Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 12 - Drastic Voyage: Part 1 - full transcript

Agent Hawley briefs the ISIS crew on its newest mission in New Mexico to take place on the submarine, Nereus. Russian defector, Dr. Zoltan Kovacs, is a molecular miniaturization expert who lies in a coma. His assistant (and TV's Michael Gray) help Hawley and Slater terrorize the hapless ISIS crew slash prepare them for their mission as Malory and AJ entertain the military. Is it a small world, after all? Will AJ perish in a cloud of secondhand smoke or will she starve to death first?

Before we begin,

I want to make one thing
perfectly clear to all of you.

The information you're about
to hear is top secret.

Unauthorized publication
or "leaking"
of this information

Would be an act
of high treason,

For which you would be
tried and convicted

By a secret military tribunal
and summarily executed.

So no,
miss poovey,

I don't think a selfie
would be appropriate.

Okay I'm not. Jesus.

Why is she even
in this briefing?

She's not allowed
to go on missions.

Because she always
stows away somehow,

As do figgis
and dr. Krieger,

And julia gluey-dreyfus
over there.

So this time
they're going on the mission,

So we can contain them.

Well, unless the mission
is a softball game

gary's olde town tavern--
no, it's--

In which case
I nominate ray pitcher.

You know what?
Not because it's black.

You know what?
Lana, he's the one ashamed
of his hand's heritage, not me.

I'm not ashamed.

psst, hey.

C-c-call me.

Ooh, a little
"handingo" action.


Time is a bit
of a factor here,

So as much as I'd like to spend
the day murdering all of you,

I'm afraid
we need to press on.

To wit,
this is dr. Zoltan kovacs.

Last night
in paris, someone--

We suspect the russians--
attempted to abduct him.

A high-speed chase
ended in a crash,

Which left him
in a coma

With a blood clot
in his brain.

Which matters because?

Because since defecting
to the west 20 years ago,

Dr. Kovacs has been
developing a top-secret process

For molecular miniaturization.

aren't they already
pretty small?

It doesn't
miniaturize molecules.

The process can
miniaturize anything

Down to sub-microscopic size--

Robotics, computers,
video cameras, vehicles,

Even human beings.

you maniacs!

You stole it!
You stole my idea!

[overlapping responses]

I've been working
on miniaturization for years,

Damn you, years!

those were shrinky dinks.

it's the same principle!

It is absolutely not
the same principle.

Well [sniffs]
then I've wasted my life.

And all
of my good markers.

But how does it work,
this... Process?

You'll be given
a cursory explanation

At the cia laboratory
in new mexico.

Well, I assume they needed
a large building

In a remote location
with plenty of parking,

And real estate is a lot
cheaper out in the desert.

No, not why is the lab
in new mexico.

Why are you
going to tell us

How this super
top-secret shrink ray works?

in less than 14 hours,

You're all going
to be miniaturized

Down to the size of bacteria
and injected into dr. Kovacs.

[overlapping response]

What if we don't consent
to be dr. Shrinkered?

Well there's a carrot
and a stick here,

The carrot being
an one-time payment

Of $1,000,000 each.

[overlapping agreements]

And the stick?

The stick is this
is your last chance.

You people have
bungled every assignment

The cia has given you, so if you
refuse or fail this mission,

I will personally ensure
that none of you

Ever works
in espionage again.

[overlapping disagreement]
I'm just an assistant.

No likey.

Well it's normally
the other way around,

But this time,
I think I definitely

Prefer the carrot.

Not dick,
pam, stick.

Carrot and stick.

Yeah, I know.

♪ [theme]

okay people, listen up.

We've got an enormous amount
of information to cover

In a very short time
in which to do it,

So your undivided attention
is of the utmost--

Mr. Figgis,
may I help you?

Yeah, is there any reason
why you can't

Just do regular brain surgery
without a shrink ray?

Yes, there is.

And, mr. Archer,
may I help you?

yeah, why the hell
would this guy

Have an oil can in his--
elbow grease.

wow, it's pun
for the whole family.

[overlapping yelling]
that's racist!

You know what
I don't have time for?

Mm, shopping for clothes?

Your particular brand
of bullshit.

I was trying
to familiarize myself

With the human body, slater.

Yeah, you know
what this is?

Your best gal?
You son of a--


We do not have time
for this.

After this is over,
you and me.


Why do you
constantly antagonize him?

I-- oh my god,
cyril, are you jealous?

No, I'm--
I'm going to make it
up to you, buddy.

Oh please don't.

If you're done trying to win
votes for class clown--

More like most handsome.

I was voted best milker.
Me too.


Please direct
your attention

To dr. Kovacs' assistant,
dr. Sklodowska.

It's sk-wuh-doh-fska.
I'm sorry. What'd I say?

I don't know.
Something else.

Welcome, all of you,

And thank you for volunteering
for this mission.

under threat of death.

Due to boredom.
Come on.

Let's get
shrunked up already.

First we need
to cover some basics.

Now as you may
or may not know,

Dr. Kovacs and I
are lovers.

If that is shocking to you,
so be it.

[overlapping support]
that's not
shocking at all.

This is dr. Kovacs' brain,

Home to the greatest mind
in the history of mankind,

If not the universe.

This is the blood clot
that threatens

To destroy that brain.

But we will destroy the clot
with the nereus.

Dibs on captain.
Dibs on driving.

You have dibs on neither.

Mr. Gillette,
who is a licensed pilot,

Will be piloting
the nereus.

Oh so I'm good enough
to drive y'all around?

Maybe on the way,

We can stop off down
the piggly wiggly.

When this is over,

I really think you and I
should have a nice, long talk.

I'm sorry.
Am I forgetting my place?

Little bit.

After being miniaturized,
the nereus and its crew will--

yes, mr. Archer?

Yeah, I think I should
at least be co-captain.

I've had astronaut training.

So what? So did I.
So did most of us.

but you sucked at it.

You kept puking
your guts out on the--

don't say it.

the vomit comet.

But I kicked total ass
in zero gravity,

So I think
I should be in charge.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I know how to do it--
be weightless.

So when we're floating around
in this kovacs guy,

In the submarine--

Have you ever seen
a submarine movie?

[chuckles] oh my god,
operation petticoat,

Das boot,
the enemy below,

Run silent, run deep,
gray lady down--

Ooh, yellow sub--
yellow submarine, yes!

Wow, there's so many
submarine movies.

And in any of them
was anyone on board

Any submarine weightless?

[overlapping dawning]
...Fat joke?

Yeah, plus that time
we were all on a submarine

And were not weightless?

Oh, right. Uh, but this time
we're gonna be tiny.

[dr. Sklodowska]

After being miniaturized,
the nereus,

With the mission team
on board,

Will be injected
into dr. Kovacs here,

As close to the blood clot
as possible.

This is because we only
have exactly 60 minutes

Before the process wears off
and we revert to normal size.

Sixty minutes exactly?

Yes, I feel like
I was very clear on that.

Our progress will be
tracked in real time

On a 3-d map
of the human body--

[overlapping disgust]

Oh my god,
slim goodbody.

No, this is absolutely not

That trademark character.

This is--
[scoffs] oh my god.

Just a unitard with the systems
of the human body on it.

On a guy.
On a guy named
tv's michael gray.


Earballs! Jesus!

I see I have some
fans in the audience.

are you kidding?
Are you?

it's tv's michael gray.

Billy batson,
from the shazam/isis hour?

and the brian keith show.

in the brian keith show.

Who is brian keith?
Now you're just
trying to piss me off.

So what's up?
W-what have you been doing?

As you see,
my good sir.

Cia puppet shows?

you philistine.

Michael, what
are you doing here?

How did he
even get on the base?

He said he knew you.

You let
an unauthorized civilian

Onto a cia black site
just because he said he knew me?

Well plus,
he is tv's michael gray.

and as you may or may not know,

Tv's michael gray
and I were lovers.

If that is shocking to you,
so be it.

[overlapping disagreement]
I get it.

I think maybe
you're confusing

The word,
"shocking" with the word--

This is shocking!
No, that's just gross.

Which is also the word
I think you're looking for

With your old man fetish.

Aw come on,
they're not so--

That one
doesn't even have skin!
[dr. Sklodowska sighs]

Okay if everyone will follow me
to the miniaturization chamber,

We will now begin
boarding the nereus.

Whoa. Wait. Already?

Yeah. Shouldn't we learn
a little more about

The mission parameters?

Oh you
absolutely should!

But we're behind schedule,
thanks to--

Tv's michael gray.

Yes. We get it, michael.

No, you ruined it.

[female voice]
will begin in 60 minutes.

okay people, you heard the lady.

We've got no time to lose,
so here are
your mission assignments.


No you're not.
Gillette is the pilot,

And cyril is the co-pilot.

Well we'll see about that.

Go see about that.

Okay. Pam and crazy glue,

Your job is to stay out
of everybody's way,

So maybe go do that
in the rear.

what, like, butt-sex?

Of the ship.
Well let's keep
an open mind.

And a closed mouth.
How about that?

Just go.

Okay. Lana, you think
you can help dr. Sklodowska

With the navigation?
Well I did get an a
in college biology.

Oh wow, great.
So when we're traversing

The occipital lobe,
you'll know what to do

If the ship
is in imminent danger

Of phagocytosis
by polymorphonuclear leukocytes?

It actually
might've been an a-minus.


okay maybe just help
archer with the laser

If he ever gets-- out here.

You two head up
to the laser turret

And get acquainted with
that bad boy.

[makes laser noises]

jesus h. Christ, ray!

speaking of h,

Do you see me
in a sort of

Leonard h.
"bones" mccoy type role, or--

[slater] meaning?
on-board medical officer.

Mm yeah,
I wouldn't say on-board.

Oh man!

So not only am I not
going to tiny town,

Now I have
to execute a guy?

What are you
talking about?

This big, meaty bastard
right here.

What are we doing,
lethal injection?

Are you--
this is dr. Kovacs.

This is?
Are you sure?

Because even
a first-year phrenology student

Could see that
this man...

Is a cold-blooded murderer.

Who are you, george combe?

man, I wish.

because now I probably
have nerve damage.

I've decided
to let ray drive.

With his racist
robot monster hand!

Hand, legs, feet.
I am a monster.

Oh now, come on.
You're not a monster,

You're just different.

Come on.
It could be a lot worse.

Well I guess the hand,

Or the tissue
covering the bionic part,
it would be, I guess.

You know, could've come
from a serial killer.

And then one day soon,
maybe you're shaving,

And you find out
it has a mind of its own.

It's a force of pure evil,
and it starts dragging you out
into the city at night.

Just cats at first.
But once the hand
gets a taste for killing,

It's only a matter of time
before you're out there

Strangling male prostitutes,
and then posing them

In grotesque and horrific
parodies of mentos ads.

You know,
the freshmaker.

In which case,
I guess try to remember

I was always kind to you.

Not always.
[nervous chuckle]

Miniaturization will begin
in 30 minutes.

And besides,
I don't think ray's hand

Is the one that's racist.

Shock. Nothing.

so, listen.

I can't.
I'm swiveling.

Yes you can, archer.

I need to talk to you
about something important.

what's more important

Than blasting
imaginary womp rats

In my imaginary

T-16 back home?

Your infant daughter.

Oh right.
Sorry. What's up?

Well a, this mission
feels fairly dangerous
and totally half-cocked.

that's normally cock aplenty.

Shut up.
And what if kovacs dies,

And the cia disavows us,

And we're blacklisted
from intelligence work?

I'd have a lot more
free time?

So your entire career,
your entire personal identity

As a spy, gone?
Maybe I finally learn
to fly-fish.

That's great, archer.
What if we die?

I'd have a lot more
free time?

Well if we do die,
I just want to reiterate

That my parents
are gonna be

A.J.'s legal guardians,
not malory.

okay. A, you've made that

Hurtfully clear
about a jillion times.

B, ava jean could do
a lot worse for a guardian.


jesus christ!

I-I'm sorry.
I didn't see the child.

Hmm? Oh she's fine.
She's used to it.


"then the mama bear said,

"'well somebody's been
eating my porridge.'

And then the baby bear said--"
are you out
of your goddamn mind?


I just had
the drapes cleaned!

And then
papa bear said, "yeah?

"you just keep it up
because this town is crawling

"with goldilockses
with hot, young bodies

And daddy issues."

exactly. Like
what's-her-face at work.


Debbie, yeah.

And as far
as I'm concerned,

The sooner she learns
about cigarettes, the better.

This little pudge-pop's going
to need all the help she can get

In the battle of the bulge.

And c, even if, god forbid
something happens to you,

I'm gonna be fine.

So if, say,
there's a malfunction

With the shrink ray
and the ship,

And everything in it
gets vaporized?

I'd just jump out
at the last second.

While every single
atom and molecule

In your body
is being destroyed?

Uh, no. I already jumped out.
It's this new

Thing called
cat-like reflexes.

So can you seriously
not even grasp

The concept
of your own mortality?

Lana, nobody can.

Except maybe bears.

So will you do everyone a favor
and relax for once?

Nothing bad's gonna--
[both yelps]

buzzing, thundering]

sorry, gang!

My bad.
That was on me.

Hey, somebody roll
that guy around.


Miniaturization in...

You were saying?
I don't know.

Ten minutes.

Probably something
about paris.

in five minutes.

[dr. Sklodowska]
roger that, mission control.

Navigation systems
are online.

We are ready
for miniaturization process.

copy that, navigation.

Bridge is online
and we are ready

miniaturization process, over.

Said your dick.

That would mean
it's too big, dummy,

And so it's ready
to be made smaller.

Damn it.

Turret, are you ready to begin
miniaturization? Over.

Yes, if--

Lana, you good?

We'll be fine, all right?

A.J. Will be fine.

Just remember
what we talked about.

You already forgot.

bears. Turret ready.

Roger that, stupid.
You guys ready to make history?

I'm ready to make
a million dollars.

Close enough.
Okay, let's light this candle.

What are you doing?

He said light the candle.
Not an ear candle!

Well you won't bleed him,
you won't cup him,

You won't divine his humors.
For all you charlatans know,

This poor man is both
phlegmatic and bilious.

Get out.

So, hey, do I need
to swipe a keycard, or--

Paging dr. Dickwads.

[alarm blaring]

All clear.

initialization sequence.

All clear.

[blaring continues]

[dr. Sklodowska]
mission control,
this is nereus.

We are ready
for miniaturization, over.

Speak for yourself,
holy shrink-snacks.

Yeah, this
is kind of terrifying.

So why are you messing around
with this crazy shrink ray?

It's not like
you need a million bucks.

Wh-- are you kidding?
It's not about the money.

Pam, we are going on a voyage
of medical discovery

Unparalleled in not only
the history of mankind,

But also, perhaps,
its future.

Hippocrates, galen,

Percival, sharp.

For thousands of years,
physicians have dreamed

Of having the power to see

What we've been given
the chance to

Through this truly awe-inspiring
process of miniaturization,

Which I think
you'll agree,

Is the very embodiment
of arthur c. Clarke's third law,

Which states that any
sufficiently advanced technology

Is indistinguishable
from magic.

if you like, a miracle.

plus I'm going to use
the money to buy an orphanage,

And then bulldoze it.

Shits and grins
and screams.

Wah, porridge,
wah, aah!

[evil laugh]

Well maybe she'll die.

Commence miniaturization
in ten...

[breathing exercises]

Nine... Eight...


Seven... Six...
Lana, calm down.

Five... Four...
You're making me
really hard.

Three... Two...
Goddamn, dude.


[all gasping]

[nervous laughter]

Wait. What happened?

It-it's gone.
Hang on.

Mission control
to nereus, over.

this is nereus, control.

[overlapping cheers]
how wonderful.

Miniaturization complete, over.


Oh my god.


[dr. Sklodowska]

Okay, people, we have
one hour to save dr. Kovacs.

And then hopefully
a lifetime to be with him.

Once he leaves hilda.

control, I think
we're ready to start

Transport and injection, over.

roger that, nereus.

So, should we
be steering, or--

Okay. Now the submarine
is in a saline solution

In the syringe, which the robot
will now gently transport

Into the surgical theater,

Where it will prepare
to inject the solution

Into the cerebrospinal fluid

At the base
of dr. Kovacs' skull.

We're not weightless!
Why not?

And since
we only have...

59 minutes-ish until the nereus
reverts to normal size,

It is crucial that
the injection be as close

To the blood clot
as humanly--

Well, robotically possible,
I guess.

We're looking good
down here, control.

All lined up
on the injection site.

Roger that.
Nereus, are you ready?

[lana] ugh! Yes!
Let's get this over with!

You are a go
for injection, doctor.

[drone doctor]
preparing to inject.
[crashing, screaming]

So should there
be screaming?

Shh! Control,
we're hearing some screaming.

what's the story on that?

What in the name
of sweet jiminy christ

Do you think
you're doing?

Standing up
for myself!

Because maybe
I didn't go to some

ivy league med school,

And maybe I didn't go
to some other med school,

Even the one
down in grenada,

Which was my fallback,
but whatever.

That doesn't give you
the right to bully me.

I have had it!

Oh, and by the way,

If I was a clone
of adolf goddamn hitler,

Wouldn't I look like
adolf goddamn hitler?

Huh. I never
thought about that.

Not you.

Doctor, please tell me
that nereus

Was injected into kovacs?

It was.
Whew, okay.

So we're still okay.

I'm sorry. I should've
finished that thought.

It was injected into dr. Kovacs,
but not at the injection site.

Well then, where is it?

His foot.

Wow. Now I feel
like dr. Dickwads.

Krieger, shut up!
And you, get them out of there.

[sighs] we can't.
They're way too small.

They'll just have
to make it to his tear duct

Like we planned.

Is there enough time
to make it to the clot,

Laser it,
and still escape?

I mean, it will
be close, but maybe.

Damn it!
[sighs] so do we tell them?

Well they'll find out
soon enough.

And in the meantime,

I'm sure sterling
has everything well in hand.

goddamn it.

made in georgia.