Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 4 - Gambling Fever - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

OH LOOK, ME SUSPENDER'S BROKE.



I'LL JUST HAVE TO GO
AND DO A REPAIR JOB.

DO IT HERE IF YOU LIKE.

HUH! YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

BEVERLY HERE, I AM IN THE
LADIES AND GENTS DEPARTMENT.

- CAN YOU HEAR ME,
SEYMOUR? COME IN.
- Roger.

MR. HARMAN, WHAT ARE
YOU UP TO WITH THAT THING?

I AM TESTING GRACE BROTHERS
NEW SECURITY SYSTEM

INSTALLED AT GREAT COST.

BEHIND THE CURTAIN WHAT
USED TO BE THE FITTING ROOM,

LIES THE MAIN APPARATUS.

IT IS THE ULTIMATE RESULT
OF THE 20th CENTURY

HIGHLY-SOPHISTICATED
TECHNOLOGICAL COMPUTER "HARDMARE."

I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE.

WE PUT IT UP OVER THE
WEEKEND. WE CALL IT BIG BROTHER.



THE PRESS OF THE
BUTTON AND HEY PRESTO,

YOU CAN LOOK FOR SHOPLIFTERS
AT ANY PART OF THE STORE.

ALLOW ME TO GIVE
YOU A DEMONSTRATION.

Mrs. Slocombe: LOOK, LOOK AT THAT
POLISH. HE'S GOING TO POLISH HIS DESK.

Harman: SO THAT'S HOW HE GOT
THAT LONGER LASTING SHINE.

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU GET?

ALMOST ANYWHERE EVEN PACKING.

I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.

THE LADS LIKE A BIT OF PRIVACY
WHILE THEY'RE PLAYING CARDS.

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU
RECEIVING ME, SEYMOUR?

- Roger.
- MOVE THAT BOX,
I WANT TO SEE YOU.

Harman: I'LL HAVE 50p ON THAT
HAND, AND PUT THE KETTLE ON.

You've got it.

OH, IT'S AN INVASION OF PRIVACY.

LET'S HAVE A PRESS.

SMOKING ON THE FLOOR...

I'LL HAVE A WORD
WITH HER ABOUT THAT.

BLIMEY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

HAVE YOU BEEN TRAVELING
HALF-FARE ON THE BUSES?

IN VIEW OF THE EXTREMELY
HOT WEATHER, I THINK...

I THINK IT WOULD BE
MOST UNWISE OF YOU

TO PLACE TOO MUCH
STRAIN ON YOUR BRAIN

BY TRYING TO MAKE WITTY
REMARKS AT MY EXPENSE.

SORRY, SIR.

- PUT MY DUTY TROUSERS
IN THE FITTING ROOM.
- YES, SIR.

OH, I SAY? ( giggling )

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOUR KNEES IS MUCH
YOUNGER THAN I EXPECTED.

A LOT OF OLDER MEN AT YOUR AGE,

THEY'VE GOT OLDER-LOOKING KNEES.

I EXPECT HE'S HAD THEM LIFTED.

I HAVE NOT HAD THEM LIFTED.

IT'S ALL THAT BENDING DOWN AT THE
BOWLING CLUB, KEEPS THEM YOUNG, I EXPECT.

MR. HARMAN, THIS FLOOR
SHOULD'VE BEEN FINISHED BY 8:30.

I AM CHECKING THE NEW
TV SECURITY SCREEN.

WHY THEY INSTALLED THAT INSTEAD OF BETTER
AIR CONDITIONING, I SHALL NEVER KNOW.

I KNOW, IT'S LIKE AN OVEN HERE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT MY FACE.

MY FOUNDATION CREAM
IS BEGINNING TO CRACK.

YES, AND IF YOU WAS
A BLOCK OF FLATS,

YOU'D BE CONDEMNED BY NOW.

MR. HARMAN, THAT WILL DO.

I'LL SWITCH THOSE
FANS ON AT 9:00 SHARP.

IF YOU DON'T, I'M OFF.

YOU WON'T BE THE FIRST. THE COD IN
THE CANTEEN WENT OFF HALF AN HOUR AGO.

WHERE IS MR. HUMPHRIES?

HE PHONED TO SAY HE HAD A PUNCTURE,
BUT HE STILL HOPED TO BE HERE ON TIME.

WHY CAN'T ME AND MISS BRAHMS

HAVE ONE OF THOSE PORTABLE
FANS LIKE WHAT HE'S GOT?

NOBODY'S PREVENTING
YOU FROM BUYING ONE,

THEY'RE ON SALE IN THE
ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT.

- THEY OUGHT
TO BE ISSUED FREE.
- ( phone rings )

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS AUTHORIZE THEM.

I DO NOT CONSIDER IT NECESSARY.

HELLO. YES?

OH, MR. RUMBOLD.

YES, YES, I'LL TELL HER.

APPARENTLY, MISS BELFRIDGE
IS IN ONE OF THE FITTING ROOMS

AND MR. RUMBOLD
REQUIRES HER IN HIS OFFICE.

SHE MUST HAVE GOT IN EARLY.

SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO BE
THERE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

OR MINE. GET HER OUT OF
THERE, MISS BRAHMS, AT ONCE.

I SHALL SPEAK TO HER
VERY SEVERELY ABOUT THIS.

HERE, CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WANTS YOU OUT HERE

AT THE DOUBLE!

- STEPHEN?
- OH!

DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME?

YOU SHOULD REALLY ASK MY
PERMISSION TO BE ON THE FLOOR,

BUT I'LL OVERLOOK IT THIS TIME.

IT'S THE ONLY THING
HE HAS OVERLOOKED.

I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE UP
MY MIND ABOUT THIS COSTUME.

- DO YOU THINK IT'S TOO BIG?
- I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

IT'S BETWEEN THESE TWO.

THERE IS VERY LITTLE
BETWEEN THOSE TWO.

MISS BELFRIDGE, DO LET US
KNOW IF YOU NEED A SHOEHORN.

I HAVEN'T CHOSEN THE SHOES YET,

I'M STILL TRYING TO
DECIDE ON THE COSTUME.

OH, BY THE WAY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

YOU'VE GOT EVER SUCH NICE KNEES.

I THINK I WILL AUTHORIZE
THOSE FANS AFTER ALL.

Harman: I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT.

I'LL TRY AND GET YOU ONE
WITH A LONG-LASTING BATTERY,

IN CASE SHE CAN'T
MAKE HER MIND UP.

- ( bell ringing )
- HOLD THE GOODS LIFT,
SEYMOUR.

MR. HUMPHRIES, WHAT
IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

I THOUGHT I'D TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE HEAT WAVE

TO SELL MY MOTHER'S ICE
CREAM, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

I GOT A PUNCTURE ON THE M1.

BUT YOU DON'T LIVE
ANYWHERE NEAR THE M1.

I KNOW, THERE I WAS
VENDING MY WARES

WHEN THIS BIG BLUE
JAGUAR BACKED INTO ME.

CAUGHT ITS BACK BUMPER
ON MY FRONT MUDGUARD

AND BEFORE I KNEW WHERE I WAS,

I WAS HURDLING UP NORTH,

RINGING MY BELL
FOR ALL I WAS WORTH.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

I KNOW, THE HEAT
FROM HIS EXHAUST

NEARLY MELTED MY TUTTI-FRUTTIS.

- HOW DID YOU GET BACK?
- BY TRAIN.

I WAS NEARLY SOLD OUT BY
THE TIME I GOT TO BAKER STREET.

WHAT A SWIZZ, I COULD
JUST DO WITH AN ICE.

YOU MIGHT BE LUCKY.
LOOK, I'VE GOT ONE LEFT.

A GIANT FROZEN DELIGHT.

50p.

OH, OH, I'D LOVE IT.

BUT ALL I'VE GOT LEFT IS MY
DINNER MONEY AND MY FARE HOME.

ME TOO. CAN'T WE
HAVE IT ON TICK?

I KNOW, WHY DON'T WE ALL
CHIP IN AND HAVE A LICK EACH?

COME ON, MAKE YOUR MIND 'CAUSE
IT'S DRIBBLING ALL DOWN MY ELBOW.

WELL, I HAVE THE
REQUIRED AMOUNT.

- I SHALL PURCHASE IT.
- THANK YOU.

OH, LET'S HAVE A GO.

YOU LADIES SHOULD BE MUCH
MORE CAREFUL WITH YOUR MONEY.

I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS.

IS THIS ONE TOO BRIGHT, STEPHEN?

I'M SORRY I WAS SO LONG,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T
MAKE UP MY MIND.

IS THAT THE COSTUME
OR THE LABEL?

- THE COSTUME.
- ( knocks )

SIT DOWN, AND GET
ON WITH YOUR WORK.

MORNING TEA. I'M AFRAID
WE'VE RUN OUT OF BISCUITS,

BUT YOU CAN HAVE HALF A
CADBURY'S SNACK AT A REDUCED PRICE.

( spits )

NO THANK YOU.

- BY THEY WAY, HAVE YOU
HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?
- WHAT NEWS?

THE LONG-AWAITED BONUS PAYMENT
HAS FINALLY BEEN PASSED BY THE BOARD.

- WE'RE GETTING IT TODAY.
- ARE YOU SURE?

- I'VE GOT MINE
ALREADY. LOOK.
- ( phone rings )

HELLO?

IT'S MR. GRACE FOR YOU, SIR.

RUMBOLD HERE, SIR.

YOU'RE PAYING THE BONUS
TODAY? THAT IS A SURPRISE.

OH YES, THE STAFF
WILL BE DELIGHTED.

( chuckles ) ALL EXCEPT WHO?

BUT I'M UPPER MIDDLE MANAGEMENT!

I'M ALMOST ONE OF THE FAMILY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"IT'S A CASE OF F.H.B."?

OH, FAMILY HOLD BACK.

MR. GRACE, THIS IS INTOLERABLE.

I WON'T STAND FOR
IT. IN FACT, I RESIGN.

- SIR.
- WHAT'S THAT?

YOU JUST RESIGNED.

NO, HE'LL PHONE BACK
AND BEG ME TO STAY.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
PERHAPS I WAS A BIT HASTY.

HELLO, MR. GRACE,
WE GOT CUT OFF, SIR.

AS I WAS SAYING, I
RESIGNED MYSELF

TO NOT GETTING
MY BONUS JUST YET.

RUMBOLD, SIR. YES, BIG EARS.

YES, THE CRAWLER.

HE'D FORGOTTEN ALREADY.

- WANT TO BORROW
A FIVER?
- GET OUT.

( giggles ) I CAN
HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

FANCY US GETTING
OUR BONUS AT LAST.

I'VE GOT ABOUT £100 HERE.

SAME AS ME.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE AS MUCH
AS ME AND MRS. SLOCOMBE,

ON ACCOUNT OF WE'VE
BEEN HERE LONGER.

YOU SEEM TO FORGET...

( deep voice ) I'M A MAN.

I WONDER HOW MUCH
I'LL GET BEING THE JUNIOR.

PROBABLY YOU OWE THEM.

I DESERVE SOMETHING.

TRUE, BUT JUSTICE IS SO ARRANGED

THAT PEOPLE DO NOT ALWAYS
GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.

- MORE COFFEE ANYONE?
- YOU MEAN TO SAY WE HAVEN'T
GOT TO GO TO THE COUNTER?

NOT TODAY. GETTING MY BONUS
HAS PUT ME IN A GOOD MOOD.

PLUS I GOT DIRTY MONEY TO COMPENSATE
ME FOR WEAR AND TEAR ON MY CLOTHES.

JUDGING BY YOUR PINNY, IT
SHOULD BE QUITE A TIDY SUM.

EVEN WITH CLIMBING GEAR,

YOU WOULDN'T GET UP MY
NOSE TODAY, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

NOW YOU ALL JUST SIT THERE
AND I'LL GET YOUR COFFEES.

- IT'S ON ME,
PLUS SOME NICE CAKES.
- THAT IS MOST GENEROUS.

- YOU LOOK VERY HOT.
- THE FANS AREN'T WORKING.

I'LL GET THE STAFF
TO COOL YOU DOWN.

FANS FOR TABLE FOUR.

OH, ISN'T IT LOVELY
BEING FANNED?

I FEEL LIKE AN EGYPTIAN QUEEN.

DO YOU?

COULD YOU GO A
BIT FASTER, PLEASE?

THE GARLIC'S GETTING THROUGH.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW
FREEDOM FROM POVERTY

BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE?

IT'S CERTAINLY THE REVERSE
IN MR. RUMBOLD'S CASE.

OH, HE'S GONE MAD AT
NOT GETTING HIS BONUS.

I GATHER HE'S IN THE
EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM

TRYING TO PERSUADE
MR. GRACE TO CHANGE HIS MIND.

WELL, IT PROVES HE'S GOT GUTS.

LET'S HOPE WE DON'T
NEED A DUSTPAN AND BRUSH

TO GET THEM OFF THE CARPET.

HERE HE COMES.
I THINK HE DID IT.

THANK YOU, SIR, A MOST
KIND AND GENEROUS GESTURE.

YOU BIG-EARED, BALD-HEADED GIT.

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I DO APOLOGIZE, REALLY.

YOU WAIT TILL I TELL
MR. GRACE WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

NO PLEASE, I'M ONLY
BEING ALLOWED TO STAY ON

PROVIDED I DON'T
CAUSE ANY TROUBLE.

- OH-HH!
- AHH!

MY GOOD MOOD'S GONE.

I'D NEVER HAVE KNOWN.

GET BACK TO WORK, YOU LOT.

WELL, ALL BACK TO NORMAL.

YOU SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

WHAT A FRACAS IN THERE.

LUCKY MR. GRACE
IS IN A GOOD MOOD.

THAT'S MAINLY DUE TO THE FACT
HE'S GOT A HORSE RUNNING TODAY.

DO YOU MEAN HE'S BEEN SQUANDERING
HIS MONEY ON THE HORSES?

WE WAS LUCKY TO
GET OUR BONUS AT ALL.

RACING IS THE PRIVILEGE
OF THE PRIVILEGED.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF
MR. GRACE'S HORSE?

MOTHER'S BOY. AND IT'S A FLYER.

YOU MEAN YOU HAVE
INSIDE INFORMATION?

I'M VERY CLOSE TO THE
STABLE LAD. IT'S A DEAD CERT.

I WAS ONCE CLOSE TO A STABLE LAD

AND HE PUT ME ON A DEAD CERT.

Harman: DID YOUR
DEAD CERT COME HOME?

NO, WE STAYED IN A
HOTEL IN WORTHING.

SHE WAS IN THE SALVATION ARMY.

THEY WERE SAVING
THE SOUTH COAST.

WAS SHE PRETTY?

LIKE AN ANGEL.

WE BECAME VERY GOOD
FRIENDS UNDER THE PIER.

- DID SHE SAVE YOU?
- SHE WOULD HAVE DONE,

HAD IT NOT BEEN
FOR A SUDDEN WAVE.

- HIGH TIDE?
- NO, A POLICEMAN.

WHAT'S THE ODDS ON THIS HORSE?

TWO TO ONE. THE REASON
WHY THE ODDS IS SO LOW

IS THAT IT CAN'T LOSE.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS
NO SUCH THING AS A DEAD CERT.

IF THERE WERE, IT
WOULD BE ODDS ON.

THIS ONE WOULD BE ODDS ON
IF PEOPLE KNEW WHAT I KNOW.

I SAW IT DO A SECRET GALLOP.

- HOW DID IT GO?
- LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE RACING IS MY
HOBBY. I GOT A TON ON IT.

- ALL OF YOUR BONUS?
- NO, ONLY 100 QUID OF IT.

THAT GOES ONTO MOTHER'S
BOY AT TWO TO ONE

IN THE QUEEN MARY STAKES.
ALL THE WINNINGS OF THAT

GOES ONTO INSIDE LEG
OUT OF TROUSER PRESS

AT 10 TO ONE AT THE HUNT CUP.

IT'S WHAT WE IN THE
TRADE TERM AS "A DOUBLE."

BUT ONLY ONE HORSE HAS TO
LOSE... YOU'VE LOST THE LOT.

YEAH, BUT IF THEY BOTH COME
IN, IT'LL BE SPEND, SPEND, SPEND.

I CAN MAKE ABOUT 2,000 QUID.

£2,000? IT'S A FORTUNE.

AND WE'VE GOT THE
MONEY TO PUT ON IT.

I DON'T WANT TO
BE A WET BLANKET,

BUT THE ODDS ARE THAT
YOU'LL LOSE THE LOT.

GAMBLING HAS RUINED
MANY PEOPLE... I KNOW.

AS A YOUNG MAN, I LOST
EVERYTHING ON THE HORSES.

JUST THE WORDS "BETTING SHOP"
WOULD MAKE MY FACE TWITCH.

I COULDN'T CONTROL
MYSELF. IT WAS LIKE A FEVER.

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

I'M AFRAID IT'S TRUE.

I STARTED WITH THE HORSES,
BUT THAT WASN'T ENOUGH,

AND NIGHT AFTER NIGHT

I'D BE AT THE WHITE
CITY BETTING ON DOGS.

FANCY YOU GOING TO THE DOGS.

OF COURSE, I WON TO START WITH.

I STUDIED FORM, YOU SEE.

BUT THEN MY BETS GOT
BIGGER AND SO DID MY LOSSES.

AND IN THE END I
COULDN'T THINK CLEARLY.

AND FORM WENT OUT OF THE WINDOW.

I PAWNED MY STUDS, MY
WATCH, EVEN MY MEDALS.

NO, DON'T. ( sobbing )

I WAS AT THE END OF MY TETHER.

I REMEMBER ONE NIGHT
STANDING THERE IN THE RAIN,

UNSHAVEN, SWAYING SLIGHTLY,

STARING AT THE DOGS AS THEY
WERE PARADED ROUND THE RING.

AND BETTING ON THE ONE
WITH THE LONGEST NOSE.

AFTER A DRINK OF EAU DE COLOGNE,

FORM MEANS NOTHING.

WAS THIS BEFORE
YOU WERE MARRIED?

THIS WAS MY WEDDING NIGHT.

- YOUR POOR WIFE.
- HOW DID YOU STOP?

SHEER WILL POWER AND
THE LOVE OF A GOOD WOMAN.

- YOUR WIFE.
- HER AS WELL.

YOU SEE SHE THREATENED
TO DIVORCE ME

IF EVER SHE CAUGHT ME
BETTING MORE THAN A FIVER.

SO SOMEHOW I GAVE UP.

AND TODAY, OF COURSE, I'M CURED.

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT £100

THAT I'VE NEVER HAD UNTIL
TODAY IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE.

OOH, BUT WITH £2,000

I COULDN'T HALF HAVE A SPREE.

I SUPPOSE I COULD
INVEST A FIVER.

THAT COULD WIN MORE THAN
100 IF THEY BOTH COME UP.

OH, WE CAN'T
RETIRE ON A 100 QUID.

YOU CAN'T RETIRE ON 2,000.

WELL, OF COURSE I KNOW THAT.

ONLY I COULD HAVE A
HOLIDAY IN... IN CAPRI.

AND THEN I MIGHT MEET
A LOVELY MILLIONAIRE

WHO'D WANT ME TO LOOK
AFTER HIM IN HIS FADING YEARS.

YOU'D HAVE TO BOOK
INTO A VERY GOOD HOTEL.

WELL, I KNOW THAT.

BUT WITH £2, OOO I COULD
PUT UP QUITE A BIG FRONT.

YOU'RE NOT DOING
TOO BAD WITHOUT IT.

SHUT UP.

LOOK, ARE YOU LOT IN OR OUT?

- IN.
- RIGHT, I'M SEEING
THE JOCKEY

WHAT'S RIDING MOTHER'S
BOY ROUND AT THE PUB.

HE GAVE HER THE TRY-OUT AT DAWN

AND HE'S GOING TO GIVE ME
THE NOD ON HOW IT'S GOING.

- I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T LOSE.
- IT CAN'T LOSE.

BUT WE'LL GET A ROUGH IDEA HOW
MANY LENGTHS IT'S GOING TO WIN BY.

THEN EVERYTHING GOES
ONTO INSIDE LEG AT 10 TO ONE.

IT'S THAT GOOD, YOU MEAN?

HERE'S A FIVER,
BUT THAT'S MY LIMIT.

WELL, I KNOW I'VE
JUST GOT MY BONUS,

BUT I'M ONLY GOING
TO RISK A FIVER.

ME TOO. HERE YOU ARE.

I'M NOT BETTING MAN,
BUT MY MOTHER IS,

- SO I'LL HAVE A FIVER.
- 50p, IT'S ALL I'VE GOT.

YOU COULD WIN 10 QUID FOR THAT.

MR. HARMAN, COULD YOU LEAVE BEFORE I
BET THE REST OF THIS MONEY ON THAT HORSE?

IF YOU DO, YOU
COULD WIN 2,000 QUID.

I'M BEGINNING TO TWITCH NOW.

HERE, TAKE IT. TAKE IT ALL.

- I SHALL NEVER MISS
WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD.
- ONLY UNLESS YOU'RE SURE

YOU WANT TO BET ON A DEAD CERT.

GO ON, TAKE MINE.

I'D NEVER REST IF I
THOUGHT I PASSED UP

A CHANCE TO WIN £2,000.

ONLY UNLESS YOU'RE SURE.

WE ARE. THERE'S MINE.

IT'S NO GOOD, I CAN'T
STOP MYSELF. HERE'S MINE.

NO, I WON'T TAKE YOURS.

YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE IT UP.

PUT IT AWAY. THE
FEVER WILL PASS.

HAVE A NICE STRONG CUP OF
COFFEE, IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

IT'S NO USE, I'VE GOT TO PUT
THAT MONEY ON THAT HORSE.

OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
CONTROL YOURSELF.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

( breathes )

AND HOLD IT.

NOT TOO LONG.

( gasps )

OH, THANK YOU. I'M
REALLY VERY ASHAMED

THAT YOU SHOULD SEE MY WEAKNESS
FOR A MOMENT JUST LIKE THAT.

IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

YES, WE WON'T MENTION
IT TILL THE RACE IS OVER

AND THEY'VE COLLECTED
THEIR 2,000 QUID,

WHICH THEY WON ON THE
DEAD CERT THAT COULDN'T LOSE.

WHERE'S THAT BETTING SHOP?!

- Both: NO!
- CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
COME BACK!

YOU STUPID, DAFT BOY!

WELL, IT'S VERY UNIQUE, MADAM.

BUT IS IT ASCOT?

WELL, THERE'S HORSES THERE

AND IT'S VERY "DALLAS."

I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

WILL YOU REQUIRE A
CREDIT NOTE, MADAM?

I HAVEN'T BOUGHT ANYTHING.

NO, BUT YOU HAVEN'T
HALF-MESSED THAT HAT ABOUT.

I DON'T LIKE THE
TONE OF YOUR VOICE.

AND I DON'T LIKE BEING
SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER.

I'M VERY FRIENDLY WITH ONE OF
THE MAIN SHAREHOLDERS IN THIS FIRM.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- MRS. DeVERE WINTERTON.

I SHALL REMEMBER THAT.

I HOPED YOU MIGHT.

"DALLAS!"

WOW, SHE LOOKED
STUPID IN THAT HAT.

I KNOW THAT AND YOU KNOW THAT,

BUT YOU DON'T TELL
THE CUSTOMER THAT.

YES, BUT WHEN WE
GET OUR WINNINGS,

WE'LL BE THE ONES
BUYING HATS, WON'T WE?

- MRS. SLOCOMBE, MISS BRAHMS, DID I...
- EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

MR. RUMBOLD HAS HAD TO
GO AND SEE HIS BANK MANAGER,

HE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU THAT
YOU'RE IN CHARGE TILL HE GETS BACK.

- RIGHT.
- BY THE WAY,

- THERE'S A RUMOR THAT YOU
PUT THAT BET ON.
- I DID.

IT WAS THE BIGGEST
MISTAKE I EVER MADE.

THERE'S A TELLY IN
MR. RUMBOLD'S OFFICE,

YOU COULD WATCH IT IN THERE.

- I'M GOING TO WATCH IT
IN PACKING.
- RIGHT.

COME ON. HEY, RUMBOLD'S
GONE TO THE BANK.

WE'RE GOING TO WATCH
IT ON HIS PORTABLE.

And it's Mother's Boy
coming through in the inside.

And Dead Easy is holding off.

And now they're neck and neck.

And now it's
Biscuit challenging.

WHY IS THAT JOCKEY
BOBBING UP AND DOWN?

- HE'S PUTTING IT OFF.
- YOU LOT AREN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE.

And Mother's Boy
is pulling away.

- COME ON! COME ON!
- COME ON, MY SON!

- COME ON, MY SON!
- SHOW HIM THE WHIP!

COME ON!

HOW DARE YOU WATCH
TELEVISION IN MY OFFICE?!

OH, THEY WERE NEARLY AT THE END.

- NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHO'S WON.
- OUR BONUS WAS ON THAT.

PEACOCK, I HOLD YOU RESPONSIBLE,

AND I MUST TELL YOU I AM
TOTALLY OPPOSED TO GAMBLING.

WHY ARE YOU TWITCHING, PEACOCK?

I'VE NO IDEA.

GET BACK ON THE FLOOR.

Miss Brahms: OH!

SPOILSPORT!

I EXPECT YOU TRIED TO STOP THEM,

BUT THEY FORCED YOU
TO SWITCH THE SET ON.

- YES, SIR.
- ( phone rings )

HELLO?

YEAH. YES, I'LL TELL HIM.

IT'S MR. GRACE. HE'S
GOT TO GO TO A MEETING

AND HE WANTS YOU TO
WATCH OUT FOR THE ODDS

ON THE LAST RACE
THEY JUST RAN AT ASCOT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO THE BANK.

I DID, BUT THERE WAS A QUEUE.

AH, HELLO, SIR.

YES, THAT'LL BE A PLEASURE.

YES, A WONDERFUL
SPORT. ( chuckles )

AND WHILE YOU'RE
ON THE LINE, SIR,

ABOUT MY BONUS... YOU WHAT?

YOU'VE INVESTED IT?

WELL, THAT IS MOST KIND,

BUT I DO NEED IT
RATHER URGENTLY.

MAY I INQUIRE IF IT'S ON
DEPOSIT AT A GOOD RATE?

I SEE.

IT'S ON INSIDE LEG IN THE 3:30.

YES, I WILL WATCH MOST CLOSELY.

HE'S GOT MY MONEY ON HIS HORSE!

COME, LET'S GET THE SET ON.

NOW THEN,

I WONDER WHAT THE ODDS ARE...

AND WHO THE JOCKEY IS,
AND WHAT THE GOING'S LIKE.

AND WHY WE'RE
WATCHING "PLAYSCHOOL"?

LOOK, I'M SORRY, WHAT CAN I SAY?

SORRY? ABOUT WHAT?

BUT, OUR HORSE CAME FIRST.
HE WAS LEADING AT THE END.

YES, THE HORSE CAME IN FIRST,

BUT NOT THE
JOCKEY... HE FELL OFF.

THAT DOESN'T COUNT, DOES IT?

NO, IT DOESN'T. WE'VE
LOST OUR BONUS.

ALL THAT MONEY WAS
GOING ONTO THE NEXT RACE.

OH, WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN!
WHAT AN UNMITIGATED FOOL.

IF THE JOCKEY FELL OFF, WE
SHOULD HAVE OUR MONEY BACK.

THAT'S THE LUCK OF
THE GAME, ISN'T IT?

THERE IS STILL A WAY YOU
COULD GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

- WHAT IS IT? HOW?
- THE NEXT HORSE IS
INSIDE LEG AT 10 TO ONE,

NOW, IF YOU ALL PUT A
TENNER ON THAT TO WIN

AND IT WINS, YOU COLLECT
AND GET YOUR BONUS BACK.

BUT WE'RE BROKE.

ALL OUR MONEY WAS ON THE RACE.

YES, I CAN'T EVEN GET HOME.

AND IF MY WIFE FINDS
OUT, MY LIFE WILL BE HELL.

YOU COULD ALWAYS GO ROUND TO THE
PAWNBROKER AND RAISE A BIT OF WIND.

THEM CUFF-LINKS OF YOURS
MUST BE WORTH A TENNER...

MR. HUMPHRIES' WATCH AND
CHAIN... THAT'S QUITE NICE.

WE CAN'T RUN AROUND LONDON
LOOKING FOR A PAWNBROKER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. MY CARD.

SEE THE BALLS ON IT?
I DO A BIT ON THE SIDE.

OH, SO YOU'LL GIVE
US THE TENNERS?

LET'S SEE WHAT
YOU'VE GOT TO HOCK.

HERE, YOU CAN HAVE
MY WATCH AND CHAIN.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D
SINK THIS LOW AGAIN.

THERE'S MY
SEMI-PRECIOUS EARRINGS

AND MY PART-CROCODILE HANDBAG.

- WHICH PART'S CROCODILE?
- THE CLASP.

THEY'RE REAL CROCODILE TEETH.

I'M TAKING A CHANCE FOR THAT.

I HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING TO OFFER.

YOU CAN HAVE IT ON TICK.

WHY COULDN'T I HAVE IT ON TICK?

YOU REALLY HAVEN'T
GOT ANYTHING TO OFFER.

DAFT BOY.

WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME
FOR THIS ELECTRIC FAN?

- SECONDHAND? A QUID.
- ROBBERY!

- IF YOU'RE GOING
TO INSULT THE FIRM, 50p.
- I'LL TAKE IT.

HERE WE ARE. HERE'S A TENNER
EACH TO PUT ON AT 10 TO ONE

ON THE INSIDE LEG.
THERE'S A QUID FOR YOU.

- NOW, ALL WE NEED
IS A BOOKIE.
- MY CARD.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
A BOOKIE AS WELL?

IT'S WILLIAM HILL'S NUMBER.
I'VE GOT AN ACCOUNT WITH HIM.

I HOPE THAT HORSE WINS.

MY MOTHER GAVE
ME THAT WATCH WHEN

I BECAME CAPTAIN OF
THE EMBROIDERY TEAM.

JOHN BLINKER HERE.

CAN I HAVE 50 QUID
TO WIN ON INSIDE LEG?

10 TO ONE, THANK YOU.

OH, THAT DIDN'T LAST LONG.

I DO WISH WE COULD
SEE IT ON THE TELLY.

WE CAN'T LEAVE THE FLOOR
AGAIN. WE'D GET FIRED.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA. THE SECURITY
SCREEN IN THE FITTING ROOM.

I COULD POP DOWN TO
THE RADIO DEPARTMENT,

GET ONE OF THOSE
WALKIE-TALKIE THINGS,

LISTEN TO IT ON THE
RADIO AND RELAY IT TO YOU

ON THE SCREEN IN
THE FITTING ROOM.

- THAT'S BRILLIANT.
- PERMISSION TO LEAVE
THE FLOOR?

I'LL TURN A BLIND EYE.

OH, LOOK AT THOSE HATS.

YES, RATHER SILLY SOME OF THEM.

AH, THE HORSES ARE LINING UP.

WHICH IS THE ONE
WITH MY BONUS ON IT?

THE ONE FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
AND FACING THE WRONG WAY.

I CAN'T STAND THE STRAIN.

TELL ME WHEN IT'S OVER.

- HERE HE IS.
- Miss Brahms:
THERE HE IS NOW.

- HIS SHOES LOOK NICE.
- WE CAN SEE YOU.

CAN YOU HEAR US?

( silent )

WE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

- IT'S NO GOOD, WE CAN'T HEAR.
- WE'RE GOING TO MISS
THE RACE!

Mrs. Slocombe: WHAT IS HE DOING?

Spooner: HEADPHONES?

- Peacock: WHAT IS HE DOING?
- I KNOW, I KNOW...

HE'S GOING TO LISTEN TO
THE RACE ON THE RADIO.

AND THEN MIME IT
TO US. IS THAT RIGHT?

OH, GREAT.

Spooner: WHAT'S HE DOING?

OH, HE'S MIMING. HE'S
MIMING INSIDE LEG.

- Mrs. Slocombe:
NOW WHAT'S HE DOING?
- I'VE NO IDEA.

HE LOOKS AS IF
HE'S PLAYING TENNIS.

I'VE GOT IT, I'VE PLAYED
CHARADES BEFORE.

THAT MEANS FIRST
WORD. FIRST WORD.

KICK. HE'S KICKING THE HORSE.

GOT IT, FIRST LETTER
OF FIRST WORD.

A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N,

O, P...

- All: "P"!
- Mrs. Slocombe:
"P" SOMETHING.

- Spooner: WHAT'S WRONG?
- I'VE GOT IT! I'VE GOT IT!

THE JOCKEY'S GONE POTTY.

- SKIING? SKIPPING?
- Mrs. Slocombe:
HE'S PLAYING!

INSIDE LEG... PLAYING...

I'VE GOT IT. INSIDE
LEG IS PLAYING UP.

- OH!
- OH, DEAR.

- Miss Brahms: GO AWAY.
- Peacock: TWO WORDS.

TWO WORDS.

Harman: IN HIS TROUSERS.

- SHIRT? HIS SHIRT'S OPEN.
- PANTS!

THE HORSE IS PANTING.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S UNDERWEAR.

FIRST WORD: UNDER.

- HANDLE?
- UNDER-HANDLE?

- UNDER A CAR?
- UNDER A BARREL ORGAN?

UNDER A MANGLE?

Peacock: IT'S HIS BILL PAD.

BILL PAD... ORDERS.

THAT'S IT! THEY'RE ORDERS!

THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS!

- WATCH?
- TIME?

Peacock: FIVE SECONDS TO GO.

FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.

THEY'RE OFF!

INSIDE LEG.

IT'S A LADY HORSE.

IT'S A LADY HORSE WITHOUT A BRA.

IT'S OUT IN FRONT.

BLIMEY, IT'S ANOTHER
HORSE PASSING IT.

- OH, WHICH ONE IS THAT?
- TEAPOT.

- TEAPOT.
- I'LL GO THROUGH
THE FIELD.

"INSIDE LEG, NIGHT CAP,

FRENZY, HOLIDAY QUEEN."

Miss Brahms: OH, HOLIDAY QUEEN!

THE JOCKEY'S PULLING HIS COLLAR.

Peacock: KISSING? LOVE?

INSIDE LEG'S KISSING
HOLIDAY QUEEN!

I'VE GOT IT: NECKING.
THEY'RE NECK AND NECK.

Peacock: GOOD!

All: INSIDE LEG...

IS OUT IN FRONT...
FROM HOLIDAY QUEEN...

Mrs. Slocombe: IT'S A LETTER.

HE'S LET ANOTHER HORSE GO PAST.

HE'S POSTING IT... POSTING IT.

- POST?
- THEY'RE IN SIGHT
OF THE POST!

- All: INSIDE LEG...
- Harman: HAS GOT HIS NOSE IN FRONT...

All: OF HOLIDAY QUEEN.

THEY'RE GETTING NEAR THE POST.

( cheering )

WE WON!

OOOH!! IT GOT OUR MONEY BACK!

OOH, NEVER AGAIN.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. THERE
YOU ARE, MRS. SLOCOMBE.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

MY TELEVISION SET HAS
APPEARED TO HAVE BROKEN DOWN

AND I HAD TO WATCH
THE RACE FOR MR. GRACE.

HE'S VERY ANXIOUS
TO KNOW THE RESULT.

I WONDERED, DO
YOU HAPPEN TO HEAR

FROM ANY OF THE CUSTOMERS
OR ONE OF THE STAFF

WHICH HORSE WON IT?

SOMEONE MENTIONED
THAT INSIDE LEG HAD WON.

WHICH IS OF NO INTEREST
TO US, OF COURSE.

- THAT'S A RELIEF.
- SO YOU'VE GOT
YOUR BONUS THEN?

WELL, NEARLY.

APPARENTLY ALL THE WINNINGS GOES

ONTO A HORSE IN THE NEXT RACE

WHICH IS SOMETHING
CALLED A CERT AT 20 TO ONE.

YOU'VE GOT A CERT AT 20
TO ONE? WHAT'S IT CALLED?

KING OF THE FAIRIES.

20 TO ONE. WE
COULD WIN A FORTUNE!

Miss Brahms: OH, OH!

- MR. HUMPHRIES.
- WHAT IS IT?

HOW DO YOU FANCY KING
OF THE FAIRIES AT 4:00?

I DON'T FINISH WORK
TILL HALF PAST 5:00.

QUICK, ANY TO COME
ON KING OF THE FAIRIES...

COME ON!

HURRY UP, YOU. HURRY UP.

( cash register rings ) BEFORE
THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS.

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR, CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪