Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 13 - Twisted Youth - full transcript

Announcer:
WHAT IS THEIR DARK SECRET?

ARE THEY JUST
MISUNDERSTOOD TEENAGERS

OR SOMETHING FAR MORE SINISTER?

BEWARE THE TERRIBLE TRUTH
BEHIND THE MENACE OF...

♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪



♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE

♪ VERONICA, BETTY



♪ JUGHEAD, TOO

♪ WEIRD

♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪

[GURGLING]

JUGHEAD, WHAT IS IT
WITH GROWNUPS?

THEY HAVE ALL THE FREEDOM
IN THE WORLD.

AND YET THEY SPEND ALL THEIR
TIME TELLING US WHAT TO DO.

OR WHAT NOT TO DO.

[SNORTS AND SNIFFS]

Archie: EXACTLY!
I ASK YOU, WHAT IS WRONG

WITH HAVING A LITTLE
FUN NOW AND AGAIN?

OR TAKING A CHANCE
EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE.

YEAH! LET'S FACE IT,
ADULTS ARE KILLJOYS.

JUST BECAUSE THEY
DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO LIVE,

THEY WANT TO
HOLD US BACK.

[YAWNS]

"WALK, DON'T RUN."

"SHOULDN'T YOU PUT
THAT MONEY IN THE BANK?"

"BE HOME BY 10 P.M."[LAUGHS]

"WOULDN'T
A LOW-CALORIE DIET

BE MORE SENSIBLE,
JUGHEAD?"

[SNORES]

[LAUGHS]

HUH?HMM?

HOTDOG!

[SNUFFLES]

AW!HEY!

ARE YOU OK?[PANTING]

HA HA. HE'S FINE.

[GASPS]HUH?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?WHAT'S GOING ON?

[HOTDOG YIPS]

MAYBE HE ISN'T FINE.

[YAPS]

Dilton: HMM.
HUH. HMM?

HMM!

WHAT IS IT?

GIVE IT TO ME
STRAIGHT.
I CAN TAKE IT.

WELL, HE APPEARS
TO BE A PUPPY.

[PANTS HAPPILY]

OH, NO!

DOES THIS MEAN I
HAVE TO HOUSEBREAK
HIM AGAIN?

RUFF! RUFF!

ANY IDEA OF WHAT MIGHT
HAVE CAUSED THIS?

I'LL HEAD OUT
TO THE LAKE

DURING LUNCH BREAK
AND TAKE
SOME SAMPLES.

Dilton: I'M SURE
I CAN FIND THE CAUSE.

LET'S GO,
JUGHEAD.

WE'LL BE LATE
FOR CLASS.
LATER, DILTON.

DON'T WORRY, JUGHEAD.
DILTON WILL FIGURE OUT

A WAY TO CHANGE HOTDOG
BACK TO NORMAL.

COME ON!

[BARKING]

OK. YOU POTTY
TRAIN HIM.

SEE YA.
HA HA HA.

GRR! RUFF!

TIME TO FACE
ANOTHER DAY,
EH, MISS GRUNDY?

[SIGHS] INDEED,
MR. WEATHERBEE.

IT IS ANOTHER DAY.
ANOTHER DAY

OF CARELESS TEENAGE SHENANIGANS
AND SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.

KIDS. THEY THINK
THEY CAN ACT ANYWAY
THEY PLEASE.

TOMORROW WILL NEVER COME
AND THEY'LL LIVE FOREVER.

NOT A THOUGHT
TO CONSEQUENCES.

[GULPING]

SOMETIMES, I THINK
IT'S A WONDER

ANY OF THEM MAKE IT
TO 21 YEARS OF AGE.

[GULPING]

WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO KEEP THEM
SAFE AND SOUND,

IN SPITE OF THEIR
WORST IMPULSES.

[GULPS]

AH, WELL, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I CERTAINLY
FEEL BETTER.

WHY, YES.
I DO, TOO.

I'M READY TO FACE
THOSE LITTLE RUFFIANS.

TODAY, CLASS, WE ARE
GOING TO DISCUSS

PONCE DE LEON AND
HIS SEARCH FOR...

[CLASSMATES TALKING]

I SWEAR!

NO, REALLY.

YOU HAVE TO COME DOWN
TO DILTON'S LAB

AND SEE FOR YOURSELF.

DON'T LISTEN TO THIS
WACKO, BETTY.

STICK WITH ME AND WE'LL
STOP BY POP'S AFTER CLASS.

ARCHIE, REGGIE,
RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.

ALL: HUH?

NOW, TO RETURN
TO PONCE DE LE--

[ARCHIE AND REGGIE TALKING]

Miss Grundy:
THAT'S IT!

[ALL GASP]

YOU'RE HERE
FOR AN EDUCATION,

NOT FOR GAWKING AND
MAKING GOO-GOO EYES

AT MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

GIVE US A BREAK,
MISS GRUNDY.

YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE.

NOT A CHANCE,
YOUNG MAN.

NOW, YOU AND REGGIE
TAKE THOSE 2
BACK SEATS

AND STOP PESTERING
POOR BETTY.

ACTUALLY, I KIND OF
ENJOY THE ATTENTION,
MISS GRUNDY.

TEENAGERS.

HOW MANY MORE WEEKS
UNTIL SPRING BREAK?

[GULPS]

AHH!

YOU WANTED
TO SEE ME?

YES, MISS LODGE.
ONCE AGAIN, YOU WERE CAUGHT

DRIVING RECKLESSLY
IN THE STUDENT PARKING LOT.

I DON'T SEE WHAT
THE BIG DEAL IS.

NO ONE GOT HURT.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, MAYBE I WAS
GOING A LITTLE BIT
TOO FAST.

DRIVING YOUR CAR THROUGH
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE WALL

IS MORE THAN
A LITTLE BIT TOO FAST.

[SIGHS]

SOMEHOW, I DIDN'T EXPECT
YOU TO FULLY APPRECIATE

THE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES
OF YOUR ACTIONS,

WHICH IS WHY YOUR FATHER
WILL BE JOINING US
IN A MOMENT

FOR A PARENT
CONFERENCE.

DADDY?
HE'S COMING HERE?

HUH?

I'LL BE SUPER-AMALGAMATED!

THE LAKE WATER CONTAINS
AN AGE REVERSAL CATALYST.

IT'S PROVIDENTIAL
THAT THIS PHENOMENON
IS ISOLATED TO THE LAKE.

IF IT SPREAD TO RIVERDALE,

THERE'S NO PREDICTING WHAT
KIND OF CHAOS WOULD ENSUE.

PSST, REGGIE,
WHO'S THAT?

HUH!

HI THERE, BOYS.

HUBBA HUBBA!

I DON'T KNOW
WHO SHE IS,
BUT SHE'S A CUTIE!

WELL, HELLO THERE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
GORGEOUS?

[GIGGLES]
DORIS.

DORIS GRUNDY.

GRUNDY? FUNNY.

OUR TEACHER HAS
THE SAME LAST NAME.

OH, NO! FIRST HOTDOG,
AND NOW...MISS GRUNDY!

SO, WHAT BRINGS
A FOX LIKE YOU
INTO THIS CLASSROOM?

HMM. YOU'RE
KIND OF CUTE.

[GASPS] WHOA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHE THINKS I'M
KIND OF CUTE.

REGGIE, THAT'S
MISS GRUNDY!

I THINK I CAN RECOGNIZE
MISS GRUNDY BY NOW,

AND THAT DOLL FACE
IS MOST DEFINITELY
NOT MISS GRUNDY.

LOOK AT HER CLOTHES!

THAT'S MISS GRUNDY
TRANSFORMED INTO
A TEENAGER!

THE SAME THING
HAPPENED TO HOTDOG.
HE'S A PUPPY NOW.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

AW, NO,
DON'T TELL ME.

THIS IS ANOTHER ONE
OF YOUR WEIRD MYSTERIES.

'FRAID SO.

GREAT! I FINALLY FIND
A GIRL WHO LIKES ME

AND IT'S THE TEACHER
WHO MADE ME

RETAKE GEOGRAPHY
DURING SUMMER SCHOOL!

SO, GUYS,
WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE DITCH CLASS
WHILE THE TEACHER'S GONE
AND DO SOMETHING FUN?

MISS GRUNDY...

DORIS!

CALL ME DORIS,
CARROT-TOP.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING
ABOUT BEING A TEACHER?

YOU'RE THE LAST
PERSON WHO'D SUGGEST
SKIPPING CLASSES.

DON'T BE A WHEEZE.

HOW ELSE ARE WE GOING TO
GET TIME WITH THE BOYS?

Both: HUH?

THIS IS REALLY
WEIRDING ME OUT,
ARCHIE.

WE NEED TO KEEP
DORIS OUT OF TROUBLE

UNTIL WE FIND A WAY
TO REVERSE THIS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
LOCK HER

IN THE JANITOR'S
CLOSET.

SO, WHAT DO THEY
CALL THE CUTE ONE
WITH THE BLACK HAIR?

YOU MEAN REGGIE?

OH, REGGIE. I LIKE.

MISS GRUN--
I MEAN, DORIS,

DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'D BE BETTER OFF

WITH SOMEONE
MORE YOUR AGE?

NO. I LIKE
OLDER MEN.

BUT NO WAY AM
I GOING TO SNAG
HIS ATTENTION

IN THESE
DRAB-AROCIOUS
CLOTHES.

I MEAN, I LOOK LIKE
MY GRANDMOTHER
DRESSED ME.

THAT'S IT!

REGGIE, WHY DON'T
YOU HELP BETTY

TAKE DORIS
TO HER HOUSE

TO CHANGE INTO MORE,
UH, WITH-IT CLOTHES.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING,
CARROT-TOP.

WHAT?

THAT WAY, BETTY CAN
KEEP HER OUT OF TROUBLE

WHILE JUGHEAD AND I
GET HELP FROM DILTON.

WHY ME?

SHE SEEMS TO LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW NO WOMAN CAN RESIST
YOUR IRRESISTIBLE CHARM.

WELL, YOU'VE
GOT ME THERE.

MISS LODGE, I AM SHOCKED
AT YOUR BEHAVIOR.

WE SIMPLY CANNOT CONDONE
SUCH RECKLESS DRIVING
AT RIVERDALE HIGH.

[GULPS]

I COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.

BUT, DADDY!

[GULPS]

DON'T "BUT,
DADDY" ME.

IT'S HIGH TIME
SOMEONE DID
SOMETHING

ABOUT ALL THESE
TEENAGERS

ZOOMING AROUND TOWN
IN THEIR HOTRODS.

RIVERDALE IS NOT
A RACETRACK.

PRECISELY.

SPEED, SPEED, SPEED.
THAT'S ALL THESE STUDENTS
THINK ABOUT.

MR. WEATHERBEE?

YOU--YOU--
YOU'VE GOT HAIR!

YES, I DO.
YOU LIKE IT?

[GASPS]

[GULPS]

SO, JUST HOW FAST
WAS SHE GOING?

DADDY, YOUR HAIR!

FAST? NOW THAT
I THINK ABOUT IT,

IT, UH, WASN'T THAT FAST.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

OH, I KNOW FAST.

YEAH, RIGHT. HA HA.

I COULD BLOW THE DOORS
OFF YOUR CAR ANY DAY.

YOU WISH, PUNK.
YOU TALK BIG,

BUT CAN YOU
PROVE IT?

ANYTIME, ANYPLACE, LOSER.

DEAD MAN'S CURVE,
TONIGHT.

YOU'RE ON.

ARCHIE, I FIGURED
OUT WHAT HAPPENED

TO HOTDOG.YEAH, BUT--

IT SEEMS THAT AN
AGENT IN RIVERDALE
LAKE'S WATER

HAS REVERSED
HOTDOG'S
AGING PROCESS

ON A CELLULAR
LEVEL.

I KNEW I SHOULDN'T
FEED HIM THAT CELERY.

BUT THE SAME THING
JUST HAPPENED
TO MISS GRUNDY.

IMPOSSIBLE! HOW COULD
SHE HAVE BEEN EXPOSED

TO THE RIVERDALE
LAKE'S WATER?

OUT OF THE WAY!

YOU HEARD HIM, GEEKS!

WHAT UNPLEASANT
AND ODDLY DRESSED FELLOWS.

I'M GETTING
OUT OF HERE.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT
AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE.

YEAH. THEN WE'LL
SEE WHICH OF US

IS THE FASTEST DRAG RACER
IN RIVERDALE.

DRAG RACING?
AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE?

THOSE 2 HAVE
TO BE MADMEN!

AND LITTERBUGS, TOO.

SOMEBODY HAS TO
STOP MY FATHER
AND MR. WEATHERBEE!

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!

THEY BOTH TURNED
INTO TEENAGERS?

AND THEY'RE GOING TO
RISK THEIR LIVES

DRAG RACING
AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE?

YES. BUT HOW
DID YOU KNOW?

THERE SEEMS TO BE
AN EPIDEMIC OF YOUTHFULNESS
AT RIVERDALE HIGH.

SO, THAT'S WHAT
MR. LODGE AND
MR. WEATHERBEE

WERE LIKE WHEN
THEY WERE YOUNG.

SURLY TEENAGERS.

WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND,
IS HOW SO MANY ADULTS
ARE BEING AFFECTED

WITHOUT EXPOSURE
TO RIVERDALE LAKE'S WATER.

Reggie:
I THINK I KNOW HOW.

HOW'S THAT, DORIS?

COOL, BETS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
REGGIE?

WELL, I, UH...

DO YOU HAVE
A REGULAR STEADY,
REGGIE?

UM, I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE
ON MY, UH, STUDIES. HEH.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME
FOR DATING AND ALL THAT STUFF.

WHAT? A HOT-LOOKING
STUDSTER LIKE YOU?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

MAYBE YOU AND I
SHOULD GO OUT
SOMETIME.

WELL, I DON'T DENY THAT
I MAY BE HOT-LOOKING,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU
AND I SHOULD--

I MEAN--HELP ME
OUT HERE, BETTY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
DOING ALL RIGHT
BY YOURSELF, STUDSTER.

Dilton: APPARENTLY,
THE AGE REVERSAL

ONLY WORKS ON ADULTS,
BECAUSE CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS

HAVE A GROWTH METABOLISM
THAT RENDERS THEM IMMUNE.

BUT IS THERE ANY WAY
TO REVERSE THIS?

BRING THE ADULTS
BACK TO NORMAL?

MAYBE. IF I COULD
SATURATE THEIR CELLS

WITH A LIGHT
INTENSELY FOCUSED

INTO THE PROPER BAND
OF THE LIGHT SPECTRUM,
IT COULD WORK.

IT BETTER WORK,
BEFORE THIS SPREADS
TO ALL OF RIVERDALE.

UH, ARCHIE, I THINK
IT'S A LITTLE TOO LATE
TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

[GASPS]

OH NO!

IT CAN'T BE!

OH, NO! THEY'VE
ALL TURNED INTO...
TEENAGERS!

[SIRENS]All: HUH?

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

WELL GANG, IF THERE'S
NO ADULTS TO SOLVE
THIS PROBLEM FOR US,

THEN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO SOLVE IT OURSELVES.

BUT WHAT
CAN WE DO?

THERE'S TOO MANY
OF THEM!

I CONCUR. THIS SEEMS TO BE
AN UNSOLVABLE CONUNDRUM.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
SOMETHING WE CAN DO!

UNH!OOF!

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
YAH!
OOF!

AND WE'D BETTER
DO IT QUICK.

DILTON, IS THERE
ANY WAY WE CAN
PRODUCE

THAT LIGHT YOU SAY
WILL REVERSE

THE EFFECTS
OF THE WATER?

HMM.

HMM.

RUFF RUFF!

HERE, BOY, FETCH!

Dilton: EUREKA!

SHOW US!

AHA!

A LIGHT
BULB?

I THINK THOMAS EDISON
GOT TO THIS BRIGHT IDEA
FIRST, DILTON.

AH, LET ME
CONTINUE.

FIRST, IT MUST
BE SATURATED
IN THIS SOLUTION.

ONCE TURNED ON,
THIS BULB WILL EMIT
THE UNIQUE LIGHT

FROM THE NARROW BAND
OF THE SPECTRUM THAT
I SPOKE OF EARLIER.

THUS REVERSING THE
FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH
PROCESS.

UH, SHOULDN'T
WE TEST IT OUT
FIRST?

Hotdog:
RUFF RUFF!

PLEASE, TEST IT OUT
BEFORE MY ARM FALLS OFF.

I'VE BEEN DOING
THIS FOR HOURS!

[WHIMPERS]

RUFF RUFF!

IT WORKS!ALL RIGHT!

OH, NO!
IT HURT HIM!

NO. THIS IS NORMAL.

I HAVE MY GOOD OLD
LAZY DOG BACK!

[SNORES]

WAIT A MINUTE,
GUYS. HOW ARE WE
GOING TO USE IT

ON ALL OF THE
NEW TEENAGERS?

THERE IS AN ABUNDANCE
OF NEW TEENAGERS,

AND THEY HAVE SPREAD OUT
ALL OVER TOWN.

IT WILL TAKE WEEKS TO SHINE
THIS ON ALL OF THEM.

MAYBE THERE'S A WAY TO GET
THEM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE.

DILTON, I NEED YOU TO TREAT
AS MANY LIGHT BULBS

WITH THE SOLUTION
AS YOU CAN,

AND THEN MEET ME AT
THE GYM AT 7:00 TONIGHT.

Bullhorn: THAT'S RIGHT,
TONIGHT, AND TONIGHT ONLY,

A DANCE AT
THE HIGH SCHOOL GYM.

AND AT THE DANCE,
THERE WILL BE
AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY

OF FREE PIZZA
AND SODA.

All: ALL RIGHT!

HUH?HA HA HA!

[CROWD TALKING]

WOW! WE MUST HAVE EVERY
ADULT TEENAGER HERE!

COME ON, REGGIE,

JUST ONE LITTLE DANCE,
PLEASE?

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S ALL SO...

[GULPS] WEIRD.

BESIDES, THE BAND
HASN'T STARTED
PLAYING YET.

WE DON'T NEED
A BAND.

WE'LL MAKE
OUR OWN MUSIC!

THERE, THAT OUGHT
TO DO IT.
READY?

READY.
DO IT!

I HAVE TO ADMIT,
THIS IS KIND OF FUN.

WHO KNOWS, MAYBE WE COULD
WORK OUT AS A COUPLE.

MR. MANTLE, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

DORIS--I-I MEAN,
MISS GRUNDY!

THAT'S IT, GUYS.
WE'VE TURNED

OUR OUT-OF-CONTROL
ADULT TEENAGERS

BACK INTO
FUDDY-DUDDY ADULTS.

I COULDN'T
CONVINCE MY FATHER

AND MR. WEATHERBEE
TO COME TO THE DANCE.

THEY'RE STILL GOING TO RACE
ON DEAD MAN'S CURVE!

TEENAGERS!

DILTON, DO YOU
HAVE ANY MORE
OF THAT SOLUTION LEFT?

THERE, THAT
OUGHT TO DO IT.

COME ON, VERONICA,

WE'VE GOT TO HURRY
UP AND GET TO DEAD
MAN'S CURVE

BEFORE MR. WEATHERBEE
AND YOUR DAD DO.

YOU KNOW, PUNK,
ONLY ONE OF US

WILL SURVIVE
DEAD MAN'S CURVE.

YEAH. TOO BAD IT WON'T
BE YOU, RICH BOY!

HURRY, ARCHIE, HURRY!

I'M GOING AS FAST
AS I CAN!

[GASP]

WHAT? AAH!

HMM?
OOH!

[TIRES SCREECH]

AAH!

[CRASH]

AGH. THAT WAS
TOO CLOSE.

MR. WEATHERBEE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I-I COULD HAVE HURT SOMEONE.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?

DADDY, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE OK.

WHAT AM I DOING
OUT HERE?

AND WHY WAS I RACING
LIKE THAT?

[SIREN]

Both: HMM?

AHH! SO THIS
IS WHAT CREATED

OUR LITTLE FOUNTAIN
OF YOUTH DIFFICULTIES.

[STATIC]

I'LL SEND THIS
TO THE SMITHSONIAN
FOR SAFE KEEPING.

WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME WATER?

I'M STICKING
WITH TEA TODAY.

IT SEEMS MORE
APPROPRIATE, SOMEHOW.

GOOD IDEA.

I'VE SAID IT ONCE,
AND I'LL SAY
IT AGAIN.

TEENS TODAY ARE
SO HARD TO HANDLE.

WE COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

Archie: WELL, ALL'S WELL
THAT ENDS WELL,

EXCEPT FOR POOR VERONICA,
WHO'S STUCK

DRIVING HER FATHER AROUND
UNTIL HE GETS HIS
DRIVING PRIVILEGES BACK.

FUNNY, WHEN THE JUDGE
THREW THE BOOK AT MR. LODGE

AND MR. WEATHERBEE
FOR RECKLESS DRIVING,

HE SAID THAT THEY SHOULD
LEARN TO ACT THEIR AGE.

BUT AS WE ALL NOW KNOW,

ACTING YOUR AGE ISN'T ALWAYS
THE EASIEST THING TO DO...

IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.