Archer (2009–…): Season 13, Episode 4 - Episode #13.4 - full transcript

Now what is this bullshit?

Um, which of the many species
of bullshit

in our bullshit ecosystem
are you referring to?

The jellybeans,
which are only licorice,

buttered popcorn, and...

Mm... I think, hatred?

Or the coffee maker,
which is gone

and replaced
by off-brand instant?

"Folber's crystals,

an acceptable part
of waking up."

It's these chip flavors.

Snail, paella, Dutch onion,
and... Menthol?

Wow, a bag of these
has more nicotine

than a pack of cigarettes.

Well, now I wanna try them.

This is why you'll fill out

your food requisition forms

otherwise you get the leftovers
from headquarters

that no one wants.

Is there any part of iia
that isn't some kind of

bureaucratic circle jerk?

This is why you lack vision.

Our company-mandated
biquarterly circle jerks

decrease sexual frustration

and increase productivity
by 6%.

Is he joking, or is it
about to get awesome in here?

New mission:
There's a device out there

that we need to reacquire.

So not awesome.

- The magnetic pulse generator.
- Magnets?

Are we worried
someone will attack

a kindergarten science class?

It can wipe out
all computer memory

in a mile radius.

And it does this.

[Machine whirring]


props to the graphics team.

I was skeptical,
but they're so worth it.

Wait a second.
I know that death metal device.

That's Helga!

How do you know about my Helga?

I have cameras
planted everywhere,

including your lab.

How dare you!

Didn't you set up cameras

in all the bathrooms
at one point?

Putting cameras in bathrooms
is one thing.

But a lab?
That is private.

I saw potential
in your project

if paired with a proprietary
iia energy source,

but after I stole it from you,
someone stole it from me.

The Swiss.
[all laughing]

- The Swiss?
- The cheese guys?

1929. Black Monday.

The Swiss.

The Cuban missile crisis.

1985. The cola wars.

That is one alert mob.

These elite Swiss operatives

call themselves
the invisible hand.

Oh, yeah.

Mother sometimes
talked about them

when she was drinking.

She said it was like
the entire country

all their war-like impulses

and injected them
into a tiny group of people.

They're going
after the Cayman Islands

because the global rich
are banking there

and not banking in Switzerland.

Oh, no.
Rich people problems.

If the invisible hand

it would throw iia
into financial chaos

and probably ignite
a global war.

Well, that's not good.

Ah, yes, Lana,
the old saying.

"War is not good."

So we steal the device back
before the Swiss can use it.

Cheryl: With the help
of your demolitions expert!

- All: Huh?
- I get it.

When Ms. Archer was in charge,

she didn't really
go on missions,

but I'm a hands-on boss.

You are not the boss.

I'm in the chair!

I need this to go
by the book,

and since my last leader
is still in the hospital

due to snake
and multiple spider bites...

[laughs] I forgot that.
It was really bad.

Agent figgis
is leading the mission.

- Oh, great.
- Obviously.

For the last time,
let me say this.

You're not my supervisor!

I quit.


Ah, don't worry, bud.
She'll be back.

Oh, those Swiss bastards

got their dirty,
cheese-stinking fingers

all over my beautiful device!

Where's Cheryl?

let's go destroy this thing.

- Reacquire it.
- Uh, I doubt it.

Have you met us?

[Ice clinking]



Main title theme...

[♪ ♪]

-== [ ] ==-

*ARCHER (2009)*
Season 13 Episode 04

Episode Title: "Laws of Attraction"
Aired on: September 14, 2022.

So before Swiss wipe the banks' data
on the mainland,

they plan to blow up
the backup server

on this old drilling platform.

Our job is to intercept them,
then interrogate them

to find out
where they stored the device.

So the device
isn't on the rig?

We don't think so.

To access the rig,

we'll enter undetected
through this hatch here

then locate
and ambush the Swiss.

God, you are so bad at this.

It's like watching a clown car
crash into a birthday party.

but at some level, hilarious.

Archer, can you please
put the bourbon down

- and concentrate?
- Scotch. No.

And don't you think
you should concentrate?

We're already behind schedule.

Because you stopped
at the liquor store

on the way to the airport!

Because I knew
you wouldn't stock the plane,

so maybe next time
be a little more professional.

This from the man who
invented the term

"groin taxi."

Shows what you know.

That was a term I used to
cleverly expense prostitutes.

- We all know that!
- Lana.

You're only
making things worse.

- I've got this.
- Yeah, Lana.

Our leader, Cyril's, got this.

Just listen to him

since he's obviously
our superior.

Speaking of superiors,

I try to insulate myself
from peasant work,

but this has got
to go perfectly.

None of us want to be fired.

Oh, no,
not fired,

the thing you threaten us with
every day of our goddamn lives.

You misunderstand.

A mistake this big
at our level?

After the firing,
then there's the firing squad.

I'm using wordplay here,
of course.

All: Oh!
Archer: Oh, thank god.

They'll probably
just poison us.

[Intriguing music]

[♪ ♪]

So I feel like
that imminent death thing

kind of derailed my briefing.

- Any questions?
- Yeah.

Why did fabian
put you in charge?

You're, like, notoriously bad
in high-stress situations.

Name one time.

Last week, you got hives
trying to decide

between "best"
or "best regards" in an email.

Okay, well,
that was a tonal minefield.

I wish it were a real one,

and then we wouldn't be
having this conversation.

Who did you think
fabian was gonna pick?

Archer can't do it.
Lana's a threat to power.

And Krieger is... Krieger.

- There's nobody left.
- I'm left.

You don't know
the first thing

about leading a mission, Pam.

I know you've got
about 60 seconds

before your tactical lead there
hurls chum into the ocean.

Archer, I told you to leave
the booze on the plane.

[Clears throat]

But I didn't.

Okay, we get on the rig.

Lana and Pam will get
any rig worker to a safe room.

- Archer and I will start...
- Hey, sea turtles!

- Whoo!
- What?

You're supposed to stay more
than 10 feet away from those!

Archer: And are you
supposed to be sober

when you make
new best friends?

Because I'm not
doing that either!

Lana, a little help here.

I thought
I was making things worse.

"I got this."

- [Archer hurls]
- Called it.

Archer: [groans]
That wasn't from drinking.

I ate those menthol chips
on the plane.

But now that my head's clear,
I have two questions.

What are we doing?
And which ocean is this?

Explain to me
how we can defuse this

if it gets activated.

That's easy.

You can't
because it's not a bomb.

It's a resonating

Once it starts, the pulse
gets bigger and bigger

until it tears itself apart.

- Well, what can you do?
- I don't remember.

I built it in...

What do you call it...
A fugue state?

By "fugue state," you mean
shit-assed on drugs, right?

Of course not!

But that was also happening,

Hey, Lana,
do you ever get the sense

that certain people
in this group get ignored?

Mm, which certain people?

Well, to put it delicately,
the ones with tits.

Thank you for being delicate,
but yes.

I can't just force myself
to care anymore.

I just wanna do my job
and go home.

But I have a lot
of great qualities.

I always keep Cheryl in line.

I would not lead with that.

Is it just me, or...

Cyril: Is nobody here?
Archer: Great job, cyril.

- They got away.
- Cyril: Who?

Whoever we're capturing,
shooting, and/or rescuing.

How would we shoot
and rescue them?

Mercy killing?

We're late
because of your delays!

Excuse me for being enchanted
by turtles,

the world's most mysterious
sea creatures.

Oh, come on.
Everyone knows that's narwhals.

Pfft, only if the mystery is

who's overcompensating
for something.

No one's here
because cyril messed up,

probably due to his obsession
with narwhals.

Let's meet up on the deck

and talk about
how much we hate him.

Pfft, narwhals.
Basically the Ferrari of tusks.

- Wait, check for...
- Aah!

I am called alessia.

I represent the invisible hand,
and that was a warning shot.

How was that a warning shot?
You grazed me.

I'm very good.

Krieger: I'm baffled
by the complete lack

of pornographic doodling
on these schematics.

Are you sure these iia folks
are real scientists?

Oh, for god's sake!
I'm so fudged right now.

I need to know how to safely
transport this thing now!

I'm fudged!

Is there anyone
at iia you can talk to?

If the board finds out...

- You're fudged?
- I'm fudging fudged!

If you can't figure this out,

I will throw you out
of this plane.

Well, there is a way
to disable it

before it goes off,
but it's dicey.

Requires extreme precision.

- [Groans]
- What?

I was just thinking
about who I was counting on

to be precise.

- [Gunfire]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Hiyah!
- Ooh!

This rig is set
to self-destruct.

Don't worry,
we've evacuated the workers

and given them
little chocolates.

The invisible hand isn't evil,

but if you get
in our way again,

you will be eliminated.

totally non-evil thing to say.

Well, regardless,
remember it.

I didn't hear it.

Could you say it again
but slower

and turn your chin
to catch the light?

I said,
if I see you again,

I'll eliminate you.


My god.

The turtles!

If the rig collapses...

What's the plan, cyril?
Are we stuck here?

We still have their ropes.

[Bombs beeping]


I am now open to suggestions.

Protect yourselves!

Pull your heads
into your beautiful shells!

What do we do?
What do we do?

Wait, I've got it.

"Best regards."
that's the one.

God damn it, cyril.

But we're hundreds
of feet... aah!



He really did it.

He's gonna die trying
to save turtles while drunk.

Well, at least he'll die
doing what he loves.

Being an idiot.

for your leadership.

Hey, that's not fair.

He's right,
because that platform

would've collapsed years ago.

It hasn't gone that badly.

And cue the sharks.


[all coughing]

Okay, guys, hop in,
but be careful.

There's not a lot of room
with all these turtles in here.

Just put them back
in the ocean!

What? No.

There's, like,
a ton of sharks out there.

Attracted by your vomit!

Those are vomit sharks?

I said, "these are vomit"...
we heard you.

Yet you refuse
to embrace the mystery!

Hey, bud, at what point
do you think you'll slow down?

It's to be determined, Pam.

you pack of absolute morons,

you've blown our chance
to grab this thing

before it's operational,
but there's still a chance.

But it'll be tight.
We have to...

Shut that idiocy production
factory you call a mouth!

You're no longer in charge.

The backup servers
are destroyed,

so the banks will scramble

to make physical backups
of their data.

Which means
they'll be dismantling

their electromagnetic

Precisely, but you're
not in charge either.

The Swiss will wait
for a few hours

for peak vulnerability
and then set it off.

We'll intercept them
on the way in.

Uh, explain
why we're doing this again.

This sure seems like
your mess-up.

You're not wrong,
but if the banks go down

and the world erupts in chaos,
iia will need scapegoats.

They'll burn you.

- [Groans]
- Hey, Lana.

Have you noticed
there's a leadership vacuum

now with cyril
being a little bitch and all?

- No offense.
- That is not possible.

Oh, my god, I just want
to do my job and go home,

but it's not working.

- So you know what happens now?
- I think...

I take over
and fix everything!

Exactly what I was gonna say.

Okay, platoons.
Here we go.

Lana, keep your eyes southeast.

Archer, you look northwest.

Cyril, you look...
In the other direction.

Uh, I don't remember
fabian putting you in charge.

Pam: Pipe down, cadet.

Lana: Better listen, cyril.
She means business.

Pam: Lana, shut your tits!
Keep this line clear.

You know,
for a global banking center,

this place is way smaller
than I imagined.

Island fact:
It actually has

more registered business
than it has residents.

Pam: God damn it, Archer.
Are you drinking again?

Again implies that
I stopped at some point, Pam.

And I'm supporting
local businesses

these international goliaths,

so I'm basically David.

Lana: [scoffs]
Except drunk.

Hey, hey, hey,
David was a musician

with eight wives
who killed a dude with a rock.

Does that scream sober to you?

of human liabilities,

has anyone heard from Cheryl?

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I kind of miss her.

feels like a great moment

for some wildly
unhelpful curve ball.

[Helicopter whirring]

Krieger: Got her.
They just turned her on.

Warming up now, getting ready
for her big debut.

Aw, Helga.

- They grow up so fast.
- Okay, everyone.

The package is coming in
from the south.

It's coming in way too fast.

It must be in the air.

[Ominous music]

Well, that simplifies things.

[♪ ♪]

- They're running away.
- Wait.

No, the package
is still on track.

How could that...

So she's going
to activate it in the air

as she flies over the city.

What a cleverly Beverly.

[Dramatic music]

God, she's like a valkyrie.

Take me to Valhalla.

I've got a wing suit
in the back.

Krieger, take the stick

and continue
my intercept course.

No, you fudging idiot!

Give me back my baby!

[♪ ♪]

Now, I will expertly
swoop by and grab the...

[gasps] I don't know
how to do any of that!


[Both grunt]

commandeer a vehicle.

- I'm sorry about this...
- Hey!

But would I kill you
to do some maintenance?

Hello, occifers.

this truck is mine

because why else
would I be holding a pineapple?

[Siren wailing]

To the junkyard!


Do you think you could
stop soaking yourself

in piña coladas?

Who am I?
Jimmy buffett's carpet?

This is a modified painkiller,
which is way stronger.

Second, you're not my boss.
Pam is.

Would you put down
your damn drink?


Damn it!
I'm out of ammo.



Invisible hand: Aah!

You guys see that?
That was nuts, right?

Ha ha!
Stupid Swiss.

It's the battle of grauholz
all over again!

Uh, guys?
Any quick tips on landing?

Oh, god.
It's happening so fast!


[Device beeping]


It's okay.
Daddy's here.

not to ruin a sweet moment,

which this is absolutely not,
but is that thing ticking?

Huh, guess it is a bomb.

My baby's all grown up.

[Guns cocking]

Tell him
not to disarm that device!

Yeah, good luck with that.

He doesn't listen to us.

- Green wire?
- Yeah, probably.

[Beeping stops]
Ha ha ha!

if a bit anticlimactic.

Ugh, I hate how it always
works out for you,

even when you're being a dick!

You know, everyone has
been really on my back today,

but in the end,
I'm always the best.

To me!


Uh, Krieger?

- Oh, don't panic.
- Oh, good.

No, don't panic.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Get rid of your metals!

Guns, belts, commemorative
prussian war coins!

God, this is, like, the worst
airport security line ever.


Okay, I think we're...


Totally screwed!
What the hell, Krieger?

It's oscillating.
It'll get stronger each time!

Why does it do that?

Because science is weird!

Take cover!

If we don't stop her,
she'll keep expanding her range

and wipe out all digital data
on the island.

So we need to destroy it?


But also yes.

What are we doing?

you're not the leader anymore,

so stop thinking.

Bum-rush this metal chucker
and smash it to smithereens!


Why aren't you
letting us save you?

Oh, right,
they want this to happen.

Never mind!
Makes sense now!


grab something metal.


Now let go!

- Ow!
- Aah!

that was a great idea, Pam.



[Alarms beeping]


Well, that was bizarre.

Don't just stand there,
you rich bastard.

- Fight!
- [grunts]


Those Swiss are fast learners.

Damn their superior
educational system.

Not on my watch, sister.

- [Grunts]
- [grunts]


Does that translate?
Because it's fantastic.

Ugh, you again?

[Both grunting]

I don't know
if I want to fight you, be you,

or sleep with you.


Well, let's start
with the first

and see how it goes.

- [Grunts]
- [groans]

Aw, man.
Now I gotta get a tetanus shot.

If you want something
done right... ow!

My fucking hand!

Oh, look at it.

See you when it's over.
Fabian out.

Cover me.
I'm gonna try to destroy it.

[Both grunt]

Oh, is that
a tudor oyster explorer?


What the hell?

I maybe shouldn't
have chugged the pineapple.

There were, like,
six different rums in there,

and now they're fighting.

[Both grunt]


It's so liberating
not to think all the time.

Here, take this!
You take that!

[Both grunt]

how do we destroy this?

Heads up,
you Swiss bitch!

Oh, god! Sorry!

I was just trying
to knock you down.

- Just shoot it!
- How?

Shoot anywhere when
the magnet is in attract mode.

Archer, get on!


Your amazonian body
takes up too much space, Lana.

I can't balance.

Or maybe you can't balance

because you are wasted!

Babysitting me
isn't part of your job,

as I've told you many times.

shut up and grab the gun!

Oh, god, is there no rhythm
to this thing?

Guess not.
[gun cocks]

[Suspenseful music]

[♪ ♪]

Oh, I can't look.



[Both grunt]

I hate
to mess you up like this.

And here I thought
you were enjoying it.

Are we, like, flirting?

I mean, this is fun, but
I'd appreciate some clarity.

Just tell me one thing.
Why is fabian after us?

He's the one
who sold us the device.

He did?

- Just go.
- Really?

Yeah, I mean,
we all know fabian sucks.

I'm not gonna sacrifice
a goddess for a douche bag.

You know,
you're much more formidable

than the two idiots
I encountered on the oil rig.

They're lucky to have
an incredible leader.

Aw, shucks.
Just get outta here.

[Tender music]

[♪ ♪]

Alessia, wait!

You got any more
of that chocolate?

[Sobbing] No!

What happened here?

Is Archer knocked out?


He passed out unscathed.


Wow, what a screw up.

Who knew a pineapple
could hold that much rum?

So I blacked out and did
something amazing, right?

That's what always happens.

No need to say anything.
You're welcome.

Looks like a nailed this.

Oh, also nailing it,

that nail
through your hand, fabian.

That looks like it hurts.

Well, that's what happens

when you're not
as awesome as me.

So how about the Swiss, right?

[♪ ♪]

Made in Georgia.