Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 10 - Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue - Part I - full transcript

[ALL EXCLAIMING IN ALARM]

ARCHER: God damn
it, Ray! Are you drunk?

No, dumbass! Are you?

ARCHER: No!

Although not for lack of trying.

Exactly, that's my whole point.

[RETCHING]

[COUGHING] How can you
drink rum with all this turbulence?

Oh, my God, that's
my whole point!

Enough already!

My God, are you
people paid by the word?



It's bad enough I'm packed
into this flying boxcar with you,

[ALL GASPING]

without all this
incessant bickering.

It's like I'm stuck
on a school bus.

With the worst
driver on the planet!

[MUTTERING] Why
don't you shut up?

Your own plane... What was that?

It is kind of like a school bus.

When have you
ever been on a bus?

No, from the movies.

We've got the whole
Breakfast Club in here.

I'm Emilio Estevez, Cyril's
obviously Anthony Michael Nerd,

Mother, you're Paul Gleason,

Krieger's the loose
cannon Judd Nelson,



and Lana, you're... Er, um...

Wait, seriously? Molly Ringwald.

MEN: Eh...

Oh, my God!

What the hell are
you talking about?

Mother, hush.

Lana, come on, if any of you
ISIS women is Molly Ringwald...

It's obviously Cherlene.

Totally. LANA: What?

Yeah. She's the rich
one, she's a redhead...

So what, you think
I'm Ally Sheedy?

Are you all just
saying random words?

Ally Sheedy would've
been way more

likely to get pregnant
in high school.

Had there been a sequel.

God forbid. Right?

And as for who's the hot one...

[SCOFFS] Wait what,
of us? I'm the hot one!

ALL: Eh... Oh, my God!

CHERYL: Oh, get
over yourself. ALL: Huh?

What's that from?
PAM: Will you shut up?

CHERYL: Oh, please,
she knows we're in here.

PAM: She will if
you don't shut up!

[SIGHS] Pam, I
know you're in there.

PAM: No, we're not!

But if we are, which I don't admit
to, which Breakfast Clubber am I?

Hmm, I guess the
janitor everybody thinks

is gross, but turns
out to be cool.

PAM: Aw! [CHERYL CHUCKLING]

I love that you take
that as a compliment.

[PAM FARTING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

PAM: So, can we get
out of the crate now?

MALORY: No.

But as it seems we've
arrived at a pause in the idiocy,

let's recap the plan for
when we land in San Marcos.

Yeah, because I'm curious
how we tell Calderon we turned

$6 million worth of cocaine

into $1 million
worth of weapons.

That's the CIA's problem.

Calderon doesn't care.
It's all gravy to him.

Yeah, Lana.

I was actually
wondering that myself.

All that matters is that Calderon
pays us for this shipment.

Then we use the profits
to buy more weapons,

which we sell to him
to make more profits

to buy more weapons,
blah blah blah.

[SCOFFS] Lana, for
God's sake, it's Econ 101.

Cyril, don't be shitty.

Yeah, Cyril.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Tower to unidentified aircraft.

You are now entering
restricted San Marcos airspace.

Identify yourself.

Uh, guys?

Just tell them Slater sent us.

You think that's a good idea?

Flying into a war zone,
telling them we're with the CIA?

If Slater even was CIA.

Now, he's the one
who teabagged you?

[PAM GROWLS PLAYFULLY]

Uh, beanbagged. Oh, whichever.

It's a fairly
important distinction!

Sorry, can I be a
nag for a second?

Oh, my God, Lana! I've
had only, like, eight drinks.

Okay, not that,
but wait, really?

Yeah, I've totally cut back. And
not that it's any of your beeswax,

but I've also cut
back on, you know...

On what?

Sterling, with you that could
almost literally be anything.

Anonymous sex! If
you must know! Ew!

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Beechcraft, please identify.

Guys. Really?

I've totally, relatively
cleaned up my act.

So maybe keep that in mind
when you're choosing godparents?

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

I will, Archer. I really will.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Beechcraft, identify. Guys!

God damn it! Tell
him Slater sent us!

Wait, wait, wait...

Tower, this is Beechcraft. Ray!

Uh, Slater sent us. [GROWLS]

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER:
Beechcraft, you are cleared for landing.

Thank you for
hearing my concerns.

Jesus, will you relax?

[BURPS]

[SIGHS]

What's the worst
that could happen?

Get on the ground! Get
on the ground! Hands up!

Get on the ground! Don't shoot!

Hands up!

Don't shoot! We're unarmed!

Way to go, Gilligan.

MAN: Silencio.

Who is in charge here?

Senor Presidente! I...

Not you, you
baboon-faced baboon!

I am obviously
talking to these gringos

and also, if I am here, then
you are obviously not in charge!

I...

[GUN CLICKING]

And to repeat,

who is in charge here?

That would be...

Because they are to blame for
this shipment of weapons being late!

Her, that older
woman down there,

with the more or
less permanent scowl.

Senor Presidente, it is
such an honor to meet you.

I'm Malory Archer.

Wow!

[CHUCKLING] Well,
thank you. Anyhoo... Hello?

So, the stories are true!

What stories?
I... Not... What's...

Damn it, man, I
was sleepwalking!

[ALL MURMURING IN AMAZEMENT]

[WHISPERS] Hey. What's going on?

[SIGHS] Maybe you're
their god. [GASPS]

Okay, all but him, arrest!

[ALL PROTESTING]

Without even checking
the merchandise?

Although not that particular...

[CHERYL AND PAM SCREAMING]

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

Wait! No, no, no! Don't shoot!

God damn it! Who
the hell drilled my box?

So we're just done with "phrasing,"
right? That's not a thing anymore?

[SIGHS] ARCHER: I know, right?

Cherlene! What?

ALL: Wait, what?

Yeah seriously, what?

Outlaw Country! Hoochie
Coochie Coochie Man!

Travis County Limitado!

I am your biggest fan! Please,
we go to the presidential palace!

I'm fine, too, by the way!

That's good. Great!

Please, come. Come, come, come!

So phrasing's just dead then?

What is your...

Wait, are you drunk?

[SCOFFS] Please, off 12 drinks?

Viva Cherlene! Viva Cherlene!

ALL: [CHANTING]
Cherlene! Cherlene! Cherlene!

Wait a minute, you
said eight drinks.

[LAUGHING] I lied.

I mean, yes, eight.

PAM: [LAUGHING] Holy dickballs!

I mean, I mean, I
mean, just holy...

Dickballs, yes, Pam, I got it.

Are you sure?

The room is okay?

[YAWNING] Yeah,
it's fine, whatever.

I cannot believe it is actually
you! Here! In my palace!

I mean... Yeah it's
blowin' your mind, huh?

Boom! [CHUCKLING]

Can I please bring you anything,

a freshly squeezed
juice, a cocktail,

a sandwich of your
own choosing...

Don't you, like, have a
war to go to? [SCOFFS]

It's in the mountains,
far, far away.

Where we will crush the
communist rebel dogs!

Especially now that we are
once again receiving weapons.

MALORY: Yoo-hoo!

And about that,
I was hoping that

you and I could
discuss our terms?

I... But Cherlene...

Is exhausted. As is my drink.

[SIGHS] Why do we
always have to share a room?

The sinister gay cabal, Cyril.

You have fallen victim
to the sinister gay cabal.

Okay. You know...

I don't know why we
always get stuck together.

But I kinda don't mind it.

Actually, I don't
either, now that I...

Queer!

[SNICKERING]

[SHAKING RHYTHMICALLY]

[CHANTING] Apache helicopters!

We should sell those!
Cause I'm a ropper!

[LAUGHS]

Wow, that's awful.

But so far, being an
international arms dealer is not.

I could get extremely
used to this.

Matt, Joel, hi, shut up.

Let's set up lunch with
Adnan Khashoggi? I...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[STUTTERING]

I got it.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, no. [CLATTERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

May I help you?

I'm sorry to bother you, sir.

No, you didn't,
aren't, or rather

you couldn't, or
still haven't, I...

I thought you might
need more towels.

Oh, uh...

No, I think I'm
okay for right now.

Although that being said,
it's better to be safe than sorry.

At least with regards to towels.

But only towels.

Hey, are there more towels?
Hey, are there more towels?

Hey are there more...

You realize this
isn't a hotel, right?

And even if it
were, that's not how

you would go
about getting towels!

Who're you? Princess...
Hang on. Lana?

Well played. I've got crate lag.

And where are
you going with that?

Ice machine.

Oh, hey, I could use some ice.

Oh, and if you see a housekeeping
cart, can you grab me some towels?

PAM: Yep!

You're not going to, are you?

PAM: Nope!

God damn it.

[WINCING] Cold, cold, cold...

And there, but
for the grace of...

Hey, get me a fizzy water!

[PAM FARTS AND CHUCKLES]

Thanks!

MALORY: I'm sorry?

Tanks?

For? Hmm.

Hmm.

Maybe to start?

I defer to you?

Then yes, I think to start.

Yes?

Oh, yes, please.

But soon I think more, no?

[LAUGHS] Well, I
should hope so...

Or is that not...

No, please, of course. I am
willing to do whatever it takes.

Anything.

[CHUCKLES] Well,
then that makes two of us.

Wait, really? Anything?

Yes?

Gas?

I'm sorry?

You have gas?

Wh...

No!

Oh, my God, oh, my
God, oh, my God, sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I thought
you... No! For the... No!

I misunderstood. I apologize!

And well you should!

And well I do!
Please, forgive me!

I mean...

PAM: What a frickin' clip joint.

No towels. No ice machine.

[CHERYL SCREAMS]

No towel machine?

Yeah, right?

What is this, Escape From...

Wait, are we still
in New York, or...

What? No, we're
in Central America.

[GASPS] Oh, my God.
We did it! We're free!

Do... Outlaw different
country! Whoo!

[SIGHS] Sometimes
I worry about her.

Eh...

Oh, hang on, maybe this is it.

I don't know, it looks
kinda... KRIEGER: Ugh.

Pam, they can't leave valuable
towels and ice just lying around.

Hotel profit margins
are very thin.

[GASPS]

[STUTTERING]

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL SOBBING]

[WHIMPERING]

Krieger? What'd
you, see a ghost?

Oh, my God, please say yes.

All right. Is that
happy hour I smell?

Yes. Mr. Archer, please join us.

Your mother and
I are drinking wine

that belonged to
Benjamin Franklin.

We are?

And discussing a shipment of

four American tanks.

Oh, tanks!

Thanks. Tanks?

We do tanks!

We can do anything, as
long as you're willing to pay.

Me pay?

Good, then it's settled.

If you say so, Mother.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I thought this is why the
CIA was buying my cocaine.

To sell to the
American black people,

to make the money
to buy the weapons

to give to me to
fight the comunistas.

Exactly.

Wait, what? Why
wouldn't they just...

Sterling, shut up and
let me handle this,

because the problem,
Gustavo... Oh...

I'm sorry. May I
call you Gustavo?

No.

The problem, Senor Presidente...

The problem, you
see, the problem is...

Is the White
House has lost faith

in your ability to win this war!

Ooh. And so, if you
want any more weapons,

you'll have to pay
for them in cash. Ooh.

Starting now.

No, no... But I cannot
afford to do this!

Oh, please. Look
at you, drinking

Ben Franklin's wine
like it's Kool-Aid,

surrounded by priceless art...

Not this one obviously, but...

No, this one cost 40 millions.

What? What?

Yes. It is an Ivan Blitko.

So we have, in this area,

these very geometric shapes,
and these very bold colors here,

and then the thick black
lines are coming here,

always drawing the eye to here,

and then, over
everything, just white.

Just layer after layer
after layer of pure white.

Until you can see nothing
of the painting below.

Not even with an
infrared camera.

So, what's the point?

CALDERON: The point?

What is the point of a beautiful
woman? And speaking of!

[CHUCKLING]

Hello, darling.

[GRUNTS]

My wife!

[MUFFLED GROANING]

[GULPS]

[SIGHS]

[BURPS]

MALORY: Sterling!

Where are your manners?

Probably in my room, so I should

go there right
now and find them.

No, no, no, please stay.

Mi amor, may I present
to you Sterling Archer

and also his charming
mother, Malory.

Juliana Calderon.

A pleasure to meet
you, Juliana. Oh.

I'm sorry. May I call you... No.

Uh, darling, how
was your afternoon?

Exhausting.

Hmm.

So hot and sweaty.

[NERVOUSLY] Hmm.

To be honest, I'm really
quite sore. Mmm-hmm.

You see? This is
why I disapprove.

Juliana sometimes
goes among the servants,

pretending to be a maid
or working in the laundry,

even one time helping
to carry some rocks?

Oh, how...

Inspiring, really. Hmm.

I was just showing
them the Blitko.

Do you like what
you see, Mr. Archer?

You know, so much that

I'm gonna go write
about it in my art journal!

She is going to
bring us some tanks,

so that we may
crush the rebel dogs.

Did they tell you
what is for dinner?

CYRIL: Clones? Yes, clones!

My God, it was like
looking in several mirrors!

Oh man, oh man,
oh man, oh man...

Archer! What?

Ow! [GROANS]

Hang on. Got a stitch.

Damn it, I don't
have time for...

Wait, Pam, did you
find an ice machine?

Uh-uh. Oh...

Hang on. God damn it.

Clones! What?

Krieger says... Ow! Hold on.

God damn it!

Krieger says he saw
a bunch of clones!

Of what?

Of me! We're
running to find them!

Wait, what? I thought we
were running away from them!

Hang on. Shut up.
Hold that thought.

Guys, come on. Let's go!

Not without a bunch of garlic
and some wooden stakes.

What? They're
clones, not vampires!

It doesn't matter to the stake!

What're you...
We can't kill them!

Well, not now!
We wait till morning

and then murder
them in their coffins.

Cyril? Thoughts?

I just really wish I hadn't
come on this stupid trip.

But since I did...

Thanks! You jerks.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS ECHOING]

[SIGHS]

Don't even wanna
know. ARCHER: Lana!

Lana! Oh, my God.
You gotta help me!

Oh, for the... There
is no ice machine!

Okay not that, but A, a palace this
big definitely has an ice machine.

Maybe not in the
hall, but it's not

like they make
ice with trays. B...

B is "Hey, shut up," because I
wanna talk to you about that thing

where you said you're
cleaning up your act.

Which I'm actually pretty serious
about, by the way, but right now,

I wanna talk about
this other thing

where I just banged
Calderon's wife.

Lana. Uh, hang on.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Why would you do that?

I... I'm sorry, do
you mean where?

No, Archer, I mean why!

What happened to "no
more anonymous sex"?

It wasn't anonymous, Lana!
I thought she was the maid!

Why would you think that?

I'm sorry, do you mean why?

[MUTTERS ANGRILY] Yes! Why?

Uniform, towels,
the usual maid stuff!

The... Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Back up.

What is your definition
of anonymous sex?

I don't know, bird masks! Wh...

Or a woman you literally bump
into on the train! Or the ferry!

Or in a porta-john at
the Preakness that time.

But not somebody
who works directly

for a president, I
can tell you that.

I mean, we're talking
major security clearance,

so you gotta assume there's

a pretty thorough
vetting process for that...

You know...

You done?

Hang on. Yes.

Okay. So, here's my advice.

[GRUNTS] [GROANS]

[COUGHING]

Do with it as you will.

[GROANING]

Oh!

[YAWNING] Hey, are
you going to this dinner?

[RETCHING]

Or did you already eat? Crayons.

[SIGHS] Should
we not just start?

[CLEARS THROAT] Not
until the guest of honor arrives.

Whoo-hoo! [GASPS]

Yes, yes, yes. Come, come,
come, because I am pulling out!

Phrasing, boom!
[WEAKLY] Thank you.

[GROANS] How's the balls?

Ruined, I'm pretty sure.

Okay, you sit there.

You, up.

I beg your pardon?

Get up. Come on, move it.

Up, up, up! Well, of all the...

Please, Cherlene!

Everyone, raise a glass,
and join me to toast Cherlene!

Because, and I happen
to know this for a fact,

her debut album has now
officially sold one million copies!

[SCREAMING] [ALL CHEERING]

How? It came
out like, yesterday.

Yes! Amazing! A toast!

No, like literally yesterday.

And now it is platinum! A toast!

I just don't see
how it's possible...

[VEHICLES BEEPING]

It doesn't matter how! A toast!

[ALL TOASTING INDISTINCTLY]
I don't get it, but okay.

And also, let us not forget,

my brave soldiers,
yes, out there,

fighting those rebel
dogs, far away!

And plus that one right there.

Senor Presidente!
The rebels have

broken through
our lines! They...

[ROCKETS WHISTLING]

They are now
within mortar range!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, my God, it's starting!

What is?

Cherlene mania!

It's a mortar attack!

I know! How frickin'
outlaw country is that?

CHERYL: ♪ I burn it down

♪ I burn it down to
the ground I burn it down

♪ To the sea

♪ I burn it down

♪ Down to the ground

♪ Don't mess with
this country queen

♪ Don't you mess

♪ With this country queen ♪