Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 12 - Brain of Terror - full transcript

Announcer: BRAIN OF TERROR!

WHAT HORRIBLE MONSTROSITY
IS STALKING THE STREETS
OF RIVERDALE?

IS IT EVEN HUMAN?

CAN ARCHIE SAVE HIS FRIENDS
FROM THE HORROR

OF A MONSTROUSLY
WARPED MIND?

FIND OUT IN BRAIN OF TERROR!

♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD



♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪

♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES

♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪

♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD

♪ MYSTERIES



♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE

♪ VERONICA, BETTY

♪ JUGHEAD, TOO

♪ WEIRD

♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪

[BIRD TWITTERS]

[CAWS]

[DOG BARKS]

MOOSE, IF YOU DON'T PASS
YOUR HISTORY TEST,

YOU'RE GOING TO GET
KICKED OFF THE TEAM.

I KNOW,
BUT I'M JUST NOT SMART
LIKE YOU, BETTY.

HOW DO YOU THINK
I GOT SO SMART?

BY READING AND STUDYING.

THERE'S GOT TO BE
AN EASIER WAY.

READING GIVES ME
A HEADACHE.

THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS
TO LEARNING, MOOSE.

YOU WORK OUT
A LOT, RIGHT?

DON'T YOUR MUSCLES ACHE
SOMETIMES?

YEAH.

WELL, THINK OF YOUR MIND
AS A MUSCLE.

HUH?

TO GET IT INTO SHAPE,
YOU HAVE TO WORK OUT,

ONLY INSTEAD
OF USING WEIGHTS, USE BOOKS.

YEAH! GOOD IDEA.

HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS IS PRETTY HEAVY.

I FEEL SMARTER ALREADY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO READ IT.

NOW, LET'S GET
BACK TO WORK

IF YOU WANT
TO STAY ON THE TEAM.

WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME
COMING UP IN 2 WEEKS.

IF MOOSE GETS
KICKED OFF THE TEAM,
WE'RE DOOMED.

10 TO ONE SAYS MOOSE
DOESN'T PASS THE TEST.

TEST? WHAT TEST?

THE HISTORY TEST.

WHAT HISTORY TEST?

THE BIG HISTORY TEST
TOMORROW.

THERE'S A BIG
HISTORY TEST TOMORROW?

HUH?
HUH?

I DON'T
BELIEVE THIS.

UH, I THINK I BETTER
GO HOME AND STUDY.

WELL, AT LEAST
IF JUGHEAD GOT
KICKED OFF THE TEAM,

WE'D STAND
A BETTER CHANCE.

THE TREATY OF VERSAILLES
WAS SIGNED IN 1919.

OR WAS IT 1918?
OR WAS IT 1920?

I'M NEVER GONNA
PASS THAT TEST.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I CAN'T LET THE TEAM DOWN.

I KNOW I SHOULDN'T DO THIS,
BUT WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?

[GROWL]

[BELLOWS]

[BELL RINGS]

YOU WILL HAVE 45 MINUTES
TO COMPLETE THE TEST.

YOU WILL
RAISE YOUR PENCILS
WHEN I SAY, "START."

HEY, WHERE'S MOOSE?

HE'S CHICKENED OUT.

HE'S NOT EVEN
GOING TO SHOW.

HE'LL BE HERE.

YEAH. HE WOULDN'T
LET THE TEAM DOWN.

MOOSE, YOU'RE LATE.

SORRY, MS. GRUNDY.

TOLD YOU
HE'D BE HERE.

JUST IN TIME TO FLUNK THE TEST.

START.

[GROANING] OHH.

DONE.

GREAT. HE GAVE UP
IN RECORD TIME.

THE FOOTBALL TEAM
IS DOOMED.

JUST A MINUTE, MOOSE.

YES, MS. GRUNDY?

CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU GOT EVERY ONE RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE ACTUALLY
PASSED THE TEST.

HE DIDN'T JUST PASS IT,
HE ACED IT.

SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT
ABOUT THIS.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING
HAVE TO BE A WEIRD
MYSTERY WITH YOU?

THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT MOOSE IS
STILL ON THE TEAM.

I GUESS, BUT YOU DON'T THINK
HE CHEATED, DO YOU?

HEY!

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU
THAT MOOSE PASSED THAT TEST

BECAUSE OF
MY PERSONAL INSPIRATION
AND HIS HARD WORK?

NO.
NO.
NO.

OH, BETTY.
HUH?

I MEANT
TO THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR HELPING MOOSE
STUDY FOR THE TEST.

IT WAS
MY PLEASURE, MIDGE.

MOOSE IS SO SWEET.

YOU'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE HIM.

OOH, JEALOUS?

BRAINS ANDBRAWN--
WHO WOULDN'T BE?

[BOTH GIGGLING]

I THINK I'M
GONNA BE SICK.

WAY TO GO, MOOSE!

I KNEW YOU COULD
DO IT, BUDDY!

LET US BUY YOU A SODA.

I WISH I COULD, FELLAS,
BUT I CAN'T STAY.

YEAH.
MOOSE IS TAKING ME

TO THE MOVIES
TO CELEBRATE.

SORRY, MIDGE. NOT TONIGHT.

I'VE GOT TO GO HOME
AND HIT THE BOOKS.

THERE'S A BIG MATH TEST
COMING UP NEXT WEEK.

THAT'S OK, MOOSE.
I UNDERSTAND.

SO LONG, MOOSE.GOOD LUCK.

BY THE WAY,
DID YOU KNOW THAT LIGHT
TRAVELS THROUGH ALL MEDIA

AT THE SAME SPEED?
186,000 MILES,

OR 300,000 KILOMETERS
PER SECOND TO BE EXACT.

HUH?

HEY!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[SIGHS]

ANOTHER A-PLUS.

THAT MAKES 10 IN A ROW.

AHH.

NOW I KNOW
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.

"MOOSE CHOSEN
TO HEAD ACADEMIC
DECATHLON TEAM"?

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

YEAH! WITH A BRAIN
LIKE MOOSE ON THE TEAM,

WE MIGHT JUST WIN!

GO, MOOSE!GO MOOSE!

WAIT A MINUTE.
LAST WEEK, MOOSE COULDN'T
EVEN TIE HIS OWN SHOES,

AND NOW HE'S COMPETING
IN THE ACADEMIC DECATHLON?

SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

PEOPLE DON'T JUST CHANGE
LIKE THAT OVERNIGHT.

SURE, THEY DO.
LOOK AT ME.

I USED TO BE CONSIDERED
KIND OF A GEEK.

OH, YE OF SO LITTLE FAITH.

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD
OF WHAT MOOSE HAS ACCOMPLISHED

WITH ALL HIS STUDYING.

YEAH, ARCH.
YOU'RE JUST PARANOID.

JUGHEAD'S RIGHT.

JUST LAST WEEK,
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE

BEING FOLLOWED
BY CRAB PEOPLE
FROM THE FUTURE.

HEY, NO ONE
COULD EVER PROVE
OTHERWISE.

I'M GOING TO KEEP
AN EYE ON MOOSE.

BESIDES, THAT WAS
LASTWEEK'S MYSTERY.

THAT'S WEIRD.

MOOSE NEVER FINISHED
READING A BOOK IN HIS LIFE.

HMM.

[PLAYING COMPLICATED
CLASSICAL PIECE]

PLAYING THAT WELL
TAKES YEARS OF PRACTICE,

AND YET THE MOOSE I KNOW
CAN HARDLY CARRY A TUNE.

WHAT'S MOOSE DOING
IN THE SCIENCE LAB?

[MOOSE YELLING]

WHAT?

MOOSE! MOOSE!

MOOSE, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?

SURE, ARCHIE. I'M FINE.

MOOSE! COME ON!

OPEN UP!

[GASPS]

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, ARCHIE?

ANYTHING WRONG,
MOOSE?

WHY, NO.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE SO LATE?

I CAME HERE TO WORK
ON MY SCIENCE PROJECT.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT
TO SEE IT, MOOSE.

YOU CAN SEE IT TOMORROW...
IN CLASS.

BY THE WAY,
DID YOU KNOW

THAT OCKHAM'S RAZOR
IS THE THEORY THAT,

GIVEN A VARIETY OF
POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS,

THE SIMPLEST EXPLANATION
IS THE MOST LIKELY?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, MOOSE.

THANKS FOR TELLING ME.

HEY, MOOSE! WAIT UP!

WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

I WAITED FOR OVER AN HOUR.

OH, I FORGOT.

YOU WANT TO CATCH
A MOVIE TONIGHT?

THEY'RE SHOWING
THE BRAIN FROM PLANET X
DOWNTOWN.

NO, MIDGE. IN FACT,

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

WHY?

FRANKLY, YOU'RE JUST
NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR ME.

HUH? I'M NOT--
BUT--BUT, MOOSEY...

[SOBBING]

Prof. Flutesnoot:
I SEE OUR NEXT PROJECT
IS BY BETTY COOPER.

MY PROJECT IS A SURVEY
OF THE MOST COMMON
FOOTBALL INJURIES.

THE MOST COMMON INJURIES
ARE A DISLOCATED SHOULDER

AND FRACTURED COLLARBONE,

BUT EXTREME CASES CAN RESULT
IN A BROKEN SPINE.

[GAGS]
I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.

[GAGGING]

EXCELLENT.

WHAT HAVE
WE HERE, DILTON?

IT'S AN ELECTROENCEPHALOGRAPHIC
DEVICE

THAT STIMULATES
THE CEREBRAL CORTEX.

HEY, CHECK THAT OUT!

[ALL GASP]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

WAIT. I KNOW
IT'S STILL IN THE, UH,
EXPERIMENTAL STAGE, BUT...

VERY IMPRESSIVE, MOOSE.
WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A PERPETUAL MOTION
MACHINE.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST KIND OF
PUT IT TOGETHER.

COULD YOU TELL ME
IN PLAIN ENGLISH
WHAT THIS THING DOES?

IT IMPROVES MEMORY
BY STIMULATING BRAIN WAVES.

I CALL IT THE THINKING CAP.

SAY, DILTON,

YOU DIDN'T LET MOOSE
USE THAT, DID YOU?

UHH...NO.

DILTON?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HE TALKED ME INTO IT.

BUT I ONLY GAVE HIM
A LITTLE DOSE

AND MADE HIM PROMISE
HE WOULDN'T TOUCH IT AGAIN.

WELL, I CAUGHT HIM
SNEAKING INTO THE LAB
LAST NIGHT.

NO WONDER HE'S BEEN
ACING ALL HIS CLASSES.

WELL, TECHNICALLY,
THE CAP CAN'T MAKE
HIM LEARN ANYTHING.

AT BEST, HE'S JUST
MEMORIZING THINGS AT
AN ACCELERATED RATE.

FROM WHAT I CAN TELL,

HE'S BEEN TAKING
MASSIVE JOLTS FROM IT.

WELL, I HOPE NOT.
ABUSING THE THINKING CAP

COULD PERMANENTLY
SCRAMBLE HIS BRAIN.

OH, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
LET HIM TOUCH IT.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DESTROY THIS THING

BEFORE MOOSE
GETS HIS PAWS ON IT AGAIN.

DESTROY IT? BUT IT'S
TAKEN ME YEARS TO--

NO BUTS! I'M GONNA
KEEP AN EYE ON MOOSE.

HUH?

COOL.

UGH!

AHH!

UNH!

SORRY, JUG.

[THINKING] WATCH
WHERE YOU'RE GOING,
YA BIG APE.

WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

I DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING.

[THINKING]
WHAT'S THIS
GUY'S PROBLEM?

HUH?

THINK OF SOMETHING
QUICK.

[THINKING] I THINK MOOSE
HAS FINALLY FLIPPED HIS LID.

COOL.
I CAN READ MINDS, TOO.

OH, NO!
I GOTTA FIND DILTON.

HAVE YOU SEEN
DILTON AROUND?

IT'S IMPORTANT.

NO, HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

HEY, MOOSE! NOT SO FAST!

I'VE GOT A BONE
TO PICK WITH YOU.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP
FOR PRACTICE TODAY?

WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME
COMING UP TOMORROW.

OH, I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR FOOTBALL ANYMORE,

SO I QUIT THE TEAM.

YOU WHAT? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

THE TEAM'S COUNTING ON YOU!

UH, I WOULDN'T DO THIS
IF I WERE YOU.

[THINKING]
I CAN'T BELIEVE MOOSE
IS SUCH A SELFISH JERK.

OH, YEAH?

UH-OH!

WHOA!

[THUD]OH!

OH! OH!

ARE YOU OK, REGGIE?

[GASPS]

OOMPH!

YAAH!

STAY AWAY FROM ME, MAN!

WOW. MIND READING.
TELEKINESIS.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
WHAT'S NEXT.

WHERE IS IT?

[SCREAMING]

DILTON! DID YOU
DESTROY THAT MACHINE
LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?

WELL, I, UM--

YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?
FESS UP!

ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT. I HID IT.

I JUST COULDN'T
DESTROY IT.

WHO KNOWS
WHAT CONTRIBUTIONS
TO SCIENCE

IT MIGHT MAKE.

MOOSE HAS GOT
PSYCHIC POWERS.

HE'S OUT OF CONTROL!

PSYCHIC POWERS, HUH?

I GOTTA GET A PATENT
ON THAT THING.

NO! YOU'VE GOT TO FIX IT

SO IT WILL REVERSE
THE EFFECTS ON MOOSE.

IT'S NOT THAT
SIMPLE, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN'T JUST
SWITCH A COUPLE WIRES
SO IT WORKS BACKWARDS.

WELL, THEN FIGURE OUT
WHAT IT'S GOING TO TAKE,

AND I'M GONNA FIND MOOSE.

[GASPS]

WHERE IS IT, DILTON?

WHERE'S WHAT?

THE THINKING CAP,
DILTON.

WHERE IS IT?

I, UH, GOT RID OF IT.

WHAT?!

OH, SO IT'S
IN YOUR LOCKER, HUH?

HUH?

WHOA!

UNH.

Archie: MIDGE, DO YOU
KNOW WHERE MOOSE IS?

[SNIFFLES] NO.

HE SAID HE DIDN'T
WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN.

LOOK, SOMETHING'S
HAPPENED TO MOOSE.

HE'S NOT HIMSELF
ANYMORE.

[CRIES]
HUH?

AND HE NEEDS
YOUR HELP.

MOOSE! HE FOUND OUT
WHERE THE MACHINE IS,

AND HE'S GOING AFTER IT!
WE'VE GOTTA STOP HIM!

[ALL PANTING]

AAAH!

[ALL GASP]

WOW.
THAT'S THE TICKET.

UH-OH.

I GOTTA HAND IT
TO YOU, DILTON.

THIS IS
THE GREATEST INVENTION
SINCE THE CUCKOO CLOCK.

COME ON, MOOSE.
GIVE ME THE HELMET.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO
ANYTHING WITH IT.

YES, YOU ARE.
I CAN READ YOUR MIND.

YOU WANT TO REWIRE IT
SO IT WILL TAKE AWAY
MY POWERS.

DARN!

HEY, ISN'T THAT
NOAM CHOMSKY?

NO!

[GASPS]

COME ON,
YOU DON'T NEED THAT.

YES, I DO! WITHOUT IT,
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING,

BUT WITH IT,
I'M A GENIUS.

YOU'RE NOT A GENIUS, MOOSE.

SURE, I AM.
FOR INSTANCE,

DID YOU KNOW THAT,
ACCORDING TO HEGEL,

THOUGHT IS
A DIALECTICAL PROCESS

OF THESIS, ANTITHESIS,
AND SYNTHESIS?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I, UH, I DON'T KNOW.

EXACTLY. IT'S JUST
SOMETHING YOU MEMORIZED,

AND IT DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU.

THAT MACHINE HASN'T TURNED YOU
INTO A GENIUS, MOOSE.

IT'S TURNED YOU
INTO A...A NOVELTY ACT,

LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
WHO CAN SPELL THINGS BACKWARDS.

NO!

WHOA! UNH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MOOSE?

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M SO CONFUSED.

THINK, MOOSE. THINK.

THINK ABOUT WHAT'S
REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU--

YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY,
FOOTBALL.

I CAN'T THINK!
I DON'T KNOW HOW!

[ALL YELLING]

YOU KNOW
MORE THAN YOU THINK,

AND I KNOW SOMETHING, TOO!

I KNOW I WANT
MY MOOSEY BACK!

YAAAH!

UNH.

WHAT?

[GASPS]

MIDGE!

FUNNY. HE WASN'T SO CONCERNED
WHEN HE TRASHED US.

THE MACHINE--QUICK!

MIDGE, SPEAK TO ME!

OH, MOOSEY,
I KNEW YOU WERE
IN THERE SOMEWHERE.

HURRY UP BEFORE
MOOSE SEES US.

LET ME THINK.
IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

HMM. HMM. HMM.

I'LL TAKE THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

I'LL FIGURE THIS OUT SOMEHOW.

YOU'VE GOT
THE KNOWLEDGE
IN YOUR HEAD, MOOSE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS LEARN FROM IT
AND APPLY IT.

THINK, MOOSE. THINK.

[YELLING]

[SCREAMS]

Archie: EVERYONE!
BEHIND THE TABLE!

WHA--I CAN'T--
I--AAH...AAH.

MOOSE!

ARE YOU OK?
SPEAK TO ME!

WHOA. THAT'S THE TICKET.

MOOSEY!

WOW.
WHAT DID YOU DO?

OH, IT WAS EASY.

I JUST HAD TO SWITCH
A COUPLE OF WIRES,

AND IT WORKED BACKWARDS.

HMM. HMM.

GRR.

OH, MOOSEY!

Archie: IT DIDN'T TAKE
A GENIUS TO KNOW

THAT THE THINKING CAP
HAD TO BE DESTROYED...

AND IT SURE IS NICE
HAVING THE OLD MOOSE BACK.

ONLY NOW, HE'S TAKING
THE TIME TO STUDY FOR REAL.

AND AS A RESULT,

THE GRADE POINT AVERAGE
IS NOW A LITTLE HIGHER...

IN A TOWN CALLED RIVERDALE.