Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Archer Vice: Smugglers' Blues - full transcript

Archer forces Ray and Cyril to accompany him (and pounds/kilos of product) to Colombia on a secret mission to do business with the leader of the Cali cartel. Back at Tunt Manor, each of the ISIS gang reacts to the mission in his/her own way. Lana plays mother, Pam eats cocaine, Woodhouse perfects "GILF Cam" skills, Krieger tracks the trio via "Snacklesnaps," Cherlene sings and Malory fumes. No one is surprised when Archer's ginormous mouth gets in the way of the scheme. When the Cali leader turns out to be the sensual "La Madrina," Archer thinks he has a slam-dunk...until he finds Ray, Cyril and himself being driven to a remote Colombian prison.

LANA: Stop.

Stop it! Pam!

Give me! Give me! Give me!

God damn it, will you
calm the shit down?


Well? This isn't good practice,

my baby's not gonna
be a coke addict!


Oh, I'm sorry. What
would you like to call it?

Mmm. Cocaine enthusiast?

Is it too late to not have it?

Yes! For the jillionth
time, I want this baby, so...

Well, sure, now.

Wait until you're waist
deep in dirty diapers,

or he's up with the croup and
there's no bourbon in the house.


Then fast forward to him
knocking up the au pair,

flunking out of college,

and then single-handedly
bankrupting your drug cartel!

Wait, college?

Yeah, right?

My point is...

All babies should be drowned?

Not all babies.
Just baby people.

Don't you have a
tractor pull to headline?

Yes. No!

Aw... No more of that
bush league nonsense.

We're getting
Cherlene a record deal.

Sterling can't screw that up.

Look, I think, maybe Archer's
just been trying too hard.

Ha! I'm serious.

I mean, as sad as it is,

deep down he just
wants your approval,

and lately you've been putting
so much pressure on him.

Well, how hard is it to sell
2,000 measly pounds of cocaine?

Or whatever we're
down to now, 1,900 and...


Pam, you damn coke
fiend! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Malory, stop!

I mean, did you
used to be a man?

Pam? I don't know, did you?

Have you been stealing coke?

What? No!

You think if I had
100 pounds of coke

I'd be sitting here playing
choo-choo-spoon with a tranny?

Oh, for the... I'm pregnant!

It said, baffling
medical science.

Ah! MALORY: Enough!

But Pam, I swear to God, if
I find out you're lying to me...

I'm not! About this!

Well, then where
the hell did it go?

Oh. You were serious?

Yes! RAY: No!

Stop! Archer! Give me!

Move your... Stop
it! Ray! Let me do it!

Come on! Just for a minute! No!

God damn it! What
could go wrong?

Uh... You could crash it!

Just like you crashed
the damn space shuttle!

Oh, my God, right?
Remember that?

Ray, you remember?
You got paralyzed?

How do you not remember that?

Oh, my God, Cyril, for the...

We're not just waltzing into
Colombia with 100 pounds of cocaine.

We're sneaking
in, under the radar.

Literally, and figuratively.

Is there a name for
that? When it's both?

Like in French or something?

I meant once we get there, your
plan is to just ask around for...

La Madrina, yes, the Godmother.

I know what it means.

I hate I took Latin.

Maybe someday
you'll meet a mummy.

But what do you think
is going to happen

when three gringos waltz in

and start asking around for the
woman who runs the entire Cali cartel?

Well, again, Cyril, we
won't actually be waltzing...

You know what I mean!

I also know what I'm doing!

Yeah, showing
mommy who's a big boy!

What? Oh, you want
to see who's a big boy?


Take it back!

Cyril! Help!

Uh... Uh... Oh!


Ow! I don't know
where Archer is!

Then find him, you
bearded buffoon!

Use the surveillance satellite!

Oh. You were serious? What?

Don't ask her
that, she hates it.

ISIS had satellites.

The, whatever we are, Gang
Who Couldn't Sell Coke Straight

doesn't even have cable.

But? What about all these?

They're all aimed
inside the house.

Well, what the hell
good is that for?

I'm making about 2 grand
a month on the Gilfcam.

Ew! The what cam?

What is your...


Dear, Gilf-hound-69...

Jesus Christ.

Thanks for the
concussion, dicks.


Oh, and, just so you know,

that's exactly how
Len Koenecke died.


"Who?" Typical.

God damn it! Will you
slow the shit down?

I'm sorry, was there a question?

Because nobody made
you two come here.

I didn't put a gun
to your heads.

I mean, not literally
to your heads.

So, if you'll hide your vaginas

it's time to gather some intel.

Intel? No, do not compare what
we do now to intelligence work.

Don't worry, I won't!

Because selling cocaine
to cocaine dealers,

doesn't really
compare to helping

overthrow democratically
elected governments!

Like the US did in
Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua.

Uh... Oh! Iran!

Because, spoiler alert, those
didn't really work out so great!

But that's okay because I'm
pinning my hopes for the future

on the next big shipment
of Stinger missiles

to that ragtag bunch of
mujahedeen heroes in Afghanistan!

I... Wow.

It seems like you've actually
given this some thought.

Plus, I mean, it's not like we're
selling cocaine to little kids.

And ISIS did do
a lot of bad stuff.

He blew up an oil pipeline.

Not to mention a
bunch of people,

which, compared to that, this
is kind of a victimless crime.

If it even is a
crime. I mean, is it?

He said, sucking
at being a lawyer.

I'm actually an
excellent lawyer.

And I'm excellent
in the field, so...

Maybe in ISIS.

But on ISIS missions,
you had big dossiers

with all the information
you could possibly need.

Yeah, but I never read 'em.

What's up, pendejos?

Goddamn Latin!

Just feel like such a tourist.


What are they doing in Colombia?

I... And how did you
know where they were?

I thought you
couldn't track them!

Ray posted a Snacklesnap.

It's where you take
artsy photos of your food

and share it with people?

Snacklesnaps is awesome!

Look, here's some
cocaine pudding.

Here's some more
cocaine pudding. Ooh.

Cocaine pudding!

Why would anyone want a
picture of someone else's food?

Well, no, they don't.

Yeah. Everybody hates it.

♪ Snacklesnaps ♪

But why take
cocaine to Colombia?

I assume as a sample?

To show some cartel boss
that our product is high quality

and already in the States?

Saving them the transport cost.

But those three,
waltzing around Colombia

with millions of
dollars of cocaine!

My God, they could
already be dead!

Oh... Malory, come on, this is Archer,
okay? He can take care of himself.

Yeah, and I doubt they
were actually waltzing.

I'm sure they're totally fine.


Here's to you, Hal Needham!

Man, why bother with coke?

I just made 100,000 pesos for
jumping through a stupid window.

Yeah, that's about $50.

Still, though.

You look for The Godmother?

Yes, for a very lucrative
business proposition.

Do you know her, or...

No. But I can make a phone
call and someone will come.

Until then, just keep
drinking your guaro, huh.

About 15 steps ahead of you.

Hmm? See what I did there?

Overdosed on liquid snake?

Made a connection,
Cyril. I gained his trust.

Oh, my God! Although
now that you mention it,

I think I actually may have...

Oh, God!

Snake poisoning.

Dammit, Archer! I
told you! What's that?

I can't hear you over the sound
of, "I have snake poisoning!"

Well, it's your own
fault. What the...

What are you... Shh!

Shut up! I think I heard a
troop truck pull up out front!

It's the army!

Shit. It's not the army,
we're not that lucky.

They're paramilitarios.

But, what are they...

Hey! What are you doing?

Waiting for you,
and to be honest,

having second thoughts about it.

Serious shit, come on!

Okay, Ray... Who are
these paramilitarios?

Either heroic vigilantes
trying to restore law and order

because the cops can't or won't.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Or right wing terrorists with a
boner for kidnapping and murder.

That does. Moot
point though, really,

if you're an American
down here selling cocaine.

I can't believe that
guy ratted us out.

Yeah, and after you
made a connection?

Now? Really? Well?

Shut up.

Ray, hug the shadows, get to
the Land Cruiser and be ready.

Don't turn it on. Do not
touch the brake pedal.

Cyril, I'm gonna
take out the guard,

you're going to take
the truck's distributor cap.

Got it? Uh...

Okay! Go, go, go!


Look, I realize this is
somewhat my fault Cyril.

We can talk about it later.

So, funny story...

So, hey... Sorry
in advance for this.

Cyril! Did you get it?

Yes! Then come on!

Hit it!


I'm coming as fast as I can!

Guys, we really
need to talk about

getting phrasing
back in rotation.

Hammer down!

Oh, I'm sorry, Ray.

By hammer I meant accelerator.

It's floored! And
it's overheating!

Well, then stop, you idiot!

I am not the idiot who packed the
engine compartment full of cocaine!

Oh, right. We
should get that out.

Good idea.

That'll give us something to do

while we sit here and wait for
those guys to drive up and murder us.

Ray, they're not
driving anywhere

without a distributor cap, so...

Cyril, may I see
the distributor cap?


Man, Cyril, you had me worried.

I did?

Yeah, see, I always worried I would
die without knowing how it felt to

get my throat slashed

and my tongue yanked
out through the gaping hole.

Are we seriously
done with phrasing?

I mean not right
then, necessarily,

although tongue and gaping
hole were kind of begging for it.

Gaping hole, begging for it...


Drop your weapon!

Drop your weapons!


Are you crazy? They'll kill us!

Will you shut up? I know
what I'm doing, Cyril.

It's all about machismo!

Last chance! Okay.

What in the...

I told you. All about
the machismo!



Archer! What?


Is that the army?

I don't think so.

One guy's wearing a t-shirt
from a Phi Mu Fun Run.

We called 'em Phi Moo.

Well, then who the hell is it?

And I think you have
been looking for me, no?

Only my whole life.

God damn it.

And you, guapo, you follow me.

Oh. Yeah, uh, about that...

So, I have a question.

Since we're now essentially
captives of the Cali cartel

and being dragged off to
God knows what terrible fate,

why the hell are you smiling?

A, we're not their captives,

we're about to be
their business partners.

B, I bet there's a pretty decent
chance La Madrina owns a tiger.

And, C, guapo means handsome.

It's your mother. What?

Give me that.

"Putting pressure on him"?

If anything I've been too lax,

but, please, let me benefit

from your vast experience
as a mother, and...


Hello, Ray? Put
Sterling on the...

Damn it, Archer! Give
it... ARCHER: Give it! Yes!

Ray... I'm serious.

I'm serious. Archer, cut it out!

Give it! Damn it, give it here!


The voice mailbox of...

is full. Goodbye.

If you're satisfied with your
voicemail greeting, press one.

How did you...

Remember that
day I took your falafel

and you were
chasing me all around

the living room in
your wheelchair?

Yes. Yeah, so I recorded that,

added some sound
effects, mixed it,

called my phone and
left it as a message,

stole your phone, got
into the voicemail settings,

called your phone
from a landline

and played the
message from my phone,

then put your phone back.

Which I think is why it sounds a
little compressed, but whatever.

Shut up, we're
here. And remember,

I got dibs on the tiger.

Well, I have to
admit, Mr. Archer,

your proposal is
very surprising.

Not as surprising
as somebody named

The Godmother looking like you.

Really. And what
were you expecting?

I guess like a
Mexican Mrs. Garrett?

Or Colombian, or whatever, I...

You talk almost too much.

But you have
aroused my curiosity.

Just your curiosity?


But first business
then pleasure.

Oh, boy.

Javier. Si, Madrina?

If it is as pure as you say, and
you have as much as you say...

Oh, my God, we've got
something, like, 900,000 kilos.

Wait, no, that's grams, so...

So 900 kilos.

However many are in a shit-ton.

A toast then. To new friends.

Just friends?


So, shall we have sex?


How is it noon?

And where the heck is Archer?

I assume bothering a tiger.

Oh, God.


Oh, my God.

Aw... Are you sure?

I was sure three hours ago. And
back then I could still feel my legs.

Are you sure you cannot
make love to me just once more?

Not without a blood
transfusion, no.

Very well. ARCHER: Ow!

Which is why you
don't bother tigers.

Then you may call me

Coronel Ana Maria Delgado,
de la Policia Nacional!


I am, how you say, deep cover.

Wait, no! No, no, no.

At least let me
take some churros!

As if American demand for
cocaine wasn't already destroying us,

now you even try to
smuggle it into my country?

You make me sick!

Then why'd you have sex with me?

How dare he do that? How
could this have happened?

So, I get that you're mad,

but they are in pretty
dangerous territory...

and Ray always answers
his phone in the field.

So I'm actually worried.

Well, if you're so worried

why don't you go down
there and rescue him?

I... Please?

Go find my son and
bring him home to me.

And I didn't even
get to meet her tiger.

If she even had a tiger.

Plus at this rate we're
going to run out of coke, huh?

Now there's a moot point.

Since we're being
trucked off to La Culebra,

the most notorious
prison in South America.

Notorious, Cyril, please,
I was in the Lubyanka.

Well, were you sent
there by an undercover cop

who knows she'll be murdered if
anyone finds out she's La Madrina?

No, idiot, I was... Oh.

Yeah. So how long do you
think we're going to last in prison?


If we even make it to prison!

Am I right, fellas?
Fellas, am I right?

Guys, if we get out of this,

the first thing I'm going
to do, I swear to God...

If you say buy a tiger

we will beat you to death
with your own shoes.