Archer (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Archer Vice: Palace Intrigue: Part II - full transcript

Members of the team want to leave San Marcos. Lana, Archer and Malory do the scavenging, Cyril is tasked with finding transportation and Pam gets the luggage. Archer continues to be unwitting Honeypot to Juliana Calderon. As Charlene packs to leave, the amorous El Presidente (and Chief Justice) Calderon divorces Juliana, and declares Cherlene his wife. Juliana goes to prison and the rest of the team will either be executed or follow Juliana. But, El Presidente is out of ammo; his guards panic with news of rebel counterattack. When Cyril arrives with "transportation" previously requested by Malory, a new coup d'état is born.





Outlaw country! Outlaw...

[GRUNTS] Stop it!

Make me.

[EXPLOSION] Lana! Are you crazy?

No, she is. See.

Let go of her throat, She-Hulk.

Those pipes just
sold a million records.

Which is amazing, can
you believe it is so amazing?

Everyone, toast! [EXPLOSION]

ALL: Whoa!

Presidente, this
is no time for toast.

[STAMMERS] No, not
toast. A toast, a toast.

It is even less
the time for that.

Calm down, Colonel Panic.

Listen. The shelling
has stopped.



Why the hell did you do that?

So we can scrooch
down behind it.

The shelling has stopped!

Oh. Did you just say that?

God damn it. Is everybody okay?

ALL: Yes.

Wait a minute, where is my wife?

And where is Sterling?

ARCHER: What's that?

I mean, yes. What?
What are we doing?

What are you doing?

Why were you in
the butler's pantry?

hiding, because I was scared.

Yeah, right. Really.

Well, fairly. But I found
a paper bag in there

and I did some deep, uh...


Also, yes. So, hey,
what's the plan?

We must counterattack.

But sir, I don't
have enough troops.

Oh, my God. Always
with the excuses.

Sir, you have an entire
battalion sitting idle at the airport...

They are not sitting
idle, they are...

Unloading the one
million record albums

you bought from this gringa!


Wait, what?

Surprise. [DOOR OPENS]

Wait, what?


Can you not?

Can you not?

I thought people liked me!
I thought we were broke!

[STAMMERS] I, that's...

BOTH: Do you have any
idea how humiliating this is?




Cherlene, wait! [GASPS]

Well, now it's your turn
to be humiliated, Gustavo.

Because for your
information, I just had...


LANA: Cyril?


Oh, my God.

The gun went off for no reason.




JULIANA: Ten million dollars!

On cowboy music!


Cowboy music?

Presidente, please!

Permission to redeploy
the troops at the airport!


Jesus Christ! Fine.
Whatever you want.


Bravo Two, this is Bravo Actual.

Redeploy your
troops to sector four.

Well, I am redeploying
to my rooms.

Well, I am redeploying
to my rooms.

My God, why was she so upset?

Well, I think any time a
spouse makes a major purchase

without discussing it...

I meant Cherlene, you
pea-wit. Why does she care?

Most singers would kill to
have a record go platinum.

LANA: Ahem.

Speaking of killing people...

[SCOFFS] Oh, my God.
Okay, first of all, he...

Actually, yeah, Pam,
let's hear some Bee Gees.


[GASPING] Ah! Ah! Ah!

Stayin' alive.

Holy shit! That works. [GROANS]

Yeah, so does Kevlar.

Wait, so does what? Oh!

What, did you just
want mouth-to-mouth?

I can explain.

What is this,
Meatballs? You little...

ARCHER: Racist.

What? Cyril, you wear Kevlar every
single time we go to Latin America.

Because every
time, you shoot me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not every time.

Three out of four,
tops. You big baby.

Also speaking of...

[GROANS] Here it comes.

No, actually, here it goes.

I'm leaving. Ray,
airport, let's go.

Have you lost your mind?

Seriously, I am
not your servant.


Ow! God damn it!

Not that! Ow!

Lana, in case you
haven't noticed,

this place is
crawling with rebels.

[CHUCKLES] And not the
good kind you get drunk with

at Myrtle Beach
and cruise the strip

in the bed of their monster
truck with a big rebel flag on it,

flinging empty
longnecks at people.


Those aren't actually
the good kind either.

Now who's racist?

Those guys, Pam, those exact
same guys you just described.

Oh. Well, now I
feel like an asshole.

When do you not?

Almost always. I really like me.


As is leaving before
Calderon pays us

for that shipment of
weapons, so... [SCOFFS]

When was that
supposed to happen?

After a lovely dinner with him
and his freshly-banged first lady?

His... What are
you talking about?

I'm talking about Archer,
who just... [GUNSHOT]



Give me that!

Mother, be careful, that crazy
thing's got a mind of its own.

And it's not the only thing.

Why can't you keep it in
your pants? [GROANS]

Oh, Mother.


It's not funny, I
actually use mine.

Yes, always.


What happened to no
more anonymous sex?

We had already met.

Not the first time!

The first time, I thought
she was the maid.

Why would you
have sex with a maid?

That doesn't merit
a response, Mother.

And the second time,
she blackmailed me.

How did she blackmail you?

By threatening to tell
Calderon about the first time.

That's the honeypot.
How could you fall for that?

It's Espionage 101.

I know, it's pretty ironic.

But also, I always fall for it.

And now, what's to
stop her from telling him

about the second time?


Nothing, she's crazy.

Ow! Ow!

Lana, quit it! Ow!
Ow! God damn it!


We're dead! You've killed us!


I didn't have a
follow-up. To that.


All right, Lana, you win.


Win what?

We're leaving right now. Ray.

Already packing mentally.

Damn it, man,
forget your kimonos!

Oh, like I brought a huge stack.

Five's a pretty big stack.

Cyril, shut up and
go find a vehicle.

Ray, find Cherlene. No
matter what happens,

we can't leave without her.

She said, suddenly
oddly maternal.


She has to endorse
the royalty checks.

And the penny drops.

You shut up and the
rest of you shut up

and grab anything valuable.

Ooh! Like that
ridiculous white painting.

Wait, what about Krieger?

Oh... Who cares about Krieger?


Plus, I bet the
vampires got him.



So now will you
join us, brother?



ALL: Clone bone!

have so many questions.

Are you clones of me?
Am I a clone of you?

Did you all grow up
together, in an actual house

with an actual mom and
dad? And was I ever there?

No. To all of it.

You sure? Because I have this
very clear memory of me as a child

and it's snowing, and
there's a creepy old man

trying to take me away,

and then I knock
him down with a sled.

That's Citizen Kane.


Wait, no, not a sled.
A pneumatic bolt gun.

Now that does sound
vaguely familiar.


Wait, no, I remember
blood on snow.


No. That was something else.

He was never with us as a child.

Well, the important thing
is that you're with us now.

Especially since your friends...

"Friends." Please. Can
you believe those jerks?

After all these years?

Kicking me to the curb like...

A child.

A frog. Frog-child.


Is that what I think it is?

ALL: No.

Well, let me finish,
because I think

it's some kind of
unholy adolescent

human-amphibian hybrid creature.

Oh. Then yes.

I'm home. I'm finally home.

Just in time for our
moment of triumph.

Well, if there's one thing I
love, it's triumph. What is it?

All will be revealed in time.

And if there's one thing
I love more than triumph,

it's annoying vagueness.

Cyril, shut up and find a vehicle.

I'm a hateful shrew.

And this is my
idiot son, Archer.

He's going to screw
the dictator's wife

and then shoot you in the chest.


Makes me so mad.

One of these days, I swear to...

Jesus H. Chrysler!

Well, one thing's for sure. If I
had to do it over, I'd be a dictator.


My God, come on, how
can you even say that?

Because that's what you are!

Cherlene, I'm not a dictator.

I'm a president, like
your Jorge Washington.

Jorge Washington,
which apparently

I've been mispronouncing
wrong this whole time,

wasn't president for life!

He could have been if he wanted.

The 22nd amendment
to your constitution

imposed the
presidential term limits.

But it wasn't passed by
your congress until 1947,

and not ratified by
the requisite number

of American states
until 1951. So...

Who are you, Dave Frishberg?

I don't know who that is.

Of course you don't. Because
you don't live in a free country

where the world's largest
manufacturers of sugary cereals

are allowed to sponsor

interstitial animated

targeted at children!

No. I live in a
very poor country.


No, look, I know.

But go outside the palace walls

and trust me, Cherlene,
listen, it is crazy poor.

Yeah, that was my whole...

And so, I wanted to
distribute your records among,

I hate to say this,

but our filthy peasants, so as to
brighten their lives with your music.

Oh. Well, now I feel like a...

Wait, do they even
have record players?

Well, no, obviously not, but...

So how would they
even use records?

As plates?

What in the name
of all that is stupid

do you think you're doing?

[SIGHS] You tell me, crazy
pregnant hormone lady.

What's it look like I'm doing?

before you answer,

please don't say "literally
being emasculated,"

because I looked
that up and... Ick.

Hold it up. Lana, come on.

You and Mother smashed
my balls pretty good.

Kudos, they're swollen.

But I don't need a cutman.

The painting, you idiot.

Oh. Thought you
meant my genitals.

But look, I know you're
jealous I had sex with Juliana,

almost twice.

But don't slash
the painting, it's...


But worthless if you damage it.

But even though
it's very delicate,

it can withstand a
surprising amount of shit.

Wait, is this an extremely
ill-phrased analogy about my penis?

Yes, Archer, it is, because
everything, everywhere, everywhen

is about the paragon of
adequacy that is your dick.

"Adequacy" as in

Or "adequacy"
as in "Hey, stupid,

"you just destroyed
$40 million."

As in neither, you dummy.

This is how you
steal a painting.

Did you never see The
Thomas Crown Affair?

No, not a huge
Steve McQueen fan.


Oh, my God, are you...

Archer, you used to moan
about him in your sleep.


No, I didn't.

Come on, you can do
this, just pick a stupid car.

But the perfect car, so
that for once in her life,

Ms. Archer can't bitch.

And we'll be driving through a
war zone, so it needs to be fast.

Although I guess reliability
is more important than speed.

Well, up to a point. Although,
bulletproof glass wouldn't be bad...

Damn it, Figgis!
You're overthinking this!


Now that is a vehicle. [SCOFFS]

Let's see Ms. Archer
bitch about that.

MALORY: You idiot!

I gave you one simple job and...

I looked in her room!


And she wasn't in it.


Pam, if you want to scuff them
that badly, just throw them down the...


What? Were you
not gonna say stairs?

Uh, hang on, hang
on. Wait, wait. Damn it.

I have something
for this, it's, um... Uh...

I assume it was about that ad
with the suitcase and the gorilla.


Which, turns out, was actually
a man in a gorilla costume.

Making the comparison
even more accurate.

CALDERON: Ow! Seriously.

Let go of me!

There, I found her.

Cherlene, please!

No, I said!

But, Cherlene, listen, I love
you. I will divorce my wife.


You what?

Oh, don't act so
surprised, Juliana.

It's not like we're
in love anymore.

Anymore? We were never in love!

And suddenly, I
don't feel so bad.

You did before?

Oh, my God, you have no idea,

it's this ache in the
pit of your stomach.

Are you talking
about your balls?

Yeah, but it's wearing off now.

And I will tell you the
same thing I told your father.

I will never give you a divorce!

Tell that to the Chief
Justice of the Supreme Court.

Oh, wait, you just did.

Wait, you can't be both.

Your William Howard Taft was.

Not at the same time!

He absolutely was.

Is that true? [ALL

I wanna say church and state?

When we get home, first thing,

we are binge-watching
Schoolhouse Rock!

You can binge-watch it in hell!


Well, if anything,
that's heaven.

And you can die knowing that the
last man inside of me was Archer.


Oh, yeah, so about that...

Well, I hope it was
worth dying for.

Honestly? Right?

no, but the first time...

Honestly? No, the first time.

Goodbye, Mr. Archer. Give my
regards to William Howard Taft.



No! No!

ALL: No!




Pam, seriously.

Archer? Lana, shut up. Pam!

Archer, I think she's...
[SNIFFLES] I think she's...

Dead. And now you, Mr. Archer,

can join her in...

Out... law... country!



I'm gonna go Jerry
Lee on your ass!



Do you wanna... Yes. Wait,
were you gonna say watch?

I was gonna say help, but...

Shut up, did she say
she used to be married

to Calderon's father?

Yeah, that's some
messed up shit.


How are you not dead?


'Cause I'm not a pussy?

And also probably
'cause of this.

Is that Cyril's? Yep.


You know they're
not reusable, right?

Once the fibers get damaged,

that's basically
just a sweater vest.

Oh, good. 'Cause
for a second there,

I thought I actually
was a pussy.

Hurts, huh? [CHERLENE

Hey, so... Yeah. Now
do you wanna help?


Oh, okay, Mother,
give me my gun.

I don't have it,
I threw it away.

BOTH: You what?

Why would you throw
away a perfectly good gun?

Because it touched your junk.

How dirty do you
think my junk is?

As dirty as if it
were made of dirt

and then got dropped
in some different dirt.

And then Pig-Pen came along

and kicked it around
with his dirty shoes.

Fair enough. [GUNSHOT]

Nobody move!

Except you, Juliana.

Let go of Cherlene
and throw down the gun.

Now then.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop it! Stop it! Ow! No!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh!

[FIRES SHOT] Now then!

Cherlene. Stop this at once.

As your husband, I command you.


Sorry, hang on.
Juliana, I divorce you,

but also, I wish
you the best of luck

in the years ahead, which
you will spend in prison.

Cherlene, I now pronounce
us husband and wife.


Weddings always get me.

Plus cocaine.

No, we are so not
married! Are you...

Wait, which is it? Literally.

Are you literally insane?

No, but my word
is literally law.

One of the perks
of being a dictator.

You said you weren't a dictator!

I lied, okay?

But hopefully, our
marriage is strong enough

that together and over
time, we can work through it.

Well, at least he
admits he was wrong.

Yeah, 'cause that
makes it all better.

When did you get so cynical?

The rest of you are
under arrest! ALL: What?

Except those of you
who are to be executed.

Wait, what? Hey, guys?


CALDERON: In which case...

I would not put a lot of money
in my prison canteen account.

I am looking your
way, Mr. Archer.

Wait. No! [ALL

Well, then good luck
getting any more weapons,

you cut-rate Castro!

Ha! I don't need them.

As we speak, my scientists
are working on a secret weapon.

And soon, I will
water our coca fields

with the rebels' blood!


Gross! I can't
believe I married you.



Good, yes. I'm
glad you are here.

I've been bluffing
the whole time.

out of bullets. See that?

My bad, guys. That's on me.

Anyway. Okay now,
Comandante, arrest these people.

But, Presidente, the rebels.

They have smashed
our counterattack.


They are headed for the palace.

Hurry, we must
get you out of here.

Wait, and me.
I'm the first lady!

Please, hurry, we
have to go before...


Don't just stand there,
you cowards. Do something!

Oh. Really? That's
obviously not what...

Don't shoot! Don't
shoot! We surrender!

Uh, what's that?


Yeah. I couldn't hear you over the sound
of this gigantic friggin tank. [CHUCKLES]

You idiot, that's the
vehicle you found?

I meant a limousine or...

Jesus God, woman, nothing
is ever good enough for you!

Right? Please. Sir.
Accept our surrender.

No, not to him.
He's not the rebels.

Kind of a moot
point though, isn't it?

What, with the tank and all.

Yeah. So I hereby...

I accept your surrender. Dibs.
I'm in charge. Cyril, get out of the...

Sorry, I still
couldn't hear you.


Yeah, Cyril, you are sorry,

because you still look like
an idiot. You look like, uh...


Oh, my God. Hang on, wait, wait.

I actually have
something for this.

Mi... Mike Ducockless!


Oh, boy.