Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Double Trouble - full transcript

Mm, Sterling Archer.
The world's most dangerous spy.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

No? Well, do you know that I fell
in love the moment I saw you?

Really? With who?

Oh, you silly man, who do you think?

Well, I don't know.
There were a lot of guys there.

Not when I was finished.

Oh.

- Well, then, it was just me and you.
- Me and you.

Oh, I like the way that sounds.

Me too. Me, and you, and...



Hello.

What in the name
of pre-paid venereal disease...

...do you think you're doing?

I, um...
Darling, I know she is old...

...but you allow such talk
from your secretary?

His what?
She's not my... No.

Katya, this is
actually my mother.

And, Mother,
this is Katya Kasanova.

She saved my life in Moscow,
she's former KGB...

...she wants to defect and
become an ISIS agent and she's...

Mortified. I beg your forgiveness.

I'm sure you do.

And don't you want to freshen up
after your long ride?

Phrasing, Mother.
Sorry, Katya.



It's fine, please excuse me.
My Mother's...

Check the break room.

Maybe you'll get lucky
and find some Wetnaps.

And you.
Go see Krieger this instant.

What...? I don't need a doctor, Mother.
Katya doesn't have VD.

You haven't had sex with her?

Ha, ha. For your... That was pretty good.

I want Krieger to x-ray
that tiny brain of yours...

...because obviously the Russians
put another chip in it.

What? No, they didn't.

Then you're as dumb as you are stupid,
because best-case scenario...

...that Russian tramp wants to con you
into marriage for a green card, and...

Hah!
Why doesn't everybody come in here?

It's okay. We can hear from out here.

With our earballs.

I don't think you need to worry
about Archer getting married.

Hey, you know what?

He will, if he ever meets
the right girl but...

What was I,
the wrong one?

Oh, you know what I mean.
Do I?

Doesn't matter,
because worst-case scenario...

...that woman is a KGB double agent.

Mother, she saved my life. She's not a...

Oh, yeah, okay, I see what's
happening here. You're both jealous.

What?

It's understandable from you, Lana...
Hah!

...but from you, Mother,
it's kind of creepy.

First of all...

I think it's a little weird...
Right?

- That a KGB agent
wants to come to ISIS...

...when Krieger's finishing
his secret project.

She killed, like, 10 Russians
to save my life.

So trust me,
she's not interested in Krieger's project.

No, trust me, I am very interested.

Well, I probably shouldn't show
you this, but I'm totally going to.

Right? Almost as cool as my van.

- Dr. Krieger, this is amazing.
- I don't know about all that.

But this technology could forever
alter the balance of world power.

If you're into power,
let's go down to my van...

...because "Red Barchetta"
through a 10-gigawatt preamp is...

Wait, please tell me
you're into Rush.

Oh, the only rush I know is my love
for your comrade, Sterling Archer.

Womp, womp.

But, surely, a brilliant scientist
like you, how is it you are single?

Eh, I almost got married once.
Church, reception, I had it all lined up.

Really?
Yeah, but...

Krieger-san.

My cherry blossoms are wilting.

But "society" couldn't deal with it.

Katya's not trying to con me
into marriage.

I mean,
she did move in with me but...

What?
She's living with you?

Which is funny, why?

Because if I recall...

...you kind of have a problem
sharing your space.

Lana, what are you doing?

Brushing my teeth.

In the sink?

Where should I do it,
in the toilet?

I mean...
Ugh!

Well, whatever. And shut up. And if you
don't make Katya an ISIS agent, Mother...

...I will quit ISIS.

Here, drink this.
You're talking crazy.

No, thanks.
I promised Katya I'd quit drinking.

Speaking of, where is she?

No words.
My words have failed me.

Well, then, shut up.

So, what do you think?

Oh, sorry,
I thought you said shut up.

And yet you talk.

But I'll just bet Nikolai Jakov is so jealous
of my, ahem, friendship with Len Trexler...

...that he planned this whole thing.

Of course I did not plan the traitor
Kasanova's defection.

But I had to tell the party chairman
it was part of my master genius plan.

Because the traitor Kasanova
knows too much.

More like Lemon Party
chairman.

So I must ensure she never tells the
West what she knows, or I will get...

Egg on your face.
Ugh!

More like bullet in my brain.

No, you have actual egg on your face.
What? Unh!

Is why party chairman
kept doing this. I hope.

Shut up, idiot,
and help me think.

Don't worry, I have actual genius plan
to solve Kasanova problem.

What...? Well, what it is?

If I tell you all at once
your head might explode.

Along with comb-over.

Katya, baby, you in there?

Katya.
Unh! She's not in here, dumbass.

And this deuce ain't gonna drop itself.

Unh! You realize I can never unhear that
sentence, Pam. And why are you crying?

Because I got ripped
in a bar last night...

...and I was trying to beat my record
for cramming pool balls in my mouth...

...when some A-hole
slaps me on the back...

No. You swallowed a pool ball?
I wish just one.

And I still got two to go,
so if you don't mind...

Wait, Pam, I had a...

Damn, what was it? Um...

Something about stripes and solids?

Speaking of, would you describe your
relationship with Katya as solid or...?

Uh, Cyril, you know
what's solid? This wall.

Oh, yeah, so is the floor, my fist.

Um. Oh, Cyril. The butt of my gun.

Okay, I get it.
Do you?

Oh, yes. No, believe me, doctor,
this is all very interesting information.

Yeah, it totally is.

What the hell is going on in here?

My God, Krieger, why not just give
her the project on a floppy disk?

It's way too big for that.

No, I just wanted...

A green card?

Or a big parade in Red Square
when you come back to Moscow...

...with our top-secret project.
Aah!

What the hell?
No, darling. I wasn't doing anything, I...

Oh, for God's sakes, Lana,
have some pride once in your life.

I know it just kills you
that I'm in love with Katya...

First of all...

Especially since you
and I had sex when I had cancer.

- What?
- What?

It's okay,
it was just cancer sex.

But it's over, Lana. Get on with your
life, and let me get on with mine.

Well, at least you got
some closure.

Which is more
than I ever got.

Oh, you are just
your mother all over.

Darling, please,
I just want to leave.

No, Katya, don't you see?
That's exactly what Mother wants.

So you.
Can you hack into the KGB servers?

Does one ring rule them all?

One ring? I don't know...

No, don't engage him.

From there it's all just Orcs
and Gollums and Balrogs.

Okay, pull up
Katya's KGB personnel file.

But, darling, I...

Hush, it'll show you've been disavowed
by the KGB, and then Mother will...

Yes, gasp,
because she'll be so...

...confused. Katya, what...?

No, Katya, wait. Katya!

How long until Mother sees this?
Okay. Ow.

And that kind of depends.

Oh, shit.

Wait till everybody sees this.

Oh, shit.

Ha-ha-ha. "Penetrate deep."
"Destroy from within."

Oh, shit.

So you fake Kasanova's file,
those fools at ISIS hack into it...

And then we beginning
Phase Three.

Wait, what is Phase Two?

Phase Two is I want promotion.

Damn those KGB pigs.

Faking my file
so that everyone here thinks that I am...

A double agent.

Darling, I swear, it's a fake.

Just what a double agent would say.
Stay back.

Darling, don't make me shoot you.

Hey, I'm kidding.
Baby, come on, will you relax?

Although, that is what you'd say
if you were a double agent.

But I'm not.
How can I prove to you?

You don't have to. Look at me.

Even if you were, I wouldn't care.
Aah. Really?

Yes, really. Katya, I love you.

But you're not though, right? Awesome.
No.

Once we explain it all to Mother,
I'm sure she'll say...

Shoot her.
Wha...?

Katya, on your knees, hands behind
your head and toss out that weapon.

Although not in that order.
Hey, not in any order.

Mother, this is all
just a huge misunderstanding.

I am not a double agent.

Just what a double agent would say.

Ugh, we've covered that. Mother, listen.

Lana, shoot her.
That is an order.

- Oh. Sorry, Archer.
- Lana, no.

I'm sorry, darling.

Wait, no, no, no.
Ow, ow.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry I had to do that, darling.
Please don't hate me.

Are you kidding?

I've never been this turned on
in my entire life.

That little bitch.

Don't worry, she won't get far.
I'm locking ISIS down, top to bottom.

It's pound, pound, six,
pound, five, two.

Duh.

Pound, pound, six...
You're hitting star.

Security system off-line.

Damn it.
Restarting, in...

Oh, here we go.
...10 minutes.

- Damn it!
Ha-ha-ha.

I bet Mother was hitting star again.

Ha-ha-ha.
But, darling, where will we go?

Anywhere but there.

Because as sexy as it was
shooting at Lana...

Just her weapons.

If I wanted to hit her, I could have.
Well, yeah, she is huge.

And what about
helping me escape?

What if they think
that you are double agent?

Come on, they may think
I'm a lot of shitty things...

But he is not a double agent.
Are you retarded?

Oh, he's an idiot and a shit bird.

Well, then, how do
you explain this?

- Yes.
- Uh, bad parenting?

That was taken outside the parking
garage not five minutes ago.

After Slutya Slutsakova did this.

After? Why didn't you
lock down the building?

Security system restarting in five minutes.

You were hitting star again.

Zip it, you two.

Because it kills me
to say this...

...but Sterling's obviously been flipped
by that Russian whore...

...so we have to treat them both...

...as double agents.

Yes.
Even her?

For God's sake,
are you hearing yourself?

He's your son, not a...
Ray, she got him to quit drinking.

So, what's the plan?

Sterling will go
to ground...

...but he'll need to pick up
his bug-out bag, so...

Woodhouse? Listen very carefully.

Goddamn, Woodhouse,
are you deaf?

A bit, yes, but I'm afraid
I know nothing about this.

What was it?
My bug-out bag. It was right here.

It's a calfskin Hermès grip...

...and it's full of fake passports
and mustaches.

Oh, and 200 grand in cash.

And, uh, calfskin, you said? Aah...

Do you like to travel?

If you don't find that bag...

...I will empty the entire contents
of your body...

...and use your leathery skin
as a replacement.

I shall check my sewing room.
Wait, his what?

But even with money and passports...
And mustaches.

- Where will we go?

If ISIS thinks you are double agent,
we can't stay here.

And if we go back to Russia...
Russia?

Look, no offense, but standing in line
for beets and toilet paper...

...isn't my idea of a good time.

Ah, is not so bad. You take crossword,
you catch up with your neighbors.

Neighbors. That's it.
We'll go to Canada and work for the...

Wait, does Canada
even have a spy agency?

Yes, but...
Wh...? Why?

It's Canada.
Don't you see?

Wherever we go,
someone will always be hunting us.

So let them hunt.

Katya, we're the two
best secret agents in the world.

So nyet promotion...

...because you still have not solved
my Kasanova problem.

Hang on, hasty pudding.

- Pitch is out, I can't hold altitude.
- What?

I can't hold it, she's breaking up.

Barry Dillon, ODIN agent.

A man barely alive.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

We have the technology.

We have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.

Barry Dillon will be that man.

Better than he was before.

Better, stronger, faster.

This is amazing.

Can we actually create
such a thing?

Can and did.
I green-lit the project way back.

So about that promotion...

I want to see this Bionic Barry.

Well, then, you'd better pack a bag.

And what brings you
to New York, Mr. Berg?

Business or pleasure?

Oh, pleasure. Definitely pleasure.

Alrighty. Well,
welcome to the United States.

Thanks.
Or shalom or whatever it is we say.

Because I'm one step
ahead of you.

Like always.

And we'll always be
one step ahead of them.

No matter who's hunting us.

Even if it's... Oh, I don't know,
a criminally insane cyborg.

So, um, comrade Bionic Barry,
can you solve my Kasanova problem?

Yeah, probably.

If I knew and/or cared
who and/or what that was.

But since I don't and/or do not...

...I'm going to kill
and/or murder Sterling Archer.

Wha...? Nyet! Archer may be my son.

Well, too bad, because you've sown
the wind, and now you shall reap...

...the Barry.

I said don't take
the bridge, dickhead.

- Hail, Mary, mother of...
- Unh!

Reset the f****** meter.

Oh, God.

Actually, you know what?

Let's, uh, put a pin
in that promotion.

Darling, please. Forget the bag.

We need it, and...
Hey, what about this?

Canada's got casinos, right?

They could be here any minute.
Who, ISIS?

Baby, come on,
remember who we're dealing with here.

And here we are.

I swear, if anyone saw me
in this awful van...

How could they,
with this illegal-ass window tint?

This van's, like,
rolling probable cause.

So all ashore from the S. S. Date Rape.
Toot, toot.

I'm serious, Woodhouse,
either find that bag or a Magic Marker...

...so we can draw where the zippers
are gonna go on your body.

Afraid I haven't seen
a Magic Marker either, sir.

Bit of a mess in here.

Was this my billiard room?

At one time, yes, but I needed a place
to sew your suits, you see, so...

Eh.
Uh...

Sir?
It doesn't matter, Woodhouse.

I'm leaving. Go nuts. Hang a bunch
of Georgia O'Keeffe posters.

But, sir, you can't leave.
Your mother...

Can also hang.

Woodhouse, for the first time
in my life, I'm in love.

And nobody, especially Mother,
is gonna ruin that for me.

You're serious, aren't you?

Woodhouse, I quit drinking for her.

Just that one.

I'm scared if I stop all at once...

...the cumulative hangover
will literally kill me.

Well, if you truly
love Ms. Kasanova...

...I'd like for you to have this.

Whoa. Wait, is that...?

No, I guess it wouldn't be Mother's.
No, sir, it was her mother's.

Bub?
Darling, we really must go.

Um. Hang on, just doing something.

Ugh. Please don't make him
into a suitcase.

I'm not.
But, Woodhouse, I need my...

Did you have that the whole time?
Yes, sir.

Well then, goodbye, Woodhouse,
and you're fired.

Uh, technically,
your mother is my employer.

Really?

Who do you think's been paying my salary
all these years?

I just thought you were...
Well, slave's not the right word, but really?

Mother pays you?
Yes, sir, and...

Sterling, dear.

Wha...?
Aah!

She also
has her own key.

If you come out to the living room,
I have a surprise for you.

That's the same thing
she said when I was 5...

...and I spilled grape Tang
on her stupid flokati rug.

What was the surprise?

Apparently, how bad a Ping-Pong
paddle hurts on a tiny, bare ass.

And so...
But, darling, are you sure?

Yeah, it hurt like crazy.
No, no, about this, about us.

Katya, I swear,
I've never been more sure about anything.

Then I am with you. All the way.

But no shots center-mass.
Just try to wing them.

Oh, and Woodhouse?
Uh, yes, sir?

Totally being sarcastic
about the Georgia O'Keeffe posters.

Do not do that.

Okay. Coming, Mother!

Shit, I'm out.
I am also out.

Uh, actually, so am I.
Dukes, me too.

Me too.
Seriously?

Is anybody hit?

I'm all good.
Uh, no, I'm fine.

Huh. Not really the explosive climax
I thought it was gonna be.

Is nobody gonna
touch that? Seriously?

Not just yet. Because I lied.

I still have one in the chamber,
and it's got your name on it, missy.

Mother, no.

I know you're having
a disturbingly hard time with this...

...but I am in love with Katya.

Damn it, Sterling, she's a double agent.
I swear to you I am not.

The KGB faked her file, Mother.
Oh, whatever.

Although...
Yeah, it is the first thing they'd do.

That's like
Counterintelligence 101.

But then why was she taking notes
about Krieger's secret project?

Oh, sorry.

I knew I forgot to mention
something, and it was this.

Um...

Darling, I told you that I fell in love
with you when we first met...

...but I am afraid that was a lie.

Called it.
I fell in love with you long ago.

Because this man, Sterling Archer...

...is Russia's most dangerous enemy.

And he is the man I will marry.

So all this time, you wanted...
To marry you.

So when Dr. Krieger told me
that he already paid deposits...

...with florists and caterers, and that
his wedding would never happen, I...

Krieger-san, you promised.

We will talk about it in the van.

Well, since it sounds like I don't
have to help with the wedding plans...

...Katya, will you marry me?

A thousand times, da.

Awesome.

I thought I'd be dead
long before this day ever came.

Actually, hoped.

Oh, shut up, you old sourpuss.

Because this day has come, Mother.

We can get married right here.
Really? Ha, ha.

Well, not "here" here. On the terrace.

Oh, thank you so much for coming.

Oh, and I just love your hair.

I hate it. I look like a whore.

And you made it all look
so beautiful, Woodhouse.

Thank you, thank you.
Uh-huh.

But don't thank him,
it sets a bad precedent.

And, plus, we still need a priest, so...
How about a disgraced former minister?

- What?
- What the shit?

Long story, kind of boring...

...but I am still licensed by
the state to perform marriages...

...the irony of which is not lost on me.

Yeah, you wanna know
what's really ironic?

Barry?
Yes, Barry, hi.

And what's ironic is Archer,
besides sodomizing my fiancée...

What?
Only by the strictest legal definition.

- Threw me off a roof, twice.

Dropped, Barry.
And how are you not dead?

Because the Russians turned me into...

Oh, my God.
That's awful.

- The unholy abomination of metal fused
with flesh which now stands before you.

They have this technology?

- Eight years on my secret project, wasted.
- Hey, whoa, Barry, don't...

Yeah, so back to the irony,
now I'm gonna throw you off the roof.

Wow, Barry,
you're, like, super strong.

Did I mention I was a cyborg?
You did.

Can somebody shoot him?
Dukes.

Archer, we're out of ammo.
Well, I'm not.

And if anyone's
going to ruin my son's wedding...

...it'll be me.

What part of "I'm a cyborg"
are you people still not getting, exactly?

Uh, core concept, I guess?

No, wait, Katya, no.

Yes, I will save you, darling.
No, no, no, don't. Katya!

- Archer!
- I love you!

No!

Yeah!
One-for-three off the roof, bitch.

Ha-ha-ha. Whoo!

Oh, Katya, no!

No, no, no!

Why the...?

Why the hell are you crying?

That was my van.