Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 10, Episode 2 - Grounds for Divorce - full transcript
There's trouble in the Peacock home. Captain Peacock has changed over the years and has fallen for another women, who's equally infatuated with him. He wants a divorce but his wife won't ...
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN. ♪
MORNING, ALL.
MR. HARMAN, AS CAPTAIN
PEACOCK ISN'T HERE,
I FEEL IT'S UP TO ME TO TELL YOU
THAT I DON'T WANT YOU ON THE
FLOOR AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING.
MY WIFE'LL BE PLEASED TO HEAR
THAT. SHE'S A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.
( singing )
WHO TOLD YOU HE
WAS SHORT-SIGHTED?
ORDERS FROM ABOVE.
TO ANNOUNCE THE SALE
OF THE COSTUME
ALL-PURPOSE SPECTACLES,
THEY'RE TO GO ON DISPLAY
AT ALL POSSIBLE LOCATIONS
AND YOU ARE ON COMMISSION.
OH. HANG ON A MINUTE.
HERE, TRY THOSE ON.
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- OH, YES. PEOPLE WILL
RESPECT YOU WEARING THOSE.
- THEY MAKE YOU
LOOK IMPORTANT.
- I'LL HAVE THEM.
MR. HARMAN, GET OFF THE FLOOR.
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
YOU CAN HAVE 'EM.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO
GATHER CENTER FLOOR FOR A CHAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE WAS
DISCUSSING WHY YOU WERE LATE.
YES, WE WAS WORRIED
ABOUT YOU, WASN'T WE?
WE WERE ABOUT TO PHONE
THE HOSPITALS AND THE POLICE.
AND BATTERSEA DOGS HOME.
IT IS JUST EIGHT
MINUTES PAST 9:00,
HARDLY CAUSE FOR PANIC.
THAT SPECTACLE DISPLAY SHOULD
HAVE BEEN READY FIRST THING.
I'M SORRY, COLONEL. WOULD YOU BE
LOOKING FOR A NEW PAIR YOURSELF,
OR WILL YOU BE STICKING TO YOUR
NORMAL NEVILLE CHAMBERLAINS?
WE SHALL BE LOOKING FOR A NEW MEMBER
OF PACKING IF YOU DON'T LEAVE THE FLOOR.
JUST GOING, MY LORD.
( phone ringing )
( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.
OH, MRS. PEACOCK.
YES. YES, HE'S HERE. IT'S
FOR YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YES?
I HAVE UNTIL 5:00 TO DECIDE.
WE AGREED THAT.
YES, WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK
IN FRONT OF MY STAFF.
DON'T ALL STAND THERE GAPING.
GET BACK TO YOUR COUNTERS.
THE OTHER SIDE.
HELLO...
I CAN'T TALK NOW. I
HAVE TO GO. GOODBYE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, NORMALLY,
I WOULD ACQUIESCE WITH YOUR
COMMAND TO RETURN TO MY COUNTER,
BUT IF YOU'RE IN ANY TROUBLE,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU.
I'M NOT IN ANY SORT OF TROUBLE.
IF YOU'RE NOT, WHY'S THAT
MUSCLE IN YOUR NECK TWITCHING?
I REPEAT: I HAVE NO
PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
RUMBOLD'S ON THE WARPATH.
- PEACOCK.
- YES, MR. RUMBOLD?
IT'S WELL AFTER OPENING TIME
AND I FIND YOU WEARING
YOUR HAT AND COAT.
I CAN ONLY CONCLUDE THAT YOU'RE
LATE AND SETTING A VERY BAD EXAMPLE.
IF I MAY SPEAK, MR. RUMBOLD,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK ISN'T LATE.
HE WAS MODELING THIS HAT
AND COAT FOR A CUSTOMER.
BUT IT'S HIS HAT AND COAT.
YES, HE WAS SHOWING THE
CUSTOMER HOW WELL THEY WEAR.
WELL, WHERE IS THE CUSTOMER?
THEY'VE GONE AWAY
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
BUT YOU HAVE BEEN LATE
THREE TIMES THIS WEEK
AND A FOURTH TIME WOULD
HAVE MEANT A SEVERE REPRIMAND.
OH, WHAT POPPYCOCK.
WE'RE NOT STILL AT
SCHOOL, YOU KNOW.
REALLY. I WON'T BE
SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER
IN FRONT OF THE STAFF.
NEITHER WILL I.
AND IF YOU CONTINUE
TO GET UP MY NOSE,
I SHALL BE FORCED TO
MENTION THE NUMBER OF DAYS
YOU LEAVE EARLY BY
THE BACK ENTRANCE.
PEACOCK, YOU'RE PUSHING
MY PATIENCE TO ITS LIMITS.
REALLY?
I MAY SEEM A
GOOD-NATURED PERSON,
BUT I MUST WARN YOU, I'M
CAPABLE OF BLOWING MY TOP.
JUDGING BY APPEARANCES,
YOU'VE ALREADY BLOWN IT.
I REALLY DON'T THINK
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
SHOULD ENGAGE IN THIS KIND OF
EXCHANGE IN FRONT OF COUNTER STAFF.
OH, DON'T MIND US.
WE'RE ENJOYING IT.
I SHALL EXPECT AN
APOLOGY BEFORE I LEAVE.
WILL THAT BE AT 5:00 P.M., OR ARE
YOU SLIPPING OUT EARLY AGAIN?
THAT WILL BE ALL. GET
BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
THAT TOLD HIM.
DO YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
PROUD TO BE ON YOUR FLOOR.
I MAY NOT BE ON THIS
FLOOR MUCH LONGER.
I'M THINKING OF MAKING A CHANGE.
DON'T SAY THAT. IT WOULDN'T
BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.
( phone rings )
( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.
ACCOUNTS? YES.
MISS... MISS BAGNOLD?
JUST A MOMENT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THIS IS... THIS IS RATHER
A PRIVATE MATTER.
- IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND?
- COME ALONG EVERYONE. AWAY FROM THE PHONE.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO PHONE ME.
YES, YES, SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
WELL, ALMOST EVERYTHING.
NO, NO, I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY
MIND ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
NOW LISTEN, I THINK IT
WAS MOST UNWISE OF YOU
TO GET A POSITION
WITH THIS FIRM.
( stutters )
WE COULD BE NEAR
EACH OTHER AFTER HOURS.
NO. NO I AM NOT
LEAVING THE FLOOR.
NO, EDNA, YOU MUST
NOT COME DOWN HERE.
NOW LISTEN, I'M PUTTING
THE PHONE DOWN NOW.
PLEASE DO NOT RING ME AGAIN.
- I HOPE NONE OF YOU
HEARD THAT.
- All: PARDON?
I SAID, "I HOPE NONE
OF YOU HEARD THAT."
- OF COURSE NOT.
- WHICH MISS BAGNOLD WAS THAT?
I EXPECT THE NEW ONE IN
ACCOUNTS WITH THE BIG KNOCKERS.
I HOPE THIS TITTLE-TATTLE
DOESN'T GO ANY FURTHER.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
YOU CAN TRUST US.
WELL, I HAVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM,
BUT I'M SURE I CAN... I
CAN SETTLE IT ALL RIGHT.
I WOULD BE OBLIGED IF
YOU DIDN'T MENTION IT AGAIN.
- IT'S RATHER DELICATE.
- MUM'S THE WORD.
- I HOPE NOT.
- ( phone rings )
YES, WHO IS IT THIS
TIME? OH, MRS. PEACOCK.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO DISTURB HIM. NO.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT?
ARE YOU ON OR OFF FOR TONIGHT?
TELL HER I HAVEN'T
MADE UP MY MIND.
HELLO. WHATEVER IT IS,
HE HASN'T MADE UP HIS MIND.
YOU'LL BE HERE AT 5:00 ANYWAY.
SHE'S HUNG UP.
I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT ON THE
BEST OF TERMS WITH MRS. PEACOCK.
THAT IS CORRECT.
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,
LET US CONTINUE WITH
OUR BUSINESS AS NORMAL.
OH, POOR CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I THOUGHT HE WAS UNDER A STRAIN.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN A
MAN'S GOT SOMETHING WORRYING HIM.
- HOW?
- HE LOOKS FURTIVE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK'S UP?
IT'S CLEAR THAT HE'S
GOT A PROBLEM AT HOME.
AND NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
OH. WHAT ABOUT THIS MISS
BAGNOLD FROM THE ACCOUNTS?
SHE ONLY JOINED THIS WEEK.
YES, WELL, OBVIOUSLY
HE HAS KNOWN HER BEFORE.
OH.
DO YOU MEAN KNOWN
IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE?
OR JUST SOCIALLY?
WELL, NOWADAYS
IT'S THE SAME THING.
BUT OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S
PREYING ON HIS MIND.
I WONDER WHO HE'S
THINKING ABOUT NOW?
HIS WIFE OR MISS BAGNOLD?
I SINCERELY HOPE IT'S HIS WIFE.
BUT WHEN PEOPLE GET TO...
MIDDLE AGE, YOU KNOW,
THEY GET DESPERATE.
THEY FEEL THEIR YOUTH ESCAPING.
THE CHILL WIND OF AUTUMN
HAS STARTED TO BLOW.
WELL, I KNOW THAT'S HOW I FELT.
AND DID YOU KICK OVER THE TRACES
WHEN YOU FELT THE
CHILL WIND OF AUTUMN?
NO. I BOUGHT SOME
THICK KNICKERS.
STEPHEN! PSST!
I MUST TALK TO YOU.
- NOT NOW.
- I'M NOT LEAVING
UNTIL YOU DO.
OH!
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
WOULD YOU TAKE THE
FLOOR FOR A MOMENT?
I HAVE TO DISCUSS A MATTER WITH A
MEMBER OF THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
IT'S LIKE "DALLAS."
HE'S ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
IF YOU ASK ME HE'S GOT IT.
THE LIFT'S STUCK BETWEEN FLOORS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MORE LIKE, WHAT'S GOING OFF?
NO, NO. I MEAN,
GENERALLY BETWEEN THEM.
WELL, HE HASN'T CONFIDED IN ME.
OBVIOUSLY HE WAS THINKING OF
LEAVING HOME FOR THIS OTHER WOMAN.
SHE'S ONLY COME TO LIGHT
SINCE SHE JOINED
ACCOUNTS TO BE NEAR HIM.
I EXPECT LIKE MOST
MEN, HE DOESN'T MIND
A BIT OF SHILLY-SHALLY
ON THE SIDE.
AS LONG AS IT'S AWAY FROM HOME.
OR AWAY FROM WORK.
OOH, SOME MEN LIKE IT AT WORK.
YOU DENIED EVERYTHING
WHEN THEY FIRED MR. BENTALL.
WE ALL DENIED EVERYTHING
WHEN THEY FIRED MR. BENTALL.
THE POINT IS THAT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S IN A BIT OF A SPOT
AND I THINK WE
OUGHT TO STICK BY HIM.
YES, BUT IF HE WON'T CONFIDE
IN US, WHAT CAN WE DO?
WE'LL FIND AN OPPORTUNITY
TO HAVE A CHAT WITH HIM
AND ASSESS HIS SITUATION AND TRY
AND ADVISE HIM THE BEST WAY WE CAN.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA. NOW, SEE,
I'LL SIT NEXT TO HIM IN THE
CANTEEN AND DRAW HIM OUT.
YOU LOT PRETEND TO BE
CHATTING AMONGST YOURSELVES.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST A PASSING
CRUSH THIS WOMAN'S GOT ON HIM.
IT'LL ALL BE OVER
BY COFFEE TIME.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE
A BIT LONGER THAN THAT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD IT HELP
TO HAVE A WOMAN'S OPINION?
DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WOMEN.
I'VE HAD WOMEN UP TO HERE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE THAT TALL.
BE QUIET.
NO, I MEAN ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S CLEAR THAT YOU
AND MRS. PEACOCK
AREN'T GETTING ON AS WELL
AS MIGHT BE AT THE MOMENT.
ARE YOU SURPRISED? WE'VE
BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
WELL, YOU'RE BOUND TO
HAVE YOUR UPS AND DOWNS.
MY MARRIAGE HAD ITS
UPS AND DOWNS FOR YEARS.
IN FACT, FOR THE LAST FEW THERE
WERE HARDLY ANY UPS AT ALL.
I'M AFRAID... I'M AFRAID
MINE HAS GOT TO THE POINT
WHERE I'VE EITHER GOT TO GO NOW,
OR STAY FOREVER AND
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
THE TROUBLE IS I CAN'T GO.
- WHY NOT?
- THIS IS JUST BETWEEN US.
I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS.
EXCEPT SPOONER.
I'LL PUT SOME BUNS ON MY EARS.
YOU LOOK LIKE AN
UNDERDONE HAMBURGER.
THE PROBLEM IS MY WIFE
WON'T GIVE ME A DIVORCE.
HAVE YOU ASKED FOR ONE?
WHAT AN IDIOTIC
QUESTION. OF COURSE I HAVE.
IT'S NOT JUST FOR
MYSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I THINK IT WOULD
BE BETTER FOR HER.
I'VE CHANGED OVER THE YEARS.
I'M NOT THE SAME GAY, CAREFREE
FELLOW I WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET.
YOU'RE CERTAINLY
NOT AS CAREFREE.
THEN, I MET MISS
BAGNOLD AT THE GOLF CLUB.
WAS THIS RECENT?
NO, TWO SUMMERS AGO.
AN OLD ARMY CHUM AND
HIS WIFE INTRODUCED US
AND WE HAD A FOURSOME
THAT WAS MOST ENJOYABLE.
HANG ON, I NEED SOME MORE BUNS.
THEN... THEN IT TURNED OUT
THAT MISS BAGNOLD AND I
HAVE THE SAME HANDICAP.
OH, YOU WAS BOTH MARRIED?
GOLF HANDICAP.
SHE WAS SINGLE,
HAD A GOOD JOB IN A
BANK... THE MIDLAND.
AND LIKE A FOOL I OPENED
AN ACCOUNT THERE.
AND I ALWAYS SEEMED TO
FIND MYSELF AT HER WINDOW.
WELL, SHE BECAME INFATUATED
AND I THINK SO DID I.
SOON THE ENTIRE MIDLAND
BANK KNEW ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT IS THE LISTENING BANK.
I FOUND THAT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT HER MORE AND MORE.
AND UNFORTUNATELY,
I TALKED IN MY SLEEP.
AND APPARENTLY, I KEPT
REPEATING MY ACCOUNT NUMBER.
MY WIFE GOT SUSPICIOUS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHE HIT ME WITH
A BEDSIDE LAMP.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
OPENED AN ACCOUNT AT THE NATIONAL
WESTMINSTER AND ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.
OF COURSE. NO WONDER
YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING PEAKY.
THE DIVORCE IS
PLAYING ON YOUR MIND.
NO, NO, NO, AS I SAID,
MY WIFE REFUSES
TO GIVE ME A DIVORCE.
ON THE CONTRARY, SHE WANTS
TO FORGET THE WHOLE EPISODE
AND GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
WOULDN'T IT BE WORTH
GIVING IT ANOTHER TRY?
I THOUGHT SO, UNTIL MISS BAGNOLD
GAVE UP HER FORMER POSITION,
AND JOINED THE ACCOUNTS
DEPARTMENT HERE.
OH, SHE SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
SEE HER, I'M FINE.
BUT THE SIGHT OF
THAT DESPERATE FACE
PLAYS OLD HARRY
WITH MY CONSCIENCE.
I REALIZE WHAT
A SWINE I'VE BEEN.
THE STRAIN MUST BE AWFUL.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANGUISH
OF MAKING TWO WOMEN UNHAPPY.
NO. NO, I NEED A CHANGE.
IF YOU WAS YOUNGER, YOU COULD
GO OFF AND JOIN THE FOREIGN LEGION.
THAT DID CROSS MY MIND.
FORGETTING IT ALL WITH
A TOUGH BUNCH OF MEN.
IT'S CROSSED MY
MIND OCCASIONALLY.
BUT, WELL,
WHEN YOU GET TO
MY AGE, IT'S TOO LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
WHATEVER I DO, I'VE
GOT TO DO IT TODAY.
I PROMISED MY WIFE THAT I'D MAKE
A DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
AND AS SHE'S ARRIVING
HERE AT 5:00 P.M.
I EXPECT THERE'S ONLY
ONE COURSE OPEN TO ME.
I SHOULD TRY THE FIRE EXIT,
'CAUSE HERE'S MISS BAGNOLD.
STEPHEN, I MUST TALK TO YOU.
LEAVE THIS TO ME.
I'LL DEAL WITH HER.
NOT NOW, MISS BAGNOLD, I'M
HAVING MY COFFEE WITH MY STAFF.
I'VE DECIDED THAT IF YOU
WON'T LEAVE YOUR WIFE,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO.
- RETURN TO THE BANK?
- NO.
I SHALL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER.
NO MAN CAN EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE.
WHEREVER YOU GO,
I SHALL BE THERE.
SUCH IS MY LOVE FOR YOU
AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
JUST A MOMENT, MISS BAGNOLD.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
THAT LOVES CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
EH?
HE'S VERY POPULAR
HERE, SO DON'T BE SELFISH.
DOES YOUR HEART TREMBLE
WHEN HE TAKES YOUR HAND?
DOES YOUR DAY SUDDENLY
FILL WITH A RAINBOW
WHEN HE SMILES?
DO YOU WANT TO
HOLD HIM IN YOUR ARMS
AND KISS HIM LIKE THIS?
YOU'VE GOT A SUBMISSION!
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
I ONLY SAID HE WAS VERY POPULAR.
I DON'T KNOW HIM
AS WELL AS THAT.
( clears throat )
WELL, THAT'S IT. I SHALL HAVE
TO OFFER MY RESIGNATION.
- I CAN'T STAY HERE NOW.
- YOU'LL DO NOTHING
OF THE SORT.
IF ANYBODY GOES, IT'S HER.
JUST A MINUTE. I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
HOW ABOUT IF SHE FOUND
YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?
THEN SHE'D GO MAD
AND GO OFF YOU.
YES, YES, IF SHE FOUND OUT
HOW SHALLOW YOU
ARE, SHE'D LEAVE.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO HURT HER.
SHE REALLY IS IN LOVE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT
HOW MUCH EASIER IT
WOULD BE TO BE A WOMAN.
THEY LEAD MUCH MORE
STRAIGHTFORWARD LIVES THAN WE DO.
EVERYTHING'S IN BLACK
AND WHITE FOR THEM.
YOU GOT TO BE
CRUEL TO BE... SORRY.
YOU GOT TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND.
YOU'LL BE DOING HER A FAVOR.
I'VE OFTEN DONE IT
TO GET RID OF BIRDS.
HUH, YOU?
YOU'VE NEVER HAD
A BIRD TO GET RID OF.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE THEM
BANGING ON MY DOOR EVERY NIGHT.
YEAH, TRYING TO GET OUT.
YOU KNOW THERE
MIGHT BE SOMETHING IN IT.
WELL, IT MIGHT WORK, BUT
HOW CAN WE ARRANGE IT?
YOU COULD BE KISSING MRS.
SLOCOMBE IN THE FITTING ROOM,
AND I'LL GET MISS BAGNOLD ON
THE FLOOR ON SOME PRETEXT.
ASK FOR CHANGE FOR THE TILL.
THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD ONE.
WOULD SHE BE JEALOUS
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, IF WE WERE IN A
PASSIONATE EMBRACE.
DON'T YOU THINK SHE MIGHT BE
MORE INCLINED TO BE JEALOUS
IF I WAS IN A PASSIONATE
EMBRACE WITH MISS BRAHMS?
NAH, MISS BRAHMS LOOKS TOO EASY.
OW!
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S GOT THAT SORT
OF UNOBTAINABLE QUALITY ABOUT HER.
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE
ANYONE WOULD BE KISSING HER
UNLESS IT WAS REALLY SERIOUS.
OW!
ACTUALLY, HE MIGHT
BE RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
YES, WELL, WE'LL KEEP
THAT AS A LAST RESORT.
FIRSTLY, I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO SPEAK TO MR. RUMBOLD
AND SEE IF HE CAN GET MISS
BAGNOLD MOVED TO ANOTHER BRANCH.
SHE QUITE CLEARLY... SHE CAN'T
CONTROL HERSELF WORKING HERE.
- CAN I ASK YOU
A PERSONAL QUESTION?
- HMM?
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO
TO GET THEM IN THIS STATE?
THAT'S JUST IT, I
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
NEITHER DO I.
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO
HAVE THE SAME EFFECT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I
CAN'T JUST ASK ACCOUNTS
TO TRANSFER MISS BAGNOLD
WITHOUT A GOOD REASON.
I ASSURE YOU I HAVE
A GOOD REASON.
IT IS NOT ONE I CAN DISCUSS
IN FRONT OF YOUR SECRETARY.
I KNOW THE REASON.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER.
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER.
IT'S ALL OVER THE STORE.
IT'S EVEN WRITTEN ON
THE WALL OF THE LADIES.
IS IT INDEED?
WE MUST HAVE IT OFF
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
YOU'VE SEEN IT, TOO.
DO I GATHER THAT
YOU, A MARRIED MAN,
HAVE BEEN "CASANOVA-ING" AROUND?
NO! I MEAN, UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT MISS BAGNOLD IS MORE
THAN INFATUATED WITH ME
WHICH IS CAUSING ME
GREAT EMBARRASSMENT.
- DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW?
- YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
HAVE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.
AH, SO YOU CAN
MARRY MISS BAGNOLD.
MISS BAGNOLD IS DRIVING ME MAD.
OH, AND YOU SAID
I DROVE YOU MAD.
AH, YOU WANT TO
MARRY MISS BELFRIDGE.
I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT.
THE AGE GAP. IT
WOULD NEVER WORK.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY ANYONE.
- WHY ASK FOR A DIVORCE?
- BECAUSE I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
IT WOULD APPEAR
MORE THAN ENOUGH.
MISS BELFRIDGE, I THINK
YOU'D BETTER LEAVE.
THIS IS CLEARLY A
VERY PERSONAL MATTER.
IT'S A BIT LATE NOW.
SHE'S HEARD EVERYTHING.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP YOU.
YOUR EXECUTIVE
TEA AND BISCUITS, SIR.
AH, I SEE YOU'RE
ENTERTAINING THE RED SHADOW.
MISS BAGNOLD'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
I DO NOT WISH TO DISCUSS MY
PRIVATE LIFE WITH CELLAR PEOPLE.
WELL, YOU'RE THE
TALK OF THE STORE.
THEY'RE CALLING YOU THE
ROBERT REDFORD OF READYMADES.
IN PACKING, THEY'RE
RUNNING A BOOK FIVE TO ONE
THAT YOU RUN OFF
WITH MISS BAGNOLD.
THAT WILL DO, MR. HARMAN.
YOU CAN SEE HOW INTOLERABLE
MY POSITION IS BECOMING.
I WON'T LET YOU DO IT.
I'LL STAND BY YOU, STEPHEN.
I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
20 TO ONE MISS BELFRIDGE...
AN OUTSIDER, BUT A LOT OF FORM.
RIGHT, I PHONED MISS BAGNOLD.
I'VE TOLD HER WE NEED
SOME CHANGE FOR THE TILL.
WHEN SHE COMES DOWN ON THE
FLOOR, SHE'LL ASK WHERE YOU ARE.
I SHALL LOWER MY
EYES SHIFTILY, LIKE THIS.
OOH, YES. THAT'S SHIFTY.
THEN I SHALL BLURT OUT,
"HE'S IN THERE, BUT DON'T GO IN!"
AND THEN, SHE'LL
FIND US IN A CLINCH,
AND SHE'LL GO RIGHT OFF YOU.
I'M SURE SHE WILL.
I'LL MAKE IT AS
REALISTIC AS I CAN.
AND I'LL ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME.
- COME ON, LET'S HAVE
A QUICK PRACTICE.
- VERY WELL.
NOW THEN, DO YOU WANT IT
ON THE FLOOR OR STANDING UP?
I'M NOT A SEX MANIAC.
I JUST SUFFER FROM
THE ODD INFATUATION.
I THINK STANDING UP
WILL BE QUITE SUFFICIENT.
RIGHT, WELL, COME ON.
LET'S HAVE A QUICK ONE.
NO, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SMUDGE YOUR LIPSTICK
UNTIL WE GET THE WORD
FROM MR. HUMPHRIES.
YES, BUT WE MUST REHEARSE WHICH
WAY ROUND WE'RE GOING TO DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WHICH WAY ROUND"?
Mrs. Slocombe: DO YOU
WANT MY LEFT ARM
ROUND YOUR RIGHT
SHOULDER, OR VICE VERSA?
USUALLY, WHEN I KISS
PEOPLE GOODNIGHT,
I'VE GOT MY HANDBAG
OVER MY RIGHT ARM.
SO I HANG MY UMBRELLA ON IT,
AND THEN I PUT MY RIGHT ARM
ROUND THEIR NECKS, LIKE THIS.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU
KISS PEOPLE GOODNIGHT?
WELL, WHEN SOMEONE GIVES
ONE A LIFT HOME FROM THE PUB,
THEY EXPECT A BIT OF A CANOODLE.
THAT SEEMS A
SATISFACTORY POSITION.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS WAIT.
( sniffing )
MMMM, WHAT'S THAT AFTERSHAVE?
IT'S JUST MY USUAL.
MMMM, IT'S LOVELY.
YOU KNOW, LOOKING AT YOU
FROM THIS ANGLE, STEPHEN,
YOU'RE REALLY A
VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.
I CAN QUITE SEE WHAT
THEY ALL SEE IN YOU.
CAN YOU?
AND I SUPPOSE,
LOOKING AT ME SO CLOSE,
YOU CAN SEE WHAT SOME
OF THEM SEE IN ME AS WELL.
YES, EVEN FROM
HERE I CAN SEE IT.
MMMM.
DON'T PUT YOUR FACE THERE!
ALL THE POWDER WILL COME OFF.
- IT'LL MAKE HER
MORE JEALOUS.
- OH!
WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS FOR HIM.
- WHAT IS IT?
- I'VE JUST PHONED
THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.
APPARENTLY MISS BAGNOLD
IS NOT VERY SATISFACTORY
AND THEY'RE GIVING HER
THREE MONTHS NOTICE.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL
SURVIVE THREE MONTHS.
I'VE PUT THE MONEY IN THE TILL.
BY THE WAY, WHERE'S CAPTAIN
PEACOCK? I WANT A WORD WITH HIM.
HE'S NO BUSINESS OF
YOURS, MISS BAGNOLD.
KINDLY GET BACK TO
YOUR OWN DEPARTMENT.
I SHALL BE BACK AT
GOING HOME TIME.
BY THE WAY, WHERE
IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
HE'S IN THERE, BUT DON'T GO IN.
THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT, COME ON!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!
WHERE'S MISS BAGNOLD?!
ISN'T ONE AT A TIME ENOUGH?
UNLESS YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR WAYS,
YOU'RE FINISHED
AT GRACE BROTHERS.
OH!
WELL, REALLY!
WHAT'RE YOU BRINGING
THOSE OVER HERE FOR?
LET'S TRY AND SELL THAT
CUSTOMER SOME OF THESE GLASSES.
OH YES, OUR COMMISSION.
ARE YOU TRYING TO
TELL ME SOMETHING?
I WAS TRYING TO INTEREST
YOU IN THESE GLASSES.
THEY'RE ON SPECIAL OFFER.
REALLY? THEY'RE A
LITTLE BIT ORDINARY.
I PREFER SOMETHING
BIG AND DRAMATIC.
SOMETHING BOLD THAT
MAKES A STATEMENT.
OH, SO DO I.
LIKE THESE.
OH!
OH, NOW THEY DO
MAKE A STATEMENT.
YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR A FIVER.
DONE.
BY THE WAY, GET RID OF HIM.
HE'S VERY BAD FOR YOUR IMAGE.
HE'S...
( deep voice ) HE'S
RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
TAKE THEM OFF, YOU
LOOK RIDICULOUS.
HE HASN'T SAID A
WORD SINCE LUNCH.
YOU CAN SEE HIS
MIND TURNING OVER.
HE KEEPS MUTTERING TO
HIMSELF, "SHALL I OR SHAN'T I?"
I HEARD HIM ON THE PHONE
OUTSIDE THE CANTEEN
TALKING TO HIS WIFE.
IT SEEMS SHE'S TRYING
TO GET HIM TO GO BACK.
ANYWAY, SHE'S COMING IN ABOUT
5:00 TO SEE IF IT'S ON OR OFF.
HE'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP HIS MIND
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER BEFORE THEN.
BUT IF SHE WON'T GIVE
HIM A DIVORCE, THAT'S THAT.
MAY I USE YOUR MIRROR?
- THERE YOU ARE.
- THANK YOU.
CAN I TRY THE ONE WITH THE BOW?
YOU'VE GOT IT ON THE
WRONG WAY ROUND.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT.
- BAG, MISS BRAHMS.
AND I'D LIKE TO LOOK
AT SOME TIGHTS AS WELL.
- SIZE?
- LARGE.
LARGE TIGHTS, MISS BRAHMS.
- COLOR?
- SOMETHING DARK
WITHOUT SEAMS.
- I JUST HAD
A TERRIBLE THOUGHT.
- WHAT?
YOU KNOW YOU SAID THERE
WAS NO WAY CAPTAIN PEACOCK
COULD GET A DIVORCE UNLESS
HE CHANGED COMPLETELY?
- MMM-HMM.
- I THINK HE'S FOUND
A WAY OF DOING IT.
WHAT WAY?!
- Humphries:
IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.
- Spooner: WHAT HAS?
YOU KNOW HE'S HAD ALL THESE
TERRIBLE PROBLEMS WITH WOMEN.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING
A MAN. I SHOULD KNOW.
YOU DON'T THINK HE'S
THINKING OF CHANGING, DO YOU?
HE'S ALREADY TRIED TWO HATS
AND NOW HE'S INTO THE UNDERWEAR.
HE'S COME UNHINGED.
IT'S ALWAYS THE STRONG ONES.
THERE'S ONE THING I CAN
DO BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- TALK HIM OUT OF IT.
I'LL TAKE THE HAT
AND THE UNDERWEAR.
DO YOU HAVE A SMART SKIRT?
- SOMETHING SHORT?
- HOW SHORT?
WELL, ABOUT THERE.
NO, NOT TO THERE.
HERE.
THEY'RE NOT FASHIONABLE
ANYMORE, YOU KNOW.
LADIES FOR COCKTAIL PARTIES
ARE WEARING TROUSERS
AND A SMART WHITE
SHIRT AND A LITTLE TIE.
I THINK A SHORT
SKIRT IS MORE FUN.
AND IT'LL GO WITH THIS BLOUSE.
VERY NICE.
A BIT SEE-THROUGH ISN'T IT?
PERHAPS A BLACK ONE,
LIKE THAT ONE OVER THERE.
HMM. THANK YOU.
HMMM.
ARE LADIES WEARING
COLLARS THIS HIGH?
LADIES ARE, YES, BUT I
DON'T THINK ANYBODY ELSE IS.
PUT THEM BOTH IN
MY BAG, WILL YOU?
AND PUT IT ALL ON
MY STAFF ACCOUNT.
OH, THOSE SUSPENDER
BELTS LOOK RATHER FUN.
YES, I'LL TAKE STOCKINGS
INSTEAD OF TIGHTS.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
THE WHITE FRILLY ONE
OR THE PINK FRILLY ONE?
THE BLACK FRILLY ONE.
THEY'RE RATHER COMMON.
BUT FUN.
DON'T ARGUE WITH A
CUSTOMER, MISS BRAHMS.
- JUST PUT THEM IN A BAG.
- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE. HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU. WOULD YOU LOOK
AFTER THE FLOOR, MR. HUMPHRIES?
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
WONDER WHAT HE
WANTS WITH THAT LOT?
DON'T YOU KNOW? HE'S FOUND THE
ONLY WAY HE CAN GET A DIVORCE.
MARK MY WORDS,
THAT LOT'S ON ITS WAY
FOR A WILD WEEKEND IN
BRIGHTON WITH SOMEONE.
WITH THAT LOT YOU COULD HAVE
A WILD WEEKEND BY YOURSELF.
I DID WONDER, AND THEN I THOUGHT
"NO, NOT CAPTAIN PEACOCK."
WELL, NOT WITH THAT MUSTACHE.
HIS WIFE WON'T WANT HIM IN
THE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THAT.
SHE'LL BE SURE TO
GIVE HIM A DIVORCE.
YEAH, BUT TO GO
TO THOSE LENGTHS.
OH, NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
UNLESS THEY'RE FOR MISS BAGNOLD.
- SHE'S ABOUT THAT SIZE.
- OR MISS BELFRIDGE.
I BET IT'S MISS BAGNOLD.
HE DECIDED TO CHUCK IT ALL
IN AND MAKE HAY WHILE HE CAN.
WELL, ANYWAY, HIS WIFE'S
COMING IN ABOUT 5:00.
IT'S NEARLY THAT NOW. MIND YOU,
THERE'S GOING TO BE FIREWORKS.
OH, WELL, STANDBY FOR BLASTING.
HERE'S MISS BAGNOLD
FOR THE SHOWDOWN.
DO YOU KNOW, IT'S THE
BUSIEST TUESDAY I'VE KNOWN.
WHERE'S STEPHEN?
HE'S IN THE FITTING
ROOM. I'LL GET HIM FOR YOU.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
OH!
NO, NOT YOU!
NOT STEPHEN? SAY IT ISN'T YOU.
I'M AFRAID IT IS, MISS BAGNOLD.
- ( elevator dings )
- I NEVER WANT TO SEE
YOU AGAIN!
- THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
- SO THAT'S WHY YOU DID IT.
NOT ENTIRELY, NO.
OH, IT'S MRS. PEACOCK!
- STEPHEN?
- OH, THERE YOU ARE.
DARLING, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
AND MAY I SAY, YOU
LOOK WONDERFUL?
THANK YOU, MY
DEAR. AND SO DO YOU.
HAVE I MISSED SOMETHING?
I GAVE HIM ONE LAST CHANCE.
WE HAD TICKETS FOR A
FANCY-DRESS BALL IN CHELSEA.
AND IF HE DECIDED TO GO WITH ME,
IT MEANT THAT HE WOULD
STAY WITH ME FOREVER.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY MORE TICKETS?
TWO, ACTUALLY.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER I'VE
BEEN DYING TO TRY FOR AGES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, ARE YOU FREE?
YES, IF YOU'LL HELP ME
WITH MY DICKIE AND STUDS.
THANK GOODNESS WE'RE ALL
BACK TO NORMAL. COME ON.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN. ♪
MORNING, ALL.
MR. HARMAN, AS CAPTAIN
PEACOCK ISN'T HERE,
I FEEL IT'S UP TO ME TO TELL YOU
THAT I DON'T WANT YOU ON THE
FLOOR AT THIS TIME IN THE MORNING.
MY WIFE'LL BE PLEASED TO HEAR
THAT. SHE'S A VERY JEALOUS WOMAN.
( singing )
WHO TOLD YOU HE
WAS SHORT-SIGHTED?
ORDERS FROM ABOVE.
TO ANNOUNCE THE SALE
OF THE COSTUME
ALL-PURPOSE SPECTACLES,
THEY'RE TO GO ON DISPLAY
AT ALL POSSIBLE LOCATIONS
AND YOU ARE ON COMMISSION.
OH. HANG ON A MINUTE.
HERE, TRY THOSE ON.
- HOW DO I LOOK?
- OH, YES. PEOPLE WILL
RESPECT YOU WEARING THOSE.
- THEY MAKE YOU
LOOK IMPORTANT.
- I'LL HAVE THEM.
MR. HARMAN, GET OFF THE FLOOR.
ON SECOND THOUGHTS,
YOU CAN HAVE 'EM.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO
GATHER CENTER FLOOR FOR A CHAT.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE WAS
DISCUSSING WHY YOU WERE LATE.
YES, WE WAS WORRIED
ABOUT YOU, WASN'T WE?
WE WERE ABOUT TO PHONE
THE HOSPITALS AND THE POLICE.
AND BATTERSEA DOGS HOME.
IT IS JUST EIGHT
MINUTES PAST 9:00,
HARDLY CAUSE FOR PANIC.
THAT SPECTACLE DISPLAY SHOULD
HAVE BEEN READY FIRST THING.
I'M SORRY, COLONEL. WOULD YOU BE
LOOKING FOR A NEW PAIR YOURSELF,
OR WILL YOU BE STICKING TO YOUR
NORMAL NEVILLE CHAMBERLAINS?
WE SHALL BE LOOKING FOR A NEW MEMBER
OF PACKING IF YOU DON'T LEAVE THE FLOOR.
JUST GOING, MY LORD.
( phone ringing )
( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.
OH, MRS. PEACOCK.
YES. YES, HE'S HERE. IT'S
FOR YOU, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
YES?
I HAVE UNTIL 5:00 TO DECIDE.
WE AGREED THAT.
YES, WELL, I CAN'T SPEAK
IN FRONT OF MY STAFF.
DON'T ALL STAND THERE GAPING.
GET BACK TO YOUR COUNTERS.
THE OTHER SIDE.
HELLO...
I CAN'T TALK NOW. I
HAVE TO GO. GOODBYE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, NORMALLY,
I WOULD ACQUIESCE WITH YOUR
COMMAND TO RETURN TO MY COUNTER,
BUT IF YOU'RE IN ANY TROUBLE,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS IN THIS,
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU.
I'M NOT IN ANY SORT OF TROUBLE.
IF YOU'RE NOT, WHY'S THAT
MUSCLE IN YOUR NECK TWITCHING?
I REPEAT: I HAVE NO
PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
RUMBOLD'S ON THE WARPATH.
- PEACOCK.
- YES, MR. RUMBOLD?
IT'S WELL AFTER OPENING TIME
AND I FIND YOU WEARING
YOUR HAT AND COAT.
I CAN ONLY CONCLUDE THAT YOU'RE
LATE AND SETTING A VERY BAD EXAMPLE.
IF I MAY SPEAK, MR. RUMBOLD,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK ISN'T LATE.
HE WAS MODELING THIS HAT
AND COAT FOR A CUSTOMER.
BUT IT'S HIS HAT AND COAT.
YES, HE WAS SHOWING THE
CUSTOMER HOW WELL THEY WEAR.
WELL, WHERE IS THE CUSTOMER?
THEY'VE GONE AWAY
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
WELL, I'M SORRY.
BUT YOU HAVE BEEN LATE
THREE TIMES THIS WEEK
AND A FOURTH TIME WOULD
HAVE MEANT A SEVERE REPRIMAND.
OH, WHAT POPPYCOCK.
WE'RE NOT STILL AT
SCHOOL, YOU KNOW.
REALLY. I WON'T BE
SPOKEN TO IN THAT MANNER
IN FRONT OF THE STAFF.
NEITHER WILL I.
AND IF YOU CONTINUE
TO GET UP MY NOSE,
I SHALL BE FORCED TO
MENTION THE NUMBER OF DAYS
YOU LEAVE EARLY BY
THE BACK ENTRANCE.
PEACOCK, YOU'RE PUSHING
MY PATIENCE TO ITS LIMITS.
REALLY?
I MAY SEEM A
GOOD-NATURED PERSON,
BUT I MUST WARN YOU, I'M
CAPABLE OF BLOWING MY TOP.
JUDGING BY APPEARANCES,
YOU'VE ALREADY BLOWN IT.
I REALLY DON'T THINK
SENIOR MANAGEMENT
SHOULD ENGAGE IN THIS KIND OF
EXCHANGE IN FRONT OF COUNTER STAFF.
OH, DON'T MIND US.
WE'RE ENJOYING IT.
I SHALL EXPECT AN
APOLOGY BEFORE I LEAVE.
WILL THAT BE AT 5:00 P.M., OR ARE
YOU SLIPPING OUT EARLY AGAIN?
THAT WILL BE ALL. GET
BACK TO YOUR PLACE.
THAT TOLD HIM.
DO YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
PROUD TO BE ON YOUR FLOOR.
I MAY NOT BE ON THIS
FLOOR MUCH LONGER.
I'M THINKING OF MAKING A CHANGE.
DON'T SAY THAT. IT WOULDN'T
BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU.
( phone rings )
( deep voice ) MENSWEAR.
ACCOUNTS? YES.
MISS... MISS BAGNOLD?
JUST A MOMENT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
THIS IS... THIS IS RATHER
A PRIVATE MATTER.
- IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND?
- COME ALONG EVERYONE. AWAY FROM THE PHONE.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO PHONE ME.
YES, YES, SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
WELL, ALMOST EVERYTHING.
NO, NO, I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY
MIND ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
NOW LISTEN, I THINK IT
WAS MOST UNWISE OF YOU
TO GET A POSITION
WITH THIS FIRM.
( stutters )
WE COULD BE NEAR
EACH OTHER AFTER HOURS.
NO. NO I AM NOT
LEAVING THE FLOOR.
NO, EDNA, YOU MUST
NOT COME DOWN HERE.
NOW LISTEN, I'M PUTTING
THE PHONE DOWN NOW.
PLEASE DO NOT RING ME AGAIN.
- I HOPE NONE OF YOU
HEARD THAT.
- All: PARDON?
I SAID, "I HOPE NONE
OF YOU HEARD THAT."
- OF COURSE NOT.
- WHICH MISS BAGNOLD WAS THAT?
I EXPECT THE NEW ONE IN
ACCOUNTS WITH THE BIG KNOCKERS.
I HOPE THIS TITTLE-TATTLE
DOESN'T GO ANY FURTHER.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
YOU CAN TRUST US.
WELL, I HAVE A SLIGHT PROBLEM,
BUT I'M SURE I CAN... I
CAN SETTLE IT ALL RIGHT.
I WOULD BE OBLIGED IF
YOU DIDN'T MENTION IT AGAIN.
- IT'S RATHER DELICATE.
- MUM'S THE WORD.
- I HOPE NOT.
- ( phone rings )
YES, WHO IS IT THIS
TIME? OH, MRS. PEACOCK.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO DISTURB HIM. NO.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT?
ARE YOU ON OR OFF FOR TONIGHT?
TELL HER I HAVEN'T
MADE UP MY MIND.
HELLO. WHATEVER IT IS,
HE HASN'T MADE UP HIS MIND.
YOU'LL BE HERE AT 5:00 ANYWAY.
SHE'S HUNG UP.
I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT ON THE
BEST OF TERMS WITH MRS. PEACOCK.
THAT IS CORRECT.
NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND,
LET US CONTINUE WITH
OUR BUSINESS AS NORMAL.
OH, POOR CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
I THOUGHT HE WAS UNDER A STRAIN.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN A
MAN'S GOT SOMETHING WORRYING HIM.
- HOW?
- HE LOOKS FURTIVE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK'S UP?
IT'S CLEAR THAT HE'S
GOT A PROBLEM AT HOME.
AND NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
OH. WHAT ABOUT THIS MISS
BAGNOLD FROM THE ACCOUNTS?
SHE ONLY JOINED THIS WEEK.
YES, WELL, OBVIOUSLY
HE HAS KNOWN HER BEFORE.
OH.
DO YOU MEAN KNOWN
IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE?
OR JUST SOCIALLY?
WELL, NOWADAYS
IT'S THE SAME THING.
BUT OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S
PREYING ON HIS MIND.
I WONDER WHO HE'S
THINKING ABOUT NOW?
HIS WIFE OR MISS BAGNOLD?
I SINCERELY HOPE IT'S HIS WIFE.
BUT WHEN PEOPLE GET TO...
MIDDLE AGE, YOU KNOW,
THEY GET DESPERATE.
THEY FEEL THEIR YOUTH ESCAPING.
THE CHILL WIND OF AUTUMN
HAS STARTED TO BLOW.
WELL, I KNOW THAT'S HOW I FELT.
AND DID YOU KICK OVER THE TRACES
WHEN YOU FELT THE
CHILL WIND OF AUTUMN?
NO. I BOUGHT SOME
THICK KNICKERS.
STEPHEN! PSST!
I MUST TALK TO YOU.
- NOT NOW.
- I'M NOT LEAVING
UNTIL YOU DO.
OH!
MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
WOULD YOU TAKE THE
FLOOR FOR A MOMENT?
I HAVE TO DISCUSS A MATTER WITH A
MEMBER OF THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
IT'S LIKE "DALLAS."
HE'S ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
IF YOU ASK ME HE'S GOT IT.
THE LIFT'S STUCK BETWEEN FLOORS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
MORE LIKE, WHAT'S GOING OFF?
NO, NO. I MEAN,
GENERALLY BETWEEN THEM.
WELL, HE HASN'T CONFIDED IN ME.
OBVIOUSLY HE WAS THINKING OF
LEAVING HOME FOR THIS OTHER WOMAN.
SHE'S ONLY COME TO LIGHT
SINCE SHE JOINED
ACCOUNTS TO BE NEAR HIM.
I EXPECT LIKE MOST
MEN, HE DOESN'T MIND
A BIT OF SHILLY-SHALLY
ON THE SIDE.
AS LONG AS IT'S AWAY FROM HOME.
OR AWAY FROM WORK.
OOH, SOME MEN LIKE IT AT WORK.
YOU DENIED EVERYTHING
WHEN THEY FIRED MR. BENTALL.
WE ALL DENIED EVERYTHING
WHEN THEY FIRED MR. BENTALL.
THE POINT IS THAT CAPTAIN
PEACOCK'S IN A BIT OF A SPOT
AND I THINK WE
OUGHT TO STICK BY HIM.
YES, BUT IF HE WON'T CONFIDE
IN US, WHAT CAN WE DO?
WE'LL FIND AN OPPORTUNITY
TO HAVE A CHAT WITH HIM
AND ASSESS HIS SITUATION AND TRY
AND ADVISE HIM THE BEST WAY WE CAN.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA. NOW, SEE,
I'LL SIT NEXT TO HIM IN THE
CANTEEN AND DRAW HIM OUT.
YOU LOT PRETEND TO BE
CHATTING AMONGST YOURSELVES.
IT'S PROBABLY JUST A PASSING
CRUSH THIS WOMAN'S GOT ON HIM.
IT'LL ALL BE OVER
BY COFFEE TIME.
I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE
A BIT LONGER THAN THAT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, WOULD IT HELP
TO HAVE A WOMAN'S OPINION?
DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT WOMEN.
I'VE HAD WOMEN UP TO HERE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE THAT TALL.
BE QUIET.
NO, I MEAN ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S CLEAR THAT YOU
AND MRS. PEACOCK
AREN'T GETTING ON AS WELL
AS MIGHT BE AT THE MOMENT.
ARE YOU SURPRISED? WE'VE
BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
WELL, YOU'RE BOUND TO
HAVE YOUR UPS AND DOWNS.
MY MARRIAGE HAD ITS
UPS AND DOWNS FOR YEARS.
IN FACT, FOR THE LAST FEW THERE
WERE HARDLY ANY UPS AT ALL.
I'M AFRAID... I'M AFRAID
MINE HAS GOT TO THE POINT
WHERE I'VE EITHER GOT TO GO NOW,
OR STAY FOREVER AND
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
THE TROUBLE IS I CAN'T GO.
- WHY NOT?
- THIS IS JUST BETWEEN US.
I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS.
EXCEPT SPOONER.
I'LL PUT SOME BUNS ON MY EARS.
YOU LOOK LIKE AN
UNDERDONE HAMBURGER.
THE PROBLEM IS MY WIFE
WON'T GIVE ME A DIVORCE.
HAVE YOU ASKED FOR ONE?
WHAT AN IDIOTIC
QUESTION. OF COURSE I HAVE.
IT'S NOT JUST FOR
MYSELF, YOU UNDERSTAND.
I THINK IT WOULD
BE BETTER FOR HER.
I'VE CHANGED OVER THE YEARS.
I'M NOT THE SAME GAY, CAREFREE
FELLOW I WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET.
YOU'RE CERTAINLY
NOT AS CAREFREE.
THEN, I MET MISS
BAGNOLD AT THE GOLF CLUB.
WAS THIS RECENT?
NO, TWO SUMMERS AGO.
AN OLD ARMY CHUM AND
HIS WIFE INTRODUCED US
AND WE HAD A FOURSOME
THAT WAS MOST ENJOYABLE.
HANG ON, I NEED SOME MORE BUNS.
THEN... THEN IT TURNED OUT
THAT MISS BAGNOLD AND I
HAVE THE SAME HANDICAP.
OH, YOU WAS BOTH MARRIED?
GOLF HANDICAP.
SHE WAS SINGLE,
HAD A GOOD JOB IN A
BANK... THE MIDLAND.
AND LIKE A FOOL I OPENED
AN ACCOUNT THERE.
AND I ALWAYS SEEMED TO
FIND MYSELF AT HER WINDOW.
WELL, SHE BECAME INFATUATED
AND I THINK SO DID I.
SOON THE ENTIRE MIDLAND
BANK KNEW ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT IS THE LISTENING BANK.
I FOUND THAT I WAS THINKING
ABOUT HER MORE AND MORE.
AND UNFORTUNATELY,
I TALKED IN MY SLEEP.
AND APPARENTLY, I KEPT
REPEATING MY ACCOUNT NUMBER.
MY WIFE GOT SUSPICIOUS.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- SHE HIT ME WITH
A BEDSIDE LAMP.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
OPENED AN ACCOUNT AT THE NATIONAL
WESTMINSTER AND ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.
OF COURSE. NO WONDER
YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING PEAKY.
THE DIVORCE IS
PLAYING ON YOUR MIND.
NO, NO, NO, AS I SAID,
MY WIFE REFUSES
TO GIVE ME A DIVORCE.
ON THE CONTRARY, SHE WANTS
TO FORGET THE WHOLE EPISODE
AND GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
WOULDN'T IT BE WORTH
GIVING IT ANOTHER TRY?
I THOUGHT SO, UNTIL MISS BAGNOLD
GAVE UP HER FORMER POSITION,
AND JOINED THE ACCOUNTS
DEPARTMENT HERE.
OH, SHE SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
SEE HER, I'M FINE.
BUT THE SIGHT OF
THAT DESPERATE FACE
PLAYS OLD HARRY
WITH MY CONSCIENCE.
I REALIZE WHAT
A SWINE I'VE BEEN.
THE STRAIN MUST BE AWFUL.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANGUISH
OF MAKING TWO WOMEN UNHAPPY.
NO. NO, I NEED A CHANGE.
IF YOU WAS YOUNGER, YOU COULD
GO OFF AND JOIN THE FOREIGN LEGION.
THAT DID CROSS MY MIND.
FORGETTING IT ALL WITH
A TOUGH BUNCH OF MEN.
IT'S CROSSED MY
MIND OCCASIONALLY.
BUT, WELL,
WHEN YOU GET TO
MY AGE, IT'S TOO LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
WHATEVER I DO, I'VE
GOT TO DO IT TODAY.
I PROMISED MY WIFE THAT I'D MAKE
A DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.
AND AS SHE'S ARRIVING
HERE AT 5:00 P.M.
I EXPECT THERE'S ONLY
ONE COURSE OPEN TO ME.
I SHOULD TRY THE FIRE EXIT,
'CAUSE HERE'S MISS BAGNOLD.
STEPHEN, I MUST TALK TO YOU.
LEAVE THIS TO ME.
I'LL DEAL WITH HER.
NOT NOW, MISS BAGNOLD, I'M
HAVING MY COFFEE WITH MY STAFF.
I'VE DECIDED THAT IF YOU
WON'T LEAVE YOUR WIFE,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO.
- RETURN TO THE BANK?
- NO.
I SHALL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER.
NO MAN CAN EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE.
WHEREVER YOU GO,
I SHALL BE THERE.
SUCH IS MY LOVE FOR YOU
AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
JUST A MOMENT, MISS BAGNOLD.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
THAT LOVES CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
EH?
HE'S VERY POPULAR
HERE, SO DON'T BE SELFISH.
DOES YOUR HEART TREMBLE
WHEN HE TAKES YOUR HAND?
DOES YOUR DAY SUDDENLY
FILL WITH A RAINBOW
WHEN HE SMILES?
DO YOU WANT TO
HOLD HIM IN YOUR ARMS
AND KISS HIM LIKE THIS?
YOU'VE GOT A SUBMISSION!
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
I ONLY SAID HE WAS VERY POPULAR.
I DON'T KNOW HIM
AS WELL AS THAT.
( clears throat )
WELL, THAT'S IT. I SHALL HAVE
TO OFFER MY RESIGNATION.
- I CAN'T STAY HERE NOW.
- YOU'LL DO NOTHING
OF THE SORT.
IF ANYBODY GOES, IT'S HER.
JUST A MINUTE. I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
HOW ABOUT IF SHE FOUND
YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?
THEN SHE'D GO MAD
AND GO OFF YOU.
YES, YES, IF SHE FOUND OUT
HOW SHALLOW YOU
ARE, SHE'D LEAVE.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO HURT HER.
SHE REALLY IS IN LOVE.
YOU KNOW, I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT
HOW MUCH EASIER IT
WOULD BE TO BE A WOMAN.
THEY LEAD MUCH MORE
STRAIGHTFORWARD LIVES THAN WE DO.
EVERYTHING'S IN BLACK
AND WHITE FOR THEM.
YOU GOT TO BE
CRUEL TO BE... SORRY.
YOU GOT TO BE CRUEL TO BE KIND.
YOU'LL BE DOING HER A FAVOR.
I'VE OFTEN DONE IT
TO GET RID OF BIRDS.
HUH, YOU?
YOU'VE NEVER HAD
A BIRD TO GET RID OF.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I HAVE THEM
BANGING ON MY DOOR EVERY NIGHT.
YEAH, TRYING TO GET OUT.
YOU KNOW THERE
MIGHT BE SOMETHING IN IT.
WELL, IT MIGHT WORK, BUT
HOW CAN WE ARRANGE IT?
YOU COULD BE KISSING MRS.
SLOCOMBE IN THE FITTING ROOM,
AND I'LL GET MISS BAGNOLD ON
THE FLOOR ON SOME PRETEXT.
ASK FOR CHANGE FOR THE TILL.
THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD ONE.
WOULD SHE BE JEALOUS
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE?
WELL, IF WE WERE IN A
PASSIONATE EMBRACE.
DON'T YOU THINK SHE MIGHT BE
MORE INCLINED TO BE JEALOUS
IF I WAS IN A PASSIONATE
EMBRACE WITH MISS BRAHMS?
NAH, MISS BRAHMS LOOKS TOO EASY.
OW!
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S GOT THAT SORT
OF UNOBTAINABLE QUALITY ABOUT HER.
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE
ANYONE WOULD BE KISSING HER
UNLESS IT WAS REALLY SERIOUS.
OW!
ACTUALLY, HE MIGHT
BE RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
YES, WELL, WE'LL KEEP
THAT AS A LAST RESORT.
FIRSTLY, I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO SPEAK TO MR. RUMBOLD
AND SEE IF HE CAN GET MISS
BAGNOLD MOVED TO ANOTHER BRANCH.
SHE QUITE CLEARLY... SHE CAN'T
CONTROL HERSELF WORKING HERE.
- CAN I ASK YOU
A PERSONAL QUESTION?
- HMM?
WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU DO
TO GET THEM IN THIS STATE?
THAT'S JUST IT, I
DON'T DO ANYTHING.
NEITHER DO I.
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO
HAVE THE SAME EFFECT.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, I
CAN'T JUST ASK ACCOUNTS
TO TRANSFER MISS BAGNOLD
WITHOUT A GOOD REASON.
I ASSURE YOU I HAVE
A GOOD REASON.
IT IS NOT ONE I CAN DISCUSS
IN FRONT OF YOUR SECRETARY.
I KNOW THE REASON.
YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER.
I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER.
IT'S ALL OVER THE STORE.
IT'S EVEN WRITTEN ON
THE WALL OF THE LADIES.
IS IT INDEED?
WE MUST HAVE IT OFF
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
YOU'VE SEEN IT, TOO.
DO I GATHER THAT
YOU, A MARRIED MAN,
HAVE BEEN "CASANOVA-ING" AROUND?
NO! I MEAN, UNFORTUNATELY,
THAT MISS BAGNOLD IS MORE
THAN INFATUATED WITH ME
WHICH IS CAUSING ME
GREAT EMBARRASSMENT.
- DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW?
- YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
HAVE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE.
AH, SO YOU CAN
MARRY MISS BAGNOLD.
MISS BAGNOLD IS DRIVING ME MAD.
OH, AND YOU SAID
I DROVE YOU MAD.
AH, YOU WANT TO
MARRY MISS BELFRIDGE.
I STRONGLY ADVISE AGAINST IT.
THE AGE GAP. IT
WOULD NEVER WORK.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY ANYONE.
- WHY ASK FOR A DIVORCE?
- BECAUSE I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
IT WOULD APPEAR
MORE THAN ENOUGH.
MISS BELFRIDGE, I THINK
YOU'D BETTER LEAVE.
THIS IS CLEARLY A
VERY PERSONAL MATTER.
IT'S A BIT LATE NOW.
SHE'S HEARD EVERYTHING.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP YOU.
YOUR EXECUTIVE
TEA AND BISCUITS, SIR.
AH, I SEE YOU'RE
ENTERTAINING THE RED SHADOW.
MISS BAGNOLD'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
I DO NOT WISH TO DISCUSS MY
PRIVATE LIFE WITH CELLAR PEOPLE.
WELL, YOU'RE THE
TALK OF THE STORE.
THEY'RE CALLING YOU THE
ROBERT REDFORD OF READYMADES.
IN PACKING, THEY'RE
RUNNING A BOOK FIVE TO ONE
THAT YOU RUN OFF
WITH MISS BAGNOLD.
THAT WILL DO, MR. HARMAN.
YOU CAN SEE HOW INTOLERABLE
MY POSITION IS BECOMING.
I WON'T LET YOU DO IT.
I'LL STAND BY YOU, STEPHEN.
I'LL MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.
20 TO ONE MISS BELFRIDGE...
AN OUTSIDER, BUT A LOT OF FORM.
RIGHT, I PHONED MISS BAGNOLD.
I'VE TOLD HER WE NEED
SOME CHANGE FOR THE TILL.
WHEN SHE COMES DOWN ON THE
FLOOR, SHE'LL ASK WHERE YOU ARE.
I SHALL LOWER MY
EYES SHIFTILY, LIKE THIS.
OOH, YES. THAT'S SHIFTY.
THEN I SHALL BLURT OUT,
"HE'S IN THERE, BUT DON'T GO IN!"
AND THEN, SHE'LL
FIND US IN A CLINCH,
AND SHE'LL GO RIGHT OFF YOU.
I'M SURE SHE WILL.
I'LL MAKE IT AS
REALISTIC AS I CAN.
AND I'LL ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME.
- COME ON, LET'S HAVE
A QUICK PRACTICE.
- VERY WELL.
NOW THEN, DO YOU WANT IT
ON THE FLOOR OR STANDING UP?
I'M NOT A SEX MANIAC.
I JUST SUFFER FROM
THE ODD INFATUATION.
I THINK STANDING UP
WILL BE QUITE SUFFICIENT.
RIGHT, WELL, COME ON.
LET'S HAVE A QUICK ONE.
NO, I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SMUDGE YOUR LIPSTICK
UNTIL WE GET THE WORD
FROM MR. HUMPHRIES.
YES, BUT WE MUST REHEARSE WHICH
WAY ROUND WE'RE GOING TO DO IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WHICH WAY ROUND"?
Mrs. Slocombe: DO YOU
WANT MY LEFT ARM
ROUND YOUR RIGHT
SHOULDER, OR VICE VERSA?
USUALLY, WHEN I KISS
PEOPLE GOODNIGHT,
I'VE GOT MY HANDBAG
OVER MY RIGHT ARM.
SO I HANG MY UMBRELLA ON IT,
AND THEN I PUT MY RIGHT ARM
ROUND THEIR NECKS, LIKE THIS.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU
KISS PEOPLE GOODNIGHT?
WELL, WHEN SOMEONE GIVES
ONE A LIFT HOME FROM THE PUB,
THEY EXPECT A BIT OF A CANOODLE.
THAT SEEMS A
SATISFACTORY POSITION.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS WAIT.
( sniffing )
MMMM, WHAT'S THAT AFTERSHAVE?
IT'S JUST MY USUAL.
MMMM, IT'S LOVELY.
YOU KNOW, LOOKING AT YOU
FROM THIS ANGLE, STEPHEN,
YOU'RE REALLY A
VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.
I CAN QUITE SEE WHAT
THEY ALL SEE IN YOU.
CAN YOU?
AND I SUPPOSE,
LOOKING AT ME SO CLOSE,
YOU CAN SEE WHAT SOME
OF THEM SEE IN ME AS WELL.
YES, EVEN FROM
HERE I CAN SEE IT.
MMMM.
DON'T PUT YOUR FACE THERE!
ALL THE POWDER WILL COME OFF.
- IT'LL MAKE HER
MORE JEALOUS.
- OH!
WHERE'S CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS FOR HIM.
- WHAT IS IT?
- I'VE JUST PHONED
THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT.
APPARENTLY MISS BAGNOLD
IS NOT VERY SATISFACTORY
AND THEY'RE GIVING HER
THREE MONTHS NOTICE.
I DON'T THINK HE'LL
SURVIVE THREE MONTHS.
I'VE PUT THE MONEY IN THE TILL.
BY THE WAY, WHERE'S CAPTAIN
PEACOCK? I WANT A WORD WITH HIM.
HE'S NO BUSINESS OF
YOURS, MISS BAGNOLD.
KINDLY GET BACK TO
YOUR OWN DEPARTMENT.
I SHALL BE BACK AT
GOING HOME TIME.
BY THE WAY, WHERE
IS CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
HE'S IN THERE, BUT DON'T GO IN.
THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT, COME ON!
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!
WHERE'S MISS BAGNOLD?!
ISN'T ONE AT A TIME ENOUGH?
UNLESS YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR WAYS,
YOU'RE FINISHED
AT GRACE BROTHERS.
OH!
WELL, REALLY!
WHAT'RE YOU BRINGING
THOSE OVER HERE FOR?
LET'S TRY AND SELL THAT
CUSTOMER SOME OF THESE GLASSES.
OH YES, OUR COMMISSION.
ARE YOU TRYING TO
TELL ME SOMETHING?
I WAS TRYING TO INTEREST
YOU IN THESE GLASSES.
THEY'RE ON SPECIAL OFFER.
REALLY? THEY'RE A
LITTLE BIT ORDINARY.
I PREFER SOMETHING
BIG AND DRAMATIC.
SOMETHING BOLD THAT
MAKES A STATEMENT.
OH, SO DO I.
LIKE THESE.
OH!
OH, NOW THEY DO
MAKE A STATEMENT.
YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR A FIVER.
DONE.
BY THE WAY, GET RID OF HIM.
HE'S VERY BAD FOR YOUR IMAGE.
HE'S...
( deep voice ) HE'S
RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
TAKE THEM OFF, YOU
LOOK RIDICULOUS.
HE HASN'T SAID A
WORD SINCE LUNCH.
YOU CAN SEE HIS
MIND TURNING OVER.
HE KEEPS MUTTERING TO
HIMSELF, "SHALL I OR SHAN'T I?"
I HEARD HIM ON THE PHONE
OUTSIDE THE CANTEEN
TALKING TO HIS WIFE.
IT SEEMS SHE'S TRYING
TO GET HIM TO GO BACK.
ANYWAY, SHE'S COMING IN ABOUT
5:00 TO SEE IF IT'S ON OR OFF.
HE'LL HAVE TO MAKE UP HIS MIND
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER BEFORE THEN.
BUT IF SHE WON'T GIVE
HIM A DIVORCE, THAT'S THAT.
MAY I USE YOUR MIRROR?
- THERE YOU ARE.
- THANK YOU.
CAN I TRY THE ONE WITH THE BOW?
YOU'VE GOT IT ON THE
WRONG WAY ROUND.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT.
- BAG, MISS BRAHMS.
AND I'D LIKE TO LOOK
AT SOME TIGHTS AS WELL.
- SIZE?
- LARGE.
LARGE TIGHTS, MISS BRAHMS.
- COLOR?
- SOMETHING DARK
WITHOUT SEAMS.
- I JUST HAD
A TERRIBLE THOUGHT.
- WHAT?
YOU KNOW YOU SAID THERE
WAS NO WAY CAPTAIN PEACOCK
COULD GET A DIVORCE UNLESS
HE CHANGED COMPLETELY?
- MMM-HMM.
- I THINK HE'S FOUND
A WAY OF DOING IT.
WHAT WAY?!
- Humphries:
IT'S BEEN DONE BEFORE.
- Spooner: WHAT HAS?
YOU KNOW HE'S HAD ALL THESE
TERRIBLE PROBLEMS WITH WOMEN.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING
A MAN. I SHOULD KNOW.
YOU DON'T THINK HE'S
THINKING OF CHANGING, DO YOU?
HE'S ALREADY TRIED TWO HATS
AND NOW HE'S INTO THE UNDERWEAR.
HE'S COME UNHINGED.
IT'S ALWAYS THE STRONG ONES.
THERE'S ONE THING I CAN
DO BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- TALK HIM OUT OF IT.
I'LL TAKE THE HAT
AND THE UNDERWEAR.
DO YOU HAVE A SMART SKIRT?
- SOMETHING SHORT?
- HOW SHORT?
WELL, ABOUT THERE.
NO, NOT TO THERE.
HERE.
THEY'RE NOT FASHIONABLE
ANYMORE, YOU KNOW.
LADIES FOR COCKTAIL PARTIES
ARE WEARING TROUSERS
AND A SMART WHITE
SHIRT AND A LITTLE TIE.
I THINK A SHORT
SKIRT IS MORE FUN.
AND IT'LL GO WITH THIS BLOUSE.
VERY NICE.
A BIT SEE-THROUGH ISN'T IT?
PERHAPS A BLACK ONE,
LIKE THAT ONE OVER THERE.
HMM. THANK YOU.
HMMM.
ARE LADIES WEARING
COLLARS THIS HIGH?
LADIES ARE, YES, BUT I
DON'T THINK ANYBODY ELSE IS.
PUT THEM BOTH IN
MY BAG, WILL YOU?
AND PUT IT ALL ON
MY STAFF ACCOUNT.
OH, THOSE SUSPENDER
BELTS LOOK RATHER FUN.
YES, I'LL TAKE STOCKINGS
INSTEAD OF TIGHTS.
WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
THE WHITE FRILLY ONE
OR THE PINK FRILLY ONE?
THE BLACK FRILLY ONE.
THEY'RE RATHER COMMON.
BUT FUN.
DON'T ARGUE WITH A
CUSTOMER, MISS BRAHMS.
- JUST PUT THEM IN A BAG.
- YES, MRS. SLOCOMBE. HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU. WOULD YOU LOOK
AFTER THE FLOOR, MR. HUMPHRIES?
YES, CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
WONDER WHAT HE
WANTS WITH THAT LOT?
DON'T YOU KNOW? HE'S FOUND THE
ONLY WAY HE CAN GET A DIVORCE.
MARK MY WORDS,
THAT LOT'S ON ITS WAY
FOR A WILD WEEKEND IN
BRIGHTON WITH SOMEONE.
WITH THAT LOT YOU COULD HAVE
A WILD WEEKEND BY YOURSELF.
I DID WONDER, AND THEN I THOUGHT
"NO, NOT CAPTAIN PEACOCK."
WELL, NOT WITH THAT MUSTACHE.
HIS WIFE WON'T WANT HIM IN
THE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THAT.
SHE'LL BE SURE TO
GIVE HIM A DIVORCE.
YEAH, BUT TO GO
TO THOSE LENGTHS.
OH, NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
UNLESS THEY'RE FOR MISS BAGNOLD.
- SHE'S ABOUT THAT SIZE.
- OR MISS BELFRIDGE.
I BET IT'S MISS BAGNOLD.
HE DECIDED TO CHUCK IT ALL
IN AND MAKE HAY WHILE HE CAN.
WELL, ANYWAY, HIS WIFE'S
COMING IN ABOUT 5:00.
IT'S NEARLY THAT NOW. MIND YOU,
THERE'S GOING TO BE FIREWORKS.
OH, WELL, STANDBY FOR BLASTING.
HERE'S MISS BAGNOLD
FOR THE SHOWDOWN.
DO YOU KNOW, IT'S THE
BUSIEST TUESDAY I'VE KNOWN.
WHERE'S STEPHEN?
HE'S IN THE FITTING
ROOM. I'LL GET HIM FOR YOU.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK, ARE YOU FREE?
I'M FREE.
OH!
NO, NOT YOU!
NOT STEPHEN? SAY IT ISN'T YOU.
I'M AFRAID IT IS, MISS BAGNOLD.
- ( elevator dings )
- I NEVER WANT TO SEE
YOU AGAIN!
- THANK HEAVENS FOR THAT.
- SO THAT'S WHY YOU DID IT.
NOT ENTIRELY, NO.
OH, IT'S MRS. PEACOCK!
- STEPHEN?
- OH, THERE YOU ARE.
DARLING, I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.
I'M VERY GLAD TO HEAR IT.
AND MAY I SAY, YOU
LOOK WONDERFUL?
THANK YOU, MY
DEAR. AND SO DO YOU.
HAVE I MISSED SOMETHING?
I GAVE HIM ONE LAST CHANCE.
WE HAD TICKETS FOR A
FANCY-DRESS BALL IN CHELSEA.
AND IF HE DECIDED TO GO WITH ME,
IT MEANT THAT HE WOULD
STAY WITH ME FOREVER.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY MORE TICKETS?
TWO, ACTUALLY.
THANK YOU.
THERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER I'VE
BEEN DYING TO TRY FOR AGES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE, ARE YOU FREE?
YES, IF YOU'LL HELP ME
WITH MY DICKIE AND STUDS.
THANK GOODNESS WE'RE ALL
BACK TO NORMAL. COME ON.
( cash register rings )
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING UP... ♪
♪ SECOND FLOOR... CARPETS,
TRAVEL GOODS AND BEDDING ♪
♪ MATERIALS, SOFT FURNISHINGS,
RESTAURANT AND TEAS ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ FIRST FLOOR... TELEPHONES,
GENTS' READYMADE SUITS ♪
♪ SHIRTS, SOCKS, TIES, HATS,
UNDERWEAR AND SHOES ♪
♪ GOING DOWN... ♪
♪ GROUND FLOOR... PERFUMERY,
STATIONERY AND LEATHER GOODS ♪
♪ WIGS AND HABERDASHERY,
KITCHENWARE AND FOOD... ♪
♪ GOING UP. ♪