Archer (2009–…): Season 6, Episode 10 - Reignition Sequence - full transcript

An office romance is interrupted by the Russians.

c'mon, you know you want it.

you don't know what I want.

Oh, yes I do.
Come on, just the tip.

I don't know.
It's pretty big.

I think it's just a standard
breakfast burrito size.

Here. First take
a bite of mine.

No, first you take
a bite of mine.
Let's do it together.

Is that crazy?
Oh, my god, okay.

Mmm. Ooh!

[moaning continuing]

[louder, more excited]
[ecstatic laughing]

oh, my god.

Men's room?
Broom closet.

It's dirtier.
No. Bring the burrito.

Oh, my god!


[all groaning, commenting]

Well, we were all
thinking it.

That, and how
chili's not breakfast.

Well, technically, anything's
breakfast, if it's your
first meal of the day.

Oh. Then ray's right.

And also duh.
Well, hooray. Give
yourself a hand.

You know what?
I know you better
sit your ass down

Before I jam
an easy spirit up it!

Whoa. Hey! Pam, ray.
Come on, you two.

You're not mad
at each other.

You're mad at
the unspeakably revolting

Symbiotic mass
of bodily fluids

That is now
archer and lana.

They make me sick!

Rub it in our faces how
we're doomed to be alone.

Well, your face.
And ray's, I guess.

Wait, nobody's
rubbin' off in my face.

Yeah, that's her point.
And think how hard
watching them

Must be for cyril.
No! It's--

That's not--
I mean, come on!

I'm totally
over lana, so...

You can lie to yourself--

look at your sweater.

But don't lie
to team breakup.

Guys, it's obvious
what we got to do!

Throw acid in
their kissy faces.


You want to try
to break them up?

I mean, it's
either that or...

No! The solution to every
problem isn't throwing
frickin' acid on it!

Unless the problem
is a solution with
an overly-alkaline ph balance.

Krieger, hush! Pam?
You have a plan?

I don't know. Maybe
we could do something like
one of those bait cars?

But obviously, the car
would be a vagina.

Hmm. Okay,
so we get a woman

That archer would
find irresistible.

Maybe by having
her fog a mirror.

Then put her
in archer's path,

And his pathological
need to sleep

With every woman
he meets does the rest.

Or, you know, a lot
of couples break up
if their kid dies.


Yeah. Easy peasy.

We hire somebody to kidnap
their fat, gross baby.

There's this huge
man-slash-baby hunt.

It's in all the newspapers.

On the wireless.
America's going apeshit.

Then, we double-cross
the kidnapper,

Who obviously we paid
with easily-traceable
gold certificates.

We plant a shitload of
dicey evidence in his garage.

Tip off the cops--
he's basically convicted
of being german,

And then, bzz-zap!

Dirtnap for the kraut!
Compliments of old sparky.

God damn!

But wait. If it's
a kidnapping--

Uhh! The child
is sent to bhutan,

Where for the next 20 years,
she's raised and trained
as an assassin

By r'as al ghul before
returning to destroy

Those who once betrayed her.


But it buys us time.

♪ [theme]

[archer, chuckling]
oh, my god, lana.

That was insane!

It's insane, like,
every time now.

What is going on with you?

Go-going on with me how?
What do you mean?
I mean--

And uh, don't take this
the wrong way, but--

Did your dick
get bigger?

I don't think so.
Is that a thing?

I think I would
have heard of it!

Wait, in le retour
de martin guerre,

Didn't his get bigger?
Nope. His feet got smaller.

Oh. Well, I know
my feet are the same.

His wife fell in love
with him when he came back
because he was caring

And loving, which
he wasn't before.

Larger penis
probably didn't hurt.

And I'm sure my feet
are the same, lana.

My cordwainer
would have said something.

Well, whatever it is,
for some reason

I don't have to suppress
my gag reflex now

Whenever you mention
your cordwainer.

Well, what should I call him?
A shoemaker?

What I'm trying to say is,
you were different

Than you were when
you dated the first time.

More mature, maybe?
And definitely more
focused on me.

As opposed to every single
woman you meet in a bar

Or at a party
or just merely walking
down the street.

I-- yeah. Uh.
I'm sorry for that... Time.

Times, yes. Plural.
And I promise you,

That won't ever
happen again.
it better not.

Because this time--
it's really kinda good, right?

No, archer, it's great!

I can't remember when
I was this happy!

You recently gave birth
to a child.

shit, right!

But besides that,
this is the happiest
I've been in a while!

Which, obviously, is
why we can't tell mother
we're dating again.

Because she'd try to
break us up somehow.

She can't stand for me
to be in a relationship.

I think it actually
causes her physical pain.

You realize your
relationship with malory
isn't a huge selling point?

y-yeah. So, to make up
for it, what say I

Bend you back
over the mop sink?

Bring it, sommersby.

Because, you ding dong,
our bait-car hooker

Has to be
hotter than lana.

[laughs, croaks]
that won't be hard!

What? Did you
suddenly go blind?

no, phew!

But pam, come on.
The prostitutes on
this website

Are like--
jeezy petes!

Some of them are
10,000 a night!

So two grand apiece!
Are you--

I wouldn't even pay
$2,000 to get myself laid.

Well, maybe now,
but a few more weeks
without that hand...

That's not even the hand--
I don't see how that's
any of your beeswax!

Speaking of, do
I smell beeswax?

Maybe you can pay one of these
high-class hookers with it.

- Really?
- No!

Because I'm not
chipping in 2,000 bucks.

Or even 1,000.
Because I just found out
our shitty insurance

Doesn't cover
prosthetic limbs!

How do you not--
you're head of h.R.!

Probably because
I got two frickin' hands!

[all screaming]

[loud whistling]


If I wanted to hear
you people scream,

I'd have you flown
to a cia black site

In morocco and listen
to your torture session
on speakerphone!

Speaking of,
any word from slater?

Not a word from the cia
since you idiots
ruined the mission

With the durhani
royal family.

So I have no idea
what our status is.

For all I know,
we're wanted for
treason again.

Well, no news
is good news.

You do realize this is
an intelligence agency?



Yeesh. Why don't we just
tell her they're dating?

She'll make them so crazy
they'll break up on their own.

Because then she would
tell them we told her,

And then even if
I did want lana back--
which I don't--

it wouldn't matter!

Because mr. Archer would
feed you your own bones!

well, I don't know
about that!

Please. You'd die
of marrow poisoning.

So come on!
Let's pick a hooker!

One that archer's
never had sex with.
Is there one?

You're forgetting what
the largest sex organ
on the human body is.

The... Penis?

Well, I was gonna say

I was gonna say
pam's vagina.
Me too.

The brain!


Not like that--
what is wrong
with you people?

Ray's missing a hand.

Archer won't risk
his relationship with lana

For a previous conquest--
especially a prostitute!

For a man like him,
it's all about the hunt.

they're all gonna have--
I said hunt.

Oh. Still, though...
So we have to pay
a hooker up front

To bump into archer
somewhere and just hope
he's never banged her?

Come on, it's new york.
I bet there's
20,000 hookers here.

What are the odds
mr. Archer already banged
whichever one we pick?

I was gonna say 50/50.

Me too.
I was gonna say
"pam's vagina."

So, we have to find
a beautiful woman

Who archer's never
had sex with.

Well, that counts me out.
Me too.

Which part?
Keep it up,

Or, both of you shut up.

Better yet, a woman who has
a powerful psychological
hold over archer.

Please, tell me
you don't mean his mother.

Yeah, because even for us--

I'm not talking
about miss archer!

The only woman archer
ever really cared about
besides lana is...

[all gasping]
what? Who?

Yeah. Who is it?

Hang on, before we call her,
are we sure we want to do this?

No, you're my smoochy-boochy.

No, you're my


So. Is there
a country code, or--

Da? Yes.
This is colonel kazanova.

Yes. Oh, really?

Yes? Yes?
I understand.

Yeah. Yes.

Who was that?
Who was who?

What are you talking about?
Uh-- you were--

Did you just now
have telephone call?
[giggling] no!

Don't be an idiot.
Also, I must go to america.

Unrelated to the telephone call
that I just did not receive.

[toilet flushes]


How are you
holding up, buddy?
With regard to--

me and lana?

Oh-ho. Right.
Gotta be tough, huh?

Yeah, I'm barely
muddling through.

I'm sensing
a little sarcasm.

Yes, cyril, I am.

Maybe that's because I don't
care that you're dating lana,

Because... [laughs]
you'll never have
what she and I had.

Like what?
Like... Uh...

I don't know, archer.
The little things.

Like stir Friday.
You're right, cyril.

Nothing I could do
could ever compare to
the sensual pleasures

To be found in a greasy wok
full of tiny ears of corn

And meat the exact size
and shape of dice. Which--

You just realized is why
that method of chopping food
is called "dicing."

Maybe. And maybe
since it's Friday, cyril,

Tonight, I'm gonna make
lana stir-fry!

You-- what? No!
Yes! So, soy you later!


[door slams]

Operation stir cry-day
is go, over.

copy that, figgis newton.

And also,
shitty operation name.

Why can't you use
the women's?

And why'd you give me
a walkie-talkie?
Why do you care?

About either?
[lana] wait. What?

Dinner? Tonight?
My place? I'll cook.

What is this,
like a word scramble?

No, it's like
me cooking you dinner.

You, as in, woodhouse?
No, me as in me, lana.

I don't even know
where woodhouse is.

I actually haven't seen
him in, like, weeks.


I'm cooking.
Me, lana. Me. Me!

you two and your constant
bickering. What is it this time?

Lana's hogging
the copier.

I swear to sweet jesus...
Okay, julia childish.

I'll get a sitter for a.J.
So, what time is dinner?

And can I bring anything?
Let's say sevenish,

And yes, you can bring
100 copies of this.

♪ [hums]

Wait. What?

[horn honking]
come on!

Sorry, I had to get
stakeout supplies, and--

What happened to your van?
We can't stake out
archer's apartment

In the rush van,
it's way too iconic.

[cyril] wait. This
is actual ice cream.

Plus I been moonlighting.

[hologram speaking japanese]

[krieger] shut up!
Okay, little help
here, nerm-nerts.

Think you got
enough beer?

But I brought
a couple joints.

♪ [archer humming]

No, it's cool.
I got it, woodhouse.

Unless you came home?
You little scamp!

Woodhouse? Woodhouse!

Seriously, I hope
he didn't die.
[glasses tinkling]

Meemo. Check obituaries.

Meemo. Tell woodhouse
to buy newspap-- damn!

No, that's just
a feedback loop.

[faucet squeaks,
water running]

god damn it, woodhouse,
you stack of bones,

If you're using my bathroom,
you're gonna need an obitu--
what the--


No, my darling.
It is I!

well, you sound
surprised, darling.

Well, wh-- [stuttering]
why are you in my bathroom?

Oh, I was just preparing.

In my apartment.
In america!

Oh, I just had
to see you, darling.

I have been longing
for your tender touch.

Well-- but just, like,
out of the blue?

Was barry's touch
not tender? Or--

I-- how you say, uh--
"dump" barry.

All right!
You knew this?

I assumed it was
bound to happen,

Since barry
was such a douche.

And still is. Presumably.

And also alive, and not crushed
and then burned to death

In a grain silo. Presumably.

What is the matter, darling?
Are you not excited
to see your katya?

Mm... No, "excited" is
actually the exact word
I would have cho--

Ho-ho-haw-- oh.

[pam, laughing]
oh, my god!

This is, like,
the perfect day.

Ahh! The day archer
finally gets what's
been coming to him

All these years.

So, wait. When did
you put all those cameras
in his apartment?

The same time
I did the rest of--
you know what's good?

Yeah, let's all have
a hochschieben!

Mmm! Das ist lecker, no?

Yes! I mean, no.
I mean, my neck's all sweaty.

It can't possibly
taste good, so--

I love, is-- is salty.
It's like caviar.

Which, boy! Talk about
an acquired taste, huh?

And a little-known fact--
[flame rustles]

Uh, darling,
you're on fire!
Oh, my god. Yeah.

So are you.
No. Literally.

You mean figuratively.
Oh, god, there's so much
we never had time to--


Uh, darling, there.
The champagne.

[clears throat]

Oh, ho. Very high
in cholesterol.

Darling, are you all right?
Yeah. I'm fine.

Messrs. Kilgour, french,
stanbury, turnbull and
asser... Not so much.

Oh, well, then let's get
you out of these wet clothes,

And into something...


Oh, I can promise you,
it is not dry.



Well, in the immortal words
of wendell stamps,

That's going in
the slide show!

no offense.

Why would I be offen--

[snorts, laughs]

[katya on spycam]
oh, baby, it is
all over everything.

So is cheryl.
Will you get off?

[slurring words]
that's what she said, right?

More like what he said.
Katya, please.

Please, I have
to tell you something.

I'm listening.
Go ahead, baby.

They're jingling, baby.

I didn't know you were
a fan of early crossover
mainstream hip-hop.

Oh! Or that you were
that strong. [gasps]

Oh, my god. I'm glad
I'm not a woman.

Da, baby, ya tozhe.

No. Not in a general sense.

Look, look, look, look--
here comes lana!

Oh, man! I don't want
to sound greedy,

But a threesome
and then a break-up?

or a foursome,
and I'm the pizza guy?

You have pizza?
[car door shuts]

[alarm chirps]
♪ [humming]

Dahlink, I do
not understand.

I know, and me neither.
This is all uncharted
territory for me.

But I've changed, katya.
I've changed.

Well, I have also changed.
My new operating system

Includes the entire
kama sutra...
Wow! Okay.

The first edition of
the old mr. Boston official
bartender's guide...

And a deep, hard-wired

and appreciation
of men's lacrosse.


What did I--
darling, wait!

♪ [humming]

Out o' order.

Yes, thank you.
I can see that.

Why you ask?

Out of order?
I'll show you out of order.

Lana kane?
The giant negress?

Hey! Now come on.
She's not--

A negress?

I mean, she's tall,
but a lot of that's
the boots, and the hair--

And those hands aren't
doing her any favors,

She's basically groot.
[holding smoke in]

I mean, in the dark
it's like eubie blake's
reaching out for you, but--

But you prefer her to me?

I mean, no, but wait.
You slept with barry
at our wedding!

Da-ah! At second wedding.
Oh. Right.

At our first wedding--
I saved your life from barry,

And in process,
I lose my own life!

But then again, you slept
with him at our second
wedding, which kinda--

You were the one who could
not deal with the fact
that I am now cyborg!

You were the one
who banged barry!
[gasps] bozhe moy!

You have not changed a bit!
Ha! Shows what you know!

You barry-banger!
I have changed!

I have a kid!

[sighs heavily]

Yeah. A little baby girl,
abbiejean. With lana.

And then we started
going out again,
and somehow it's...

Kind of amazing, really.

We're, like, connecting,
you know? And I realize that

All this time, even though
we fought like cats
and a very tall dog,

We've always been
best friends.

And then to realize
you might actually
be in love

With your best friend
who also happens to be
the mother of your child--

That's, like, a miracle.

And so even though
I'll always have
a special place for you

In my heart, and obviously
in my slide show, I--
your what?

It doesn't matter. I--
I feel like I just found lana

After all these years,
and I can't risk
losing her again.


Don't know what to say,

I feel--
I feel like--


A great big, jerky
giant asshole.


Well? Are we just
gonna sit here?


Lazy, lazy, fatty
fatty gaijin! Whee!

I mean, how do you not
murder her every day?

I do.

No, please, I feel
like the asshole.

I mean, look at you.
I literally cannot believe
I'm asking you to go.

but you must.

Yeah. I've seen her
crush a cue ball.

Oh, I forgot something
in bathroom.
I'll mail it to you.

But you got to go now!
She'll be here any second.

Whoo! Suck it, you...
Dick stairs.

Is a bit awkward,
to leave from balcony.

I know, sorry, but
the elevator's out,

And I can just see
you two running into
each other on the stairs.

Uh, no, I mean because
the last time I leave
your apartment

From balcony--
oh, right!

You died.
But the last time,

I did not have this.

Da. It is also very good
for bondage, mild bdsm,

Things of this nature.

I bet.
May I kiss you
good-bye, sterling?

Yes. Yes, pleas--

I will miss you.
Very much.

Me too. But if
it's any consolation,

I'll be thinking of you
the next... Several times
I have sex with lana.

well, good-bye...


oh, holy shit, I got
to make stir-fry.

Why is the door open?
That's weird.

[all screaming]
What? What the shit?

oh, I got a stitch.

What are you idiots
doing here?

What am I even doing here?

Well, archer, the first thing
you're doing is making
a very stiff drink.


Cyril? You gotta...

Cyril's gotta...
Tell you something.

No I don't!
Yeah, you do.

Yeah, cyril!
That is just... [growls]

Cyril! What?

Lana, please don't go in there
because I still love you.

There. I said it.


[yelling, screaming]

So. How's all that going?

not great.

Jesus, woodhouse
really is gone, huh?

Which-- here are your flyers.
Yeah, I actually
don't need them.

What? After I made
all these copies?

Well, who's gonna
put 'em up, lana?
Hey! Whoa.

I did not just
schlep my ass up your
jillion idiot stairs

To eat your shitty
attitude for dinner, mister.

I might as well go
eat with cyril. At least
he can cook stir-fry.

And, he's still
totally in love with me.

Yeah. Right outside,
just dumped his purse
all over the welcome mat.

Ugh! So pathetic.

Seriously. Maybe
try growing a pair.

But here I am
with the old archer.

I'm not the old archer.
I'm the new archer!

I've changed, lana.
Please, you're halfway
to half in the bag.

As usual, walkin' around
in your--

Why are you in
your spreefs?

They compliment
my active lifestyle?


Oh, what, what, lana!

Wait! No, there's
nothing in there.

You call this nothing?

Yeah, so...

Because I call it
smoochy-boochy town.
Uh-- hmm?

Smooth jazz, rose petals,

Not sure what happened
there, but oh, my gosh!
And dom pérignon?

Which, I assume,
was delicious.

Uh, expensive
fire extinguisher.

Well, then go get a few more
bottles out of the fridge

Just to be safe, because
I am gonna burn you down!

[giddy laughter]

Back in a sec,

New archer...

Yeah. I-I am new!
I am, lana.

I mean, I feel like
a brand new man!

I've really changed!


[clears throat]
then why...

is there a vagina
in the sink!

Um, so...
Funny story.