Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Archer Vice: Southbound and Down - full transcript

Krieger may have created a monster with his brain chip; but he does restore Ray's ability to walk...when Ray is sufficiently grateful. The "quite-soon-to-be number one country singer in America" Cherlene, gets a gig on Travis County Limits. But, "Cherlene don't fly" and since they only have 36 hours to get to Texas, Archer knows how to go old-school, "Smokey and the Bandit" style. Archer and Pam (a.k.a. Snowball) take the blocker car; Cyril drives the Cherlene bus with the songbird, Lana and Malory. Who knew there was a bunch of contraband aboard?

specs are all in the green.

So let me just
reboot the CPU and...

Beep-boop. You are
no longer a cripple.

One, two, three. Well?

Well? Well, you could've done this
weeks ago, so it's about goddamn time!

Ooh! Hang on a sec.


Yeah, touchy thing,
bionics. You were saying?

Thank you.

No, what were you
saying like you meant it?

Thank you, Krieger, for once again
giving me the precious gift of legs.

You're welcome.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to
remove my underwear with a blowtorch.

Ha! Perfect, this is
absolutely perfect!


Ow! Come on!

Seriously, thanks
for the deaf baby.

Oh, shut up...


Goddamn, woman, inside voice!

How would you, my
little country songbird,

like to be on Travis
County Limits?

Ooh! Is that like
Austin City Limits?

It's comparable, hush.


I don't know. I guess.

You would be wonderful,

and it would be wonderful
publicity, and wonderful!

[GROANS] All right, when is it?

It tapes tomorrow night,
but we should leave today.

I don't want you flying the
same day you're performing.

Oh, don't worry about that
because Cherlene don't fly.

Airplane air is so dry, plus you're
breathing in God knows what

those tuberculars in
coach are. Excuse me?

I don't fly.

But I've seen you fly!

Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly.

In a helicopter,
the space shuttle.

PAM: Cyril choke-banged
you on a blimp?

Oh, come on, we
were all thinking it!

What, how are you
all so goddamn loud?

Could you not find a punch bowl?

It was too heavy.





And also too spilly.

Now, what's with
all the yelling?

I booked Cherlene on
Travis County Limits...

Is that like...

It's comparable!

But it's tomorrow night
and she refuses to fly!

Wait, really? So you've only
got 24 hours to drive to Texas?

Well, 36, but...

But after we get a bus

and a blocker car,
it'll be 24, right?


Oh, God, no.


Archer? Lana!

Sterling! What are
you talking about?

Smokey and the Goddamn Bandit.


♪ We're going
eastbound and down ♪

I will never understand
his idiotic fascination

with all this Burt Reynolds,
Smokey trucker nonsense.

I think part of it is
because you didn't

get him that C.B.
McHaul toy truck

he wanted for his birthday.

He was 30!


LANA: And words fail me.

I have no words.

How about 10-goddamn-four?

How about how
much did this cost?

How about a Jacuzzi,
bitches? Whoo!

You know what they say, you
can't put a price on free advertising.

No, they don't,
and free this isn't!


How much are they
paying Cherlene?

It's public television,
they don't pay anything!

All they do is suck money
in! They take our taxes...

Or donations, or whatever.

Of pre-tax dollars!

From pot-taking
Bolshevik lesbian couples!

Then PBS mixes it all in
with their huge NEA grants,

launders it in inner-city methadone
clinics, and pumps it right back out

to pro-abortion super PACs!

Still no words.


And, wow, maybe I have aphasia.

Where do you think you're going?

She's driving the bus,

Mother, get on the bus.
Lana, you're riding with me.

In what?


In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril
didn't just break the stupid axle.

The what? Okay, first of all...

How much did that cost?

Well, again, it's
advertising, so...

For what?

Hmm. I guess Pontiac?

God. And where are you going?

Well, speaking for the tiny,
delicate life blossoming inside me,

nowhere in a car with
T-tops and a four-barrel.

Who's going to do
snappy dialogue with me,

underscored by
sexual attraction?

I'm so angry right
now I can't even...


Oh, God damn it!
Did you fart in that?


LANA: Damn it, Cyril, slow down!

MALORY: Cyril, do
nothing of the sort!

Because if we miss that taping,

I won't be responsible
for my actions.

Are you ever?

She said, single and pregnant.

Oh, wait.

Can you two please
go anywhere else?

It's bad enough I have
to drive 24 hours straight.

Well, Krieger said he needed
Ray's help on some sort of project.

This quit being
funny two hours ago!

It's not supposed to be funny!

So shut up and
drive the damn bus!

Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about
Cherlene getting a record deal.

Right, and your 10% of it.

Or 50, or whatever.

What? Fifty? Really?

Who're you, Colonel Mom Parker?

Nothing? Meh.

And not that I care what any
of you think about anything,

but I lost everything
when the feds took ISIS,

and Ron took
what little I had left,

so now I need to
make it back somehow!

And I'm not doing that selling
cocaine, thanks to Sterling,

who, unbelievably, is even
worse at this than at spying!

Hey, so... [GASPING]

Yeah, hi, I think
maybe somebody's

holding down the
talk-button thingy?

Oh! Sorry, Archer.

Exactly the opposite
of how it works.

What? Oh! Sorry, Archer.

[SIGHS] Ten-four, good buddy.


Well, he can't hear
you now, I... Ow!


Whose ring is that, the pope's?


Shut up. Seriously, though.

I'm sorry you
heard her say that,

that's gotta be a real knee
to the old emotional nut sack.

Well, I guess it would be, if A, I
weren't the world's greatest spy.

Eh... Shut up, and B,

if they weren't sitting
on 100 pounds of coke!


Affirmatory, good buddy!

Holy dickburn!
So you got a buyer

lined up in Texas
and everything?

Well, not exactly, or at all, but Pam,
come on, we're talking about Texas.

Somebody somewhere wants
enough cocaine to forget they live there.

Yeah, but not 100 pounds.

Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire
town that wants to commit suicide.

Wonder if there's a
state-wide database

of towns with sucky
high school football teams

cross-indexed with towns a
black person just moved to.

Jesus, Pam, I was kidding.

Me too, lickbag.

Well, but see if there is
one, just for shits and giggles.

So, hey, speaking of...

The hat fart was
technically a shart?


How are you still single?




LANA: Cyril! CYRIL: What?

God damn it! I'm sorry!

What the hell is
going on up here?

I must've dozed off!

Really? You don't
just hate signs?

No, Lana, I don't... Ow!

In addition to sushi,
booze and soft cheeses,

I'm also supposed to
abstain from bus crashes.

So stay awake.

I'm trying, but 18 hours?

I don't know how Pam's doing it.


PAM: Whoo!


[SCREAMS] What the...

Hey, sleepyhead!
Welcome to Texas! Already?

What the shit, Pam?

That's how we do
backseat drivers.

I was driving!

Yeah, and sucking at it.

God damn it. How long was I out?

Like 12 hours.

Five states, a dozen
cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops.

MAN: [OVER RADIO] Breaker, breaker,
you got your ears on, Snowball? Come back.

Hang on. Your
handle is Snowball?

Like Jerry Reed's character
in the Smokey-verse?


Oh. Is it from the cupcakes?

Cupcakes? [CHUCKLES]

No. Then what's it...

Truck stops are crazy awesome!

This is Snowball, good buddy!

Might want to check
your six, Snowball.

Ew. Is that about the shart?

What? No, lickbag!

It was a reasonable assumption.

What the...

Looks like you got a chain
gang knocking on your back door.

Bikers? What the
hell do they want?

I think they want
us to pull over!

Obviously, you idiot!

But why? CHERYL: Kidnapping!

It's a kidnapping, it's a
kidnapping, to kidnap me, Cherlene!

Why would bikers
want to kidnap you?

Why would anyone?

Yeah, you're not even famous.


Duh. Neither was Frank
Sinatra Jr. Now pull over!

We are not...

Hey, Treebeard!
Take me with you!

You can do unspeakable
things to and/or on me!

You're not getting kidnapped
just to boost your singing career!

Well, now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Did you tell anybody we were
hauling a shitload of coke?




Or definitely, or whatever.

God damn it, Pam!

I wanted people to like me!

People who like you
because you have cocaine

aren't people you
want as friends, Pam.

And not to sound elitist, but
neither are people who need

a roll of quarters
to take a shower!

It's not just a shower, it's more
communal, like a Japanese onsen, or...

Wow! I didn't think
it was possible,

but I somehow just
got even angrier!

What the heck
are you looking for?

LANA: Gun!

Gun, gun, gun,
gun, Cyril, look out!



PAM: They're shooting at them!

And I'd love nothing more
than to shoot back, Pam,

but somehow I can't find my gun!


For the love of
God, just pull over!

Uh, okay!

Cyril, do not stop this bus!


Let's just give them Cherlene, that
is the very definition of a win-win!

Yes! No!

Why do you always
ruin everything for me?

Why do you always never shut up?

ARCHER: Because
where the hell is my gun?

Are you, like, sure
you brought it?



Oh, shut up. Seriously.


ARCHER: Where's my gun, Pam?

What, did you spit it in
some trucker's mouth, too?

Okay, so, apparently a big thing at
truck stops is a game called craps.

And apparently
I'm not good at it.


CYRIL: Lana, Lana, Lana!

Thank you, Cyril.
I have eyeballs!


[LAUGHS] Yeah, bitch,
that's how I roll, shit!


Because even a
goddamn baby knows

in craps you never bet
on the hard way. Ow!


Shit! Shit!


You mad?

Give you three guesses, Pam.


No? No?

Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm
not as mad as Mother's going to be

when I tell her this
was all your fault!

Come on, Archer, don't do that!

That's not what good buddies do.

Okay, first of all, you have
wildly misjudged our relationship!

LANA: Archer!


Yeah, you're one to talk.

And you're lucky I
don't have my gun!

And just why the hell don't you?

Yeah, tell them
why that is, Pam!

Oh, come on, please?


I didn't think I would need it.

[GASPS] You didn't think?

Well, it's a good damn thing
I ain't paying you to think!

Yeah, you're not
actually pay... Ow!

The quite-soon-to-be-number-one
country singer in America?

And you don't think
I'm a kidnapping risk?

Wait, you do?

Yeah, I'm with Archer, I think those
bikers just wanted to rob us, or...

What? I mean, that's just
absolutely crazy, we have nothing!

Well, I would like
to revisit this whole

kidnapping idea when
we have more time,

but she still has a show in
two hours and we've still got...

I think about 100 miles.

And one extremely flat tire, so.


Fix it! I will be
on my tour bus,

putting whiskey
and glue inside me.

You heard her. Fix it.

Yeah, you guys chill on the bus,

I'll help lickbag
here change the tire.

Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop,
chop, get the lead out, lickbag!

[SIGHS] And what's
with the "lickbag" stuff?

It's your CB handle!

I told it to everybody from here
to Kentucky! [CLICKS TONGUE]

Good buddy.



Okay, that's got it.

Well, it took you long enough.

Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes
start to finish, what an incompetent boob.

Your words. You know...

Can we freaking go already?

Yeah, what you
waiting for, lickbag?






think we may have a problem.

Yeah, no shit.

I keep waiting for her to
have a heart attack, but...

Not Pam. Yay!

The cops.


ARCHER: Oh, shit!

Yeah, I'm going to
pull over... No! No!

Curtain is in 10 minutes!

What do you want me
to do, run from the cops?

I want you to take
that exit for the venue!

Let Sterling deal with this
in that ridiculous blocker car.

Yeah, good, you
guys get outta here,

we'll lure them away
and outrun them!

In this shit-heap? Are you nuts?

Are you?

You want them to get pulled
over with 50 pounds of cocaine?

What? What?

Or kilos, or whatever.

You put 50 kilos of cocaine on
this bus without my permission?


You have to press
the button. The what?

You dated Burt Reynolds!

PAM: They don't have
the coke, lickbag! We do!

Right here in the Trans Am!

Well, then, problem solved.

ARCHER: So, I have a question.

I switched the coke in Little
Rock, 'cause I was worried that...

That because of your
fat blabbering mouth,

Lana would get caught with it

and have to have
her baby in prison?

Or because you were
low on cupcakes?

Does the why really matter?

♪ Eastbound and down
Loaded up and trucking

♪ We gonna do what
they say can't be done!

♪ We got a long way to go
And a short time to get there ♪


Check it out, lickbag,
Cherlene wrote a song about us!

What... She didn't write a...
That's from Smokey and the...

God damn it!


What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?

Now both of our
cars are messed up!

I just leveled
the playing field!

Oh, my God, I
can't feel my face!

Gee, Pam, I wonder if
that's got anything to do

with your cocaine-only diet!

Well? It's a small
price to pay for beauty!

Damn it!

Man, and here you are without
your gun, that's pretty ironic, huh?

No, Pam, once
again you're confusing

the word "ironic"
with "You are an idiot!"

What's ironic is that every other
store we drive by is a gun shop!

Oh. Okay, so then what's satire?

Nobody really knows!

Hang on!

And then back up a second, you're
endangering your life for beauty?

Yes, duh!

Look, how hot am I now?
Let me answer that for you!

As balls!

That's why everybody
likes me now!

Who, your trucker buddies? They only
like you because you have coke, Pam.

Well, and the snowballs, but...

And for what it's worth, we all
kind of liked you the way you were!


Well, we hated you less.

You kind of turned into
a ginormous asshole.

Yeah, with
ginormous big tittays.

For... Pam, who cares?

That's just subcutaneous
adipose tissue!

Albeit a shitload of it.

But I can't bang you if
you die from an overdose!

Aw! You wanna bang me?

Obviously! I mean, look
at those big bastards!

Sucks we're gonna
go to prison, though.

Prison? But it's
my first offense!

Well, except for treason.

But explain all that to
the Brazos County judge,

and maybe he'll...

Wait a minute, we're
in Travis County!

Why does their car
say "Brazos County"?

Give you three guesses!

Crooked cops? Yes!

Hang on! I still got two...

Pam, get the coke!

Yeah! Holy coke-snacks,
enable the shit out of me!

Not to snort, you idiot!

Well, I don't wanna shoot it, that
seems like a pretty slippery slope!

Pam, any cocaine
is a slippery slope!

It's the world's
most addictive drug!

Hang on, I heard
it was nicotine.

It may very well be, Pam!

But in our current situation, I would
argue that cocaine is more dangerous,

because we're about
to get murdered for it!

Yeah, but not
overall, is what I'm...


They don't want us, they
just want the coke, so throw it!

Out! Of the car?


Jeez, okay!

But you're gonna owe me!

What could I possibly owe you?

I believe there was some
mention of bone-throwing?

Okay, yeah, that
seems like a win-win.



Thank you!

Good night, Travis County!
There will be no encore! Whoo!

Wait, what?

Outlaw country!

No, no, no, you don't
walk off after one song.

You get back out there this
instant. What are you doing?

Uh, it's called
cultivating mystique.


It's also called sniffing a shit-ton
of glue in my tour bus hot tub

because I personify
outlaw country.

The... Outlaw country! Whoo!

Howdy, Tony Foti,
Stringer Records,

and I wanna make
that little gal famous!

Are you her manager, Mrs...

Oh, no, it's actually Ms.

It's actually Mrs.

Will you put a...

It genuinely does not matter.

But gimme a call when y'all are
ready to make some gold records.

Yee-haw! Ooh!

Well, that went
better than expected.

Yeah, maybe you can use the gold
records to pay Archer and Pam's bail.

I actually don't think you can.

Plus, there's no need.

LANA: Wait, what? Sterling!

Yeah, no, everything is totally
fine now, and we totally got away.

So, all set. Yes, but how?

The police were
right behind you.

Which is right
where I wanted them,

so I could go old-school Bandit.

With an inverted triple Needham.

Well, it was your own fault for
bringing cocaine without asking,

but I suppose all's
well that ends well.

Well, except for... Pam?

All's well that ends well.

Oh. Right.

But what about the 100 pounds of
coke you dumped on the highway?

What? Pam!

MAN: Looks like old
Snowball done it again!