Archer (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Heart of Archness: Part II - full transcript

Archer finally agrees to head back to Isis. Unfortunately as he boards Riley's plane to head back, their plane is attacked by pirates and they soon find themselves on an island run by pirates, and Archer is crowned their new pirate king.

ARCHER: C'mon Cyril,
beat it, get outta here.

ARCHER: This meeting's
for field agents only.

MALORY: Which brings me to item one.

We don't have enough field agents to
effectively run our covert operations.

Especially since this one went
and got himself paralyzed.

GILLETTE: Yeah that's me, Mr. Selfish.

MALORY: More like Ms.

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm
promoting Cyril to field agent.

LANA: What?!

GILLETTE: Do what?!

ARCHER: Hey, that sounds
great, best of luck.

MALORY: Where do you
think you're going?

ARCHER: Oh, sorry, I gotta get back
to Earth before the Stargate closes.

MALORY: Get back in here!

ARCHER: Mother the
chevrons are locking!

LANA: And Cyril is utterly, laughably
unqualified to be a field agent!

Some offense.

CYRIL: Some taken.

MALORY: Well, none of you were
qualified when you first started.

And you've already given Cyril some training...
ARCHER: Which ended with a dead

hooker in my trunk!

CYRIL: No it didn't!

ARCHER: It easily could have!

LANA: Malory, you can't just --
MALORY: End! Of discussion.

And since this meeting is
for field agents only...

GILLETTE: You're taking
me out of the field?!

MALORY: Well, unless we need someone
to go undercover as a shopping cart.

GILLETTE: [annoyed sigh]

MALORY: This is Roma¡n Calzado, the
notorious Colombian drug lord.

And hopefully an infusion
of much-needed capital.

LANA: Since when are we bounty hunters?

MALORY: Since the DEA's budget
was gutted by all those federal

spending cutbacks.

CYRIL: Which is ridiculous,
given the current economy.

The most efficient way to
decrease the budget deficit is

to increase tax revenue, through, um...
MALORY: Cyril don't make me

regret this decision.

CYRIL: Sorry.

MALORY: And if you were in my
tax bracket you wouldn't be

spouting that socialist propaganda.

ARCHER: Or wearing such shitty clothes.

The reward is a million dollars!

LANA: Exactly, and how many drug users
could be treated with that money?

MALORY: Who cares?!

LANA: Seriously?!

ARCHER: Lana, they'd just go buy a
million dollars worth of crack with it.

LANA: You don't give them the money.

ARCHER: You can't, they'll
blow it on crack.

LANA: Oh my God.
MALORY: No they won't, because it'll in the ISIS bank


Because you're going to get
Calzado, dead or alive.

And Cyril, dress appropriately, you'll
be helicoptering into the jungle.

CYRIL: Coool...
MALORY: Oh, and this whole thing reminds me...

Pam? Nine AM Friday morning, all ISIS
employees will take a drug test.

PAM: Nkay.

MALORY: And knock off
that damn beatboxing!


Last week it was freestyling.

ARCHER: Yes, this LZ!

You dumbass!

Where we are right now!

In twenty four hours!

And you better be here!

What a dick.

LANA: Well he's probably
just under a lot of stress.

Since he's our only way out
of th stupid jungle! Dumbass!

CYRIL: Seriously...
ARCHER: Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.

CYRIL: Ms. Archer said dress for the tropics!

ARCHER: Tropics or Busch Gardens?

CYRIL: Hey, ya know what?!


LANA: Heckle?


Between us and Calzado's fortified
compound there's about

ten clicks of jungle that I just assume
is one giant booby-trap showroom.

So shut your dickholes, get your gear,
shut up again, and start walking.

Any questions?


CYRIL: What's a click.

ARCHER: Yeah you say that all
the time and I never know what

you're talking about.

I'm assuming it's a sound of some sort?


PAM: Swear to God, first thing Friday
morning we all gotta pee in a cup -

GILLETTE: Which I can't even do...
y'all PAM: Cleaning out my freezer

last week, found a big bag of skank.

I guess I brought it back from Jamaica, but --

just a pot test, right?!

PAM: No, stupid.

All drugs.


I call 'em grooving bears.

PAM: How bout you, Ironsides?

You rollin dirty?

GILLETTE: Umm... Possibly.

PAM: Well then we're all screwed.

KRIEGER: Talking about
the drug test, huh?


KRIEGER: Well -- What if I told
you I had a way to beat any drug

test in the world.

PAM: Are you telling us that?



What is it?!

KRIEGER: I call it... Krieger-Kleanse.

It's an herbal tea, all-natural,
and it's guaranteed to rid your

body of all traces of
any illicit substance.

PAM: Well here, gimme gimme give it!

KRIEGER: Ah ah ahh!

I literal - figuratively scoured the
globe for these special herbs,

at no small expense to myself.

CHERYL/CAROL: Ugh. How much.

KRIEGER: Hundred bucks each.

EVERYBODY: [ Complaining ]

KRIEGER: Or you can save your
money, and try your luck in the

current job market.

Non-sequential bills, please.

ARCHER: Well then why
not just say kilometer?

LANA: Because shut up.

ARCHER: Jungle ziiing...
CYRIL: So it says here that

Calzado isn't even the head of the
whole operation... LANA: Cyril.

CYRIL: He's actually just a distributor
for somebody named La Sombra.

The Shade?

LANA: Cyril.

CYRIL: No, I bet in this
context, The Shadow.

LANA: Cyril.


Hey, what's your problem?

LANA: My problem is I don't
want a thousand of steel balls

to shred my genitals.


ARCHER: Claymore mine.

Full of steel balls that fly a
thousand meters - or one click -

a second, right at dick level.

CYRIL: Jeezy petes...
LANA: Or ass level, which in your case would also

take off your head.

So quit reading and pay attention.

CYRIL: But there's a lot of useful
stuff in here, organizational charts,

inventory and cash-flow analyses...

ARCHER: Of what, possible
outcomes with a twenty-sided die?

CYRIL: Well you don't need
a spreadsheet for that...

ARCHER: Yeah and you don't need
one to know you're gonna suck at

being a field agent Cyril.

So why do you wanna be one?

CYRIL: I dunno, I just wanna feel
like I'm a part of the team, ya know?

I guess I wanna...
feel like I matter more.

ARCHER: Wow, not afraid to dump out
your purse in the jungle, huh?

Okay Cyril, then lesson One-A.

In a potentially hostile environment,
like this, the key is total situational


CYRIL: Okay...
ARCHER: You look, you listen, you smell.

And you remember to check your six.

CYRIL: My six what.

Is that my gun?

The old six shooter.

ARCHER: Oh my God, a clock
Cyril, It means behind you.

Because the last thing you want
is -- Uh Lana, hold up a sec?

LANA: Archer we don't have a -- Cyril?

ARCHER: Yeah, that's
why I said hold up.

LANA: Archer!

ARCHER: Don't yell at me, I looked away
for literally literally one second!

LANA: Well where the hell did he go?!

ARCHER: I dunno, it's like... he just...
LANA: You're looking for

Predator, aren't you?


LANA: Couple things.

A, he's invisible --
ARCHER: Not totally, he has a telltale shimmer.


LANA: And B, lower your frickin voice.

MAN: Á¡Oye!!

Manos arriba!

ARCHER: Is that Cyril?

MAN: ¿Quien es?!

ARCHER: No, it's not whimpery enough.

LANA: Cyril! Cyril!

God damn it.

ARCHER: Well, look on the bright side.

LANA: Which is?

ARCHER: Which is what?

LANA: What's the bright side?!


That's a figure of speech.

ARCHER: All I'm saying is there are a
million green rectangularly reasons to

complete the mission, and
zero reasons not to.

LANA: You mean besides
Cyril getting captured.

ARCHER: Yeah! Besides that.

And if Calzado's men got Cyril, we'll
rescue him when we get Calzado.

Problemo solvedo.
LANA: What if it was F.A.R.K.

or V.E.L.N.

ARCHER: Then we'll use some of the
million dollar reward to pay his ransom.

So shut up, Cyril's going to be fine.

Unless a tiger ate him.

LANA: Tigers don't
live in South America.

ARCHER: Well at least one does because
I just heard its spine-tingling roar.

LANA: That was a jaguar, dumbass.

ARCHER: Thanks, Marlon Perkins.

I think I know a tiger when I hear one.

LANA: Every time, your big fat
mouth get's us caught, every time.

ARCHER: Not every time,
like a third of the time.

And a thousand bucks
that's a tiger Lana.

CHERYL/CAROL: If this doesn't
work we just paid a hundred

bucks for liquid fart.

PAM: Yeah, well here's
shit in your eye.

GILLETE: Oh god, it tastes
worse than it smells.

PAM: Man, if I had a nickel for every
time I heard a guy said that,

I'd have eight nickels.

LANA: Archer, I swear to
God if you don't shut up.

ARCHER: I'm just saying if it comes
down to that, and I hope it doesn't,

there's no sense in us
both getting raped.

CALZADO: Fernando, our special guests
must not be injured in any way.

ARCHER: Uh, does that include
rape related injuries?

CALZADO: Of course.

No one is going to rape you.

What is wrong with you?

LANA: We're scared.

We're just tourists, see,
and our car broke down.

CALZADO: So the assault weapons and plastic
explosives, why do you have these?

ARCHER: O.: yes, let me explain.

Busted, we're arms dealers.

CALZADO: No, I think not.

I Think you are hunting Roma¡n Calzado.

In the hopes of a
million dollar reward.

ARCHER: O.K. yes, busted again.

But I think now we're
kinda rethinking that.

CALZADO: So, if I give you two
million, will you go away

and say you never found me?

LANA: I -- Oh my God, totally yes.

ARCHER: Then we give mother a
million and you and I can

split the other million.

Calzado, you've got yourself a deal.

CALZADO: Excellent.

But of course I was joking.

Obviously I can not allow you to live.

ARCHER: No, yes you can.

CALZADO: Or choose not to, whatever,
besides, throwing money away like that

would not please el contador.

LANA: El contador, doesn't that mean.

CYRIL: The accountant, si.

ARCHER: Cyril?!


LANA: No he said cereal.


CYRIL: Cerealas.

El quiere desayuno.

CALZADO: And people in
hell want ice water.


CYRIL: Pardon.


I'm gonna die in a toilet stall
just like the gypsy said.

PAM: Damn that Krieger.


GILLETTE: Well, we don't
know it was the tea.

PAM: Aagh!

Who the hell are you?!

GILLETTE: I'm your friend,
Pam, I'm -- Pam?!

PAM: You're not my friend, you're a Decepticon.

How are you both still alive?!

The floor is lava!

The floor is lava!

KRIEGER: Clinical trial thirteen.

Subjects' responses are
exceeding expectations.

GILLETTE: Pam you're melting!

You're melting!

CHERYL/CAROL: Because the
floor is lah-vuh-huhhhh!

PAM: Must! Kill! Decepticon!

KRIEGER: Oh, which reminds me:

call Terry.


ARCHER: The tiger says... RROWWR!

ARCHER: The tiger also says you
owe me a thousand dollars, so -

LANA: No! I don't!

Because I didn't bet!

ARCHER: The welsher says...
CYRIL: Psssst!

ARCHER: No, that's a snake.

CYRIL: Oh boy, am I
glad to see you guys!

LANA: Cyril, what the
hell's going on?!

ARCHER: Are you a drug
dealer now, or...?

CYRIL: What? No!

And you guys aren't gonna
believe what happened!

I had, um, gastric distress, or whatever,
so I was just gonna duck off the

ARCHER: And you remember to check your six.

CYRIL: My six what?

CYRIL: Before I knew what was happening...
Oh man, right in my new pants!


CYRIL: Hellooo...
HENCHMAN:! Manos arriba!¿!

Quien es?!

CYRIL: And I only had a second to answer,
so I thought, what would Lana do?

ARCHER: Not Archer?

CYRIL: No, I had to outsmart them.

ARCHER: He said, suddenly too big
for his shit-caked britches.

LANA: Archer.

CYRIL: And then it came to me!

Uh... quien soy?

Soy el contador!

Enviado de La Sombra!

Donde esta¡ Calzado?!

ARCHER: What's a La Sombra?

CYRIL: Calzado's boss, don't
you remember the dossier?


LANA: Yes.

But, what about the gunshot?

CYRIL: Then they brought me here, and
I bluffed my way through the rest...

CALZADO: La Sombra did
not say you were coming.

CYRIL: Well, I assume he did not want to
give you the time to cook your books.

CALZADO: I -- that -- I
swear I don't do that!

CYRIL: Well, then you are a fool.


CYRIL: You pay La Sombra sixty-four
cents on every dollar you make, no?

CALZADO: Mmmmas o menos, pero...
CYRIL: I can get that down to thirty cents,

and he will never even know.

CALZADO: Si?! Pero como?!

CYRIL: You just leave
that to me, amigo.

CALZADO: Wait, what's in this for you?

CYRIL: We split the
difference, of course!

But first I need some clean clothes.

This is not mud all over my pants.

It's caca.

LANA: Holy shit, Cyril!

ARCHER: Literally.

CYRIL: Yeah, really kinda wish I'd
skipped the diarrhea part...

LANA: Forget that, you did great!

CYRIL: Really?

ARCHER: It figuratively kills me to
say this Cyril, but yeah, you did.

LANA: So now what, what's the plan?

CYRIL: Oh. Well, I was hoping you
guys could come up with something.

And ideally before tomorrow at dawn.

ARCHER: Why, what's --
CALZADO: What is going on here?!

CYRIL: Ah, amigo!

I was just mocking this giant
negress and her sissy sidekick.

CALZADO: Yes, they are ridiculous, no?

Are the accommodations to your liking?

ARCHER: Honestly?


You shouldn't even keep
animals in these conditions.

Look at them.

Cement floors, steel bars, no room to
run around, nothing to play with...

CALZADO: Ah, I think perhaps you
are confusing this with a zoo.

ARCHER: I think, maybe, it's
all these exotic animals.

CALZADO: Yes, exotic
animals for me to hunt.

LANA: You hunt them?!

How can you do that?!

CALZADO: Like this.

ARCHER: God damn dude.

CALZADO: But you see?

Even the majestic Bengal
tiger is too easy to kill!

It's boring!

Which is why tomorrow at dawn,
I will be hunting the most

dangerous game in the world!

ARCHER: Jai alai?


ARCHER: What?!


So sleep well, amigos!

I want you rested and
strong for tomorrow!

Venga, Senor Contador, cenamos juntos!

CYRIL: So yeah, try to think of a plan!

LANA: Well, go ahead and say it.

ARCHER: Say what.

LANA: How since we're gonna die in
the morning we should have sex now.

ARCHER: After seeing a
tiger get murdered, Lana?

No offense, but I'm not
really in the mood.

If you want, I can watch
while you masturbate.

But I can tell you right now
my he's not gonna be in it.

It will be with that tiger's family.

But, go ahead, start.

CALZADO: And so begins the hunt
for the most dangerous game!

CYRIL: Hooray...
LANA: So what are the les here, exactly?

ARCHER: Lana be still.

CALZADO: You get a
thirty-minute head start.

Then El Contador and I, just us,
alone, will track you and kill you.

CYRIL: Uh, uh... oh!

Can they split up?

CALZADO: Ehhh, sure, why not.

CYRIL: Then I propose a friendly wager.

We each hunt one of them, and the first
to kill his quarry is the winner.

CALZADO: I like this idea.

But which --
CYRIL: I get the woman called it boom!

CALZADO: I -- alright,
since you called it.

¡Oye! Cochino...
Okay, let's hunt some humans!

LANA: Go go go go gunngh!

Are you really that selfish?!

ARCHER: Apparently!

KRIEGER: Clinical trial
thirteen, update.

As hypothesized, after
mind-shredding hallucinations,

subjects B and C have lapsed into deep
unconsciousness... Subject A, however,

remains at large.

Begin clinical trial fourteen...
CYRIL: Lana? Lana.

Where the heck is - shmmpf!

LANA: Don't scream, it's me.

CYRIL: Oh thank God, I thought those were yeti hands...
LANA: Never gets old.

But good idea back there,
getting everybody to split up.

CYRIL: Thanks, yeah, I figured you'd know
to head back to the, uh, LZ thingy --

LANA: Which we've only got
about an hour to get to so --

CYRIL: -- and I figured once I
found you we could work together

to rescue Archer, capture
Calzado, and escape.

LANA: Ya know, you don't
actually suck at this.

CYRIL: Really?

LANA: You're thinking tactically, making
quick decisions... and I gotta tell

ya, confidence is pretty damn sexy.

CYRIL: Reeally...
LANA: Theoretically.

CYRIL: Sorry.

LANA: Okay, you're doing pretty well
so far, so what's the plan, rookie?

And sooner would be better than later.

CYRIL: Yeah, Calzado's
on a darn threewheeler.

Can you believe that guy?

LANA: Who, the drug-lord who
hunts humans for sport?

CYRIL: I know, but that's just lame.

LANA: Cyril?

CYRIL: Uh, uh, okay, so we have to assume
Archer's heading back to the LZ too,

but he can't possibly outrun Calzado...
LANA: Yeah, neither can we, so...?

CYRIL: We don't need to outrun him!

Just Archer!

LANA: What?

CYRIL: Come on!


Oh eat a dick, jungle!

Cover it with malaria and leeches,
sprinkle some dengue fever on it,

and eat a big goddamn jungly dick!

Yeah, you do that, and I'll just wait
here for a bask of Orinoco crocodiles to

wander by and eat me.

Oh great, that's probably them now,
tearing around on specially-equipped


Wait, what the...?

Goddess of the Jungle,
I take it all back!

For when I was thirsty, you saw
fit to slake my thiiiiiirrrrst!

Goddess of the Jungle, you are a whore.

Oh thank God, I thought
you were crocodiles.

CALZADO: Crocodiles?

On a three-wheeler?

ARCHER: Right?

How scary would that be?

CALZADO: Mmm, probably not as scary as
knowing that I am going to cut you down

from there, and then
gut you like a fish.

ARCHER: Well then you're obviously an
idiot when it comes to crocodiles,

AKA the world's most
deadliest predators.

CALZADO: I am the world's
deadliest predator!

CYRIL: Or are you?


ARCHER: Cyril?!

CALZADO: No breakfast for you!

CYRIL: No, that's my name, Calzado.

Cyril Figgis... ISIS agent.

CALZADO: Bastardo mentiroso!


CYRIL: That's right.

And you're under arrest.

Albeit extra-judicially.

CALZADO: Over my dead body!

CYRIL: Well, that can be arranged.


LANA: Hellooo... CALZADO: Ay, caramba...
ARCHER: Wh-? Wait a minute,

was I just bait?!

CYRIL: That's right, Archer.

All part of my brilliant plan.

Lana, get some vines and
tie him up, chop-chop.

LANA: Chop-chop?

ARCHER: Here we go...
CYRIL: Uh yeah, it means hurry?

C'mon, we got a chopper
to catch, tie him up!

LANA: You do it.

CYRIL: Okay, I see what
you're doing here.

Hands behind your back, Calzado.

CALZADO: Make me.

CYRIL: I -- look, she will shoot you!

LANA: No I won't.

ARCHER: No she won't!

C'mon Cyril, go all rogue on him!

CYRIL: Guys c'mon, this
is ridicul -- ungh!

I think I'm gonna be -- ungh!

Yeah, I'm gonna be sick...
ARCHER: Here, maybe this'll help...

CYRIL: Aaagh! My eyes!

ARCHER: Probably shouldn't
have done that.

Not enough left to get drunk on.

CALZADO: Bastardo!

I kill you!

CYRIL: Lanaaaa!

CALZADO: What the hell damn guy.

CYRIL: Oh thank you thank you thank you...
LANA: You're welcome, Cyril.

So, did you learn any
valuable lessons today?

CYRIL: Yes, I did.

ARCHER: Me too.

I learned I don't like being bait.

CYRIL: Owww!

ARCHER: Sorry, Cyril, did that hurt?

Cyril. Cyril.


CYRIL: Yes it frickin hurt!

ARCHER: Yeah, right?

MALORY: What?!

Yes, obviously I heard what you said!

I just can't believe the head of
the DEA has the balls to say it!

Oh, is that a fact!

Oh it is.

M-hm. Yep.

ARCHER: So, uh... How'd that go?

MALORY: Oh, fine.

He was just explaining to me why
ISIS won't be receiving any

reward for capturing Calzado.

EVERYBODY: [ What?!]

Because apparently there's
no proof that we did.

LANA: We literally
handed Calzado to them!

MALORY: And in return, did they hand
you a signed receipt for the prisoner?

ARCHER: No, they -- oh.

LANA: Oh, shit.

MALORY: Mm. So, well done.

Because that's exactly the brand of
unparalleled professional excellence that

I've come to expect at ISIS.

PAM: No no no no nooo!

ARCHER: What the --
CYRIL: Oh, I wish I was still blind.

PAM: You'll never take me aliiiive!

MALORY: What was I saying?

Oh yes, unparalleled...
KRIEGER: Paaaam!

For the love of God, seal the exits!

MALORY: Professional...
CHERYL/CAROL: That's our pee,

and that's the last I
better hear about it.

Because this stupid building is a tinderbox,
and I will burn it to the ground.

MALORY: Excellence.

ARCHER: Oh hey, speaking of excellent,
did you hear we met a tiger?!

But he got murdered.