Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000–2015): Season 9, Episode 3 - Shirt Herpes - full transcript
Wearing Carl's amazing rock-and-roll fantasy shirt comes at a heavy price.
Ooh, Frylock es tan caliente.
* I'm the pimp on
top, can't never be stopped *
* Frylock is on the bottom,
and your mama on my... *
Shakezula is m'elegante de
la casa.
El Meatwad es tan grande.
* don't understand why
you're with a "g" *
* 'cause Shake got the bait,
make a blind man see *
* Meatwad got your mama in my
ride *
* rollin' up the whole up
and then keep the hoes high *
* "aqua something you
know..." *
eh, whatever.
Hey, big man.
What's up?
Carl, you came to hang
out!
Up top.
Finally.
Let's open some cold ones.
That's what I'm saying,
you know?
Did you bring some
cold ones?
Yeah, I'm not hanging
out.
Well, what's the
occasion?
This shirt. It's new.
Whoa.
Pretty awesome, ain't
it?
Now, that is cool.
It's the balls.
"The interplanetary
insanitarium."
Is that like a band or a road
show or --
Maybe. I don't know.
It is a cool shirt, though.
But it's still just a
shirt.
What else?
Nah, I mean rea--
really look at this badass
shirt.
Wouldn't it be cool to be in
that world, huh?
Yeah, I don't wear
shirts.
I can't really find anything in
my size -- big and round,
wide collar, no shoulders.
Doesn't matter, 'cause
I don't think you could wear
this shirt.
'Cause this is a shirt of
legends, smithed from iron ore,
crafted from liquid magma by one
of the three demons, Satan's
slaves, in the mind of a
volcano.
Volcanos have minds?
Some do, yeah.
I had no idea volcanos
were self-aware.
This one was.
Look, don't interrupt.
I'm losing momentum, here.
Okay.
Anyway, demon one.
His name was, uh, uno, and his
brothers was named yahtzee and
boggle.
They were selected to guard the
shirt with their lives, from me.
You were alive back
then?
I was.
Yes, I was.
I thought you were
like in your 40s.
40,000...
Million.
Damn, son.
Look, let's go with
this.
No interruptions, please.
Right on, man.
You know, at that time,
there was no such thing as a
shirt.
You know, we barely had enough
mammoth fur to cover our junk.
But we liked it that way,
'cause it allowed me to showcase
my lats, my traps.
And, plus, the women --
I mean, seriously, it's like
they were all strippers.
Strippers everywhere?!
Yeah.
And, plus, uh, dragons, too.
Dragon strippers?
Holy smokes!
I know, right?!
I saw that shirt.
I say, "I want that."
I rode up the volcano on my,
uh...you know, mythical...
It was, uh...You know.
One-eyed wonder worm?
Yeah.
That's what I was ridin'.
I've heard you talk
about it before.
So, yahtzee looks up,
and he comes at me with a bass
solo.
Oh, man.
Shouldn't have done that, 'cause
I ripped the ax from his clawed
fingers, and I swiftly beheaded
him.
All this, and I still continued
the bass solo from, uh -- is it
like a geddy Lee deep cut?
"Moving pictures"?
Maybe it was "yyz."
I don't know.
I didn't miss a note, I know
that.
Boggle looks up at me from his
drum kit, and he goes, "you
don't kill my brother."
He said something cooler than
that.
That was the gist of it.
Yeah, he regretted the day I
come to the interplanetary
insanitarium.
So, then, uno sees this, right?
And he aims all his amps at me,
and he tries to bring the
thunder.
But I got earplugs in, and it
ain't no match for me.
I got my junk ready full-on in
chub mode...
And reflects the thunder back at
him.
And it explodes his face, and
it melts it off.
So, I wore this shirt, and I
ruled the interplanetary
insanitarium for a thousand
years like a god.
My name -- the gorn lord.
So, this is you on
this shirt?
I lost a little up top
since then.
My point is, a thousand years
have passed, and I must pass
this shirt down to a new
warrior king, a new gorn lord
who will rule the kingdom of
hair metal mountain as a mighty
god of rock!
Frankly, I don't know anybody
like that.
Huh.
Well, good luck with that.
See you later.
Thanks for the story.
Hey, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
The shirt -- it chooses the
warrior.
I cannot choose for it.
What are you saying?
And bear in mind, I'm in the
middle of a television show.
It's pulling me towards
you.
It -- it must...Want you.
Are you serious?
That I might be the warrior for
a new generation?!
The gorn lord of the
interplanetary insanitarium,
destined to live a thousand
years and carry the torch of
rock?!
Yeah, that's -- yeah.
What are you doing?!
Don't just stand there!
Put it on me!
Yeah!
That's what I am talkin' about.
Oh, there we go.
Yeah, all right.
Live long and prosper.
See you later, dude.
Aah!
No, no, no.
Turn around.
Come on.
Jojo, away!
Who dares step foot on metal
mountain?
* in the interplanetary
insanitarium! *
It is I --
the gorn lord, Shake.
Wow.
That's an ugly shirt.
The shirt chose me, to
rule over you as a god, as it
had chose Carl before me.
Carl bought that outside a
gas station on the turnpike
along with a set of
Molly hatchet mud flaps.
* mud flaps!
But he doesn't drive a
truck.
Yeah, he framed them and, uh,
put them on his rec-room wall.
* rec ro-o-o-om!
Now, wait.
Are you saying that there's more
than one of these shirts?
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying there's about 18 more
of those shirts hanging on the
rack at the gas station.
So, there are 18 more
gorn lords I must defeat!
No, just shirts.
I think they're giving them away
free with a fill-up.
Get out of here, turd.
* tur-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-d!
You try to hurt my
feelings, but I -- I don't care.
This shirt's still awesome, and
you're jealous.
Will it be awesome when you
bathe in the lake of fire?
I'm not doing that
crap.
Yes, you are!
No, please!
No! Please!
Oh, that was close!
Hey, um, does this shirt make me
look stupid?
No, you don't need
some shirt to make you look
stupid.
Thank you...I think.
Those are words I need to think
about.
Strange.
The shirt won't come off.
How you gonna wash
it?
Uh, I hadn't planned
that far ahead, but it seems
this shirt has other plans.
Well, I guess the
plans include you.
Hold your insolent
tongue, Minion!
You are speaking to a gorn lord!
Oh, so good to get rid
of that friggin' horrific piece
of clothing.
Whoa, Carl!
It's like you got a reverse
farmer's tan.
D-d-don't come near me
with that shirt.
Hey, did this thing
come with any directions of how
to get it off?
No, it don't never come
off -- only if someone accepts
it.
See, you got to trick someone
less smarter than you to take
the shirt.
Well, why would I want
to do that?
Then they would be the
gorn lord.
Good point.
You're so smart.
No. No!
Oh, hey, check it out.
We're twins.
Another gorn lord is
in my midst?
What, ho!
Didst thou travel across the
valley of fire to ascend metal
mountain?
Nah, I went up 95 a little
bit.
I guess it was a little off the
exit, but --
Ah.
Your shirt betrays you, my
friend.
Yeah, it's a pretty awesome
shirt.
I got it for free with a
fill-up.
Then we are trapped in
this dreamscape together.
But I must warn you.
Beware the demons -- uno,
boggle, and yahtzee.
Oh!
Those aren't our names.
Carl just said that 'cause he
thought it sounded cool.
Demons, begone!
Yo begone.
* we live her-r-r-e!
Polyester "trendles" --
no, polyester tendrils.
Polyester "trendils" have
already entered your pores.
Enter the -- yeah, the pores.
And they are making their way
to your...Hypoth--
hypothalamus.
Hypothalamus, which it will
shear from your cereb--
no, cerebellum.
Cerebellum.
Good.
On earth, you will enter a
coma--
comatose.
Comatose sleep state forever!
That was great!
I knew you could do this.
That sounds rather
peaceful, demon.
In your mind, you'll be raped
repeatedly by this giant
octopus.
Dear god. No.
What's up?
I want to get raped by an
octopus.
I said it.
Well, come on, then.
This will be great for you!
Cool.
I don't.
Hey, I don't!
Then you better get someone
to take that shirt.
You don't tell me what
to do!
I don't have to!
Oh, no, no!
You was having you a
bad dream.
Here. I made you some green tea.
Hey, Meatwad, buddy.
This shirt's pretty rad, right?
Yeah, I ain't much a
fan of shirts.
I like it when there's a light
breeze coming off the coast, and
it just kisses my nipples.
What?
You don't like this at all?
Aw, are you trying to hurt my
feelings?
Well, I do got that
job interview coming up.
That's right.
Most jobs need you to wear a
shirt for client relations.
Yeah, but not this
one.
I'm applying to be an olympic
swimmer.
Listen.
If I don't get this off of me,
I'm gonna get raped by an
octopus.
Yeah, I highly doubt
that.
Well, in my dream,
that's exactly what the demons
said to me.
Well, I'll be
damned.
They're threads from your shirt,
and they're working their way to
your brain, from what I can
tell.
So, just cut it off!
You know, around the dragon
logo, though -- I like that.
I can't cut it off.
It's merged with your flesh.
If I do, you'll die.
So, what exactly are
you saying?
I think I already
said it exactly.
Cut the shirt off, you die.
Or you could try to give the
shirt to someone.
Nobody wants it,
Frylock!
Wait.
You need a shirt of anyone I
know.
No, thank you.
I don't need a new shirt.
Well, this officially
sucks.
What you gonna do?
Die or get raped by an octopus?
I choose...
No, no, no.
Not tonight.
I'm just not in the mood!
Look, you spend all
day raping me, and that's fine,
and then when you're not raping
me, you sleep.
We don't have any quality
face-to-beak time.
For once, I'd like to look you
in the eye.
I've been meaning to
talk about this.
I would like --
maybe I'd like to get raped by
other people.
There's never a good
time to tell you, because you're
never listening.
Once you start raping, your ears
just shut off, like a switch.
Fine. A quickie.
Oh.
Oww.
Ohhh, there's no getting used
to this.
Well, at least I'm not
dead!
* I'm the pimp on
top, can't never be stopped *
* Frylock is on the bottom,
and your mama on my... *
Shakezula is m'elegante de
la casa.
El Meatwad es tan grande.
* don't understand why
you're with a "g" *
* 'cause Shake got the bait,
make a blind man see *
* Meatwad got your mama in my
ride *
* rollin' up the whole up
and then keep the hoes high *
* "aqua something you
know..." *
eh, whatever.
Hey, big man.
What's up?
Carl, you came to hang
out!
Up top.
Finally.
Let's open some cold ones.
That's what I'm saying,
you know?
Did you bring some
cold ones?
Yeah, I'm not hanging
out.
Well, what's the
occasion?
This shirt. It's new.
Whoa.
Pretty awesome, ain't
it?
Now, that is cool.
It's the balls.
"The interplanetary
insanitarium."
Is that like a band or a road
show or --
Maybe. I don't know.
It is a cool shirt, though.
But it's still just a
shirt.
What else?
Nah, I mean rea--
really look at this badass
shirt.
Wouldn't it be cool to be in
that world, huh?
Yeah, I don't wear
shirts.
I can't really find anything in
my size -- big and round,
wide collar, no shoulders.
Doesn't matter, 'cause
I don't think you could wear
this shirt.
'Cause this is a shirt of
legends, smithed from iron ore,
crafted from liquid magma by one
of the three demons, Satan's
slaves, in the mind of a
volcano.
Volcanos have minds?
Some do, yeah.
I had no idea volcanos
were self-aware.
This one was.
Look, don't interrupt.
I'm losing momentum, here.
Okay.
Anyway, demon one.
His name was, uh, uno, and his
brothers was named yahtzee and
boggle.
They were selected to guard the
shirt with their lives, from me.
You were alive back
then?
I was.
Yes, I was.
I thought you were
like in your 40s.
40,000...
Million.
Damn, son.
Look, let's go with
this.
No interruptions, please.
Right on, man.
You know, at that time,
there was no such thing as a
shirt.
You know, we barely had enough
mammoth fur to cover our junk.
But we liked it that way,
'cause it allowed me to showcase
my lats, my traps.
And, plus, the women --
I mean, seriously, it's like
they were all strippers.
Strippers everywhere?!
Yeah.
And, plus, uh, dragons, too.
Dragon strippers?
Holy smokes!
I know, right?!
I saw that shirt.
I say, "I want that."
I rode up the volcano on my,
uh...you know, mythical...
It was, uh...You know.
One-eyed wonder worm?
Yeah.
That's what I was ridin'.
I've heard you talk
about it before.
So, yahtzee looks up,
and he comes at me with a bass
solo.
Oh, man.
Shouldn't have done that, 'cause
I ripped the ax from his clawed
fingers, and I swiftly beheaded
him.
All this, and I still continued
the bass solo from, uh -- is it
like a geddy Lee deep cut?
"Moving pictures"?
Maybe it was "yyz."
I don't know.
I didn't miss a note, I know
that.
Boggle looks up at me from his
drum kit, and he goes, "you
don't kill my brother."
He said something cooler than
that.
That was the gist of it.
Yeah, he regretted the day I
come to the interplanetary
insanitarium.
So, then, uno sees this, right?
And he aims all his amps at me,
and he tries to bring the
thunder.
But I got earplugs in, and it
ain't no match for me.
I got my junk ready full-on in
chub mode...
And reflects the thunder back at
him.
And it explodes his face, and
it melts it off.
So, I wore this shirt, and I
ruled the interplanetary
insanitarium for a thousand
years like a god.
My name -- the gorn lord.
So, this is you on
this shirt?
I lost a little up top
since then.
My point is, a thousand years
have passed, and I must pass
this shirt down to a new
warrior king, a new gorn lord
who will rule the kingdom of
hair metal mountain as a mighty
god of rock!
Frankly, I don't know anybody
like that.
Huh.
Well, good luck with that.
See you later.
Thanks for the story.
Hey, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
The shirt -- it chooses the
warrior.
I cannot choose for it.
What are you saying?
And bear in mind, I'm in the
middle of a television show.
It's pulling me towards
you.
It -- it must...Want you.
Are you serious?
That I might be the warrior for
a new generation?!
The gorn lord of the
interplanetary insanitarium,
destined to live a thousand
years and carry the torch of
rock?!
Yeah, that's -- yeah.
What are you doing?!
Don't just stand there!
Put it on me!
Yeah!
That's what I am talkin' about.
Oh, there we go.
Yeah, all right.
Live long and prosper.
See you later, dude.
Aah!
No, no, no.
Turn around.
Come on.
Jojo, away!
Who dares step foot on metal
mountain?
* in the interplanetary
insanitarium! *
It is I --
the gorn lord, Shake.
Wow.
That's an ugly shirt.
The shirt chose me, to
rule over you as a god, as it
had chose Carl before me.
Carl bought that outside a
gas station on the turnpike
along with a set of
Molly hatchet mud flaps.
* mud flaps!
But he doesn't drive a
truck.
Yeah, he framed them and, uh,
put them on his rec-room wall.
* rec ro-o-o-om!
Now, wait.
Are you saying that there's more
than one of these shirts?
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying there's about 18 more
of those shirts hanging on the
rack at the gas station.
So, there are 18 more
gorn lords I must defeat!
No, just shirts.
I think they're giving them away
free with a fill-up.
Get out of here, turd.
* tur-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-d!
You try to hurt my
feelings, but I -- I don't care.
This shirt's still awesome, and
you're jealous.
Will it be awesome when you
bathe in the lake of fire?
I'm not doing that
crap.
Yes, you are!
No, please!
No! Please!
Oh, that was close!
Hey, um, does this shirt make me
look stupid?
No, you don't need
some shirt to make you look
stupid.
Thank you...I think.
Those are words I need to think
about.
Strange.
The shirt won't come off.
How you gonna wash
it?
Uh, I hadn't planned
that far ahead, but it seems
this shirt has other plans.
Well, I guess the
plans include you.
Hold your insolent
tongue, Minion!
You are speaking to a gorn lord!
Oh, so good to get rid
of that friggin' horrific piece
of clothing.
Whoa, Carl!
It's like you got a reverse
farmer's tan.
D-d-don't come near me
with that shirt.
Hey, did this thing
come with any directions of how
to get it off?
No, it don't never come
off -- only if someone accepts
it.
See, you got to trick someone
less smarter than you to take
the shirt.
Well, why would I want
to do that?
Then they would be the
gorn lord.
Good point.
You're so smart.
No. No!
Oh, hey, check it out.
We're twins.
Another gorn lord is
in my midst?
What, ho!
Didst thou travel across the
valley of fire to ascend metal
mountain?
Nah, I went up 95 a little
bit.
I guess it was a little off the
exit, but --
Ah.
Your shirt betrays you, my
friend.
Yeah, it's a pretty awesome
shirt.
I got it for free with a
fill-up.
Then we are trapped in
this dreamscape together.
But I must warn you.
Beware the demons -- uno,
boggle, and yahtzee.
Oh!
Those aren't our names.
Carl just said that 'cause he
thought it sounded cool.
Demons, begone!
Yo begone.
* we live her-r-r-e!
Polyester "trendles" --
no, polyester tendrils.
Polyester "trendils" have
already entered your pores.
Enter the -- yeah, the pores.
And they are making their way
to your...Hypoth--
hypothalamus.
Hypothalamus, which it will
shear from your cereb--
no, cerebellum.
Cerebellum.
Good.
On earth, you will enter a
coma--
comatose.
Comatose sleep state forever!
That was great!
I knew you could do this.
That sounds rather
peaceful, demon.
In your mind, you'll be raped
repeatedly by this giant
octopus.
Dear god. No.
What's up?
I want to get raped by an
octopus.
I said it.
Well, come on, then.
This will be great for you!
Cool.
I don't.
Hey, I don't!
Then you better get someone
to take that shirt.
You don't tell me what
to do!
I don't have to!
Oh, no, no!
You was having you a
bad dream.
Here. I made you some green tea.
Hey, Meatwad, buddy.
This shirt's pretty rad, right?
Yeah, I ain't much a
fan of shirts.
I like it when there's a light
breeze coming off the coast, and
it just kisses my nipples.
What?
You don't like this at all?
Aw, are you trying to hurt my
feelings?
Well, I do got that
job interview coming up.
That's right.
Most jobs need you to wear a
shirt for client relations.
Yeah, but not this
one.
I'm applying to be an olympic
swimmer.
Listen.
If I don't get this off of me,
I'm gonna get raped by an
octopus.
Yeah, I highly doubt
that.
Well, in my dream,
that's exactly what the demons
said to me.
Well, I'll be
damned.
They're threads from your shirt,
and they're working their way to
your brain, from what I can
tell.
So, just cut it off!
You know, around the dragon
logo, though -- I like that.
I can't cut it off.
It's merged with your flesh.
If I do, you'll die.
So, what exactly are
you saying?
I think I already
said it exactly.
Cut the shirt off, you die.
Or you could try to give the
shirt to someone.
Nobody wants it,
Frylock!
Wait.
You need a shirt of anyone I
know.
No, thank you.
I don't need a new shirt.
Well, this officially
sucks.
What you gonna do?
Die or get raped by an octopus?
I choose...
No, no, no.
Not tonight.
I'm just not in the mood!
Look, you spend all
day raping me, and that's fine,
and then when you're not raping
me, you sleep.
We don't have any quality
face-to-beak time.
For once, I'd like to look you
in the eye.
I've been meaning to
talk about this.
I would like --
maybe I'd like to get raped by
other people.
There's never a good
time to tell you, because you're
never listening.
Once you start raping, your ears
just shut off, like a switch.
Fine. A quickie.
Oh.
Oww.
Ohhh, there's no getting used
to this.
Well, at least I'm not
dead!