Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000–2015): Season 9, Episode 5 - The Granite Family - full transcript
After watching "The Granite Family" on TV, Master Shake feels like going back to the stone age to identify with the show. To achieve that, he causes a war between the United States and Russia that leads the world to chaos, thinking that can take him back to the stone age.
Oh, boy.
Wanda?
Open this door, Wanda.
Wanda!!
Hey, hey, frank, buddy boy.
Oh, hey, Bob.
The door's locked again.
It happens every week,
doesn't it?
Wanda!
Did you check the mat,
buddy boy?
Oh, right -- the key.
Hey! Watch it, buddy!
Yeah, I wis I could lie down
on the job.
Try paying off your student
loans with this gig.
This has absolutely no
connection to my or anyone else
I know's life.
Well, the show was
written in the '50s.
Well, now, don't you
think that they would factor
that in before they put it on
TV in front of me here in the
year 2000?
It's a rerun.
Well, it needs a
re-face.
Rerun?
In "what's happening!!"?
What's happening in
"what's happening!!" Is that
it's in constant reruns, which
is how I know what's happening
in that show at all times.
I'm talking about
rerun the character.
And raj and Shirley.
And I'm talking about
you rerunning your mouth and
re-ruining my television
experience.
I was having a good time here
before you arrived.
Like j.J. In
"good times"?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly like j.J.
Dynomite!
Growing up poor and
black in the Chicago projects --
see, now, that, I can relate to.
Damn it! The house alarm!
I got to pay child support
somehow.
Maybe I'd get it if I,
too, were in the stone age.
Well, I have these
time thongs.
You wear them and you can travel
back to the stone age.
Thongs are for dongs.
I have a plan that's about
1 million times better.
I don't like going
back to the past.
It rides up on me.
And over here, we have the
oval office, but only the
president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button
is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more
Presidential China -- over
there, way down that hall.
Okay, sounds good.
Hi. Is this Russia?
Hey, eat my
You beet-munchin',
face-wart-having communists!
What?!
I'm president Barack Obama,
and I'm sending a missile
straight up your poop chute!
U.s.a.! U.S.A.!
Look, err.
Earth is remaking
"the granite family."
What?!
It's a timeless
classic, err.
It was made in a land before
time.
"Land before time" or
"the land that time forgot"?
No, that's the
"land of the lost" you're
thinking.
Oh.
With cha-ka.
See?
Damn it!
We're gonna be back in
the stone age!
* like the mesozoic group of
guys *
Carl!
Carl!
Carl, open up, man!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Some privacy here, huh?!
These are our last fleeting
moments together.
I want to Cherish this.
Now bend over.
Carl, you got a bomb
shelter, right?
Oh, right, yeah!
That's right -- I do!
You got a bomb
shelter, right?
Yeah, awesome! Yeah!
Sort of turned it into my man
cave, you know.
It's where I come to party.
Check it out -- zebra.
"Tell me what u want" 1987 tour.
Wow -- canned food
and a water filter.
This is probably the suckiest
place I've ever been in my life!
Hey, I got dolby
5.1 surround in here.
My z-breakers!
I call 'em that 'cause...
'Cause I listen to zebra on 'em.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Left my flat-screen up there.
Uh, it's not really a
flat-screen.
Technically, it's a
rear-screen projection TV.
It looks flat from the
front.
Bit chunky from the
side, though.
I'm gonna go back for
it.
It's not a
flat-screen!
Everyone chill.
I got a regenerator here.
We're rock-solid for the next
two...
It says 2 1/2 hours. Oops.
We don't need
electricity for music.
That bird
is contaminated!
This is a stone age
record player -- just like on
"the granite family."
Shrug and say something funny,
like, "it's a living."
Get it out of here!
That was a brand-new
needle.
I'm getting scared,
Frylock.
We'll be okay,
little buddy.
You just stay with me, okay?
Do you think
Santa claus knows that we
relocated?
And you think maybe we should
send him a change of address?
If he weren't a melted pile of
goo.
No!
Let's all just stay
still.
I may be eating you later for
food, and I like fatty cuts.
No!
They're much more
flavorful.
Nobody ain't gonna
eat anybody, okay?!
You got that?!
Fine.
Though, it is weird
that one of us is made of
nothing but meat.
Who?
Who we talking -- Carl?
I call this part right here.
Hey!
The tummy steak.
Hey!
Okay, I got to poop,
y'all.
Ooh!
You know what would be funny?
If we had, like, an ancient
rhino and then you poop in his
mouth and the rhino goes like,
"same different day."
But we don't, do we?
Because guess what, Shake.
We ain't "the granite family"!
Okay.
How about this bag
here?
Can I poop in this bag?
No, no, no.
That's my keg bag.
I'm supposed to return that
tomorrow so I don't lose my
deposit.
Carl, the liquor
store is gone, man!
Everything is gone.
So you're sayin'
that...
The keg bag and the tap is free
now?
Keg stand!
Someone get my ankles.
What?
I know we need to ration it, but
it's gonna go flat.
Okeydokey.
What do I do with this?
Ew!
You know what?
You keep the bag and you keep it
far away from me.
That's a gift.
Thank you, Carl.
I got a free bag, y'all.
Get that out of
here.
You get out of here.
I did all the work.
I filled it up.
Okay, look, we need
to get together and assign
duties.
Now, what can everyone do?
Hey, who can do this?
It's like a fart noise.
Look, someone's
gonna have to take this bag
outside.
And go for help, too,
right?
Yeah, sure.
So let's think about this for a
second.
Who here is the most valuable --
And is the smartest.
Okay, it's settled.
I'll be back with help.
Take the bag!
I'm getting it.
Okay, look, y'all.
There ain't no one out there --
not for thousands of miles.
And I only have
three of these time thongs --
and please stop farting with
your arm, Carl!
This is serious!
Some of them weren't my arm.
Oh.
This is not at all like
"the granite family."
Where's the laughs?
Where's all the talking animals
who hate their jobs?
I am
time Warner.
I am Master Shake.
I travel throughout time to
warn people not to use any
ideas from my movies or t-TV
shows, or I will be forced to
s-sue them.
You want to see my
record player?
As long as it's not a-a bird.
I-I-It's not a bird, is it?
Oh.
I-It better not be a-a bird.
Carl!
Carl!!
Why a thong?
I mean, why not just, like, a
ring, like green lantern?
I don't know.
Or a watch, like
dick Tracy, or a belt, like
Batman.
Or them sunglasses that
Keanu used in "the matrix" that
talked to computers.
Carl!!
I-I don't know.
I didn't see it.
I didn't buy into the hype.
A thong just seemed
like the thing to do.
It was fresh -- a new idea.
Hadn't seen that before.
Planning to travel through
t-time?
Time Warner!
Why does everyone have
thongs but me?
A thong? F-F-Fresh.
What's going on here?
I'm going back
in time to stop you, Shake,
before you try to remake
"the granite family."
I-It doesn't matter, because
I'm going to, eh, to the future
to sell the "granite family"
remake to this fox.
Whoo-hoo!
I own time travel.
It's my, eh, my thing, and if
you use it, I'll t-t-tell you to
cease and d-d-d-desist.
Oh, come on, man.
You don't have the market on
this.
Tons of people have done it.
"Time bandits."
Own it.
"Terminator."
Own it.
"Timecop."
Own it.
"Timecop 2:
The Berlin decision"?
Own it.
"The butterfly
effect"?
Own it.
"Butterfly effect
2"?
Own it.
"Butterfly effect 3:
Revelations"?
Own it.
"Timescape."
Um, o-own it.
"Beastmaster 2:
Through the portal of time"?
Own it.
"Hot tub time
machine"?
Own it.
"Timerider: The
adventure of Lyle Swann"?
Own it.
"Brian's song."
Own it.
Not if I have
anything to say about it.
Who knows how to get
the underwear to work?
Maybe you're getting
some interference off that can
of peaches you got in your
britches.
Oh, come on.
Who put this in here?
Well, I guess now
I am legend.
You don't own that one, right?
Forever.
In perpe-perpet-perpet--
myuh-myuh-myuh --
perp-- heh heh --
Aah!
For a really long time?
And over here, we have the
oval office, but only the
president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button
is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more
Presidential China -- over
there, way down that hall.
Okay, sounds good.
Hey. How are you?
Shake #2: Hey, yourself.
Sorry, Shake.
Not this time.
Shake #2: Frylock!
Open the door, Frylock!
Shake #3: Hello, frylick.
Wait a minute.
I just locked you outside!
Shake #3: Did you?
Shake #2: You can't do this
to me!
Shake #3: You messed with the
rift of the passage of time,
thus changing it forever...
'Cause you did it the other way.
There's a smarter way of saying
that, but I didn't like it in
the script.
This doesn't make
any sense.
This is the past.
How are there two of you?
Shake #3: I don't care.
I'm the president of the
United States.
Wait a minute.
You're the what?!
Shake #3: Guards, seize him!
Hey, wait! N-N-No!
You got the wrong one!
No, wait! Shake!
Shake! Shake!
Shake!!
Happens every week, doesn't it?
You should, uh, check the mat,
fryman.
This is not believable.
There should be a key under
the -- under the mat so they can
get in.
What if the mat said
something?
Like he was bored with his job
as a mat.
Like, "an-another day,
an-another dollar"?
Whoo-hoo! I like it.
Sundays at 9:00.
Eh, th-th-that's all, folks.
Wanda?
Open this door, Wanda.
Wanda!!
Hey, hey, frank, buddy boy.
Oh, hey, Bob.
The door's locked again.
It happens every week,
doesn't it?
Wanda!
Did you check the mat,
buddy boy?
Oh, right -- the key.
Hey! Watch it, buddy!
Yeah, I wis I could lie down
on the job.
Try paying off your student
loans with this gig.
This has absolutely no
connection to my or anyone else
I know's life.
Well, the show was
written in the '50s.
Well, now, don't you
think that they would factor
that in before they put it on
TV in front of me here in the
year 2000?
It's a rerun.
Well, it needs a
re-face.
Rerun?
In "what's happening!!"?
What's happening in
"what's happening!!" Is that
it's in constant reruns, which
is how I know what's happening
in that show at all times.
I'm talking about
rerun the character.
And raj and Shirley.
And I'm talking about
you rerunning your mouth and
re-ruining my television
experience.
I was having a good time here
before you arrived.
Like j.J. In
"good times"?
Yeah.
Yeah, exactly like j.J.
Dynomite!
Growing up poor and
black in the Chicago projects --
see, now, that, I can relate to.
Damn it! The house alarm!
I got to pay child support
somehow.
Maybe I'd get it if I,
too, were in the stone age.
Well, I have these
time thongs.
You wear them and you can travel
back to the stone age.
Thongs are for dongs.
I have a plan that's about
1 million times better.
I don't like going
back to the past.
It rides up on me.
And over here, we have the
oval office, but only the
president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button
is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more
Presidential China -- over
there, way down that hall.
Okay, sounds good.
Hi. Is this Russia?
Hey, eat my
You beet-munchin',
face-wart-having communists!
What?!
I'm president Barack Obama,
and I'm sending a missile
straight up your poop chute!
U.s.a.! U.S.A.!
Look, err.
Earth is remaking
"the granite family."
What?!
It's a timeless
classic, err.
It was made in a land before
time.
"Land before time" or
"the land that time forgot"?
No, that's the
"land of the lost" you're
thinking.
Oh.
With cha-ka.
See?
Damn it!
We're gonna be back in
the stone age!
* like the mesozoic group of
guys *
Carl!
Carl!
Carl, open up, man!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Some privacy here, huh?!
These are our last fleeting
moments together.
I want to Cherish this.
Now bend over.
Carl, you got a bomb
shelter, right?
Oh, right, yeah!
That's right -- I do!
You got a bomb
shelter, right?
Yeah, awesome! Yeah!
Sort of turned it into my man
cave, you know.
It's where I come to party.
Check it out -- zebra.
"Tell me what u want" 1987 tour.
Wow -- canned food
and a water filter.
This is probably the suckiest
place I've ever been in my life!
Hey, I got dolby
5.1 surround in here.
My z-breakers!
I call 'em that 'cause...
'Cause I listen to zebra on 'em.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Left my flat-screen up there.
Uh, it's not really a
flat-screen.
Technically, it's a
rear-screen projection TV.
It looks flat from the
front.
Bit chunky from the
side, though.
I'm gonna go back for
it.
It's not a
flat-screen!
Everyone chill.
I got a regenerator here.
We're rock-solid for the next
two...
It says 2 1/2 hours. Oops.
We don't need
electricity for music.
That bird
is contaminated!
This is a stone age
record player -- just like on
"the granite family."
Shrug and say something funny,
like, "it's a living."
Get it out of here!
That was a brand-new
needle.
I'm getting scared,
Frylock.
We'll be okay,
little buddy.
You just stay with me, okay?
Do you think
Santa claus knows that we
relocated?
And you think maybe we should
send him a change of address?
If he weren't a melted pile of
goo.
No!
Let's all just stay
still.
I may be eating you later for
food, and I like fatty cuts.
No!
They're much more
flavorful.
Nobody ain't gonna
eat anybody, okay?!
You got that?!
Fine.
Though, it is weird
that one of us is made of
nothing but meat.
Who?
Who we talking -- Carl?
I call this part right here.
Hey!
The tummy steak.
Hey!
Okay, I got to poop,
y'all.
Ooh!
You know what would be funny?
If we had, like, an ancient
rhino and then you poop in his
mouth and the rhino goes like,
"same different day."
But we don't, do we?
Because guess what, Shake.
We ain't "the granite family"!
Okay.
How about this bag
here?
Can I poop in this bag?
No, no, no.
That's my keg bag.
I'm supposed to return that
tomorrow so I don't lose my
deposit.
Carl, the liquor
store is gone, man!
Everything is gone.
So you're sayin'
that...
The keg bag and the tap is free
now?
Keg stand!
Someone get my ankles.
What?
I know we need to ration it, but
it's gonna go flat.
Okeydokey.
What do I do with this?
Ew!
You know what?
You keep the bag and you keep it
far away from me.
That's a gift.
Thank you, Carl.
I got a free bag, y'all.
Get that out of
here.
You get out of here.
I did all the work.
I filled it up.
Okay, look, we need
to get together and assign
duties.
Now, what can everyone do?
Hey, who can do this?
It's like a fart noise.
Look, someone's
gonna have to take this bag
outside.
And go for help, too,
right?
Yeah, sure.
So let's think about this for a
second.
Who here is the most valuable --
And is the smartest.
Okay, it's settled.
I'll be back with help.
Take the bag!
I'm getting it.
Okay, look, y'all.
There ain't no one out there --
not for thousands of miles.
And I only have
three of these time thongs --
and please stop farting with
your arm, Carl!
This is serious!
Some of them weren't my arm.
Oh.
This is not at all like
"the granite family."
Where's the laughs?
Where's all the talking animals
who hate their jobs?
I am
time Warner.
I am Master Shake.
I travel throughout time to
warn people not to use any
ideas from my movies or t-TV
shows, or I will be forced to
s-sue them.
You want to see my
record player?
As long as it's not a-a bird.
I-I-It's not a bird, is it?
Oh.
I-It better not be a-a bird.
Carl!
Carl!!
Why a thong?
I mean, why not just, like, a
ring, like green lantern?
I don't know.
Or a watch, like
dick Tracy, or a belt, like
Batman.
Or them sunglasses that
Keanu used in "the matrix" that
talked to computers.
Carl!!
I-I don't know.
I didn't see it.
I didn't buy into the hype.
A thong just seemed
like the thing to do.
It was fresh -- a new idea.
Hadn't seen that before.
Planning to travel through
t-time?
Time Warner!
Why does everyone have
thongs but me?
A thong? F-F-Fresh.
What's going on here?
I'm going back
in time to stop you, Shake,
before you try to remake
"the granite family."
I-It doesn't matter, because
I'm going to, eh, to the future
to sell the "granite family"
remake to this fox.
Whoo-hoo!
I own time travel.
It's my, eh, my thing, and if
you use it, I'll t-t-tell you to
cease and d-d-d-desist.
Oh, come on, man.
You don't have the market on
this.
Tons of people have done it.
"Time bandits."
Own it.
"Terminator."
Own it.
"Timecop."
Own it.
"Timecop 2:
The Berlin decision"?
Own it.
"The butterfly
effect"?
Own it.
"Butterfly effect
2"?
Own it.
"Butterfly effect 3:
Revelations"?
Own it.
"Timescape."
Um, o-own it.
"Beastmaster 2:
Through the portal of time"?
Own it.
"Hot tub time
machine"?
Own it.
"Timerider: The
adventure of Lyle Swann"?
Own it.
"Brian's song."
Own it.
Not if I have
anything to say about it.
Who knows how to get
the underwear to work?
Maybe you're getting
some interference off that can
of peaches you got in your
britches.
Oh, come on.
Who put this in here?
Well, I guess now
I am legend.
You don't own that one, right?
Forever.
In perpe-perpet-perpet--
myuh-myuh-myuh --
perp-- heh heh --
Aah!
For a really long time?
And over here, we have the
oval office, but only the
president's allowed in there.
That's where the nuclear button
is.
Oh, great.
Let's look at more
Presidential China -- over
there, way down that hall.
Okay, sounds good.
Hey. How are you?
Shake #2: Hey, yourself.
Sorry, Shake.
Not this time.
Shake #2: Frylock!
Open the door, Frylock!
Shake #3: Hello, frylick.
Wait a minute.
I just locked you outside!
Shake #3: Did you?
Shake #2: You can't do this
to me!
Shake #3: You messed with the
rift of the passage of time,
thus changing it forever...
'Cause you did it the other way.
There's a smarter way of saying
that, but I didn't like it in
the script.
This doesn't make
any sense.
This is the past.
How are there two of you?
Shake #3: I don't care.
I'm the president of the
United States.
Wait a minute.
You're the what?!
Shake #3: Guards, seize him!
Hey, wait! N-N-No!
You got the wrong one!
No, wait! Shake!
Shake! Shake!
Shake!!
Happens every week, doesn't it?
You should, uh, check the mat,
fryman.
This is not believable.
There should be a key under
the -- under the mat so they can
get in.
What if the mat said
something?
Like he was bored with his job
as a mat.
Like, "an-another day,
an-another dollar"?
Whoo-hoo! I like it.
Sundays at 9:00.
Eh, th-th-that's all, folks.