE'RE USING MORE COAL
TO MAKE ELECTRICITY,

AND WE NEED THE ELECTRICITY

TO BOIL OUR ELECTRIC
KETTLES TO MAKE THE HOT WATER

FOR OUR HOT-WATER BOTTLES
TO KEEP OUR FEET WARM.

IF YOU WEAR THESE
NOVELTY FOOTWARMERS,

YOU DON'T NEED A HOT-WATER
BOTTLE TO KEEP YOUR FEET WARM,

THEREBY SAVING ELECTRICITY

AND SAVING THE FUEL
THAT OUR COUNTRY...

SO DESPERATELY NEEDS.

WELL, IF IT'S GOING TO HELP
THE ECONOMY, I'LL TAKE A PAIR.

IN FACT, MAKE IT TWO PAIRS.

WELL DONE, MR. LUCAS.

OH, IT WAS NOTHING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

- TRY THIS ONE, MADAM.
- THANK YOU.

- IT HAS A FEELING
OF SPRING ABOUT IT.
- IT HAS, RATHER.

I'LL TRY IT.

BY JOVE, I NEEDED THAT.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU DON'T THINK THIS HIDES
TOO MUCH OF MY FACE, DO YOU?

- DEFINITELY NOT.
- I'M NOT TOO SURE.

- PERHAPS YOU COULD
SHOW ME SOME OTHERS?
- CERTAINLY, MADAM.

THIS WAY.

OH, MOST EXOTIC.

AH. THAT'S BETTER.

THERE WE ARE, SIR, ONE PAIR OF
TROUSERS AND TWO PAIRS OF WARMERS.

IF YOUR WIFE'S DON'T FIT, WE CAN
ALWAYS GIVE YOU ANOTHER SIZE...

WARMERS, THAT IS, NOT WIFE.

OH, YES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- THANK YOU.
- IDIOT.

WE'VE SOLD RIGHT OUT
OF WOOLY COMFORTERS.

WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE IRON?

I HAVEN'T USED THE IRON. I'VE
BEEN USING MY ELECTRIC BLANKET.

OH, NO. MR. GRAINGER'S
THERMAL PAD.

- WHAT ABOUT IT?
- IT'S UNDER THE IRON.

- WHERE'S THE IRON?
- UNDER THE HAT.

- WHERE'S THE HAT?
- ON THE COUNTER.

ARE YOU FREE, MR. GRAINGER?

YES, I'M FREE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN
DISPLAYING ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT

IN THE CARDINAL WOLSEY CABINET?

ARE YOU FREE, MR. HUMPHRIES?

I'M AFRAID I AM, MR. GRAINGER.

MR. LUCAS IS FREE, TOO.

THANK YOU.

MR. LUCAS, I'M SURE
THAT YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,

CAN TELL US HOW AN IRON
CAME TO BE IN THE SOCK CABINET.

AN IRON? ( chuckles )

PERHAPS IT'S A NEW SALES
GIMMICK, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

YES, KEEP YOUR TOES
AS WARM AS TOAST.

AND WHAT IS THAT?

MY THERMAL PAD.

GLASS OF WATER FOR MR. GRAINGER.

( knock on door )

MR. RUMBOLD, SOMETHING OF A
VERY SERIOUS NATURE HAS ARISEN.

I DO WISH YOU'D WAIT
FOR ME TO SAY "COME IN"

BEFORE YOU COME
IN, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

I'M SORRY, SIR,

BUT I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO HAVE A LOOK AT THESE...

ALL DISCOVERED BY ME

IN THE GENTLEMAN'S OUTFITTING.

I WOULD SUGGEST THAT THE
LOST PROPERTY DEPARTMENT

WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE.

NO, SIR, THESE ARE NOT LOST.

BUT I WOULD DRAW YOUR
ATTENTION TO THE FACT

THEY ARE ALL HEATING DEVICES.

IT'S HARDLY A
STARTLING REVELATION.

ISN'T HALF HOT
IN HERE, ISN'T IT?

IF THAT'S ALL, CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, I AM RATHER BUSY.

PERHAPS, SIR, IF I
EXPLAINED IT STEP BY STEP

IT MIGHT PERHAPS
HELP TO CLEAR THE AIR.

I WOULDN'T BANK ON IT.

OH, I SAY, THEY'VE BEEN
IN THERE FOR 10 MINUTES.

THERE'S NOBODY TO
ATTEND TO THEIR CUSTOMERS.

BUT THERE AREN'T ANY CUSTOMERS.

THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

THAT'S NO WAY TO RUN A STORE.

WE COULD ALWAYS
GIVE THEM A HAND.

I'M NOT MEASURING A MAN
FOR A PAIR OF TROUSERS...

UNLESS IT WAS STEVE McQUEEN.

YOU'D NEVER GET HIM
IN GRACE BROTHERS.

TRUE.

YOU MEAN THAT, CONTRARY
TO MY INSTRUCTIONS,

ALL THESE HEATING APPLIANCES

HAVE BEEN USED BEHIND MY
BACK, UNDER MY VERY NOSE?

IT DOESN'T SEEM
POSSIBLE, DOES IT, SIR?

I REGRET TO SAY THAT...

MR. LUCAS PROCURED
THIS EQUIPMENT.

I WASN'T ONLY
THINKING OF MYSELF.

I MEAN, THERE WAS...

THERE WAS MR. HUMPHRIES
AND MR. GRAINGER TO CONSIDER.

WERE YOU A PARTY
TO THIS, MR. GRAINGER?

ME? MOST CERTAINLY NOT.

OF COURSE HE WASN'T.

HE THOUGHT I TOOK HIS THERMAL
PAD JUST TO BREATHE ON IT.

I'M APPALLED.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT IT, SIR?

CAN YOU SMELL SOMETHING IN HERE?

IF YOU'D ALL LIKE TO LEAVE NOW,

I'D LIKE A FEW MOMENTS
TO THINK IT OVER.

IT'S RATHER CLOSE
IN HERE, MR. LUCAS.

I'M COMING OVER
FAINT. I'M SURE...

I GIVE OFF A LOT OF BODY HEAT.

MUST BE HIS METABOLISM.

- IT'S ON FIRE!
- WHAT?

- IT'S ALL RIGHT!
- GOOD HEAVENS!

IT'S ALL RIGHT! I'LL GET IT!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. RUMBOLD!

I THINK WE MUST CONGRATULATE
MR. LUCAS ON HIS TIMELY ACTION.

I THINK WE SHOULD CONGRATULATE
MR. RUMBOLD ON HIS EXPLANATION

OF HOW HE PUT THE ELECTRIC FIRE IN
THE DRAWER SO NOBODY COULD USE IT,

THEN ACCIDENTALLY SWITCHED IT ON

BY KICKING HIS FOOT
AGAINST THE WALL SWITCH.

IT'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY
CHAIN OF EVENTS.

I THINK, IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

WE SHOULD CLOSE THE
DEPARTMENT FOR THE DAY

DUE TO THE EXTREME COLD.

HEAR, HEAR.

YES, I SHALL NOTIFY
MR. GRACE OF MY DECISION.

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

All: GOOD MORNING, MR. GRACE.

I THINK YOU'VE ALL
DONE VERY WELL

WORKING IN THESE
COLD CONDITIONS.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

I'VE BROUGHT YOU GOOD NEWS.

WE'VE HAD GOOD NEWS.
WE'RE GOING HOME.

I'VE JUST GOT THE
HEATING TURNED ON AGAIN.

BUT I THOUGHT THERE
WAS NO FUEL LEFT.

YOU SEE, I HAPPEN TO OWN

THE WHARFSIDE COKE COMPANY.

HOW VERY FORTUITOUS, MR. GRACE.

BUT I THOUGHT YOUR MEN
WERE ALL ON STRIKE, MR. GRACE.

AH, YES. YES, BUT
I'VE SACKED THE MEN

AND HAD THE
WAREHOUSE CHOPPED UP.

THAT SHOULD KEEP OUR
BOILERS GOING FOR A BIT.

THAT'S THE WAY TO TREAT
THE WORKERS, MR. GRACE.

WELL, CARRY ON.

YOU'VE ALL DONE VERY WELL.

All: THANK YOU, MR. GRACE.

WELL... I THINK IN
THE CIRCUMSTANCES,

WE CAN OVERLOOK THE ILLICIT
USE OF HEATING APPLIANCES.

BACK TO YOUR PLACES, EVERYONE.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING
A LITTLE NIP OF SOMETHING

TO KEEP ME WARM.

I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED
A DROP MYSELF, BETTY.

BE MY GUEST, STEPHEN.

IT'S SECRETED IN
THE PERFUME DISPLAY.

HOW INGENIOUS.

- OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
- AS THERE ARE NO
CUSTOMERS AROUND...

THIS'LL PUT THE ROSES
BACK IN YOUR CHEEKS.

AAH! OOH.

( theme music plays )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY, AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIAL, SOFT FURNISHINGS
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪