Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 9 - Archer Vice: Baby Shower - full transcript

Money is tight and Malory is extra cranky, nagging the team to earn money. Miss Outlaw Country and Mr. Danger Zone are slated to star at a baby shower for Lana; Archer can't rest until he gets his idol to sing as his special gift for the expectant mother. But, Kenny Loggins has his own takes Archer and Pam some finagling to locate and get him on board. But Lana skipped the '80s. Woodhouse is the one who really saves the day. How, exactly, is Archer financing all of this fun and frivolity?

♪ Got too much
time and nowhere to go

♪ But I drink
enough to say hello

♪ I'm not in love with anyone

♪ But I'm high enough
not to give a... ♪

God damn it!

Cut! Okay.

Whoa! Cut it, fellas!

Man, I am blowing this jug.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You are what's wrong with me!

It's 5:50 in the
goddamn morning!

Uh, duh! It's called
the golden hour.

The... The light takes
on a special quality.

I know what it means, but...

Then you know it's the
best time to record stuff, so...

Film! It's the best time
to record things on film.

It cannot possibly have
any effect on recording audio.

Oh! Was I supposed
to be recording that?

Krieger! God damn it.

We're losing the light!

We're not losing
me blowing this jug.

Are you bothering them?

I am, and also,
happy Opposite Day.

Is she bothering you? ALL: Yes!

Stop bothering them.
They're the ones...

They are trying to
make a record, Lana,

and there is a finite
amount of golden hour.

Which, again...

I know, but if
Cherlene's happy...

Outlaw country! Whoo!

Whoo! Exactly. Then I am happy.

Or at least I will be, once
we start selling some records.

I'll be happy when
I can sleep without

getting up to pee
every six minutes.

You think you're
not sleeping now?

Wait till that thing's born.

So do yourself and those bosoms

of yours a favor,
and get a wet nurse.

That cannot still be a thing.

Preferably one who cooks.

We had a Dominican, just lovely.

Bosoms like... Well, like
yours, but umpteen babies later.

My God, Sterling loved her.

She was with us
nearly four years.

Now what was her name?
I want to say Mariela.

Maricela? Wait. Or Ruby?

I don't... The point
is, they steal from you.

It's just the cost
of doing business.

Oh. Steal what?

We haven't been paid in months,
Malory. I'm pretty much broke.

Join the club. Because
believe me, if I had the money,

I would get the hell
out of this hillbilly Hilton.

Am I supposed to
be recording this?

Krieger! Watch it!

God damn it! Whoa! Ow!

Jug down!

Jug down!

As difficult as that would be.

I'ma plant a red
fern for you, jug.

Item one. Woodhouse, scrape.

Yes, ma'am.

And gripe all you want, but no
one is eating eggs, Woodhouse,

until you people start
bringing in some money!

But they were already cooked.

What good does it do
to throw them away?

None! That's the whole point.

And no cocaine donuts for you!

Oh, come on!

I got to load up my body
before Krieger sells it all.

Before what?

Krieger's selling
the cocaine online.

Are you insane?

Yeah, if it's insane to use

an X-gen asymmetric onion
router and digital cryptocurrency

to sell your cocaine anonymously
and completely risk-free.

Or a lot of the other shit I do.

But... So do people
e-mail you, or...

No. It's like shopping
online, only for cocaine.

I've already sold, wow,
almost 800 grand worth.

Really? But how do we get paid?

With a totally untraceable
digital currency

that we can exchange for real
US dollars whenever we want.

I call 'em Kriegerrands.

And then how do
they get the cocaine?

We pack it up and
ship it. Easy-peasy.

At least in theory.

Oh, for... I'll send
up some help.

And, missy, you
had better watch it.

Jesus, these
taste like calluses.

Ew! Gross. That's so accurate.




What's up her
gigantic giant ass?

Probably you shitheads!

What did we do?

Besides keeping
everybody up all night

with your damn hootenannies...

Wait, that was a hootenanny?

Has anybody even thought about

throwing her a
goddamn baby shower?

Ew! You mean a bastard... Ow!

Cyril, shut your pouthole,

accept the fact that Lana
was so far out of your league

that impregnating her would've
basically been interspecies breeding,

and get on with your life!

And then go get a
cake. Okay, Ray...

Ray, Cyril, go help
Krieger pack the cocaine.

Uh, Cherlene, go pick or grin or
something. And the rest of you...

We're throwing
Lana a baby shower.

We haven't done that yet?

I said move, people!

Go, go, go, go, go!


All right, I need them here making
music and packaging cocaine,

so this baby
shower is up to you.

Don't cock it up
like you did Texas.


Oh, blow it out your ass!

I was hoping you'd do that.

Okay, we should make a list.

Item one, some paper
to write said list on.

Item two...
Woodhouse! Get in here!

Sir? Here, here's 400 bucks.

Go get all the stuff
for a baby shower.

Cake, decorations, some of
those water guns shaped like dicks.

I think that's
bachelorette parties.

Really? Wow.
Okay, that explains...

Uh... Never mind.

And, Woodhouse, if you
spend any of this on heroin,

you better buy enough
to OD on because...

Will do!

Will don't!

Wait, so if Woodhouse

is getting everything we
need for the party, then...

Oh, not everything, Pam.

Because you and
I are going to get

Kenny Loggins to play
Lana's baby shower.

God damn it.

Pam. Pam.


Danger zone.
Wait, wait, wait, no.

This is it.

Yeah, you guys box it up,

I slap on a mailing
label from the printer,

bing, bang, boom,
it's good to go zoom.

So, why are we in our underwear?

Eh. Don't worry about it.

Because it kind
of seems like this is

about you and not
really about Lana.

Okay, A, Lana
loves Kenny Loggins.

Really? I don't know.

I mean, I assume she does. I do.

Whoa, whoa! Where
you think you're going?

Uh, well, to give
Mr. Loggins his wardrobe.

Not without a pass you're not.

Yeah, we...

Hey, I appreciate
you're just doing your job,

but if Kenny doesn't get

this embroidered hippie shirt
and these gigantic bell-bottoms,

I highly doubt you'll
have a job tomorrow.

Look, he ain't even here.

He's probably still
at the Tuntmore.

Now, was that so
hard, neck nuts?

Good instincts back there, Pam.

That's what we
field agents call...


Guess I'm not a field
agent anymore though.

Man, you got to
miss it. What a rush!

Yeah, I miss it, but calm down.

Jesus, it's not like
you killed a guy.


Okay, so phase two may
call for some field craft.

A, there's no way a
superstar like Kenny Loggins

is gonna be registered
under his own name.

Yeah. It's not
like he's Messina.

Don't do that.
Don't ever do that!

Sorry. Jeez!

You should be.

Jim Messina is a genius,
and without him, no Poco.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, we'll
probably need to access

the computer
terminal at reception,

so just follow my lead.

Could I just follow
Kenny Loggins? Wha...

Well, maybe because
it's in the rider,

which I'll be happy to come
down there and shove up his ass.

Excuse me, Mr. Loggins?

Hi, I'm... Uh-huh.

Wha... What? Uh-huh.

What the shit, Loggins?
Ricky, bad touch.

Hands off Mr. Loggins!

Hands off me,
Lurch. Look at my suit.

Zap, Ricky, zap!

Hey... Ah.

Ah. Hang on. Hit him again.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no!

What? I...

What's that? No, no,
never mind. It's just a fan.

Oh. Holy shit
zaps! Are you okay?

Yeah, and I don't
know about you,

but I'm gonna be pretty upset

if I end up having to
murder Kenny Loggins.


Yeah, that's fair!

Kick out the guy whose
custom Super 220 wool suit

was ruined by Kenny Loggins!

And where were
you during all that?

Oh, man, I was like, "What?"

So, what's up? What's the plan?

The plan is shut up and come on.

No, we have to play
games at the baby shower.

There's Don't Drop the
Baby, Dirty Diaper Game...

What in God's name is
the Dirty Diaper Game?

Oh, my God, it's hilarious.

You get a bunch
of newborn diapers,

then you microwave
different candy bars...

Stop! Yeah, let me
just stop you there,

because if you
finish that sentence,

I'm going to rub cocaine in
your eyes until you are blind.

God damn, Shawshank.

Uh, Malory? Wha...

What? What do you want? Jesus.

I, um...

Okay, so, as you know, or
should know, I'm pregnant and...

Lana, it's too late to...

Okay, let me stop
you. Having the baby.

Don't know why that's such a
mindbender for everybody, but...

Well... But... Hush.

I have a lot of pretty
major expenses coming up,

and since we
haven't been paid...

Oh. Look, I hate
to ask, but I need...


What? It's like
welfare, but for babies.

I don't know, I'm
not a Democrat.

But I think they give
you a birth cheese.

A birth cheese.

Oh, for... Nothing's
ever good enough.

Sorry, I only had $200.

Not you.

Really? $200?

Okay, there's $200 for the
uniforms, $100 for the sweet wigs,

and another $300 for
Kenny Loggins' room number.

So, I'm curious,
why didn't you just

call Cherlene who
owns the hotel?

Oh. And I'm curious, why didn't

you remind me about
that until just now?

You said shut up,
J. Alfred Gotrocks.


We haven't been paid in forever.

Where are you
getting all this money?

I sold some artwork.

God damn it!

What did I tell you about
staying up on the wall, ghosts?

Okay, since I am, or was,

a world-class secret agent,

when we get up to his room,

do actually follow my lead or...

Hang on, let me grab a name tag.

Ruby! Ruby!

Is there a Ruby? See if
there's a Ruby. Is there a Ruby?

It's pretty close to
Ruby. No, Pam, it isn't.

Well, why do...
Don't worry about it.

Let it go. And give
me one of those mints.

Dude, they're cocaine. Oh.

Of course they are.


All right, here's the penthouse.

Now, I cannot stress this
enough, Pam, follow my lead.


Room... Housekeeping!

What did I just...


What the hell is your problem?

Besides my face hurts?

Why do I pay you
20 grand a month?

I don't want to read
about Kenny Loggins,

I want to read about K-Log.

Jesus, don't ever
get a publicist.

Well, as a lowly room service
waiter, I probably won't, but...



K-Log didn't order room service.

Sure, you did.

No, I didn't.

A housekeeper and/or prostitute?

You think K-Log needs
to pay for sex, do you?

No, but that being said,

I do think he needs to
reevaluate this whole K-Log thing.

Oh, yeah? Well, I think you
need to reevaluate your face.

My... Oh! Okay.
I can explain that.

How? Uh...

Lip chemo?

It's the crazy guy
from the lobby!

Which means
you're no prostitute.

And that being said,

I am open to blow
jobs for money.

I only got 8 bucks
on me, but... Pam!

Self-esteem, buddy. Come on.

Now, let's just put
the gun down and...

Mr. Loggins, please advise.

K-Log. K-Log, damn it.

Yeah, I'm kind of
with him on that one.

Oh, really?

So you agree with Borgnar's
pathetic little errand boy?

Wait, what? And also who?

Well, I'll tell you
the same thing

I told Borgnar that
night in Caracas.

It's not for sale. At any price.

Who the hell is...


Ricky, attack!

Yeah, Ricky. Ooh!


Okay. Okay, good.

Pam, are you good?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, good, okay.
'Cause this time,

I may actually
murder Kenny Loggins.

Wait, wait, wait!

What, Pam?

First see if he wants a beej.

Loggins! Loggins!

Now, look, before either of us

does something we'll
both regret, let's...

Okay, that's just
unacceptable. Pam, I'm going in!


Wow! He really likes
the Paco Rabanne.

Tell Borgnar I'll
see him in hell!


What the shit, Loggins?

Wonder if it's too
late to get Messina.

Holy shit.

What kind of colossal idiot
would build a pool like that?

I just want to go
on record as saying

that a glass swimming pool
on the penthouse balcony is,

without a doubt,

the absolute worst
idea that I have

ever heard in my
entire goddamn life.

But you're the men, so...

But can you imagine
banging in that thing?

Why, yes, Archer, yes, I can.

Drop it! Drop it on the ground.

Do you know how
bad that is for it?

I will place it on
the ground, but...

You think K-Log
won't shoot, punk?

No, I think K-Log
is out of bullets.


How did you...
It's just a thing I do.

Now what the hell
is in that briefcase?

As if you don't know.

I honestly don't.


Look, I put my weapon
down. I'm not a threat.

How would I know what's in...

Pam, no, no, no.
Don't, no, don't...


Ooh! Okay. So one of...

One fairly predictable thing
is gonna happen now, so...


You saved me. But why?

What do you mean, why?

I wanted you to
play a baby shower.

Wait, what?

The Dirty Diaper Game,
water guns shaped like dicks.

A baby shower.

Oh. So, Borgnar, the briefcase?

I don't know anyone
named Borgnar,

and I don't want
your crazy briefcase.

What the hell is
even in that thing?

Don't worry about
it. Just let it go.

I should let you go.

Look, I'm, you know...

Sorry? Um...

More just embarrassed.

Is there some way I can
make this all up to you?

A beej! Pam!

And no, Kenny Loggins,

there's no way to make up for
almost killing me over a briefcase

full of what I can
only assume is either

plutonium or a human soul.

Although, that being said...

It's in D minor. Do you know what
that is? Or even what chords are?

Yes. Wow. Snotty.

Okay, fine, so during the boring
parts, just scream, "Outlaw country."

Yeah, absolutely not.

♪ Revvin' up your engines

♪ Listen to her howlin' roar

Happy baby shower!

Oh, my God, you guys.

Me first, here!

It's a breast pump. Go ahead
and use it now if you want.

I do not want,
Krieger, but thank you.

Aw. And thank you, Pam.

It's cocaine!

Aw! Of course it is.

And also, what the
hell happened to you?

This big bastard. What big...

Whoa! Uh...

Hi. Um...

This is a car seat.

God damn it!

This whole stupid baby
shower was my idea!

♪ Highway to the danger zone

♪ I'll take you right
into the danger zone

Here. Oh, wow!

A check. For $80.

Please take me back.

Aw, Cyril.

Who's next?

Well, I suppose
me. And all of this.

It's a layette. Onesies,
binkies, itty bitty booties...

Blah blah blah.

From baby Bergdorf's.

Oh, my God, it
must've been a fortune.

Well, I can afford it.

Apparently, Krieger's online
pharmacy is going gangbusters, so...

Pardon me, ma'am. This
was delivered for Dr. Krieger.

What... Not now,
you shriveled...

Wait a minute.
That's the cocaine.

So this whole thing
was just a sham?

Well, only if by "sham"
you mean "sham."

Oh. Krieger!

Aah! But you were
temporarily so happy!

Krieger, get back here!


♪ They never say hello to you

♪ Until you get it on
the red line overload

♪ You'll never
know what you can do

♪ Until you get it up
as high as you can go

Wow! This baby shower

actually went a lot better
than I would've imagined.


And what happened to you?

Your present, Lana,
is what happened.

And it's where, exactly?

What, are you kidding? It's...

Right here, miss.

That's my crib! Which I
want you to have for the baby.

Archer. Because
you're important to me,

so I made Woodhouse

get it from Mother's storage
unit, because I own him.


Archer, that is
the sweetest thing

anybody has ever given me, ever.

Well, yeah.

But, I mean, the big
present, obviously, is...

Danger Zone.

Danger Zone.

The... Lana, the song.

♪ Highway to the danger zone

♪ Right into the danger zone

Oh. Oh, okay.

Danger Zone, Lana.

You know, how I'm always
saying, "danger zone"?

Uh... Kind of. Yes.


It's from a song?

Yes, it's from a song!

Recorded by Grammy winner

and possible
Faustian bargain maker

Kenny goddamn Loggins!

Okay, calm down.

- So who's Beard Guy?
- Are you...

That's Kenny Loggins!

From Kenny Loggins Roasters?

♪ Gonna take you
right into the danger zone

♪ Highway to the danger zone

♪ Right into the danger zone

♪ Highway to the danger zone

♪ Danger zone

♪ Right into the danger zone ♪