Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000–2015): Season 11, Episode 7 - Hospice - full transcript
While his mother battles cancer in the fight of her life, Carl maxes out her credit cards.
Hey, Sherlock Holmes,
hey, I guess we solved the mystery
of what give you lung cancer, huh?!
But you wouldn't listen, would you, ma?!
Would you?!
She needs to go into special care...
To die.
We can refer you to a number of hospice facilities.
Oh, cool, you know, and then the
state will cut a check and --
No. You will.
Ah, oh, right, yeah, but then the state pays me back,
you know, like a reimbursement thing?
No, like a "you pay for services" thing
"out of your bank account" thing.
I'm doing a good deed here!
I'm freeing up a room for you guys.
Look, pay for hospice or take her home.
Either way, we're wheeling her
out to the curb at midnight.
Crap.
I swallowed a bug at a high speed!
Carl, are you listening?!
Oh.
Great. Broke a tail light.
Thanks. I just put tape on that.
I'm cold.
I-I lost my blanket on the interstate.
Well, if you were a little smaller,
you could have ridden shotgun.
But you love them Boston creams, don't ya?
Oh, you love that creamy filling!
Exercise once in a while, why don't you?!
He ain't showing no respect to his elders.
Who's that woman?
That's his mom, Meatwad.
Oh, all right.
Who's the big bald guy?
Your father would be so ashamed.
Yeah, we should hire a p.I. To find him
and tell him how ashamed he ought to be of me!
I guess he just got lost coming
back from the diaper store.
'Cause I can't imagine a man
leaving this hot piece of ass!
Carl! Carl! Hey, buddy, let me help you with that.
Yeah, I need all the help I can get moving this load.
Watch out. Don't get your hands pinched under her legs.
Okay, on three. Ready? One --
oh, that looks heavy. Do you need some help?
Yeah, you can grab that other end with your --
oh, God, really? Okay.
Well, uh, let me just go put my windbreaker on,
which I ordered, but hasn't come in yet.
Hello, two-day shipping. It's been three!
Yeah, we got it, Shake.
One, two, three!
Oh, you guys got it already?
Watch it. Okay, 'cause I'm gonna --
I'm gonna go call them about the shipping.
Phew. You are gonna need a ramp here, buddy.
Nah. I mean, she might come out one more time,
but I'll have the morgue dudes help me with that.
You need to get you one of them cool chairlift rides
what go up and down the stairs,
and you ain't ever got to do
nothing except press a button.
Man, I can't wait till I get cancer.
I'm gonna ride that shit all day.
Dude, she ain't going nowhere.
She's gonna park her Boston-cream-filled ass
right here until the devil extends his red hand
to take her into the fiery depths.
God rest her soul. I'm saying that in advance.
Carl, that's your mother.
That thing in that gurney ain't my ma.
Not to me.
Look, tomorrow morning, we'll get here early,
we'll get her outside, we'll get her some fresh air.
She'll love it.
Dude, she had her shot at fresh air,
but she had to choose the pipe!
Didn't you, ma?
Man, look, don't give up hope, okay?
Look. Look at this.
The yesitzutsu tribe of the Amazon.
Loosely translated, it means "the immortal ones."
Some of these guys are over 200 years old.
Bunch of shirtless Keith Richards running around.
You see, what they do is they inhale
this charred root of the yigi tree,
and it gives them a sense of euphoria.
So, it's like cocaine, right?
No, not like cocaine.
This repairs damaged cells,
and it reverses the aging process.
Yes, like cocaine.
Man, I wish I could afford some nose candy.
Look, let me order this root from the Amazon.
Carl, it's worth a shot. All right. Fine.
Here, use her credit card.
That -- that site send you cocaine, too?
What?
We got to hit her credit cards hard
before she kicks.
Come on, repeat after me.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Keep chanting and breathe that sap in.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh. Hey, can you keep it down?
I'm ordering the pro football
premium touchdown package here.
Hey! Yes, delores brutananadilewski.
Yes, that's my name. What?
Can I pay for a few years in advance?
I just want to make sure that you guys are good.
Are you paying with my credit card?
Yes, could you hold, please? All right.
Ma, you don't never know when tragedy could strike you!
I just want both of us to be prepared --
to watch that wild-card round.
The g-men got a chance. You know they do.
You're stealing my identity! I've heard about this!
Ma, you're worrying about too much already.
These cards are insured.
When you kick, they'll cover it.
Don't be so hasty, Carl.
Her oxygen intake has improved dramatically.
No black phlegm, no coughs.
You keep her entertained.
I'm fine with that. She likes you.
So you ring her diaper out every few hours.
I am done with those diapers.
I am going to the bathroom myself.
Keep chanting. Come on. Keep going. You can do it.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
You light a match in there!
Freakin' smells like Mexico after she gets out.
When's the last time you saw her walk like that, Carl?
Carl? What?
I said, when's the last time you saw --
what are you doing?
I'm watching porn on my new Internet glasses.
They're called spooglez. Spoogeles. I don't know.
Don't matter. You see people
porking each other in these.
Look, I would stop racking up
her credit-card bills if I were you.
Look at this lung scan, man.
Yeah, I see it there.
Take off those damn spooglez!
All right, wait a second. Let me pause it.
Look, see? No spots. No phlegm.
I think she may make a full recovery, Carl.
Where's he keep the roots?
We got to get rid of that shit tonight.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Yeah, yeah, there you go, that's it!
Work those legs, work those legs!
You still got a little juice on her card, right?
You get me this little guy here,
and I'll deliver the roots unto you.
I ain't gonna buy you this!
I'll toss this whole room.
I'll find the roots myself!
Only I know where the roots live, you fool!
I know where the roots live.
Where do the roots live? Don't tell him!
Oh, okay. I can't tell you where the roots live.
Sorry, buddy.
Listen, you add that to your shopping cart,
and this deal is done.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh. Hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Keep on chanting now! Come on.
Hi-ya-mu--
Damn! Where'd you get that blow dart?
All right, fine. Order it.
And then you make them roots disappear.
Yes! Next-day shipping!
Sometimes I don't know what I do to deserve you.
Aaaaah! Whoo!
No! Don't! Yeah!
Shake! Shake!
Shake!
Shut that thing off!
Oh, thank God.
Wha-- what happened?
I blacked out.
What do you want?
In case you didn't notice,
I'm trying to win a race here!
Where the hell did you get that go-kart?
I'm sorry. Have we given up pleasantries now?
How -- how about this --
"hello, Shake. What a beautiful go-kart you have.
Could I take a ride in it?"
No, 'cause you're a stupid asshole,
and you never say hi to me.
You just come up and ask accusatory questions.
Wait a minute. Where the hell is my yigi root?
Come on. She doesn't need your quackery.
Have you seen her lately?
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Do I look like I give two tits
about your hippie medicine?
Meatwad, I ain't playing here.
I know you know where they are.
Tell me. If you say one word,
I will Tokyo drift this thing all over your face.
He flushed it down the toilet tube. He flushed it.
Flushed it?! The sewers.
The rats.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Ma! Ma! Stop!
Stop making the canoe for a second!
I am glad that you got a hobby to keep you busy,
but maybe we get you a job
to pay for all this stuff that I bought
when I thought you was gonna die.
What the hell you gibbering about, ma?
She says she will live outside with the animals,
and the rain and the air will sustain her.
Can you tell her that creditors
are starting to call me?
Pro football premium touchdown package!
She says you should cancel the pro
football premium touchdown package.
No! Green bay and Minnesota is this Thursday night.
That is a pivotal division matchup.
She says, "rats have come from the city water valley.
I now control them."
Well, you tell her, "shut up."
Aaaah! No!
Frylock, stop them!
Ma, call them off.
We can knock the football package down
to the bronze level.
She's speaking with the wind walkers, man.
She doesn't understand English anymore.
Oh, but thank God you fixed her cancer, right?!
Way to go! I have an idea.
I'm gonna tell them that I will make the sun disappear
unless they let you go. Yeah, yeah, do that!
Th-th-they're dumb. They're rats.
Poof!
Well, here it is, they said make the sun disappear now,
and I said we had to wait till 8:00 tonight.
They said, "bullshit."
So now I'm kind of out of ideas.
Oh, Mr. I cured cancer! Just run out of ideas!
Ma! Please don't burn me, ma!
I'm your only son.
I know you're in there, ma, and I love you!
I want to call him Carl.
He's walking! He's walking!
No one will notice if you wear a hat.
I'm in the third grade, damn it!
Love you, ma.
I love you, ma.
I love you, ma.
I love you, ma!
I love you!
*
No! Stop them!
Frylock! Frylock!
And I love you, too, Shake.
Ow!
I love your ass hard.
* Dancing is forbidden
* forbidden
* Dancing is for-for-forbidden
* dancing is forbidden
* forbidden
Made in Georgia.
Wow.
hey, I guess we solved the mystery
of what give you lung cancer, huh?!
But you wouldn't listen, would you, ma?!
Would you?!
She needs to go into special care...
To die.
We can refer you to a number of hospice facilities.
Oh, cool, you know, and then the
state will cut a check and --
No. You will.
Ah, oh, right, yeah, but then the state pays me back,
you know, like a reimbursement thing?
No, like a "you pay for services" thing
"out of your bank account" thing.
I'm doing a good deed here!
I'm freeing up a room for you guys.
Look, pay for hospice or take her home.
Either way, we're wheeling her
out to the curb at midnight.
Crap.
I swallowed a bug at a high speed!
Carl, are you listening?!
Oh.
Great. Broke a tail light.
Thanks. I just put tape on that.
I'm cold.
I-I lost my blanket on the interstate.
Well, if you were a little smaller,
you could have ridden shotgun.
But you love them Boston creams, don't ya?
Oh, you love that creamy filling!
Exercise once in a while, why don't you?!
He ain't showing no respect to his elders.
Who's that woman?
That's his mom, Meatwad.
Oh, all right.
Who's the big bald guy?
Your father would be so ashamed.
Yeah, we should hire a p.I. To find him
and tell him how ashamed he ought to be of me!
I guess he just got lost coming
back from the diaper store.
'Cause I can't imagine a man
leaving this hot piece of ass!
Carl! Carl! Hey, buddy, let me help you with that.
Yeah, I need all the help I can get moving this load.
Watch out. Don't get your hands pinched under her legs.
Okay, on three. Ready? One --
oh, that looks heavy. Do you need some help?
Yeah, you can grab that other end with your --
oh, God, really? Okay.
Well, uh, let me just go put my windbreaker on,
which I ordered, but hasn't come in yet.
Hello, two-day shipping. It's been three!
Yeah, we got it, Shake.
One, two, three!
Oh, you guys got it already?
Watch it. Okay, 'cause I'm gonna --
I'm gonna go call them about the shipping.
Phew. You are gonna need a ramp here, buddy.
Nah. I mean, she might come out one more time,
but I'll have the morgue dudes help me with that.
You need to get you one of them cool chairlift rides
what go up and down the stairs,
and you ain't ever got to do
nothing except press a button.
Man, I can't wait till I get cancer.
I'm gonna ride that shit all day.
Dude, she ain't going nowhere.
She's gonna park her Boston-cream-filled ass
right here until the devil extends his red hand
to take her into the fiery depths.
God rest her soul. I'm saying that in advance.
Carl, that's your mother.
That thing in that gurney ain't my ma.
Not to me.
Look, tomorrow morning, we'll get here early,
we'll get her outside, we'll get her some fresh air.
She'll love it.
Dude, she had her shot at fresh air,
but she had to choose the pipe!
Didn't you, ma?
Man, look, don't give up hope, okay?
Look. Look at this.
The yesitzutsu tribe of the Amazon.
Loosely translated, it means "the immortal ones."
Some of these guys are over 200 years old.
Bunch of shirtless Keith Richards running around.
You see, what they do is they inhale
this charred root of the yigi tree,
and it gives them a sense of euphoria.
So, it's like cocaine, right?
No, not like cocaine.
This repairs damaged cells,
and it reverses the aging process.
Yes, like cocaine.
Man, I wish I could afford some nose candy.
Look, let me order this root from the Amazon.
Carl, it's worth a shot. All right. Fine.
Here, use her credit card.
That -- that site send you cocaine, too?
What?
We got to hit her credit cards hard
before she kicks.
Come on, repeat after me.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Keep chanting and breathe that sap in.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh. Hey, can you keep it down?
I'm ordering the pro football
premium touchdown package here.
Hey! Yes, delores brutananadilewski.
Yes, that's my name. What?
Can I pay for a few years in advance?
I just want to make sure that you guys are good.
Are you paying with my credit card?
Yes, could you hold, please? All right.
Ma, you don't never know when tragedy could strike you!
I just want both of us to be prepared --
to watch that wild-card round.
The g-men got a chance. You know they do.
You're stealing my identity! I've heard about this!
Ma, you're worrying about too much already.
These cards are insured.
When you kick, they'll cover it.
Don't be so hasty, Carl.
Her oxygen intake has improved dramatically.
No black phlegm, no coughs.
You keep her entertained.
I'm fine with that. She likes you.
So you ring her diaper out every few hours.
I am done with those diapers.
I am going to the bathroom myself.
Keep chanting. Come on. Keep going. You can do it.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
You light a match in there!
Freakin' smells like Mexico after she gets out.
When's the last time you saw her walk like that, Carl?
Carl? What?
I said, when's the last time you saw --
what are you doing?
I'm watching porn on my new Internet glasses.
They're called spooglez. Spoogeles. I don't know.
Don't matter. You see people
porking each other in these.
Look, I would stop racking up
her credit-card bills if I were you.
Look at this lung scan, man.
Yeah, I see it there.
Take off those damn spooglez!
All right, wait a second. Let me pause it.
Look, see? No spots. No phlegm.
I think she may make a full recovery, Carl.
Where's he keep the roots?
We got to get rid of that shit tonight.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Yeah, yeah, there you go, that's it!
Work those legs, work those legs!
You still got a little juice on her card, right?
You get me this little guy here,
and I'll deliver the roots unto you.
I ain't gonna buy you this!
I'll toss this whole room.
I'll find the roots myself!
Only I know where the roots live, you fool!
I know where the roots live.
Where do the roots live? Don't tell him!
Oh, okay. I can't tell you where the roots live.
Sorry, buddy.
Listen, you add that to your shopping cart,
and this deal is done.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh. Hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Keep on chanting now! Come on.
Hi-ya-mu--
Damn! Where'd you get that blow dart?
All right, fine. Order it.
And then you make them roots disappear.
Yes! Next-day shipping!
Sometimes I don't know what I do to deserve you.
Aaaaah! Whoo!
No! Don't! Yeah!
Shake! Shake!
Shake!
Shut that thing off!
Oh, thank God.
Wha-- what happened?
I blacked out.
What do you want?
In case you didn't notice,
I'm trying to win a race here!
Where the hell did you get that go-kart?
I'm sorry. Have we given up pleasantries now?
How -- how about this --
"hello, Shake. What a beautiful go-kart you have.
Could I take a ride in it?"
No, 'cause you're a stupid asshole,
and you never say hi to me.
You just come up and ask accusatory questions.
Wait a minute. Where the hell is my yigi root?
Come on. She doesn't need your quackery.
Have you seen her lately?
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Do I look like I give two tits
about your hippie medicine?
Meatwad, I ain't playing here.
I know you know where they are.
Tell me. If you say one word,
I will Tokyo drift this thing all over your face.
He flushed it down the toilet tube. He flushed it.
Flushed it?! The sewers.
The rats.
Hi-ya-mu-nuh, hi-ya-mu-nuh.
Ma! Ma! Stop!
Stop making the canoe for a second!
I am glad that you got a hobby to keep you busy,
but maybe we get you a job
to pay for all this stuff that I bought
when I thought you was gonna die.
What the hell you gibbering about, ma?
She says she will live outside with the animals,
and the rain and the air will sustain her.
Can you tell her that creditors
are starting to call me?
Pro football premium touchdown package!
She says you should cancel the pro
football premium touchdown package.
No! Green bay and Minnesota is this Thursday night.
That is a pivotal division matchup.
She says, "rats have come from the city water valley.
I now control them."
Well, you tell her, "shut up."
Aaaah! No!
Frylock, stop them!
Ma, call them off.
We can knock the football package down
to the bronze level.
She's speaking with the wind walkers, man.
She doesn't understand English anymore.
Oh, but thank God you fixed her cancer, right?!
Way to go! I have an idea.
I'm gonna tell them that I will make the sun disappear
unless they let you go. Yeah, yeah, do that!
Th-th-they're dumb. They're rats.
Poof!
Well, here it is, they said make the sun disappear now,
and I said we had to wait till 8:00 tonight.
They said, "bullshit."
So now I'm kind of out of ideas.
Oh, Mr. I cured cancer! Just run out of ideas!
Ma! Please don't burn me, ma!
I'm your only son.
I know you're in there, ma, and I love you!
I want to call him Carl.
He's walking! He's walking!
No one will notice if you wear a hat.
I'm in the third grade, damn it!
Love you, ma.
I love you, ma.
I love you, ma.
I love you, ma!
I love you!
*
No! Stop them!
Frylock! Frylock!
And I love you, too, Shake.
Ow!
I love your ass hard.
* Dancing is forbidden
* forbidden
* Dancing is for-for-forbidden
* dancing is forbidden
* forbidden
Made in Georgia.
Wow.