Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - Edie's Wedding - full transcript

In a moment of gallantry, Archer offers to accompany tearful Pam to Wisconsin. Her sister, Edie, is marrying an eligible local dairyman and Pam, a bridesmaid, needs a date. Pam is upset her sister named Midge Olerud her maid of honor. Pam tells Archer about old humiliations wreaked upon her by sister, Edie and Midge Olerud. Meanwhile, Cyborg Barry, is en route to New York to kill Archer. Barry spots Archer and Pam at the airport and follows them to the old motor court in Wisconsin. Archer has pitchers of cocktails as Pam dresses for the rehearsal dinner. Barry freezes in the parking lot as he watches the door to their motel room. Complications arise when Archer opens the door and greets a loud mouthed visitor with a familiar face.

[Pam sobbing]

[Sobbing continues]

[Sobbing continues]

[Sobbing continues]

What's wrong?


Pam. Pam!


[sighs] Hold this.

Ow! God dammit, dude.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I've got other shit
to do today.

Now, what the hell
is wrong with you?

My sister Edie
is getting married

to Don Ekblad, Jr.
of all people,

and she asked me
to be a bridesmaid.

I should be maid of honor, dicknuts,

but no,
guess who she asks instead?

Midge Olerud!


Midge "Hey Edie,

"let's me and you blow
Pam's boyfriend Arn

behind the goddamn grain
elevator" Olerud!

You had a boyfriend named Arn?

Well, he didn't know
I liked him, but--

Midge and Edie did.

[Cries] Pam!

Okay, Jesus.

Calm down, Ike Turner.

I don't want
to show up with a black eye.

Not a real diverse crowd, huh?

Eye, idiot, eye.

Although, no.

Not a lot of black guys
in rural Wisconsin.

And, I don't want
to sound racist,

Power through it.

A black guy would
be better than no date,

which is what I'm taking now.

When is it?

Day after tomorrow.


Screw it, I'll go.

Really, really, really?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, man.
Wait till they see--

Wait, that's how you ask a woman out?

Wait, no,
I don't need a back-story.

Yes you do. Shut up.
You're Gordon Shumway,

and you own a 500-acre
dairy farm in upstate New York,

with 600 Holsteins and two
Herringbone milking parlors.

Okay, A, that's Alf's name,

and two, what's more impressive,

a pathetic cheese farmer

or the world's greatest
secret agent,

A.K.A., me, Sterling Archer.
Oh, yeah.

[Woman on P.A.]
Attention, now boarding flight 934,

to Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Come on, Archer, that's us.

Flight 934,
to Greenbay, Wisconsin.

Yeah, you're booked
through to New York.

Will you be needing
anything else?


Oh, is there a place
that sells down jackets

and thermal underwear?


I'm, uh, what do you call it?


Archer? Archer? Archer?

Have you seen Archer?

Did you look in here?

that is what I'm doing now.

Then, I guess
go look everywhere else.

You know...

Starting with Dick-cheese, Wisconsin.

Excuse me?

Him and--
He and...

Whomever, and...
Whoever, and...


If you wake this child,
I will climb inside you

with my shoes on.

He and Pam
are at her sister's wedding.

In Wisconsin?

[Baby cries]

[Lana groans]

No, no, no,
he's got her all weekend.

I'm going upstate
for SERE school.

So take her with you.

To survival school?

Big whoop,
hang her in a bear bag.

So... Mallory...

Nope. Ron and I are going

to our house in the Hamptons,

and, trust me, it would
be no place for a baby.

You're back together?
Like, for real?

And happier
and stronger than ever.

Try not to burn the place down.

And you, my tweedy widdle--

What, are your boobs
full of corn syrup?

Excuse me?

Feel that, she feels chubby.

She's a baby.

A fat widdle baby, yes you are, yes you are.

You're fat widdle baby.

Fast forward
to me buying her liposuction

for graduation.

I hope you do
burn this place down.

She said not to.

[Gasps] She said try not to.

[Archer] You're kidding.

How either, in this universe,

or any of
it's infinite parallels,

could I possibly embarrass you?

[Pam] By dressing like a
maitre D' on a dinner cruise

for gay Republicans?
That's a thing?

[Pam] I don't know,
but you don't want

Edie dogging you out
in front of the entire school.

The entire what?

[Pam] Rehearsal dinner.
Shut up.

Come on, what happened?

Did she dump pig's blood
all over you at the prom?

No, not pig's blood.

Wait, what?

Hang on, did she really?

Oh my God, Pam...

You look amazing.


I mean, you know, relatively.


But you've got to pace me,

I'm sewn into this sumbitch.

So for every ounce that goes in,

an ounce gotta go out.

So, diuretics?

And watch this...

there's a sundae bar.

What could possibly go wrong?


Who the shit is that?

[Barry] Is it Barry?

Does that mean Barry possibly,
literally froze his nuts off

in the wheel-well of a 747

so he could murder
the shit-eating Archer?

Yes it does, other Barry.

Oh, yes.

Okay. Jesus Christ.

[Laughs] Uh, wow.

You have got to be Edie.

Uh, I'm Archer,
uh, Pam's boyfriend.

Bullshit, my asshole.

Pam, hon?
Edie's here.

And you will be civil
and polite.

And you will not let
her push your--

[Edie] Spamela! Get
your fat ass out here.

[Breathes deeply]

Uh, she should
be right out, she's--


[Glass shattering]


Guess I should get in there
and break that up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!


Yeah, come on.
You coming?

No, but hey, I know it's late
notice, and I really hate to ask,

but would you mind
keeping A.J. for the--

I'm hitting door open.

You can't see it,
but I really am.

Oh, my God, it's just like
maximum overdrive.


On Monday let's talk about

how scary this was for me.


God dammit!
Let me go!

No, now just calm--
Let me go!

Shit, she's gonna--

Jesus Christ, woman!


God dammit!

[Spits] Happy?

Less than I was, to be honest.

When you were chugging balls

behind whatever gay strip joint

she hired you at?


Told ya, it's that jacket.

First of all, Pam, shut up.

I'm not the one who chugs balls

behind buildings,

and even if I were,

they wouldn't belong
to that dude Arn.


Oh God, you told him about Arn?

Arn didn't even
know she was alive.

Okay, you know what?

Besides what Arn's
balls taste like?


Ah! I am out of here.

Pam, wait!

[Laughs] Wow, and here I thought

she was kidding
about the pig's blood.

[Laughs] No...

It was--
it was calf's blood.


[Cries] Stupid, frickin' Edie.

I'll show her
what Arn's balls taste like.

Wait, what the?




[Body thuds]

[Lana] Hello?


You in here?

Hey, you!

What can I do you for?

So, hey, um,
Archer totally flaked on me.

Mallory and Ray are being lame,

and Cheryl is-- Cheryl.

So I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.

Yep, yep, yep, but, first,

who is this little person?

Um, A.J., my baby,

who I've had for,
like, six months,

who you've met.


Ooh, and who also
has a poopy diaper.

[Gasps] Great Bacchus plateau,

it works!

What? What does?

The k-9000
infrasonic pulse rifle.

What do you mean?
What does it do?

I assume you're familiar
with the brown note?

I am not.

What? The brown note,

the frequency that makes humans

shit their pants,
or their onesie.

[Sighs] I'm pretty sure
that was a coincidence.

That's what they said
about Tesla's death ray.

So, this favor...


Wait, Lana.
What's the favor?

[Lana] Just promise to use
your powers for good!



[Archer] Yes.

Clean the jizz out of
your ears, jizz-ears.

I'm getting married tomorrow,

so tonight
at my rehearsal dinner,

I get all you can eat prime rib

and bottomless vin rouge.

Gimme that.
Put it down.

We are going to go find Pam,

and then you are gonna apologize

for hurting her feelings.

Why do you care?
You're just a-- wait.

Are you really her boyfriend?


Oh, and a secret agent, so...

[Phone rings]

And, not only
am I a secret agent,

I am the world's
greatest secret agent.

Mm... hello?

[Barry] Jesus, Archer.

You're not even the greatest
secret agent in that room.

[Laughs] Actually, Barry,

that's where you're--
Wait! Barry?

[Barry] Hey, dummy.

How did you get--
where are you?

How did you even
know I was here?

[Barry] Uh, I followed you.

What do you mean,
you followed me?

Okay, that's obviously
your abusive ex-boyfriend,

so I'm just gonna tip on out.

[Barry] I was on my way
to New York to kill you,

when I saw you
in Chicago, idiot,

and now you are gonna follow me.

That is, if you ever wanna
see your buddy--

uh-- wait,
what was your name?

[Spits] Your worst
frickin' nightmare.

[Archer] Pam?
Oh right, yeah, it's Pam.

Anyway, if you don't wanna
spend the next year

signing for packages full
of her head and feet and shit,

meet me out
by the old grain elevator.

[Barry] Pam says Edie
knows where it is.

Now, you listen to me,
Barry, you--

[dial tone] Barry!

God damn, son of a cyborg bitch!

What, he give you anal warts?

He kidnapped your sister,
you jerk!


Who'd wanna kidnap Pam?

I'll tell you in the car.
Come on!

Look, I know you're bitter

'cause you people can't
get married or whatever,

but all you care
to eat prime rib!

[Sighs] Well, Edie, I was
almost half-way hoping

it wouldn't come to this.

Come to what--

Hello? Lana?


What are you still doing here?

I thought you had Rambo sleepaway camp.

SERE school, and I did,

but Archer hosed me,
and I don't have a sitter.

Oh, well you should
have asked--

I asked everybody, even Krieger.

I-- wow,
so you'd ask Krieger

to watch your baby
before you'd ask me?

I didn't, well--
that would be weird.

Weirder than the guy
trying to make

some kind of ejaculation ray?

it's a pants-shitting ray.

Okay, well, then,
that's new, but--

Cyril, look--
How about this?

I'll drive you both upstate,

and get us a motel room.

[Laughs] What?

For A.J. and me.

While you run around the woods
eating snails and beetles.

That way if you get anxious
about being away from her,

we're right there.

This is weird.

Why is this weird?

Because what kind
of sick bastard

travels with duct tape and rope?

No, we actually
made a couple of stops

while you were knocked out.

Had to get more
Tom for the Collins--

Oh, and also rob a gun store.

Wait, what?

Well, technically, burgle.

How long was I out?

Mm... 20 minutes?


Yeah, that is not good for you.

turn around dick-nuts,

I can still make
the rehearsal dinner.

After we rescue Pam.
Now, shut up.

Oh, and un-shut up
for a second.

Is this the way
to the grain elevator?

Ah... oh, yeah,
right down that road.

Take a left.
Take a left!

Even for me,
that was pretty lucky.


Rental car!

[Barry] There we go.
Looking good, Barry.

Well, thanks, other Barry.

Archer comes in to save her,

and boosh!

K-k-k-kill zone!

So you're just bug-nuts
crazy, huh?

[Laughs] Crazy like a fox!

Who's bionic!

And, whose fiance dumped him,

for literally
the dumbest guy in Russia?

Who want waffle?

I forget to make waffle.

Oh, and just so you know,
my worst nightmare,

which is actually recurring,

is me and Santa Claus
getting chased through the snow

by Lurch from the Adam's family.

Uh, why did you tell me that?

[Laughs] Exactly.

Piece of shit rental.

You drive like a...egg.

I-- no, I don't,
and also, shut up

because right now
I'm going to explain

what cyborgs are,
and why they're a threat,

to our entire way of life.

[Cyril] I mean, not
now, obviously.

But, someday.

Someday soon...


I am gonna
re-hit that.

Huh? Hm?

Hey, you.



Who's laws of what's its?

Asimov's three laws
of-- look,

never mind.
They don't even apply to Barry

because he's a frickin' cyborg.

[Barry, singsong] Archer...

Come out and play.

Ugh, and also
a gaping, prolapsed anus.

So, grain elevator.

Besides a place to blow farmers,

what's the point?

To store grain, dumbass.

Yeah, but you elevator
it way the hell up there,

then-- wait, cows don't
go up there to eat it,

do they?
Oh my God, no!

It's gravity fed back down
to trucks and trains and shit.

Which are on the ground.


See where I'm going with this?

Why not make it horizontal,
so the cows can just walk up

and eat whenever?

So just a mile long trough of grain
getting rained on all the damn time.

I, well, no, it'd have a, like a...

a salad bar roof on it,

you idiot.

[Barry] Said the dumb waiter.

Get it, Archer?

As in, you're dumb,
and you dress like a waiter.

[Pam] Told ya!
God dammit, Pam,

this is exactly
what a man should wear to a--

Holy shitsnacks!
What the-- Pam?

Yeah, and just a heads up--


[Pam] Whoa!

Dammit, Pam.

How about a--
Oh, wait by heads up,

did you mean--?


Seriously, Barry,
why all the anger?

Because Katya broke up with me!


Too soon?

Edie, cut me down!

Oh, wow, where to start?

Even in a new dress,
you look like ten pounds of shit

in a five pound bag.

The whole town thinks
you're a giant asshole

for moving to New York City.

You can just say New York.

Oh, and dad was right,
you'll never find a husband

unless you convince a blind man

you're a seeing eye pig!


I meant cut me down from here!

Yeah. Duh.

But you know
you're no prize, right?

Excuse me?

He said--




Archer! Do something!

Flower box.

Shot gun.



[Pam] Ow.



Hey, track suit,

if anybody's gonna choke
my sister's bitch neck,

it's gonna be me.

[Laughs] What are you doing?

What you got a little
shot gun? Huh?

Yeah, remember right now?

When I'm a frickin' cyborg?

[Archer] Barry, just for you,

I got explosive ammo.

You what now?

Jesus Christ, you could have killed me!

Shut up!

Huh, I mean, I'm not a doctor,

or, a robotisist,

but, uh, that can't be good.

So, hey,
why don't we all do this--


[Archer] Oh, God.

[Machine voice]
Forgot what I was gonna say.


[Objects crashing]

[Scream continuing]

[Body thuds]


So, thank you...


Saving your life?

I thought you were
thanking me...

for dropping those truth bombs.

You'll never find a husband.

So, you really think he's dead?

[Archer, sighs]
Only one way to be sure.

Hello? I'm sorry, what?

Shut up, no,
uh-uh. No!

What are you saying, Don?

[Police officer]
Sir, sir, over there.

Is that a man?

Yeah, you're damn right it is.

Hey, but slow down, though,
we're, hey--!

Jesus Christ, Arn.

Huh. I think I got
a blowjob out here once.

[Edie] A what? I'm sorry,
did you say a blowjob?

What? Yes!
Of course it's off, Don!


So, apparently,
Don over-served on vin rogue,

and increasingly impatient
for his bride-to-be's arrival

at the rehearsal dinner,

let Midge Olerud suck him off
behind the sundae bar!


Too soon?

So thank you, Pamela,
for ruining my wedding.

Oh, and also, my life.

You ruined my life!

Are you happy?

Yes. All I wanted.