Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Episode #13.6 - full transcript

This is the main vault

of the Global Currency Bank
of New York.

You will retrieve the contents

of this safe deposit box

- Questions?
- Uh, just one jillion.

You want us to rob a bank?

- Yeah, that was the first one.
- Of course not.

How is this not
robbing a bank?

Because we won't use
those words.

Yeah, that'll hold up
in court.

Also, night in general

is kind of a bad time for me.

I have experiments that I need
to feed after midnight.

Not to be
Mr. All About the Rules...

- Hey, there's a first.
- But wouldn't this be crossing

pretty big moral
and ethical lines?

I'm sorry, but Cyril
is rrr... r-right.

Wow, saying that felt
even worse than thinking it.

Yeah, the agency isn't really
in the business

of committing pure crime...

- We're not?
- That isn't espionage-related.

Oh, okay.

'Cause I was gonna say,

we kill people,
like, all the time.

Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.

We'll be in and out,
easy peasy.

Um, that sounds neither easy
nor peasy.

And not that it's ever
a great time to go to prison,

but I have my custody hearing
for AJ coming up,

and they tend to frown
on recent felons.

maybe it's for a good cause.

Like what if there's a baby
monkey trapped in the box?

You could tell us that.
I'm willing to believe it.

Ooh, yes!
Let's say there is

an extremely adorable
little monkey in the box

and that poor little fella
needs to be retrieved

before open of business
tomorrow at 9:00 a. m.

After that point,
I'm afraid it'll be too late

for the little chap,
but I can provide incentive.

If you do this, IIA will give
you back ownership

of the agency,
along with the budget

for the next six months.

- Whoa. Really?
- That would be enough

to get us fully back up
and running.

It sounds good,
but let's see that in...


Well, I'll be damned.

Notarized and everything.

Okay, Fabian.
With my peerless leadership,

we're gonna do this mission,
save the agency,

and when it's finished,
I'm gonna laugh

in your fat face.

Here's to complete,
utter victory.

So, uh, are all of you trapped?



- Yep.
- Yeah...

That monkey is doomed.

-== [ ] ==-

*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 13 Episode 06

Episode Title:
"Bank Run at Mr. Bank's Bank"

Aired on:
September 28, 2022.

So in retrospect,
it would've been good to know

that the vault door
closes automatically

after ten minutes.

Pam, any luck disabling it?

No, but I am...

Totally stuck.

Tell me about it.
These guys won't shut up.

My lower gluteus is about
to, well, I guess really tear,

but whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm fine.
I mean, not really.

So what are we doing?

our leader is incompetent,

I'm this close
to losing my daughter,

and now I'm trapped in a vault
with the most irritating

human being alive.

Uh, comms went down
when the vault closed.

We can't hear them.
They can't hear you.

Oh, I know.
I just wanted you to hear it.

As a leader,
sometimes it's hard to admit,

but I have terrible followers.

Ah, the mark
of a true leader:

Passing the blame.

I didn't invent banks, Ray,

so direct your shitty comments

to the Assyrians
or possibly Sumerians.

Indus Valley also in the mix.

Will you shush it?
There are guards right outside.

But for the record,
a good leader

slips the criticism in
between a compliment sandwich.

Like "Pam, great idea getting
up on the vault,

"but next time, maybe try
to demonstrate

"some basic spatial awareness.

Also, your skin has been
glowing lately."

Yeah, what's up with that?

Are you pregnant or in love?

Ooh, wait, did you drink
a bunch of nuclear waste?

Ew, no.
Definitely not pregnant.

Can we just focus on not going
to jail, please?

I have brunch plans.

You have a point, Pam,
but also brunch

is a stupid reason to not wanna
go to jail, so pipe down.

I have a plan.

Pam, you're gonna drill
a hole in the vault

so we can reestablish

with Lana and Cyril.

you hack the intercom system

with an emergency announcement
to cover the noise.

Gillette, while all the guards
are distracted,

you'll be free
to exit the closet,

find the security grid,
and disable it for Krieger.

Now I'm gonna go head

into the executive offices

to find an override code
for the vault.

And also find more booze
that you just ran out of?

You know,
I was being nice before, Pam.

Your skin doesn't look

- that much better.
- What?

You are a monster,

Fine, getting a drink
is a secondary part

of the plan,
but I'm only being responsible.

I'm about to be sober for
the first time in ten years.

If that hangover hits head-on,
my bones will explode.

Krieger, you ready to hack
into the sound system?

doing this behind my back,

but I'm pretty sure
I got the right jack.

On my mark.
Three, two, one.


It may not have been
the right one.

God damn it.
Everyone, just go with it.

Is it really that bad?

I still just mostly hear
my ears ringing.

Thanks, tinnitus.

Okay, security control room,

that should be better labeled.

Stop right there!

Whoa, whoa, hold up.
I work here.

It's my first day.

Is that how you say hello,
with a gun?

Pretty much.
Better safe than sorry.

if you were any more safe,

there'd be a bunch of holes
in me.

I meant safe for me.

So can you show me around?

I still haven't seen
the security grid setup.

Sure, but it's all pointless.

I don't know why these
dinosaurs are so worried

about their precious
physical dollars and cents.

Money is an illusion.

That's an interesting take
for a bank security guard.

Not really.
I've seen things here.

The suits, the architecture,
the green paper...

It's all symbolic,
like marriage and seagulls.

Wow, you are covering a lot
of ground here.

So do you smoke grass
or are you a narc?

Yes to the first,
no to the second.

You guys doing all right
down there?

Uh, yeah. Not so great.

We found the safe deposit box,
but we can't get it open.

And Cyril miraculously

hasn't sucked all the air
out of the room

with all
his stupid hyperventilating.

This is a very small space.

Nice work, just Lana.

Ugh, when the door closed,

I was in the middle
of a strategy call

for AJ's custody hearing
with my lawyer.

Ah, well,
my friend who's a lawyer,

which is why she's taking
my call at... -45?

Crap! We need to hurry!

Don't worry.
We'll get you out.

Then you can get back to making
your friends' lives miserable,

and I'll be on time
for my brunch.

We'll be trapped in here
till we die,

our bodies decaying
on the floor.

Aw, come on, hon.

That's not true.

They'd remove our bodies
way before they decayed.

And don't think of it
as trapped.

It could be kinda nice, right?

Just one person
for the rest of your life?

You know, it kind of feels
like we switched subjects here,

but do you think the best
audience for that kind of talk

is the lady
whose ex-husband is fighting

for control of her daughter?

- N...
- And is locked in a vault

with her feckless

- N...
- And whose

other ex-boyfriend

got her stuck in here?

Can I say no now?

You better.

God damn these young execs

and their green juices.

Doesn't anyone have the decency

to be drunk at work anymore?

Wait, kombucha has alcohol.

"May contain trace amounts
of alcohol."

May? Trace?

Two words that should never be
near alcohol.

Mm, except on Cinco de Mayo
or with Dick Tracy.

Or both.
Man, that'd be a kick.

Archer, I got out!

Those strippercize classes
really helped with my shimmy.

You truly are
a Renaissance woman.

Though I should say,
my knowledge of that era

mostly comes
from historically-themed

- pornography.
- And I would like to see that,

but, uh, not seeing
much progress here.

I'm a little fuzzy.

I think that hangover's
on its way.

Would you get your head
in the game?

If we don't get out of here,

we are risking
a hostage situation,

civilian casualties,
and prison.

And I'll miss
my 8:30 brunch reservations.


What kind of psychopath
has brunch at 8:30?

That's breakfast, Pam.

We can and will argue
about that later,

but what do we do now?

God damn it, there's only
one person who can help us.

what was I laughing about?

Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

Hey, neck bones.

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was someone else.

- Their legs don't work.
- We need your help.

Oh, and by "we," do you mean
your longtime colleagues

who couldn't be bothered
to reach out to their boss

after she was humiliatingly

Yes, totally fair,
except you weren't the boss,

I left a bunch of messages,
and you quit.

Oh, who's to say what is?

we're stuck in a bank,

and we need you to open
a VIP safe deposit box

to get Lana and Cyril out
of the vault.

Okay, pretend
to be an eccentric,

out-of-touch oligarch.

you don't need to pretend.

You are those things.

Ooh, and this will be
a great opportunity

to use my self-taught
demolition skills.

No, no, no, no.
Don't bring bomb...

Well, that went something.

see if you can help Krieger.

I'll be down as soon
as I possibly can. Out.


Thank the Kentucky gods.

A lesser man might find
this humiliating,

but a man such as I...

Eh, forget it.

Oh, my God.

That's the best drink
I've ever had!

Who the hell are you?

Oh, sorry. Was this yours?

Whoa, Susan.

You must know Mr. Bank.

Hi, Susan.
Yes, I'm Mr. Bank.

And I work at a bank.

Sometimes I wonder,
"Is that a coincidence,

or did the name Bank create
a subtle psychological pressure

for me to work at a bank?"

Either way, I do my job

all the time, and I do it well.

"You can bank on Bank,"
I always say.

Yeah, he does overseas stuff,
so he has weird hours.

Probably why y'all haven't met.

How do you know this guy
if it's your first day?


We're old pals.
I got him the job.

He's been going
through a rough time

with all the embezzling
and prostitution

and mild cannibalism.

Don't worry, I went to rehab
for all of that.

Who hasn't?

So is there any reason

you guys smell
like a hacky sack convention?

Is there a reason
you smell like a narc?

- Is this guy a narc?
- No way.

In fact, I bet he'd love
to hear your theories

about alien infiltration
of the World Court.

She's been telling me
all about it on our way

to the security control room.

I, for one, think the aliens
have been a positive influence.

You know what?
That does sound fascinating.

- I'll join you.
- Wonderful.

You know, you two are just like
the sons I would've had

if I hadn't predicted
that end-stage capitalism

would make it impossible
to support a family

on my salary.

Amen, sister.

Guys, my entire body
is going numb,

and not in the fun way.

Stay strong, buddy.

Just focus on all
the weird science shit

you'll get to do
when you get out of here.

no holding back anymore.

I'll expose all the truths
"science" is too scared

to admit.

Oh, boy.

Ugh, still nothing.

Why don't you
hire an actual lawyer

who can talk to you
during normal business hours?

Because then I wouldn't get
to do this.


Oh, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!

I have bars!

Shh, I'm on the phone.

Hey, sorry I lost you
when we got locked in the, um...

Uh, in the tunnel.

You were saying?

Convicted of a crime?

No, never. No.


Let the bank robbing begin!

No, no.

That's not what he meant.

Girl, you're hilarious.

Me robbing a bank?

Oh, could you even imagine?

But hypothetically,
how bad would that be?

So here we are
at the security controls.

This switch controls the grid
in the lobby

and this is the executive
offices upstairs.

This one's for the grid
surrounding the main vault.

How does it operate?

If I wanted to turn it off,

would I just do this?

Thank nonexistent God
in made-up heaven.

Oh, we can't do that, sir.

Hang on, wait a second.

If all this is symbolic anyway,

it really only matters
if people think it's there.

But me getting fired

isn't symbolic.

But we'd save money
on electricity.

Not worth me starving.

Less electricity,
less global warming.

Don't put that on me.

It's not my bank.

Would you just stop?


Oh, you really love that gun.

I'm old, and I need leverage.

If any of these are turned off
for more than a few seconds,

the master alarm goes off.

Well, that's just...

actually really good to know.

Well, I have to go fill out
some legal forms because...

Oh, my God, I just realized
my name is totally stupid.

- Did you catch all that?
- Yeah.

You really stuck it to Ray
with the name thing.

You should be nicer to him.

I meant the part about
how if we turn off the alarms,

we're screwed, but I also hear
what you're saying about Ray,

and no.

Krieger, what happened?

It's all good.

Just injected myself
with a paralytic.

Can't feel nothing now.

You carry that on you?

God, all of this is going
so wrong.

I should just walk out.

No, stupid Pam.

- You can't commit to anything.
- Whoa, Pam.

What is going on with you?


I just really wanna go
to brunch.

Hey, turn off your comms.

Is that really it?

You can get brunch
next weekend.

I know a place
that does topless mimosas.

It's bottomless mimosas served
by topless dancers.

I don't wanna have brunch
with you.

Ouch. Why?

I want brunch with...

The hot Swiss mercenary lady
who punched me in the face?

Why are you so sad?

She's awesome.

Yeah, we've been dating,

but I think it could be, like,

I don't know, something real?

Holy shit.
Pam in a relationship?

Usually you're all wham-bam

or sir or them.

I know.
I thought I'd feel trapped,

and I know this sounds dumb,

but I've never felt more free.

Pam, from the bottom
of my heart,

that does sound dumb,
but I'm happy for you.

But now we're actually
trapped in this stupid bank!

I mean, I can't even be on time
for brunch.

She's Swiss, man!

Watches are like gods to them.

Call Alessia.
Push your brunch back an hour.

Here comes the cavalry,
except it's like a cavalry

where the horses are in charge.

That's supposed
to comfort me?

I don't know.
Everything's going fuzzy.

Wow, I thought
this hangover would kill me,


It's way worse than that.

I'm gonna go lie down
for a bit,

then look
for that override code.

Oh, and good luck
with the Alessia thing.

Well, hello, good sir.

A thousand thanks
for letting me in early.

It is I,
an obscenely wealthy socialite,

who wishes to do business
with thine banking shoppe.

Cheerio, spit-spot.

Of course, Ms. Tunt.

God, I hate rich people.

Ready and in position.

Krieger, watch your butt.

I'm going in.

Honestly, if you hit me,

I won't even feel it.

That's funny.
I can feel everything.

Oops... he, uh, said
for no reason.

Lana, Cyril, tell me
you figured something out

so I can just die now.

No dice.
It's right here,

but I can't get
the inner container unlocked.

Will you just grab it?
We'll figure it out later.

What? No. Oh, no.

No one's talking
about grabbing AJ,

uh, unless you think
that kidnapping is an option,

in which case... oh, God damn it.
I lost service again.

Or she didn't want to be
an accessory to kidnapping.

You know, you can come to me
with questions.

- I have a law degree.
- Oh, great.

Because I do have
a legal question:

Is it against the law to rip
out a coworker's vocal chords

- with your bare hands?
- Very much, yes.

Then as my lawyer,
I advise you to stop talking.

Just grab the box!

It's welded in, genius.

Oh, lovely.
This is so Posh Spice.

Yes, yes,
this will do quite nicely

for storing the crown jewels.

Um, of what country?

All of them!

Too many questions.
Bring me someone else.

Pam, it's empty. Go now.

My name's not Pam.

Good to see you again.

Where have you been, Ray?


Wow, it can't be that easy.

Freeze right there!

- Never say that.
- You said you were going

to the bathroom.

I lied.
Enough games.

I know you're robbing the bank.

I've known
from the very beginning.


Ooh, it was too much fun

watching you guys
fumble around.

Serves these bozos right.

Bring it all down!

You are amazing.
You wouldn't happen to know

if there's booze around here,
would you, Suz?

Well, at least they have
good security on the booze.

Heads up, Ray.

Override code 64245.


Wait, is this it?

You are one gorgeous weirdo.

One more thing.

You guys have to rough me up.

Make it look good.

I... I don't think
I can do that.


Get the hell out of here.

We owe you dinner!

I heard threesome.

See? I told you
everything would work out.

Oh, shit.

I think it's pronounced

Breach the door!
Go, go, go, go, go!

Who the hell tipped them off?

No time to think about that.

Leadership! Upstairs!

That's not gonna hurt
until tomorrow.

Ow, okay.
Turns out face shots hurt now.

Oh, God, Tom, sorry.

Good luck with the ska band.



Where to now?

As leader,
I am open to suggestions.

I am not getting arrested
before my custody hearing.

Cheryl, do you have
any more explosives?

Duh, it's the only thing
in here.

Even the tampons are bombs.

I like when my periods
feel dangerous.

Oh, hey, Alessia.

So it, uh, turns out I might
need to push our brunch back

just a bit more,
like maybe 15 to 20 years.

Pam, cut the shit.

I know you're inside the bank.

Don't worry about it, baby.

I'm out back
with the getaway truck.

Wait, really?
How did you know?

You sounded freaked out
on the phone,

so I traced
your team's movements.

Did it feel weird
and stalker-y?

Yeah, but that's
every American rom-com.

It really is.

Hey, good news, guys!

My, uh, special friend
is out back with wheels.

Special friend?
What did I tell you

about fear of commitment?

Cheryl, if you got something,
now's the time.

Take it easy. I've got this.

And now... we begin.

Well, fun while it lasted.

Step aside. I've got this.

Who the hell are you?

I've been taking
night classes.

Junior colleges
are surprisingly comprehensive.

- Well, this is how we die.
- Relax.

You will all die years
from now, safe in your beds,

never suspecting I'm waiting
in the shadows.


- Jump!
- From all the way up here?

Sometimes you gotta
take the leap.


Uh, aah.


And she can bake?

Good God, I love this woman.

Wow, just blurting it out,

Well, I stole the truck
with the pastries

and replaced the roof,
but did you just say...



They're on our asses!

Duh, that's why I planted
all those extra bombs.

So hey, about what you said
back there, the I word...

I word? Yeah,
you must have misheard me.

I don't think I've ever used
any words

that have that letter in them
at all ever.

that's such a stupid lie.

Your full name is Pamela.

Come on, just ask her
to be your girlfriend already.

Girlfriend? Ew. No.

Alessia, will you be
my polyamorous primary?


Just give me 4.2 seconds.


You're down to secondary.

Ugh, don't be a baby.

And call Esmeralda
and knock her down to three.

And now you're mine as well.

Aw, you guys.

You know, I am partially
responsible for...

- No.
- Fabian must've sold us out

- to the cops.
- Now let's not rush to judg...

No, let's do rush
to judgment.

Fabian sold us out.

It's not like anyone
accidentally pushed

a secret alarm or anything.

The whole mission
was probably bullshit.

This is just a bunch
of pictures

with some random woman.

You're late.

Yeah, well,
someone was apparently

pretty determined
to get in our way.

Come on, Fabian.
Let's hear it.

What's your inevitable
double cross?

No, double cross.
I'm a man of my word.

The agency is yours again.

And in fact, I'm pleased
it all worked out this way.

I've come to respect...

Suck it, asshole!

Alessia, punch it!

Nice working with you too.

Here's to me being right.

- Complete and utter victory.
- Was it, though?

I freaking crushed it
back there.

Or should I say blasted it?

No, that sounds
like something gross.

Guys, you won't believe this.

in the Latin American country

of Man at in a tonight

as the prime minister
has declared martial law.

Uh, does it seem
like a coincidence

that's where
I tripped over a tapir

and got snake bit in the face?

Oh, God.
Still funny.

You were so almost gonna die.

Borders are closed,
and citizens have been confined

to their homes.
This sudden authoritarian turn

is especially shocking
given that the prime minister

has, until now,
been highly progressive,

turning Man at in a into a model
for social change.

Wait, did we just
blackmail a president?

Thereby causing
a geopolitical incident?

Well, that definitely won't
look good in family court.

Well, here's something
that looks even worse.

This contract
is backdated six months.

So Fabian and IIA didn't rob
that bank?

Or all that other stuff
he had us do.

We did.

Easy peasy.

Made in Georgia.