Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Archer Vice: On the Carpet - full transcript

The trio finds an airstrip and plane, loaded with guns, and new letters of the alphabet to worry them: C, I & A. Back at Tunt Manor, Cherlene poses for an album cover in Daisy Dukes and a smile; but Lana has issues with her idea of red, white and blue "pasties." Lana concedes she does not understand art. Later, the trio debriefs with the team at Tunt Manor and tries to piece together information provided by Agent Slater (rocking his iconic Cuong's t-shirt) and Malory draws some conclusions. Does Malory seem to have a lot of crucial information the others do not have?





If I see this glass empty again,

I will be very unhappy.

Perish the thought, mum.

Now then.

Who'd like to go first?



All right, then I will.

Idiots! [EXCLAIMS]

Thank you, dear.

For a moment there, I thought
I was going to be unhappy.

Now then.

Who's next?


ARCHER: Okay, so, uh...

I guess I'll go, if...

If I can just stop you there.

Will you please cover yourself!

With what, I don't have any...


There. Happy?

No! I didn't mean
with whipped cream.

It's actually whipped
cocaine, so...

[SIGHS] That explains
where some of it went.

Mmm. And the tingly
numbness of my nipples.

MALORY: And why are
you dressed like the whore

the rest of the trailer park

finally decided they
had to stone to death?

Duh! We were shooting
my album cover.

Yes! Good, yes, that is perfect!

Perfect for what?

Come on, it's an album
cover, not an Amish bible.

Ya gotta sex that
shit up sexy. Um...

I think it's pretty sexy.

PAM: You think that's sexy?

With the rocket
pops outside of you?

I mean...

But if she eats them, we
lose the whole red, white and...


Yeah, not talking
about eatin' em.

Wait, what are you...

You want me to put a
rocket pop in my vagina?

Well, for starters. [GASPS]

But let's not rule anything out,

you know, let's see
where that leads.

We've got a shitload of film.

I'm supposed to
have film in this?

God damn it! Krieger!

So, I have a question.

The butthole,
Lana, is what I was...

Yeah, I got that.

But do you think the
cover for a country album

should be hardcore?

What do you even
call that, food porn?

I do.

You think it makes a
good country album cover,

or you call it food porn?

Yes. Are you...


These things are freezing.

Film, film, film, film,
film! [SCREAMS]

Quit putting rocket
pops in your ass!

I'm eating them!

Jesus, what is wrong with you?

I guess I just don't get art.

You obviously don't.

And it's not that we
don't appreciate criticism?

It just needs to
be constructive.

Yeah, Lana. MALORY: Shut up.

And then tell me what happened
to the hundred pounds of...

Kilos. Kilos.

Kilos, thank you, shut up,

of cocaine that you
took to Colombia.


Lana, when I want you to talk,

I will tell you. And
until then, zip it. Wha...

What did I do? Nothing!

Yeah, Lana.

Which is why
these feckless idiots

lost 200 kilos of cocaine!

Yeah, La... Oh!

Okay, technically, but
then we stole a plane

loaded with, like,
twice as much cocaine.

Is this the part
where you tell me

to look under my seat?

No, unfortunately,
we ran into some...

ARCHER: Assholishness.


RAY: Archer, I swear to God!

I will crash this plane right
into the goddamn ocean!

I'll take my chances
with the ocean!

The ocean isn't
full of alligators.

And do not even
think about it, Cyril.

Ray, what do I do?

Uh, I guess hang on.



Sorry, Cyril.


Oh, shut up, it's
your own fault.

It's debatable. No, it's...

Shut up, come on, Ray, there
has to be somewhere to land

besides the middle of
the damn Everglades.

Well, not within
fuel range, so...

And whose fault is that?

Isaac goddamn Newton!

You see that airstrip,
the one that's circled?

That's the only one in range,

and we've only barely got
enough fuel to make it there...

Miami's right over here.

We can't land at a real airport.

Even if Ray had
filed a flight plan...

Why didn't you file
a flight plan? Wha...

That's like Airplane Stuff 101.

Not when the airplane is stolen

and crammed full
of guns and cocaine!


I will concede that point.


What's up? What's going on?

RAY: Burning too
much fuel. We're heavy.

What do you mean, "heavy"?

You said we had
enough fuel to...

I said barely!

I bet the Colombians didn't
count on three passengers!

Oh, my God, we're gonna crash.

Cyril, do not
panic. Just get out.

What? Do the right thing, Cyril.

You have nothing to live for.

Get your hands off me.

Okay, relax, Jesus.

What ever happened
to Team Archer?

Please tell me that was
never a real thing to you.

Eh... I mean...

Hello! Time's a
bit of a factor here!

Cyril, for the love
of God, man, jump!

Just throw out the cocaine.

What? No!

I'm not telling Mother I lost
the original hundred pounds of...

Kilos! Kilos!

Whatever unit of
measurement, of cocaine.

Plus all this cocaine.

Do you have any idea
how mad she'd be?

Well, the alternative
is a belly landing

in a swamp filled
with alligators.

No, no, no. What if, um...

Archer! Alligators
or your mother!

What's the difference?

They're both cold-blooded
prehistoric monsters.


Excuse me?

I meant the pain of
disappointing you would bite.


Uh-huh. Anyway,
right about then...

RAY: Okay, I can
see the airstrip.

Oh, can we make
it? Maybe, if you...

Wait! Ray, you said the
Colombians were flying to this airstrip?

Yes! Why do you think it's
marked on the chart, you idiot?

Okay well, let's circle
back to who's an idiot

and talk about who's
probably waiting at this airstrip.

[GASPS] Dukes.

And what their reaction will be

to three total strangers

showing up in their
plane without their coke.

They'll kill us.

Well, maybe not.

Why maybe not? Wait, why?



Because that.


And that.


What, like, in general, or...

Ooh! This is exciting.
I hope everyone dies.

Uh, we obviously didn't...


Hardy har, Mother.

MALORY: And so our
heroes, such as they are,

have run out of
fuel and... What?

RAY: No, no, no!
What are you doing?

Throwing out the guns.

RAY: No, no, no, no!

You're screwing
the trim all to hell.

no-phrasing thing is killing me.

Best case, our glide
ratio is maybe ten-to-one!

But it's a lot less with the damn
door hanging... [COCKING GUN]

No, no, no!


Whoa, whoa. Whoa! [THUDDING]

You idiots!

What did I do?

Don't, there's no talking to
him when he gets like this.

RAY: Dump the damn guns.

Uh, I am, if you'd shut up.

Wait, wait, wait, Cyril.

What, Archer?

RAY: We're coming
in! Brace for landing!

Tell ya in a minute.

RAY: Gear down!


[GRUNTING] We're not gonna

Exciting, isn't it?

CYRIL: Wha...

Wha... Whoa!


ARCHER: Oh. So Cyril...

What I was gonna say was...

Maybe don't throw
out all the guns.

Because you know what they say.

It's better to have a
gun and not need it

than to be the world's
biggest dickhead,

and inside your head,
there's a million more dicks,

like, uh, if you cut
open a golf ball,

only instead of those
little rubber bands in there,

it's just, you know...


Oh. So you have heard that?

And so Gillette lands safely,

I'm sure there's a joke
in there about fairy dust,

and then what happens?

[LAUGHING] Yeah, tell
her what happens next.

I will if you shut your mouth.

Okay, listen up.
Say what you will

about my skills
as a drug kingpin.

Completely nonexistent.
You don't have any.

Are you done?

Yes. Yes.

Good, because if there's
one thing I'm good at,

out of the million
other things I'm good at,

it's infiltrating the enemy
with an assumed identity.

Named Randy.

Named shut up, it's
not always Randy.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God. Always.


That's because Randy's awesome.

And I'm the best
in the world at this,

so shut up and follow my lead.

Hey, guys... Oh! [GUNSHOT]


Anybody else in there?



Sterling, how are you not dead?

Because I didn't get shot with
buckshot, I got beanbagged.


Beanbagged, Pam.


CHERYL: Awesome. Oh, my God!

Yeah, I could've died.

Pfft. It was a beanbag.

Medical fact, Cyril.

If you get hit in the
chest between heartbeats,

you can die.

Go ask Houdini.

[LAUGHS] Ask him
what, how to get AIDS?

[SIGHS] So who were these goons?

They were... They
kinda looked ex-military,

now that you mention it.

American. Yeah,

and the leader's name was...

Slater. Just call me Slater.

And sorry about the beanbag.

Man, that must kill.

Yeah, you hear "beanbag,"

you think Beanie Baby,
not internal bleeding.

Well, the door was shot off and
we didn't know who you were.

Still don't, I guess,
formally, uh...

Uh, Rando.


Yep. Rando...

No, that's it. It's a mononym.

Like Cher.

Pliny. Cantinflas!

I know what mononym means.

What I don't know is
who you people are.

Uh, I'm Rando, I think
we covered that fairly well,

and these are the, uh,
McCracken brothers,

Phil and Odie.

Hello. Odie, hush!

So why do you guys
have my cocaine?

We... I'm not done.

Sorry. What have
you done with Gomez...

What, you're just
not gonna answer?

Oh! Sorry,

you trailed off like
there was a third...

Why do you have my cocaine

and where the hell is
Gomez, full goddamn stop!

Gomez was gonna steal it.

Says who?

[LAUGHS] "Who." Nice.

Anyway, they called
us in to address that.

Which we did, and
now we're here, and...

Full stop?

Okay, this is the last
of it. The weight's good,

we tested ten of the
bricks, looks like it's all here.

Well, either you guys are the
shittiest coke thieves on the planet...

[LAUGHS] Which we are not.

You know, if that was...

I mean, if we put
our minds to it...

Look, here's the thing about
the McCracken brothers.

Odie, hush! You were saying?

Hey, between you and me,

I thought Gomez was
hinky from the get-go.

And since the coke's all
here, let's get you fellas loaded.

Yeah, now you're talking.

About something else.

Entirely. Apparently.

[LAUGHS] What,

did you nerf-nuts think I was
talking about getting drunk?

Uh. Yeah, on money.


Oh, man, classic Rando.

And don't worry, Calderon's
good for the money.

At least for now,
am I right fellas?

Are you? [LAUGHS]

Classic Rando.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, Rando's awesome.

So, obviously you're
not gonna be able

to pressurize this baby, so...

I'll keep it under 8,000.

Still gonna freeze
your asses off.

Good thing you're
flying south, huh?

Mmm, yep.

You do know where
you're going, right?

I absolutely know
where we're going.

Yeah, back home, to
ask Mommy what to do.

Hey, shut up!

You shut up! Aah!


Ma, they done killed old Rando!

So you leave here

with a bunch of the
first load of cocaine,

which just mysteriously
appeared at ISIS

and that Malory
swears wasn't hers...

Because it most
certainly was not.

Wait, then where
did it come from?

Obviously from Sterling.
Obviously from Mother.

No, not from me!
No, not from me!

Well, I certainly...
Well, I certainly...


Sorry to break that up.

I love Freaky Friday
as much as the next gal,

but let's just press on,
operating under the assumption

that one, or more likely
both, of you are lying, and...

Lana, I swear...
Lana, I swear...

[WHISTLES] Pressing on.

So then you stumble into another
bunch of cocaine in the jungle,

and then continue stumbling

into a beanbagging arms dealer.

So that now,
almost inexplicably,

we have enough
weapons to invade Quebec.

Wait, literally?

No Krieger, not literally.

[GROANS] Lame.

Well, if we ever do,

the best time to invade
is right after brunch,

when they're all logy.


I dunno, it
couldn't hurt, but...

Still talking about this.
Not invading Quebec.

Oh. Yeah, then they loaded
the plane with the weapons,

said we were heading south

and that Calderon would pay us.

Calderon? [GASPS]
As in Gustavo Calderon?


Should I know who that is?

How could you not?

I dunno, Cyril.

Maybe I was busy saving your
life once, and then you shot me.

Gustavo Calderon, aka Baby Gus,

is the president of San Marcos.


Should I know...

Oh, for God's sake, Sterling,
it's a country. In Central America.

Mmm, not according to this.

Because that thing's
a hundred years old.

It still says
German East Africa.

We will never
recognize Tanganyika.

Well, it's Tanzania now, so...

[GROANS] Lame.

Well, whatever, as long as they
don't nationalize the ivory trade.

I don't think my
portfolio can take the hit.

Trust me, San
Marcos is a country.

And it's in the
middle of a civil war.

Communist rebels are tearing
through the countryside like...

Cows. Bees. Hang on.


[SIGHS] How do you not
know about San Marcos?

It's all over the
news every night.

from San Marcos tonight,

as the Communist
rebel forces consolidate

their gains on the countryside,

and now prepare to
move on the capital.

We spoke with President
Gustavo Calderon,

seen here volunteering at the
hospital, comforting the wounded.

Oh, hello, I did
not see you there.

I was comforting this
brave young man here,

the fruit of San Marcos,

wounded by a Communist sneeper.

I think he has died. Yes.

But let me say this,
to the Communists

who are murdering
our brave young fruits,

and to their puppetmasters in
Moscow and the capital of China,

you cannot kill the
spirit of San Mar...

[GROANS] Lame. As in, who cares?

The United States.

Apparently, Calderon is
barely clinging to power.

Huh. You think this
is somehow related?


I'm kidding, obviously.

CYRIL: Are you?
No, I can't tell.

Yes, I'm kidding.

Because you wanna know what
I really think is going on here?

You're all jealous!

My album's coming out and it's
gonna be huge, and you're all jealous,

and so you just
want to ruin it for me!

Why would I want
to ruin your album?

I get 50 percent of the profits.


I dunno, maybe a little jealous,

it's an exciting time for her.

This! Still talking about this!

Oh. Right, right, right.
So what I think is...

I think you've managed
to stumble backwards

into a CIA-backed, anti-communist,
drugs-for-arms operation.

Wow! That actually
makes more sense.


No, let's just go
with her thing.

Which, if it's true, is...


I was going to say terrible.

Because you are
a timid man, Cyril.

What? No, I'm not!

Dude, your balls
are made of pussy.



All kidding aside, I maybe
should go to a hospital.

Cyril, this is an opportunity

to finally make some money.

Even if we had a
buyer for the cocaine,

do we even still
have half of it left?



It's, um, you know, not, it's...

Krieger! Tell me what's going on

or I will literally
emasculate you!

Well no, if you literally
emascu... [COUGHS]

Okay, so, for a few weeks,

I've been working on
a bit of a side project.

I give you, the Red Kriegtober!

Um... Or the Red
OctKrieger, I can't decide.

It's a narco-sub. For
transporting cocaine.

It's totally undetectable
by the Coast Guard.


How are you gonna
get it out of here? Hmm?

How does that thing
leave this room?

God! Dammit!

Oh, for the... How much money did
you waste on that little boondoggle?

Well it's not that so much as...


Well, I needed ballast,

and what better to simulate
bricks of cocaine than,

you know, bricks of cocaine.


And when I realized
it would never

feel the wind on its face

or taste the salty
spray of the sea, I...


MALORY: You what?

I blew it up!

God damn you all
to hell, I blew it up!


You mean it's all gone?

No, not all of it.




There, there.

Woodhouse dear, I
need some more ice.

Straightaway, mum.

Oh. And a small bowl, a
mirror, a needle and thread,

and a straight razor.
ARCHER: Whoa! Whoa!

You're not emasculating Krieger.

What the hell
was the mirror for?

So you could watch.




The perfect ending
to the perfect...

[LAUGHS] I almost
said "evening."

More like months,
though, isn't it?

Since we started
scrabbling for coins

because the damn
government took away our...

Everything. They
took everything.

And the only
thing that was left,

you idiots either
lost, gave away, ate,

or just blew up and sank.

Yeah, Krieger. Archer?

And so, starting
now, in addition to

the country music
business, which...


We are in the arms business.

There's still a
little cocaine left.

Krieger? Yeah, Krieger.

And do we wanna
talk about this, or...

You're welcome to.

I personally am going to
bed. It's been a long night.

Oh, yeah, why are
you all dressed up?

Well, not that it's any
of anyone's business,

but I had dinner with Ron.


Wait, you're still
getting divorced, right?

No. We have decided
to give it another chance,

and so we will be going to
marriage counseling and...


Wait, what? Huh?

Marriage counseling and
what? MALORY: Oh, for...

We've decided to
have an open marriage.

Okay. Great.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was either that or...


[GASPS] Oh, my God. It's Ron!

Hel... ARCHER: Oh, no!

And so...

Jesus. Hope he doesn't call me.

Why would he call