Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Heart of Archness: Part I - full transcript

Archer is still reeling from the death of his fiancée by taking a siesta to an island in the South Pacific. Malory, needing Archer back, sends noted adventurer Rick Riley to retrieve Archer...

- And so, here is what I propose...
- We finish these, get some roadies,

head back to my huge penthouse, drink
chilled champagne served by my valet...

Isn't it pronounced valet?

Only if he's parking your car,
then we slip into my new hot tub

and, ya know, see where
the evening takes us.

Well, I have to wait until my
friend comes back from the powder room...

Well yeah, obviously we're
gonna wait for her, she's the hot one.


I'm sorry, is something funny?

Just that last part,
where she slapped you.


You like physical humor?!

Depends on the situation.


You okay?

No, I'm not oh -- oh my God!

You're Burt Reynolds!

Yes, yes I am.

And if I let you up, are you
gonna do anything stupid?

No, no I'm not.

Hi, Sterling Archer.

Sterling Archer?

Yeah, you've heard of me, huh?

Well, just from your --
Press clippings, yeah,

it's pretty hard to stay
anonymous when you're the

world's greatest secret agent.

yourself that can't help.

Hang on, true
story, Operation CIA?

That movie's basically why I became
a secret agent in the first place!


That movie was just God-awful.

What's awful is
I almost punched you!

No you didn't.

And I've seen all your
other movies like five times!

Sam Whiskey, Navajo Joe, Fuzz,
Hooper, Shamus, Shark,

The Longest Yard, Deliverance,
The Smokies, White Lightning,

obviously Gator, uh, oh!

I even saw At Long Last Love!

I thought you were great!


Well, I wanted to.

Me too.

Listen, I kinda have a date.

No no no wait wait wait!

Sorry. Lemme buy you a drink, I wanna
tell you my idea for a Gator sequel!

Gator was a sequel.

I Know, and this will be the
final chapter in The McClusky Trilogy!

Trilogy. Huh.

With twice as
many airboats as Gator!

as many would be none?

What're you talking about, Gator had--

Not airboats.

Really, are you sure?

Pretty sure.

I directed it.

I -- okay, but this one has
airboats, and they're central to the plot,

And it sounds
great, kid, but like I said,

- I kinda have a date, so...
- I get it.

You gonna take her upstairs and
give her "the longest yard"?



What are you doing here?!

What are you doing here?!

- I'm kicking it with -- Burt? Oh no...
- Yeah so...

remember how I said I kinda had a date?

It's kinda with your mom.

Hope that's not gonna be a problem.

Oh please!

Burt Reynolds didn't give you
a black eye, the floor did!

When you fainted like a schoolgirl!

It was an involuntary
reaction, mother!

To seeing you all tarted up to meet
my hero in a hotel bar for sex!

Oh for -- we
were meeting for drinks!

I mean obviously sex was implied, but--

And since when is he your hero?

Wh-? Since always!

Eeeast bound and doowwn!

I thought that
was Richard Petty.

Which doesn't
even merit a response.

And you cannot date Burt Reynolds!

Can, am, and
will continue to do so.

I'm serious, I'll
do something drastic!

You will not.

Mainly because you've got
bigger things to worry about.

I'll be the judge of -- a Cuban
hit squad is in New York to kill me?!


This intel's a week old!

Why are you just telling
me about it now?!

- Because... Pick up Sterling, pick up, pick--
- Mmyello?

Sterling dear, it's me.

There's a --
Ha! Voicemail.

You know what to do.

Oh for God's sake.


Sterling, dear it's me.

Hold on, hold on!

Hang on.


Don't hang up.


Sterling it's --
Elaborate voicemail hoax.

Leave it.

And then I just sort
of forgot about it, because

that same night, I met --
Burt Reynoooolds!

Is on line oooone!

For you, for some reason.

Burt dear, what
a lovely surprise!

I'm sitting
here with just a mustache

and memories of last night.

- Oh, Burt...
- Rrrgh!

and also a blanket.

The AC in my room's stuck on... freeze.

Deliverance, Gator,
and this is him in Cosmoooh!

How totally hot is he?!

I swear to God, you could drown
a toddler in my panties right now.

I mean not that you would, but --

Shut up!

You're not my supervisor!

Wait, who is my supervis--

Oh right.

Go get my gray
fox out of cold storage.

Burt Reynolds is taking me to a movie
premiere tonight, so -- help me God,

if you throw that computer on
the floor again you'll wake up

in a mental ward with total amnesia
under someone else's name.

That's actually kinda scary.


Wouldn't be the first time.

Archer, hey, about this expense report--
Not now, Cyril!

Mother is ruining what remains
of my life before a Cuban hit

squad assassinates me, so --


Yeah laugh it up, Lana.

I am.

You almost got
shot in the face.

Get off.

You get off.


I'm pretty tense right now.

Because of the Cubans?

Or because Burt Reynolds
is doing your mom?

Yeah, laugh it up!

I am!

Burt Reynolds is actually banging --

You broke my frickin nose!

- What's that?
- Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound

of I broke your nose!

Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make
Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.

He's not... doing that!

But even if he is, which he is --
No he isn't!

This Cuban hit squad is no joke.

So if I were you, I'd lay low in
the safehouse for a few days,

until we work out a plan
to neutralize them.

Ohh! Yeah, okay!

The safehouse!

I'm sorry, your words made sense,
but your sarcastic tone did not.

Because there are no Cubans!

Mother just wants me out of the way so she can...
do unspeakable things with

Burt Reynolds!

So nice try, idiot!

- I love it that I'm the idiot...
- So unless the building

is literally on fire, none
of you are to call me.

Because, as I may have mentioned--
Fifty times.

-- tonight I will be attending
a movie premiere with Burt Reynolds.

Oh my God,
that totally reminds me!

This came for you.

From him.

And you opened it?!

That's how
I knew it was from him.

Give me that!

"Dear Malory, it's been --"

Dear Malory, it's been real,
but I'm dumping you for a young

starlet and heading back to Tinseltown.

Do not contact me.

Regards, Burt Reynolds.


They weren't even warmest!

Wait a -- who
calls it Tinseltown?

Carol Channing?

Or somebody who just thinks
that's what movie stars call Hollywood.

Stockard Channing?


His mother, dating his mancrush?

I bet Archer kidnapped him.

But how?

- Archer goes to Burt's hotel room...
- Knocks him out...


Knocks out Burt Reynolds?!

- With gas...
- Oh shit.

And then hides him somewhere.

Like an idiot kid
hiding a lamp he broke.

You really think he'd do that?

Yes, really.

I'm serious, if you ever go near
to my mother again I will...

do something really bad.

Well, then
you should probably just

go ahead and get it over with.

Don't worry, I -- wait, what?

Because if you
don't kill me, and I get loose?

You're gonna wish you were in
hell with your back broke.

I don't...
have a response to that.

They never do...

It's my own fault,
I should've known!

They tell you they love you,
and then they just cast you

aside when some young starlet catches
their eye, with her perky little boobs!

I bet they
were perky and big.


Why are you torturing
her like that?!

Why are you
asking rhetorical questions?

- Aww, that's actually kinda sad...
- Alright, here's the plan,

I say we go rescue Burt Reynolds, and as
a bonus, beat some sense into Archer's

head and ass.


Right in the head and ass!

So Pam, Carol,
stay here with Malory.

Everybody else, let's go to Archer's.

He's got a Cuban
hit squad after him.

Why wouldn't he go to the safehouse?

A, because he thinks
they're imaginary, and B,

the safehouse doesn't have a --
New hot tub!

Fifty jets, hand-hewn California
Redwood, no big deal...

The California
Redwood is endangered.


I already got my tub.

Woodhouse, Burt Reynolds.

Burt, Woodhouse.


Loved you
in Gone With The Wind.

Not him, shut
up, get him a drink.

What's your poison?

Pimm's Cup?

Odd choice...
Well, this whole thing's pretty odd.

What's odd!

Is you wanting to date my mother!

Why's that odd?

Because you're you!

- And she's, um...
- Beautiful, smart, funny, successful...

Like, one of those, tops.

Not to
mention drop-dead sexy.

Oh dear God yes.


I shall fetch a cucumber!

You have to not date my mother.

Can't do it.

Can't, or --
Won't, whatever, pick one.

Well then, here's
what's gonna happen.

- You're gonna drink your Pimm's Cup...
- Which is exciting!

Never had one!

Then I'm gonna knock you out,
and you're gonna wake up in a

mental hospital with total amnesia,
under someone else's name.

Hey, now
there's an idea for a movie!

Yeah, I think it already was.

I wasn't in it.

Well, maybe not, but--
Fade in!

A mental ward!

White walls, white sheets,
nurses in crisp white uniforms,

broken men shuffle like zombies
we see a hospital wristband on

a man's arm, John Doe.

And we slowly tilt up, to see the man's face...
Gator McKlusky.

And he's looking out the window,
the afternoon sun on his face,

and there's a spark of recognition
in his eyes, cause you know what

he's looking at?

- No...
- The Okefenokee Swamp.

There's a mental hospital there?

Right on the water.

And guess what's tied up
right out there at the dock?

An airboat!

And the head nurse falls in love
with him and finds out who

he really is so she helps him
escape and they get chased by a

bunch of dirty cops but
in the end they win!

And you just
got a screenplay credit.

For real?!

Oh yeah, maybe even--
Your Pimm's Cup, sir.

Doesn't it...
come in a silver chalice?


That would be a pimp cup, sir.

- Ohh...
- I hate to sound Hollywood,

but could you put my Pimm's Cup in a--
Pimp Cup! Certainly!

It would be an honor, Mr. Gable!

Maybe even what?!

Executive Producer.

Executive producer?!

But I'm not... Falling for that!

You big liar!

You're not gonna make that movie!

Oh, I absolutely am.

And once your ISIS buddies find out that
you kidnapped me and come find me,

I'm gonna give them all an EP credit.

No, you're not!

So drink your stupid Pimm's Cup --

where are we on that chalice?

Because nobody
is coming for you, Burt!

And especially nobody from ISIS!

Okay, don't take
this the wrong way?

But I'm kinda wondering how you're
gonna be an effective field agent.


Coming from a woman.

Excuse me?



Esto es Archer, no?

Creo que se, pero...
esta paralizado?

Al parecer.

Sera mas fa¡cil, eh?

El inva¡lido.


I mean don't get me wrong, I'm
all for affirmative action, but --

Oh my God! Okay, first of all --
Hey guys?

Hey guys?

Zip it nerds!

First of all, I was twice the agent
you were when your legs worked,

so don't hand me that--

What the --

And this conversation isn't over!

Isn't it?!

No no no no!

My brand-new van!

Holy shit!

Lana! Hang on!

Cuban hit squad!

I gotta go!

Would you go?!

I can't yet!

And now I do
actually see your point.

Krieger, go!



Krieger can't outrun anything
with all that handicapped shit.

I gotta go after them!

But this conversation is not over!

You'll never catch 'em.

Yes I will!

No you won't.

I've seen you drive.

You drive like an egg.

You think you
can outdrive me?!

And I'll bet on it.

Go on... If I
don't catch 'em, I will just ride off

- into the sunset... - Where they
don't have telephones to ever call my

mother again, ever.

On my word.

- And if I do catch 'em...
- You keep dating my mother, yeah, got it.

And since we've wasted a shitload of
time already, I feel pretty good about

this bet.

So let's do thiiis!

You're kidding me.

I know, it drives me nuts.

It's like the world's slowest elevator.

This is like the
world's slowest van!

It's all this
handicapped shit!

Jesus God, I get!

Your point!

should get a bat-pole.

Nine thousand bucks.


Lowest quote I got.

That's ridiculous.

For basically just putting a pole
where the garbage chute already is,

but the co-op board was like "But
what'll we do with the garbage?"

Yeah, but you
can still throw it down

the, whatever, the same shaft.

I know.

And then you'd
have some garbage to land on.

If you're coming in
hot, I know, it's a win-win.

And you were
gonna pay for it yourself,

no assessment or anything.



Preaching to the choir, buddy.

not your car, is it?

Yeah, why?

- Nothing, just...
- Didn't know they sold those to men.

Yeah, laugh it up, Burt.

I am.

Aaaaaaaawwww shiiiiiiiiiiit!

Burt it's too fast!

Too fast!

No such thing.

Yes such thing!

Slow down!

Don't you
wanna help your friends?

I don't care about them!

Yes you do.

You just pretend you don't,
because you're afraid of --

Dying in this frickin car!

Emotional intimacy.

Oh my God, you --
You are such an asshole!

Lana?! Lana, we're
coming to help, where are you?!

- Heading north on the FDR at...
- 60th!

Getting shot at by your damn Cubans!

Which is totally not cool!


Tell her to keep going north!

Doesn't matter, we can't catch
them, we're all the way acrawww shiiiit!

We'll catch 'em.

I know a shortcut.

Wh-? How?!

I did a TV
series here called Hawk.

I forgot about Hawk.

He was part Indian.



Now it's officially a chase!

You know what your problem is?

My pants are wet?

You only see
your mother as your mother.

But she's also a person.

She has hopes, dreams, fears... needs.

Don't make it weirder!

Not sexual needs
-- well, maybe those too--

but personal, professional, all the
stuff that makes a person who they are.

And until you -- oops, hang on.

Holy shit, Burt Reynolds!

Hey, if you'd pay attention
you might just learn something here.

I'm sorry, I can't
hear you over the sound

of my giant throbbing erection.


How bout now?

It's gone, I'm all ears.


Because my point is...
oh wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this.

See wh -- no!

Burt noooo!

Please don't do this.

Oh shit!

My pants are now literally wet.

And my point is,
until you can look at your

mother and see her not just as your
mother but as a person, a real person...

you can't grow up.


Food for thought.

And if I were you I'd come to terms
with that, because I plan on seeing

a lot of her.

And uh, by "a lot of her"

I mean --
I get it!

But I guess you're outta luck, because
we had a -- Bet. God damn it.

Now whaddya
say we have some fun?

- Whatever...
- Oh my God, not the van.

Will you please!

Drive straight!

No, serpentine, serpentine!



- Herroh...
- Holy shit!

It's Burt Reynolds!


Now watch what I do right here.

Yeah duh, I only invented it.


Nice to meet you, Hal Needham.


Ha haaaaa!

That was actually pretty sweet.

Uh-oh, looks
like we're in danger of a

- frown turning upside-down...
- Cut it out, that tickles.

Burt c'mon, seriously, cut it out--
Burt watch the goddamn road!

Oh shit.

Sorry about that.

You should be,
that was totally irresp --

Wait, was that the same footage?

Thanks, Burt!

Anytime, darlin!

- But uh, you probably wanna go ahead
and slow down... - Oh, shit!

Krieger, braaaakes!

I am!

They're not doing anything!

A round must've
cut the brake line!

That's okay, I got it!

What do you
mean you gawww shiiit!


Hang on, everybody!

Everybody okay?


No, we're not okay!

Look at vanispheres!

- No, we okay...
- Dont you touch me!

What -- is that a ghost?

No, it's -- never mind.

We're good.

Thank you, Burt.

Oh don't thank
me, thank -- oh, right.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think we
can still make that movie premiere.

You're taking
me to the premiere?!

Leave me for some
hot little twenty year-old.

Well, I'll show him.

I'll go find a ten year-old.

- Ew.
- Yeah, I don't think you wanna do that.

Shut up.

Okay, taxiiii!


Malory wait, I can explain--
Save it!

Nobody wants your, your --
Mother, Burt didn't --

-- mustache rides
around here, buster!


Ugh, listen, Burt
didn't write that note.

I did.

You what.

I know, I'm
sorry, I -- Oww! Oww!

What is wrong with you?!

A lot, actually.

He's kind of a mess.

- I am too, look at me, raccoon eyes...
- I think

you look beautiful.

And I, for one, would love to
walk you down the red carpet.

And I, for one,
would be delighted.

Have a good time, Mother.

And I honestly mean that.

Oh blow it out yer ass.

Burt Reynolds
is so freakin awesome.

yeah he actually kind of is.

And, I for one, am gonna go watch
Hooper and masturbate til my fingers


Just tape 'em up.