Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 15 - Mega-Mall of Horrors - full transcript
One night, a bright and glittering shopping mall mysteriously appears in Riverdale. Encouraged by the mall manager, who gives them exclusive individualized credit cards, Archie and the gang quickly become obsessed with the shopping mall. They begin to disappear one by one as they max out their new credit cards. Can Archie and Jughead stop the mall manager's evil scheme before there are no more teens left in Riverdale?
Announcer:
THE MEGA-MALL OF HORRORS!
WHAT GREEDY, SINISTER FORCE
LURKS BEHIND THE SHINY COUNTERS?
RIVERDALE'S TEENAGERS
CAME TO BUY,
BUT NOW THEY'RE PAYING
THE ULTIMATE PRICE.
THE MEGA-MALL OF HORRORS!
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
[ELECTRICITY HUMS]
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
Veronica:
IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLE.
I MEAN, THAT ONE PERSON
COULD BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE CONSUMPTION
OF SO MANY HAMBURGERS.
IT MAKES YOU WONDER
IF MAMA BURGERS
TELL STORIES
ABOUT JUGHEAD
TO BABY BURGERS
TO GET THEM
TO BEHAVE.
"YOU BETTER BE GOOD,
OR THE JUGHEAD WILL
EAT YOU UP."
[BETTY AND VERONICA LAUGH]
I THINK THIS IS
HIS FOURTH BURGER.
IT'S HIS FIFTH.
THIS WILL BE HIS SIXTH.
THANKS, POP.
CAN I GET YOU KIDS
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THANK YOU.
AS TASTY AS THEY ARE,
ONE BURGER'S PLENTY
FOR ME.
TASTY?! THEY'RE A WORK OF ART
IN BEEF AND BUN.
THEY'RE ALL THAT'S RIGHT
IN THE WORLD
SLATHERED IN KETCHUP
AND SERVED WITH A PICKLE.
EVERY TIME I TAKE A BITE,
I'M REMINDED
OF LIFE'S BLESSINGS--
FRIENDSHIP,
SMALL-TOWN VALUES,
ONION SLICES!
JUGHEAD, YOU'RE A POET
AND...
[SNIFFLE]
MY BEST CUSTOMER.
HA HA HA HA!
SAY, DID ANYONE HEAR
ANYTHING WEIRD LAST NIGHT?
I THOUGHT I HEARD MUSIC
COMING FROM EVERYWHERE.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS!
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S--IT'S...
Archie: MALLHALLA?!
Reggie: IT'S WHERE
ALL GREAT SHOPPERS GO
FOR THEIR JUST REWARDS.
I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERY MALL
IN THIS TIME ZONE.
JUST DON'T STAND THERE,
ARCHIE.
WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD,
THE WEIRD GO SHOPPING.
Veronica: I'VE DIED
AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
Betty: THERE'S GOTTA BE
EVERY KIND OF STORE
THERE IS IN HERE.
THERE'S
JUST ONE PROBLEM.
I'M BROKE.
ME, TOO.
THE BABY-SITTING
BUSINESS
HAS CRAWLED
TO A STANDSTILL
LATELY.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
MY ALLOWANCE
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
DADDY TOOK AWAY
ALL MY CREDIT CARDS,
EVEN THE ONE
I USE TO PAY OFF
THE OTHER ONES WITH.
[MECHANISM
CLICKS, WHIRS]
HUH?
HUH?
[ALL GASP]
I COULDN'T HELP
BUT OVERHEAR.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF.
"CALVIN GIANNI
AVARICCI,
GENERAL MANAGER
OF MALLHALLA."
YOU'RE THE MALL'S
MAIN MAN?
INDEED. AND THAT PUTS ME
IN THE UNIQUE POSITION
TO HELP YOU OUT OF YOUR
FINANCIAL PREDICAMENT.
YOU GONNA VALIDATE
OUR PARKING?
HARDLY. WHAT I OFFER ARE...
THESE!
MALLHALLA CHARGE CARDS.
GOOD AS GOLD
IN ANY OF OUR FINE STORES.
TAKE ONE. THEY SAY
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS,
BUT THESE CARDS CAN.
MISTER,
YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.
HEY, MY NAME'S
ALREADY ON IT.
AS THE MANAGER,
I MAKE IT A POINT TO KNOW
ALL ABOUT MY CUSTOMERS.
ARCHIE ANDREWS.
JUGHEAD JONES.
BETTY COOPER.
VERONICA LODGE.
YOU'RE JUST
GIVING THEM AWAY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
WE'LL PAY YOU BACK?
THE PATRONS OF MALLHALLA
ALWAYS PAY.
NOW GO BUY ALL YOU WANT.
GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.
GO! BUY!
Archie: WHY WOULD HE
JUST GIVE THEM TO US?
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY...
Reggie:
HOLY GUACAMOLE!
WHOA, BABY!
COME TO REGGIE!
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS,
BUT LOOK AT ALL THOSE
KNOBS AND DIALS.
IT LOOKS
REALLY EXPENSIVE.
WHO CARES?
I'VE GOT THIS.
Veronica: WELL,
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
MY REPORTER'S
INSTINCT TELLS ME
THERE'S
SOMETHING ODD
GOING ON HERE.
Veronica: WELL,
MY INSTINCTS DETECT A RACK
LOADED WITH OODLES
OF DESIGNER CLOTHES.
I'M GOING TO VERA WHIM-WHAM'S.
I LOVE HER STUFF.
I'M GONNA CHECK OUT
MAMA GAIA'S ENVIRONMART.
I WON'T BE
DROPPING A BUNDLE.
I'LL BE HELPING
THE EARTH.
TYPICAL. NO SELF-CONTROL.
MESMERIZED
BY SHINY NEW STUFF.
YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT.
WHOA! CHECK IT OUT!
THE ARCANE DEPOT.
LOOK AT THAT!
A WEREWOLF'S FLEA COLLAR.
A UFO'S AIR-SICKNESS BAG!
THIS IS JUST THE STUFF
I NEED FOR MY COLUMN
FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.
COME ON--WHOA!
Avaricci:
BEAUTIFUL, IS IT NOT?
MR. AVARICCI?!
YOU WORK HERE?
I POP UP
WHERE I'M NEEDED.
I SEE YOU'VE
TAKEN A SHINE
TO THE WIREHEAD 3,000.
IT HAS A SATELLITE TV,
CELL PHONE,
AND VIDEO GAME PLAYER
ALL BUILT IN.
AND AN EGG TIMER.
AWESOME! I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT COSTS.
I GOTTA HAVE IT.
I WAS HOPING
YOU'D SAY THAT.
LOOK AT THIS!
AN ANCIENT STREET ATLAS
TO THE LOST CITY
OF ATLANTIS.
IT'S GENUINE.
SEE? IT'S STILL WET.
WELL, I BOUGHT
THIS VERY EXPENSIVE
DESIGNER SWEATER.
LUCKILY, IT CAME
IN THE COLOR
I LOOK BEST IN.
ALL OF THEM.
I GOT THIS EARTH-FRIENDLY
BACKPACK.
IT'S MADE OUT OF TREE BARK.
WHEN IT GETS WORN OUT,
YOU JUST FEED IT
TO AN ELEPHANT.
IF YOU'RE ALL DONE
THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY,
CAN WE GO HOME NOW?
I WON'T LET
JUGHEAD SPOIL
MY SHOPPING SPIRIT.
WE'RE HELPING
THE ECONOMY.
LET'S HELP IT
SOME MORE TOMORROW.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
FORGETTING SOMETHING.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
WHAT?
HUH?
OH!
WHAT?
IT MUST BE
YOUR IMAGINATION.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
WHAT COULD WE
POSSIBLY BE
FORGETTING?
Archie: DOES ANYBODY NOTICE
ANYTHING WEIRD GOING ON HERE?
ARCHIE-KINS,
WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?
JUST LOOK AROUND.
Jughead: BY WEIRD, DO YOU
MEAN THAT SINCE MALLHALLA
OPENED 2 WEEKS AGO,
WE HAVE THE BEST-DRESSED
STUDENT BODY IN THE COUNTRY...
OR THAT THERE'S
MORE ELECTRONIC GEAR
AROUND HERE THAN NASA?
NO. THAT I UNDERSTAND.
MALLHALLA
IS REALLY POPULAR.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS WHY THERE SEEMS TO BE
FEWER KIDS IN SCHOOL.
YEAH.
THERE ARE EMPTY SEATS
IN ALL THE CLASSES.
AND THE HALLS SEEM
LESS CROWDED.
AND THE LINES AT LUNCH
ARE SHORTER.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
NEVER MIND THAT.
IT'S FRIDAY!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
TO CELEBRATE?
LET'S SEE:
THEY'RE RUNNING
THE RIVERDALE 500 CAR RACE,
THE MISS TEEN UNIVERSE
PAGEANT IS BEING HELD
AT CITY HALL,
AND A WORLD-FAMOUS ROCK BAND
IS FILMING A VIDEO
AND NEEDS SOME KIDS
FOR EXTRAS.
LET'S GO
TO THE MALL!
LET'S GO
TO THE MALL!
[GROANS]
SO, JUGHEAD, ARE YOU
FINALLY GOING TO BUY
SOMETHING THIS TRIP?
NOT UNTIL I SEE SOMETHING
I--HEY, ARCHIE, PULL OVER!
POP! LONG TIME NO SEE.
HEY, YOU KIDS,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
COME ON. I'LL FIX YOU UP
SOME BURGERS.
Archie: NO CAN DO, POP.
WE'RE GOING TO MALLHALLA.
THAT DARN MALL! IT'S
STEALING CUSTOMERS AWAY
FROM ALL THE LOCAL STORES.
GEE, I'D REALLY LIKE
A BURGER.
♪ AHHHHH
HUH?
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC
PLAYS]
WE HAVE TO GO
TO MALLHALLA.
MALLHALLA?!
WHAT'S THAT PLACE GOT
THAT I HAVEN'T GOT...
BESIDES CUSTOMERS?
OH! A MUMMY SCARAB!
GOTTA HAVE IT!
OOH! GOTTA HAVE IT!
THIS IS--UNH--
EVERYTHING
I'VE EVER WANTED.
WHOO!
[DING DING]
YES,
MISS COOPER.
[GASPS]
OH, IT'S YOU,
MR. AVARICCI.
I SEE YOU FOUND OUR FOSSILIZED
MASTODON'S FOOTPRINT BIRDBATH.
IT'S ONE OF OUR
BIGGEST SELLERS,
DESPITE ITS, HEH,
HEAVY PRICE TAG.
IT ISEXPENSIVE,
BUT IT MAKES SUCH
AN IMPRESSION. HERE.
OH, I'M AFRAID YOUR CARD
HAS REACHED ITS LIMIT.
REALLY?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO PAY!
YET ANOTHER SHOPPING
CONQUEST.
THANK YOU, MALLHALLA,
FOR LETTING ME BE
ALL THAT I CAN BE.
AND I GOT ANOTHER
MUMMY SCARAB.
NOW I HAVE
3...DOZEN.
MORE STUFF AND NONSENSE.
IF YOU'RE DONE,
CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?
YOU KNOW, JUGHEAD,
YOU MIGHT ENJOY
THESE SHOPPING TRIPS
A LITTLE MORE
IF YOU ACTUALLY DID
SOME SHOPPING.
YOU TWO DO ENOUGH
WITHOUT MY HELP.
WAIT. I'M GETTING
THAT CREEPY FEELING
AGAIN--
LIKE WE'RE FORGETTING
SOMETHING.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC
PLAYS]
I MUST BE IMAGINING
AGAIN.
ARCHIE,
LOOK AT THAT MANNEQUIN
OVER IN THAT WINDOW.
YEAH,
WHAT ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S THAT OUTFIT.
I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT.
YOU BOYS WAIT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SHE'S DETERMINED TO SHOP
UNTIL I DROP.
OOH! IT FITS LIKE
IT WAS MADE JUST FOR ME.
I'LL TAKE IT.
Avaricci: I'M AFRAID
THERE'S A PROBLEM.
YOU'RE OVERDRAWN!
[GASP]
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO PAY!
MAN, HOW LONG IS
THIS GOING TO TAKE?
YEAH, HOW LONG?
ARCHIE, WHAT AREWE
WAITING FOR?
YOU KNOW,
WE'RE WAITING FOR...
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
LET'S GO.
Archie: I HAD
THE NICEST DREAM
LAST NIGHT.
I DREAMT I WENT TO
A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL--
YOU KNOW, ONE THAT ACTUALLY
HAD SOME STUDENTS IN IT.
IT WAS GREAT.
THERE WERE MORE KIDS
THAN TEACHERS,
AND THERE WERE THESE
2 GORGEOUS GIRLS WHO
WERE CRAZY ABOUT ME.
A BLONDE ANDA BRUNETTE.
SOME DREAM.
ARCHIE, WHY DO YOU
SUPPOSE THEY BUILT
ALL THESE CLASSROOMS
AND LOCKERS AND STUFF
WHEN THERE'S NO KIDS
TO USE 'EM?
IT'S BECAUSE...
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE--
♪ AHHHHH
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
HEY, THERE'S SOMEPLACE
I WANNA GO AFTER SCHOOL.
Jughead:
LET ME GUESS WHERE.
Avaricci:
BEAUTIFUL, IS IT NOT?
WORKING HERE TODAY,
MR. AVARICCI?
SEEMS MY WORK IS NEVER DONE.
THIS CRYSTAL BALL--
GOTTA HAVE IT.
THEY SAY YOU'LL FIND
THE TRUTH INSIDE.
HUH?
HUH?
AAAAAAH!
THAT'S...THAT'S...
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
THE UGLIEST HAT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
JUGHEAD JONES,
COME WITH ME.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU KNOW,
OF ALL MY CUSTOMERS,
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I'VE FAILED TO REACH.
IN ALL YOUR TRIPS HERE,
YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT
A SINGLE THING.
THERE'S JUST NOTHIN'
THAT I WANT.
UNTIL NOW!
[JUGHEAD GASPS]
TAKE A LOOK--
TOSTADAS,
GYROS,
FALAFELS,
PITAS,
BABA GHANOUSH!
GO ON.
IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT!
GO ON.
IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT!
JUGHEAD.
POP? WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I BROUGHT YA SOMETHING.
IT'S THE LAST HAMBURGER
I'LL EVER MAKE.
IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT
YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.
HUH?
GRR!
THANKS
TO THIS DARN MALL,
I'VE LOST
ALL MY CUSTOMERS.
THE CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE'S
GOIN' OUT OF BUSINESS.
POP, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THAT'S PROGRESS,
OLD MAN.
NOW RUN ALONG--
HEY!
LEAVE HIM BE!
IT'S OK. I HAVE TO GO.
THE OTHER DOWNTOWN MERCHANTS
ARE THROWING ME A GOIN'-
OUT-OF-BUSINESS PARTY.
MARK MY WORDS,
THANKS TO MALLHALLA,
IT WON'T BE THE LAST.
DON'T LET THAT SOB STORY
RUIN YOUR APPETITE.
LOOK--FAST FOOD
FROM THE 4 CORNERS
OF THE EARTH.
♪ AHHHHH
TASTE, BITE, CONSUME,
BUY SOME MORE.
YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
OHH!
SEE THIS BURGER?
IT'S ALL THAT'S RIGHT
IN THE WORLD,
SLATHERED IN KETCHUP
AND SERVED WITH A PICKLE.
EVERY TIME
I TAKE A BITE...
I'M REMINDED
OF LIFE'S BLESSINGS--
FRIENDSHIP...
SMALL-TOWN VALUES...
ONION SLICES!
[GOBBLING NOISES]
I DON'T WANT
YOUR FANCY-SCHMANCY FOOD,
AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK
OF YOUR MALL!
♪ AHHHHH
YAAAAH!
YAAAAH!
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
MY FRIENDS, THEY'VE ALL
BEEN TURNED TO DUMMIES!
BY YOU!
YOUR DEFIANCE
HAS BROKEN THE SPELL!
THE TOWN WILL SOON
REMEMBER ITS MISSING TEENS!
WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU?!
THE MOST SELFISH
SHOP-AHOLIC
THAT EVER LIVED!
WHEN I HAD NO MONEY
LEFT,
I SOLD MY SOUL
FOR MORE! MORE! MORE!
ALWAYS MORE!
NOW I'M BOUND
TO THIS MALL,
FORCED TO CORRUPT
THE SOULS OF INNOCENTS,
OR PAY THE ULTIMATE
BILL...MYSELF!
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
USE MY PALS TO SETTLE
YOUR DEBT!
[STEAM HISSES]
WHOA!
[GROWL]
OH, NO?
LIKE AN OVERDUE BILL,
I WON'T GO AWAY!
[STRAINING]
ARCHIE!
YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!
AVARICCI'S
A MONSTER!
[GROWLING]
NO! LEAVE
THAT CARD ALONE!
AHA! IT ALL STARTED
WITH THESE CARDS!
ARCHIE?
JUGHEAD,
YOU SAVED ME!
I COULD SEE AND HEAR,
BUT I COULDN'T MOVE!
WE GOTTA RESCUE
BETTY AND VERONICA,
AND THEN THE OTHERS,
AND THEN GO--
[POUNDING]
UH, ARCHIE?
HUH?
AAAAH!
[GROWLING]
I FOUND HER CARD!
ARCHIE, JUGHEAD!
MY HEROES!
YOU RESCUED ME!
WE SHOULD KISS!
Jughead: NOT NOW!
AVARICCI'S COMING! HIDE!
[ROAR]
[WHEELS SQUEAK]
Kids: WHOA!
YOU GUYS FREE
THE OTHER KIDS!
I'LL DISTRACT
AVARICCI! QUICK!
[GROWLING]
OK, JUGHEAD,
JUST REMEMBER,
THIS IS FOR POP TATE
AND THE CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE.
I SEE PARIS,
I SEE FRANCE,
I SEE GREEDY'S
UNDERPANTS!
[ROAR]
HURRY!
EVERYBODY OUT! MOVE IT!
COME ON, JUGHEAD!
I DON'T THINK HE CAN
LEAVE THE BUILDING!
UHH!
HELP!
A LITTLE HELP
HERE!
[ROAR]
I'LL HAVE YOU YET,
MR. JONES!
EVERYBODY...PULL!
[EVERYONE STRAINING]
UH!
UH!
UH!
COME BACK, KIDS!
I'LL GIVE YOU THINGS
YOU WANT!
NEW AND SHINY THINGS,
50% OFF!
NO!
COME BAAAACK!
[GASP]
[GASP]
[KIDS SCREAMING]
I GUESS MR. AVARICCI'S
THE MANAGER OF
AN UNDERGROUND MALL NOW.
WAY, WAY UNDERGROUND.
YEAH, AND IF WE DON'T
GET GREEDY,
MAYBE HE'LL STAY THERE.
POP! LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
BUSINESS
IS BOOMING,
THANKS TO THE RETURN
OF YOU KIDS!
AND MY BEST CUSTOMER!
Archie: "IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
IT WAS POP'S BURGERS
"THAT ENDED
OUR RECKLESS SPENDING SPREE
"AND REMINDED US ALL THAT,
WHILE SHOPPING CAN BE FUN,
"YOU SHOULDN'T
GET CARRIED AWAY.
"AFTER ALL, YOU CAN'T BUY
THE THINGS THAT ARE
MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE--
"THINGS LIKE THE FRIENDSHIP
AND LOYALTY YOU FIND...
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE."
THE MEGA-MALL OF HORRORS!
WHAT GREEDY, SINISTER FORCE
LURKS BEHIND THE SHINY COUNTERS?
RIVERDALE'S TEENAGERS
CAME TO BUY,
BUT NOW THEY'RE PAYING
THE ULTIMATE PRICE.
THE MEGA-MALL OF HORRORS!
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
[ELECTRICITY HUMS]
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
Veronica:
IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLE.
I MEAN, THAT ONE PERSON
COULD BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE CONSUMPTION
OF SO MANY HAMBURGERS.
IT MAKES YOU WONDER
IF MAMA BURGERS
TELL STORIES
ABOUT JUGHEAD
TO BABY BURGERS
TO GET THEM
TO BEHAVE.
"YOU BETTER BE GOOD,
OR THE JUGHEAD WILL
EAT YOU UP."
[BETTY AND VERONICA LAUGH]
I THINK THIS IS
HIS FOURTH BURGER.
IT'S HIS FIFTH.
THIS WILL BE HIS SIXTH.
THANKS, POP.
CAN I GET YOU KIDS
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO, THANK YOU.
AS TASTY AS THEY ARE,
ONE BURGER'S PLENTY
FOR ME.
TASTY?! THEY'RE A WORK OF ART
IN BEEF AND BUN.
THEY'RE ALL THAT'S RIGHT
IN THE WORLD
SLATHERED IN KETCHUP
AND SERVED WITH A PICKLE.
EVERY TIME I TAKE A BITE,
I'M REMINDED
OF LIFE'S BLESSINGS--
FRIENDSHIP,
SMALL-TOWN VALUES,
ONION SLICES!
JUGHEAD, YOU'RE A POET
AND...
[SNIFFLE]
MY BEST CUSTOMER.
HA HA HA HA!
SAY, DID ANYONE HEAR
ANYTHING WEIRD LAST NIGHT?
I THOUGHT I HEARD MUSIC
COMING FROM EVERYWHERE.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS!
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S--IT'S...
Archie: MALLHALLA?!
Reggie: IT'S WHERE
ALL GREAT SHOPPERS GO
FOR THEIR JUST REWARDS.
I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERY MALL
IN THIS TIME ZONE.
JUST DON'T STAND THERE,
ARCHIE.
WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD,
THE WEIRD GO SHOPPING.
Veronica: I'VE DIED
AND GONE TO HEAVEN.
Betty: THERE'S GOTTA BE
EVERY KIND OF STORE
THERE IS IN HERE.
THERE'S
JUST ONE PROBLEM.
I'M BROKE.
ME, TOO.
THE BABY-SITTING
BUSINESS
HAS CRAWLED
TO A STANDSTILL
LATELY.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
MY ALLOWANCE
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
DADDY TOOK AWAY
ALL MY CREDIT CARDS,
EVEN THE ONE
I USE TO PAY OFF
THE OTHER ONES WITH.
[MECHANISM
CLICKS, WHIRS]
HUH?
HUH?
[ALL GASP]
I COULDN'T HELP
BUT OVERHEAR.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF.
"CALVIN GIANNI
AVARICCI,
GENERAL MANAGER
OF MALLHALLA."
YOU'RE THE MALL'S
MAIN MAN?
INDEED. AND THAT PUTS ME
IN THE UNIQUE POSITION
TO HELP YOU OUT OF YOUR
FINANCIAL PREDICAMENT.
YOU GONNA VALIDATE
OUR PARKING?
HARDLY. WHAT I OFFER ARE...
THESE!
MALLHALLA CHARGE CARDS.
GOOD AS GOLD
IN ANY OF OUR FINE STORES.
TAKE ONE. THEY SAY
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS,
BUT THESE CARDS CAN.
MISTER,
YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.
HEY, MY NAME'S
ALREADY ON IT.
AS THE MANAGER,
I MAKE IT A POINT TO KNOW
ALL ABOUT MY CUSTOMERS.
ARCHIE ANDREWS.
JUGHEAD JONES.
BETTY COOPER.
VERONICA LODGE.
YOU'RE JUST
GIVING THEM AWAY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
WE'LL PAY YOU BACK?
THE PATRONS OF MALLHALLA
ALWAYS PAY.
NOW GO BUY ALL YOU WANT.
GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.
GO! BUY!
Archie: WHY WOULD HE
JUST GIVE THEM TO US?
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY...
Reggie:
HOLY GUACAMOLE!
WHOA, BABY!
COME TO REGGIE!
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS,
BUT LOOK AT ALL THOSE
KNOBS AND DIALS.
IT LOOKS
REALLY EXPENSIVE.
WHO CARES?
I'VE GOT THIS.
Veronica: WELL,
WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
I DON'T KNOW.
MY REPORTER'S
INSTINCT TELLS ME
THERE'S
SOMETHING ODD
GOING ON HERE.
Veronica: WELL,
MY INSTINCTS DETECT A RACK
LOADED WITH OODLES
OF DESIGNER CLOTHES.
I'M GOING TO VERA WHIM-WHAM'S.
I LOVE HER STUFF.
I'M GONNA CHECK OUT
MAMA GAIA'S ENVIRONMART.
I WON'T BE
DROPPING A BUNDLE.
I'LL BE HELPING
THE EARTH.
TYPICAL. NO SELF-CONTROL.
MESMERIZED
BY SHINY NEW STUFF.
YOU'VE GOT THAT RIGHT.
WHOA! CHECK IT OUT!
THE ARCANE DEPOT.
LOOK AT THAT!
A WEREWOLF'S FLEA COLLAR.
A UFO'S AIR-SICKNESS BAG!
THIS IS JUST THE STUFF
I NEED FOR MY COLUMN
FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.
COME ON--WHOA!
Avaricci:
BEAUTIFUL, IS IT NOT?
MR. AVARICCI?!
YOU WORK HERE?
I POP UP
WHERE I'M NEEDED.
I SEE YOU'VE
TAKEN A SHINE
TO THE WIREHEAD 3,000.
IT HAS A SATELLITE TV,
CELL PHONE,
AND VIDEO GAME PLAYER
ALL BUILT IN.
AND AN EGG TIMER.
AWESOME! I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT COSTS.
I GOTTA HAVE IT.
I WAS HOPING
YOU'D SAY THAT.
LOOK AT THIS!
AN ANCIENT STREET ATLAS
TO THE LOST CITY
OF ATLANTIS.
IT'S GENUINE.
SEE? IT'S STILL WET.
WELL, I BOUGHT
THIS VERY EXPENSIVE
DESIGNER SWEATER.
LUCKILY, IT CAME
IN THE COLOR
I LOOK BEST IN.
ALL OF THEM.
I GOT THIS EARTH-FRIENDLY
BACKPACK.
IT'S MADE OUT OF TREE BARK.
WHEN IT GETS WORN OUT,
YOU JUST FEED IT
TO AN ELEPHANT.
IF YOU'RE ALL DONE
THROWING YOUR MONEY AWAY,
CAN WE GO HOME NOW?
I WON'T LET
JUGHEAD SPOIL
MY SHOPPING SPIRIT.
WE'RE HELPING
THE ECONOMY.
LET'S HELP IT
SOME MORE TOMORROW.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE
FORGETTING SOMETHING.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
WHAT?
HUH?
OH!
WHAT?
IT MUST BE
YOUR IMAGINATION.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
WHAT COULD WE
POSSIBLY BE
FORGETTING?
Archie: DOES ANYBODY NOTICE
ANYTHING WEIRD GOING ON HERE?
ARCHIE-KINS,
WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?
JUST LOOK AROUND.
Jughead: BY WEIRD, DO YOU
MEAN THAT SINCE MALLHALLA
OPENED 2 WEEKS AGO,
WE HAVE THE BEST-DRESSED
STUDENT BODY IN THE COUNTRY...
OR THAT THERE'S
MORE ELECTRONIC GEAR
AROUND HERE THAN NASA?
NO. THAT I UNDERSTAND.
MALLHALLA
IS REALLY POPULAR.
WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IS WHY THERE SEEMS TO BE
FEWER KIDS IN SCHOOL.
YEAH.
THERE ARE EMPTY SEATS
IN ALL THE CLASSES.
AND THE HALLS SEEM
LESS CROWDED.
AND THE LINES AT LUNCH
ARE SHORTER.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
NEVER MIND THAT.
IT'S FRIDAY!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
TO CELEBRATE?
LET'S SEE:
THEY'RE RUNNING
THE RIVERDALE 500 CAR RACE,
THE MISS TEEN UNIVERSE
PAGEANT IS BEING HELD
AT CITY HALL,
AND A WORLD-FAMOUS ROCK BAND
IS FILMING A VIDEO
AND NEEDS SOME KIDS
FOR EXTRAS.
LET'S GO
TO THE MALL!
LET'S GO
TO THE MALL!
[GROANS]
SO, JUGHEAD, ARE YOU
FINALLY GOING TO BUY
SOMETHING THIS TRIP?
NOT UNTIL I SEE SOMETHING
I--HEY, ARCHIE, PULL OVER!
POP! LONG TIME NO SEE.
HEY, YOU KIDS,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
COME ON. I'LL FIX YOU UP
SOME BURGERS.
Archie: NO CAN DO, POP.
WE'RE GOING TO MALLHALLA.
THAT DARN MALL! IT'S
STEALING CUSTOMERS AWAY
FROM ALL THE LOCAL STORES.
GEE, I'D REALLY LIKE
A BURGER.
♪ AHHHHH
HUH?
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC
PLAYS]
WE HAVE TO GO
TO MALLHALLA.
MALLHALLA?!
WHAT'S THAT PLACE GOT
THAT I HAVEN'T GOT...
BESIDES CUSTOMERS?
OH! A MUMMY SCARAB!
GOTTA HAVE IT!
OOH! GOTTA HAVE IT!
THIS IS--UNH--
EVERYTHING
I'VE EVER WANTED.
WHOO!
[DING DING]
YES,
MISS COOPER.
[GASPS]
OH, IT'S YOU,
MR. AVARICCI.
I SEE YOU FOUND OUR FOSSILIZED
MASTODON'S FOOTPRINT BIRDBATH.
IT'S ONE OF OUR
BIGGEST SELLERS,
DESPITE ITS, HEH,
HEAVY PRICE TAG.
IT ISEXPENSIVE,
BUT IT MAKES SUCH
AN IMPRESSION. HERE.
OH, I'M AFRAID YOUR CARD
HAS REACHED ITS LIMIT.
REALLY?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO PAY!
YET ANOTHER SHOPPING
CONQUEST.
THANK YOU, MALLHALLA,
FOR LETTING ME BE
ALL THAT I CAN BE.
AND I GOT ANOTHER
MUMMY SCARAB.
NOW I HAVE
3...DOZEN.
MORE STUFF AND NONSENSE.
IF YOU'RE DONE,
CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?
YOU KNOW, JUGHEAD,
YOU MIGHT ENJOY
THESE SHOPPING TRIPS
A LITTLE MORE
IF YOU ACTUALLY DID
SOME SHOPPING.
YOU TWO DO ENOUGH
WITHOUT MY HELP.
WAIT. I'M GETTING
THAT CREEPY FEELING
AGAIN--
LIKE WE'RE FORGETTING
SOMETHING.
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC
PLAYS]
I MUST BE IMAGINING
AGAIN.
ARCHIE,
LOOK AT THAT MANNEQUIN
OVER IN THAT WINDOW.
YEAH,
WHAT ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S THAT OUTFIT.
I'VE GOTTA HAVE IT.
YOU BOYS WAIT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SHE'S DETERMINED TO SHOP
UNTIL I DROP.
OOH! IT FITS LIKE
IT WAS MADE JUST FOR ME.
I'LL TAKE IT.
Avaricci: I'M AFRAID
THERE'S A PROBLEM.
YOU'RE OVERDRAWN!
[GASP]
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO PAY!
MAN, HOW LONG IS
THIS GOING TO TAKE?
YEAH, HOW LONG?
ARCHIE, WHAT AREWE
WAITING FOR?
YOU KNOW,
WE'RE WAITING FOR...
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
LET'S GO.
Archie: I HAD
THE NICEST DREAM
LAST NIGHT.
I DREAMT I WENT TO
A NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL--
YOU KNOW, ONE THAT ACTUALLY
HAD SOME STUDENTS IN IT.
IT WAS GREAT.
THERE WERE MORE KIDS
THAN TEACHERS,
AND THERE WERE THESE
2 GORGEOUS GIRLS WHO
WERE CRAZY ABOUT ME.
A BLONDE ANDA BRUNETTE.
SOME DREAM.
ARCHIE, WHY DO YOU
SUPPOSE THEY BUILT
ALL THESE CLASSROOMS
AND LOCKERS AND STUFF
WHEN THERE'S NO KIDS
TO USE 'EM?
IT'S BECAUSE...
BECAUSE...
BECAUSE--
♪ AHHHHH
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
HEY, THERE'S SOMEPLACE
I WANNA GO AFTER SCHOOL.
Jughead:
LET ME GUESS WHERE.
Avaricci:
BEAUTIFUL, IS IT NOT?
WORKING HERE TODAY,
MR. AVARICCI?
SEEMS MY WORK IS NEVER DONE.
THIS CRYSTAL BALL--
GOTTA HAVE IT.
THEY SAY YOU'LL FIND
THE TRUTH INSIDE.
HUH?
HUH?
AAAAAAH!
THAT'S...THAT'S...
♪ AHHHHH
[SPELLBINDING MUSIC PLAYS]
THE UGLIEST HAT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
JUGHEAD JONES,
COME WITH ME.
HUH? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU KNOW,
OF ALL MY CUSTOMERS,
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
I'VE FAILED TO REACH.
IN ALL YOUR TRIPS HERE,
YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT
A SINGLE THING.
THERE'S JUST NOTHIN'
THAT I WANT.
UNTIL NOW!
[JUGHEAD GASPS]
TAKE A LOOK--
TOSTADAS,
GYROS,
FALAFELS,
PITAS,
BABA GHANOUSH!
GO ON.
IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT!
GO ON.
IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT!
JUGHEAD.
POP? WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I BROUGHT YA SOMETHING.
IT'S THE LAST HAMBURGER
I'LL EVER MAKE.
IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT
YOU SHOULD HAVE IT.
HUH?
GRR!
THANKS
TO THIS DARN MALL,
I'VE LOST
ALL MY CUSTOMERS.
THE CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE'S
GOIN' OUT OF BUSINESS.
POP, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THAT'S PROGRESS,
OLD MAN.
NOW RUN ALONG--
HEY!
LEAVE HIM BE!
IT'S OK. I HAVE TO GO.
THE OTHER DOWNTOWN MERCHANTS
ARE THROWING ME A GOIN'-
OUT-OF-BUSINESS PARTY.
MARK MY WORDS,
THANKS TO MALLHALLA,
IT WON'T BE THE LAST.
DON'T LET THAT SOB STORY
RUIN YOUR APPETITE.
LOOK--FAST FOOD
FROM THE 4 CORNERS
OF THE EARTH.
♪ AHHHHH
TASTE, BITE, CONSUME,
BUY SOME MORE.
YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
OHH!
SEE THIS BURGER?
IT'S ALL THAT'S RIGHT
IN THE WORLD,
SLATHERED IN KETCHUP
AND SERVED WITH A PICKLE.
EVERY TIME
I TAKE A BITE...
I'M REMINDED
OF LIFE'S BLESSINGS--
FRIENDSHIP...
SMALL-TOWN VALUES...
ONION SLICES!
[GOBBLING NOISES]
I DON'T WANT
YOUR FANCY-SCHMANCY FOOD,
AND THIS IS WHAT I THINK
OF YOUR MALL!
♪ AHHHHH
YAAAAH!
YAAAAH!
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!
MY FRIENDS, THEY'VE ALL
BEEN TURNED TO DUMMIES!
BY YOU!
YOUR DEFIANCE
HAS BROKEN THE SPELL!
THE TOWN WILL SOON
REMEMBER ITS MISSING TEENS!
WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU?!
THE MOST SELFISH
SHOP-AHOLIC
THAT EVER LIVED!
WHEN I HAD NO MONEY
LEFT,
I SOLD MY SOUL
FOR MORE! MORE! MORE!
ALWAYS MORE!
NOW I'M BOUND
TO THIS MALL,
FORCED TO CORRUPT
THE SOULS OF INNOCENTS,
OR PAY THE ULTIMATE
BILL...MYSELF!
WELL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
USE MY PALS TO SETTLE
YOUR DEBT!
[STEAM HISSES]
WHOA!
[GROWL]
OH, NO?
LIKE AN OVERDUE BILL,
I WON'T GO AWAY!
[STRAINING]
ARCHIE!
YOU GOTTA WAKE UP!
AVARICCI'S
A MONSTER!
[GROWLING]
NO! LEAVE
THAT CARD ALONE!
AHA! IT ALL STARTED
WITH THESE CARDS!
ARCHIE?
JUGHEAD,
YOU SAVED ME!
I COULD SEE AND HEAR,
BUT I COULDN'T MOVE!
WE GOTTA RESCUE
BETTY AND VERONICA,
AND THEN THE OTHERS,
AND THEN GO--
[POUNDING]
UH, ARCHIE?
HUH?
AAAAH!
[GROWLING]
I FOUND HER CARD!
ARCHIE, JUGHEAD!
MY HEROES!
YOU RESCUED ME!
WE SHOULD KISS!
Jughead: NOT NOW!
AVARICCI'S COMING! HIDE!
[ROAR]
[WHEELS SQUEAK]
Kids: WHOA!
YOU GUYS FREE
THE OTHER KIDS!
I'LL DISTRACT
AVARICCI! QUICK!
[GROWLING]
OK, JUGHEAD,
JUST REMEMBER,
THIS IS FOR POP TATE
AND THE CHOCK'LIT SHOPPE.
I SEE PARIS,
I SEE FRANCE,
I SEE GREEDY'S
UNDERPANTS!
[ROAR]
HURRY!
EVERYBODY OUT! MOVE IT!
COME ON, JUGHEAD!
I DON'T THINK HE CAN
LEAVE THE BUILDING!
UHH!
HELP!
A LITTLE HELP
HERE!
[ROAR]
I'LL HAVE YOU YET,
MR. JONES!
EVERYBODY...PULL!
[EVERYONE STRAINING]
UH!
UH!
UH!
COME BACK, KIDS!
I'LL GIVE YOU THINGS
YOU WANT!
NEW AND SHINY THINGS,
50% OFF!
NO!
COME BAAAACK!
[GASP]
[GASP]
[KIDS SCREAMING]
I GUESS MR. AVARICCI'S
THE MANAGER OF
AN UNDERGROUND MALL NOW.
WAY, WAY UNDERGROUND.
YEAH, AND IF WE DON'T
GET GREEDY,
MAYBE HE'LL STAY THERE.
POP! LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
BUSINESS
IS BOOMING,
THANKS TO THE RETURN
OF YOU KIDS!
AND MY BEST CUSTOMER!
Archie: "IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
IT WAS POP'S BURGERS
"THAT ENDED
OUR RECKLESS SPENDING SPREE
"AND REMINDED US ALL THAT,
WHILE SHOPPING CAN BE FUN,
"YOU SHOULDN'T
GET CARRIED AWAY.
"AFTER ALL, YOU CAN'T BUY
THE THINGS THAT ARE
MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE--
"THINGS LIKE THE FRIENDSHIP
AND LOYALTY YOU FIND...
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE."