Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 1, Episode 4 - His and Her's - full transcript
The center display stand is missing and Mr.Grainger is not pleased. Mr.Rumbold informs the staff that Grace Brothers has made an agreement to sell perfume from the His and Her company. The staff becomes even more infuriated when the perfume company starts handing out free ties and stockings with every purchase of perfume.
♫ Ground floor perfumery
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
- I'M papering the gents
on the fourth floor.
- Shouldn't that be done by
decorating and maintenance?
- Not this sort of papering.
- Just a minute, Mash.
You are supposed to use the staff lift.
- Now look here, Peacock, it
ain't even quarter to nine yet.
- Captain Peacock to you.
- And it's Mr. Mash to you.
Now you ain't got no authority over me
until the official commencement
of your employment,
which is at 9:00.
Now, if you come in here
early just 'cause your wife
can't stand you, it's no concern of mine.
Brother.
- Ooh, Mash, Mash, Mash!
Mr. Mash!
- Sorry Captain Peacock, electrical fault.
- Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed
to be cleaning the department,
not drinking tea in it.
Now get on with your work.
And get that vacuum cleaner
out of here before I come in.
And get the bags changed.
The old ones are blowing out more dust
than they're sucking in.
Captain Peacock?
Certainly sir.
- A cup of tea, sir.
- I do not expect to
find you, of all people,
drinking tea in the department.
The canteen is the place
for that sort of thing.
- I got it from the the cleaners, sir.
- And they are paid to clean the place,
not bring you tea.
- You misunderstand me, sir.
I took it away from them,
at the same complaining
about the mess that the
old bags were making.
- I don't think you should
refer to the cleaning staff
as old bags, Captain Peacock.
- That's right, you tell him, Mr. Rumbold.
Dirt, that's how he treats us.
Rubbish, rubbish!
Do you know, he don't even call me mister.
- That'll do, Mash, and
get rid of that teacup.
Can you spare me a word, Captain Peacock?
- I haven't signed in yet, sir.
- Later, later, this is urgent.
- Yes sir.
I hope I haven't
dropped you in it, Stephen.
- Oh, morning Mr. Humphries.
- Morning Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, I say, I like your hat.
What were you hunting last night?
- Will you keep a civil
tongue in your head, saucebox.
I bought this to stop
me from getting mugged.
You know, people aren't so
keen to creep up behind you
if they think you're
looking over your shoulder.
Look, the center display's gone.
- The phantom trouser
stealer has struck again.
- Oh, perhaps he knows about it already.
- Well if he doesn't,
he'll have a heart attack.
What were you up to last night?
- Oh, I picked up this
bird in the library.
What were you doing in the library?
- Oh, it's a great place
for chatting up the birds, you know.
Mind, you gotta keep
your voice down a bit.
- I always do.
You gotta be careful, too, which section
you hang around, you know.
- Oh really, I suppose
you like to keep away
from gardening, science,
and historical novels.
- I usually hang around between Fanny Hill
and Lady Chatterly.
- Oh, the sports section.
- As soon as you see one
thumbing through a copy, you see,
you go over and say, alright darling,
that's enough of the theory.
Now how about a bit of practice?
- You smooth-talking sex maniac.
- They can't slap you
in the face, can they?
'Cause there's a big
sign that says silence.
- No.
- A big bird, a big bird,
enormous she was, enormous.
Built like a brick chicken house.
- I've never seen one of those.
What, a brick chicken house.
.
- Well anyway, I took her to the pictures.
- I don't remember, but
it was a double feature.
Morning Shirley.
Hey, did you know you got
a ladder in your tights.
- Oh, trust you to notice.
- Does it go all the way up.
- Well, there's one person
who'll never find out.
- Oh look, Peacock hasn't signed in.
- Perhaps his wife was late
blowing reveille this morning.
- It won't seem the same
signing the book with it
without him looking at his watch
and making caustic comments.
- And I'll tell you what, you
sign and I'll caustic comment.
8:46, Mr. Humphries.
One minute late for battle again.
- Oh, not again.
Oh please, Captain Peacock, I beg of you.
Don't tell the evil Mr. Rumbold.
Otherwise I shall lose my
position at Grace Brothers,
a position which I've
held these 30 summers
and a lot more winters.
Please Captain Peacock, I beg of you,
I'll do anything, anything.
- No wonder you wear that hat.
- Me too, Captain Peacock.
- It's not good, Miss Brahms.
You know what happens when you're late.
Oh, not that again, Captain Peacock.
- Peacock!
- Captain Peacock to you, dog.
Come here, my beauty, and we'll show you
how Grace Brothers teat their deserters.
- Now!
- Lucas!
- Captain Peacock!
- Get up, Miss Brahms.
You have a ladder that goes the
whole length of your tights.
- There's one person who found out.
- I will not have this larking about
in my absence, Mr. Lucas.
- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.
- It's a disgrace, and it's
very discourteous to me.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, Captain Peacock.
Mind you, sir, if we didn't know
what a really good sport
you are, we wouldn't take
such terrible liberties.
- Don't let it happen again.
- No sir.
- I'm surprised that you were
allowing it, Mr. Humphries.
My hand isn't as firm as
yours, Captain Peacock.
- Good morning, Captain Peacock.
You're rather later than
customary, are you not.
- Well, apart from one
or two other things,
I had to get my wife off.
- Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.
She's staying with her
sister in Cliftonville
for a few days.
We girls will have to watch our steps.
- And our ladders.
- Mrs. Slocombe, it had crossed my mind
that if you had nothing on
during the next few days,
I might suggest a small dinner a deux?
- Candles perhaps or anything you fancy.
- No trousers.
- Mrs. Peacock, she's
only away for two days.
- Mr. Granger's trousers are missing
and so is the center display stand.
- I noticed as soon as I
came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, yes you did, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, my goodness, you
said, it's gone, you said.
What, I said.
Mr. Granger's center
display stand, you said.
Oh dear, I said.
My goodness, Mr. Granger will have a fit
when he sees it, you said.
And you were right.
- Well, what has happened
to the center display stand?
- Mr. Rumbold has ordered its removal.
- Glass of water for Mr. Granger.
- Glass of water coming up.
- Is this one of your
machinations, Mrs. Slocombe?
- I don't do machinations, Mr. Granger.
But I'm very relieved that it's gone.
- Well, I shall have to have
some words with Mr. Rumbold,
and give him a piece of my mind.
- Good morning.
I was just asking what had happened
to the central display stand.
- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.
I was meaning to have a
word with you about that.
In fact, I have an announcement to make.
- Gather round everybody.
Mr. Rumbold has an announcement to make.
- Mr. Lucas, gather round.
I think Mr. Rumbold's going
to do a bit of announcing.
- This does not concern the
cleaning staff, Captain Peacock.
- Hillary, Deirdre, you
heard what Mr. Rumbold said.
Now get about our business, come on!
- Grace Brothers have entered
into a promotion agreement
with a perfurmery company
to promote their product
by having a special stand on
this floor to promote them.
- Yes, you could put it like that.
- Well if it's scent, why can't
you clear some counter space
in the ladies' department?
- Precisely.
- Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying
far too much underwear.
- Are you suggesting, Mr. Granger,
that I should remove my underwear
and put perfume there instead?
- Are you suggesting that
I should remove my trousers
and put perfume there instead?
- Now, now, now.
- Yes, as I was about
to say, now, now, now.
I must point out
that this a boardroom decision,
and that the perfume in
question is going to be on sale
to both sexes under the
brand name of His and Hers.
- Well, I'm not going to sell Hers,
and I refuse to have
anything to so with His.
- That's what I'm trying to
point out, Mrs. Slocombe.
It's to be promoted by a member
of the perfume company's sale steff.
- Probably a half and half.
- Ah, here comes the special stand now.
- Ices, ices, cold.
Get your lovely ices.
Get your ices.
Hey hey!
Oh, sorry there.
- That will do, Mr. Mash.
- Time's getting on a bit.
I think we'd better all lend a hand.
- Where shall I stick it then,
as the stamp collector said to Mae West.
- That will, do Mr. Mash.
Everybody lend a hand.
- That's what Mae West said
to the stamp collector.
I shall take no part in it.
- Ha ha, mutiny on the counter!
- Now now, come come, Mr. Granger.
That's not like you.
- Well, even in the French Revolution,
the victims weren't expected
to chop off their own heads.
- I'm sure it won't come
to that, Mr. Granger.
- Nevertheless, my
staff will not cooperate
in the outfitting of that stand.
- I'm behind you, Mr. Granger.
- And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, unless Captain Peacock says
I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries.
In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
- Oh Captain Peacock,
seeing as our Mr. Granger
is behaving like a bear with a sore head,
perhaps I can help.
- No no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream
of allowing a lady in your position
to do such work as this, Mrs. Slocombe.
- You're such a gent.
Miss Brahms, lend a hand.
- Mrs. Slocombe, how
would tonight suit you?
- For our little dinner date.
- Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you.
You, a happily married man.
- Oh, would that were true.
- Oh, not another one.
- After 14 years, you
don't know what it's like.
- I didn't know what it
was like after seven.
- Positions everyone,
the store has opened.
Mrs. Slocombe, let me know what you think
after you've given it a
little thought, will you?
- Come along everybody, the store is open.
Go about your business.
Mr. Mash, leave the floor.
- Leave the floor, Mr. Mash.
- Oh yes sir.
We mustn't let the customers
see me, must we, eh, eh.
It's time Cinderella was back
in the kitchen, innit, eh?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not serving.
The ladies is over there.
- Oh, I don't want the ladies.
- I mean the ladies department.
- Guess what, you've got a customer.
Are you being served, madam?
- No, it's quite alright, thank you.
I'm the representative from His and Hers.
- Oh yes.
- I doubt it with those on.
Are you free, Captain Peacock?
- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
- This is the salesgirl
from the scent people.
- Morning.
May I welcome you most
cordially to Grace Brothers.
- Oh blimey.
- That must be the
salesgirl from His and Hers.
Oh, she's a bit of a turn on, isn't she?
- That's all you think about.
It's all up here, you know.
- Not 100%, it's not.
- Who is that young lady
engaging Captain Peacock
in conversation?
- It's the girl from His and Hers.
- Oh, oh, then I think we'd better ignore.
- Mr. Lucas is trying, but
he's not doing very well
at the moment.
- Just my luck, isn't
it, for a bird like that
to sail into my life on a Thursday.
Look at that, one lousy quid.
Where can you take a bird
like that on one quid.
- Well, you could buy
a six-penn'eth of worms
and take her for a walk
along the canal bank
with your bent pin.
- Does she look like the sort of girl
you'd take along the canal bank?
- What about some of your
witty chat over sausage, egg,
and chips at the transport cap?
- Hey, old Peacock's chatting
her up about, isn't he?
Look at him, look at him, look at him.
- Oh, well he's probably hoping she goes
for the father figure.
- More like the grandfather figure.
- I'm sure you'll be very happy here,
and if there's anything
at all that you need,
don't hesitate to get in touch.
- Well that's very kind of you.
Where do I find you?
- About here, actually.
- He isn't half working well on her.
Do you think he fancies her?
Men of Captain Peacock's age
prefer some more mature woman.
Someone he can talk to.
- Yes, when you get to his age, I suppose
that's all that's left.
- Hello.
Hello, it's my turn now.
Peacock's leaving the field of battle.
- I shouldn't venture into no man's land
until he's left the department.
- A word with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Take over, Miss Brahms.
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
Yes Captain Peacock?
- About tonight.
- Oh yes, I've been thinking about that,
and I said to myself, why not.
I mean, what have I hot to lose?
- What indeed.
- I've been thinking about it, too,
and on second thought, I
feel it would be unwise
for us to start something
that we couldn't finish.
- Well, you know, two attractive
people thrown together.
The spark that lights the tinder.
The all consuming fire.
- I thought it was just dinner.
- Well I think perhaps that
lunch in the executive canteen
would be safer.
- In a manner of speaking, yes.
- Well fancy.
Leading a girl on like that.
- He's gonna chat her up again.
- He's chatting her up again,
look at him, look at him.
- With his bedroom department smile.
- Randy old floorwalker.
- Yes, isn't it.
- I hope this doesn't seem premature,
and I do hope you won't
mind my mentioning it.
- Go on.
- Well let me put it another way.
Do you have a particular boyfriend.
- All my boyfriends are particular.
- Of course.
Yes, no, what I was trying to say was,
I wondered if you might, by any chance,
be free to join me for a
drink when we close tonight.
- Sh, not so loud!
No no no, I just wondered
if you were free.
- Well it's very kind of
you, Captain Poe-cock.
- Peacock.
But my boyfriend's picking me up at 5:30.
- Ah, well.
Say no more.
I was just worried that you might be
at a loose end.
Excuse me.
Mrs. Slocombe.
Yes Captain Peacock?
- I've been thinking
over what I said to you,
and I've had second thoughts.
- Well I haven't, and the answer's no.
And regarding what you
said about that fire,
I think it would be just as well
if you didn't get your matches out.
- May I inquire what purpose
you want to know for?
- I want to change.
- I'm sorry.
Our rooms are not staff.
- Thank you for your help.
- It was a pleasure.
- That told her.
- Your turn on is coming across.
- I see her.
Old Peacock's given up, you see.
He didn't get anywhere with that sexy talk
and the smooth smile and all that.
I think I'll use the direct approach.
Yeah, they're very good
with these toffee-nosed
sort of birds, you know.
Just grab 'em and they go mad.
- I must watch that.
I might learn a thing or two
from the Casanova of the cufflink counter.
- I'm not gonna do it in front of you.
- Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me.
- I'm very glad you came over.
You know, it's a funny thing.
I wanted to have a word with you, see.
Really something very important.
What happened?
- I grabbed her and she went mad.
- I wonder if you can help me.
- Be a pleasure.
Do I need a bodyguard?
- I wonder if you have a
changing room I could use.
- Are you having any
difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
- Not yet, Mr. Granger.
This young lady wanted to use
one of our changing rooms.
Would you believe to change?
- I don't like the tone of your voice.
And our changing rooms are not
for the use of the female staff.
- Oh, alright then.
Have it your own way.
- A glass of water for Mr. Granger.
And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas.
- I think you'll find that
it'll fall into your shape, sir.
And don't worry about the sleeves.
They'll ride up with wear.
- And don't worry about
the color being too bright.
It'll wash out in the rain.
- It's alright, thanks.
Just looking.
- That's all I've had this morning.
Four just lookings, three no thank yous,
and two where's the gents.
- Well I was just having a
chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger,
but I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.
The ones she's just putting up
on the stands.
Oh yeah, she's put some
cards up there, too.
- Yes, what do they say.
- I can't quite focus, Mr. Granger.
Shall I go over and observe?
- No, no, I don't think
we should fraternize.
Call Mr. Lucas, he has younger eyes.
- Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Granger was just
observing the young lady
on the center stand and was
wondering what's on the cards.
- Well at his time of life,
very little, I should think.
- The print, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah yes.
With every bottle of His
perfume you purchase,
you get a free tie.
Take over, will you Mr. Humphries?
I'm going to see Captain Peacock.
- It says, with every bottle of Hers,
you get a free pair of stockings.
Well, that's very good
for our trade, I must say.
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
- There we are then.
Let's hope we don't get a short
circuit when we plug it in.
As Mae West said when
she picked up the midget.
I suppose it'll take a
few moments to warm up.
As Mae West said to the Eskimo.
Eskimo!
- Mr. Mash.
If you've finished, I'm
sure you are urgently
required elsewhere.
- You're quite right, Captain Peacock.
I've got a bunged up carsey
in the bargain basement.
- I wonder if Mae West ever said that.
- I think it's disgusting.
It's undermining my underwear.
- Yes, and my accessories.
- You must do something
about it, Captain Peacock.
- For once, I entirely agree
with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
- This thing must be stamped on right now.
- I must deal with this
my own way, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Well go on, then.
- I'm just trying to think of
the best way of handling it.
- Tell her to push off.
- Jesus!
- Well, you've got to
put something under them
to get them going.
- I've found that myself lately.
- Is, umm, is everything
to your satisfaction?
- Yes, it's all fine, thank you.
- You certainly cause a stir
in the trouser department.
- Yes, this outfit usually
gets the men going.
It's the gymslip look that does it.
That and the stocking tops.
- Yes yes, if you're that type,
it must have a certain effect.
Your stockings also seem
to have upset the head
of the ladies department.
- Yes, well I suppose
that job would attract
a rather odd sort of person.
- No no no no, it's free
samples that have upset her.
- I'm having to make the
appearance of complaining
on their behalf, you understand.
Of course.
- Well I think that has made
the department's attitude
quite clear and there's no more to say.
Don't move, you man, you.
Cover your body with me.
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
You're slightly aloof.
Yet you have a hint of pulsating virility.
You're wearing His, the man-sized perfume.
- Oh yes yes, that's very nice, yes.
May I congratulate you on a
very arresting sales technique.
- Well it's corny, but it works.
You should hear what they
cooked up for the ladies.
Stay just where you are.
Don't move a muscle.
If you want a real he-man,
you'll find I'm a killer.
Just let me caress you and
wrap myself around you.
Who am I?
I'm the Hers perfume to
attract the perfect him.
- Glass of water for Mr. Humphries.
Yes
sir, if you're wearing His,
and yes madam, if you're wearing Hers,
you can be sure of instant results.
And remember, this week only,
you get an amazing free gift.
For him, a tie, yes a tie
in these gay, irresistible His colors.
For the lady, a fantastic
pair of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down.
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
of His and Hers.
- And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
- Did you ever hear the likes
in all your born days, Mr. Granger?
- I don't think that we
should take it lying down,
do you Mrs. Slocombe?
- No I don't.
And Mr. Lucas.
Miss Brahms.
Now I've no doubt you've noticed the way
in which this young lady operates.
- Yes, we have, Mr. Granger.
- I felt it.
- She's certainly drawing customers away
from our departments.
Now if you will all back me
up, I will take the matter
to a higher authority.
- I'll back you up, Mr. Granger.
- It's never going to Peacock.
He's gonna have his eyes
glued to her garters
til closing time.
- No good going to Rumbold.
He'll back up Peacock.
- Weak as water he is, weak as water.
- We're lumbered then, aren't we.
- Will no one rid me of
this meddlesome priest?
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Granger.
- Mr. Granger's quoting from Henry II,
when he wanted to bump off Becket.
- Oh not nice Mr. Beckett from hardware.
- No no no, Mr. Granger played Becket
in Grace Brothers production
of Murder in the Cathedral.
- I'm sorry I missed that.
- And Mr. Granger was very
good, in spite of his gamey leg.
- He fell of the cathedral steps,
and Mr. Rumbold and the
lads had to murder him
in the front row of the stalls.
- It got a very good round of applause.
- Are you suggesting then
that we should stab her
in the staff canteen?
- Mr. Granger, if I could
just have five minutes extra
maybe at lunch time, I
think I might be able
to arrange a little sabotage.
- We none of us heard
that suggestion, did we?
No, Mr. Granger.
- Nevertheless, carry on, Mr. Lucas.
For
the lady, a fantastic pair
of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down.
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift now
with every purchase of His and Hers.
And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
- She's still there.
- Yes, Mr. Lucas's plan
that we don't know about
isn't really going like a dose of salt.
- Well everything's ready.
- That's a microphone.
As soon as she starts
her next demonstration,
I'll be on radio six and seven-eights.
- I must tell Mr. Granger, he'd
like not to know about that.
Don't move, you man you.
Cover your body with me.
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
You're slightly aloof.
- Bald as a coot with only one tooth.
Stay just where you are.
Don't move a muscle.
- She's wearing a tin bra
and starch in her bustle.
If
you want a real he-man,
you'll find I'm a killer.
- With a face like yours, you'll end up
with Guy the Gorilla.
- Somebody's interfered with my tape.
No, no, no.
- Please, please, please!
Let's marshal all our facts
and find out precisely
why this young lady left.
Now first of all, whose finger was it
on the button that ruined the tape.
- Well it was my finger, but it--
- No no no no, just the facts.
Now, how did the other voice come into it.
- Well I was talking through my hat, sir.
- Well there was a
microphone in his hat, sir.
- I see.
- Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger said,
will no one rid me of
the meddlesome priest.
- Well actually, Henry II said it.
- That I can explain.
It wasn't Mr. Granger
who said it in the play,
it was Becket, you remember, Mr. Rumbold,
he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
- That's why he got such
a good round of applause.
- Now, I may be dense.
What has the play got to
do with this girl leaving?
- Ah, well you see, Mr.
Granger drew our attention
to the fact that Henry II
wanted to get rid of Becket.
- Not Becket from hardware, no.
- Thomas of Becket, you see.
Well I took the hint
because I knew that they
wanted to get rid of the girl.
- I would like to state at this point
that I had no hand in
the girl's departure.
- I should think not.
With your eyes glued to her garters.
Anyway, good riddance, I say.
It was ruining our sales.
- Here here.
- Well the pity of it is
that the His and Hers perfurme company
is a subsidiary of our
firm, Grace Brothers.
- It was a very pleasant smell.
Don't you think, Mr. Humphries?
- Most appealing, Mr. Granger.
You found it most appealing
too, didn't you, Mr. Lucas?
- Oh yes, I did, I did. I did.
Yes, I did, Mr. Humphries.
I thought it was most appealing.
You found it very appealing, too,
didn't you, Captain Peacock?
- The gymslip was very eye-catching.
- And Young Mr. Grace, who
is the principle shareholder
has alerted me to the fact
that he will be popping in
to see how the campaign is going.
- Oh dear.
- Oh, we made a right naus
up of that, didn't we?
- As you say, Miss
Brahms, a right naus up.
So we shall have to think
of something, shan't we.
- Yes sir, if you're wearing his.
And yes madam, if you're wearing hers.
Then you can be sure of instant results.
And remember for this week only,
you get an amazing free gift.
For him, a tie, yes a tie, in
these irresistible His colors.
And for the ladies, a fantastic pair
of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down, so
keep your chappy happy happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
of His and Hers.
♫ Ground floor perfumery
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents readymade suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
underwear and shoes, going up
♫ Second floor carpets
♫ Travel goods and bedding
♫ Material, soft furnishings,
♫ restaurant and teas, going down
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ Kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents ready-made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats,
♫ Underwear and shoes, going up
- I'M papering the gents
on the fourth floor.
- Shouldn't that be done by
decorating and maintenance?
- Not this sort of papering.
- Just a minute, Mash.
You are supposed to use the staff lift.
- Now look here, Peacock, it
ain't even quarter to nine yet.
- Captain Peacock to you.
- And it's Mr. Mash to you.
Now you ain't got no authority over me
until the official commencement
of your employment,
which is at 9:00.
Now, if you come in here
early just 'cause your wife
can't stand you, it's no concern of mine.
Brother.
- Ooh, Mash, Mash, Mash!
Mr. Mash!
- Sorry Captain Peacock, electrical fault.
- Hillary, Deirdre, you're supposed
to be cleaning the department,
not drinking tea in it.
Now get on with your work.
And get that vacuum cleaner
out of here before I come in.
And get the bags changed.
The old ones are blowing out more dust
than they're sucking in.
Captain Peacock?
Certainly sir.
- A cup of tea, sir.
- I do not expect to
find you, of all people,
drinking tea in the department.
The canteen is the place
for that sort of thing.
- I got it from the the cleaners, sir.
- And they are paid to clean the place,
not bring you tea.
- You misunderstand me, sir.
I took it away from them,
at the same complaining
about the mess that the
old bags were making.
- I don't think you should
refer to the cleaning staff
as old bags, Captain Peacock.
- That's right, you tell him, Mr. Rumbold.
Dirt, that's how he treats us.
Rubbish, rubbish!
Do you know, he don't even call me mister.
- That'll do, Mash, and
get rid of that teacup.
Can you spare me a word, Captain Peacock?
- I haven't signed in yet, sir.
- Later, later, this is urgent.
- Yes sir.
I hope I haven't
dropped you in it, Stephen.
- Oh, morning Mr. Humphries.
- Morning Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, I say, I like your hat.
What were you hunting last night?
- Will you keep a civil
tongue in your head, saucebox.
I bought this to stop
me from getting mugged.
You know, people aren't so
keen to creep up behind you
if they think you're
looking over your shoulder.
Look, the center display's gone.
- The phantom trouser
stealer has struck again.
- Oh, perhaps he knows about it already.
- Well if he doesn't,
he'll have a heart attack.
What were you up to last night?
- Oh, I picked up this
bird in the library.
What were you doing in the library?
- Oh, it's a great place
for chatting up the birds, you know.
Mind, you gotta keep
your voice down a bit.
- I always do.
You gotta be careful, too, which section
you hang around, you know.
- Oh really, I suppose
you like to keep away
from gardening, science,
and historical novels.
- I usually hang around between Fanny Hill
and Lady Chatterly.
- Oh, the sports section.
- As soon as you see one
thumbing through a copy, you see,
you go over and say, alright darling,
that's enough of the theory.
Now how about a bit of practice?
- You smooth-talking sex maniac.
- They can't slap you
in the face, can they?
'Cause there's a big
sign that says silence.
- No.
- A big bird, a big bird,
enormous she was, enormous.
Built like a brick chicken house.
- I've never seen one of those.
What, a brick chicken house.
.
- Well anyway, I took her to the pictures.
- I don't remember, but
it was a double feature.
Morning Shirley.
Hey, did you know you got
a ladder in your tights.
- Oh, trust you to notice.
- Does it go all the way up.
- Well, there's one person
who'll never find out.
- Oh look, Peacock hasn't signed in.
- Perhaps his wife was late
blowing reveille this morning.
- It won't seem the same
signing the book with it
without him looking at his watch
and making caustic comments.
- And I'll tell you what, you
sign and I'll caustic comment.
8:46, Mr. Humphries.
One minute late for battle again.
- Oh, not again.
Oh please, Captain Peacock, I beg of you.
Don't tell the evil Mr. Rumbold.
Otherwise I shall lose my
position at Grace Brothers,
a position which I've
held these 30 summers
and a lot more winters.
Please Captain Peacock, I beg of you,
I'll do anything, anything.
- No wonder you wear that hat.
- Me too, Captain Peacock.
- It's not good, Miss Brahms.
You know what happens when you're late.
Oh, not that again, Captain Peacock.
- Peacock!
- Captain Peacock to you, dog.
Come here, my beauty, and we'll show you
how Grace Brothers teat their deserters.
- Now!
- Lucas!
- Captain Peacock!
- Get up, Miss Brahms.
You have a ladder that goes the
whole length of your tights.
- There's one person who found out.
- I will not have this larking about
in my absence, Mr. Lucas.
- I'm sorry, Captain Peacock.
- It's a disgrace, and it's
very discourteous to me.
- Yes, I'm sorry.
It won't happen again, Captain Peacock.
Mind you, sir, if we didn't know
what a really good sport
you are, we wouldn't take
such terrible liberties.
- Don't let it happen again.
- No sir.
- I'm surprised that you were
allowing it, Mr. Humphries.
My hand isn't as firm as
yours, Captain Peacock.
- Good morning, Captain Peacock.
You're rather later than
customary, are you not.
- Well, apart from one
or two other things,
I had to get my wife off.
- Off on the train, Mrs. Slocombe.
She's staying with her
sister in Cliftonville
for a few days.
We girls will have to watch our steps.
- And our ladders.
- Mrs. Slocombe, it had crossed my mind
that if you had nothing on
during the next few days,
I might suggest a small dinner a deux?
- Candles perhaps or anything you fancy.
- No trousers.
- Mrs. Peacock, she's
only away for two days.
- Mr. Granger's trousers are missing
and so is the center display stand.
- I noticed as soon as I
came in, didn't I, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, yes you did, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, my goodness, you
said, it's gone, you said.
What, I said.
Mr. Granger's center
display stand, you said.
Oh dear, I said.
My goodness, Mr. Granger will have a fit
when he sees it, you said.
And you were right.
- Well, what has happened
to the center display stand?
- Mr. Rumbold has ordered its removal.
- Glass of water for Mr. Granger.
- Glass of water coming up.
- Is this one of your
machinations, Mrs. Slocombe?
- I don't do machinations, Mr. Granger.
But I'm very relieved that it's gone.
- Well, I shall have to have
some words with Mr. Rumbold,
and give him a piece of my mind.
- Good morning.
I was just asking what had happened
to the central display stand.
- Oh yes, Mr. Granger.
I was meaning to have a
word with you about that.
In fact, I have an announcement to make.
- Gather round everybody.
Mr. Rumbold has an announcement to make.
- Mr. Lucas, gather round.
I think Mr. Rumbold's going
to do a bit of announcing.
- This does not concern the
cleaning staff, Captain Peacock.
- Hillary, Deirdre, you
heard what Mr. Rumbold said.
Now get about our business, come on!
- Grace Brothers have entered
into a promotion agreement
with a perfurmery company
to promote their product
by having a special stand on
this floor to promote them.
- Yes, you could put it like that.
- Well if it's scent, why can't
you clear some counter space
in the ladies' department?
- Precisely.
- Mrs. Slocombe is already displaying
far too much underwear.
- Are you suggesting, Mr. Granger,
that I should remove my underwear
and put perfume there instead?
- Are you suggesting that
I should remove my trousers
and put perfume there instead?
- Now, now, now.
- Yes, as I was about
to say, now, now, now.
I must point out
that this a boardroom decision,
and that the perfume in
question is going to be on sale
to both sexes under the
brand name of His and Hers.
- Well, I'm not going to sell Hers,
and I refuse to have
anything to so with His.
- That's what I'm trying to
point out, Mrs. Slocombe.
It's to be promoted by a member
of the perfume company's sale steff.
- Probably a half and half.
- Ah, here comes the special stand now.
- Ices, ices, cold.
Get your lovely ices.
Get your ices.
Hey hey!
Oh, sorry there.
- That will do, Mr. Mash.
- Time's getting on a bit.
I think we'd better all lend a hand.
- Where shall I stick it then,
as the stamp collector said to Mae West.
- That will, do Mr. Mash.
Everybody lend a hand.
- That's what Mae West said
to the stamp collector.
I shall take no part in it.
- Ha ha, mutiny on the counter!
- Now now, come come, Mr. Granger.
That's not like you.
- Well, even in the French Revolution,
the victims weren't expected
to chop off their own heads.
- I'm sure it won't come
to that, Mr. Granger.
- Nevertheless, my
staff will not cooperate
in the outfitting of that stand.
- I'm behind you, Mr. Granger.
- And I'm behind, Mr. Humphries.
Yes, unless Captain Peacock says
I mustn't be behind Mr. Humphries.
In which case, I'm behind Mr. Rumbold.
- Oh Captain Peacock,
seeing as our Mr. Granger
is behaving like a bear with a sore head,
perhaps I can help.
- No no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream
of allowing a lady in your position
to do such work as this, Mrs. Slocombe.
- You're such a gent.
Miss Brahms, lend a hand.
- Mrs. Slocombe, how
would tonight suit you?
- For our little dinner date.
- Captain Peacock, I'm surprised at you.
You, a happily married man.
- Oh, would that were true.
- Oh, not another one.
- After 14 years, you
don't know what it's like.
- I didn't know what it
was like after seven.
- Positions everyone,
the store has opened.
Mrs. Slocombe, let me know what you think
after you've given it a
little thought, will you?
- Come along everybody, the store is open.
Go about your business.
Mr. Mash, leave the floor.
- Leave the floor, Mr. Mash.
- Oh yes sir.
We mustn't let the customers
see me, must we, eh, eh.
It's time Cinderella was back
in the kitchen, innit, eh?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not serving.
The ladies is over there.
- Oh, I don't want the ladies.
- I mean the ladies department.
- Guess what, you've got a customer.
Are you being served, madam?
- No, it's quite alright, thank you.
I'm the representative from His and Hers.
- Oh yes.
- I doubt it with those on.
Are you free, Captain Peacock?
- At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.
- This is the salesgirl
from the scent people.
- Morning.
May I welcome you most
cordially to Grace Brothers.
- Oh blimey.
- That must be the
salesgirl from His and Hers.
Oh, she's a bit of a turn on, isn't she?
- That's all you think about.
It's all up here, you know.
- Not 100%, it's not.
- Who is that young lady
engaging Captain Peacock
in conversation?
- It's the girl from His and Hers.
- Oh, oh, then I think we'd better ignore.
- Mr. Lucas is trying, but
he's not doing very well
at the moment.
- Just my luck, isn't
it, for a bird like that
to sail into my life on a Thursday.
Look at that, one lousy quid.
Where can you take a bird
like that on one quid.
- Well, you could buy
a six-penn'eth of worms
and take her for a walk
along the canal bank
with your bent pin.
- Does she look like the sort of girl
you'd take along the canal bank?
- What about some of your
witty chat over sausage, egg,
and chips at the transport cap?
- Hey, old Peacock's chatting
her up about, isn't he?
Look at him, look at him, look at him.
- Oh, well he's probably hoping she goes
for the father figure.
- More like the grandfather figure.
- I'm sure you'll be very happy here,
and if there's anything
at all that you need,
don't hesitate to get in touch.
- Well that's very kind of you.
Where do I find you?
- About here, actually.
- He isn't half working well on her.
Do you think he fancies her?
Men of Captain Peacock's age
prefer some more mature woman.
Someone he can talk to.
- Yes, when you get to his age, I suppose
that's all that's left.
- Hello.
Hello, it's my turn now.
Peacock's leaving the field of battle.
- I shouldn't venture into no man's land
until he's left the department.
- A word with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Take over, Miss Brahms.
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
Yes Captain Peacock?
- About tonight.
- Oh yes, I've been thinking about that,
and I said to myself, why not.
I mean, what have I hot to lose?
- What indeed.
- I've been thinking about it, too,
and on second thought, I
feel it would be unwise
for us to start something
that we couldn't finish.
- Well, you know, two attractive
people thrown together.
The spark that lights the tinder.
The all consuming fire.
- I thought it was just dinner.
- Well I think perhaps that
lunch in the executive canteen
would be safer.
- In a manner of speaking, yes.
- Well fancy.
Leading a girl on like that.
- He's gonna chat her up again.
- He's chatting her up again,
look at him, look at him.
- With his bedroom department smile.
- Randy old floorwalker.
- Yes, isn't it.
- I hope this doesn't seem premature,
and I do hope you won't
mind my mentioning it.
- Go on.
- Well let me put it another way.
Do you have a particular boyfriend.
- All my boyfriends are particular.
- Of course.
Yes, no, what I was trying to say was,
I wondered if you might, by any chance,
be free to join me for a
drink when we close tonight.
- Sh, not so loud!
No no no, I just wondered
if you were free.
- Well it's very kind of
you, Captain Poe-cock.
- Peacock.
But my boyfriend's picking me up at 5:30.
- Ah, well.
Say no more.
I was just worried that you might be
at a loose end.
Excuse me.
Mrs. Slocombe.
Yes Captain Peacock?
- I've been thinking
over what I said to you,
and I've had second thoughts.
- Well I haven't, and the answer's no.
And regarding what you
said about that fire,
I think it would be just as well
if you didn't get your matches out.
- May I inquire what purpose
you want to know for?
- I want to change.
- I'm sorry.
Our rooms are not staff.
- Thank you for your help.
- It was a pleasure.
- That told her.
- Your turn on is coming across.
- I see her.
Old Peacock's given up, you see.
He didn't get anywhere with that sexy talk
and the smooth smile and all that.
I think I'll use the direct approach.
Yeah, they're very good
with these toffee-nosed
sort of birds, you know.
Just grab 'em and they go mad.
- I must watch that.
I might learn a thing or two
from the Casanova of the cufflink counter.
- I'm not gonna do it in front of you.
- Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me.
- I'm very glad you came over.
You know, it's a funny thing.
I wanted to have a word with you, see.
Really something very important.
What happened?
- I grabbed her and she went mad.
- I wonder if you can help me.
- Be a pleasure.
Do I need a bodyguard?
- I wonder if you have a
changing room I could use.
- Are you having any
difficulties, Mr. Humphries?
- Not yet, Mr. Granger.
This young lady wanted to use
one of our changing rooms.
Would you believe to change?
- I don't like the tone of your voice.
And our changing rooms are not
for the use of the female staff.
- Oh, alright then.
Have it your own way.
- A glass of water for Mr. Granger.
And a tranquilizer for Mr. Lucas.
- I think you'll find that
it'll fall into your shape, sir.
And don't worry about the sleeves.
They'll ride up with wear.
- And don't worry about
the color being too bright.
It'll wash out in the rain.
- It's alright, thanks.
Just looking.
- That's all I've had this morning.
Four just lookings, three no thank yous,
and two where's the gents.
- Well I was just having a
chat to Mr. Lucas, Mr. Granger,
but I am free, aren't I, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh yes, you're free, Mr. Humphries.
The ones she's just putting up
on the stands.
Oh yeah, she's put some
cards up there, too.
- Yes, what do they say.
- I can't quite focus, Mr. Granger.
Shall I go over and observe?
- No, no, I don't think
we should fraternize.
Call Mr. Lucas, he has younger eyes.
- Yes, yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Granger was just
observing the young lady
on the center stand and was
wondering what's on the cards.
- Well at his time of life,
very little, I should think.
- The print, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah yes.
With every bottle of His
perfume you purchase,
you get a free tie.
Take over, will you Mr. Humphries?
I'm going to see Captain Peacock.
- It says, with every bottle of Hers,
you get a free pair of stockings.
Well, that's very good
for our trade, I must say.
I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.
- There we are then.
Let's hope we don't get a short
circuit when we plug it in.
As Mae West said when
she picked up the midget.
I suppose it'll take a
few moments to warm up.
As Mae West said to the Eskimo.
Eskimo!
- Mr. Mash.
If you've finished, I'm
sure you are urgently
required elsewhere.
- You're quite right, Captain Peacock.
I've got a bunged up carsey
in the bargain basement.
- I wonder if Mae West ever said that.
- I think it's disgusting.
It's undermining my underwear.
- Yes, and my accessories.
- You must do something
about it, Captain Peacock.
- For once, I entirely agree
with you, Mrs. Slocombe.
- This thing must be stamped on right now.
- I must deal with this
my own way, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Well go on, then.
- I'm just trying to think of
the best way of handling it.
- Tell her to push off.
- Jesus!
- Well, you've got to
put something under them
to get them going.
- I've found that myself lately.
- Is, umm, is everything
to your satisfaction?
- Yes, it's all fine, thank you.
- You certainly cause a stir
in the trouser department.
- Yes, this outfit usually
gets the men going.
It's the gymslip look that does it.
That and the stocking tops.
- Yes yes, if you're that type,
it must have a certain effect.
Your stockings also seem
to have upset the head
of the ladies department.
- Yes, well I suppose
that job would attract
a rather odd sort of person.
- No no no no, it's free
samples that have upset her.
- I'm having to make the
appearance of complaining
on their behalf, you understand.
Of course.
- Well I think that has made
the department's attitude
quite clear and there's no more to say.
Don't move, you man, you.
Cover your body with me.
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
You're slightly aloof.
Yet you have a hint of pulsating virility.
You're wearing His, the man-sized perfume.
- Oh yes yes, that's very nice, yes.
May I congratulate you on a
very arresting sales technique.
- Well it's corny, but it works.
You should hear what they
cooked up for the ladies.
Stay just where you are.
Don't move a muscle.
If you want a real he-man,
you'll find I'm a killer.
Just let me caress you and
wrap myself around you.
Who am I?
I'm the Hers perfume to
attract the perfect him.
- Glass of water for Mr. Humphries.
Yes
sir, if you're wearing His,
and yes madam, if you're wearing Hers,
you can be sure of instant results.
And remember, this week only,
you get an amazing free gift.
For him, a tie, yes a tie
in these gay, irresistible His colors.
For the lady, a fantastic
pair of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down.
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
of His and Hers.
- And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
- Did you ever hear the likes
in all your born days, Mr. Granger?
- I don't think that we
should take it lying down,
do you Mrs. Slocombe?
- No I don't.
And Mr. Lucas.
Miss Brahms.
Now I've no doubt you've noticed the way
in which this young lady operates.
- Yes, we have, Mr. Granger.
- I felt it.
- She's certainly drawing customers away
from our departments.
Now if you will all back me
up, I will take the matter
to a higher authority.
- I'll back you up, Mr. Granger.
- It's never going to Peacock.
He's gonna have his eyes
glued to her garters
til closing time.
- No good going to Rumbold.
He'll back up Peacock.
- Weak as water he is, weak as water.
- We're lumbered then, aren't we.
- Will no one rid me of
this meddlesome priest?
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Granger.
- Mr. Granger's quoting from Henry II,
when he wanted to bump off Becket.
- Oh not nice Mr. Beckett from hardware.
- No no no, Mr. Granger played Becket
in Grace Brothers production
of Murder in the Cathedral.
- I'm sorry I missed that.
- And Mr. Granger was very
good, in spite of his gamey leg.
- He fell of the cathedral steps,
and Mr. Rumbold and the
lads had to murder him
in the front row of the stalls.
- It got a very good round of applause.
- Are you suggesting then
that we should stab her
in the staff canteen?
- Mr. Granger, if I could
just have five minutes extra
maybe at lunch time, I
think I might be able
to arrange a little sabotage.
- We none of us heard
that suggestion, did we?
No, Mr. Granger.
- Nevertheless, carry on, Mr. Lucas.
For
the lady, a fantastic pair
of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down.
Keep your chappie happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift now
with every purchase of His and Hers.
And today's special price,
ladies and gentlemen, 85p.
- She's still there.
- Yes, Mr. Lucas's plan
that we don't know about
isn't really going like a dose of salt.
- Well everything's ready.
- That's a microphone.
As soon as she starts
her next demonstration,
I'll be on radio six and seven-eights.
- I must tell Mr. Granger, he'd
like not to know about that.
Don't move, you man you.
Cover your body with me.
You're sophisticated and dangerous.
You're slightly aloof.
- Bald as a coot with only one tooth.
Stay just where you are.
Don't move a muscle.
- She's wearing a tin bra
and starch in her bustle.
If
you want a real he-man,
you'll find I'm a killer.
- With a face like yours, you'll end up
with Guy the Gorilla.
- Somebody's interfered with my tape.
No, no, no.
- Please, please, please!
Let's marshal all our facts
and find out precisely
why this young lady left.
Now first of all, whose finger was it
on the button that ruined the tape.
- Well it was my finger, but it--
- No no no no, just the facts.
Now, how did the other voice come into it.
- Well I was talking through my hat, sir.
- Well there was a
microphone in his hat, sir.
- I see.
- Ah, well, you see, Mr. Granger said,
will no one rid me of
the meddlesome priest.
- Well actually, Henry II said it.
- That I can explain.
It wasn't Mr. Granger
who said it in the play,
it was Becket, you remember, Mr. Rumbold,
he got stabbed in the orchestra stalls.
- That's why he got such
a good round of applause.
- Now, I may be dense.
What has the play got to
do with this girl leaving?
- Ah, well you see, Mr.
Granger drew our attention
to the fact that Henry II
wanted to get rid of Becket.
- Not Becket from hardware, no.
- Thomas of Becket, you see.
Well I took the hint
because I knew that they
wanted to get rid of the girl.
- I would like to state at this point
that I had no hand in
the girl's departure.
- I should think not.
With your eyes glued to her garters.
Anyway, good riddance, I say.
It was ruining our sales.
- Here here.
- Well the pity of it is
that the His and Hers perfurme company
is a subsidiary of our
firm, Grace Brothers.
- It was a very pleasant smell.
Don't you think, Mr. Humphries?
- Most appealing, Mr. Granger.
You found it most appealing
too, didn't you, Mr. Lucas?
- Oh yes, I did, I did. I did.
Yes, I did, Mr. Humphries.
I thought it was most appealing.
You found it very appealing, too,
didn't you, Captain Peacock?
- The gymslip was very eye-catching.
- And Young Mr. Grace, who
is the principle shareholder
has alerted me to the fact
that he will be popping in
to see how the campaign is going.
- Oh dear.
- Oh, we made a right naus
up of that, didn't we?
- As you say, Miss
Brahms, a right naus up.
So we shall have to think
of something, shan't we.
- Yes sir, if you're wearing his.
And yes madam, if you're wearing hers.
Then you can be sure of instant results.
And remember for this week only,
you get an amazing free gift.
For him, a tie, yes a tie, in
these irresistible His colors.
And for the ladies, a fantastic pair
of garter grip stockings.
They never let you down, so
keep your chappy happy happy
with something snappy.
Get your amazing free gift
now with every purchase
of His and Hers.
♫ Ground floor perfumery
♫ Stationery and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery
♫ kitchenware and food, going up
♫ First floor telephones
♫ Gents readymade suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats
underwear and shoes, going up
♫ Second floor carpets
♫ Travel goods and bedding
♫ Material, soft furnishings,
♫ restaurant and teas, going down