Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - Achub y Morfilod - full transcript

[archer]
I don't know,
but I think we're pretty close.

What?
Well, blame these road signs,

They don't have any vowels.

Yes, and thanks
for watching a.J., I--

[sighs]
no, as a matter of fact,

I don't think it's a good
opportunity to quote,

"work some of that
fat off her," unquote.

I-- mother,
she's a goddamn baby!

[lana moans]

No, I have to go,
so-- I will.

And if I find out you
gave her diet pills, mother,



No kidding,
I will have you arrested.

[moaning continues]
do what?

Who's havin' a rest?

I heard you,
now I gotta go, goodbye.

[beep]
hey, sleepyhead.

[yawning]
hey, you.

Mm, man, I was out.

[chuckling]
yeah, you were.

Mm, where are we?

Uh...
Seriously,
what is this, the shire?

N-no, it's...

Wait, wait, wait.

What the shit?
Where are we?

[gasps]
where is a.J.?



She's with mother,
calm down, I--
why am I in a car?

In a trench coat
and lingerie?

Why am I-- and oh, my god,
there was a vagina
in your sink!

Okay, technically, yes, but--

I caught you cheating on me.

No, you didn't,
because no, I wasn't.

Stop the car.
Let me out.
Lana.

Stop it now.
Calm down?
Calm down.

Yes,
I can explain if you--

Yeah, explain
how I just woke up
in weird clothes,

In a weird car in--

Archer, where are we?
[sighs]

Wales.
Wales?

Yeah,
surprise is ruined.

No, it's not.
I am extremely surprised.

Really?
Because the last thing
I remember,

We were arguing
in your bedroom.

Yeah,
I wanted to explain everything,

But you were
totally freaking out,

So I thought, "let's go
somewhere neutral," you know,
talk things out,

So we're going to this little
farm right on the coast.

It's remote,
but it's got this real
kind of rugged beauty,

You know?

It's actually
very romantic.

Huh, so just curious,

What happened between
your bedroom and right now?

Well,
you were hysterical, lana,

So I thought the best thing
to do would be

Inject you with a tranquilizer,
drive you to a private airfield,

Put you on a cia plane,
fly you overnight to wales,

And then
that brings us to now.
Huh.

And I know drugging women
isn't cool, at all,

Ever, and obviously,
I would never ever do that

For any sort of
sexual assault-y reason.

I mean, for one thing,
I'd never need to.

That was what
the whole fight was about
in the first place, right?

Women throwing themselves
at me.

[gagging]

Stop the car.

Sorry,
maybe you can't hear me

Over the sound of all
the blood vessels

Bursting in your eyes,

[gagging]
lana.
I said stop.

[screams]

[screaming continues]

[groans]

Well, I hate to say it,
but you were right.

It is kind of romantic.

[glass clinking]
yeah, right?

I'm pretty sure
there's a fireplace.

♪

[archer]
there, see?

Quaint little farmhouse.

A cozy little fire going.

I mean, this place
is right out of a fairy tale.

Yeah, a fairy tale
in which the heroine

Is drugged
and kidnapped.

You realize that's, like,
every fairy tale?

I do now...
That you mentioned it.

Don't yell at me,
I'm not the one advocating

Rape and child-cannibalism.

No, you're the one
who's ex-girlfriend

Left her robot vagina
in your sink.

Unbeknownst to me, lana!

Jesus, we've been through
this ten times already.

Well, sorry I'm hazy
on the details

Of what happened
right before I was drugged

And stuffed in a cargo hold.

It wasn't the ca--
you were in a seat.

Is that supposed
to make it better?

That is better,
like, empirically.

I am leaving.

No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.

Let me explain.

If you don't let go of me,

You're gonna have to explain
how those tampons

Got driven into your brain.

Thanks for these,
by the way.

And lana, I swear,
I didn't call katya.

I just came home
and there she was.

And why would
she just show up?

I think
the idiots called her.

What idiots?

Alrighty,
can someone give me a hand?

But, doctor,
I thought the patient
was getting the hand.

Speaking of hands,
nurse, I--
overplaying yours?

Well, I was going to say,
"putty in yours," my dear,

But I'll have
to hand it to you.

Hmm, keep your hands
to yourself, doctor.

[cyril]
can we have a show of hands,

Who thinks
this is getting out of hand?

God damn it!
Can you please shut up

And sew on my robot hand?

Hand job.

So, they called katya

Because they're jealous
we're dating?

She shows up.
Unbeknownst.

And nothing happens,
even though all your clothes
get burned off,

Champagne
gets jizzed everywhere,

And her vag
winds up in the sink.

Yes.
So, you're saying it was--

Literally a farce,
exactly, yes.

[groans]
lana, come on,

Whose life-- through no,
or sometimes maybe moderate

Fault of his own --
is as farcical as mine?

Hmm, you still
shouldn't have drugged me.

No, I know, that was--
extremely uncool.

Mm, that's not, though,
holy shit.

Right?
Glengoolie.

And after we're done here, well,
we'll have to rent a new car,

But we can drive up
to the distillery and--

Done here, at our romantic
fairy-tale getaway

Where you make up
for the idiot archer shit

You pulled over
the past 24 hours?

Yes, and...
Here's the thing.

[door crashes open]
what the sh--

Freeze!
Whoa, whoa, steady off--

Freeze, or I'll--
have no weapon. Archer!

Ah, so you're archer.

Yes.
And are those tampons?

Also yes.

Right, so,
if he's archer,

I suppose
that makes you lana kane.

I... Yes, actually,
and I suppose that makes you--

Who the hell are you?

Lloyd llewellyn.
This is my brother dafydd.

Say hello
to the lady, dafydd.
Hello, lady.

Hello, human giant.
And follow-up question.

Why the hell
are you here?

Ah, have you not told her?

Yeah, so, even though
it's a romantic
fairy-tale getaway,

There's also
kind of a work component...

To it.

Lana?
What?

Come on, it's like,
30 bucks a glass.

[lana]
so, if I understand

The situation correctly,

We're supposed to help
these terrorists who--

Well, you obviously
don't understand the situation

Because we're not terrorists.
We're freedom fighters.

They're the free wales army,
lana.

[speaking foreign language]

Oh yeah, that's-that's right,
dafydd, good lad.

Leg hurts.

Yes, it will do,
dafydd, you've been shot.

So, we're supposed to help
george and lennie here

Out of the country
because they're wanted by mi-5?

Yeah, that's what mother said.

Mi-5?
From England?

Our ally.

Well, they're no ally
to wales.

What are you--
it's the same country, lloyd.

[gasps]

Tell that to dyffryn ddibwys.

Duffer who?

Dyffryn ddibwys.

It was a town in wales
that had stood proudly

For a thousand years,

Until the saesneg,
the english,

Deliberately flooded it.

Oh, my god,
to drown everybody?

No, to make a reservoir.

They need water,
so they built a dam

And that flooded
dyffryn ddibwys,

And all the people
lost their homes.

My god,
countless thousands of them.

Well, 48.

Thousand?
No, just 48,
four dozen.

Are you--
still, though.

So, now they're all homeless?

Well, no,
they were compensated,

So they got
new houses somewhere else

And were, in many cases,
much nicer ones.

But, then what's the problem?

Who're you,
josephine stalin?

That shit
wouldn't happen in america.
Yes, it would,

And does all the time.

The tva has flooded
thousands of americans
out of their homes.

The what?
Tennessee valley authority?

Hmm?
[sighs]

Remembered deliverance?

How the whole valley
was going to be flooded?

Lana,
I hate to break it to you,

I even hate to even say it
out loud,

But deliverance
was just a movie.

Oh, my god.
So what exactly

Are you wanted
by mi-5 for?

We tried to blow up
a dam.

A dam?
What, to flood

A bunch of other people
out of their homes?

Well, not real people,
just english ones.

[inhales]
excuse me.

[scoffs]
christ, is she always
this angry?

She's not mad at you,
lloyd, she's mad at me.

For what?
Um, okay.

So I was engaged to this
smokin' hot russian woman...

[cyril]
lieutenant ginger bayliss.

Clamp.
Played by odessa cleveland.

Who later had
a guest spot as a nurse
on trapper john, m.D.

What?

Starring pernell roberts

As the titular
trapper john somehow.

In a drama,
which was totally weird.

But not as weird
as ed asner.

Mary tyler moore's lou grant.

Playing lou grant
in the show lou grant,

Which was also a drama.

[cheryl/carol]
okay, yeah,
but besides one nurse,

Mash didn't have
any black characters.

Actually,
it did have one.

And his name
was spearchucker.

[both] what?
Spearchucker jones.
[chuckling] I mean--

Okay, yeah,
maybe in the book

Or that crazy football movie,
but I'm talking about--

Yeah, the show,
on network television.

In america,
and not that long ago.

[lana]
but how is this even possible?

[malory]
now, I know
it may seem strange.

What,
aiding our ally's enemies?

Well, it makes sense.

When you're the biggest kid
in the school yard,

If your little friends
have a bully...

You want them to come
running to you.

Exactly.
And slater says--

Wait,
you talked to slater?

Yes, lana, now obviously
I've spoken to slater.

And he says the cia
does this sort of thing

All the time, so...

So, did he say why he keeps
giving us these assignments

That always seem
to blow up in our faces?

No. Although,
speaking of blowing up--

Malory, she's a baby.

And she weighs exactly
as much as she's supposed to,

So you better be feeding her.

[dial tone]
I am!

It's just-- hello?
[beep]

[scoffs]
please.

As if I wouldn't feed you.

[fusses]

Now, who wants
a widdle ice chip?
[crying]

No?

I suppose you prefer
a nice big bottle

Of that liquid butter fat.

Goat,
I swear to christ,

I'll have your hide as boots
and the rest of you as a curry.

Go on, shoo.

Shoo-- it.
[vehicle approaching]

Shit, shit.

Oh shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[archer]
no shit, I'm telling you guys,

Katya looked
absolutely a-mazing.

The tiniest,
laciest lingerie
you've ever seen,

Sexy stiletto heels.

And a good body, eh?

Good?
I mean, you're from the u.K.,

So you don't have
anything to compare it to,

But no, lloyd,
not good, insane.

[moaning]
dafydd.

[archer] and she was like,
rubbing all over me.
[growls]

[lloyd]
but nothing happened?

[archer]
no, nothing.
[gasps]

Well,
except for the goodbye kiss,

Which was definitely nsf-wales
if you know what I mean.

Oh, you little--
[bardsley]
I say!

Pardon me, madam?

Hello?

Lana, hey.
We were just...Not talking.

Shut up.

Already was, so--

So, is it possible

You two were followed here
by mi-5?

[humming]
um...

...Yeah.
What?

Yeah,
they're quite good.
Son of a--

Archer, passport.
What?

Why do you--
give me your passport!

Here.

Oh, for the love of--
randy randleman?

Yeah, randy grew up
on the wrong side of the tracks,

Ran with the bad crowd,
got in some trouble,

Went to juvie.

He worked
in the mess hall there,

Fell in love with cooking,
and so when he got out,

He went to culinary school.

And now he's got
two restaurants, lana,

One michelin star,

And a marriage
that's on the rocks.

He's here to go
balls deep on farm-to-table,

You know,
trying to get back to basics.
Archer!

Like that time
rocky went to russia.

[groaning]
just get in that
closet over there

And take lurch with you.
Dafydd.

Wait, he's the one
they're looking for,

Why am I
getting in the closet?

Because I said so!
How is your american accent?

[american accent]
um, I guess it's okay.

I mean, like, you know,
people are always,
like, you know--

Like, you know,
it's crap.

No, dude,
people really dig it.

[scoffs]
people from where?

Dude, quebec?

He's the one
who should be in the closet.

No, wait,
oh, hang on.

Lana,
why am I in the closet?

Because I said so.

I think this will
really help sell it.
[archer] what?

Randy doesn't wear
nerd goggles.

He's a culinary bad boy.
[knocking]

[bardsley]
open the door, please.

[stage whisper]
get in the closet.

I am getting in the closet

Because I choose to get
in the closet.

Come on, gort.
Dafydd.

Okay, randy,
follow my lead.

[clears throat]
yes?

Good afternoon.

My name is bardsley,
I'm with mi-5.

[gasps]
mi-5, my goodness.

Please, do come in.
What's the problem here?

Well,
the problem, mr.--

Randleman,
randy randle-man.

I'm an american.

Right.

Yeah, I'm here to learn
about farm tables.

I beg your pardon?

I thought it was dams.
Shh!

Come on, buddy.
Dafydd.

Farm-to-table,
he meant to say.

He's a chef.
An american chef.

He knows
you're american, honey.
[chuckles]

The reason I'm here--

We're searching
for welsh terrorists.

Welsh terrorists?
Is there even such a thing?

Yes, I'm afraid so.
The self-styled
free wales army.

[speaking foreign language]
shh!

[whispering]
if you stay really,
really quiet,

I will buy you a puppy

That you will probably
accidentally strangle.

And we have reason to believe
they're in the area

And that
one of them is wounded,

So we're canvassing
all the farms,

And when we saw
the damaged vehicle--

A bee flew in it.
And I crashed.

A bee.
Flew into a convertible?

Look, our marriage
is on the rocks,

And also I have
two michelin tires, so--

Right. May I just see your
passport again, please?
[lana clears throat]

Oh, good heavens.

Wow!

What the shit!
[aroused chuckling]

This is actually
why we're here in wales.

To try and save our marriage.

Oh my god, baby,
I-I think it's working.

[bardsley]
are you joking?
Or insane?

Do you really expect me
to believe

You came to wales
for a romantic getaway?

Easy, bro.
Wales is kickass!

Honey!
I do, because we did.

I mean, if this
weren't a romantic getaway,

Would I be doing...

...This?
[moaning]

What the shit?

[lana]
or this?
[glasses clinking]

[strained groaning]
closet rampage.

Right, then.

Obviously I made an extremely
embarrassing mistake, so--

[door crashing]
what the shit, lana?

Ah-ha!

Ah-ha, what?
Who is this man?

I'm--
wait, shit, who am I?

You're lloyd llewellyn,
if I don't miss my guess,

Which means your brother
dafydd can't be too far off.

In the closet,
jacking off in a hat.

Dafydd!
[dafydd]
no, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

And I'm not lloyd llewellyn.
He is.

Oh, archer!
Archer?

As in sterling archer?

Yes, you idiot.

What?
As in sterling archer
of the cia?

I mean, no you idiot,
I mean, I'm--

My god,
then you must be lana--

Way to go, randy.

[groans]
how is this randy's fault?

Oh, I'm sorry,
did someone else
just barge in here

Yelling their idiot head off
about being with the cia?

Oh, I don't know.
Was someone else making out

With frodo p. Gryffindor here

Just to make
someone else jealous?

Well, maybe now you know
how I feel.

Actually, I don't know
how you feel, lana,

Because I didn't
make out with katya.

Oh no?
You didn't jam your fat tongue

Down her throat
on that goodbye kiss?

[gasps]
you were eavesdropping!
Yeah, I'm a spy.

Oh, right.
And I also heard you raving

About how insane
katya's body was.

Is! But not as insane
as your mind.

And her stilettos
and her lingerie

And her big, fat,
vibrating robot vagina!

And you're making my point
for me.

And-- how?

It's easy not to bang your ex
if she's got all frump-a-dump.

The fact that katya
is still crazy hot

Makes it all
the more commendable

I didn't bang her.
I'm sorry, I think one of us

Must have just
suffered a massive stroke.

Oh sorry, that's me,
just making toast.

[dafydd]
toast!

Yes, come and have
some toast, dafydd.

Make him wash
his hands first.

Okay, so,
what do we do about this?

Well, apparently since
we're seeing other people now,

[lloyd]
oh?
Not you.

Not us.
I meant sleepy floyd here.

Right, shit,
he knows we're with the cia

Thanks to your fat mouth.

Well, it was
your fat mouth all over him

That started this whole thing.

Here, both of you,
get your fat mouths

Around some hot,
crispy toast.
[dafydd] toast!

Damn it, dafydd,
come and have some toast.

It's obvious what
we have to do with him.

[munching on toast]

Shoot him.
What?

We're not
shooting an mi-5 agent.

That's like shooting a cow.

How is that like--
lana, cows are our friends.

They may even be
our best friends.

We have to shoot him.

If we don't,
downing street will know

The cia's bankrolling
the free wales army.

[dafydd speaking
foreign language]

Dafydd, come and have
the bloody toast,

Or I'm throwing it
in the bloody bin.

He does have a point, lana.

Yeah, I hate to waste
good toast.

We are not murdering
an mi-5 agent.

End of sentence,
end of discussion.

Are you sure
there's nothing I can do

Or say to change
your mind, lana?

Very.

Well, then,
can you hold the toast?

- Damn it!
- Lloyd?

Yeah, grabbed it
while you were arguing.

You never read
rosenberg's writings

On nonviolent communication?

No.
Nope.

It really
helped me and dafydd.

Well,
maybe we'll check that out.

Eh, don't bother.

Because before
I shoot this mi-5 asshole,

I'm gonna have to shoot
the both of you.

Wait, what?
Oh, don't worry,

We'll always have--

Do you think
he was going to say "table"?

I think probably wales.
[dafydd]
lloyd!

So, that's a problem.
[growls]

Nope,
that is your problem.

Then may I have the gun,
please?

[growling continues]
no.

Oh, my god,
you are so immature.

And you are so...

...Big.

[light chuckle]
this is going to be all,
dan'l boone.

[roars]

Alrighty,
I think that's got it.

Nurse, would you close
for me?

You already did that,
doctor.

Oh, right. Well then,
would you open for me?

God damn it,
stop sexually harassing me!

Sorry.
[scoffs]

Jesus.
Seriously.

Come on, tinker toy,

Let's go pound
some homemade gin.

So, wait,
how did we get to talking about

African-american characters
on mash?

Well, the mash connection
is obvious,

Perhaps even painfully so,

But the
africian-american thing?
Nope, no idea.

[archer]
but all things considered,

That went about
as well as could be expected.

Oh yeah?
Which part?

Leaving two welsh terrorists
basically at large

Or kidnapping an mi-5 agent?

Well, first of all, both.
How--

And second of all,
I was talking about
our argument

And how now you realize
you overreacted about katya.

I-- oh, my god.

Admit it, lana.
I admit nothing.

Although,
I do think we both learned

That trust is important
and, I don't know, whatever.

Trust.
Is that the best
I'm going to get out of you?

Yup, by far.

Well, then I accept
your non-apology.

And?

Oh, my god, and I promise
to try not to get into

Compromising situations
with other women.

Best I can do.

Well, then let's just get
this limey bastard

On that cia plane and let
slater worry about the blowback.

You don't think
they'll kill him, do you?

No, then they'll have
to kill us.

But before we go back
to the states...

Archer,
I am not driving to scotland

With a kidnapped mi-5 agent
in the back

Just to visit
a stupid distillery.

It's not stupid,
lana, it's...

Although you're right,
it's probably not

The smartest idea
I ever had.

Hmm, what is?

Oh, my god,
I'm glad you asked.

Okay, so, you put giant magnets
on the bumper of all the cars

So that every car
repels every other car,

So there would never be
any accidents.

Except every single time
you're at a red light,

And a car comes and bounces
you out into the intersection

And then you get
the shit t-boned out of you.

Thanks for the tampons.

♪

Made in georgia.