Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - Out of Network - full transcript

Archer seeks professional help but IIA's health plan is murder.


I don't want any,
and/or I didn't do it.

Damn it, Edith.

I'll stop throwing trash
off my balcony

when the co-op
installs a garbage chute

per my written request.

Hey, Archer.
I'm here!

And here is
where you're supposed to be?

Wait, did you
forget you invited me over?

I remember
not doing that.

Probably because
you've been making

a lot of drunk promises lately
and empty threats.

Suggest that again,
and I will literally kill you.

Okay, well, last night,
you invited me over

for a brunchy hang.

One, that's a phrase
I would never use,

like "shoot to wound,"
and two...

- You're already inside.
- Yeah.

The green eggs and Pam
are getting cold.

The "Pam" is ham.

To what do I owe

this opposite of pleasure?

Hey, Archer,
I'm here for the...

The brunchy hang,
which is what we're doing.

That I don't
remember suggesting?

- Yeah.
- And even

at my most drunk,
wouldn't invite cyril to?


And here's everyone else
you invited!

Hey, big guy.

Let me guess...
brunchy hang?

Oh, god, no.

We're here
for the intervention.

Oh, yeah!
It's also that.

God damn it, Pam.

Who wants
some cheesy grits?

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from

- Ah!
- So...

Wait, wait, wait.
There's still juice in here.

Now, what's
this about an intervention?

It's not
for your drinking.

because if anything,

I'm getting better at that.

It's an intervention

for whatever's
causing your drinking.

- Thirst?
- But under that.

- Boredom?
- But under that.

with your gentle tone?

Enough holding
his damn hand!

Archer, ever since malory left,

you treat us like shit,
you spy like shit,

and you're gonna
get us all killed.

Please, I spy great.

Just last week,
I took down a drug kingpin.

that is not what happened.


That's for giving
drugs to kids!


We don't know
what's in those inhalers.

We know two kids
had asthma attacks.

Well, I for one,

think this intervention
is unnecessary.

Thank you, Krieger.

I mean,
why convince a man to change,

when I think cut out the chunk
of brain causing the problem

and replace it with nanobots
that I control?

Can you cut out
the part of five brains

that are clearly jealous
of my skills?

- Happy to try.
- You think we're jealous?

- We're worried.
- And frustrated.

And would it
have killed you

to visit me in the hospital?

'Cause that snakebite
you caused almost killed me.

I'm pretty sure
that was a tapir's fault.

You found it.
Don't blame the tapir.

There's a way these things

are supposed to go.

I made a list of the ways

in which your behavior
has hurt me.

I've had to cover for you
on missions,

lie for you at the office,

olive oil, carrots...
Toe cream?

Did you get bored and start
making a grocery list?

Cheryl usually proofreads
my speeches.

Are we gonna try to get her
to come back, by the way?

One crisis at a time,

Then go handle
that crisis.

- I am fine.
- Not until you agree

- to see a therapist.
- Uh, agreed,

- because I already do.
- What? Since when?

Ever since mother retired.
I was a wreck.

I needed help.
I got help.

Oh, what happens now?
Do we still tie him to a chair?

That's the main reason
I came.

If you're seeing
a therapist...

Hmm, how do I phrase this

Why are you still
such an ass on an ass?

Well, Dr. Lacania says

the process of unpacking
my traumas can be destabilizing

before I see improvement.

Plus, we're dealing
with a lot...

Impulse control,
abandonment issues, PTSD...


Holy shit snacks.
Archer's in therapy.

Brain chunks,
snip-snip, think about it.

No one even tried
my potato salad.

It's a secret family recipe.

Is the secret
way too much dill?



I am so proud of you.

It's been a tough year,

but knowing
you're putting in the work,

it means a lot.

I'll log your therapist
with iia.

Having it on record should help
if there's any blow back.

What's her name again?

- Dr. Lacania.
- Jesus!

As far as you're
concerned, yes.

Why are you on my screen?

Wait, can you see
what's on my screen before?

'Cause I just sat down.

I don't know
how all these tabs are open.

I have thousands
of employees.

Tapping into their screens
saves time

and helps me avoid
smelling you in person.

Your loss.

I saw your report
that agent Archer

is seeing a therapist.

Let me guess,
iia doesn't approve of therapy?

Quite the contrary.
Mental health is as essential

- as physical health.
- Oh, sweet.

That said,
agent Archer's therapist

will be immediately executed
by iia assassins.

What? Why?
She's out of network.

It poses a security risk

and puts an unfair burden
on the iia health plan.

You read the health plan,
didn't you?

I skimmed it.

I'm afraid
it's out of my hands.

Better luck next therapist,

How much of that did you hear?

Iia's gonna kill
my therapist?

Okay, good,
you heard the main part.

Not to repeat myself,

but god damn it, Pam!

I'm sorry!
How was I supposed to know

the iia kills
out-of-network therapists?

those co-pays are murder.

I'd wiggle my eyebrows,

but my forehead's still
paralyzed from spider venom.

is it just therapists?

What's about dentists?
Dr. Beck is the only man

I trust to handle
my porous teeth.

That's where I come in,

and haven't we all wondered,

"why do we have teeth
only in our mouths?"

Oh, yeah.

Looks like you and your
crumbly teeth are out of luck.

Who cares?
Cyril can get new teeth.

I can't spend a year explaining
my thrilling yet complicated

back story to a new therapist.

And you won't have to,

because we'll help you
save her.

Is that a royal "we"?

Because this is not
part of my job, okay?

I keep my head down,
and I put in the work.

But it is your job
to work with me,

which will be
even more impossible

if my therapist dies.

What would that
even look like?

We're on a clock here,

I'll help you to help me.

Dr. Lacania
would call that

a transactional relationship.
It's not great,

but it's a start...

And it won't
be enough.

Jesus, Max headroom.

I'm working.
I'm working.

I just came in here
for this grenade.

Uh, my lucky grenade.

call off the hit.

It's out of my hands,

The assassination order
already went out.

Your therapist is as good as...

You know,
some of us do work on those.

- Nerd.
- Fabian's wrong.

- We'll save her.
- Will we?

Every time we go up
against iia, we lose.

- They're always one step ahead.
- Which means we need

to stay one step ahead
of that step.

- Krieger, what do ya got?
- Hmm, my first idea

would be to breed
a half-human, half-dolphin.

Next idea.

Well, I can hijack

the connection fabian uses
to tap into our monitors,

allowing us to monitor
all iia body cameras

and know exactly
where their assassins are.

But I'd need eyes
on all the monitors...

living eyes.

I mean, obviously,
I've got jars of eyes.

Ray, cyril,
help Krieger.

- Fine by me.
- Now listen.

This is our
most important mission ever.

We're not just
saving my therapist.

We're saving my mental health
and by extension, the world.

Let's add delusions
of grandeur to your list

- of issues.
- Said the man

who needs therapy
more than any of us.

I need therapy?

Oh, that's rich.
You know who needs the therapy?

The guy who says
someone else needs therapy,

- which I guess he's getting.
- Try it now.

- Damn it, Krieger.
- In my defense,

I knew that would happen.

Behold... every camera
in the iia network.

I call it "spy wall."

A lot of toilet cams
on spy wall, huh?

I don't place the cameras.

- I just hack them.
- Hey, either of you

- ever try therapy?
- Ew... just physical.

I was born well-adjusted.

The scientists
made sure of that.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I don't think

I need it.
I mean, I'm not that unhappy...

More scared than unhappy.

I'm more unhappy than scared.

Hey, maybe we could

talk about it... not as therapy,
which we don't need...

- Just informal guy talk.
- Well, that takes

- all the pressure off.
- Hard pass.

If I wanna swap traumas,
I will join a fight club.

Let's do that too.


- They already have her.
- Not for long.

Your brain doc is about to see
some brain damage.

Wait, wait, wait.
Dr. Lacania says always

to knock, even in an emergency.

Hold it right... there?


She calls you sterling?

She calls me by my name.

And she requires

We've talked
about respecting boundaries.

Sorry, Dr. Lacania.
I can explain

and pay for the door.
Can you guys give us a minute?

Also, you should probably
look for a new therapist.

Wow, she looks...

like a therapist.

Wearing clothes
and everything.

- And he apologized to her.
- And it wasn't sarcastic.

Guess he's actually trying
to be a better person.

Ray, how we lookin'?

Um, multiple hostiles incoming...

- Technically already there.
- Jesus, ray!

- Thanks for the warning!
- I'm doing my best!

There's a ton of monitors!

And a lot of feelings.

Heads up.
They don't look like

new patients.

And you'll keep going
to therapy, young lady

until you stop having
sex dreams about grave digger,

the monster truck.

- They're over here.
- We gotta go!

- Jesus Christ, Archer.
- Um,

this is why you have to knock.

I knew
you weren't in therapy.

It is always
about sex with you.

This isn't sex.

She's lying
on top of you.

Because she fainted
when I told her

about the assassins,
and I had to catch her.

Believe me, if I was
having sex, you would know.

You're obviously into her.

- Inaccurate phrasing.
- But also true.

- Wait, what?
- The infamous Lana,

- I presume?
- Infamous?

You come up a lot.
It's mostly bad.

In our first session,
sterling admitted

his attraction to me.
We discussed it

and decided working through it

would be a good exercise
in establishing boundaries.

And having
vivid sex dreams.


- Probably time to go.
- Right.

We need a new exit.

No, you want
a new exit.

You need to respect
my personal journey.

I can't respect you
if we're dead.

How convenient for you!
See what I deal with?

I have a suggestion.

My office used to be
part of a larger suite.

We remodeled,
but kept the door.

Damn, you're good
in a crisis, doc.

My patients
are always in crisis.

Ray, are we clear?


But where does
the fear come from?

when I was a child,

my father trained show dogs.

Cyril, shut up!

- Lana, you've got incoming.
- Yeah, I know.

We dodged them.
Keep up.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Then these assassins

must be outside
a different door.

Well, they're in the
right office to get new teeth.

As long as
they're in-network.

You focus on the mundane

to avoid contemplating
the barbaric nature

- of your work.
- Oh, my god.

We don't have time for this.

My apartment's
a few blocks away.

- We can crash there.
- Wouldn't it be better

to go to a safe house?

Well, my place isn't exactly

an official, legal residence

or zoned
for human habitation,

so it pretty much
doesn't exist.

That sounds good to me.
Plus, I definitely want to see

Pam's place.
That's got to be a shit show.

I guess Krieger's
cameras will let us know

if they're on to us.
Ray, I need a safe route

- to Pam's.
- Well, I need legs

made of meat,
but life's not fair.

All right, you're gonna
take your first left...

I'm sorry.
Don't take that.

- Take your second left.
- All I do is work...

Office lab, home lab, sea lab,
where the only law is science.

Well, at least
you have a passion.

I live in constant fear
that someone will ask me

- to do my job.
- But is it really

a passion if it's also work?
I mean, where's the "me" time?

Will you two shut up?
My god!

"I'm sad.
I love being

a mad scientist too much."
try walking in my shoes.

Spoiler... I have to buy
new ones every three weeks,

because are shoes
aren't made for metal feet!

And I've offered you

tank treads
like a billion times.

I had the worst childhood
and adulthood imaginable,

and you don't see me
crying about it,

because I got it under control,

- unless I see a porcupine.
- Why a porcupine?

Who are you,
the therapist I don't need?

Whoa, wow,
a brough superior ss100?

This is what killed Lawrence
of Arabia.

This is your apartment?

Yeah, pretty sweet, huh?

I used to come to raves here.

Then one morning,
I woke up on the floor

with an empty bank account and
a deed scrawled on a napkin.

Best decision
I didn't know I was making.

Pam, you might be

the first completely
psychologically healthy person

- I've ever met.
- Yeah, but some of us

- are pretty close, right?
- Uh-huh.

Do you think
it's psychologically healthy

to fish for compliments?

Lana doesn't like therapy.

Hey, I never said that.

I just don't love the idea

of a person who knows
everything about you

and can use that information
against you...

Not that I have trust issues.

Pam, why do you have underpants
with the Swiss flag on them?

Those aren't Swiss.

Those are, uh...
they're from the red cross.

They're defective.

Anyway, mi safe house
es tu safe house.

I'm gonna check the back door.

And I'm gonna ride
like Lawrence,

but without the dying part.

So you heard
a lot about me, huh?

I can't discuss that.

Right, right.

It's just, you only heard
Archer's side of things,

and sure, we've had our issues,

but he has issues
with everyone.

So I think that's unfair
to focus on me

and not Pam,
who is a total enabler,

or Krieger,
who's a drug designer,

or Cheryl... she's the craziest
one in the entire group.

So whatever problem Archer has,
it is probably because of her

and not me.

I'm not taking on
new patients.


I'm sorry.
Just stay in there.

And just so you know,
I organized an intervention

- to help Archer.
- Without

a psychologist present?

Well, no,
but with friends present.

It helped!
You weren't there.

I know what you're thinking.
"oh, Lana, you dumped him,

had a kid with his sperm,
but didn't tell him."

But you only know his side.
What did he even say?

Okay, I know you can't tell me.
So say nothing if it's bad.

Oh, damn!
I knew it was bad!


You're paying for the
things I break with your body!

Since we're done
with therapy,

could you skip to the end and
just say what my problem is?

Sterling, you know
that's not how this works.

Therapy is a lifelong journey
to self-discovery.

But it's my mother,

and I'm sorry

we won't have more time
to work on it.

What is that?

is that a tracker?

Because that would mean...

safe house isn't safe.


These are vintage,
you bastards!

Damn it.
Why didn't you guys

see this coming?


I get it now.
I see every mission

as an opportunity
to disappoint my father,

- even though he's gone.
- And I need to finally

make time for
my prog-rock puppet musical.

And you did it
without therapy.

And we did it
with something better...

- Informal guy talk.
- Which is like therapy,

but with fewer credentials,

and a completely random
success rate.

All right.
Whoopsie Daisy.

Wait, what?

I think we lost 'em.

You thought that
at Pam's.

I'm not omniscient,

parasitic symbiosis.

Oh, will you turn it off?

Damn it.
They found us.

Why would they ring
the doorbell?

Obviously to confuse us.

Who's there?

Don't shoot!

- It's us!
- I stand by my choice.

Of course you do.

Where the hell
have you guys been?

And why do you look
like you've been crying?

- Um, iia cut our feed.
- Yeah,

and that made us very sad.

And I'm more
than a scientist!

Everyone, shut up.

We need to get Dr. Lacania
out of the city.

We put her on a train.
It's public, crowded,

and it has multiple entries.

I'm not sure
they'll let me on the train

covered in this much blood.

Yeah, blood's
more of a subway thing.

Archer, are there
any women's clothes here?

Just abandoned bras,

but they're covered
in whipped cream and gunpowder.

The only full outfit
I have belonged to...

Damn, you are wearing
that dress, girl!

This is already

- a very confusing moment for me.
- Why?

Because your forbidden crush
is wearing the dress

of the mother who kept you

in a state of childlike
emotional dependence

- your whole life?
- Oof,

it is a bit tight in the chest.

- Yeah, it is.
- Oh, my god.

Archer has a forbidden crush?

How naughty.

Did everyone hear me
say I'm not just a scientist?

We need to go.

Hang on.
They know what she looks like.

They'll catch us right away.

we're out of time, Lana.

- So unless you have an idea...
- oh, I have an idea,

and yeah, you might think
it's stupid,

- but I believe in it.
- And we believe in you.

If we survive,
we should check the war room

- for gas leaks.
- To the sewing machine!


Well, sewing needles
remind me of porcupines,

but sure.

Sorry for this,
Dr. Lacania,

but I promise
we'll get you out.

I know you will,
and when you do,

I want you to come with me,

because I love you,
sterling Archer.


- You ready for this?
- Are you ready

- to come with me?
- Dr. Lacania...

Please, call me malory.

Ugh, no.
Wh... why?

Well, that's my name,

malory lacania.

What an
unfortunate coincidence.

Not if you forget
your past.

I have seen how you've grown,

what you're capable of, and now
I've seen how these people

hold you back.

I need
to think about it.

Think fast, sterling.

The train's leaving.

I have eyes
on the target...

Taking the shot in three, two...

I have two targets,
two targets... no, three.

Original target is lost.

original target is lost.

Let's do this.

I can't believe
this is working.

I can't believe
cyril sewed five dress suits

- in an hour.
- Before I turned

to espionage,
I was a tailor's apprentice.

Is it too late
to turn back?

- Oh, my god.
- Shit, ray, are you made?

I'm just a little boy
telling my dog she'll be okay.

Just hold on, ginger Rogers!


What the hell is that?

The sound
I've been looking for.

You guys want to be
in a prog-rock puppet musical?

We're almost there.

And it's
almost time to decide.

I know.
There's literally

a giant ticking clock
on the wall.

Oh, hell, screw it.
Tranq them all.

Looks like the needle
is mightier than the sword.

Not, like, drug needle...
sewing needle...


Does anyone have eyes

on cyril?

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

I should've
gone to therapy.

Come on!


you know how to fill out
a dress in all the wrong ways.

The doctor comes with me.

End of the line, sterling.

My mother
called me "sterling."

And you're not my mother.


Was that a breakthrough?

That felt like a breakthrough.

It was gruesome.

can be gruesome.

- Well, we made it.
- And got a new umbrella.

- Deflection.
- Yeah, of darts,

and your question.

I know, it's just leaving...

Would improve
your life forever.

Sure, maybe, but also...

You need me like oxygen?

Mm, not
what I was gonna say, but...

Oh, sterling, listen.

This life is damaging you...
a vicious cycle of violence

leading to anger,
leading to more violence.

We can start a new life,
running a little bakery

on the banks of the rhine

that specializes
in dampfnudel.

You can bring things
into the world

instead of taking them out.

Or we can live
in Norway

and give boat tours
on the fjords.

No, no, no,
just the rhine bakery,

because that is the best one.

That sounds
so compelling when you say it

in that voice.

Okay, yes.
I'll go.

Hang on.

So I'm leaving
definitely on this train,

- possibly forever.
- Wait, you're leaving

- with her?
- What do you care,


- Uh, Mrs.
- Sort of.

And what I care about is

how this would break
your mother's heart.

This agency is her legacy.

Well, maybe I've done
enough living for my mother.

That is... Actually healthy.

You're right.
She's gone.

But the rest of us
are still here.

- Except Cheryl.
- And I know

we're not perfect,
but we're your family...

Us, me, your daughter.

Stay with us, because if you
think running away

is the solution, I promise you,
you'll never stop running.

Could've had
something there.

- You have something here.
- Yeah, an erection.

- What?
- I was gonna have train sex.

Now what am I supposed to do

with this, Lana?

- You'll figure it out.
- Like hell I will.

- This is someone else's problem.
- Okay, Archer.

Ideally, two someones.

Okay, Archer!

Made in Georgia.