Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 5 - The Night Club - full transcript

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN. ♪

IF MR. RUMBOLD DOESN'T COME TO
THIS MEETING SOON, I'M GOING HOME.

WHAT'S THIS MEETING
ABOUT ANYWAY?



ALL HE SAID WAS THAT IT
WOULD BE TO OUR ADVANTAGE,

BUT I HAVE MY DOUBTS.

WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
HAS HE GONE HOME?

HE'S STILL GETTING CHANGED.

HE'S TAKING A LONG TIME
TO PUT ON A HAT AND COAT.

I BET HE'S NIPPED OFF
DOWN THE BACK STAIRS.

HAVE YOU EVEN KNOWN ME
NIP OFF AND MISS A MEETING?

I THINK IT WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE DISCREET
IF YOU DID THAT OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. THE
WIND WOULD BLOW MY WIG OFF.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
HOME LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?

NO, I'M MEETING MY
MOTHER AT THE CINEMA.

WHAT, DRESSED LIKE THAT?

SHE'S A PART-TIME USHERETTE
AT A CINEMA NEAR HERE, YOU SEE?

SHE CAN'T MAKE EVERY NIGHT SO I
STAND IN FOR HER EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.



YOU CAN'T TELL THE
DIFFERENCE IN THE DARK.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?

WELL, I WAVE ME BIG TORCH ABOUT
AND SHOW THEM TO THEIR SEATS.

THEN I SIT ON THE BACK ROW AND
I FLASH IT EVERY NOW AND AGAIN

TO STOP THEM TRIPPING
UP WHEN THEY GO OUT.

A REMARKABLE EXPLANATION INDEED.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, WHY
DON'T YOU COME AND HAVE A LOOK

AT "SOMETHING FROM
OUTER SPACE" AT 7:30?

I'M ALREADY LOOKING AT IT.

( gasps ) I FORGOT
TO TELL TIDDLES

THAT I WAS GOING TO BE LATE.

SHE'LL BE EVER SO UPSET.

I'D BETTER GO AND PHONE HER.

YOU DON'T MEAN TO TELL ME

YOU CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH THAT CAT OF YOURS?

WHY NOT? THEY DO
IT WITH MONKEYS.

THEY SHOW THEM PICTURES
OF VEGETABLES AND NUMBERS

AND THE MONKEYS POINT AT
THEM AND MAKE UP A SENTENCE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

I WATCH NATURE PROGRAMS ON
THE TELLY, I'VE LEARNT QUITE A LOT.

84OH, AND WHEN DO YOU TAKE
YOUR EXAM TO GO IN THE ZOO?

228WATCH IT.

156LOOK, WOULD YOU ALL MIND
BEING QUIET? I MUST CONCENTRATE

'CAUSE I HAVEN'T
GOT MY GLASSES ON.

DO YOU SERIOUSLY BELIEVE
THAT THAT CAT OF YOURS

UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAY?

WELL YES. YOU SEE
I'VE TRAINED HER

TO KNOCK THE RECEIVER
OFF THE CRADLE

AND PUT HER HEAD NEAR IT
AFTER IT'S RUNG ABOUT FIVE TIMES.

SHE'S ANSWERED. HELLO, PET.

IT'S YOUR MISTRESS SPEAKING.

NOW LISTEN, I'M GOING TO
BE LATER THAN I THOUGHT

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO AND LIE DOWN

ON THAT NICE BIG COMFY
BED AND WAIT FOR ME?

AND WHEN I COME, I'LL
TICKLE YOUR TUMMY ALL OVER.

I'M SO SORRY, MR. AKBAR.

I MUST HAVE MISDIALED.

IT'S YOUR NEIGHBOR,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'LL
LEAVE YOUR KEY UNDER THE MAT?

LOOK, I'M TRYING TO GET
MY PUSSY ON THE PHONE.

MR. AKBAR, I DON'T WISH
TO DISCUSS THAT WITH YOU.

LOOK, ALL I WANT
TO DO IS REDIAL,

SO WILL YOU PLEASE HANG UP?

COME ALONG, MRS. SLOCOMBE, I'M READY
FOR THE MEETING AND WE HAVEN'T MUCH TIME.

YES, BUT I'VE DIALED AGAIN.

I'LL JUST MAKE IT
BRIEF. IT'S RINGING.

THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN,

OH DRAT, SHE'S NOT ANSWERING.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, LEAVE THE PHONE
OFF THE HOOK AND COME HERE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
INTERRUPTED BY ANY CALLS.

OH VERY WELL.

SHE MUST HAVE GONE TO BE
A GOOD GIRL IN THE GARDEN.

IF WE'D KNOWN YOU WERE
GOING TO BE SO LONG,

- WE COULD HAVE POPPED
OUT FOR A SANDWICH.
- NOT DRESSED LIKE THAT?

I'M MEETING MY
MOTHER AT THE CINEMA.

84I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW.

NOW I ASKED MISS BELFRIDGE
TO GO AND GET SOME FOOD

AND CHARGE IT TO THE
DEPARTMENT. HERE SHE COMES NOW.

BRING IT OVER HERE,
MISS BELFRIDGE.

I'M SORRY I WAS SO LONG, BUT I
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE WANTED.

I THINK THE PUB KNOWS BY NOW

THAT SIX STALE HAM
SANDWICHES IS THE USUAL ORDER.

I DON'T LIKE GOING IN THAT PUB.

THE MEN IN THERE
ALL PINCH MY BOTTOM.

THAT'S DISGRACEFUL. IS THAT IN
THE PUBLIC BAR OR THE SALOON?

- THE SALOON.
- I SHALL MAKE
A NOTE OF THAT.

SO WILL I.

THIS SMELLS LIKE SMOKED SALMON.

IT IS SMOKED SALMON.

- I GOT THEM AT THE HOTEL
ON THE CORNER.
- THE HOTEL?

AND THERE'S SEVEN IRISH COFFEES.

BUT THE FIRM'S PAYING FOR THIS!

I KNOW, THEY'RE SENDING THE
BILL TO YOU. HERE'S A COPY OF IT.

£20?

MR. GRACE WON'T SANCTION THAT.

QUICK, EAT IT UP BEFORE
HE SENDS THEM BACK.

Rumbold: THAT'S THE LAST TIME I
SEND YOU OUT, MISS BELFRIDGE.

IN THAT CASE, WE'D BETTER
MAKE THE MOST OF IT.

HAVE YOU GOT ANY LEMON THERE?

( groans )

THIS IS THE MOST CIVILIZED
MEETING WE'VE EVER HAD.

66IT'S COST MORE THAN
THE LAST HALF DOZEN.

SHALL I GO HOME?

NO, NO, JUST SIT
DOWN AND TAKE NOTES.

- PENCIL AND PAD READY?
- YES, SIR.

NOW, THE FIRST
ONE'S FOR ACCOUNTS.

DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR

I FIND WE ARE £20 ADRIFT
IN THIS MONTH'S TAKINGS.

INVESTIGATION IS UNDER WAY
AND I WILL ADVISE ACCORDINGLY.

COPY TO MR. GRACE,
ETCETERA. SIGNED C. RUMBOLD.

ONE LEARNS SOMETHING EVERY DAY.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
IT'S NOT PUT BACK?

I THINK THAT THE FRUITS
OF THIS DISCUSSION

WILL PROVIDE MORE THAN
ENOUGH MONEY TO MAKE £20

SEEM A VERY UNSUBSTANTIAL SUM.

- HOW SO?
- COULD YOU TAKE
THAT WIG OFF?

I FIND IT HARD TO CONCENTRATE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT.

NOW, MR. GRACE HAS
DECIDED TO ALLOW US

TO USE THIS VALUABLE
FLOOR SPACE AT NIGHT

FOR WHATEVER MONEYMAKING
PROGRAM WE WOULD LIKE.

IN RETURN FOR WHICH, HE
WILL TAKE 10% OF THE PROFITS.

WHAT HAD YOU IN MIND?

WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE...
TO SEE WHAT IDEAS WE'VE GOT.

WHICH MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE ANY.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I
THOUGHT A CHORAL EVENING.

WE COULD ALL SING OLD FAVORITES
LIKE "ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL,"

SERVE TEA AND CAKES, CHARGE
AN ENTRANCE FEE OF, SAY, £1.

I THINK IT COULD BE A
VERY CIVILIZED EVENING.

NOT TO MENTION A DISASTER.

PEOPLE WANT A CHANGE
FROM SEX AND VIOLENCE.

HOW ABOUT A ROLLER DISCO?

OH, NO, NO, NO. THAT
COULD DAMAGE THE FLOOR.

- BOWLS!
- I BEG YOUR PARDON,
MR. SPOONER?

BOWLS, YOU KNOW, WITH
SKITTLES. BOWLS, THEY PLAY BOWLS.

NO, NO, WE WANT SOMETHING
MUCH LESS VIOLENT THAN THAT.

SOMETHING WE COULD
ALL PARTICIPATE IN

AND SOMETHING FOR WHICH
WE COULD CHARGE MONEY.

WITHOUT BEING ARRESTED.

WHAT ABOUT A SNACK BAR?

JUDGING BY THESE SANDWICHES,
THERE'S CERTAINLY MONEY IN FOOD.

NO, ONE NEEDS TO OFFER
THEM THAT LITTLE BIT EXTRA.

WE COULD HAVE MUSIC PLAYING IN THE
BACKGROUND TO GIVE IT ATMOSPHERE.

OH YES, WE COULD
CHARGE MORE FOR THAT.

I COULD PLAY A LITTLE
BACKGROUND ON THE PIANO.

Mrs. Slocombe: LIKE A NIGHTCLUB
WITH THE SORT OF NAME

THAT SUGGESTS THAT IT'S
UP-MARKET AND DISCREET.

EXACTLY.

THE SORT OF NAME THAT'S
APROPOS TO GOOD FOOD

AND ATTRACTIVE FEMALE STAFF.

THAT ALWAYS BRINGS THEM IN.

I'VE GOT IT. WHAT ABOUT
"THE CRUMPET CLUB"?

DON'T MAKE A SUGGESTION, SPOONER
UNLESS YOU'RE SURE IT'S A GOOD ONE.

NOW, LET'S STICK TO THE FOOD.
WHAT SORT OF DISHES COULD WE HAVE?

WELL, MY MOTHER MAKES A VERY
GOOD STEAK AND KIDNEY PUDDING.

IN THAT CASE, WHAT
ABOUT "THE PUDDING CLUB"?

IGNORE HIM.

WE MUSTN'T MISLEAD
PEOPLE BY CALLING IT A CLUB.

ANYHOW, WE DON'T KNOW IF WE'VE
ACTUALLY GOT A DRINKS LICENSE.

IT'S JUST SOFT DRINKS. YOU
KNOW, TEA, COFFEE, COCOA.

TEA AND COCOA. THAT
SOUNDS VERY SOPHISTICATED.

YES, BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET
THEM TO COME IN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WE COULD ADVERTISE
AT THE LOCAL CINEMA.

- WE COULDN'T
POSSIBLY AFFORD THAT.
- IT'LL BE VERY CHEAP.

THE MANAGER'S A VERY
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE

BEING AS HOW MY MOTHER'S
A PART-TIME USHERETTE THERE

AND I HELP OUT
FROM TIME TO TIME.

- THAT WOULD MAKE
A GREAT DEAL OF DIFFERENCE.
- IT'S AS GOOD AS DONE.

WELL, I'LL PUT ALL MY{\r}
SUGGESTIONS IN FRONT OF MR. GRACE

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I'M SURE HE'LL LIKE THEM.

I MUST JUST PHONE THE MANAGER,
TELL HIM I'M GOING TO BE A BIT LATE.

- MRS. SLOCOMBE.
- YES, WHAT IS IT?

- I CAN HEAR
HEAVY BREATHING.
- OH NO.

YOU KNOW THAT LAST
TIME I RANG TIDDLES?

I BET SHE ANSWERED THE PHONE

AND SHE'S BEEN
HANGING ON ALL THIS TIME.

NOW THERE'S A
FAITHFUL ANIMAL FOR YOU.

HERE, GIVE IT TO ME.

OH, MY LITTLE PET.
I'M EVER SO SORRY.

BUT I'LL MAKE IT UP TO
YOU AS SOON AS I GET HOME.

SO WHY DON'T YOU
OPEN YOUR LITTLE FLAP

AND PLAY WITH YOUR BALL?

MR. AKBAR, HOW DARE YOU?

YOU KNOW, I WAS TALKING
TO MRS. AXELBY LAST NIGHT

AND SHE CAN'T WAIT
TO GET INTO THE CLUB.

BUT I THOUGHT THIS CLUB WAS GOING
TO BE FOR SOPHISTICATED PEOPLE.

MRS. AXELBY CAN BE VERY
SOPHISTICATED WHEN SHE PUTS IT ON.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE ONE
THAT WAS BANNED FROM THE PUB

FOR STANDING ON HER HEAD AND SINGING
"ON A CLEAR DAY YOU CAN SEE FOREVER."

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
COFFEE'S NEARLY OVER.

I'VE BEEN DOWN TO THE
PHOTOGRAPHY DEPARTMENT.

- LEND ME YOUR BALLPOINT.
- WHAT FOR?

THIS COFFEE MEITS
THE LEAD IN MY PENCIL.

WHAT WAS YOU DOING
IN PHOTOGRAPHICS?

WELL, MY FRIEND THE CINEMA MANAGER
SAYS WE CAN HAVE A FREE ADVERT.

SO IT OCCURRED TO ME,
WHY DON'T WE MAKE OUR OWN?

BECAUSE IT COSTS MONEY.

A-HA, I'VE JUST BEEN DOWN TO
THE PHOTOGRAPHY DEPARTMENT

AND I'VE BORROWED A
HOME MOVIE CAMERA.

I THOUGHT WE COULD MAKE OUR
OWN FILM COMMERCIAL, YOU SEE?

IT'D GIVE PEOPLE A BETTER IDEA
OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE CLUB.

I THINK I'VE GOT
IT ALL IN MY HEAD.

NOW, WE COULD START OFF WITH
CAPTAIN PEACOCK PLAYING THE PIANO.

AND THEN I COULD INTRODUCE
EVERYBODY TO THE CLUB.

WHICH, BY THE WAY, WE'VE
STILL GOT TO FIND A NAME FOR.

I THOUGHT, "CLUB RENDEZVOUS."

- OH, I LIKE THAT.
- YES, BUT...

THERE'S THAT CAFE RENDEZVOUS
ON THE NORTH CIRCULAR

AND, WELL, A LOT OF ROUGH
TRUCK DRIVERS GO THERE.

IS THAT THE ONE JUST BEFORE
THE ROUNDABOUT ON THE BEND?

THAT'S THE ONE.

AND PEOPLE MIGHT
GET THE TWO CONFUSED.

I DOUBT IT. WE COULD
SHOW CUSTOMERS

HANDING THEIR COATS TO
THE CLOAKROOM ATTENDANT.

YOU KNOW, JUST TO
ESTABLISH THE ATMOSPHERE.

YOU COULD BE THAT.

I'M NOT BEING A
CLOAKROOM ATTENDANT.

I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM AND
THEY'RE ALL DEAD COMMON.

NO, I WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR IT.

MORE COFFEE, YOU LOT, BEFORE
I SCRUB OUT THE PERCOLATOR?

PERFECT CASTING.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A
NICE JOB IN THE EVENINGS

IN A RATHER SMART, SOPHISTICATED RESTAURANT
WE'RE GOING TO OPEN ON THE FOURTH FLOOR?

I READ A RUMOR ABOUT
THAT. SO IT'S ALL ON THEN?

OH YES. WE'RE DISCUSSING
THE CINEMA COMMERCIAL NOW.

- OH, I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
- IT'S GOING TO BE RATHER
UP-MARKET, YOU KNOW.

DON'T WORRY, I CAN PUT THE
OLD DOG ON WHEN I WANT TO.

( posh accent ) GOOD EVENING, SIR,
MADAM. MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

I THINK YOU'LL FIND THE FOOD
WELL UP TO CORDON BLEU AND ABOVE.

HAVE A NICE NOSH.

ACTUALLY, WE WERE
THINKING OF YOU

AS THE RECEPTIONIST
THAT TAKES THE COATS.

WHAT A SAUCE. I WOULDN'T EVEN
CONSIDER SUCH A MENIAL POSITION.

REMEMBER, I AM THE
MANAGERESS HERE.

WHEN A RECEPTIONIST
TAKES A HAT OR A COAT

THE CUSTOMER HAS TO
GIVE A TIP TO GET IT BACK.

YES, THE RECEPTIONIST
CAN JUST SIT THERE

AND TAKE TWICE AS MUCH AS
ANYBODY ELSE ON A GOOD NIGHT.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT
WHEN YOU OFFERED ME THE JOB.

I'M YOUR SUPERIOR,
I HAVE FIRST CRACK.

TOO LATE, I'VE ACCEPTED.

WE'RE ONLY DISCUSSING IT.
NOTHING'S BEEN DECIDED YET.

YOU JUST WAIT
UNTIL YOU'RE BOOKED.

YES, QUITE RIGHT.

WHERE I COME FROM IN PECKHAM, A
VERBAL AGREEMENT IS GOOD ENOUGH.

AND IF YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND REMEMBER,

I'VE GOT A BOYFRIEND BUIIT
LIKE A BRICK CHICKEN HOUSE.

HE'LL CHANGE IT FOR YOU. SAVVY?

I THINK WE'VE GOT
A RECEPTIONIST.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ON SECOND THOUGHTS, I DON'T
THINK IT'S THE SORT OF CLUB

THAT MRS. AXELBY WOULD
WANT TO BELONG TO.

AH, THERE YOU ARE. NOW
LET'S TRY IT ONE MORE TIME.

GOOD EVENING, MAY I
HAVE YOUR 'AT AND COAT?

NO, NO, NOT "YOUR 'AT AND COAT."

- YOUR HAT AND COAT.
- WHAT IF THEY'RE
WEARING GLOVES?

THEN YOU ASK THEM FOR
THEIR 'AT AND COAT AND GL...

YOU'VE GOT ME AT IT NOW.

WHERE DO I PUT
'EM WHEN I GOT 'EM?

YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN'T
HANDLE DIALOGUE.

LOOK, JUST GET CHANGED AND
STAND AT THE BACK SOMEWHERE.

NOW, WHERE'S MR. HARMAN AND
SEYMOUR WITH THAT EQUIPMENT?

JUST COMING UP
ON THE GOODS LIFT.

WHAT ARE YOU
DRESSED LIKE THAT FOR?

YOU SAID ME AND SEYMOUR AND
THE LIFT GIRLS COULD BE CUSTOMERS.

I BORROWED THESE OUT OF STOCK.

GET RID OF THOSE TOP HATS
AND CHANGE THOSE JACKETS.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK NORMAL.

WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK NORMAL.

I AM PIERRE FROM PARIS

AND SURPRISING THOUGH IT MAY
SEEM, THIS IS THE WAY IT DRESSES.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ORDINARY BUSINESSMEN.

RIGHT. OH, BY THE WAY,
THIS IS THE CAMERA.

IT COMES WITH SOUND
IN A SEPARATE BOX HERE.

PRESS THE SWITCH AND
THE MICROPHONE'S ON.

IS THIS ALL RIGHT?

VERY MUCH OVER THE TOP.

BUT NOT QUITE AS MUCH OVER
THE TOP AS MISS BELFRIDGE.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD SET THE TONE

FOR THE SORT OF PEOPLE
WE'RE HOPING TO ATTRACT.

SIT DOWN AT THE TABLES HERE.

WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL
THE STAFF TOGETHER YET.

NOW, WHERE'S MISS
BRAHMS OR MRS. SLOCOMBE?

LISTEN, DO YOU THINK
THESE EARRINGS ARE TOO BIG?

I THINK EVERYTHING'S TOO BIG.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE
GOING TO WEAR SOMETHING SIMPLE.

WELL I WAS, BUT I
TRIED EVERYTHING

AND THIS WAS THE ONLY
THING THAT REALLY FITTED ME.

( carnival music playing )

( music stops )

WHAT'S THE POINT OF
HAVING A REAL BOTTLE

WHEN WE'RE NOT
SURE OF THE LICENSE?

WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT
THE COMMERCIAL TWICE.

IF WE GET THE LICENSE WE'LL
USE THE ONE WITH THE BOTTLE

AND IF WE DON'T GET THE LICENSE
WE'LL USE THE ONE WITH THE COCOA.

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE A DRINK OF THIS.

( pops )

OH, WE WERE GOING TO USE
THAT POP SOUND FOR THE FILM.

HAVEN'T YOU GOT SPECIAL
EFFECTS FOR THAT?

WE'RE NOT 20th
CENTURY FOX, YOU KNOW.

THIS STUFF GOES
STRAIGHT TO MY HEAD.

WELL, THERE'S PLENTY
OF ROOM FOR IT.

MR. HUMPHRIES, I'VE
BROUGHT A SELECTION WITH ME

BUT I THOUGHT SOMETHING
LIKE THIS MIGHT BE SUITABLE.

♪ NIGHT AND DAY,
YOU ARE THE ONE ♪

♪ ONLY YOU BENEATH THE
MOON AND UNDER THE SUN... ♪

NO, THOSE ARE THE
WRONG CHORDS FOR THAT.

THEY'RE THE CHORDS
I ALWAYS PLAY.

- WELL I QUITE LIKED IT.
- SO DID I.

NO, NO, THESE ARE
MUCH BETTER CHORDS.

( playing )

UH, ARE THESE TOGS ALL RIGHT?

SHH, I'M JUST
CHECKING THE MUSIC.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH
BETTER, PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER PLAY.

VERY WELL.

♪ A CIGARETTE... ♪

- MR. RUMBOLD.
- ( singing continues )

MR. RUMBOLD!

CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S
DRESSED FOR THE PIANO.

MY ATTIRE IS PERFECTLY SUITABLE.

IF ANYTHING, MORE SO.

WELL, LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER
WAY, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'VE GOT PERFECT PITCH.

SO HAS WEMBLEY STADIUM,
BUT YOU'RE NOT PLAYING THERE.

I SHALL FIND IT VERY
DIFFICUIT TO ENJOY MY DINNER

LISTENING TO THOSE CHORDS.

ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS
PRETEND TO ENJOY YOUR DINNER.

COME ALONG, SIT
BACK AT YOUR TABLE.

WHETHER I THINK... I MUST
THINK TO MYSELF NOW

WHETHER SINGING'S
A GOOD IDEA OR NOT.

LOOK, WHY DON'T I
SING A BIT WITH HIM?

YOU KNOW, IN-BETWEEN TIMES.

- I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD SING.
- OH!

♪ WHATEVER LOLA WANTS ♪

♪ LOLA GETS ♪

♪ AND LITTLE MAN,
LITTLE LOLA WANTS YOU. ♪

MRS. SLOCOMBE, I DON'T
THINK "LOLA'S" WHAT THEY WANT.

YEAH, BUT IF I DID A
BIT OF THAT, THEN I

COULD ASK THEM IF
THEY'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

IF YOU DID A BIT OF THAT THEY
WOULDN'T BE, WOULD THEY?

NOW WHERE'S MISS BRAHMS?

THESE SHOES WAS TOO BIG SO I
HAD TO STUFF THEM WITH PAPER.

THEN I COULDN'T DECIDE
WHAT SORT OF A WAITRESS I WAS

SO I'VE BEEN TRYING
DIFFERENT LOOKS.

I THINK THAT LOOKS VERY NICE.

I THINK IT'S A BIT
OLD FASHIONED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. RUMBOLD?

IT'S VERY COUNTRY TEAROOM.

YEAH, WELL ANYWAY,
HERE'S THE AITERNATIVE.

( hits piano keys )

BLIMEY, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, SEYMOUR?

SEYMOUR LIKES IT.

MISS BRAHMS, PUT
THAT SKIRT BACK.

THAT'S NOT THE IMAGE
WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

RIGHT, I'M READY.
WHERE ARE THE PUNTERS?

NEVER MIND, JUST GO BACK
AND STAND OVER THERE

AND TRY NOT TO MUITIPLY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
EDIT ALL THESE BITS.

NOW WHERE'S THE DOOR
TO THE CLUB FROM DISPLAY?

OVER BY THE GOODS LIFT.
WE'LL GET IT. COME ON, SEYMOUR.

GOT TO GET THIS INTIMATE
ATMOSPHERE GOING.

Peacock: ♪ NIGHT AND
DAY, YOU'RE THE ONE... ♪

- NOT YET.
- WHAT?

MISS BELFRIDGE,
THIS BOTTLE IS EMPTY.

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO
ALL THE CHAMPAGNE?

( giggling )

IT'S ALL IN HER
HEAD ON THE TABLE.

WHY DON'T YOU PROP HER UP A BIT?

Harman: HERE YOU ARE, GIVE
IT A SHOVE. THERE WE GO.

♪ ROLLING ROUND THE WORLD ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR THE SUNSHINE. ♪

OH, THAT'S NICE.

MAINTENANCE IS VERY PROUD OF IT.

OF COURSE THEY WANT A
DISCOUNT IF THEY EAT HERE.

I SHALL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT
THAT. WHERE'S THE DOORMAN?

WELCOME TO THE CLUB
RENDEZVOUS. IT'S ALL HAPPENING HERE.

- HOW'S THAT?
- NOT YET, I HAVEN'T GOT
THE CAMERA SORTED OUT.

NOW WHERE'S THE TROLLEY
WITH ALL THE DISHES ON IT?

COMING UP. SEYMOUR.

NOW PAY ATTENTION,
EVERYBODY, PLEASE.

NOW YOU KNOW THE
SORT OF THING I WANT.

JUST KEEP IT NICE AND RELAXED.

WHEN DO I SAY MY LINES?

HOPEFULLY AT THE SAME TIME
AS WHEN WE REHEARSED THEM.

RIGHT, NOW MR. HARMAN
AND HIS PARTY STANDING BY.

- RIGHT.
{\r}- GOOD, RIGHT. NOW IT'S RUNNING.

OKAY, ACTION.

- Peacock: ♪ NIGHT AND DAY... ♪
{\r}- NOT YET!

WAIT TILL MR. HARMAN GETS
TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.

RIGHT, ACTION.

GET THAT DOOR OPEN, I'VE
GOT THE CAMERA RUNNING.

IT'S STUCK.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB
RENDEZVOUS. IT'S ALL HAPPENING HERE.

- Peacock:
♪ NIGHT AND DAY... ♪
{\r}- CUT!

MISS BRAHMS, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING THERE?

MY SAFETY PIN BROKE AND I
DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO GET READY.

GET RID OF THAT
THING. WE CAN'T USE IT.

Harman: HERE WE GO THEN.

WHAT ABOUT MY BIT?

HOW CAN I WELCOME PEOPLE
TO THE CLUB IF I'VE GOT NO DOOR?

YOU CAN'T. NOW COME HERE
AND TAKE CHARGE OF THIS CAMERA

AND TRY AND GET EVERYBODY IN.

- NOW, HOW'S MISS BELFRIDGE?
- I THINK IT'S WORN OFF A BIT.

I FEEL FINE.

Humphries: I SHALL HAVE
TO DO YOUR TABLE LAST.

I THINK I'LL DO MY BIT
NOW AS PIERRE THE CHEF.

MR. HARMAN, YOU AND YOUR
PARTY, YOU'RE SAT HERE.

- RIGHTY-O.
- MR. SPOONER, MAKE SURE
THAT CAMERA'S RUNNING.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, STAND
BY ON THE SOFT PEDAL.

ACTION.

- ( piano playing )
- GOOD EVENING.

( French accent ) I AM
PIERRE FROM PARIS.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB RENDEZVOUS.

MAY I INTRODUCE OUR CHARMING
HOSTESS FOR THE EVENING,

- BETTY?
- BON SOIR.

AND HELPING HER IS
THE LOVELY SHIRLEY.

HELLO. I'LL TAKE EVERYTHING DOWN

WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT.

AITHOUGH WHAT WE
HAVE TO OFFER IS LIMITED,

I'M SURE YOU WILL ENJOY IT.

NOW, SIR, WHAT WOULD
YOU LIKE FOR STARTERS?

- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
- TO START WITH, MEAT PATE
AVOCADO.

THAT'S A NICE LOOKING PEAR.

- CAN I HAVE A FEEL?
- HELP YOURSELF.

MY WORD, THAT'LL DO NICELY.

WITH OR WITHOUT DRESSING?

WITHOUT, IF YOU PLEASE.

NOW BETTY, OUR CHARMING HOSTESS

WILL SHOW YOU OUR SPECIAITY.

BETTY, SHOW THE GENTLEMAN

WHAT YOU'VE GOT UNDER THERE.

- VOILA!
- BLIMEY, WHAT A WHOPPER.

THAT BIRD'S BIG ENOUGH
FOR THE WHOLE TABLE.

I HAD IT PLUCKED AND STUFFED
THE MINUTE IT CAME FROM NORFOLK.

TURKEYS COME FROM
NORFOLK, NOT CHICKENS.

CUT!

I'M TALKING TO
MYSELF OVER THERE.

I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO EDIT ALL THIS.

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S
DO THE BIT THAT WE AGREED.

YOU'RE NOT FORGETTING TO MENTION
THAT I'M ON THE PIANO, ARE YOU?

DON'T WORRY,
YOU'LL GET A MENTION.

LOOK, WHAT AM I ACTUALLY SUPPOSED
TO BE DOING DURING THIS SCENE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING
A SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATION

WITH YOUR PARTNER.

NOT AN EASY TASK.

MR. SPOONER, GET THAT MICROPHONE

AND TIE IT ONTO THE END
OF A POLE OR SOMETHING

AND DANGLE IT OVER ME.

I THINK SOME OF THESE
WORDS ARE GOING MISSING.

RIGHT, NOW THEN, DON'T
FORGET TO SWITCH THE MOTOR ON

AS SOON AS I WAVE MY HAND.
WE'LL TAKE IT FROM NORFOLK.

WOULD THE GENTLEMAN
PREFER THE LEG OR THE BREAST?

I'D LIKE A BIT OF BOTH BUT MY
FRIEND PREFERS THE PARSON'S NOSE.

I SHALL BE PERFORMING
"NIGHT AND DAY" ON THE PIANO.

BY THE WAY, MY NAME
IS STEPHEN PEACOCK.

OF COURSE.

AND WHERE IS ALL THIS HAPPENING?

IT IS AT GRACE BROTHERS
IN THE HIGH STREET

ON THE FOURTH FLOOR
FROM 7:30 TILL MIDNIGHT.

CUT!

WHAT ABOUT THIS TABLE?
YOU HAVEN'T DONE US YET.

I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THAT. THE WHOLE
THING'S ONLY GOING TO LAST 30 SECONDS.

DO WE GET TO EAT THIS
CHICKEN NOW? l'M STARVING.

YES, COME ON, PULL
UP YOUR CHAIRS.

Rumbold: DID YOUR MOTHER
COOK THIS, HUMPHRIES?

I GOT IT FROM THE HOTEL
AROUND THE CORNER.

- THAT'S VERY GENEROUS.
- I'VE SENT THE BILL TO YOU.

I HOPE THIS WORKS.

I DON'T THINK I COULD ACCOUNT
FOR ANOTHER 20 QUID GOING ASTRAY.

NOW WHO'S FOR THE PARSON'S NOSE?

I HOPE WE HAVEN'T
MISSED OUR COMMERCIAL.

THIS CINEMA WASN'T EASY TO FIND.

I TRIED TO SEE WHAT WAS SHOWING

BUT SOMEONE'S PUT STICKERS
ALL OVER THE POSTERS.

WELL, I EXPECT THEY GET A
LOT OF VANDALS AROUND HERE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'VE
GOT THEIR TICKETS.

- QUICK.
- HEY, WHAT'S SHOWING?

D'YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK
IT WAS "MRS. MINIVER."

I CRIED SO MUCH
ALL MY MASCARA RAN.

- WHAT IS IT THIS WEEK?
- I DON'T KNOW, IT'S SOMETHING
IN FRENCH.

ANYWAY, THE BIG
PICTURE'S NEARLY FINISHED

AND THE MANAGER SAYS HE'S GOING
TO PUT OUR COMMERCIAL ON FIRST.

COME ON, FOLLOW ME.

84Mrs. Slocombe: I'M
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

- Humphries: SO AM I.
- YOU MEAN IT HASN'T
BEEN ON YET?

NO, THEY'VE HAD A BIT OF
TROUBLE WITH THEIR EQUIPMENT.

THEY LOST THE PICTURE
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

( woman speaking French )

( man speaking French )

HAVE THEY JUST GOT MARRIED?

THEY'VE JUST MET BY A LAKE.

I THINK HE'S BEEN IN PRISON.

OH, FOR QUITE A LONG TIME.

THEY'RE TAKING
THEIR CLOTHES OFF!

IT LOOKS A BIT COLD FOR A SWIM.

I DON'T THINK HE'S
GOING IN FOR A SWIM.

- ( actors moaning )
{\r}- NO, THEY HAVEN'T GOT COSTUMES.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, HOW
WOULD YOU AND MISS BRAHMS

LIKE TO POP OUT FOR SOME SWEETS?

IT'LL BE QUITE A TIME
BEFORE THIS FINISHES.

I DON'T WANT ANY SWEETS.

( moaning continues )

I SAID THEY WASN'T
GOING SWIMMING.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE SORT
OF CINEMA WE SHOULD ADVERTISE IN?

OF COURSE IT IS. THEY
SHOW EVERYTHING HERE.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

NEXT WEEK IT'S "BAMBI."

Man: The next film will
continue after the commercials.

1THAT'S THE MANAGER. I'M ON NOW.

174( piano playing )

- THAT US, WE'RE ON NOW.
- WHERE'S THE PICTURE?

Manager: Due to a technical
faulT, we have no picture.

But we are trying
to rectify this.

I REALIZE NOW A
GLEE CLUB SINGING

"ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL"
WOULD HAVE BEEN BY FAR THE BEST.

SHH!

Humphries' voice: Good evening,
and welcome to Club Rendezvous.

I am Pierre from Paris

and this is Betty, our glamorous
hostess for the evening.

Mrs. Slocombe's voice: Bon soir.

Humphries: And helping
her is the lovely Shirley.

Miss Brahms: Hello,
I'll take everything down

when you decide what you want.

'ERE, GET THAT PICTURE BACK.

WE WANT TO HAVE A LOOK.

Humphries: AIThough what
we have to offer is limited,

we're sure you will enjoy it.

Now, sir, what would
you like to start with?

Harman: What have you got?

Humphries: Well, for
starters, meat pate avocado.

PATTY AVOCADO? SOUTH
AMERICAN CRUMPET.

'ERE, SOUNDS THE
KIND OF CLUB WE'D LIKE.

Harman: That's a nice
looking pair. Can I have a feel?

Miss Brahms: Help yourself.

Harman: My word,
that'll do nicely.

Mrs. Slocombe: With
or without dressing?

Harman: Without, if you please.

NAUGHTY BOY.

Humphries: Now Betty our hostess

would like to show
you her specialTy.

Please show the gentleman
what you've got under there.

Mrs. Slocombe: Voila!

Harman: Blimey, what a whopper.

That bird's big enough
for the whole table.

Mrs. Slocombe: Would the
gentleman like the leg or the breast?

Harman: I'd like a bit of both,

but my friend prefers
the parson's nose.

'ERE, WHERE IS THIS
PLACE? I'VE GOT TO GO.

ME TOO, I'D LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT ELSE GOES ON THERE.

Peacock: I shall be performing
"Night And Day" on the piano.

By the way, my name
is Stephen Peacock.

OH MY GOD!

Humphries: And you ask,
where is all this happening?

Make a note of this address...

All: ♪ ALL THINGS BRIGHT
AND BEAUTIFUL... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪