Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 1 - Goodbye Mrs. Slocombe - full transcript

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

WELL, MRS. SLOCOMBE
SHOULD BE HERE IN A MOMENT.



- WHERE'S MR. HUMPHRIES?
- HE'S GETTING HER FLOWERS.

Harman: PSST! PSST!

MRS. SLOCOMBE'S JUST
ENTERED THE STAFF ENTRANCE

LOOKING PEAKY, BUT PERKY.

OH, I AM GLAD. IT'LL BE SO
NICE TO HAVE HER BACK AGAIN.

'CAUSE RUNNING THIS COUNTER ON MY
OWN FOR TWO WEEKS HAS NEARLY DONE ME IN.

ANYBODY KNOW WHAT'S
BEEN WRONG WITH HER?

OH, IT WAS, UM... LADIES THINGS.

HOW COME YOU LOT ALWAYS
HAVE MORE MYSTERIOUS THINGS

THAN WHAT WE MEN HAVE?

I'M SURE THAT IF MRS.
SLOCOMBE WISHES

TO TELL US WHAT LAID
HER LOW, SHE WILL.

Peacock: ABOUT TIME.

THEY'RE ALL WILTED.



I CAN'T THINK WHY, THEY'VE JUST
DRUNK HALF A BUCKET OF WATER.

I THOUGHT YOU PICKED THEM
IN YOUR GARDEN THIS MORNING.

I DID, BUT YOU SEE,

I PUT THEM UNDER MY
OVERCOAT ON THE BUS

AND IT WAS VERY HOT
AND I THINK THEY FAINTED.

- WHY UNDER YOUR OVERCOAT?
- THE CONDUCTOR'S
VERY FRIENDLY

AND IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY TODAY. I DIDN'T
WANT HIM TO THINK THEY WERE FOR HIM.

- ( elevator bell rings ) - GET READY
FOR THE SONG. HERE COMES THE LIFT!

♪ GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE ♪

♪ WE'RE SORRY YOU'VE BEEN ILL ♪

♪ IT'S NICE TO HAVE
YOU BACK AGAIN ♪

♪ AT WORK BEHIND YOUR TILL. ♪

OH, I AM MOVED.

ON BEHALF OF US ALL, MAY I
PRESENT YOU WITH THESE?

OH, THANK YOU.

DO YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND
WAS THE LAST PERSON

TO GIVE ME THESE
SORT OF FLOWERS.

THEY REMIND ME OF HIM
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

IT'S VERY GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK,

BUT LET'S GET TO OUR
COUNTERS. WE OPEN IN A MOMENT.

( phone rings )

( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.

YES. CAPTAIN PEACOCK,

MR. RUMBOLD REQUIRES YOU.

Peacock: VERY WELL.

SHE DON'T LOOK 100%.

SHE'S BEEN IN HOSPITAL
FOR THREE DAYS.

WHAT DID THEY DO?

DO YOU KNOW, SHE DIDN'T
EVEN TELL ME, WHICH IS UNUSUAL.

I THINK SHE'S
TELLING MISS BRAHMS.

Humphries: FAR BE IT
FROM ME TO EAVESDROP.

BUT I MUST JUST STRAIGHTEN
THE TIE ON THAT CENTER DUMMY.

- Spooner: I'LL DO THE HANKY.
- Harman: I'LL POLISH THE SHOES.

IS THAT ALL THAT IT WAS?

YES, BUT IT WAS VERY PAINFUL.

MMMM, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAT?

Mrs. Slocombe: THAT WAS
A DIFFICULT DECISION.

WHEN THEY RANG FROM THE
HOSPITAL TO SAY THEY HAD A BED,

I THOUGHT, "I'M NOT
PARTING WITH IT."

OH, I'D FEEL THE SAME.

BUT DO YOU KNOW I HADN'T
BEEN THERE 20 MINUTES

WHEN THE HEAD SURGEON CAME IN.

HE TOOK BUT ONE LOOK AT IT
AND HE SAID, "THAT'S GOT TO GO."

( Miss Brahms gasps )

WHATEVER HAPPENED?

20 MINUTES LATER, MY PUSSY WAS
IN A BASKET ON ITS WAY TO SCOTLAND.

WELL, MY COUSIN'S GOT
A FARM THERE, YOU SEE,

SO SHE CAN LOOK AFTER IT.

BUT THIS WILL COME AS A
GREAT SHOCK TO MRS. SLOCOMBE.

AFTER ALL, SHE'S BEEN WITH
THE FIRM FOR MANY YEARS.

ALL THE MORE REASON WHY SHE SHOULD
BE REPLACED WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN.

WHAT EXACTLY IS
THE NEW RETIRING AGE

THAT THE MANAGEMENT
HAS INTRODUCED?

UH... AH.

BUT... BUT THIS
INCLUDES MY AGE GROUP.

IT ALSO INCLUDES MINE,

BUT IT DOESN'T APPLY TO UPPER
SENIOR STAFF, WHICH IS YOU,

OR TO UPPER MIDDLE
MANAGEMENT, WHICH IS ME.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE
CAN DO ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

WHO'S TO BREAK THE NEWS?

I THOUGHT PERHAPS YOU MIGHT.

I CAN ON OCCASION
SEEM SLIGHTLY TACTLESS...

UNINTENTIONALLY, OF COURSE.

DOES THAT MEAN THERE'LL
BE A VACANCY IN THE LADIES'?

YES, BUT I'M SURE AS SOON
AS PEOPLE HEAR ABOUT IT,

THEY'LL BE ANXIOUS TO FILL IT.

COULDN'T YOU JUST
MOVE MISS BRAHMS UP?

YES, THEN I COULD REPLACE HER.

I'M VERY WILLING
AND I WANT TO GET ON.

THAT'S TRUE.

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE ONLY HAD
EXPOSURE BEHIND THE DESK,

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
ANY ON THE FLOOR.

THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

- SHE STAYS HERE.
- VERY WELL.

NICE TRY, STEPHEN.

IT WAS THE HIGH HEELS
THAT BROUGHT IT ON.

I CAN'T STAND THE SUSPENSE
ANY LONGER. WHAT WAS IT?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, BUT
DON'T TELL ANYBODY ELSE.

NO!

WELL, IT'S A SMALL
WORLD, ISN'T IT?

I HAVE THAT.

- AT YOUR AGE?
- NO, NO, NO.

WHEN I WAS IN MY TEENS. THAT'S
WHY THEY DIDN'T TAKE ME IN THE ARMY.

THAT AND BEING UNDERWEIGHT.

MRS. SLOCOMBE,

I HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT TASK.

OH, USE MY KNIFE. IT'S SHARPER.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

LOOK, HANG ON. I'M
GOING TO GET MYSELF

SOME MORE HOT BUTTERED TOAST.

I'VE GOT TO BUILD MYSELF UP.

WHAT DID SHE HAVE?

IT'S PRIVATE.

WHILE MRS. SLOCOMBE
IS AWAY FROM THE TABLE,

I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT SHE'LL
BE GONE BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

( gasps )

SHE ONLY HAD AN
INGROWING TOENAIL.

NO, I MEAN SHE'LL BE REDUNDANT.

THE MANAGEMENT ARE FORCING
PEOPLE OF HER AGE TO RETIRE,

AND RUMBOLD HAS
ASKED ME TO TELL HER.

BUT, THE SHOCK WILL KILL HER.

THIS IS HER WHOLE LIFE.

BETTER WE TELL HER THAN RUMBOLD.

OH, YES, YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.

I TELL YOU WHAT... YOU TELL HER

AND WE'LL MAKE OUT
WHAT A GOOD IDEA IT IS.

OH YES. WE'LL SAY HOW LUCKY
SHE IS TO BE OUT OF THE RAT RACE.

SHE WILL GET REDUNDANCY
PAYMENT, OF COURSE.

WELL, THAT'LL BE A PLUS.

IT COULD LAST A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

SHH. SHE'S COMING.

PASS THE MARMALADE.

( chuckling )

( chuckling )

- UH, MRS. SLOCOMBE...
- YES.

APPARENTLY, A NEW DIRECTIVE
HAS BEEN ISSUED BY THE FIRM.

- OH, YES?
- YES.

PEOPLE OVER A CERTAIN AGE ARE
TO BE MADE REDUNDANT. ( chuckles )

( laughs ) OH, THE LUCKY DEVILS.

I HOPE IT'S ME.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET
OUT OF THIS RAT RACE.

YES, THINK OF THE
FUN WE COULD HAVE

NOT HAVING TO COME
IN TO WORK ANYMORE.

I'D SPEND ALL DAY IN MY GARDEN

TENDING IT

AND TRYING MY GNOMES
IN DIFFERENT POSITIONS.

OH, DOESN'T IT SOUND EXCITING?

I'D GO TO THE PICTURES EVERY DAY

AND GET UP LATE.

I'D PLAY GOLF.

HOW MANY TIMES WHEN WE'VE BEEN
STUCK IN HERE IN BLAZING HOT WEATHER

HAVE I THOUGHT HOW
WONDERFUL IT'D BE

TO BE OUT THERE DRIVING ONE
STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE?

BUT I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD BACK

AND HAD BEEN
ADVISED TO GIVE IT UP.

ONLY FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

OH, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'D DO WITH MYSELF

IF I DIDN'T COME IN HERE.

THIS IS... WELL,
IT'S MY WHOLE LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU GET A CUSTOMER,

AND YOU MAKE THEM BUY SOMETHING,

I FEEL LIKE A HUNTER
STALKING ITS PREY.

WILL THEY BUY THAT
HAT OR WON'T THEY?

AND THEN, THEY DECIDE.

AND, "BANG," YOU'VE GOT THEM.

WHAT ABOUT GETTING YOUR
FEET UP IN THE GARDEN?

IN THIS WEATHER? IT'S
BEEN POURING FOR A WEEK.

WELL, YOU COULD
TAKE AN UMBRELLA.

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
NEEDS THE UMBRELLA.

THE RAIN'S GOT IN YOUR EAR AND
MADE YOUR BRAIN SOGGY, YOU DAFT BOY.

HERE, I JUST HEARD THE
NEWS ON THE GRAPEVINE.

- WHAT NEWS?
- YOU'VE JUST BEEN
MADE REDUNDANT.

I THINK IT'S A SHAME.

ANYWAY, IN CASE YOU
GO TODAY, GOOD LUCK.

ME? OH, NOT ME.

SAY IT'S NOT ME.

IT'S ME.

I... I HARDLY KNOW HOW
TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM.

I'M NOT GOING WITHOUT A FIGHT.

HAS THE NEWS GOT OUT YET?

IT'S ALL ROUND THE STORE.

THEY'LL NEVER GET ANYONE WITH
MY EXPERIENCE IN UNDERWEAR.

HERE, WAIT A MINUTE.

COME TO THINK OF
IT, WHEN I JOINED,

I DIDN'T PUT MY RIGHT AGE
ON THE APPLICATION FORM.

I MEAN, I LOOKED SO YOUNG

THEY'D NEVER HAVE BELIEVED IT.

SO I ADDED A FEW YEARS.

WELL, IT'S WORTH A TRY.

EVEN NOW, I MAKE
UP TO LOOK OLDER.

I THOUGHT YOU DID.

I MEAN, ME AND JOAN COLLINS

ARE JUST THAT MUCH APART.

A MISS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE.

IF I USED LESS MAKEUP

AND DID MY HAIR IN
A DIFFERENT STYLE,

I COULD KNOCK YEARS OFF.

WELL, A COUPLE OF HOURS ANYWAY.

SHUT UP, YOU.

WELL, THEY WANT SOMEBODY YOUNGER

AND THEY'RE GOING TO
GET SOMEBODY YOUNGER.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- THE PETER PAN BEAUTY PARLOR.

THEY CAN TAKE YEARS
OFF YOU THERE FOR 25 QUID.

HERE, CAN THEY REALLY TAKE
YEARS OFF YOU FOR 25 QUID?

NO, I THINK THAT'S JUST
THE DOWN PAYMENT.

THEN THEY CHARGE YOU FOR
EVERY YEAR THEY REMOVE.

BLIMEY, SHE'LL HAVE TO
MORTGAGE THE HOUSE.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WOMAN.

I CANNOT THINK WHAT'S
HAPPENED TO MRS. SLOCOMBE.

IT'S AFTER 2:00. WHAT
COULD SHE BE DOING?

SHE PROBABLY HAD
TO GET A BANK LOAN.

NO, SHE PHONED UP
TO SAY SHE'D BE LATE.

SHE'S HAVING THE FULL TREATMENT.

SHE'S DETERMINED
TO KEEP HER JOB.

DOOMED TO FAILURE.

RUMBOLD IS ALREADY INTERVIEWING
LADIES FROM OTHER DEPARTMENTS.

COULD YOU SAY
I'D BE RIGHT FOR IT?

I'M AFRAID YOU REALLY
DO LOOK TOO YOUNG.

WELL, I COULD WEAR MY HAIR UP.

( giggles ) AND YOU'VE
GOT ENOUGH PULL.

YOU COULD SAY
I'D BE RIGHT FOR IT.

WELL, I COULD.

AND YOU AND ME

HAVE ALWAYS GOT
ON WELL TOGETHER.

NOT AS WELL AS WE MIGHT.

IF YOU DID SAY I
WAS RIGHT FOR IT,

I PROMISE I'D TRY EVER SO HARD.

MISS BRAHMS, PUT THAT AWAY.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I THINK I'VE FOUND

A SUITABLE APPLICANT
FOR THE POST.

IT'S MISS FEATHERSTONE
OF TOILETRIES.

THAT VINEGARY LITTLE SPINSTER?

SHE'S THE RIGHT AGE,
AND KEEN TO GET ON.

WELL...

I THINK MISS BRAHMS
SHOULD BE GIVEN A CHANCE.

SHE'S BEEN SHOWING
A LOT OF PROMISE.

IN FACT SHE'S SHOWING A
LOT MORE THAN I EXPECTED.

NO, NO, TOO YOUNG.

- WHERE'S MRS. SLOCOMBE?
- UP IN ACCOUNTS.

BLIMEY, SHE HAS HAD
THE FULL TREATMENT.

IT'S THE DOLLY PARTON LOOK.

THEY CALL IT THE "9 TO 5."

YOU'VE JUST FAILED
TO BEAT THE CLOCK.

OH, MR. RUMBOLD,

JUST THE MAN I WANTED TO SEE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I JOINED...

I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE...

BUT I PUT MY WRONG AGE
ON THE APPLICATION FORM.

AND SO I'VE JUST BEEN UP
TO PERSONNEL TO CORRECT IT.

HOW INCORRECT WAS IT?

( laughs ) IT WAS YEARS OUT.

DO YOU MEAN THAT THE RISES
GIVEN TO YOU OVER THE YEARS,

BASED ON YOUR AGE, SHOULD
NOT HAVE BEEN PAID TO YOU?

OH, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

WELL THEN I'LL
PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR IT.

I'M SORRY TO LOSE
A VALUED ASSISTANT,

BUT THERE WILL BE A SUBSTANTIAL
REDUNDANCY PAYMENT.

I'M NOT LEAVING GRACE BROTHERS!

WHATEVER JOB I
DO, I'M STAYING HERE!

IT WON'T BE AT THAT COUNTER.

BUT AS A GESTURE, YOU CAN
STAY TILL THE END OF THE WEEK.

AND MAY I MAKE A
GESTURE AS WELL?

OF COURSE.

FANCY HAVING TO COME IN EARLY

JUST TO MEET THIS NEW WOMAN.

IT WON'T BE THE SAME
WITHOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE.

SHE SPENT ALL YESTERDAY
AFTERNOON GOING ROUND

TO THE HEADS OF THE
DEPARTMENT TRYING TO FIND A JOB.

IT'S VERY SAD.

HERE, BLIMEY, YOU'RE EARLY.

HERE YOU ARE, LOVE. THERE'S A
DIRTY PATCH IN FRONT OF THE PODIUM.

Peacock: MRS. SLOCOMBE!

IS THAT ALL RIGHT, BROTHER?

MRS. SLOCOMBE, WHAT
IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

YOU ARE! AND I HOPE
YOU'RE SATISFIED!

YOU COULD HAVE
PUT A WORD IN FOR ME

AND SAVED ME, AND YOU DIDN'T!

AND I'M NOT LEAVING
GRACE BROTHERS!

SURELY YOU COULD'VE FOUND
SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT.

LADY FLOOR CLEANER'S A GOOD JOB.

THERE'S A QUEUE FOR IT.

IT'S ONLY DUE TO THE FACT
THAT I'VE GOT INFLUENCE

I'VE GOT OUR BETTY
TO THE TOP OF THE LIST.

WAIT, YOU MISSED THAT
BIT OF CHEWING GUM.

OH.

OOH, IT WON'T COME OFF.

I'LL HAVE TO BANG
IT INTO THE CRACK.

OH, THIS IS MOST DISTRESSING.

IT IS.

WELL, I'M NOT RETIRING.

THERE'S A LOT OF
STEAM LEFT IN ME YET.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE FOUND A GENTLER
JOB FOR A WOMAN OF MRS. SLOCOMBE'S AGE?

SHE'S LUCKY WE'VE GONE
OVER TO GAS-FIRED BOILERS,

OTHERWISE SHE'D BE INSIDE
ONE, KNOCKING OFF THE CLINKER.

OH, PLEASE, CAN'T YOU
GIVE HER HER OLD JOB BACK?

YOU KNOW, SCRUBBING
THE FRONT STEPS

ISN'T SO BAD ONCE YOU
GET USED TO THE KNEE-PADS.

I MADE THESE OUT OF
A COUPLE OF OLD BRAS.

HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

WELL, LET ME SPEAK TO PERSONNEL

AND TRY AND FIND YOU A DESK JOB.

- I'LL MANAGE.
- ( elevator bell rings )

AH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS FEATHERSTONE.

GOOD MORNING.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO THE MEMBERS OF YOUR FLOOR.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK I
THINK YOU'VE MET...

WHAT A PLEASURE.

MISS BRAHMS, WHO WILL
BE DIRECTLY UNDER YOU...

HELLO.

MR. SPOONER, A NEWISH JUNIOR;

AND OUR MR. HUMPHRIES,

WHO'S HEAD OF THE MEN'S COUNTER.

WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY MET, BUT I
DO KNOW OF HIM BY REPUTATION.

YES, IT DOES TEND TO
TRAVEL IN FRONT OF ME.

I'M SURE MISS BRAHMS WILL
GIVE YOU EVERY ASSISTANCE.

MR. HARMAN, COULD
YOU GET YOURSELF

AND YOUR CLEANER OFF THE FLOOR?

HURRY UP, BETTY, WE'VE
GOT THE KHARZIS TO DO YET.

WHERE DO I PUT MY COAT?

IN THE FITTING ROOM... AFTER
YOU'VE SIGNED THE BOOK.

YES, WELL, I'M SURE YOU'RE
ALL GOING TO GET ALONG.

SO I'LL GET BACK TO MY OFFICE.

MISS BRAHMS, TAKE MY COAT.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE
TALKED TO LIKE THAT.

I SHALL COUNT TO THREE
AND THEN I SHALL RELEASE IT.

IF YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN IT BY THEN

I SHALL MAKE LIFE
VERY DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

NO.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

ANY MORE RUBBISH, LOVE,
JUST CHUCK IT IN THE BUCKET.

THAT'S MY BEST
JACKET. COME BACK!

I'M COMING AFTER YOU,
SCRUBBING WOMAN!

I CAN SEE IT'S GOING TO
BE ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I'VE GOT THE STAFF
LIKE YOU ASKED FOR.

Rumbold: OH, RIGHT.
COME IN, EVERYBODY.

- YOU SENT FOR US, SIR.?
- YES.

I UNDERSTAND FROM
MISS FEATHERSTONE

THAT MISS BRAHMS HAS BEEN
RUDE THREE TIMES THIS MORNING

AND WE'VE ONLY BEEN OPEN
HALF AN HOUR. THIS CAN'T GO ON.

I WASN'T RUDE!

I UNDERSTAND FROM MISS FEATHERSTONE
THAT MISS BRAHMS USED THE PHRASE,

"SHE GETS UP MY NOSE."

WELL, SHE DOES.

- DID YOU HEAR THIS,
PEACOCK?
- NO, SIR.

SHE ALSO COMPLAINS THAT SHE WAS
HIT IN THE POSTERIOR BY A PAPERCLIP...

PROBABLY FIRED
BY AN ELASTIC BAND.

MY MIND IMMEDIATELY
WENT TO MR. SPOONER.

DON'T WORRY, SIR. NO
ONE'S FIRED ANYTHING AT ME.

I MEAN I SUSPECT
YOU OF DOING IT.

OH NO, SIR, HE DIDN'T DO IT.

AND AS YOU KNOW,
I NEVER TELL A LIE.

- WAS IT YOU?
- NO, SIR.

ARE YOU INDIRECTLY
ACCUSING CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. AS IF A
FLOORWALKER WOULD DO SUCH A THING.

I WON'T HAVE ANY
TROUBLE OUT THERE.

LISTEN, SHE'S THE TROUBLE.

SHE'S GOT A BAD
TEMPER AND IT SHOWS.

I MUST SAY SHE DOES
NOT HAVE MRS. SLOCOMBE'S

FINESSE WITH THE CUSTOMERS.

CAN WE FORGET
ABOUT MRS. SLOCOMBE?

SHE'S NO LONGER
WITH THE DEPARTMENT.

- ( knocks )
- Rumbold: ENTER.

MRS. SLOCOMBE, GO AWAY.
YOU'RE DRIVING ME MAD.

SORRY, MATE, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE OPENED THE WINDOW.

WILL THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?

YES, GET OUT.

I'VE FINISHED THE FOURTH
FLOOR. LOWER AWAY, FRED!

BYE BYE.

Miss Featherstone: MADAM,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S SO DIFFICULT.
DO YOU LIKE IT?

OF COURSE I DO. I WOULDN'T
HAVE SUGGESTED IT IF I DIDN'T.

BUT YOU SAID YOU LIKED
ALL THE OTHERS AS WELL.

MADAM, I DON'T SELL
HATS I DON'T LIKE.

BUT SURELY, YOU MUST THINK

ONE OF THEM SUITS ME
BETTER THAN THE REST.

I THINK THIS ONE STREAKS
AHEAD OF THE OTHERS.

OH, YES, PERFECT. FAR THE BEST.

I'M SO MAD ABOUT THAT HAT,

I CAN'T IMAGINE YOU
IN ANY OTHER HAT.

I'M SO GLAD,

BECAUSE THIS IS THE
ONE I CAME IN WITH.

GOOD DAY!

OH, AGGRAVATING WOMAN!

MISS BRAHMS, PICK UP
THOSE HATS AT ONCE.

MISS BRAHMS, GO TO
THE CENTER PODIUM

AND ADJUST THE BLOUSE WILL
YOU? IT'S VERY BADLY DISPLAYED.

AFTER YOU HAVE
PICKED UP THE HATS.

BEFORE YOU PICK UP THE HATS.

Miss Featherstone: HATS!

BLOUSE!

- HATS!
- BLOUSE!

- HATS!
- MAY I REMIND YOU,
MISS FEATHERSTONE,

THAT I HAVE THE LAST
SAY ON THIS FLOOR.

I THINK YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
THAT I AM VERY FRIENDLY

WITH A VERY SENIOR
MEMBER OF STAFF

WHO WOULD BE VERY
INTERESTED TO KNOW

HOW I'VE BEEN GETTING ON
ON MY FIRST DAY UP HERE.

I'M SURE YOU'LL TELL HIM
YOU'RE DOING YOUR VERY BEST.

- THE BLOUSE, MISS BRAHMS.
- YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.

( rubber band snaps )

IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

WHO PINGED MISS
FEATHERSTONE'S POSTERIOR?

- OWN UP AT ONCE. SPOONER?
- NO SIR.

- HUMPHRIES?
- INNOCENT.

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T

STATIC IN YOUR SUSPENDER BELT?

- I DON'T WEAR ONE.
- OH!

I SAY, IT WASN'T YOU, WAS IT?

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- I'M SORRY.

MY NERVES ARE A LITTLE FRAYED.

MY FIRST DAY UP HERE, I SUPPOSE.

FANCY ACCUSING A
SENIOR FLOORWALKER.

( chuckles ) RIDICULOUS.

BY THE WAY, GOOD SHOT.

I THOUGHT SO, TOO.

WHOEVER DID IT.

LET'S ALL SIT TOGETHER AND THEN
IGNORE HER WHEN SHE ARRIVES.

SHE WON'T BE ARRIVING.

SHE'S BEEN INVITED INTO
THE EXECUTIVE DINING ROOM

BY THE HEAD OF ACCOUNTS.

SO THAT'S HER
FRIEND IN HIGH PLACES.

I BET HE PUT HER UP FOR THE JOB.

OR LEANT ON OLD
JUG-EARS TO GIVE IT UP.

YES, I SUSPECT A BIT
OF POWER POLITICS.

RUMBOLD IS UP FOR A RISE

AND AS YOU KNOW THE HEAD
OF ACCOUNTS HAS THE FINAL SAY.

DO YOU KNOW, SHE'S
GOT SUCH A BAD TEMPER.

AND SHE GETS ALL WORKED UP

AND ALL THE VEINS
STAND UP IN HER NECK

LIKE BLUE SPAGHETTI.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SHE
GOT A VERY DIFFICULT CUSTOMER

AND REALLY LOST HER TEMPER?

OH, THAT WOULD BE UNFORGIVABLE.

THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

ANY BREACH OF THAT RULE,
IT COULD LEAD TO DISMISSAL.

YES.

CAPTAIN PEACOCK, DO
YOU THINK I COULD HAVE

A COUPLE OF HOURS
OFF THIS AFTERNOON?

SAY, FOR A DENTAL APPOINTMENT?

I THINK I COULD WRITE A
CHIT TO THAT EFFECT, YES.

BUT YOUR TEETH IS
BETTER THAN MOST GIRLS.

ALL THE BETTER FOR
WHAT I HAVE IN MIND.

IS EVERYTHING SETTLING DOWN NOW?

OH YES, SIR.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE EXECUTIVE
RESTAURANT IS FULL TODAY.

SO I'LL SIT WITH YOU,
IF YOU DON'T MIND.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD ALL INDIVIDUAL
CHAIRS IN THERE WITH YOUR NAMES ON.

YES, YES, THAT IS SO, BUT
A MEMBER OF ACCOUNTS

IS ENTERTAINING MISS
FEATHERSTONE IN MY CHAIR TODAY.

YES, AND THE HEAD OF ACCOUNTS IS THE
ONE THAT SANCTIONS RISES FOR MANAGERS.

POSSIBLY. BUT THE AGE LIMIT

WAS THE REASON MRS.
SLOCOMBE HAD TO LEAVE.

CAN I HAVE A MENU PLEASE?

- AH!
- THE MENU!

( mimics Italian accent
) ISA NO STEAK,

I CAN'T RECOMMEND THE RHUBARB,

AND THE TOAD HAS
JUMPED OUT OF THE HOLE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

ARRIVE'DERCI!

I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP HOPE.

NOW, DON'T WORRY.
SIT YOURSELF DOWN

AND WE'LL TELL YOU THE
PLAN FOR THIS AFTERNOON.

NOW THEN...

GOOD AFTERNOON,
MADAM. MAY I HELP YOU?

YOU CERTAINLY CAN,
YOU HANDSOME MAN.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
LOOKING FOR A NEW FUR COAT.

THE POCKETS HAVE
FALLEN IN MY OLD ONE.

AND SOME ACCESSORIES.
PERHAPS YOU'D BE GOOD ENOUGH

TO SHOW ME TO THE
LADIES' DEPARTMENT.

I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS WAY BEFORE.

YES, OUR LADIES' DEPARTMENT
IS OVER HERE, MADAM.

IF YOU'D PLEASE WALK THIS WAY.

- IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY
IN THESE HEELS.
- SHUT UP!

MISS FEATHERSTONE IS
OUR SENIOR SALESLADY.

- SHE WILL LOOK
AFTER YOU, MADAM.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.

- ISN'T THIS A LOVELY DAY?
- YES, INDEED.

I WAS WALKING IN THE
PARK WITH MY HUSBAND.

- HE'S AN M.P.,
YOU KNOW.
- OH.

HE HAS TO SIT ALL AFTERNOON

SO THE WALK DOES HIM GOOD.

AND I MENTIONED THAT I
DIDN'T HAVE A NEW FUR COAT.

HE SAID, "BLANCHE," HE SAID,

"BLANCHE, GO AND GET
WHATEVER TICKLES YOUR FANCY."

SO HERE I AM.

WE DO HAVE SOME VERY NICE ONES.

OH, YES, THIS IS VERY NICE.

WHAT IS IT?

I MEAN, WHAT ANIMAL OCCUPIED IT

BEFORE SOME BRAVE
HUNTER SHOT IT?

WELL, DON'T TELL
ME YOU DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST LOOKING AT THE LABEL.

OH, IT'S RANCH MINK.

IS IT? ( chuckles )

IT'S £2,750 AND 25p.

IT'S A SNIP.

WOULD MADAM LIKE TO TRY IT ON?

THANK YOU. OH, WHAT LOVELY HATS!

OH, NOW I DO LIKE THESE.

- TAKE THE COAT,
MISS BRAHMS.
- YES, MADAM.

- OH, YES.
- OH, THAT HAT DOES
SUIT MADAM'S FACE.

YES, WELL I SHOULD HOPE SO.

IT'S THE ONLY ONE I'VE GOT.

- HOW MUCH IS IT?
- I'LL JUST LOOK AT THE TAG.

IF MADAM COULD HOLD HER
HEAD STILL FOR A MINUTE?

OH, NOW I DO LIKE THESE GLOVES.

HERE, WE'VE GOT A HANDBAG
WHAT GOES WITH THEM.

A HANDBAG?!

MISS BRAHMS, THE GLOVE DRAWER.

AND DON'T SPEAK
UNLESS YOU'RE SPOKEN TO.

YES, MADAM. NO, MADAM.
COMING UP, MADAM.

OH, WHAT LOVELY
SOFT THINGS THESE ARE.

THEY FEEL SO NICE AGAINST
THESE HANDS THAT NEVER DO DISHES.

- OH, YES.
- OH, YES,
THAT IS VERY BECOMING.

IT'S VERY MRS. THATCHER
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T THINK MY
HUSBAND WOULD LIKE THIS.

HE'S IN THE MIDDLE YOU KNOW.

I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE.

A LOT OF THEM ARE.

WOULD MADAM LIKE TO
TRY THE COAT OR NOT?

I'LL WALK IT. THANK YOU.

OH, YES, IT MOVES WELL.

OH, BUT IT REALLY DOESN'T
GO WITH THIS, DOES IT?

- YOU'RE NOT
TAKING THE SCARF.
- I SHALL TAKE WHAT I LIKE.

YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

NO, NO, YOU SEE,
IT'S A DAY COAT.

THOSE ARE NIGHT GLOVES

AND THIS IS SORT OF TEATIME.

HAD THEY ALL GONE TOGETHER,
I MIGHT'VE TAKEN THE COAT.

OH, TAKE IT OFF,
YOU STUPID WOMAN!

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME
LIKE THAT, YOU SILLY OLD BAT?

YOU'RE THE SILLY OLD BAT. YOU
MARRIED WOMEN ARE ALL THE SAME!

ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS
WINDOW-SHOP. YOU DON'T WANT TO BUY.

- ANYWAY, YOU'VE GOT NO TASTE!
- I HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN
TO LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!

- IS MADAM HAVING TROUBLE?
- I MOST CERTAINLY AM.

- JUST FEEL MY HAND. IT'S TREMBLING.
- OHH.

THIS WOMAN HAS BEEN MOST
AGGRAVATING. HASN'T SHE, MISS BRAHMS?

I THOUGHT MADAM

WAS THE NICEST MOST
CHARMINGEST CUSTOMER

WHAT'S EVER BEEN IN HERE.

I MEAN, MOST OF THEM
IS DEAD AWKWARD.

BUT MADAM IS WHAT WE
CALL AN EASY CUSTOMER.

EASY? THIS IS ONE OF
THE MOST DIFFICULT,

IMPOSSIBLE WOMEN I'VE EVER MET!

OH, IF MY MOTHER
COULD HEAR THAT.

FROM THE MOMENT SHE WALKED IN
HERE I KNEW THAT SHE HAD NO CLASS.

I SHALL NEVER BRING MY HANDMADE
SHOES INTO THIS PLACE AGAIN...

AND NEITHER WILL
ANY OF MY FRIENDS.

AND NEITHER SHALL I. I'M
GOING BACK TO TOILETRIES.

WHILE YOU'RE THERE,
POWDER YOUR NOSE. IT'S SHINY!

OH! I HOPE THAT I NEVER EVER
MEET A WOMAN LIKE YOU AGAIN.

IT'S VERY UNLIKELY.

I'VE HAD IT HERE!

I'M SORRY MADAM HAS BEEN UPSET.

- ( laughing )
- I SHALL GET OVER IT.

SHHH! IT'S RUMBOLD.

- ( clears throat )
- IS MADAM HAVING A PROBLEM?

OH, NOTHING THAT
YOU COULD DEAL WITH.

AND I SHALL NEVER EVER SET FOOT
IN THIS DEPARTMENT STORE, EVER.

YOU WILL NEVER
SEE MY FACE AGAIN.

GOODBYE.

GOOD HEAVENS. WHAT
ON EARTH'S GOING ON?

MISS FEATHERSTONE
UPSET MISTER... THAT LADY.

YEAH, WIFE OF AN M.P.

OH NO. WELL, WHERE IS
MISS FEATHERSTONE NOW?

SHE APPEARS TO
PREFER TOILETRIES.

WELL, I CAN'T SAY I'M
ALTOGETHER SORRY,

BUT I'VE GOT EVEN WORSE NEWS.

- REGARDING WHAT?
- REGARDING YOU.

THEY'VE DECIDED TO INCLUDE
UPPER SENIOR STAFF IN THE AGE LIMIT.

WHICH MEANS THAT YOU COULD GO
THE SAME WAY AS MRS. SLOCOMBE.

- THAT'S MONSTROUS!
- YES, I AGREE.

AND WHO'S TO SAY THAT
UPPER SENIOR MANAGEMENT

WON'T BE NEXT, AND
THEN I'D HAVE TO GO?

- WHAT CAN WE DO?
- STOP THE ROT WHERE IT STARTED.

WE'LL GET MRS.
SLOCOMBE REINSTATED.

I'LL SAY THAT SHE'S INDISPENSABLE,
AND YOU WILL BACK ME UP.

TO THE HILT. HIGHER
IF NECESSARY.

OH, THANK YOU.

♪ GOOD MORNING, MRS. SLOCOMBE ♪

♪ WE'RE SORRY YOU GOT THE SACK ♪

♪ BUT THANKS TO
MR. HUMPHRIES HERE ♪

♪ WE'VE GONE AND
GOT YOU BACK. ♪♪

♪ AND IT'S SO NICE TO BE
BACK HERE WHERE I BELONG. ♪

RED ROSES FOR A BLUE LADY.

AND A PLASTIC
GERANIUM FROM PACKING.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A DISGUISED
AEROSOL FOR YOUR KITCHEN.

BUT SUCH IS THE
EXQUISITE WORKMANSHIP

YOU CANNOT TELL UNLESS YOU
GOT WITHIN THREE FEET OF IT.

OH, I'M OVERWHELMED.

FANCY GETTING RID
OF HER SO QUICK.

YEAH, IT WAS MR. HUMPHRIES
AND CAPTAIN PEACOCK WHO DONE IT.

YEAH, WHERE IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK?

GENTS' READYMADES,
LADIES' DEPARTMENT.

GOING UP. MIND
THE DOORS, PLEASE.

JUST GIVE A QUICK WIPE
WITH THE MOP, STEPHEN.

OH, BANG IT INTO THE
CRACK WITH YOUR HANDLE

AND THEN GET OFF THE FLOOR!

( cash register rings )

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING UP... ♪

♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪

♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪

♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪

♪ GOING DOWN... ♪

♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪

♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪

♪ GOING UP. ♪