Are You Being Served? (1972–1985): Season 1, Episode 3 - Camping In - full transcript
The recent travel strikes have left the staff stranded at the store. At first thought, the idea of camping out on the floor seems a horrible idea, but soon the staff start sharing many war memories and find out that staying the night might not be as bad as they thought.
(cash register ringing)
♫ Ground floor
♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor
♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
- Don't worry about the
length of the fingers, sir.
You will find they'll ride up with wear.
And I'm sure you'll find
they'll give every satisfaction,
don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Grainger,
it's very difficult
to distinguish that plastic
imitation leatherette
from the real imitation leatherette.
(audience laughing)
- And you will find that the lining
will keep the hands wonderfully warm.
Won't you, Mr. Humphries?
- Warm as toast, Mr. Grainger.
- Yes.
- Of course, that's
because it's made of real
imitation simulated nylon
fur fabric, you see, sir.
- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- I wore a pair of those
myself last season,
and I had quite a lot of satisfaction.
Didn't I, Mr. Grainger?
(audience laughing)
- I believe you did, Mr. Humphries.
- During the freeze up
last winter, you know,
when I couldn't fill my hot water bottle,
I wore a pair of those on my feet,
and I got quite a lot
of satisfaction, too.
Didn't I, Mr. Humphries?
- What you say, Mr. Lucas,
has a distinct ring of truth about it,
despite the fact that you've
only been with us two months.
- As a matter of fact, they're
for the wife's brother.
I don't like him very much.
- Well, in that case, sir,
you couldn't have made a better choice.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Slocombe, that
man's been hanging around
our underwear counter
for the past 10 minutes.
- Oh, dear.
Do you think he's one of those?
- One of what?
- A bold voyeur.
You know, they're the people
who look but don't touch.
- Oh, I've never been
out with one of those.
(audience laughing)
- Are you being served, sir?
- No.
Do you have a male
assistant on this counter?
- No, sir, this is ladies' underwear.
- I just thought you might
have a man to help you.
- No, sir.
There isn't much demand
for that sort of thing
at Grace Brothers.
- Ah.
- Well, I want to purchase a bra.
- What size do you take?
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
- Oh, no, no, it's for my fiance.
She's a young girl.
- Oh, congratulations.
Have you any idea what
size the young lady takes?
- Well...
- Miss Brahms, go and polish something.
- I managed to knock this
off when she wasn't looking.
- Oh, how clever of you.
She's a healthy girl, isn't she?
(audience laughing)
Miss Brahms, get out the 44's.
The Kilimanjaro ones.
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mr. Lucas.
(snapping)
- Did you beckon me, Captain Peacock?
- By standing up there near the lift
you're out of your territory, you know?
Your place is at the
other end of the counter
to allow Mr. Grainger and Mr. Humphries
first choice of the customers.
- Yeah, well, that's all very well,
but, I mean, I haven't
had a customer all day.
- Mr. Grainger?
- Is something wrong, Captain Peacock?
- Mr. Lucas was bemoaning
the fact that he hasn't had
a chance of serving a customer all day.
- I wasn't complaining, Mr. Grainger.
Mind you, if I'm not allowed
to earn any commission,
I can probably live for
another two or three days
before I starve to death.
- Well, I, I think perhaps we have been
a little hard on him, you know?
I'm sure that my colleague and
I could hold back a little.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- The next customer will be Mr. Lucas's.
- Understood, Mr. Grainger.
- Thank you, Mr. Grainger,
thank you, Mr. Humphries.
Thank you again, Mr., Captain Peacock.
- Isn't it time for your
tea break, Mr. Lucas?
- I've given it up.
- In that case, your customer's
approaching, Mr. Lucas.
- Carry on, Mr. Lucas.
- Just my luck.
(audience laughing)
- Good afternoon, sir,
could I help you, sir?
- Hi, well, I hope so.
Do you have any good, stout,
long-lasting, hard-wearing tweed?
- Yes, well, let me think.
Do you we have any good, stout,
long-lasting, hard-wearing tweed?
Something in the jacket
line, perhaps, sir?
- No, no, something in the truse line.
- Truse?
- Truse, man, briggs.
- Harris Tweed briefs?
- Briggs, that's trousers, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah, yes, of course,
sir, yes, yes, trousers.
Yes, trousers.
What waist are you, sir?
- 36.
But 40 would be more comfortable.
- 36, but 40, and your inside leg, sir?
- Measure it.
(audience laughing)
- I beg your pardon?
- Measure it.
I've always worn the kilt,
never worn briggs in my life.
(laughing nervously)
- Just a minute.
Mr. Grainger, can I
borrow your tape measure?
I've gotta take that
gentleman's inside leg.
- I'd prefer that you
borrow Mr. Humphries'.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Humphries, do me a favor.
Take that man's inside leg.
- Don't ask me, I've given it up for lent.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, he's your customer.
- Well, all right then,
well, lend me a tape measure.
- Oh, here, but don't lose it anywhere.
Hang on a minute.
(blowing)
- What's going on?
- I'm warming the end of it.
(audience laughing)
(blowing)
- Which side do you wear
your sporran on, sir?
On the left or the right?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, get on with, man.
Where exactly do you think
you're going with that thing?
- I'm just measuring your inside legs.
- No way you're going in with that.
In Scotland we always
measure the inside leg
from the outside.
- Ah, yes.
Just about there.
- I make that 32, including the sporran.
- Do you think it suits me?
- Oh, yes, it does, madam.
And those artificial cherries
are very youth-making.
Don't you think so, Miss Brahms?
- Oh, yes, Mrs. Slocombe.
It takes years off her.
- Thank you, Miss Brahms.
And that green goes so
well with madam's eyes.
- I've got brown eyes.
- That's what I mean.
The sort of brown that
goes so well with green.
It gives you a sort of film star look.
- Oh.
- Marlene Dietrich's.
- But she's in her 70s.
- Well, she wasn't when she was about 40.
- Do you think I should
wear the brim up, or down?
- Down.
(audience laughing)
- Have you got one cut a bit lower?
(gasping)
- Would you mind remaining
in the fitting room, madam?
You see, we share our accommodation
with gents ready made,
and they've got eyes like hawks.
- I waited in there hours
for you to come and serve me.
- Any trouble, Mrs. Slocombe?
- I thought you'd be over.
- I'm just asking your
salesgirl if she's got
one cut a bit lower.
- How much lower did you have in mind?
(audience laughing)
- I'll deal with it, Captain Peacock.
Miss Brahms, get out a 38C platform
with heavy duty straps.
Will you take the hat, madam?
- No.
No, I think I'll try on
a pair of shoes instead.
- I see.
Captain Peacock?
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Would you direct madam
to the shoe department?
- Certainly, will you
come this way, madam?
- I'm so sorry we couldn't find anything
to go with your face, madam.
But no doubt you'll try us again.
Awkward cow.
- Mrs. Slocombe?
They've come out.
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Mash?
What have come out?
- The transport, the
trains, buses, the lot.
Look, they're out, traffic chaos.
Out the workers.
- Mr. Rumbold says there'll
be a meeting in his office
at 5:30 today re the transport strike.
- Just us heads of departments,
or the staff as well?
- Oh, everybody.
- Does that include me, then?
- No.
- Isn't it marvelous, eh?
I'm not even everybody, I'm nobody.
- True.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you've all seen the news.
I'm afraid the the transport
situation is very grave.
But I'm proud to say that Grace Brothers
is going to rise to the occasion.
- Are we gonna man the buses, sir?
Mrs. Slocombe will make
a marvelous clippie.
She's got plenty of room on top.
(laughing)
- Don't encourage him, Miss Brahms.
- Now, which of us has cars?
- Oh, dratted, I let
the chauffeur have mine.
- I had an old banger before the war.
- And then Mrs. Grainger
made him give her up.
(audience laughing)
- In those days?
- Mine's off the road being prepared
for my continental touring holiday.
- Oh, going to the Isle
of Wight again, are you?
- Now, is any of us
within walking distance?
- Well, I could be home by the morning
if I set off now.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, it's as I thought, we
are, in a sense, stranded here.
But, fortunately, Mr. Grace
has kindly given his permission
for the employees to spend
the night inside the store.
- Where are we going to sleep?
- On the floor.
- I'm not sleeping on the floor.
- I mean on the department floor,
on whatever bedding or other
devices that we can improvise.
- Can Miss Brahms and I bag the waterbed
on the fourth floor?
- Only if you sleep inside it.
- We're all staying on our own floors.
It's been agreed.
- Yes, but what about privacy?
I mean, we can't all just kick
down like Sodom and Gomorrah.
(audience laughing)
- All's fun in Egham.
(audience laughing)
- I think Mrs. Slocombe has
raised a very valid point.
I think there should be some
separation between the sexes.
- And also within the sexes.
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps the ladies could
sleep in the fitting room.
- Miss Brahms and I are not sleeping
in that pokey hole with no air.
- Well, I'll tell you what,
you kick down with the rest of us,
and I'll get you a
couple of chastity belts
out of the novelty department.
- Just because it's after half past 5:00
doesn't give you carte blanche
to be coarse, Mr. Lucas.
- What we have to do is to improvise.
Now, let's all think very carefully.
Camping.
- I beg your pardon?
(audience laughing)
- Camping.
Were you never in the
scouts, Mr. Humphries?
- Well, not officially, no.
(audience laughing)
- Tents!
We have tents.
- Tents?
Well, if we're going to sleep in tents,
I want one with a stout bolt.
- Mrs. Slocombe, I feel sure I can speak
for all the men here when I
tell you that we will not,
as you seem to suppose,
behave like mad dogs
as soon as the lights are out.
- Here, here.
(audience laughing)
- We're all in this together.
It's up to us to make the best of it, hmm?
Let's see what we can fix up.
Camping equipment, please.
(somber music)
- [Captain Peacock] Put that one up.
- Yeah, well, it won't go.
I can't get it in, you
see, Captain Peacock.
- Do it from inside.
- Yes, all right.
- Get inside.
Hit the spigot into the socket.
- [Mr. Lucas] Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
- I can see that you were
never in the army, Mr. Lucas.
- Well, I don't see why I
couldn't have spent the night
in the toy department in Peter Pan's house
with Wendy and the crocodile.
- Are you referring to Wendy
from the gramophone department?
- Oh, do you fancy her as well?
- Oh, Captain Peacock, are you free?
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Could I have
your assistance for a moment?
- Certainly.
- There's no curtain at my window.
- I shouldn't worry, Mrs. Slocombe.
I mean, you'll be sleeping on the floor,
and only a very tall
person could see anything,
and even then, he'd
have to stand on tiptoe.
- That's what I was thinking.
- But apart from that, I
mean, one usually finds
that condensation steams up the windows.
- I can assure you, Captain Peacock,
that sleeping on an air
bed under an army blanket,
I'm not likely to get up much steam.
Oh, yes, yes, and there's another thing.
How am I supposed to do
the zip up from inside?
- Well, perhaps the best
thing, Mrs. Slocombe,
would be to get someone else
to zip you up after you're in.
- Yes, but what if, for
some reason or other,
I wanted to leave in a hurry in the night?
- Well, if you think that
sort of emergency might occur,
it might be wiser to leave your zip open.
- Oh, it all seems very primitive.
(audience laughing)
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(clattering)
- Pajamas, lovely right pajamas.
Get your pajamas for free.
Here you are, fresh pajamas.
Fresh from the Sales Discount Department.
Here you are, Mrs.
Room for you and a friend.
(audience laughing)
- What awful, common things.
Oh, well, I suppose they're
better than nothing.
- I think I'd prefer you in nothing.
- Miss Brahms, our sleepwear has arrived.
- What size are you?
- Oh, not for me, thanks.
I never wear anything in bed.
I don't like rough things next to my skin.
- You're lucky you ain't
got me in there with ya.
(audience laughing)
- You will wear pajamas
tonight, Miss Brahms.
Suppose there was a fire,
and you have no clothes on?
- Oh, I'll be first to be rescued.
(audience laughing)
- Get them on, Miss Brahms.
- I can't wear these, they're men's!
There's a flapper in the front.
- Well, find a safety pin
and wear them the wrong way around.
- Who's in here, then?
- I am.
- [Mr. Humphries] And mind
where you're putting your hands.
- Want some pajamas?
- No, thank you.
- I've made my own
from a friend of mine in
the gentlemens boutique.
- Good night.
Anime I rides again, eh?
(grumbling)
Are you in there, Mr. Grainger, sir?
- Are you all right, Mr. Grainger?
- I'm trying to get my trousers on.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
It isn't easy, you know?
- Nice pair of pajamas, Mr. Grainger.
- Yes, yes.
(grumbling)
Perhaps it would be more dignified
if I changed in the gentlemens cloak room.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, the things you see when
you haven't got your gun.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Grainger!
You've left your flap open.
On your tent.
- I don't think that was
very funny, Mr. Lucas.
(laughing)
- Here you are, Captain Peacock,
top quality fashion killers.
- Haven't you got anything
other than stripes?
- Who do you want, then, Pips?
- I think that having
regard for my position
I should have something that makes me look
a little different from the rest.
- Why don't you leave
the trousers off, then?
Sorry, Captain Peacock.
I'll see if I can find
you something else, then.
- [Captain Peacock] Yes, do.
(tent clattering)
- Oh, blimey, I'll be quicker to pinch
one of Mrs. Slocombe's bras
and sling it up with a hammer.
- It's the last pair, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, great.
(audience laughing)
What am I supposed to do with these?
- Now how did that get in there?
The leg must have come
from the window display.
- The window display?
How many one-legged
men go window shopping?
- No, it's the bed advert, you see.
The He-dummy was getting
out one side of the bed,
and the She-dummy was getting
out the other side of the bed,
and they used one pair of
pajamas for two, you see?
- But I can't wear these in mixed company.
- Well, all you do is, you
put both legs down there,
and you hop into bed.
(laughing)
(Miss Brahms screaming)
- Eh, what's your game?
- I'm sorry, Miss Brahms,
I was under the impression
that this was where I was
supposed to be sleeping.
- Not on your nelly, Captain Peacock.
- You were supposed to be
in the big tent with Mrs. Slocombe.
- Well, then, you take it up
with her, and you better knock.
- By the way, Miss Brahms,
your pajamas should be on
the other way around.
- Look, you do your thing your way,
and I'll do my thing my way.
(audience laughing)
Ahem.
(knocking on tent)
(Mrs. Slocombe blowing raspberry)
Mrs. Slocombe?
(Mrs. Slocombe blowing raspberry)
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Just a
minute, Captain Peacock.
- I can come back later.
(Mrs. Slocombe snorting)
Or not at all.
- [Mrs. Slocombe] It's all right.
I've got the stopper in it.
- Why me?
- I was blowing up my air bed,
and it takes puff after puff after puff.
- Can I help anybody?
(audience laughing)
- No, thank you, Mr.
Humphries, I've managed.
- Mrs. Slocombe, what is Miss
Brahms doing in that tent?
- Knowing you I'm surprised
you haven't looked.
- He has, and I was putting on me pajamas.
- Captain Peacock.
- The point is, Mrs.
Slocombe, that this large tent
is for yourself and Miss Brahms.
- There's going to be no one in my boudoir
when I blow out the candle.
- I have no other accommodation.
Where am I supposed to biverwhack?
- I don't care, whack,
it's nothing to do with me.
- [Mr. Mash] Here, grab
the case, boys, here.
- What on earth is that, Mr. Mash?
- Did you get down it?
This is a bed, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Rumbold ordered it.
- How very thoughtful of him.
- Not there, Mr. Mash.
- Well, it wouldn't go
through your office door, sir.
- I can't sleep out here with the staff.
- You can't sleep out here with the staff?
- Of course I can sleep
out here with the staff.
(laughing)
Don't be silly.
Now, how does this thing work?
- Oh, well, you pull this down, see, sir.
Undo the bolt like that, see?
Pull it down.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Get the little legs down there, see?
That's the way, yeah.
Look, look, nice little bed there.
You see, really, it should be screwed
to the bedroom wall, sir, you see?
So when your bird's
father knocks at the door,
you press the button
and she goes up the wall
instead of him, you see?
(laughing)
- That will do, Mr. Mash.
- An ingenious device, is it not?
- Yes, most ingenious.
- Quite roomy.
- Yes, well, it is sold as a small double.
- It might help to solve a
slight problem we have, sir.
- What problem?
- Miss Brahms refuses to leave my tent.
- Have you tried persuading her?
- Yes, she was quite adamant.
- Well, you're quite right
to tell me, of course.
What you do after hours in normal times
is entirely your own affair.
But you can hardly go through with this
under our very noses, so to speak.
- I think you may have,
sir, what might be termed
the wrong end of the stick.
- Have I?
- Yes, sir.
- I had arranged for Mrs.
Slocombe to have that large tent
because I was quite sure that
she would be willing to share.
To my surprise, she wouldn't hear of it.
- Do you suppose she has heard
about you and Miss Brahms?
- I was trying to get Miss
Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe
together in the same tent.
- What, all three of you?
(audience laughing)
- No, sir, I don't want
to share with the ladies.
- Oh, good.
- I want to share with you.
♫ Keep the home fires burning
♫ While your hearts are yearning
♫ Though your lads are far away
♫ They dream of home
♫ There's a silver lining
♫ Through the dark clouds shining
♫ Turn the dark clouds inside out
♫ 'Til the boys come home
(audience applauding)
- Very good was that.
- That was wonderful, Mr. Rumbold.
Didn't you think so, Captain Peacock?
- Oh, yes, it brought
back memories of the army,
and the lads, the heat, the sunsets,
the endless shifting sands.
- How long were you at Bognor
Regis, Captain Peacock?
- Mr. Lucas, when you were at school,
I was with some of the
toughest soldiers in the world
chasing Rommel through the deserts.
- Some people have all the luck.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, Lucas, some people seem to forget
that men like Captain Peacock and myself
were instrumental in making this a country
fit for heroes to live in.
- What were you in, then, Mr. Rumbold?
- Catering Corps.
- The NAAFI?
- Not the NAAFI, Mr. Lucas.
The Catering Corps was a very
important part of the service.
The army marched on its stomach, remember.
- I suppose they couldn't walk
upright for the indigestion.
- Unfortunately, Captain Peacock,
these youngsters seem to
forget what we went through.
- Were you in the NAAFI, Mrs. Slocombe?
- No, of course I was
a mere slip of a girl.
But I was in Air Raid Precautions.
In fact, that's how I met my
husband, during an air raid.
The bombs were raining down,
and I saw his face lit by an incendiary.
He threw me on my face and said,
"Look out, here comes a big one."
(audience laughing)
- I suppose there wasn't
much time for chatting
in those days.
- And when it had gone off,
we headed for the nearest shelter,
and it was then I knew that
it was love at first sight.
- The first bomb site you come to.
- Oh, you have such a nasty mind.
- Where were you when all this
was happening, Mr. Grainger?
- I was in ENSA, entertaining the troops.
- What does ENSA stand for?
- Every night something awful happens.
- You did a grand job, you ENSA chaps.
- Thank you, yes.
I used to do impersonations, you know?
I called myself Whimsical Willie.
I did impersonations
of Hitler, and Gerding,
and Goebbels, and von
Ribbentrop, and Lord Haw-Haw.
- Whose side were you on?
- Well, I used to do
Mr. Churchill, as well.
- Do your Lord Haw-Haw
for us, Mr. Grainger.
He was the one who used to
broadcast propaganda to England.
- Well, I don't know if I can.
It was so many years ago, you know?
The last time I did it was
at a concert in Tobruk.
Germany calling, Germany calling.
You English have no
chance of winning the war.
The German army is invincible.
- Oh, life-like.
(audience laughing)
It sent shivers up your spine.
- And then I used to do Mr.
Winston Churchill, you know?
We will fight on the beaches.
We will fight on the landing grounds.
We will fight in the
streets, and in the villages,
but we will never surrender.
Give us the tools, and
we will finish the job.
And then I used to raise my hat.
- I think you were very
brave, Mr. Grainger.
- With an act like that, he had to be.
- Of course, I wasn't around
when all this was going on.
- Where were you, then?
- I wasn't born.
But it was the war that brought
my mother and father together.
We've still got pictures
of him with his black face
running up the beach.
- What was he, the
first illegal immigrant?
(audience laughing)
- He was a commando.
- Oh, the toughest.
- Absolutely ruthless.
- My mom found him in her bicycle shed.
He was on a training exercise nip switch.
"What are you doing?" she says.
"Looking for the jerry." he said.
So she took him indoors
and showed him upstairs.
And, well, they just sort of clicked.
- Isn't that romantic?
You know, I'm sorry I
missed all that, really.
Still, no matter what happens,
even in spite of me pierced
eardrums and me flat feet,
whatever happens, I'll be there
at the front the next time.
- Dressed as a woman with a
ticket for Sweden, no doubt.
- Well, I think it's time for lights out.
It's been a most enjoyable evening.
Just like the old boy scout jamborees.
- Yes, it's only half past 10:00.
- Shall I put the
campfire out, Mr. Rumbold?
- Oh, yes, we don't
want to take any risks.
- Oh, Grainger was having
one of his cat naps again.
Somebody better wake him
up, it's time to go to bed.
- [Captain Peacock] Mr. Humphries.
- [Mr. Humphries] Are
you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Yes, yes.
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Mr. Grainger.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Shirley, fancy a game of ping-pong
in the sports department?
- No, thank you.
- How about sardines in soft furnishings?
- Get in your tent and zip yourself up.
- Would you like me to go to the library
and get you a copy of
"The Sensuous Woman"?
Two copies?
- Has anybody set the
alarm for tomorrow morning?
- I've set the burglar alarm for tonight.
- I hope you catch one.
- After you, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- I'm gonna keep my socks
on, if you don't mind.
- Not at all, sir.
(trumpeting)
That's enough, Mr. Lucas.
- Goodnight, Mrs. Slocombe.
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Are
you standing on tiptoe?
- No, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, drat it.
There goes me stopper.
(audience laughing)
- Fire, fire!
Fire!
(audience laughing)
Well, that's dampened it down a bit.
Goodnight, Mr. Humphries.
- Goodnight, Mr. Lucas.
- [Mr. Humphries] I won't come out.
I've just put cream on me face.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, just think, those teeth
once did Winston Churchill.
Goodnight, Mr. Grainger.
(Mr. Grainger mumbling)
Don't bother.
(audience laughing)
- You're not going to read,
are you, Captain Peacock?
- No, sir.
- Can you get rid of that thing?
- What thing?
- The light.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- There's nothing on my side.
- Oh, damn, it must be on mine.
Mr. Lucas, you're not in bed yet.
- I'm just going, sir.
- [Mr. Rumbold] Turn this
light out for us, will you?
- Certainly, sir.
- Not the lever.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
(cash register ringing)
♫ Ground floor
♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor
♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor
♫ Carpets, travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and jeans
♫ Going down
(audience applauding)
♫ Ground floor
♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor
♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
- Don't worry about the
length of the fingers, sir.
You will find they'll ride up with wear.
And I'm sure you'll find
they'll give every satisfaction,
don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Grainger,
it's very difficult
to distinguish that plastic
imitation leatherette
from the real imitation leatherette.
(audience laughing)
- And you will find that the lining
will keep the hands wonderfully warm.
Won't you, Mr. Humphries?
- Warm as toast, Mr. Grainger.
- Yes.
- Of course, that's
because it's made of real
imitation simulated nylon
fur fabric, you see, sir.
- Thank you, Mr. Lucas.
- I wore a pair of those
myself last season,
and I had quite a lot of satisfaction.
Didn't I, Mr. Grainger?
(audience laughing)
- I believe you did, Mr. Humphries.
- During the freeze up
last winter, you know,
when I couldn't fill my hot water bottle,
I wore a pair of those on my feet,
and I got quite a lot
of satisfaction, too.
Didn't I, Mr. Humphries?
- What you say, Mr. Lucas,
has a distinct ring of truth about it,
despite the fact that you've
only been with us two months.
- As a matter of fact, they're
for the wife's brother.
I don't like him very much.
- Well, in that case, sir,
you couldn't have made a better choice.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Slocombe, that
man's been hanging around
our underwear counter
for the past 10 minutes.
- Oh, dear.
Do you think he's one of those?
- One of what?
- A bold voyeur.
You know, they're the people
who look but don't touch.
- Oh, I've never been
out with one of those.
(audience laughing)
- Are you being served, sir?
- No.
Do you have a male
assistant on this counter?
- No, sir, this is ladies' underwear.
- I just thought you might
have a man to help you.
- No, sir.
There isn't much demand
for that sort of thing
at Grace Brothers.
- Ah.
- Well, I want to purchase a bra.
- What size do you take?
- That'll do, Miss Brahms.
- Oh, no, no, it's for my fiance.
She's a young girl.
- Oh, congratulations.
Have you any idea what
size the young lady takes?
- Well...
- Miss Brahms, go and polish something.
- I managed to knock this
off when she wasn't looking.
- Oh, how clever of you.
She's a healthy girl, isn't she?
(audience laughing)
Miss Brahms, get out the 44's.
The Kilimanjaro ones.
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mr. Lucas.
(snapping)
- Did you beckon me, Captain Peacock?
- By standing up there near the lift
you're out of your territory, you know?
Your place is at the
other end of the counter
to allow Mr. Grainger and Mr. Humphries
first choice of the customers.
- Yeah, well, that's all very well,
but, I mean, I haven't
had a customer all day.
- Mr. Grainger?
- Is something wrong, Captain Peacock?
- Mr. Lucas was bemoaning
the fact that he hasn't had
a chance of serving a customer all day.
- I wasn't complaining, Mr. Grainger.
Mind you, if I'm not allowed
to earn any commission,
I can probably live for
another two or three days
before I starve to death.
- Well, I, I think perhaps we have been
a little hard on him, you know?
I'm sure that my colleague and
I could hold back a little.
Mr. Humphries, are you free?
- Yes, I'm free, Mr. Grainger.
- The next customer will be Mr. Lucas's.
- Understood, Mr. Grainger.
- Thank you, Mr. Grainger,
thank you, Mr. Humphries.
Thank you again, Mr., Captain Peacock.
- Isn't it time for your
tea break, Mr. Lucas?
- I've given it up.
- In that case, your customer's
approaching, Mr. Lucas.
- Carry on, Mr. Lucas.
- Just my luck.
(audience laughing)
- Good afternoon, sir,
could I help you, sir?
- Hi, well, I hope so.
Do you have any good, stout,
long-lasting, hard-wearing tweed?
- Yes, well, let me think.
Do you we have any good, stout,
long-lasting, hard-wearing tweed?
Something in the jacket
line, perhaps, sir?
- No, no, something in the truse line.
- Truse?
- Truse, man, briggs.
- Harris Tweed briefs?
- Briggs, that's trousers, Mr. Lucas.
- Ah, yes, of course,
sir, yes, yes, trousers.
Yes, trousers.
What waist are you, sir?
- 36.
But 40 would be more comfortable.
- 36, but 40, and your inside leg, sir?
- Measure it.
(audience laughing)
- I beg your pardon?
- Measure it.
I've always worn the kilt,
never worn briggs in my life.
(laughing nervously)
- Just a minute.
Mr. Grainger, can I
borrow your tape measure?
I've gotta take that
gentleman's inside leg.
- I'd prefer that you
borrow Mr. Humphries'.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Humphries, do me a favor.
Take that man's inside leg.
- Don't ask me, I've given it up for lent.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, he's your customer.
- Well, all right then,
well, lend me a tape measure.
- Oh, here, but don't lose it anywhere.
Hang on a minute.
(blowing)
- What's going on?
- I'm warming the end of it.
(audience laughing)
(blowing)
- Which side do you wear
your sporran on, sir?
On the left or the right?
(audience laughing)
- Oh, get on with, man.
Where exactly do you think
you're going with that thing?
- I'm just measuring your inside legs.
- No way you're going in with that.
In Scotland we always
measure the inside leg
from the outside.
- Ah, yes.
Just about there.
- I make that 32, including the sporran.
- Do you think it suits me?
- Oh, yes, it does, madam.
And those artificial cherries
are very youth-making.
Don't you think so, Miss Brahms?
- Oh, yes, Mrs. Slocombe.
It takes years off her.
- Thank you, Miss Brahms.
And that green goes so
well with madam's eyes.
- I've got brown eyes.
- That's what I mean.
The sort of brown that
goes so well with green.
It gives you a sort of film star look.
- Oh.
- Marlene Dietrich's.
- But she's in her 70s.
- Well, she wasn't when she was about 40.
- Do you think I should
wear the brim up, or down?
- Down.
(audience laughing)
- Have you got one cut a bit lower?
(gasping)
- Would you mind remaining
in the fitting room, madam?
You see, we share our accommodation
with gents ready made,
and they've got eyes like hawks.
- I waited in there hours
for you to come and serve me.
- Any trouble, Mrs. Slocombe?
- I thought you'd be over.
- I'm just asking your
salesgirl if she's got
one cut a bit lower.
- How much lower did you have in mind?
(audience laughing)
- I'll deal with it, Captain Peacock.
Miss Brahms, get out a 38C platform
with heavy duty straps.
Will you take the hat, madam?
- No.
No, I think I'll try on
a pair of shoes instead.
- I see.
Captain Peacock?
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?
- Would you direct madam
to the shoe department?
- Certainly, will you
come this way, madam?
- I'm so sorry we couldn't find anything
to go with your face, madam.
But no doubt you'll try us again.
Awkward cow.
- Mrs. Slocombe?
They've come out.
- I beg your pardon, Mr. Mash?
What have come out?
- The transport, the
trains, buses, the lot.
Look, they're out, traffic chaos.
Out the workers.
- Mr. Rumbold says there'll
be a meeting in his office
at 5:30 today re the transport strike.
- Just us heads of departments,
or the staff as well?
- Oh, everybody.
- Does that include me, then?
- No.
- Isn't it marvelous, eh?
I'm not even everybody, I'm nobody.
- True.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you've all seen the news.
I'm afraid the the transport
situation is very grave.
But I'm proud to say that Grace Brothers
is going to rise to the occasion.
- Are we gonna man the buses, sir?
Mrs. Slocombe will make
a marvelous clippie.
She's got plenty of room on top.
(laughing)
- Don't encourage him, Miss Brahms.
- Now, which of us has cars?
- Oh, dratted, I let
the chauffeur have mine.
- I had an old banger before the war.
- And then Mrs. Grainger
made him give her up.
(audience laughing)
- In those days?
- Mine's off the road being prepared
for my continental touring holiday.
- Oh, going to the Isle
of Wight again, are you?
- Now, is any of us
within walking distance?
- Well, I could be home by the morning
if I set off now.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, it's as I thought, we
are, in a sense, stranded here.
But, fortunately, Mr. Grace
has kindly given his permission
for the employees to spend
the night inside the store.
- Where are we going to sleep?
- On the floor.
- I'm not sleeping on the floor.
- I mean on the department floor,
on whatever bedding or other
devices that we can improvise.
- Can Miss Brahms and I bag the waterbed
on the fourth floor?
- Only if you sleep inside it.
- We're all staying on our own floors.
It's been agreed.
- Yes, but what about privacy?
I mean, we can't all just kick
down like Sodom and Gomorrah.
(audience laughing)
- All's fun in Egham.
(audience laughing)
- I think Mrs. Slocombe has
raised a very valid point.
I think there should be some
separation between the sexes.
- And also within the sexes.
(audience laughing)
- Perhaps the ladies could
sleep in the fitting room.
- Miss Brahms and I are not sleeping
in that pokey hole with no air.
- Well, I'll tell you what,
you kick down with the rest of us,
and I'll get you a
couple of chastity belts
out of the novelty department.
- Just because it's after half past 5:00
doesn't give you carte blanche
to be coarse, Mr. Lucas.
- What we have to do is to improvise.
Now, let's all think very carefully.
Camping.
- I beg your pardon?
(audience laughing)
- Camping.
Were you never in the
scouts, Mr. Humphries?
- Well, not officially, no.
(audience laughing)
- Tents!
We have tents.
- Tents?
Well, if we're going to sleep in tents,
I want one with a stout bolt.
- Mrs. Slocombe, I feel sure I can speak
for all the men here when I
tell you that we will not,
as you seem to suppose,
behave like mad dogs
as soon as the lights are out.
- Here, here.
(audience laughing)
- We're all in this together.
It's up to us to make the best of it, hmm?
Let's see what we can fix up.
Camping equipment, please.
(somber music)
- [Captain Peacock] Put that one up.
- Yeah, well, it won't go.
I can't get it in, you
see, Captain Peacock.
- Do it from inside.
- Yes, all right.
- Get inside.
Hit the spigot into the socket.
- [Mr. Lucas] Oh, I'm sorry.
(audience laughing)
- I can see that you were
never in the army, Mr. Lucas.
- Well, I don't see why I
couldn't have spent the night
in the toy department in Peter Pan's house
with Wendy and the crocodile.
- Are you referring to Wendy
from the gramophone department?
- Oh, do you fancy her as well?
- Oh, Captain Peacock, are you free?
- Yes, Mrs. Slocombe?
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Could I have
your assistance for a moment?
- Certainly.
- There's no curtain at my window.
- I shouldn't worry, Mrs. Slocombe.
I mean, you'll be sleeping on the floor,
and only a very tall
person could see anything,
and even then, he'd
have to stand on tiptoe.
- That's what I was thinking.
- But apart from that, I
mean, one usually finds
that condensation steams up the windows.
- I can assure you, Captain Peacock,
that sleeping on an air
bed under an army blanket,
I'm not likely to get up much steam.
Oh, yes, yes, and there's another thing.
How am I supposed to do
the zip up from inside?
- Well, perhaps the best
thing, Mrs. Slocombe,
would be to get someone else
to zip you up after you're in.
- Yes, but what if, for
some reason or other,
I wanted to leave in a hurry in the night?
- Well, if you think that
sort of emergency might occur,
it might be wiser to leave your zip open.
- Oh, it all seems very primitive.
(audience laughing)
- Yes.
(audience laughing)
(clattering)
- Pajamas, lovely right pajamas.
Get your pajamas for free.
Here you are, fresh pajamas.
Fresh from the Sales Discount Department.
Here you are, Mrs.
Room for you and a friend.
(audience laughing)
- What awful, common things.
Oh, well, I suppose they're
better than nothing.
- I think I'd prefer you in nothing.
- Miss Brahms, our sleepwear has arrived.
- What size are you?
- Oh, not for me, thanks.
I never wear anything in bed.
I don't like rough things next to my skin.
- You're lucky you ain't
got me in there with ya.
(audience laughing)
- You will wear pajamas
tonight, Miss Brahms.
Suppose there was a fire,
and you have no clothes on?
- Oh, I'll be first to be rescued.
(audience laughing)
- Get them on, Miss Brahms.
- I can't wear these, they're men's!
There's a flapper in the front.
- Well, find a safety pin
and wear them the wrong way around.
- Who's in here, then?
- I am.
- [Mr. Humphries] And mind
where you're putting your hands.
- Want some pajamas?
- No, thank you.
- I've made my own
from a friend of mine in
the gentlemens boutique.
- Good night.
Anime I rides again, eh?
(grumbling)
Are you in there, Mr. Grainger, sir?
- Are you all right, Mr. Grainger?
- I'm trying to get my trousers on.
(audience laughing)
(groaning)
It isn't easy, you know?
- Nice pair of pajamas, Mr. Grainger.
- Yes, yes.
(grumbling)
Perhaps it would be more dignified
if I changed in the gentlemens cloak room.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, the things you see when
you haven't got your gun.
(audience laughing)
- Mr. Grainger!
You've left your flap open.
On your tent.
- I don't think that was
very funny, Mr. Lucas.
(laughing)
- Here you are, Captain Peacock,
top quality fashion killers.
- Haven't you got anything
other than stripes?
- Who do you want, then, Pips?
- I think that having
regard for my position
I should have something that makes me look
a little different from the rest.
- Why don't you leave
the trousers off, then?
Sorry, Captain Peacock.
I'll see if I can find
you something else, then.
- [Captain Peacock] Yes, do.
(tent clattering)
- Oh, blimey, I'll be quicker to pinch
one of Mrs. Slocombe's bras
and sling it up with a hammer.
- It's the last pair, Mr. Lucas.
- Oh, great.
(audience laughing)
What am I supposed to do with these?
- Now how did that get in there?
The leg must have come
from the window display.
- The window display?
How many one-legged
men go window shopping?
- No, it's the bed advert, you see.
The He-dummy was getting
out one side of the bed,
and the She-dummy was getting
out the other side of the bed,
and they used one pair of
pajamas for two, you see?
- But I can't wear these in mixed company.
- Well, all you do is, you
put both legs down there,
and you hop into bed.
(laughing)
(Miss Brahms screaming)
- Eh, what's your game?
- I'm sorry, Miss Brahms,
I was under the impression
that this was where I was
supposed to be sleeping.
- Not on your nelly, Captain Peacock.
- You were supposed to be
in the big tent with Mrs. Slocombe.
- Well, then, you take it up
with her, and you better knock.
- By the way, Miss Brahms,
your pajamas should be on
the other way around.
- Look, you do your thing your way,
and I'll do my thing my way.
(audience laughing)
Ahem.
(knocking on tent)
(Mrs. Slocombe blowing raspberry)
Mrs. Slocombe?
(Mrs. Slocombe blowing raspberry)
Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Just a
minute, Captain Peacock.
- I can come back later.
(Mrs. Slocombe snorting)
Or not at all.
- [Mrs. Slocombe] It's all right.
I've got the stopper in it.
- Why me?
- I was blowing up my air bed,
and it takes puff after puff after puff.
- Can I help anybody?
(audience laughing)
- No, thank you, Mr.
Humphries, I've managed.
- Mrs. Slocombe, what is Miss
Brahms doing in that tent?
- Knowing you I'm surprised
you haven't looked.
- He has, and I was putting on me pajamas.
- Captain Peacock.
- The point is, Mrs.
Slocombe, that this large tent
is for yourself and Miss Brahms.
- There's going to be no one in my boudoir
when I blow out the candle.
- I have no other accommodation.
Where am I supposed to biverwhack?
- I don't care, whack,
it's nothing to do with me.
- [Mr. Mash] Here, grab
the case, boys, here.
- What on earth is that, Mr. Mash?
- Did you get down it?
This is a bed, Captain Peacock.
Mr. Rumbold ordered it.
- How very thoughtful of him.
- Not there, Mr. Mash.
- Well, it wouldn't go
through your office door, sir.
- I can't sleep out here with the staff.
- You can't sleep out here with the staff?
- Of course I can sleep
out here with the staff.
(laughing)
Don't be silly.
Now, how does this thing work?
- Oh, well, you pull this down, see, sir.
Undo the bolt like that, see?
Pull it down.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Get the little legs down there, see?
That's the way, yeah.
Look, look, nice little bed there.
You see, really, it should be screwed
to the bedroom wall, sir, you see?
So when your bird's
father knocks at the door,
you press the button
and she goes up the wall
instead of him, you see?
(laughing)
- That will do, Mr. Mash.
- An ingenious device, is it not?
- Yes, most ingenious.
- Quite roomy.
- Yes, well, it is sold as a small double.
- It might help to solve a
slight problem we have, sir.
- What problem?
- Miss Brahms refuses to leave my tent.
- Have you tried persuading her?
- Yes, she was quite adamant.
- Well, you're quite right
to tell me, of course.
What you do after hours in normal times
is entirely your own affair.
But you can hardly go through with this
under our very noses, so to speak.
- I think you may have,
sir, what might be termed
the wrong end of the stick.
- Have I?
- Yes, sir.
- I had arranged for Mrs.
Slocombe to have that large tent
because I was quite sure that
she would be willing to share.
To my surprise, she wouldn't hear of it.
- Do you suppose she has heard
about you and Miss Brahms?
- I was trying to get Miss
Brahms and Mrs. Slocombe
together in the same tent.
- What, all three of you?
(audience laughing)
- No, sir, I don't want
to share with the ladies.
- Oh, good.
- I want to share with you.
♫ Keep the home fires burning
♫ While your hearts are yearning
♫ Though your lads are far away
♫ They dream of home
♫ There's a silver lining
♫ Through the dark clouds shining
♫ Turn the dark clouds inside out
♫ 'Til the boys come home
(audience applauding)
- Very good was that.
- That was wonderful, Mr. Rumbold.
Didn't you think so, Captain Peacock?
- Oh, yes, it brought
back memories of the army,
and the lads, the heat, the sunsets,
the endless shifting sands.
- How long were you at Bognor
Regis, Captain Peacock?
- Mr. Lucas, when you were at school,
I was with some of the
toughest soldiers in the world
chasing Rommel through the deserts.
- Some people have all the luck.
(audience laughing)
- Yes, Lucas, some people seem to forget
that men like Captain Peacock and myself
were instrumental in making this a country
fit for heroes to live in.
- What were you in, then, Mr. Rumbold?
- Catering Corps.
- The NAAFI?
- Not the NAAFI, Mr. Lucas.
The Catering Corps was a very
important part of the service.
The army marched on its stomach, remember.
- I suppose they couldn't walk
upright for the indigestion.
- Unfortunately, Captain Peacock,
these youngsters seem to
forget what we went through.
- Were you in the NAAFI, Mrs. Slocombe?
- No, of course I was
a mere slip of a girl.
But I was in Air Raid Precautions.
In fact, that's how I met my
husband, during an air raid.
The bombs were raining down,
and I saw his face lit by an incendiary.
He threw me on my face and said,
"Look out, here comes a big one."
(audience laughing)
- I suppose there wasn't
much time for chatting
in those days.
- And when it had gone off,
we headed for the nearest shelter,
and it was then I knew that
it was love at first sight.
- The first bomb site you come to.
- Oh, you have such a nasty mind.
- Where were you when all this
was happening, Mr. Grainger?
- I was in ENSA, entertaining the troops.
- What does ENSA stand for?
- Every night something awful happens.
- You did a grand job, you ENSA chaps.
- Thank you, yes.
I used to do impersonations, you know?
I called myself Whimsical Willie.
I did impersonations
of Hitler, and Gerding,
and Goebbels, and von
Ribbentrop, and Lord Haw-Haw.
- Whose side were you on?
- Well, I used to do
Mr. Churchill, as well.
- Do your Lord Haw-Haw
for us, Mr. Grainger.
He was the one who used to
broadcast propaganda to England.
- Well, I don't know if I can.
It was so many years ago, you know?
The last time I did it was
at a concert in Tobruk.
Germany calling, Germany calling.
You English have no
chance of winning the war.
The German army is invincible.
- Oh, life-like.
(audience laughing)
It sent shivers up your spine.
- And then I used to do Mr.
Winston Churchill, you know?
We will fight on the beaches.
We will fight on the landing grounds.
We will fight in the
streets, and in the villages,
but we will never surrender.
Give us the tools, and
we will finish the job.
And then I used to raise my hat.
- I think you were very
brave, Mr. Grainger.
- With an act like that, he had to be.
- Of course, I wasn't around
when all this was going on.
- Where were you, then?
- I wasn't born.
But it was the war that brought
my mother and father together.
We've still got pictures
of him with his black face
running up the beach.
- What was he, the
first illegal immigrant?
(audience laughing)
- He was a commando.
- Oh, the toughest.
- Absolutely ruthless.
- My mom found him in her bicycle shed.
He was on a training exercise nip switch.
"What are you doing?" she says.
"Looking for the jerry." he said.
So she took him indoors
and showed him upstairs.
And, well, they just sort of clicked.
- Isn't that romantic?
You know, I'm sorry I
missed all that, really.
Still, no matter what happens,
even in spite of me pierced
eardrums and me flat feet,
whatever happens, I'll be there
at the front the next time.
- Dressed as a woman with a
ticket for Sweden, no doubt.
- Well, I think it's time for lights out.
It's been a most enjoyable evening.
Just like the old boy scout jamborees.
- Yes, it's only half past 10:00.
- Shall I put the
campfire out, Mr. Rumbold?
- Oh, yes, we don't
want to take any risks.
- Oh, Grainger was having
one of his cat naps again.
Somebody better wake him
up, it's time to go to bed.
- [Captain Peacock] Mr. Humphries.
- [Mr. Humphries] Are
you free, Mr. Grainger?
- Yes, yes.
(audience laughing)
- Goodnight, Mr. Grainger.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight everybody.
- Goodnight.
- Hey, Shirley, fancy a game of ping-pong
in the sports department?
- No, thank you.
- How about sardines in soft furnishings?
- Get in your tent and zip yourself up.
- Would you like me to go to the library
and get you a copy of
"The Sensuous Woman"?
Two copies?
- Has anybody set the
alarm for tomorrow morning?
- I've set the burglar alarm for tonight.
- I hope you catch one.
- After you, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- I'm gonna keep my socks
on, if you don't mind.
- Not at all, sir.
(trumpeting)
That's enough, Mr. Lucas.
- Goodnight, Mrs. Slocombe.
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Are
you standing on tiptoe?
- No, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Oh.
(audience laughing)
(buzzing)
- [Mrs. Slocombe] Oh, drat it.
There goes me stopper.
(audience laughing)
- Fire, fire!
Fire!
(audience laughing)
Well, that's dampened it down a bit.
Goodnight, Mr. Humphries.
- Goodnight, Mr. Lucas.
- [Mr. Humphries] I won't come out.
I've just put cream on me face.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, just think, those teeth
once did Winston Churchill.
Goodnight, Mr. Grainger.
(Mr. Grainger mumbling)
Don't bother.
(audience laughing)
- You're not going to read,
are you, Captain Peacock?
- No, sir.
- Can you get rid of that thing?
- What thing?
- The light.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- There's nothing on my side.
- Oh, damn, it must be on mine.
Mr. Lucas, you're not in bed yet.
- I'm just going, sir.
- [Mr. Rumbold] Turn this
light out for us, will you?
- Certainly, sir.
- Not the lever.
- Oh!
(audience laughing)
(cash register ringing)
♫ Ground floor
♫ Perfumery, stationary, and leather goods
♫ Wigs and haberdashery,
kitchenware and food
♫ Going up
♫ First floor
♫ Telephones, gents ready made suits
♫ Shirts, socks, ties,
hats, underwear, and shoes
♫ Going up
♫ Second floor
♫ Carpets, travel goods, and bedding
♫ Materials, soft furnishings,
restaurants, and jeans
♫ Going down
(audience applauding)