Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Archer Vice: The Rules of Extraction - full transcript

En route to Colombian prison, a cow turns out to be lucky for the trio of desperadoes, until they find themselves at the mercy of the jungle. Back at Tunt Manor, Archer's ultimate VM scheme pushes a worried Malory over the edge. Ray has a major brainstorm, which leads to water travel. The girls decide to cheer up Malory with a spa day as Archer obsesses about one of his top 3 fears: crocodiles. Lucky somebody brought guards along for a snack...

ARCHER: Oh, come on, how long
are you guys gonna stay mad at me?

What, for getting
us all arrested

for smuggling
cocaine into Colombia?

Probably the rest
of our damn lives.

Which shouldn't be very long,
since we're headed to La Culebra,

the most dangerous
prison in South America!

Well, Cyril, when we get there,
and I join the toughest gang,

don't hold your
breath for a bid.

A bid?

They're prison gangs, not frats.

And don't call a
fraternity a frat!



No, I'm fine, don't
worry about me.

And don't worry about La Culebra,
gringos, you are not going there.

Well, that's good. Is that good?

It doesn't sound very good.

Why does that sound
really, really, really bad?

[SIGHS] Because they're
gonna kill us. What?


Unless you got maybe,
$100,000 U.S. on you?

Well, not on me, on me, but...

But when we're digging our own
graves they're gonna get cocky

and then we whang 'em
with our shovels, right?

Cyril, this isn't an episode
of B.J. and the Bear.

That was?

It's the jungle,
nobody digs graves,

they just kneel you down by a
ditch and put a bullet in your...


Why would they
shoot your... Cow!


ARCHER: God...



Well, now I'm
almost afraid to say...


Eat a dick, jungle.


CYRIL: Easy, easy, careful!

ARCHER: Cyril! For
the love of Christ, man.

Sorry. You have to shut up.

I am. Starting
now. Starting now...

Cyril? Sorry.


What was that?

Probably a jaguar, excited about

being magnificent
and crepuscular.

But I need you to focus on me,

because if by some
miracle, I get the keys...

And then, by some
other, even bigger miracle,

get us out of these
cuffs... [SNIFFING]


I am gonna beat the
shit out of you, Cyril!

I'm gonna beat the
shit outta both of y'all.

Oh, my God, Ray!

You're alive?

What? Did y'all
think I was dead?

Yeah, I totally did.
Well, I just assumed...

And you didn't even
take a moment?

I mean...

Oh, screw you guys! Ya know...

What, wait. What
is in your mouth?

Nothing. It's the keys!

He's eating the keys?

Ray, don't you eat those keys!

I'm not eating the
goddamn keys! Ow!

What're you doing down there?

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Sorry.

Do me! Do me. Do
me. RAY: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ray! Do me.

Sorry. Do me. Please.

First promise you
won't be mad at me.

I... Wait, why would
I be mad at you?

Because you're an asshole!

MALORY: I beg your pardon?

Since Cyril's not here,
I'm helping Cherlene

redline her record contract.

And I think we should move on,
they're not gonna let you kill a guy.

What about a dwarf?

What about Sterling?

Wait, he's a dwarf now?

He's missing! With God knows
how much of our dwindling cocaine

and no one's doing
anything to find him!

If he calls here, my
plan, in its entirety,

is to ask him where he is.

It has a simple elegance.

Well, have you
tried calling him?



The mailbox of...

ARCHER: Ar-ar-ar-archer

VOICE: is full, leave it.

All right! Turn
it off! Turn it off!

ARCHER: Ar-ar-ar-Archer...

I can't! It's... [BANGING]

Aw! Aw!

Okay, so he forwards his
phone here, that's easy,

then he taps the phone
line into the intercom,

they're both
low-voltage, no big deal,

but that's patched into
the actual house wiring,

obviously 110 AC,

which means he must've wired a
transformer in the circuit somewhere,

but he's got all these fake wires
in here, that don't connect to any...


Is this all just a
game to you people?

My God, I'm broke.

My husband kicked
me out of my own home,

we're running out of cocaine, and
on top of all that, my son is missing!

Um, okay, if
Archer calls, I'll...

No, please, don't disturb me,
I think I'm getting a migraine...

Outlaw country!


I honestly don't know
how much more I can take!


Wow, I think she
seriously might be,

like, nearing the
end of her rope.

Hey, speaking of rope...

You want cocaine?


ARCHER: God damn it!

How is this my fault?

Because why do you
always get paralyzed?

Because why do you always crash

every goddamn vehicle I get in?

I didn't crash it! That crooked
idiot drunk murdering cop did!

Yeah, speaking of... These
guys don't look too good.


Well? They're gonna look even
worse when they're jaguar poop!

What? We can't
just leave them here.

As opposed to what, Cyril?

You and I sling them over our
shoulders and climb 200 feet

straight up a cliff,
without a goddamn rope?

I... Wait, where am
I in that scenario?

I guess getting
pooped out of a jaguar!

Well, we definitely
can't leave Ray!

We have to! Ray, I'm
sorry. No, you're not!

I am, actually, which,
whatever, but... [GUN COCKS]

We are not leaving Ray.

What do you even
think you're doing?

I'm taking command!


Hey! I'm serious!

Oh, my God, okay.
That's really funny.

Thanks, Cyril, I
think we needed that.

We did, we really did.

Man! Now gimme
the goddamn weapon.

You nut. [CHUCKLES]

Thought you were
gonna hit me with it.

I was.

Okay, so how do we get Ray
and his useless legs out of here?

Well, now, I actually have
some thoughts on that.

God damn it.

RAY: I think it's a
pretty good plan, y'all.

ARCHER: No, it isn't!

We might as well
slather ourselves

with whatever it
is crocodiles eat,

and swim down!

What do crocodiles eat?


They eat everything!

And fear is their bacon bits.

CHERYL: I don't understand
what you're saying.

Damn it! Look, I think
Malory is genuinely

going through a really
hard time right now,

so I think we should do
something nice for her.

I don't understand
what you're...

God damn it! I'm with you, Lana.

It freaked me out
seeing her cry like that.

It was like seeing my dad cry.

Crying because...

[SCOFFS] Name it,
he's a gigantic pussy.

Oh, my God, when my mom died?

Hey, and speaking of pussies...

A Long Island Iced Tea?

I'm not even supposed
to drink regular iced tea.

Yeah, this is a Long Island.

Yeah, stupid.

Your words.

Shut up, and okay,

so what would cheer Malory
up, what does she like?

Archer and money and liquor.

Besides that.

Some different liquor.

You know what
always cheers me up...

We're not giving her cocaine.

I was gonna say cock.

Yeah... Ow!

You done?

I am. Thank you.

Ass. And, Pam,
that's not a bad idea.

Hmm. I dunno if I'd be comfortable
with that. I mean, even for me, it's...

Lemme stop you, before you say

what it is you think
I'm talking about.

Gettin' shitty drunk on
two different kinds of liquor,

dressing up like Mr. Archer,

and banging the old
lady with a strap-on...

Ow! That's not
what I had in mind.

Okay, good, 'cause the
dressing up like Mr. Archer part

makes it kinda weird. I...

I'd have to be super
drunk, like so drunk

I bet I wouldn't even enjoy...



Okay, so what's your plan?

CYRIL: Well, eventually we have
to come to a village or whatever

and maybe we can barter
with them for a ride, or...

Barter with what, Cyril?

I dunno, maybe the gun, or...

Yes! Great idea, yes, Cyril,

let's give an M-16 to a
bunch of wild Indians!

Whoa! Hey!

God damn, Huckleberry Finn!

What? I don't think it's racist to
assume that a previously uncontacted

tribe of indigenous peoples
might react unpredictably,

perhaps even wildly,
to a bunch of white guys

who walk up and hand
'em a goddamn M-16!

Okay, I didn't know
in your scenario

the indigenous people
were uncontacted...

Totally different scenario.

In which... No, you
obviously wouldn't

just want to hand them an M-16.

'Cause they'd be like "What?"

Or whatever their
word for that is.


A spa day! What?

No, I can't go out like this...

No, no, no, that's
the best part, it's here!

Then it's not a spa
day, it's just a bath!

I want to go back to sleep!

Well, after this
you'll be so relaxed...

I took three Valium!

If I get any more
relaxed I will literally die!

Okay, well, that's also good,

because you may not actually
find this to be all that relaxing.

MALORY: What the...

Why are they dressed like that?

[SIGHS] That was the
only way they'd do it.



CYRIL: Wait, what?

ARCHER: Crocodylus
acutus! And maybe even...

Are we in the Orinoco
drainage basin?

How should I know?

Okay, so maybe Crocodylus
intermedius is in play.

Not to mention
four kinds of caiman,

including the black caiman,
which can grow up to 22 feet!

Is that why you're up
on those goddamn cans?

Yeah, if a big bull croc
slithers up on the raft,

I'm gonna pour a ring of gas
around me and set it on fire.

Why? Cyril, they can't
chomp through fire.

Although I have no
reason to think that.

Why are you so
scared of crocodiles?

I dunno, Cyril, maybe deep down

I'm afraid of any apex predator

that lived through the
K-T extinction... Uh...

Physically unchanged
for 100,000,000 years,

because it's the
perfect killing machine.

A half-ton of cold-blooded fury,

with a bite force
of 20,000 Newtons

and stomach acid so strong it
can dissolve bones and hoof.

And now we're surrounded,

those snake-eyes are watching

from the shadows,
waiting for the night...

[SINGING] Waiting for the night!

Damn it, Ray! [VOCALIZES]

Keep your voice down.

Why? Crocodiles don't have ears.

They absolutely
have ears, shithead.

Well, so do I, and you just
talked yourself out of a hat.


Jeezy Petes!

Way to go, Ray. Now
he's got a taste for...


Shoot it. Shoot it!

I can't!

Sweet Jesus, God, then at least

shoot out my eyes
so I don't have to see!

Oh, my God!

What is happening!



I thought that was gonna
be way more epic-firebally.


Come on, Cyril, pick one.

Either have a
stroke or spit it out.

Were you gonna say "a
taste for human flesh"?

No, I was gonna say "hat."

But now it's not funny.
Well, not as funny.

It's all your fault,
it's all your fault.

Which part, Ray?

The part where I flipped
our jeep down a cliff

about 90 goddamn times

because I got drunk
to cope with the fact

I was about to murder
us in the jungle?

It's your fault we're in this
stupid jungle in the first place!

Well, if we're gonna go
back to the beginning of time,

Mother's the one who
got us arrested for treason

and then bought a ton
of goddamn cocaine.

I thought you bought it.

LANA: Wait, what?

Up! Up! Hands off
the goods, mister!


I said that's ridiculous,

where would I get
2,000 pounds of cocaine?

But if you didn't...

Okay, so where would
Archer get that much coke?

Who knows with him?

Maybe wherever he
got that new kind of V.D.

none of the doctors
had ever seen before...

When was that?

Yeah, when was
that? Seriously, was...

Trust me, if you
had it you'd know.


I loathe knowing that I had sex

with the same person as you two.

You had sex with me!

No, I... [GASPS] Oh,
my God, that's right.

Ha! What're you laughing at?

Oh, my God, that's right.

So if you dicks want
to blame somebody

for our current
predicament, blame...

You! I blame you!
Archer! I blame you!



ARCHER: What was that, Ray?

Sorry, I genuinely
couldn't hear you!


Jesus, what is
wrong with you two?

"What's wrong"? What's wrong
is we're about to be on fire!

Do something!

Uh, no?

What? Archer!

Not until you apologize.

For what?

Ray, God damn
it, just apologize!

I... Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!

There, was that so hard? Okay.


What the hell are you...

Crocodile repellent!

What? We gotta swim for it!

On three. No, no, no.

Archer! Sorry, three.

[COUGHING] Kick, Cyril, kick!

It's okay, stupid,
I forgive you.

Forgive, yes.




Oh, God, I think I
swallowed a leech...

Well, the gas oughta kill that.

You asshole, you
could've killed us.


Well, you did
set the raft on fire.

Oh, my God, you
always take his side!

I never, ever,
ever take his side!

Blah, blah, blah.

Some joke about you two
having vaginas, come on, let's go.

Go where?

Well, long-term I
was thinking home,

short-term, I...
Here, hold this.

[GROANS] Go Herd.

Short-term, somewhere that's not

the crocodile version of
a drive-thru. [GROWLING]

Sounds good, here we go!

Uh-uh-uh. I got it.


What if I need a gun?


Here! Oh, come on.

The only limit is
your imagination.


Aw! Look, she's
almost not terrifying.

[EXHALES] Thanks, you
guys. I think the spa day

took her mind off
Archer being missing,

even if it almost got weird.

She made it weird.

No, you did.

Nobody wants an enema.

Some people... Not with yogurt.

So, you think those
guys are okay?

I don't know. I mean, if it
were anybody else I'd say no,

but this is Archer we're
talking about, so probably not.

CYRIL: Oh, for... Can
you not give it a rest?

Not until he admits
he's been half-assing

this entire cocaine
debacle from the get-go.

That's only because I thought
it was gonna be way easier.

You think everything's
gonna be easy.

It almost always is.

Aha! See, that's what I resent.

What do you resent, Ray,

my muscly shoulders
poking into your tum-tum?

I resent how you never
take anything seriously,

because you just assume
everything's gonna work out for you.

It almost always
does. Case in point.

CYRIL: What the...

RAY: God damn it.

CYRIL: Do you think those guys
are Doctors Without Borders?

Yes, Cyril, I do. I bet those
assault rifles shoot polio vaccine.

They're narcos, dummy!

And that plane's
probably loaded with coke.

Okay, here's the plan.

What? Are you crazy?

You're outta your mind!

We have to get
out of the country!

So we can either
walk out, which no,

no, we can't, or we can fly out

in an airplane full of cocaine!

Ray is paralyzed,
who's gonna fly it?

Don't... Why would you worry
about that before you need to?


Why clog your brain with a bunch of
hypothetical maybe-what-if bullshit?

Because... Shut up!
This is what we're doing!

So, Cyril, lock
and load that stick.


ARCHER: Manos arriba!


You wanna... Oh, right.


RAY: Manos...


Wait, what was it?

Arriba! God damn
it! Manos arriba!

I don't think so, gringo.

Drop your weapons! I'm serious,

I will shoot this guy
right in the... [GUNSHOT]

the hell is that?



Suppressing fire!

Okay, okay. Ow!

God damn it, Cyril!


Oh, geez. Oh, geez. Oh, geez.


That's why I wanted
you to be stick.


Yeah, come on,
it's been a long day.

Do you have any idea who we are?

Nope. Do you know who we are?



Then blow me.

Cyril, make sure
it's good and tight.


Why are we not still
doing "phrasing"?

Why are we still
not worrying about

who's gonna fly the damn plane?

Oh. Right.




[SIGHS] You are kidding!

Okay, Ray, ballpark,
how long will it take you

to teach me how to fly a plane?

How long?

I flew the space shuttle...

Cyril, hush, big
guys. Ray, how long...

How long will it
take you, Archer,

to admit you dick around
every time we're in danger

just to screw with everybody,
because of your complete...

No, your utter contempt
for your own mortality!

I mean, yeah! Duh.

All I wanted.

[GASPS] What. You
could walk this whole time?


ARCHER: No, Cyril,
of course I'm not mad...

I think what Ray
did was awesome.

Okay. Well, then
you are an idiot.

Your words.

Which, I guess, so am I,

since I just realized
we can't land anywhere

with all this cocaine on board.

Oh, my God, you guys,
where are we gonna land?

Jesus Christ, woman, calm
down! We've got five hours of fuel,

we'll worry about
that when we have to!

Guess I'm rubbing
off on you, Ray.

God damn it!

What? What?

ARCHER: Why are we
not doing "phrasing"?

WOMAN: [SINGING] Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming
Coming home to you

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming

Now I'm coming home to you