Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 7 - The Pop Star - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

THANK YOU, MADAM.



( phone rings )

MRS. SLOCOMBE,
LADIES INTIMATE APPAREL.

OH, CERTAINLY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

MR. RUMBOLD WISHES
TO BE INFORMED

IMMEDIATELY
MR. SPOONER GETS HERE.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

WE DO NOT SHOUT ACROSS THE
DEPARTMENT IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS,

OR INDEED AT ANY TIME.

YES, BUT HOW AM I TO
COMMUNICATE WITH YOU

IF YOU'RE STANDING THERE
WITH YOUR NOSE IN THE AIR?

DISCREETLY BY RAISING YOUR HAND.

YES, BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T SEE?

THEN YOU WILL WAIT UNTIL I DO.



AT GRACE BROTHERS
WE DO NOT CONVERSE

LIKE TRADERS AT
BILLINGSGATE FISH MARKET.

( screaming ) CAPTAIN
PEACOCK, HOW MUCH LONGER

DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR
YOU TO ANSWER THE PHONE?!

I WAS ABOUT TO
TAKE THE PHONE, SIR.

YES?

( grunts )

WHAT IS IT?

I DID INFORM CAPTAIN PEACOCK

THAT YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO HIM,

BUT HE CHOSE TO
HAVE A CHAT WITH ME

ABOUT BILLINGSGATE FISH MARKET.

I WAS MERELY POINTING
OUT TO MRS. SLOCOMBE

THAT THIS IS NOT
BILLINGSGATE FISH MARKET.

I'M SURE MRS. SLOCOMBE IS
VERY WELL AWARE OF THAT.

THIS WHOLE DEPARTMENT
IS GETTING VERY SLACK.

NOW WHERE IS MR. HUMPHRIES?

HE'S IN THE GENTLEMENS
FITTING ROOM.

THE GENTLEMENS COUNTER

SHOULD NOT BE LEFT
UNATTENDED AT ANY TIME.

GET HIM BACK.

MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?

I'M FREE.

Rumbold: AH, I SEE
YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER.

NO, SIR, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
WAS JUST RE-PRICING MY STOCK.

I PUT THE SHIRTS UP 95p

AND GLOVES AND TIES UP 50.

IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,
I'D LIKE TO DROP MY TROUSERS

AND DISPLAY MY Y-FRONTS.

THAT SHOULD ATTRACT ATTENTION.

YES, WELL, NEVER MIND
THAT NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I WANT EVERYONE TO GATHER ROUND.

NOW, AS WE ALL KNOW,

MR. SPOONER HAS BEEN
LATE ALMOST EVERY DAY.

HE'S OVER HALF AN
HOUR LATE THIS MORNING

AND I'M TEMPTED TO
TERMINATE HIS EMPLOYMENT.

DOES ANYONE THINK
I'M BEING TOO HARSH?

PERSONALLY, CONSIDERING HOW
RUDE HE'S BEEN TO ME IN THE PAST,

IT WOULD BE A RELIEF
TO HAVE HIM REPLACED.

OH, BUT WE WAS
LATE SATURDAY NIGHT

ON ACCOUNT OF OUR
ANNUAL CONCERT,

AND HE DID HAVE A SORE THROAT.

HE'S HAD ALL SUNDAY TO
REST. THAT'S NO EXCUSE.

MR. HUMPHRIES, HOW
WELL HAS HE COME ALONG?

WELL, HE DOES TRY. AND HE
WAS VERY GOOD IN THE CONCERT.

THAT CANNOT BE
TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WHAT
IS YOUR ASSESSMENT?

HE DOES NOT RESPOND
WELL TO DISCIPLINE.

AND HIS HAIR'S TOO LONG.

WELL, HANDS UP THOSE WHO
THINK SPOONER SHOULD GO.

OH.

YES, WELL, TWO SENIOR PERSONS

OVERRIDES ONE JUNIOR
AND ONE SENIOR PERSON,

SO I FEAR SPOONER MUST GO.

OH, PLEASE, COULDN'T YOU
JUST RELEGATE HIM TEMPORARILY

AND THEN HE MIGHT MEND HIS WAYS?

YOU CAN'T GET MUCH LOWER
THAN THE MENS DEPARTMENT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE HARD
PUT TO FIND ANOTHER.

WELL, MISS BRAHMS
MAY HAVE A POINT.

I COULD SEE IF THERE'S A
LOW POST THAT'S VACANT.

HE COULD STOKE THE BOILERS.

IT WOULDN'T BE EASY,
THEY'RE GAS-FIRED.

SORRY I'M LATE. I SLEPT
THROUGH MY ALARM CALL.

WHEN I GOT HERE THERE WAS
ONLY ONE GIRL ON THE LIFTS.

THE OTHER ONE'S GOT THE FLU.

I GAVE UP WAITING AND
HAD TO USE THE STAIRS.

MR. RUMBOLD, MAY I
HAVE YOUR PERMISSION

TO SUGGEST A SUITABLE
POSITION FOR MR. SPOONER?

PLEASE DO.

MR. SPOONER, HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW JOB?

OH, ANY CHANCE OF ADVANCEMENT?

WELL, YOU START AT THE BOTTOM

AND GET TO THE TOP
ALMOST RIGHT AWAY.

I'LL TAKE IT!

Peacock: AH, AH, AH!

LIFT PERSONNEL DO
NOT SIT AT OUR TABLE.

BUT I ALWAYS SIT WITH YOU LOT.

JUST BECAUSE MR. SPOONER'S
IN A LOWLY POSITION

DON'T MEAN WE SHOULDN'T
TALK TO HIM NO MORE.

HE'LL LOWER THE WHOLE TONE
OF THE TABLE IF HE SITS HERE.

IT'S STILL OUR MR. SPOONER.

HE'S JUST WEARING
DIFFERENT CLOTHES.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MR. HUMPHRIES.

I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT
WANTED. I'LL SIT OVER HERE.

HERE, WE DON'T HAVE LIFT
PEOPLE AT THIS END OF MY CANTEEN.

GO TWO TABLES BACK.

BUT IT'S ME, BERT SPOONER.

IF I HAVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU,

YOU COULD BE EATING OUTSIDE
THE BACKDOOR BY LUNCHTIME.

SO UP IT!

I'M GOING TO HAVE
MY COFFEE IN THE LIFT.

WELL, HE'S LUCKY
TO HAVE A JOB AT ALL.

I MUST SAY
MR. HUMPHRIES IS DOING

REMARKABLY WELL WITHOUT HIM.

IT'S NOT EASY DOING TWICE THE
WORK WITH ONE PAIR OF HANDS.

MORNING, ALL. WHAT A RECEPTION
THE FIRM'S ACT GOT ON SATURDAY.

IT WAS VOTED THE BEST
ENTERTAINMENT BY A MILE.

EVEN GOT A MENTION
IN THE LOCAL PAPER.

- OH, WHERE?
- JUST UNDERNEATH
THE GREYHOUND RESULTS.

OOH, FANCY. DID IT
MENTION ANY NAMES?

LISTEN TO THIS.

"THE LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE'S

ANNUAL CONCERT OUT
OF THE VICTORIA HALL

WAS WELL ATTENDED BY THE STAFF

FROM THE MAIN LONDON STORES.

BUT THE OUTSTANDING ACT,

WHICH EVEN EXCEEDED
THE VERSATILITY

OF THE LADY SNAKE CHARMER FROM
THE PET DEPARTMENT OF HARRODS,

WAS THE REMARKABLE PERFORMANCE

OF MR. B. SPOONER
OF GRACE BROTHERS,

WITH A SONG CALLED
'CHAN-SON D. A-MORE.'

HIS VOICE, NOT UNLIKE
A YOUNG DES O'CONNOR,

THRILLED THE AUDIENCE.

HE WAS ABLY BACKED BY THE VOICES

OF MISS BRAHMS AND MRS.
SLOCOMBE IN LADIES UNDERWEAR

AND MR. W.C.
HUMPHRIES OF THE MENS,

WHILE HIS SENIOR
MANAGER, MR. RUMBOLD,

GAVE A SPIRITED PERFORMANCE
ON THE ACCORDION.

MR. B. SPOONER'S TALENT
SHOULD NOT GO UNNOTICED.

LET'S HOPE AN
IMPRESARIO SPOTS HIM

AND GIVES HIM THE
BREAK HE DESERVES."

OH, FANCY THAT.
LET'S HAVE A SEE.

- I SAID HE WAS GOOD.
- GOOD? HE DIDN'T MENTION ME.

I PLAYED THE PIANO AND SANG AS
WELL AND HE DIDN'T MENTION ME.

THAT'S 'CAUSE THE PIANO WAS
OUT OF SIGHT BEHIND A CURTAIN.

BUT I KEPT LEANING BACK SO
THAT THE AUDIENCE COULD SEE ME.

YEAH, BUT IF THEY
COULDN'T SEE THE PIANO,

THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT
YOU WAS A STAGEHAND.

IN TOP HAT AND TAILS?

SO WAS I, AND THEY
DIDN'T MENTION ME EITHER.

AND YET I INTRODUCED YOU ALL.

ONLY AFTER REMOVING FOUR
FERRETS FROM YOUR TROUSERS

FOLLOWED BY THE
FLAGS OF ALL NATIONS.

NO ONE ASKED YOU
TO DO ALL THAT CHAT.

YOU KEPT US WAITING 10 MINUTES.

THAT WAS BECAUSE OF THE FACT
THERE WAS ACTUALLY FIVE FERRETS.

BUT ONE OF THEM KEPT ELUDING ME.

I HAD TO FIGHT IT TO
GET THE FLAGS OUT.

YOU CAN KEEP THAT PAPER, AND THERE'S
ANOTHER ONE. I'VE GOT A LOT MORE.

OH, HOW EXCITING.

FANCY US BEING MENTIONED.

WE'D NEVER HAVE DONE
IT WITHOUT MR. SPOONER.

- I THINK WE OUGHT
TO ASK HIM FOR LUNCH.
- I AGREE.

THE MENTION IN THE LOCAL PAPER

DOES NOT ALTER THE FACT
THAT HE'S BEEN DEMOTED.

HE'S NO LONGER A MEMBER
OF OUR DEPARTMENT.

AND NOBODY WOULD
HAVE NOTICED HIM

IF IT HADN'T BEEN
FOR US BACKING HIM UP

WITH ALL THAT
DANCING AND SINGING.

NOT FORGETTING MY
PIANO PLAYING AND SINGING.

- WHERE'S OUR MR. SPOONER?
- BACK ON THE LIFT.

AH, WELL, THIS DOES PLACE US
IN RATHER A DIFFICULT POSITION.

I'VE JUST HAD A CALL
FROM A RECORD COMPANY.

AND APPARENTLY THEY'RE
CONSIDERING SIGNING SPOONER UP.

SO OF COURSE,
WE'LL REINSTATE HIM.

THIS COULD BE VERY GOOD
PUBLICITY FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.

BUT... HOW DID HE GET
TO KNOW ABOUT HIM?

IT SEEMS THAT ONE OF THE RECORD
COMPANIES' TALENT SPOTTERS

WAS AT THE CONCERT.

DID THEY ASK ABOUT US?

NOT AS FAR AS I'VE HEARD.

BUT WE WAS THE BACKING GROUP.

I SUPPOSE THEY DIDN'T
CONSIDER THAT IMPORTANT.

THOUGH I THOUGHT
WE WERE RATHER GOOD.

WELL, THE BACKING
GROUP IS VERY IMPORTANT.

I THINK WE SHOULD BE
GIVEN A CHANCE AS WELL.

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT
WOULD BE UP TO MR. SPOONER.

THOUGH AS WE'RE ALL HIS FRIENDS,

I'M SURE HE'LL BE
PLEASED TO SUGGEST US.

AH, I PRESUME THIS IS THE
ARTICLE MR. HARMAN MENTIONED.

I WONDER IF
MR. SPOONER WOULD LIKE

A CUP OF COFFEE IN HIS LIFT.

YOU FORGOT THE SUGAR.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW
ANXIOUS PEOPLE ARE

TO GET INTO SHOW BUSINESS?

YOU GOING TO EAT THAT
CHOCOLATE BISCUIT?

NO.

WAIT FOR ME!

( coughs )

( low pitch ) ♪ MI-MI-MI-MI-MI ♪

( high pitch ) ♪
MI-MI-MI-MI-MI ♪

- ♪ DO-REY-MI-FA... ♪
- YOU MUST TAKE CARE
OF YOUR THROAT, MR. SPOONER.

WE DON'T WANT TO
LOSE THAT GOLDEN VOICE.

THIS SPRAY YOU GAVE ME
CERTAINLY MAKES IT FEEL BETTER.

OH, IT'S SO NICE
TO HAVE YOU BACK.

OH, AND HE GOT NICE HAIR.

HERE. I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW IT WASN'T ME

WHO SAID YOU SHOULD
GO ON THE LIFTS.

IN FACT MR. HUMPHRIES AND
ME... WE SPOKE UP FOR YOU.

WE WERE THE ONLY ONES.

EH, MR... MR. RUMBOLD
THREATENED TO DISMISS YOU,

BUT I PERSUADED HIM AGAINST IT.

YEAH, AND GOT ME
DEMOTED TO LIFTS.

ONLY AS A TEMPORARY MEASURE.
AND IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

I THINK IT'S EVER
SO BRAVE OF YOU

TO HAVE COME AT ALL
WITH THAT SORE THROAT.

IT STARTED JUST
BEFORE THE CONCERT.

IT CERTAINLY DIDN'T
AFFECT YOUR VOICE.

I THINK IT IMPROVED IT.
MADE IT SORT OF DEEPER.

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU KNOW, I HAD
A SORE THROAT ONCE.

I WAS IN THE HALL ON THE
PHONE TO A FRIEND OF MINE,

AND MY VOICE WAS SO DEEP,

MY MOTHER HEARD IT
THROUGH THE LETTERBOX

WHEN SHE WAS
GETTING HER KEY OUT.

SHE RAN STRAIGHT NEXT
DOOR AND DIALED 999.

FOR AN AMBULANCE?

NO, THE POLICE. SHE THOUGHT
THERE WAS A MAN IN THE HOUSE.

JUST IMAGINE IF
THEY DO SIGN ME UP.

IMAGINE ME BEING A POP STAR.

THAT MEANS YOU COULD
HAVE ANY GIRL YOU WANTED.

OOH, WOULD THAT
INCLUDE YOU, MISS BRAHMS?

- IT COULD.
- MMMMM.

IF THEY DO SIGN YOU UP,

YOU'LL PUT A GOOD WORD
IN FOR US, WON'T YOU?

SO THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
ALL BEING SO NICE TO ME?

WELL, I KNOW I SPEAK
MY MIND ON OCCASION,

BUT I'M REALLY VERY FOND OF YOU.

I'VE GOT A VERY BIG
PLACE FOR YOU HERE.

YOU'VE GOT ROOM FOR THE
WHOLE DEPARTMENT THERE.

- OH, I DO LIKE A BOY
WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- ( phone ringing )

( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

MR. SPOONER, IT'S FOR YOU.

YES, THIS IS MR. SPOONER.

4:30 THIS AFTERNOON?

I'M AFRAID I'LL BE AT WORK. HANG
ON. IT'S THE RECORD COMPANY.

THEY WANT TO KNOW IF I CAN MAKE
A DEMO RECORD THIS AFTERNOON

BEFORE THEY DECIDE
WHETHER TO SIGN ME UP OR NOT.

WELL, I'M SURE I COULD
PERSUADE MR. RUMBOLD

TO LET YOU LEAVE A
LITTLE EARLIER THAN USUAL.

ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE BETTER IF
THEY COULD MAKE IT THIS EVENING.

HELLO? IT'S A BIT DIFFICULT.

COULDN'T WE DO IT THIS EVENING?

OH, IT'D PROBABLY TAKE
ALL EVENING AS WELL.

COULD I WHAT?

MY BACKING GROUP AS WELL?

YES, THEY'RE HERE, BUT I DON'T
THINK THEY'LL BE AVAILABLE.

- THEY'RE ALL AT WORK, TOO.
- GIVE ME THAT.

HELLO, THIS IS MRS. SLOCOMBE,

THE LEAD SINGER
IN THE BACK GROUP.

WELL, NO, MY VOICE
SOUNDS QUITE DIFFERENT

WHEN I MINGLE WITH THE OTHERS.

NOW, LISTEN, I'M SURE
WE CAN BE AVAILABLE.

OH, NO, NO, DON'T
GET ANOTHER GROUP.

HANG ON, WE'LL
GIVE YOU A SAMPLE.

HERE, YOU SING SOMETHING
AND WE'LL HARMONIZE.

RIGHT, HOW'S THIS?

♪ I'VE GOT RHYTHM ♪

♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪

♪ I'VE GOT MY GIRL ♪

♪ WHO COULD ASK
FOR ANYTHING MORE? ♪

♪ DO-DA. ♪

HOW WAS THAT?

THEY LOVE ME.

- WHAT ABOUT US?
- WHAT ABOUT THEM?

- YOU GOT THE JOB.
- ( cheering )

I CAN'T POSSIBLY LET YOU ALL
GO OFF EARLY THIS AFTERNOON.

MR. SPOONER, YES.

ONE MISSING WON'T
AFFECT THE DEPARTMENT.

YES, BUT HALF AN HOUR'S NOT GOING
TO MAKE ALL THAT MUCH DIFFERENCE.

IF WE'RE GOOD, THEY
COULD SIGN US ALL UP.

THEY MENTIONED YOU ON
THE ACCORDION IN THE PAPER.

I HARDLY THINK MY PERFORMANCE,

GOOD THOUGH IT WAS,

WOULD MERIT A
CAREER IN POP MUSIC.

NOR DO I THINK THE
BACKING SINGING

IS GOING TO INFLUENCE
THE RECORD COMPANY

IN SIGNING UP OUR MR. SPOONER.

THINK OF THE PUBLICITY
FOR THE STORE...

THE WHOLE OF OUR
DEPARTMENT IN THE NEWS.

NOW THAT IS A GOOD POINT.

MISS BELFRIDGE, GET
MR. GRACE ON THE LINE.

- I'LL JUST CLEAR IT
WITH HIM FIRST.
- YES, SIR.

WE'LL GIVE HIM A QUICK RENDERING

TO REMIND HIM OF OUR
PERFORMANCE LAST SATURDAY.

I'VE GOT MR. GRACE ON THE LINE.

HELLO, MR. GRACE.
RUMBOLD HERE, SIR.

NO, THIS WILL ONLY
TAKE A MINUTE.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING HERE
I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO.

- ARE WE ALL READY?
- YES.

WHAT SHALL WE DO?

WE'VE JUST DONE "I'VE GOT RHYTHM"
TO SHOW THEM HOW GOOD WE ARE.

NO, I THINK WE SHOULD
DO "CHANSON D'AMOUR."

- THAT'S THE ONE THEY LIKE.
- RIGHT, LET'S DO THAT THEN.

- ARE YOU STILL THERE, SIR?
- Yes, hurry up!

AFTER FOUR.

( vocalizing instruments )

♪ CHANSON... ♪

♪ D'AMOUR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA... ♪

I EXPECT YOU RECOGNIZE
THAT SOUND, SIR.

YES? NO, IT'S NOT AN OUTBREAK

OF DISTEMPER IN
THE PET DEPARTMENT.

IT'S THE STAFF ON
THE FOURTH FLOOR!

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

I SEE.

KEEP THEM IN QUARANTINE
UNTIL THE STORE CLOSES AT 5:00.

YOU'VE JUST RUINED MY CAREER.

THEY ONLY WANTED TO SEE ME,
AND NOW THEY DON'T WANT ANYBODY.

- WAIT A MINUTE. ALL MAY NOT BE LOST.
- HOW?

THEY ONLY WANT A DEMO
TO SHOW HOW GOOD WE ARE.

- HOW GOOD I AM.
- WITH US BEHIND YOU.

WHY DON'T WE MAKE A
DEMO HERE AFTER WE CLOSE?

YES, WE COULD USE THE RECORDING
EQUIPMENT IN THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA.

IT WON'T BE AS GOOD AS A STUDIO.

GRACE BROTHERS HAS THE FINEST
HOME RECORDING EQUIPMENT AVAILABLE.

HMM. DON'T FORGET
TO ORDER A BIG PIANO.

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ MI-MI-MI-MI-MI ♪

Ladies: ♪ MI-MI-MI-MI ♪

- ♪ MI-MI-MI-MI ♪
- NOW THEN...

MY THROAT'S STARTING
TO FEEL WORSE, YOU KNOW.

OPEN WIDE.

- ( coughs )
- ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

- WHERE'S THE PIANO?
- YES, AND WHERE'S
MY ACCORDION?

YOU CAN'T HAVE A PIANO
AND AN ACCORDION IN A DEMO.

YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE
A PROPER ORCHESTRA.

ERGO, GOT THIS GRAMOPHONE
RECORD WITH THE MUSIC ON.

- WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?
- YOU JUST SING ALONG
WITH THE BACKING.

NOW COME ALONG, MISS
SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS.

CHOP CHOP. NOW COME ON.

- WHY HAVE WE ONLY GOT
ONE PIECE OF MUSIC?
- WE'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT.

I COULDN'T SEE THAT EVEN
IF I HAD MY GLASSES ON.

WHERE DO I STAND?

YOU STAND IN FRONT OF
THIS LOT AND DO IT IN THERE.

- RIGHT.
- I CAN'T SEE THE MUSIC
FROM BACK HERE.

WELL, WE'RE NOT MOVING.

I HAVE TO KNOW WHERE
TO COME IN WITH MY DO-DAs.

YOU CAN HAVE A LOOK AT MINE.

I CAN'T SEE IT
UNLESS IT'S CLOSER.

IT'S JUST RIGHT FOR MY VISION.

I DON'T SEEM TO
HAVE MY SHEET MUSIC.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK WILL
LET YOU BORROW HIS.

NO I WON'T. I CAN'T
DO THIS FROM MEMORY.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
BACKING MR. SPOONER.

YOU'LL HAVE TO LOOK
OVER OUR SHOULDERS.

THANK YOU.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO
PUT YOUR HEAD THERE,

WHERE AM I GOING TO STICK MINE?

YOU CAN COME AND
STAND BEHIND US.

BUT I'M FRONT BACKING.
YOU'RE BACK BACKING.

JUST A MINUTE. I THINK I CAN
SOLVE BOTH YOUR PROBLEMS.

THERE, NOW, ADJUST
THEM FOR YOURSELVES.

ALL I CAN SEE IS TWO
BIG SEMIQUAVERS.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK!

HE MEANS THE MUSIC,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.

MOVE BACK, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO
HAVE ROOM FOR OUR SONG AND DANCE.

NOW, NOW, WHEN YOU SING,

YOUR VOICES WILL
BLEND WITH THIS RECORD

WHICH IN TURN WILL BE RECORDED

ON THIS SEVEN-AND-A-HALF INCH

REEL-TO-REEL HOME
RECORDING MACHINE.

IT GIVES A PERFECT
REPRODUCTION FROM WHICH

I WILL MAKE
CASSETTES FOR YOU ALL.

- THANK YOU.
- ( blows, amplified tapping )

"CHANSON D'AMOUR"
SUNG BY MR. SPOONER

BACKED BY MR. HUMPHRIES,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,

AND MISS BRAHMS...

WITH "DO-DAS" BY CAPTAIN
PEACOCK AND MR. RUMBOLD.

TAKE ONE.

( music plays )

♪ CHANSON... ♪

♪ D'AMOUR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ PLAY ENCORE ♪

♪ HERE IN... ♪

♪ MY HEART ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

- ♪ MORE... ♪
- CUT! QUIET IN THE STUDIO!

WE GOT OUR WORK TO DO.

GIVE US THREE MINUTES, IVY.
MR. SPOONER'S MAKING A DEMO.

OH, OH, IT'S THAT
HANDSOME MR. SPOONER

WHAT WAS SO GOOD AT THE CONCERT.

HE SENDS ME.

NOT FAR ENOUGH.

NO, COME ON, LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

AFTER FOUR. ONE,
TWO, THREE, FOUR.

( music plays )

BETTY! NOREEN! QUICK, IT'S
THAT BOY FROM THE CONCERT!

- ♪ CHANSON... ♪
- LISTEN TO THIS!

- SHUT UP!
- YES, PLEASE BE QUIET!

- ♪ RA TA TA TA TA... ♪
- CAN WE JUST STAND
AND WATCH?

- OVER THERE.
- ♪ PLAY ENCORE... ♪

DO YOU REALLY LIKE ME?

- YES!
- SMASHING!

GET RID OF THAT BACKING
GROUP AND YOU'LL BE GREAT!

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ MORE AND MORE... ♪

SO I SAID TO MRS. AXELBY,

I SAID, "NOW LISTEN
TO THIS," I SAID.

AND I PLAYED HER OUR CASSETTE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A PLAYER.

OH, YES, YES.

IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THAT
NICE MAN I MET IN THE PUB.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

OH, YOU DON'T
MEAN YOU LET HIM...

NO, I DID NOT!

I WOULDN'T LET HIM
THROUGH THE DOOR.

HE ONLY HAS TO RING THE BELL
AND MY TIDDLES' HAIR STANDS UP.

OH, SHE HATES THE SIGHT OF HIM.

ANYWAY, MRS. AXELBY
WOULDN'T BELIEVE

IT WAS US SINGING.

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
SOME FAMOUS GROUP.

SHE'S SURE IT'LL BE A HIT.

WELL, I PLAYED MINE AS SOON AS
I GOT HOME TO A FRIEND OF MINE.

- WHAT DID HE THINK?
- HE'S NEITHER ONE WAY
OR THE OTHER.

HE LIKES CLASSICAL MUSIC.

IT'S 20 PAST 9:00

AND STILL NO SIGN
OF MR. SPOONER.

THAT COULD BE GOOD. HE SAID
HE WAS GOING TO TAKE THE TAPE

STRAIGHT TO THE RECORD
COMPANY FIRST THING.

WELL, I MUST SAY THAT MY
WIFE WAS MOST IMPRESSED

WHEN I PLAYED THE
CASSETTE TO HER

ON OUR BIG HI-FI WITH
THE TWO SPEAKERS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE SAID
IT MADE HER FEEL QUITE ROMANTIC,

WHICH IS UNUSUAL FOR HER.

AND WHAT DID YOU DO?

WELL, SHE WAS SO KEEN ON IT,

THAT AFTER OUR COCOA, I
TOOK OUT MY LITTLE PORTABLE

AND PUT IT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.

AND I SUPPOSE YOU BOTH
EVENTUALLY GOT OFF?

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.

IT TURNED OUT I
HAD A FLAT BATTERY.

THEY SIGNED ME
UP! THEY LOVED IT!

THEY GAVE ME A CONTRACT!
THEY WANT TO MAKE ME A STAR!

OH, I KNEW MAX BYGRAVES
COULDN'T LAST FOREVER.

CONGRATULATIONS.
DID THEY MENTION US?

- YEAH, WHAT DID THEY SAY?
- THEY SAID IT WAS
A GREAT SOUND.

LISTEN TO THIS, THEY'RE GOING
TO ANNOUNCE IT TO THE PRESS,

SO IT'LL BE IN ALL
THE EVENING PAPERS.

THEY'VE EVEN FIXED
UP FOR US TO BE ON

THE "AROUND LONDON"
PROGRAM TONIGHT AT 6:00.

- OH!
- WE'RE GOING TO BE
ON THE TELLY!

OH, MY MOTHER WILL HAVE
THE PARLOR FULL OF NEIGHBORS.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR VOICE? DON'T
YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO REST IT?

NO, IT WILL LAST OUT, AS LONG
AS I KEEP GIVING IT A SPRAY.

ARE YOU SURE THEY WANT US?

OH, YES, THEY WANT US
TO LOOK JUST LIKE WE DID

WHEN I WAS SPOTTED ON THE SHOW.

THAT'S THE ANGLE
THEY WANT TO USE.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

I SUPPOSE THIS WILL BE YOUR
LAST DAY AT GRACE BROTHERS.

WELL, YES, BUT IF YOU LOT
COME OVER WELL ON THE TELLY,

IT COULD BE YOUR LAST DAY, TOO.

OH, I THINK MRS. SLOCOMBE
AND I ARE A BIT PAST THE AGE

WHEN WE COULD MAKE OUR
DEBUT IN THE POP WORLD.

ELLA FITZGERALD IS
TWICE AS OLD AS I AM.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO
STEP INTO HER SHOES.

YOUR FEET WOULD FIT.

CHEEKY.

RIGHT, THANK YOU.

I'VE ARRANGED WITH
THE COSTUME PEOPLE...

THEY SAY YOU CAN HIRE THE SAME
OUTFITS YOU HAD FOR THE CONCERT.

OH, JOLLY GOOD. I'LL HAVE
THEM COLLECTED THEN.

I THINK YOU'RE EVER SO
BRAVE GOING ON TELLY,

ESPECIALLY LIVE.

WELL, IN MY POSITION I'M
USED TO DEALING WITH PEOPLE.

YES, BUT THERE'LL BE
MILLIONS WATCHING YOU

JUST WAITING FOR
THE SLIGHTEST MISTAKE.

WELL, WE'VE AGREED TO DO IT NOW.

WHERE ARE MY ASPIRINS?

NEXT TO THE EMPTY
BOX OF TRANQUILIZERS.

- ( knocking )
- ENTER.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.
THE PRESS ARE HERE.

THEY WANT SOME
PICTURES FOR THE PAPER.

WITH YOUR PERMISSION, I SAID THEY
COULD HAVE SOME OF MR. SPOONER

WITH HIS SUPERIOR...
NAMELY YOURSELF...

AND HIS FELLOW WORKERS.
THAT'S IF THEY LET ME TAKE THEM.

THAT WAY, YOU WON'T
GET NO PICTURES

WHAT AS THEY'RE NOT
IN THE BEST OF TASTE.

HAVE THE PRESS AGREED?

YES, THEY'VE ALL
BOUGHT AN EXCLUSIVE.

THE CAMERA AND THE
STAFF ARE OUTSIDE.

SHALL I FETCH THEM
IN FOR A PHOTO CALL?

- YES, LET'S GET IT
OVER WITH.
- YEAH.

RIGHT YOU LOT, IN HERE.

Peacock: COME ON, LADIES.

- COME ON, SPOONER.
- YES, SIR.

I'LL GET THE CAMERA.

NOW, THIS WON'T TAKE A MOMENT.

JUST A COUPLE OF
PICTURES FOR THE PRESS

WITH PERHAPS ME
SHAKING SPOONER'S HAND.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL
SHAKE MR. SPOONER'S HAND.

WELL, I'M SHAKING IT SAYING
GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK.

I THINK WE OUGHT TO
HAVE A GROUP PHOTOGRAPH

OF US ALL WITH
MR. SPOONER IN THE MIDDLE.

- ( hoarsely ) GOOD IDEA.
- WHAT WAS THAT?

GOOD IDEA.

DO TAKE CARE OF THAT VOICE. I'VE
ONLY GOT A COUPLE OF SQUIRTS LEFT.

IT'S SWELLING UP, TOO.

BLIMEY, HE'S RAIDED
THE BRITISH MUSEUM.

THIS IS MR. GRACE'S PERMANENT
PERSONAL PORTRAIT CAMERA

AS USED ON HIS YACHT TO
PHOTOGRAPH THE WORLD.

AS GOOD AS THE DAY IT WAS MADE.

1066.

SEYMOUR, STAND OUTSIDE
THE DOOR. DON'T LET NO ONE IN.

- I'VE ONLY GOT
ONE PLATE LEFT.
- RIGHT, BEVERLY.

RIGHT, NOW, YOU'LL
HAVE TO HOLD YOUR POSE

A BIT LONGER TO ALLOW
THIS PLATE TO DEVELOP.

AND TRY NOT TO BLINK
WHEN THE FLASH GOES OFF.

NOW, GET IN A LINE.

BACK UP A BIT.

A NICE SMILE, WHILE I LOOK
AT YOU FROM THIS END HERE.

I CAN'T HOLD THIS
EXPRESSION MUCH LONGER.

COULD YOU HURRY UP? I'M
RUNNING OUT OF SINCERITY.

( muttering ) HOLD IT.

MISS BELFRIDGE, I SHOULD BE OBLIGED
IF YOU SWITCH YOUR MOTOR OFF.

I'VE JUST COME DOWN
FROM MR. GRACE'S OFFICE.

APPARENTLY HE'D GIVEN
MR. HARMAN THE WRONG POWDER.

THIS IS THE ONE FOR THE FLASH.

- WHAT'S HE GOT IN THERE?
- GUNPOWDER FOR THE DISTRESS
CANNON ON HIS YACHT.

- I BETTER TELL HIM!
- ( explosion )

( coughing )

YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE!

DON'T BLAME ME, IT
WAS THE EQUIPMENT.

WHERE'S MR. SPOONER?

Humphries: GET THAT
THING OFF HIS HEAD.

Miss Brahms: QUICK,
HE'LL SUFFOCATE.

IT'S STUCK!

Humphries: UNSCREW THE LENS.

CAN YOU HEAR US IN THERE?

- ANYTHING?
- NOT A WHISPER.

HANG ON A MINUTE.

GET THIS FLAMING
THING OFF MY HEAD!

THANK GOD THE GOLDEN
VOICE IS STILL INTACT.

( grunting )

- AH, YOU CAN WATCH THEM
FROM HERE, MR. HARMAN.
- THANK YOU, SIR.

DO YOU THINK MR. SPOONER'S
VOICE IS GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?

WELL, IF IT ISN'T, I'VE GOT
THE SONG ON TAPE IN HERE.

- THEY COULD
ALWAYS MIME TO IT.
- AH, THAT'S A RELIEF.

SUSAN, YOU'D BETTER
TAKE THIS TAPE TO SOUND

AND ASK THEM TO STAND
BY WITH IT, JUST IN CASE.

( instrumental music plays )

RIGHT. CUT CAMERA ON.

WE START HERE IN THE SOUTHEAST WITH
THAT FAIRY TALE STORY WE PROMISED YOU

ABOUT THE UNKNOWN SHOP ASSISTANT
THAT'S SUDDENLY BEEN PLUCKED FOR STARDOM.

JUST IMAGINE YOU DO A TURN AT YOUR
STAFF CONCERT, WHEREVER IT IS YOU WORK,

THEN SUDDENLY YOU
GET FIRST A PHONE CALL

AND THEN A FAT CONTRACT FROM
A MAJOR RECORDING COMPANY.

IT'S HAPPENED. THE SONG THAT
DID IT IS "CHANSON D'AMOUR."

MORE TO THE POINT, THE MAN THAT
DID IT IS CALLED BERT SPOONER...

A NAME TO CONJURE WITH... AND
HE WORKS AT GRACE BROTHERS.

HE WAS BACKED IN HIS ENDEAVORS

BY MEMBERS OF HIS OWN DEPARTMENT

AND INDEED HE SEEMS TO
HAVE BROUGHT HALF THE SHOP

ALONG WITH HIM TO
THE STUDIO TONIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LEFT BANK, BERT SPOONER,

"CHANSON D'AMOUR."

- MUSIC.
- ( music plays )

♪ CHANSON... ♪

♪ D'AMOUR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ PLAY ENCORE ♪

♪ HERE IN MY HEART ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ MORE AND MORE ♪

♪ CHANSON... ♪

♪ D'AMOUR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ JE T'ADORE ♪

♪ EACH TIME ♪

♪ I HEAR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA... ♪

HE'S WAVING HIS ARMS.

HIS VOICE HAS GONE.
QUICK, PUT OUR TAPE ON.

SOUND, QUICK, PUT THAT TAPE ON.

( music plays at high speed )

( sped up, high voices )
♪ Chanson D'Amour ♪

♪ Ra ta ta ta ta ♪

♪ Play encore ♪

♪ Here in my heart ♪

♪ Ra ta ta ta ta ♪

♪ More and more... ♪

- WHAT SPEED'S THAT TAPE?!
- SEVEN AND A HALF.

SEVEN AND A HALF?
BUT WE RUN AT 15!

SUSAN, THIS COULD BE
THE END OF YOUR CAREER!

IT'S JUST NOT MY DAY.

♪ Each time I hear ♪

♪ Ra ta ta ta ta ♪

♪ Chanson, Chanson D'Amour ♪

( music plays at normal speed )

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ CHANSON D'AMOUR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ JE T'ADORE ♪

♪ EACH TIME ♪

♪ I HEAR ♪

♪ RA TA TA TA TA ♪

♪ CHANSON, CHANSON... ♪

♪ D'AMOUR ♪

♪ EVERY TIME I HEAR ♪

♪ CHANSON, CHANSON ♪

♪ D'AMOUR. ♪