Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - Three to Tango - full transcript

An agent from the past has a hand in creating tension between Archer and Lana.

Wait. What happened?

I thought you were going
to renovate this place.

As did I, but I was betrayed

by a lying little
country music wannabe.

Was that directed at me?

Yes! Who else?

I don't know
who all lies to you!

Also, there's a Mr.
Slater to see you.

Just "Slater."
It's a mononym, like...

Jesus Christ!

He's in here, you ritzy ditz!

What are you doing, Dave?

So, uh, should I come back?

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Of course not.

Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.

I mean, whatever the task,
we are up to it.

We are professional and...

There's a Mr. Slater
to see you.

I'm gonna go.

Good. Why are you here
in the first place?

Mr. Slater...
Just "Slater"!

And hang on. Excuse me, are you and I
gonna have a problem?

I mean, I'm sure we will
at some point, but...

Sterling! Mr....

Just "Slater".


an important assignment
for us, which I'm sure

we can kick right through
the basket for a homerun.

I'm gonna go.

Look, you're already here.

Why not just tell us
what the mission is?

I will, but only
because I choose to.

One of our... well, I guess you
could call him a freelancer...

What do you call him?
I call him a freelancer.

So shut up, please.

Anyway, he needs
an extraction from

Buenos Aires.

Ugh, it's just us.
You can say,

"Bwaynos Air-eez."

And... hush.
And what operation

is the CIA conducting
in Argentina?

Oh, sorry.
It's called "Operation Nunya."

As in "beeswax," Lana.

Yes, I...
Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.

To help a patient
who's been burned?


his cover's been blown.

Argentine intelligence
is onto him,

and he needs an extraction

So, why us? Why not
keep it in-house at CIA?

Because, turns out,
you actually know this operator.

Uh, do you mind?


Conway Stern?

Yes, Conway Stern.


Yeah, can I start?

You guys mind if I start?
I'll start.

Are you out
of your shitting mind?

Excuse me?

He literally
stabbed me in the back!

Because you jeopardized
his mission.

What mission? To sell classified military
technology to the Chinese?

Phony technology
we wanted China to have.

They've been chasing their tails
on the whisper drive for years.


I knew it.
In my heart of hearts,

I knew he was
one of the good guys.

Literally! The back!
Stabbed it!

Well, then you people
ripped off his hands, so...

After he literally stabbed me!
In the back!

Oh, give it a rest, Sterling.

I'm sure you did something to deserve it.

But now you have a chance
to right that wrong,

which is a rare thing.

About as rare as getting
called up to the majors

from single-a ball...


I assume that was a sports
analogy meant to be cutting,

but we will take the mission,
won't we, Sterling?

Huh? Yeah.
Oh, sorry.

It's just I'm worried,
my entire life,

I've been misusing
the word "literally"!

And certainly overusing.

- You're not worried?
- Why should I worry?

Because I'm the one
that ripped of Conway's hand?

No. About...
Or that he'll double-cross us again?

Which, a blowjob says he does.

And mother and Slater and the CIA
are idiots for trusting him,

but I'm talking about us flying on the
same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?

Then I wouldn't have had
to watch you pound 20 drinks

and then try to talk
the stewardess into a handjob.

Where are you getting 20 drinks?

Uh, from ten doubles.

"A", those were mini-bottles,

and two,
I'm talking about A.J., Lana.

Who's going to take care of her

if something happens
to both of us?

Well, me. Obviously.

You think...
Okay. Wow.

You think,
in the event of their deaths,

that you would be
A.J.'s legal guardian?

Who else would they
possibly choose?

You've met yourself, right?

If it's anybody around here,
it's me.

Of course.
The one who smokes next to the baby.



You know...

All right, Virginia Slim.

Nap time!

I have a meeting.

Look, don't worry
about A.J., okay?

Well, I think
one of us should.

No, I...
And I vote for mother and Woodhouse.

To raise my child?

Our child, Lana.
And yes. And...

Can we talk about this later?

Oh, we're definitely
gonna talk about it later,

I can promise you that.

Can you promise

that even though Conway...

...stabbed you in the back,

that you won't do anything
revenge-y and stupid

when he opens the door?

Hmm. I want to say...

No! Revenge rampage!



You mother...

How do you still have two hands?

You cyborg son of a bi...

You're out...of sugar.

Oh, good.
You're making tea.

'Cause I could use some
with honey and lemon.

And bourbon.

But actually,
without the honey and lemon

and the tea.

So just bourbon.

Yeah, I doubt if...

Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it.
I had something for...

Puke Skywalker? Mm.

God damn it!

Anyway, I doubt the robot
has any bourbon,

and I'm not really in the mood
for a WD-40 and coke.

Unless that is, literally,
the only thing to drink.

I think I might be concussed.

Hell hath no fury, huh?

As a woman scorned.
Lana, remember?

I kinda scorned you
last time we met?

Yeah, you are
definitely concussed.

Not to mention a decepticon!

Where the hell
did you get a bionic hand?



what's new?
How you been?

Sharper image?

Sounds more like Krieger.

Jesus Christ!
Will he not rest

until we've all been
enslaved by Skynet?

Hey, we are leaving
in five, so...

Right after I enjoy this
mate and ca?a smoothie

with a WD-40 float.

Although "enjoy" is maybe
a bit strong.

Ugh. Conway,
grab whatever you need,

some fresh nine-volts,

and let's get
this extraction going.

I can't.
I don't have the intel yet.

What intel?
Slater said, "extraction."

When he asked us
to come rescue you.

From what?
Your mom's antique vagina?

You son of a...

Hey! Enough, you two!

Tell him that!
Pretty sure I just did.

Now, what and where
is this "intel"?

It's a computer file
with the real identity

of every single CIA agent

operating in central
and South America.

Argentina's using it
for leverage,

threatening to trade it
to the Soviets.

Isn't Argentina our ally?

You'd think, right? After we
threw them that lovely coup?

So, the file is on
the mainframe computer

of the Argentine
secret intelligence service.

Okay. Here's what we do...
How about maybe let him finish?

Hmm. Okay. But then
we go with my plan.

The mainframe is a standalone
in a secure vault.

Hardened, keycard,
and retinal scan entry.

On the top floor of the
intelligence building itself,

which is heavily guarded
at all times,

by Argentine special ops
on standing orders

to shoot to kill any and all
unauthorized personnel.

You mentioned something
about a plan?

I mean, he obviously
thinks he has a plan, so whatever.

Let's hear it.

Where is it?
Where's what?

What are you...
I flushed it!

I will kill you!

Where you stand!


Is it too much to ask,
during the goddamn work day,

for two separate sessions
of 80 uninterrupted minutes each

of quality dump time?

I mean, I'm
not a labor attorney.

Yes, it is entirely
too much to ask!

I thought so, yeah.

So I'll pass that on
to who or whomever asked.

And if you harmed
one single hair

on her little brown head,
I will...

Whose head?
Wait, do what?

Baby A.J.!

She's missing!

Oh, my God!
Oh, thank God!

And since you are

the only one around here
who hates babies...

Just baby people.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on!

I'm sure... wait.
Did you murder the baby?

No, but like "swearsie-realsies"?


And that's pretty sacred
to us, so...

we'll go help you
look for baby A.J.

In, like,
five-teen, 40 minutes.

And so Conway's plan

doesn't strike you
as unnecessarily complicated?

No, Lana, it doesn't.

And it doesn't strike you

as "Brazilian minstrel show
meets Trading Places"?

No, Lana, it doesn't.

And that's not just because

you get to wear that
ri-dork-ulous facerug.

No, Lana, it... look.

If I have to pull this car over,

we're all gonna
be murdered, so...

Just get us
in the damn garage, man.

Hey! You're not
the boss of me!

Archer, just...
Or you!

I don't care if you are the
president and first lady of Brazil

on a pan-American
goodwill tour

of intelligence

Coronel Lando Calrissiano,
de Las Fuerzas Especiales,

doesn't work for you!

Although he has nailed
his backstory.

Lando Cal...?

Por qu? no te callas?

Will you shut up?
I need to think!

Don't yell at me,
I didn't lose her.

Now just try
to retrace your steps.

Well, I wasn't
in the sofa cushions.

Agh! Well,
you could have said that!

I did.
I thought you were being sarcastic!

It is kinda hard
to tell with you.

Okay, here we go.

Conway, shut up and try
to look semi-presidential.

And Lana, try to look...
actually, yeah. Matronly.

You nailed it.

You know...

So anyways...

Ay! Coronel!

Um, okay.

Su carat, Coronel, por favor.

Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan
El Presidente de Brasil

y su...

Esposa Grande.

Por supuesto,
Coronel Cal...


Lando? Calrissiano?!

Okay, so here's the thing
with that.

Boring conversation anyway.

God damn it, Archer!

That's Coronel Calrissiano
to you!


Don't drive angry!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm archer-izing this plan!

What? No, no! Uh-uh.

You cannot make yourself a verb!

I will not allow it.

I'm a verb now, Lana.
Deal with it!

And then, also,
cover me, please.



Hijos de puta!
Conmigo estan

El Presidente de Brasil
y su esposa!

Y mira!

Mira aqu?!
Sucia! Sucia!

Todos! Todos las armas
on the ground!

Uh, perd?n?

On the ground, Pyle!
What are you...

Oh. Uh, see how
I switched to English?

Uh, I was testing him.
Good work, Pyle.

Su carta, Coronel, por favor.

How about a big hand
for Pyle, gang?



Lana! Lana!

What are you,
jealous I'm a verb?

Su carta, Coronel!
Por favor.

Jesus Christ, Pyle!
I heard you.


What are you doing?
Shooting out the glass.

No, no, no! Don't! It's...



So, uh, how come
you and I didn't hook up

last time we worked together?

Well, "A", you were
too busy banging Cheryl

or Carol or Cristal...

Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The crazy Jew-Santa chick.

And "B" through "Z",

because you're
a large-diameter dickhole.

Mm-hmm. Well,
you're looking good, girl.

Lot curvier than I remember.

I had a baby.

Oh. Sorry. Never mind.

Never mind what?

Like, name it.

You know...


So, you done archer-izing?

Because, you jackass,

to recap, you locked us
in the stupid limo!

Well, I still don't see
why that means I'm the one

who has to carry Pyle.

Well, then slice out
his retinas, okay?

I can't.
It would kill Lou-Ann.

Oh, and speaking of...

God damn it!


Speaking of what?

If something happens
to both of us,

who's gonna take care
of the baby?

Her baby's yours?

Can we please put a pin in this?

No, Lana, we can't!

I want to know why you don't
want it to be mother.

how did you lose a baby?

She was right there in the pram.

I made a drink,
my furrier called.

Spoiler alert,
he's robbing me blind.

I called immigration, tried
to get his father deported.

I made another drink,
but I was out of ice,

so I...

- What?
- What is it?

Krieger! He was
skulking around out there

while I went out to get ice.

Come on,
to that Nazi freak's lab!

Hey, whoa!
Are guns really necessary?

'Cause I'm seriously asking.

- Seriously?
- Yes, Lana, seriously.

Why isn't my mother
good enough to raise A.J.?

No! Don't shoot!
There's a baby!

And why?
Why do you have the baby?

Oh, my God!

Okay. So,
here's the thing with that.

That is...a nightmare.

- Seriously?
- Goddamn, dude.

You were going
to make her a robot?

I wish.
I mean, no! No.

I was doing market research

for the TB-800
A.K.A. Cyberneddly Teddly.

Oh, please!
That's a baby skeleton.

No, but...
once I figure out

how to grow actual bear tissue
to cover it...

Goddamn, dude!

Damn! How creepy!

No, wait!
Teddly's here...somewhere.

Or was. I swear! He...

Teddly? Teddly?!

Cyril, secure the child.

And the rest of you,
I can't see any benefit

in telling Lana
what happened here today.


I'm not saying nothing.

I'm on board for that.
And Krieger...

I swear to God, if I catch you
near this child again,

and the implied threat here

is that I will shoot you
in the genitals,

and then sit here
sipping amontillado sherry

while you bleed to death.




Yeah, thanks,
Mr. Bear-jangles.

Wait, you already knew the code?

Of course he did.
He's a cyborg.

It was probably
Gaius Baltar's...


You double-crossing
son of a bitch!

Called it.

Well, yeah. Come on.
We all saw this coming.

Now, drop them.

I was gonna say
"zip code," guys...

Okay, idiots, thanks for
helping me get the disk.

The Soviets are going to pay out
the zadnitsa for this thing.

But you could have gotten
the disk yourself.

Why drag us into it?

Well, I knew dick van head
over there

could pass for a Latino
to get us in.

Nailed it.
But mostly for revenge.

Remember how you ripped off
my hand, woman?!

Yeah, vaguely,
but if it's revenge you want,

why don't you shoot me?

I was going to, but come on.

I'm not a monster.
You just had a kid.

Me too, though.

And what are you doing
in the window?


This is a parachute.

Well, Conway...

you win this round.

Who are you?
Wait. Hang on.

Horatio Kane.
God damn it.

But "Kane"
obviously spelled...

I got it.

Oh, and hey, give me a call

if things don't work out
with the kid.

And you lose the baby weight. me?

Yeah! Lose that
weight, Conway Stern!

Or whatever your real name is!

I lied!

That is my real name!

Maw, they
got ol' Lando this time.

I'm done for.

Archer, shut up.
You're gonna be okay.

You really think so?

I mean, maybe.

Although that can't bode well.

You get the disk?

Did you get the disk?

Yes, idiot.

And, also,
several bullets, so...

Then come on, get in the back.

I got a plane waiting
at an airstrip.

So, hey,
about this blowjob...

Shut up!
Conway was a traitor.

He was gonna sell the disk
to the Soviets.

Yeah, yeah.
We kinda suspected that.

So you sent us into a...

Wait. So you followed us
down here?

Come on. We're not gonna put
a couple of untested rookies

in the starting line-up
of game seven...

...of the world...

okay, as I was saying...

God damn it, Archer!
I am not giving you a blowjob!

Not that. A.J.
If something happens to us.

I really don't think that this
is the time to talk about that.

When then?

Why don't you want
to talk about it, Lana?

Because I'm afraid
it'll hurt your feelings.

Because, if anything
happens to me, and...

just me, Archer...

then A.J. would live
with my parents.


Yeah. Uh, I-I-I guess
that makes sense.

They're probably
pretty old, though, right?

And if anything
happened to them,

then A.J. would live
with my sister.

You have a sister?

Yes, Archer, I have a sister.

She younger?