Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Archer Sanction - full transcript

Archer, Lana and Ray travel to the Swiss Alps to carry out an assassination, while Cyril, Pam and the rest of the gang capitalize on having a little free time.

I dunno,
it just feels weird.

That's just the altitude,

I'm talking about the--

Try popping your ears,
go like this...

Mawp, mawp, mawp,

it's not my ears!

my ears won't pop.

did you bring gum?

Well great,
trip's ruined.

Sorry, ray forgot
to bring gum--

I'm talking about
the fact

That we're about to climb
a swiss goddamn frickin alp

To assassinate somebody!

The target's an assassin,

Not a king, or a pope,
or a-- vice-pope.

So it's not assassination.
It's just a extrajudicial

And that makes it better.

Yes, lana, that's why
they made up

A whole different word
for it.

And the cia told mother
the target has killed judges

And prosecutors and bankers
and generals all over the world,

So god knows how many
actual assassinations

We'll be preventing.

And of course your mother
would do anything to impress
the cia,

oh, my god!

You have to try this!
Hot cocoa, dark creme de cacao,

Hint of creme de menthe,
and peppermint schnapps.

I call it a peppermint patty.


that is your major loss.

Ooh, can I try it?

How hard is it to remember gum?

okay, so tonight we infiltrate
this swanky climbing party.

Then tomorrow we
extra-judicially kill this guy.

Yeah, or woman.

Wait, what?
Excuse me?

We kill whoever it is.

You don't know
who the target is?

I mean...
Ugh, god dammit.

And since you obviously didn't
read the mission dossier--

For your information, lana...
I skimmed it.

And bully for you.
Give it here.


God dammit!
Where the hell is it?

I assume on the back
of my toilet.

What, lana? Look at all
the shit I had to pack.

I don't know what people
are gonna be wearing for

and ray didn't bring
the gum!




Just like every car trip
I ever took with mom and daddy.

Only I'm not getting whipped
with a fan belt.

Lana, wait!
I just remembered a crucial
detail about the target.

I made a mental note
of it at the time.

Oh! Oh, my...

And you must be
our late reservations.

Good to see some
fellow americans.

I'm your guide,
crash mccarran.

Is-- um... I thought
there were three of you.

One of us is weeping
in the car.

Oh. Uh, okay,

Well, come on in and meet
the rest of the climbing party.

That's hans hessler,
from germany.

Guten abend.

Mario savino,
from Italy...


And michiko ishikawa,
from japan.

We're just heading into
the bar for some gluhwein.

Why don't you join us
when you're ready?

Well? What's this
"crucial detail"

You remembered
about the target?

The target was from a country
that in world war two,

Was an axis power.


Ray forgot the gum.

so... How'd you
get the name crash?

Oh, it's a long story...

About me saving the lives
of eight other climbers

Right after an avalanche.


Is I bet the sound
an avalanche makes.

Uh, no, it's more like
a freight train full
of tornadoes,

Which are in turn
full of smaller freight trains.

Which are in turn
full of shit.

She just had a baby.

Ya know...
I didn't.

Okay, well, we've got

An extremely difficult climb
tomorrow, guys,

So you might wanna
take it easy on the...

c'mon, if you've climbed it...

How hard can it be?

[annoyed sigh]

die totenspitz...

For those of you who don't speak
german, that means...

Herr hessler?
Ze peak... Of death.

Fifteen thousand feet

Of some of the most dangerous
climbing in all of europe.

Unstable seracs, frequent
avalanches, and hundreds
of crevasses

That can swallow entire climbing
parties in a split-second.

One in every seven climbers

Who has dared to climb
die totenspitz

Has paid
with his life.

So yes,
she's earned her name, alri --

[annoyed sigh]

Okay people, I want
a good alpine start tomorrow,

So pack your gear
and get some sleep.

We head out at dawn.

And that's a.M.?

As opposed to?

P.M. Dawn?

Set adrift on memory bliss.
Come on, buddy.

The mountain is dangerous...

Very dangerous...

So you should
watch your step.

great climb, everybody!


So, instead of antagonizing
the person responsible
for our safety--

What, shamelessly flirt
with him?

Was it obvious?

Maybe call malory
on the sat-phone,

And find out who
the damn target is!

One step ahead of you!

May I please
have the sat-phone?

It's mother's fault anyway,

You're obviously
the one she should've --


Hey, it's me,
quick question --

let me guess --

Oh, how's a.J.?
Because if the rash came back,

What she needs to --
shut up, please?

Although actually yes,
how is a.J.?

that's why you called?

Uh, no, actually
I'm calling because --

you haven't
the foggiest idea

What it is you're
supposed to be doing.

Ugh, I know what, mother,
I just don't know--

let me speak to lana.


No, I meant --
sterling, let me speak to--

No! Because you're gonna tell
her she's agent-in-command,

So that when she's not
pathetically trying
to make me jealous

By hitting on this idiot
beard-face sweater-model,

She's gonna lord it over
me and ray,

Who, by the way,
forgot to bring gum!

are you finished?

good, because...

the voice mailbox of...

Elaborate voicemail hoax

Is full.

[dial tone]

I guess you had that coming.

How so?
Gimme that...

And if I wanted
to make you jealous--


Shut up.
Let me talk to malory.

make me,
and also hang on.

What the stupid shit
are you doing?

You said
you wanted watermelon!

Watermelon's red?

Wh-? Yes!
How do you not know that?

Who am I,
charles fredric andrus?

[clears throat]
she didn't come in today.

well where is she?

I assume somewhere else.

It's like...

yeah, right?

Ya find it?


Find what?

Just don't make
any sudden movements.

Bowel or otherwise.

Wh-? Why would we make
a sudden bowel movement?

Don't worry about it.

Rrgh! No answer at home,
no answer on her cell!

So not only do we not know
who the target is,

Now your mother
has absconded with my child!

but on the plus side,
there are seven of us,

So if one out of seven climbers
dies on this mountain...

Maybe we'll get lucky.

Yeah, maybe it'll be you.

No, not me, dummy,

I meant-- oh,
I get it.

I see what
you did there.



c'mon, c'mon...

Pick up, pick up, pick up--


Oh thank god,
you're still at the office.

I am?

Aw, maaan...

I need you to find--


What? Goddammit!

I need you to--
shut up!

--and listen!
I need you to check

Malory's apartment
for me.

all right,
pick it up, people!

The weather's good now
but it can change on a dime!

Michiko, right there,
that's your line.

Now, stay on it, and work
across toward the ridge.

hai, okay.

Looking good guys,
looking real good!

Oh, this old thing?
It's just --
keep walking.


Yeah, sorry,
I was just--

Keep it handy. I'm getting
a majorly weird vibe

From um-- from
one of the other climbers.

Oh, yeah, no, just tell him
you're not interested.

No, not him,
one of the others.

Yeah what's up,
what're we doing?

Uh, besides jeopardizing
the entire rope line

By being out of position?

obviously besides that.

Crash has a bad feeling about
one of the other climbers.

Oh, he's harmless,
just tell him--

Not ray.
One of the others.

And also ah-who?

Well, look,
maybe it's nothing, but--

Get down!
You're not my supervi--!

Oh, no!

Hang on!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Hang on!

I got a key,
ya skimpnuts.

Oh yeah, me, too.

Why do you have keys
to her apartment?

Ron gave them to us,

When they were doing
that weird open-house thing.

Open marriage.

Well that explains that...

You both had sex
with hopefully ron?

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

But I just wanna say,

Breaking into
ms. Archer's apartment

To hopefully find
a crying baby

Clinging to her dead
and shriveled body

Is the best birthday present
I've ever gotten.


Except for that
formula one team.

Dibs on snacks.

Looks like
pam's lucky night...

Because of the snacks,
ya dickholes!


Michiko! Michikooooo!

I can't see her!
There's a ledge!

Hang on, I'm coming!

Do not move!
Don't move!

Everybody stay put,
keep the weight spread out!

I'm gonna clip on,
abseil down on a v-thread,

And try to reach her!

I'm gonna blip blorp,
blobba-do dob onna beep borp,

Check out mah beard!

Little jealous?
Little bit, yeah.

No no no, damn it!

Guys, be ready
to pull on my command!

And we gotta hurry.
A storm's coming!

Um, should somebody
call the ghostbusters?

Okay, here goes!
And pull on my command!

So, will your feelings
be super-hurt if I bang him?


no, nothing in the study.

Krieger, how about
the other guest bedroom?

no, nothing.

no sign of ms. Archer
or the baby...

Pam, how about
in the kitchen? Pam?

[mouth full]
no, nothing.

wh-? You better
be eating snacks!


wait, yeah, where is carol?


Oh, god,
somebody kill me.

We thought you threw up.


What're you--
is that a radish?

And literally
the most fattening thing

In the entire goddamn fridge.

No wonder
she's so frickin skinny.

everything else
is in plastic bags.

What was that?

Don't worry about it.

okay, ready?



okay, okay!
Ease up, ease up...

Was?! Wo ist michiko?!

She's dead.

Gott im himmel...
Dio mio...

The fall...
Must've broken her neck.

Oh, my god...

Well, now, that could be very
good for us.

Japan? Axis power?

Okay people, listen up!

We've got a blizzard
rolling in on us right now!

there's no time to descend!

We've gotta bivouac
right here, right now!

C'mon, people, let's move!

B-but, what about michiko?!

You mean her body.

she's dead,

But we're alive!
And you never let

The dead jeopardize
the entire party!

Now, you would know
that if you were

An experienced climber
like you said you were!

You think it's hessler?

Axis power germany...

Axis power Italy...

then yeah, I dunno.


Okay, listen up,

Now, we've only
got two bivvy tents!


And two bivvy sacks!
But that's okay,

Because it's gonna
hit 70 below,

So if we wanna live,
we're gonna have to combine

Our body heat.
Wait, do huh?

So what we're gonna
do is strip down naked.

We're gonna go three to a tent,
three to a bag!

And I actually have some
thoughts on that,


We go wiss him!
Americans go zair!

Well, now, let's just hear
him out at least!

as if...

she was totally in there.

Hurry up, dammit!
Get in your tent,

Huddle up,
and hang on tight!

The wind's probably
gonna hit a hundred miles --

shut the goddamn door!

what're you -- zip it up!

I am, obviously!
If you'd shut up!

wh-?! Nooope!


I am not ridin' bitch
in this tent!

you have to!
It's the only way

To keep ray's genitals
away from mine!

oh, as if!

uh-uh, no. No.
Ray is the dmz.

[annoyed sigh]

Oh, please,
I oughta be worried

About your dirty old junk
touching mine...

Ray, if I ever
have sex with a man,

It'll be a man
who remembers the gum.

And, not that it matters,
also black.

[winded, muffled]
eat a dick, blizzard.

Can you see anything?

Besides snow?

Yes, archer,
besides snow.

Hang on...

Hang on...

Well, now nobody's answering
their damn phones.

I tried cyril,
pam, cheryl,

Now I'm even
trying krieger!

Where the hell
is everybody?

♪ teutonic butts

♪ teutonic butts

♪ white on white butts

♪ white on white butts

♪ [continuing]


I swear to god,

Somebody please come in here
and kill me...

I would if I had the strength,

what'd I do?
You poisoned us!

With that stupid ceviche
nobody asked you to bring!

you asked me to bring it!

I didn't know
what ceviche was!

Uh, hey guys?

What do you want?
What is it?

I don't think
it was the ceviche...


what, can you
see something?

Uh... Yeah.

You wanna share it

With the rest
of the-- jesus christ!

[shocked whisper]
that's hessler and savino...

who I think
just did our job for us,

Because we are
out of axis powers.

mornin', gang!

Who's ready
for a piping hot cup

Of fair-trade practices?

What the hell
happened to them?


No shit, they're naked
in the snow!

It's called
paradoxical undressing.

You see it sometimes
with severe hypothermia.

The poor bastards
rip off all their clothes

And run out into
the snow.

With belts
on their necks?

what's that?

Oh. Yeah, man,
that hypothermia...

Make ya do some
pretty crazy shit.

irish bastard!

What's that?

That's an irish name!

Uh, yeah, scotch-irish,
but I'm actually canadian --

Save the blarney
for the colleens, paddy!

what're you --

He's the target!

I just remembered,
from the dossier!

Patrick mccarran,
mountain climbing enthusiast,

Slash assassin!

first of all...


Yeah, that's true.

Although I prefer the term
"cleaner" to "assassin."

Well that's just smart

And I'm actually canadian,
not irish.

As is that.

Those jagoffs
and the japanese broad

Were from interpol.
They've been on me for months,

But obviously didn't
know I was on to them.

I sent her down
into that crevasse,

Then went down in there
and broke her neck for her.

Those two, well that's
kinda self-explanatory.

They died in your arms...

Hang on--
lana, hush.

Yeah, shut up.

I thought you three were just
some idiot wannabe tourists,

But now...
Can I assume you're cia?

No! You know what,
Hang on!

I said shut up.
I said shut up.

And I said hang
the frickin shit on!

Okay, god...

So where
did you get axis power!


I'm actually canadian.

And ireland
was not an axis power!

You sure?

They were neutral!
You asshole!

Oh, that's right.

gaping asshole.

Because I dunno what your plan
was with that gun,

But there's about four feet
of new wet snow

On top of the ice crust,

So if you fire that thing,
I guarantee you

It's gonna trigger
an avalanche.

Well paddy, if there's
one thing I've learned...

Wait, wait, archer?

It's that there's
no guarantees

In this crazy world.

No, no, no,--

I-- that-- you--
the-- that--

I believe the phrase
you're searching for

Is "thank you, archer.
That was--
[ground rumbling]

What's that sound?
What was that?

It's an avalanche!
You... You...

And I believe the phrase
you're searching for is...

Holy shit,
is that really an--



[phone ringing]

And exactly what are you doing
with those bags?

I don't live
on the sidewalk, you mope.

Take them upstairs.

where the hell is a.J.?

With me, she's fine.

I was having
my apartment bug-bombed,

So I took her
to the plaza.

I'll call you back.
[phone beeps]

And what fresh hell
is this?

can you believe that shit?

Absconds with my child
and she'll call me back?

No, seriously, I mean
can you believe that shit?

can you believe
this other shit?

Peppermint patties!
Still warm!

Plenty more where
that came fr--

How could you possibly
be that excited

To be in
a frickin avalanche?

I have kind of a weird
bucket list.

Number three,
bang joe frazier.

really regret sharing
that with you...

So, you think crash
is dead, or...?

I mean, he'd have
to be, right?

And either way...
I say we say he's dead.

[mumbled agreement]

Yeah, right?
Seems like a win-win.

Unless you're him...

Or the other three.

But seriously,
how in the hell

Did you think ireland
was an axis power?

oh, my god,
I think this whole time

I was actually
thinking of romania...

But only
as an inevitable consequence

Of the molotov-ribbentrop pact

And the soviet
invasion of bessarabia.