Archer (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - White Nights - full transcript

A Finnish sky-diving enthusiast hits Ray in the eye and steals his mission (Dukes!) Ray will be unconscious for an hour...does he not know how BAD that is for him? Ray reports back to ISIS where the general discussion turns to a steamy, 40-year affair between Malory and Nikolai Jakov. Malory thought her affair was secret...then, she remembers Pam. But, Pam isn't fazed; apparently, there is this new thing the kids are doing called shuttin' the damned door. If Malory wants both whipped creme and privacy, she had better get "with it." The gang learns Archer is at the dreaded Lubyanka Prison; Nikolai threatens all sorts of pain if Archer does not pass his test. For $250,000 and other valuable consideration, Barry Dylan agrees to infiltrate the KGB. Barry might not be a lawyer but he understands "assumption of the risk," as all previous missions with Archer have cost him the figurative arm and leg. Archer and Barry "hang around" Russia with KGB in lukewarm pursuit. When one of them goes dumpster diving and the other is trapped in an elevator, the entire mission is looking lose-lose. KGB hottie, Katya Kazanova, wants to go to America. Can Katya use her assets to extract an asset and save his ass? Is Nikolai a 'baby daddy'? Is there anyone at ISIS (or KGB) who does NOT know about the infamous whipped creme incident?

Not once, not ever, has he
volunteered for a dangerous mission.

And now, all of a sudden, he's like,
"Let me go"?

On a night jump in the freezing-ass cold
to kill a Finnish double agent? Please.

So I'm like, "Yeah, let Archer go."

But she's like:

"Ray, it's your mission, and that's final."

But why?

Because, just between us gals
and the C-130...

...I think she used to screw, ick,
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB.

I know, right?

I think Archer wanted this mission
so he could cross into Russia...

...because he thinks Jakov
might be his father.

Y'all know me, I'm no gossip, but that
is some scandalous-ass shit right there.

What? Dukes. Unh!


Hey, if it's any consolation,
you were right. Oh.

And, uh, by the way,
try not to be unconscious too long.

It's super bad for you.

Hey, thanks, guys. Just tell my mother
I pulled a gun on you, all right?

This is to share. Look at me. To share.

You nut.

Okay, I got my fake documents, plenty of
cash, so the crossing should be a breeze.

Drive to Saint Pete, grab a latte,
then 400 miles to Moscow...

...putting me there right about the time
Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB...

...comes home for his borscht,
only to find an unexpected dinner guest.

Who may be his son.
And for dessert, we will have the truth.

You hear that, Mother?

After a lifetime of your secrets and lies,
we will finally have the truth!

Oh, and also, hopefully,
shitloads of vodka. Woo-hoo!


Chief, why's the door still...?

Wait, don't tell me he just now jumped.

Like, just, just now?

You know he missed the drop zone
by like eight miles?

Jesus. He give you the money?


What an asshole.


Okay. Ahem.

Uh, hey.

I was, uh, asking if this was
the, uh, Finnish skydiving club.

Which, judging by your response,
I, uh, assume it's not, so, uh...

Hey, so, guys, listen...

What an asshole.

He did what?

Well, for starters, this.

Good God.

That's a broken zygomatic bone.
Plus, I was unconscious for an hour.

Ooh, really?
Which is super bad for you.

Super bad. Have you seen a neurologist?

Have a CAT scan tomorrow.
Unless it's in Russia, you better cancel it.

Well, it's obviously not, and what?

The mission you failed
was on the border.

And I think Sterling might be trying
to cross into Russia.

Why would he...? Oh, is this about
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB?

I... Who?

"Who?" Nice.

The man you've been having
a 40-year affair with?

What are you talking about?

Sex, baby, let's talk...

Zip it, LaMotta. And even if
I did know what you're talking about... do you know
what you're talking ab...?

- Pam!
- I'm not eavesdropping.

Get your bloated carcass in here.

What's up?
You disgusting little sneak.

Have you been going through my desk?

Okay, A, nobody cares about
your big knobbly vibrating eggplant.

B, sometimes I work late...

...and C, there's this new thing the kids
are doing called shutting the damn door.

Forty ounce in my lap
And it's freezing my junk

Shut up. Shut up.

Then I put whipped cream
all over everything.

And then you know where this goes.

Oh, shit, really?
Yo, ew!

Talking about the whipped-cream

Does everyone know about it?
Not everyone.

Just us, Krieger.
Really just, you know, the core group.

Pam, I should have you flensed.

And what in God's name
do you people want?

More rubber cement.
And SIGINT said to give this to you.

Uh, radio chatter about an American agent
the KGB caught parachuting into Russia?

Oh, guess who that is.

Yeah. Hey, where's Archer?

Probably hanging by his Achilles tendons
in some KGB hellhole.

"Caught at border, taken to Vyborg"?

Ray, get your purse and take some Midol.
You're going back for him.

Mm, according to these notes
from my doctor, a radiologist...

...and my new neurologist,
I am doing no such thing.

You little... Okay, then.


Start at the KGB field office in Vyborg.

If he's not being held there,
go to St. Petersburg...

...and if he's not there,
you go straight to Moscow.

Wha...? Of course undercover.

As what? Russia's only black woman?

Damn it.

I can't have this getting blabbed
all over the agency, but...

Oh, God,
someone has to go rescue my son...

...before he talks to Nikolai Jakov.

Well, that someone
needs to be fluent in Russian...

...and a couple of contacts in the KGB
wouldn't hurt.

Mm, could, um, this person be
from outside the agency?

No, no, no.

Oh, I know you two have had
your differences in the past.

Uh, differences? Uh, ha, ha.

You remember
that he shattered my femur, right?

Which is why I'm in New York, by the way.
I need all new pins put in it.

And I'm sure that must be...
Oh, and he sodomized my fiancée.

You're still together?

Oh, I'm sorry, ex-fiancée.
That's what I meant to say.

Well, then it wasn't meant to be.

I... I don't even know how to respond.

What is meant to be is your going
to Russia to bring back my son...

...before he does any damage.
Or more damage.

One million dollars.
Well, you can divide that by four.

Come on. This is your son's life.
And my money.

Fifty now,
200 when you bring him back.



I'll do it on one condition.


Lana, please.
I'm not having sex with Barry.

You did once.
By accident. Mostly.

And you were about to when you thought
it would get you my job.

That was for work. And this is just for...

Uh, Archer.
His life may very well depend on it.

Oh. But he's such a douche bag.
I know, dear. But he's also my son.

Not Archer.

Well, also very much Archer.
But I'm talking about Barry.

Who is, in fact, sitting right here.

So you wanna do it on the desk or?

Where you wanna knock this out?

Ugh, wherever.
After you bring back Archer.

No, no. Before.

We're doing it before.
After. Non-negotiable, Barry.

Then can I bring you back anything
from Moscow?

Maybe some nesting dolls of my penis.

Sterling's already in Moscow?

According to ODIN's guy in the KGB,
which, as a real agency, we have.

We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.

Yeah, so I hear.

- Damn that... Pam!
- I'm still not eavesdropping.

Well, don't just stand here.

Sterling's probably being tortured
as we speak.

Don't worry, he's a high-value asset.

I'm sure they're treating him just fine.

Ahem. So, uh, yeah.

Kind of wishing I'd taken my training
more seriously now.

Which is, uh, pretty rare for me. Hi.

I swear, I'm just a Finnish
skydiving enthusiast who...

Shit, why am I speaking English?
With an American accent.

Maybe because you're Sterling Archer.

Who? No, no.

You know what I bet happened
is all the shocks damaged my frontal lobe.

The brain's language center?

I think not.

Okay, we wait some test on you.
So now I take coffee break.

Uh, none for me. Have a nice break.

Ten minutes. I drop kids off at pool.

Psst. Hey, comrade.

Hey, stupid.

Oh, my God, Barry, I... Holy shit. Barry?

You're in the KGB?
I... No.

No, dickbrain.
Your mother's paying me to rescue you.

Oh. How much?
Quarter mil.

Plus, smell that.

What am I smelling, Barry?
Nothing yet.

But you wait.

Um, okay. Uh, until then, do you have
some sort of escape plan or...?

I thought I'd shoot you in the face,
smuggle you out in a coffin.

Uh, how about something
a little less sarcastic?

Uh, or less stupid?

Lesson one...
Don't "lesson one" me.

Always hide in plain sight.
Unless you've got a better idea.

Uh, I might, maybe.
I mean, it depends on him.

Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB?

Yeah. He might be my father.
Wh...? Ha, ha.

That's why you're in Russia?

Yes, and if you tell anyone,
I'll murder you.

Now shut up while I go confront
my putative father.

You backstabbing, two-timing harlot.

While he's in such a good mood.

I know you have been sleeping
with that mudak, Len Trexler.

Oh, like you're Mr. Monogamous.

Wha... For 40 years, kroshka,
you are my only woman.

Well, I didn't know that.

Do you know your son is here
in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?

Yes, that's why I'm...
And that I am now awaiting results...

...of DNA test to establishing paternity?
I thought they just wanted my hair... their scientists could unlock the secret
of its luxuriant fullness.

Touch it, Barry.
Uh, no.

Go ahead.
It's not that thick back here.

If he is not my biologic son,
I will put, personally, a bullet in his brain.

Nikolai, please, I...

So, what do you think are his odds?

Well, I guess maybe 1 -in-3.

Yeah, no, I do not like those odds.

So, what was your plan again?
I think I remember thinking it was good.

Wait, I... Nikolai?

Oh, my God, he's going to kill him.

Wow, so this is pretty serious, huh?
Well, Archer's being tortured...

...with 2-to-1 odds
he ends up brutally murdered, so yes...

...I'd say it's pretty serious.



Were you talking about
we're out of rubber cement?


What is wrong with you?
Bitch, I got ants all over me.

Who cares about your glue withdrawal?
Jeez, what if Mr. Archer gets killed?

Yeah, right. My luck's not that good.
Aah. Ew.

Did I say "good"? I meant "fantastic."

Roll it down.
We're hiding in plain sight.

Roll it down.
For all of...

What did we get, Barry, like six blocks?
Roll the goddamn window down.

Afternoon, comrades.


What the shit, Barry?
What? We don't have any peppers.

Or earplugs, you idiot.

You know how bad that is for eardrums?

I said, do you know...?
I'm kidding. Drive the damn car.

Unh. Idiot.

I'm sorry. What was that?

I said, um, how's, uh, your ex-fiancée?

"How is she?" I don't know, you tell me.

Well, gee, Barry, what's French
for "deliciously depraved"?

Ask your mom!
What's that supposed to mean?

Was that not self-explanatory?

It means, best-case scenario,
you have no idea who your father is.

Worst case, he's head of the KGB.

Well, at least I have a father, Barry.

Does...? Are you implying my mother
gave virgin birth, or what are you...?

No, Barry. I was implying that...

Actually, I don't know what I was implying.
I just said it.

But I think we may have a problem.

Aw, you think?
Yes, Barry, that's why I said it.

Kill them.

Barry, wait, slow down.

So I can go past you.

Has anyone ever told you
you are profoundly self-centered?


No. Nikolai, please, do something.

Kroshka, he kill two military police.

So even if he was my biologic son...

lf? But were the DNA results...?

Sample was contaminated.

Huh. Who do Archer think he is?
Only guy who want father?

Under very suspicious circumstances.

Out! Get out!

I'm sorry, Malory.

Even if he is my son, it is too late.

I cannot help him.

Uh, you could help, you know.
Yeah. So, now, uh, what are we doing?

Running for our lives, Barry.

I thought that was fairly obvious.
Yeah, yeah, but up that high thing?

Unless you wanna stay here.

Wow, uh, a lot of fears
kind of coinciding here.

Aah! Who taught you women
how to shoot?

It's just I'm not super big on heights.

Here we go.
Ever since you threw me off a balcony.

First of all, I didn't throw you off anything.
I dropped you.

Oh, yeah. After I begged you not to.

After I begged you not to rip my suit.
I was clinging for life.

Yeah, to the silk-lined sleeve
of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket.

You know what...?
Oh, and a bespoke Turnbull & Asser shirt.

Which you also ruined.
You ruined my life.

Oh, that is bullshit.

How would you phrase the fact that you
crippled me physically and emotionally?

Not that, crybaby.
This. The door's locked...

...and, um,
that way's not looking too good.

Wait, wait, wait, Barry. There.

We'll jump it.
Uh, no, we won't.

You got a better idea?
Hang on, hang on.

No. No, it's gone.

Oh, shit!

- Ow.
- Now, see?

This is why I did not wanna do this.

So, Barry, looks like the whole find-out-
who-my-father-is thing isn't happening... now I wanna get out of here.

So I'm thinking
that we probably should split up.

No, no, no, please.
Archer, your boots are slipping, man.

There's 200 pounds of asshole
hanging off them.

One eighty-three, fat boy.
Whatever. Tell that to my silk socks.

Why are you wearing silk socks?
Is that a joke?

Archer, let me climb up you.

Please, Archer.

Barry, buddy, this is happening.
Archer, no.

Try to aim for that Dumpster.

Bye, Barry.

Dead center. Good work, Barry.

Oh, for... Why don't you just go
to my house and take all my clothes?

You shoot like old women.

these people can't hit anything.

See? Huh, was that so hard?

Ow, ow, ow.

What is this, a broken-glass factory?

Uh, secret police.

Those cannot be your only shoes.

What am I saying? It's Russia.

I bet people come from miles around
just to have their picture taken in those.

Piece of... How are you a superpower?

Okay, so here's the deal.
I'm commandeering these shoes.

But I'm giving you this coat, so, uh...

Hi. How you doing? Sterling Archer.

Sorry I can't stay for dinner.

I assume that smell is cabbage
and not just you two.

Make me.

Eh. Nice apartment.
Thank you, comrade.

Shut up. You're under arrest.


Don't even think
I want Jakov to be my father.

He's really got a temper.

Oh, that is bullshit.
Who would break in to this shithole?

Come on. He's on the roof.

Which is apparently a soldier factory.

Sterling Archer.

The world's most dangerous spy.

So they say.

You don't look so dangerous now.

Think it's because I'm in loafers?
They're not mine.

What is loafers?

Hey, it's a versatile shoe.
Works with a turtleneck, obviously, but...

And I'm seeing this more and more.

- I really like them with a casual suit.

Ahem. So, what do you guys think?
Loafers and a suit, yea or nay?

No? Oh, you're more of
a lace-up crowd, huh?

How? How is this happy playtime?

Ow! Ow!

Use your imaginations.
Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.

Ow! Ow!

What the hell?

Split up.

Did I just blow your mind? Huh!

Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Uhn!

What, you hear machine guns and decide
now's a good time to take out the...? Oh.

Oh, that's groceries.

I'm sorry, I thought it was garbage.

Uh, here, take this.

Get a welder to cut the top off that
and, bing, new umbrella stand, huh?

Because hate to do it to you,
but I'm commandeering your vodka.

- We square?
- Halt.

Are we square?

Ow! Ow!

Nice extinguisher.
Thank you, comrade.

Shut up. You're under...
Arrest. Bam!

My collar.

Really rethinking that tetanus booster
right about now.

Rethinking a lot of things.

Like taking the elevator.

Not very green.

Although, I do have 3 pounds of glass
in my feet.

So this is how game ends for you.

That's it? No lovely parting gifts?

We will send flowers.

To your mother.



There was nothing I could do.

My poor baby boy.

The doctors say that even if he
did not already have pins in that leg...

Wait, what?

- They could not have saved it.

Oh, for... Jesus. Did you even try?

I am sorry, Mr. Archer.
Goddamn it, I'm...


That's what I said.

Nikolai, don't you see?

Sterling doesn't have any pins in his legs.

I don't...

Then if that is not Sterling, where is he?

- I am, if you'd hang on a damn minute.
- Come on.

We don't have all night.
Like you've got plans.

Goodbye, Mr. Archer.

**** you, you douche bags.

Um, thanks. Uh...

- Hello, Mrs...?
- Miss.


Katya Kazanova.

Hi. I'm, uh...
Sterling Archer.

Sterling Archer of... Yeah.

Do you not wonder
how it is that I know your name?

Well, I assume
I'm pretty famous here, so...

I am KGB.
Oh. Oh.

Well, then why did you...?
I want to help you escape, Sterling Archer.

But only if you will promise me
one thing.

Take me with you.


Super glad I didn't wet my pants.