Archie's Weird Mysteries (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 11 - Zombies of Love - full transcript
Veronica doesn't think that Archie dotes on her enough, so she visits a witchy woman who gives her a magic potion.
Announcer: ZOMBIES OF LOVE!
THEY'RE COMING,
AND NOTHING CAN STOP THEM!
WHAT STRANGE POWER
TURNED THESE INNOCENT TEENS
INTO MINDLESS MONSTERS?
OTHER THAN HOMEWORK,
THAT IS.
FIND OUT
IN ZOMBIES OF LOVE.
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
Woman, gruff voice:
HEY, DOG!
QUIET!
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
STUPID BONE MUNCHER.
I'LL FIX HIM.
A LITTLE OF THIS
AND...THIS.
[BARKING]
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
TAKE THIS,
YOU ORNERY DOG!
THIS OUGHTA CHANGE
YOUR TUNE.
[MEOW...MEOW]
HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S BETTER.
[MEOW]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
OOH! WHERE IS
THAT LAMEBRAIN?
I'M GETTING UPSET,
AND VERONICA DOESN'T
LIKE TO GET UPSET.
SO WE'LL HAVE
A STUDY GROUP
TOMORROW, RIGHT?
OK. SHOULD I CALL REGGIE?
ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO.
AND JUST WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN,
ARCHIE ANDREWS?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET ME HERE
AT 3:30 SHARP!
BUT, RONNIE,
IT'S ONLY 3:31.
NO EXCUSE.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I HAD TO FINISH
MY WEIRD MYSTERIES
ARTICLE FOR THE PAPER.
YES, IT'S A GOOD ONE,
TOO,
ALL ABOUT
A SOUTHERN LADY
WHO CLAIMS TO BE
A CHARMER.
I'M THE ONLY CHARMER
ARCHIE NEEDS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NO. A PERSON WHO MAKES
CHARMS, SPELLS,
LOVE POTIONS--
THAT KIND OF THING.
THIS DRIVEL IS WHAT
MADE YOU LATE?
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE OF A GENTLEMAN
AND THINK ABOUT OTHERS?
YOU MEAN YOU.
OF COURSE!
YOU KNOW, ARCHIE,
YOU NEED TO CHANGE
YOUR SELFISH WAYS.
AND WHAT "WAYS"
ARE THESE?
I JUST HAPPEN
TO HAVE A LIST. AHEM...
"SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME
WITH OTHER PEOPLE,
"NOT CALLING OFTEN ENOUGH,
"SPENDING
TOO LITTLE MONEY ON ME,
"WASTING YOUR TIME
WRITING STUPID ARTICLES,
AND TALKING BACK."
BUT, RONNIE--
THERE! YOU DID IT AGAIN.
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
KIND AND GENEROUS
AND WAIT ON ME
HAND AND FOOT?
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
YOU WANT MR. PERFECT.
EXACTLY!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
RONNIE, IF I WERE
THAT PERFECT,
YOU'D BE SICK OF ME
IN 2 DAYS.
NOT AT ALL, ARCHIE.
IN FACT, I'D NEVER
LET YOU GO.
FORGET IT, VERONICA.
I'D RATHER HANG OUT
WITH FRIENDS
WHO ACCEPT ME
FOR WHO I AM.
HAVE A PERFECT DAY!
OOH! THESE DUMB ARTICLES.
ARCHIE SPENDS MORE TIME ON THEM
THAN HE DOES ON ME.
IF ONLY I COULD MAKE HIM
PAY MORE ATTENTION.
HEY! WHAT WAS THAT THING
HE WAS SAYING ABOUT A CHARMER?
SHE LIVES OUTSIDE
OF TOWN, HUH?
WELL, IT'S WORTH A TRY.
HOW INCONSIDERATE
OF THIS LUCINDA PERSON
TO LIVE SO FAR OUT OF TOWN.
HUH?
[MEOW]
NICE DOGGIE!
[MEOW MEOW]
MEOW?
AW, DON'T
PAY HIM NO MIND.
HE WON'T BITE.
AND NEITHER WILL I.
COME ON UP.
NICE, UH...KITTY?
ARE YOU
MISS LUCINDA?
NOW, HOW DO YOU KNOW
MY NAME, MISSY?
I DIDN'T THINK
ANYONE IN TOWN
KNEW OR CARED.
I READ ABOUT YOU
IN THIS NEWSPAPER
ARTICLE.
OH, OF COURSE!
THAT ARNOLD BOY.
ARCHIE.
A BIT CONSERVATIVE,
BUT A NICE FELLA.
REAL NICE.
IT SAYS HERE
THAT YOU MAKE POTIONS
AND GOOD-LUCK CHARMS.
[CHUCKLES] DON'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING YOU READ, MISSY.
I'M JUST AN OLD
SOUTHERN LADY WITH
A FEW HOME REMEDIES.
SORRY YOU MADE THE TRIP
FOR NOTHING, MISSY,
BUT THERE'S
NO MAGIC HERE.
I CAN PAY, BIG TIME.
YOU FOLKS THINK
MONEY SOLVES EVERYTHING,
DON'T YA?
WELL, YOU'RE DETERMINED,
I'LL SAY THAT FOR YOU.
COME IN.
YOU SAY YOU WANT
THIS ARNOLD BOY TO BE
TOTALLY ATTENTIVE, EH?
YES! TO THINK OF ME
MORE THAN HE THINKS
OF HIMSELF.
CAN YOU MAKE HIM
DO THAT?
OH, I CAN DO IT.
QUESTION IS,
CAN YOU TAKE IT?
TAKE IT?
I'D LOVE IT!
WHY?
'CAUSE WHEN SOMEONE PAYS
ALL THAT ATTENTION TO YOU
AND NEVER LEAVES YOU ALONE,
BE THEY FRIEND OR FAMILY,
IT CAN BE A REAL PAIN
IN THE PATOOTIE.
HA HA HA!
AW, QUIT JOKING.
THAT KIND OF DEVOTION
WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE IN FOR
A RUDE AWAKENING, MISSY.
ALL RIGHT...HERE IT IS.
IS IT BAT WINGS
OR SOMETHING?
NO, DON'T SHOW ME.
OR MAYBE GOAT HAIR?
I DON'T WANNA KNOW.
OR LIZARD EYEBALLS?
NO. IT'S...
THIS!
EEW!
A SALT SHAKER?
THAT'S IT?
NOT JUST ANY SALT,
DEARIE.
DEAD SEA SALT.
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS...
YOU GOT IT.
THANKS!
HUH?
BUT IN CASE
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
YOU CAN END THE SPELL.
JUST RING
THE VICTORY BELL
ATOP RIVERDALE HIGH
BEFORE THE SUN RISES
IN 2 DAYS' TIME.
HA! IF THIS SPELL WORKS,
WHO'D WANT TO REVERSE IT?
BYE!
CAREFUL WHAT YOU
WISH FOR, MISSY.
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
ALL RIGHT, ARCHIE,
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
ARE YOU READY TO BE
A PERFECT GENTLEMAN
AND START
TREATING ME BETTER?
YOU'RE TOO DEMANDING,
VERONICA.
NOBODY CAN LIVE UP
TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE
UP TO MINE, ARCHIE.
I LIKE YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
WELL, THANK YOU, BETTY.
SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
TO A MOVIE WITH ME TONIGHT?
Betty:
Y-E-S SPELLS YES.
WELL, BETTY,
LOOKS LIKE
ARCHIE HAS MADE
HIS CHOICE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
OOPS!
MY BLOUSE!HEY, WATCH IT!
OOH, ARCHIE,
CAN I HAVE A BITE?
SURE!
[GASPS]
NO!
HE'S A GROWING BOY!
HE NEEDS ALL THE NOURISHMENT
HE CAN GET.
MMM...MMM...
VERONICA, SWEETHEART,
WHEN DID YOUGET HERE?
HEY! OOF!
OH, LOOK!
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO EAT, DARLIN'!
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
POP! VERONICA'S HUNGRY.
YOUR BEST LOBSTER DINNER,
S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
ARCH, THIS IS
A BURGER JOINT.
THEN I'LL TAKE HER
TO AN ESTABLISHMENT
THAT KNOWS
HOW TO TREAT A LADY.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT
OUR MOVIE?
DON'T BOTHER ME,
BLONDIE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
COME, MY DEAR.
MONEY IS NO OBJECT.
AFTER ALL,
NOTHING IS TOO GOOD
FOR MY LITTLE ANGEL.
IT WORKED!
COME, MY SWEET.
WE'RE OFF ON THE MOST
FANTASTIC DATE
OF YOUR LIFE.
NO, NO, MY LOVE!
DON'T TOUCH THAT
DIRTY OLD HANDLE.
YOU MIGHT GET
YOUR TINY HAND DIRTY.
HERE. ALLOW ME.
OH, ARCHIE,
SUCH A GENTLEMAN.
STOP!
WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, THE SHAME!
WHAT?
A STAIN!
I SPILLED A DRINK THERE
YESTERDAY.
[GRUNTING]
HUH?
ARCHIE, YOUR JACKET!
LOOK, THE STAIN
DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
YOUR CAR
IS ALWAYS DIRTY.
OH, NO, VERONICA,
YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY CAR IS A CESSPOOL
OF FILTH AND SQUALOR.
IT'S NOT WORTHY
OF YOUR GREAT BEAUTY.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
TO RENT A LIMOUSINE!
YOU DESERVE THE BEST,
MY DARLING.
THAT'S TRUE.
I DO DESERVE IT.
BUT CAN WE SLOW DOWN
A BIT?
OH, NO! HOW COULD I
FORCE SOMEONE
AS DELICATE AS YOU
TO WALK?
[GASPS]
ARCHIE, STOP!
PUT ME DOWN!
WHAT'S GOT INTO ARCHIE?
HE'S ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD.
YEAH. LOOK AT HIM
CARRYING RONNIE
DOWN THE STREET.
[SIGHS] I WISH HE'D
DO THAT WITH ME.
[RING]
GOOD MORNING!
VERONICA LODGE
SPOILED ROTTEN SPEAKING.
Betty: WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF STEALING MY DATE?
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
BETTY COOPER.
LOOK, RONNIE,
I KNOW YOU BRAINWASHED
ARCHIE SOMEHOW.
HEY, CAN I HELP IT
IF I'M SO IRRESISTIBLE
THAT HE WANTS TO WAIT ON ME
HAND AND FOOT?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU DID,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED:
MR. PERFECT.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
LAST NIGHT
HE WAS CONSIDERATE,
SELFLESS, AND WELL-MANNERED.
HE EVEN CUT MY FOOD
FOR ME.
SOUNDS A BIT EXTREME.
NONSENSE. I DESERVE IT--
Archie: ♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE OCEAN ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE SEA ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE OCEAN ♪
♪ OH, BRING BACK
MY RONNIE TO ME ♪
MORNING, ARCHIE!
BE RIGHT DOWN!
THEN WE'RE OFF
TO THE BEACH.
DON'T BE TOO JEALOUS.
♪ BRING BACK, BRING BACK
♪ OH, BRING BACK MY RONNIE
TO ME, TO ME ♪
ARCHIE, IT'S 7:00
IN THE MORNING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SO EARLY?
I NEVER WENT HOME,
MY PUMPKIN.
WHAT?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN
AT YOUR FRONT DOOR
STANDING GUARD.
CAN'T LET ANY BURGLARS
OR SALESMEN DISTURB
YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.
♪ MY RONNIE LIES OVER
THE OCEAN ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE SEA ♪
ARCHIE, ARE YOU CRAZY?
CRAZY FOR YOU, MY DEAR.
ARCHIE, GO HOME
AND SLEEP.
AND STOP THAT SINGING!
[RING]
YES?
Archie: ♪ BRING BACK,
BRING BACK ♪
♪ OH, BRING BACK MY RONNIE
TO ME, TO ME-- ♪
[CRASH]
[GASPS]
HELLO!
[GASPS]
LOOK, MY DARLING,
I MADE A PILLOW FOR YOU
TO REST YOUR LOVELY
HEAD UPON.
OH, HOW NICE.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD SEW.
I LEARNED FOR YOU,
MY DOVE.
IT'S AWFULLY, UH...
FLAT.
WHAT DID YOU
STUFF IT WITH?
MY OWN HAIR.
WHAT?!
ALL I HAVE IS YOURS,
VERONICA.
YAAH!
SO, WHAT'S WITH ARCHIE?
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP
FOR STUDY GROUP
YESTERDAY OR TODAY.
AND HE MISSED THE DEADLINE
FOR HIS WEIRD MYSTERY
ARTICLE.
IF YOU ASK ME,
ARCHIE'S BECOME
HIS OWN WEIRD MYSTERY.
HE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION
TO ANYONE BUT VERONICA.
[MUNCHING]
HE DOESN'T EAT,
DOESN'T SLEEP,
HE LOOKS TERRIBLE.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE
HE'S TURNING INTO
VERONICA'S ZOMBIE.
SO WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
VERONICA!
SHH!
DO YOU WANT HIM
TO FIND ME?
WHO?
ARCHIE.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
I CAN'T STAND IT!
ADMIT IT--
YOU DID SOMETHING
TO ARCHIE.
NOW, SPILL.
OK, OK!
I GAVE HIM THIS.
MAGIC SALT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU'RE STARTING
TO SOUND NUTTIER
THAN ARCHIE'S ARTICLES.
NO! REALLY!
[POUNDING]
VERONICA!
AAH!
Archie: VERONICA!
DO YOU BELIEVE
HER MAGIC SALT STORY?
NO. RONNIE WILL SAY
ANYTHING TO GET ATTENTION.
LARGE FRIES--
THEY'RE ON THE HOUSE.
MMM! YUM-YUM-YUM!
MMM!
YOU WANT SOME, TOO, POP?
SURE. WHAT HARM
COULD IT DO?
[MUNCHING]
[PANTING]
MISS LUCINDA!
WAKE UP!
IT'S ME--VERONICA!
IT'S 4 A.M.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT,
HIDING!
ARCHIE WON'T LEAVE ME
ALONE!
SO, THINGS GOT
A LITTLE TOOPERFECT
FOR YOU, HUH?
HE MAY HAVE FOLLOWED ME.
PLEASE LET ME IN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
ARCHIE IS ALL OVER ME
LIKE PAINT.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS!
BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
THAT KIND OF DEVOTION.
NO. I DON'T WANT
A PERFECT ARCHIE ANYMORE.
I JUST WANT THE REGULAR
OLD DOOFUS ARCHIE AGAIN.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU
THE CURE.
BUT IF I GO BACK
TO THE SCHOOL
AND RING THAT BELL,
HE'LL FIND ME AGAIN.
CAN'T YOU JUST HIDE ME?
LISTEN, MISSY,
THIS ISN'T JUST
YOUR HAPPINESS AT STAKE.
IF ARCHIE DOESN'T
SNAP OUT OF THIS SOON,
HE'LL NEVER EAT
OR SLEEP AGAIN.
YOU MEAN HE COULD--
DIE?
THEN YOU'LL HAVE
A REAL ZOMBIE
FOLLOWING YOU AROUND
FOREVER.
NO!
DO SOMETHING!
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S START BY YOU
GIVING ME BACK
THAT SALT SHAKER.
I--I DON'T HAVE IT!
I MUST HAVE LEFT IT
AT POP'S SHOPPE.
WHAT?! YOU LEFT IT
WHERE OTHER PEOPLE
COULD TASTE IT?
I...FORGOT!
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?!
Miss Lucinda: SOON A WHOLE
NEW BATCH OF FOLKS
WILL BE DEVOTED TO YOU.
All: VERONICA...
VERONICA...
OH, YOU MADE A MESS
OF IT NOW,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
THEY'LL BE HERE
ANY SECOND.
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE JOKING.
Zombies: VERONICA...
WHAT'S THAT?!
YOUR FAN CLUB.
Zombies: VERONICA...
VERONICA...
LET US IN, VERONICA.
WE LOVE YOU, VERONICA.
OHHH!
[POUNDING]
LET US SERVE YOU!
AAAAHHH!
QUICK! GIVE ME A HAND HERE.
WE GOTTA KEEP THEM OUT.
VERONICA!
DON'T SHUT ME OUT.
LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND,
VERONICA.
COME ON, MISSY,
I NEED YOUR HELP.
NO!
NO!
AAH!
VERONICA!
VERONICA!
AAAHHH!
[GASPS]
THAT'S IT, MISSY.
THESE ZOMBIES
YOU BROUGHT HERE
ARE WRECKING MY HOME.
NOW, YOU GET OUT OF HERE
AND TAKE THEM WITH YOU.
NO!
HELP!
LET ME IN!
MISS LUCINDA, HELP ME!
GO RING THE SCHOOL
VICTORY BELL.
IT'S ALMOST DAWN.
THERE SHE IS.
All: VERONICA, WAIT FOR US.
WE ADORE YOU.
WAIT. YOU HEARD THE LADY.
VERONICA IS HEADED
FOR SCHOOL.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT.
[PANTING]
UNH!
[PANTING]
IT'S GETTING LIGHTER!
RIVERDALE HIGH!
I MADE IT!
AAH!
VERONICA, I CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU.
UHH!
UNH!
OHH!
WAIT, VERONICA.
LET ME COOK FOR YOU.
YES!
UHH!
HUH?!
WE CAN'T LET YOU RING
THE BELL, VERONICA.
YOU BELONG TO US.
I'VE GOT TO GO
UP ON THE ROOF.
All: VERONICA!
VERONICA!
LET ME DO YOUR HOMEWORK
FOR YOU, VERONICA.
OOF!
Zombies: VERONICA!
VERONICA!
VERONICA!
VERONICA, I KNOW
YOU'VE ALWAYS LIKED
THIS SWEATER.
HERE. IT'S YOURS.
HUH?
HUH?
HMM.
I DO LIKE THAT SWEATER.
IT'S SO SOFT.
VERONICA! VERONICA!WHAT AM I DOING?
VERONICA!
OHH! UNH!
DON'T DO IT, VERONICA.
UNH!
UHH!
AAH!
[COUGH COUGH]
VERONICA,
LET ME STAY WITH YOU
FOREVER.
[COUGH]
YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME.
NO, ARCHIE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
EVERYTHING TO YOU.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO BE YOURSELF.
VERONICA,
YOU'RE OURS NOW.
NO!
LET ME RING THAT BELL!
IT'S ALMOST DAWN!
LET ME GO!
WE CAN'T, VERONICA.
WE NEED YOU.
ARCHIE, YOU ADORE ME,
RIGHT?
ARCHIE ADORES VERONICA.
AND YOU'D DO ANYTHING
FOR ME?
ANYTHING.
THEN, ARCHIE, DARLING,
RING THAT BELL.
ANYTHING FOR VERONICA.
All: NO! STOP! DON'T!
[RINGING]
OHH...
I'M TOO LATE!
RONNIE, WHAT ARE WE DOING
UP HERE ON THE ROOF?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
AND WHERE'S MY SWEATER?
[KISS]
OH, YOU'RE BACK!
YOU'RE BACK!
AND I LIKE YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO GET YOU A HAT.
[LAUGHING]
Archie: THIS WAS A TOUGH
ARTICLE FOR ME TO WRITE,
SINCE I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING I WENT THROUGH.
VERONICA TELLS ME
I WAS A REAL PAIN.
I GUESS ANYTIME A RELATIONSHIP
BECOMES TOO OBSESSIVE,
IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE.
IN OTHER WORDS,
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
IS A BAD THING.
BUT EVERYTHING'S
BACK TO NORMAL NOW,
EXCEPT THAT I WON'T BE
GOING TO THE BARBER
FOR A WHILE--
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.
[CAT MEOWING]
Man: HEY! QUIET, YOU!
[MEOW]
THEY'RE COMING,
AND NOTHING CAN STOP THEM!
WHAT STRANGE POWER
TURNED THESE INNOCENT TEENS
INTO MINDLESS MONSTERS?
OTHER THAN HOMEWORK,
THAT IS.
FIND OUT
IN ZOMBIES OF LOVE.
♪ WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHO IS GONNA
CRACK THE CASE? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THAT REDHEAD
WITH THE FRECKLED FACE ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ THINGS ARE GETTIN' WEIRD
IN RIVERDALE ♪
♪ HEY, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ WHAT IS GOING ON
IN THIS TOWN? ♪
♪ ARCHIE'S
♪ WEIRD
♪ MYSTERIES
♪ ARCHIE, REGGIE
♪ VERONICA, BETTY
♪ JUGHEAD, TOO
♪ WEIRD
♪ ARCHIE'S
WEIRD MYSTERIES ♪
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
Woman, gruff voice:
HEY, DOG!
QUIET!
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
STUPID BONE MUNCHER.
I'LL FIX HIM.
A LITTLE OF THIS
AND...THIS.
[BARKING]
[RUFF RUFF RUFF]
TAKE THIS,
YOU ORNERY DOG!
THIS OUGHTA CHANGE
YOUR TUNE.
[MEOW...MEOW]
HA HA HA HA!
THAT'S BETTER.
[MEOW]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
OOH! WHERE IS
THAT LAMEBRAIN?
I'M GETTING UPSET,
AND VERONICA DOESN'T
LIKE TO GET UPSET.
SO WE'LL HAVE
A STUDY GROUP
TOMORROW, RIGHT?
OK. SHOULD I CALL REGGIE?
ONLY IF YOU HAVE TO.
AND JUST WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN,
ARCHIE ANDREWS?
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET ME HERE
AT 3:30 SHARP!
BUT, RONNIE,
IT'S ONLY 3:31.
NO EXCUSE.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I HAD TO FINISH
MY WEIRD MYSTERIES
ARTICLE FOR THE PAPER.
YES, IT'S A GOOD ONE,
TOO,
ALL ABOUT
A SOUTHERN LADY
WHO CLAIMS TO BE
A CHARMER.
I'M THE ONLY CHARMER
ARCHIE NEEDS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NO. A PERSON WHO MAKES
CHARMS, SPELLS,
LOVE POTIONS--
THAT KIND OF THING.
THIS DRIVEL IS WHAT
MADE YOU LATE?
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE OF A GENTLEMAN
AND THINK ABOUT OTHERS?
YOU MEAN YOU.
OF COURSE!
YOU KNOW, ARCHIE,
YOU NEED TO CHANGE
YOUR SELFISH WAYS.
AND WHAT "WAYS"
ARE THESE?
I JUST HAPPEN
TO HAVE A LIST. AHEM...
"SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME
WITH OTHER PEOPLE,
"NOT CALLING OFTEN ENOUGH,
"SPENDING
TOO LITTLE MONEY ON ME,
"WASTING YOUR TIME
WRITING STUPID ARTICLES,
AND TALKING BACK."
BUT, RONNIE--
THERE! YOU DID IT AGAIN.
WHY CAN'T YOU BE
KIND AND GENEROUS
AND WAIT ON ME
HAND AND FOOT?
YOU DON'T WANT ME.
YOU WANT MR. PERFECT.
EXACTLY!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
RONNIE, IF I WERE
THAT PERFECT,
YOU'D BE SICK OF ME
IN 2 DAYS.
NOT AT ALL, ARCHIE.
IN FACT, I'D NEVER
LET YOU GO.
FORGET IT, VERONICA.
I'D RATHER HANG OUT
WITH FRIENDS
WHO ACCEPT ME
FOR WHO I AM.
HAVE A PERFECT DAY!
OOH! THESE DUMB ARTICLES.
ARCHIE SPENDS MORE TIME ON THEM
THAN HE DOES ON ME.
IF ONLY I COULD MAKE HIM
PAY MORE ATTENTION.
HEY! WHAT WAS THAT THING
HE WAS SAYING ABOUT A CHARMER?
SHE LIVES OUTSIDE
OF TOWN, HUH?
WELL, IT'S WORTH A TRY.
HOW INCONSIDERATE
OF THIS LUCINDA PERSON
TO LIVE SO FAR OUT OF TOWN.
HUH?
[MEOW]
NICE DOGGIE!
[MEOW MEOW]
MEOW?
AW, DON'T
PAY HIM NO MIND.
HE WON'T BITE.
AND NEITHER WILL I.
COME ON UP.
NICE, UH...KITTY?
ARE YOU
MISS LUCINDA?
NOW, HOW DO YOU KNOW
MY NAME, MISSY?
I DIDN'T THINK
ANYONE IN TOWN
KNEW OR CARED.
I READ ABOUT YOU
IN THIS NEWSPAPER
ARTICLE.
OH, OF COURSE!
THAT ARNOLD BOY.
ARCHIE.
A BIT CONSERVATIVE,
BUT A NICE FELLA.
REAL NICE.
IT SAYS HERE
THAT YOU MAKE POTIONS
AND GOOD-LUCK CHARMS.
[CHUCKLES] DON'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING YOU READ, MISSY.
I'M JUST AN OLD
SOUTHERN LADY WITH
A FEW HOME REMEDIES.
SORRY YOU MADE THE TRIP
FOR NOTHING, MISSY,
BUT THERE'S
NO MAGIC HERE.
I CAN PAY, BIG TIME.
YOU FOLKS THINK
MONEY SOLVES EVERYTHING,
DON'T YA?
WELL, YOU'RE DETERMINED,
I'LL SAY THAT FOR YOU.
COME IN.
YOU SAY YOU WANT
THIS ARNOLD BOY TO BE
TOTALLY ATTENTIVE, EH?
YES! TO THINK OF ME
MORE THAN HE THINKS
OF HIMSELF.
CAN YOU MAKE HIM
DO THAT?
OH, I CAN DO IT.
QUESTION IS,
CAN YOU TAKE IT?
TAKE IT?
I'D LOVE IT!
WHY?
'CAUSE WHEN SOMEONE PAYS
ALL THAT ATTENTION TO YOU
AND NEVER LEAVES YOU ALONE,
BE THEY FRIEND OR FAMILY,
IT CAN BE A REAL PAIN
IN THE PATOOTIE.
HA HA HA!
AW, QUIT JOKING.
THAT KIND OF DEVOTION
WOULD BE WONDERFUL.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE IN FOR
A RUDE AWAKENING, MISSY.
ALL RIGHT...HERE IT IS.
IS IT BAT WINGS
OR SOMETHING?
NO, DON'T SHOW ME.
OR MAYBE GOAT HAIR?
I DON'T WANNA KNOW.
OR LIZARD EYEBALLS?
NO. IT'S...
THIS!
EEW!
A SALT SHAKER?
THAT'S IT?
NOT JUST ANY SALT,
DEARIE.
DEAD SEA SALT.
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS...
YOU GOT IT.
THANKS!
HUH?
BUT IN CASE
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
YOU CAN END THE SPELL.
JUST RING
THE VICTORY BELL
ATOP RIVERDALE HIGH
BEFORE THE SUN RISES
IN 2 DAYS' TIME.
HA! IF THIS SPELL WORKS,
WHO'D WANT TO REVERSE IT?
BYE!
CAREFUL WHAT YOU
WISH FOR, MISSY.
CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
ALL RIGHT, ARCHIE,
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
ARE YOU READY TO BE
A PERFECT GENTLEMAN
AND START
TREATING ME BETTER?
YOU'RE TOO DEMANDING,
VERONICA.
NOBODY CAN LIVE UP
TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE
UP TO MINE, ARCHIE.
I LIKE YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
WELL, THANK YOU, BETTY.
SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO
TO A MOVIE WITH ME TONIGHT?
Betty:
Y-E-S SPELLS YES.
WELL, BETTY,
LOOKS LIKE
ARCHIE HAS MADE
HIS CHOICE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
OOPS!
MY BLOUSE!HEY, WATCH IT!
OOH, ARCHIE,
CAN I HAVE A BITE?
SURE!
[GASPS]
NO!
HE'S A GROWING BOY!
HE NEEDS ALL THE NOURISHMENT
HE CAN GET.
MMM...MMM...
VERONICA, SWEETHEART,
WHEN DID YOUGET HERE?
HEY! OOF!
OH, LOOK!
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO EAT, DARLIN'!
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
POP! VERONICA'S HUNGRY.
YOUR BEST LOBSTER DINNER,
S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
ARCH, THIS IS
A BURGER JOINT.
THEN I'LL TAKE HER
TO AN ESTABLISHMENT
THAT KNOWS
HOW TO TREAT A LADY.
HEY, WHAT ABOUT
OUR MOVIE?
DON'T BOTHER ME,
BLONDIE.
I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK TO STRANGERS.
COME, MY DEAR.
MONEY IS NO OBJECT.
AFTER ALL,
NOTHING IS TOO GOOD
FOR MY LITTLE ANGEL.
IT WORKED!
COME, MY SWEET.
WE'RE OFF ON THE MOST
FANTASTIC DATE
OF YOUR LIFE.
NO, NO, MY LOVE!
DON'T TOUCH THAT
DIRTY OLD HANDLE.
YOU MIGHT GET
YOUR TINY HAND DIRTY.
HERE. ALLOW ME.
OH, ARCHIE,
SUCH A GENTLEMAN.
STOP!
WHAT'S WRONG?
OH, THE SHAME!
WHAT?
A STAIN!
I SPILLED A DRINK THERE
YESTERDAY.
[GRUNTING]
HUH?
ARCHIE, YOUR JACKET!
LOOK, THE STAIN
DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
YOUR CAR
IS ALWAYS DIRTY.
OH, NO, VERONICA,
YOU'RE RIGHT!
MY CAR IS A CESSPOOL
OF FILTH AND SQUALOR.
IT'S NOT WORTHY
OF YOUR GREAT BEAUTY.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
TO RENT A LIMOUSINE!
YOU DESERVE THE BEST,
MY DARLING.
THAT'S TRUE.
I DO DESERVE IT.
BUT CAN WE SLOW DOWN
A BIT?
OH, NO! HOW COULD I
FORCE SOMEONE
AS DELICATE AS YOU
TO WALK?
[GASPS]
ARCHIE, STOP!
PUT ME DOWN!
WHAT'S GOT INTO ARCHIE?
HE'S ACTING TOTALLY WEIRD.
YEAH. LOOK AT HIM
CARRYING RONNIE
DOWN THE STREET.
[SIGHS] I WISH HE'D
DO THAT WITH ME.
[RING]
GOOD MORNING!
VERONICA LODGE
SPOILED ROTTEN SPEAKING.
Betty: WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF STEALING MY DATE?
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
BETTY COOPER.
LOOK, RONNIE,
I KNOW YOU BRAINWASHED
ARCHIE SOMEHOW.
HEY, CAN I HELP IT
IF I'M SO IRRESISTIBLE
THAT HE WANTS TO WAIT ON ME
HAND AND FOOT?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU DID,
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT
EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANTED:
MR. PERFECT.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
LAST NIGHT
HE WAS CONSIDERATE,
SELFLESS, AND WELL-MANNERED.
HE EVEN CUT MY FOOD
FOR ME.
SOUNDS A BIT EXTREME.
NONSENSE. I DESERVE IT--
Archie: ♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE OCEAN ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE SEA ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE OCEAN ♪
♪ OH, BRING BACK
MY RONNIE TO ME ♪
MORNING, ARCHIE!
BE RIGHT DOWN!
THEN WE'RE OFF
TO THE BEACH.
DON'T BE TOO JEALOUS.
♪ BRING BACK, BRING BACK
♪ OH, BRING BACK MY RONNIE
TO ME, TO ME ♪
ARCHIE, IT'S 7:00
IN THE MORNING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SO EARLY?
I NEVER WENT HOME,
MY PUMPKIN.
WHAT?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I'VE BEEN
AT YOUR FRONT DOOR
STANDING GUARD.
CAN'T LET ANY BURGLARS
OR SALESMEN DISTURB
YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.
♪ MY RONNIE LIES OVER
THE OCEAN ♪
♪ MY RONNIE
LIES OVER THE SEA ♪
ARCHIE, ARE YOU CRAZY?
CRAZY FOR YOU, MY DEAR.
ARCHIE, GO HOME
AND SLEEP.
AND STOP THAT SINGING!
[RING]
YES?
Archie: ♪ BRING BACK,
BRING BACK ♪
♪ OH, BRING BACK MY RONNIE
TO ME, TO ME-- ♪
[CRASH]
[GASPS]
HELLO!
[GASPS]
LOOK, MY DARLING,
I MADE A PILLOW FOR YOU
TO REST YOUR LOVELY
HEAD UPON.
OH, HOW NICE.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD SEW.
I LEARNED FOR YOU,
MY DOVE.
IT'S AWFULLY, UH...
FLAT.
WHAT DID YOU
STUFF IT WITH?
MY OWN HAIR.
WHAT?!
ALL I HAVE IS YOURS,
VERONICA.
YAAH!
SO, WHAT'S WITH ARCHIE?
HE DIDN'T SHOW UP
FOR STUDY GROUP
YESTERDAY OR TODAY.
AND HE MISSED THE DEADLINE
FOR HIS WEIRD MYSTERY
ARTICLE.
IF YOU ASK ME,
ARCHIE'S BECOME
HIS OWN WEIRD MYSTERY.
HE DOESN'T PAY ATTENTION
TO ANYONE BUT VERONICA.
[MUNCHING]
HE DOESN'T EAT,
DOESN'T SLEEP,
HE LOOKS TERRIBLE.
YEAH, IT'S LIKE
HE'S TURNING INTO
VERONICA'S ZOMBIE.
SO WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
VERONICA!
SHH!
DO YOU WANT HIM
TO FIND ME?
WHO?
ARCHIE.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
I CAN'T STAND IT!
ADMIT IT--
YOU DID SOMETHING
TO ARCHIE.
NOW, SPILL.
OK, OK!
I GAVE HIM THIS.
MAGIC SALT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU'RE STARTING
TO SOUND NUTTIER
THAN ARCHIE'S ARTICLES.
NO! REALLY!
[POUNDING]
VERONICA!
AAH!
Archie: VERONICA!
DO YOU BELIEVE
HER MAGIC SALT STORY?
NO. RONNIE WILL SAY
ANYTHING TO GET ATTENTION.
LARGE FRIES--
THEY'RE ON THE HOUSE.
MMM! YUM-YUM-YUM!
MMM!
YOU WANT SOME, TOO, POP?
SURE. WHAT HARM
COULD IT DO?
[MUNCHING]
[PANTING]
MISS LUCINDA!
WAKE UP!
IT'S ME--VERONICA!
IT'S 4 A.M.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT,
HIDING!
ARCHIE WON'T LEAVE ME
ALONE!
SO, THINGS GOT
A LITTLE TOOPERFECT
FOR YOU, HUH?
HE MAY HAVE FOLLOWED ME.
PLEASE LET ME IN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
ARCHIE IS ALL OVER ME
LIKE PAINT.
HE'S DRIVING ME NUTS!
BUT YOU SAID YOU WANTED
THAT KIND OF DEVOTION.
NO. I DON'T WANT
A PERFECT ARCHIE ANYMORE.
I JUST WANT THE REGULAR
OLD DOOFUS ARCHIE AGAIN.
I ALREADY TOLD YOU
THE CURE.
BUT IF I GO BACK
TO THE SCHOOL
AND RING THAT BELL,
HE'LL FIND ME AGAIN.
CAN'T YOU JUST HIDE ME?
LISTEN, MISSY,
THIS ISN'T JUST
YOUR HAPPINESS AT STAKE.
IF ARCHIE DOESN'T
SNAP OUT OF THIS SOON,
HE'LL NEVER EAT
OR SLEEP AGAIN.
YOU MEAN HE COULD--
DIE?
THEN YOU'LL HAVE
A REAL ZOMBIE
FOLLOWING YOU AROUND
FOREVER.
NO!
DO SOMETHING!
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S START BY YOU
GIVING ME BACK
THAT SALT SHAKER.
I--I DON'T HAVE IT!
I MUST HAVE LEFT IT
AT POP'S SHOPPE.
WHAT?! YOU LEFT IT
WHERE OTHER PEOPLE
COULD TASTE IT?
I...FORGOT!
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?!
Miss Lucinda: SOON A WHOLE
NEW BATCH OF FOLKS
WILL BE DEVOTED TO YOU.
All: VERONICA...
VERONICA...
OH, YOU MADE A MESS
OF IT NOW,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
THEY'LL BE HERE
ANY SECOND.
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE JOKING.
Zombies: VERONICA...
WHAT'S THAT?!
YOUR FAN CLUB.
Zombies: VERONICA...
VERONICA...
LET US IN, VERONICA.
WE LOVE YOU, VERONICA.
OHHH!
[POUNDING]
LET US SERVE YOU!
AAAAHHH!
QUICK! GIVE ME A HAND HERE.
WE GOTTA KEEP THEM OUT.
VERONICA!
DON'T SHUT ME OUT.
LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND,
VERONICA.
COME ON, MISSY,
I NEED YOUR HELP.
NO!
NO!
AAH!
VERONICA!
VERONICA!
AAAHHH!
[GASPS]
THAT'S IT, MISSY.
THESE ZOMBIES
YOU BROUGHT HERE
ARE WRECKING MY HOME.
NOW, YOU GET OUT OF HERE
AND TAKE THEM WITH YOU.
NO!
HELP!
LET ME IN!
MISS LUCINDA, HELP ME!
GO RING THE SCHOOL
VICTORY BELL.
IT'S ALMOST DAWN.
THERE SHE IS.
All: VERONICA, WAIT FOR US.
WE ADORE YOU.
WAIT. YOU HEARD THE LADY.
VERONICA IS HEADED
FOR SCHOOL.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT.
[PANTING]
UNH!
[PANTING]
IT'S GETTING LIGHTER!
RIVERDALE HIGH!
I MADE IT!
AAH!
VERONICA, I CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOU.
UHH!
UNH!
OHH!
WAIT, VERONICA.
LET ME COOK FOR YOU.
YES!
UHH!
HUH?!
WE CAN'T LET YOU RING
THE BELL, VERONICA.
YOU BELONG TO US.
I'VE GOT TO GO
UP ON THE ROOF.
All: VERONICA!
VERONICA!
LET ME DO YOUR HOMEWORK
FOR YOU, VERONICA.
OOF!
Zombies: VERONICA!
VERONICA!
VERONICA!
VERONICA, I KNOW
YOU'VE ALWAYS LIKED
THIS SWEATER.
HERE. IT'S YOURS.
HUH?
HUH?
HMM.
I DO LIKE THAT SWEATER.
IT'S SO SOFT.
VERONICA! VERONICA!WHAT AM I DOING?
VERONICA!
OHH! UNH!
DON'T DO IT, VERONICA.
UNH!
UHH!
AAH!
[COUGH COUGH]
VERONICA,
LET ME STAY WITH YOU
FOREVER.
[COUGH]
YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME.
NO, ARCHIE.
I DON'T WANT TO BE
EVERYTHING TO YOU.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO BE YOURSELF.
VERONICA,
YOU'RE OURS NOW.
NO!
LET ME RING THAT BELL!
IT'S ALMOST DAWN!
LET ME GO!
WE CAN'T, VERONICA.
WE NEED YOU.
ARCHIE, YOU ADORE ME,
RIGHT?
ARCHIE ADORES VERONICA.
AND YOU'D DO ANYTHING
FOR ME?
ANYTHING.
THEN, ARCHIE, DARLING,
RING THAT BELL.
ANYTHING FOR VERONICA.
All: NO! STOP! DON'T!
[RINGING]
OHH...
I'M TOO LATE!
RONNIE, WHAT ARE WE DOING
UP HERE ON THE ROOF?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
AND WHERE'S MY SWEATER?
[KISS]
OH, YOU'RE BACK!
YOU'RE BACK!
AND I LIKE YOU
JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
BUT WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO GET YOU A HAT.
[LAUGHING]
Archie: THIS WAS A TOUGH
ARTICLE FOR ME TO WRITE,
SINCE I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING I WENT THROUGH.
VERONICA TELLS ME
I WAS A REAL PAIN.
I GUESS ANYTIME A RELATIONSHIP
BECOMES TOO OBSESSIVE,
IT'S NOT FUN ANYMORE.
IN OTHER WORDS,
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
IS A BAD THING.
BUT EVERYTHING'S
BACK TO NORMAL NOW,
EXCEPT THAT I WON'T BE
GOING TO THE BARBER
FOR A WHILE--
IN A LITTLE TOWN
CALLED RIVERDALE.
[CAT MEOWING]
Man: HEY! QUIET, YOU!
[MEOW]